Herald In Black
by Snowbear
Summary: One dark, snowy winter night, a creature entered Valdemar that had never been seen before. It called itself a werewolf.
1. The Wolf

**A/N: I just felt like writing… so I'm winging this one. No idea of length or anything. Here goes! I hope you enjoy!**

The moon was high and bright and round as a plate. Faolan sat beneath a tree, her arms wrapped tightly around her body and her fingertips red with cold. The three year old wore clothes that were far too thin, and her eyes held a shadow of fear uncommon in a girl of her age. Red hair whisped out from beneath her woolen hat and hung in a way that suggested it was partially frozen.

"Please," she whispered, her voice inaudible in its quietness. The entire woods was eerily silent, the way it gets in winter. Then there was a creak as the wind blew a tree the wrong way and Faolan's eyes darted upwards, blue and bright in the darkness. She heaved a small sigh and inched her knees closer to her body.

Just as her eyes were beginning to get heavy and she no longer shivered from the cold there was a low, long howl, starting deep and getting higher and higher as it continued. Fao's eyes turned wide and the puffs of breath steaming out into the air momentarily stopped as her ears honed in on the tone. But then it was gone and the woods were silent again.

Faolan did not let herself go back into a doze and she slowly stood up, keeping on hand on the tree that had been sheltering her, its branches hovering over like the arms of a druid. And then a large clump of snow slid from the tree above her and landed on her hat and she sneezed, a single, loud, intrusive noise and she froze, listening once more before carefully wiping her nose on a sleeve.

The howl began again and this time she knew it was closer. But the adults always said wolves didn't like humans, and would usually avoid them. However, Fao was very aware of the fact that she was small for a human, smaller than a wolf, in fact. And despite the intimidating ways of an adult, a child her age was not much of a match for a wolf.

"Please go away," she whispered, her voice a little louder and she looked up at the moon, holding in her heart a hope to the moon, for help. Her mittened hands clenched together and she gazed up for a long moment before the howl started again, short, loud, and so close…

Faolan peered through the trees and her eyes met the glowing green ones of a wolf. They were such an odd shade… Fao gazed, and as she looked at the sleek and yet terribly wild creature before her she felt no fear. And then she noticed the saliva dripping down from the fangs protruding from the creature's mouth. And she realized that this wolf was very big, much bigger than even the largest dogs that the Lord owned- the Bull Mastiffs. And it was taller than the Great Danes.

And that was when it leapt. A scream erupted from Fao's mouth, higher than the howl had ever been, as she fell backwards in her sudden need to run away. But then a large paw was pushing onto her back and she could get up, and warm, hot breath was seeping through her scarf, damp and moist and hungry.

A low, angry, revenge filled growl erupted and Fao closed her eyes tightly against the snow digging against her face and a sudden, terrible pain erupted in her shoulder as needle sharp fangs pierced easily through her clothing and into her skin. And someone, in the distance, was screaming.

"_There they are," someone said behind me and I peered the way his finger was pointed, even though I had already seen them. Yes, I could see them, dark shapes winding through the bare winter trees. Even in the darkness of the night I could see them._

_Crouching down against the cold leaves I turned to my comrade. His eyes were intense, and deep and we held each other's gazes for a long and intricate moment before he pulled out a map and spread it out. A piece of red chalk appeared in his hand and he made a few, quick marks. I nodded in agreement and he folded it up._

"_These need to get back to command," he said in his short and demanding voice, but it was not cruel. It was confident. I nodded and took the map- and the other parchment behind it and shoved it into my jacket. _

_We straightened and I saluted to him and then crept over to where my horse was tethered. The gelding wore no bit and the bridle itself was made of cotton. He had no saddle, and he was quick. Quick, fast, surefooted, and silent as a cat. I pulled myself up onto his back with a movement of many years practice. _

_The gelding tensed up and prepared to move but I tugged back on his reins and turned to look back at him. He was standing a few feet off and I nodded to him, and then, on a spur thought, gave him a tense smile._

"_Good luck, Captain," I said and he, oddly, saluted at me, returning my smile with one of his own. _

_And I turned, pressing my heels into the gelding's sides and slipped off through the trees, dark and as shadowy as the troops that were at this moment coming closer…_

_:Faolan:_ a voice said and a flash of memory moved through Fao's mind. Of something, after the pain, shouting _"No!"_, a young voice, but older than hers. The girl peeled open her eyes and realized she felt absolutely awful. There was a white shape above her, and she was warm, something she hadn't been in a long time.

"You shouldn't be here," Faolan said to the white shape, squinting her eyes and then rubbing them. There was a dull ache in her shoulder, "You're too soon. I'm not ready."

_:No, but you need me:_ the voice agreed, feminine and familiar.

Fao's hand edge up and touched her shoulder. Her fingers were bare, and to her surprise she found that she was bare as well, and the only thing covering her shoulder were some herbs pressed between large leaves. The entire concoction was damp and the leaves were torn. Why hadn't they tied it up with a piece of cloth?

And then she felt a deep pain down inside of her, emotional and physical and the memories of what had happened before welled up before her and something erupted inside, something screaming, something crying, and something roaring for blood.

"NOOO!" Fao heard herself screaming and she was flinging blankets from the bed she was in, and the concoction on her shoulder slipped down, leaving reddish yellow streaks running down her chest, some blood and some something else- but she didn't notice. A red haze seemed to come over her sight- then something white, the shape, was pressing a soft nose into her chest, pushing her down like the paw had held her into the snow and she convulsed in horror, her screams momentarily muffled in her chest and her eyes wide and unseeing.

_:Faolan:_ the voice said and warmth wrapped around her mind, holding tight the cold shivers in her mind and the pushing back all emotion.

"What's happened to me?" Faolan whispered a few hours later and the nose, soft, white, and covered in soft hair retreated, leaving a cold spot on her chest, but then a quilt was pulled back over her body and through the blurry haze of her vision she saw the white shape step back.

_:You're healing:_ the voice told her and Faolan would have pinned it to someone of about thirteen years old.

_:From what:_ Faolan asked, touching her shoulder again. The leaves were gone and now she could feel dried blood and two deep punctures. Her stomach rolled and she leaned over, letting loose the contents of her stomach onto the floor of wherever they were.

_:You'll know when you've healed:_ the voice told her, and then, as if reading her thoughts, said, _:My name is Raul.:_

**A/N: So whatcha think? Don't worry, I'm not quiting with Companions Don't Cry but I'd like some input on this one too!**_  
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	2. Memories

**A/N: Here is chapter two! Hopefully this gets a little more interesting. Thanks to vreader for reviewing chapter one! X-Mas hug! Merry Christmas everyone!**

"_Ride her!" a voice shouted, deep and frustrated, "Don't let her get away with that!"_

"_I'm trying!" I shouted, yanking on the reins of the mare and trying to ride out another buck, but she yanked her head down and then I was slipping, falling through the air to land on my back on the soft dirt._

_Despite the softness I felt the air whoosh from my lungs in a painful manner. There was a few thuds as the mare let loose a few more bucks and her hooves hit the dirt hard. I looked over, wondering when the air would come into my lungs again, trying to heave in air that wouldn't come, at the black legs dancing an angry tune upon the ground._

"_Get up!" the first voiced shouted and I stood, gasping and peering at the man, my instructor, feeling a bit shocked and then suddenly with another painful whoosh air was rushing into my lungs and I took a few, heaving gasps of the air._

"_I'm up," I said, wincing and rubbing my ribs and then stumbled over to the black mare. She stood still now, looking pissed and defiant as I untangled her reins and pulled them back over her head. As my arms rose of her head her teeth leapt at me and in a quick motion I gave a sharp whack on the nose._

"_No biting!" I said sternly and she ignored me, as if she hadn't done anything at all. I placed my foot in her stirrup and pulled myself back up onto the saddle. I felt her back tense, and hump up but I quickly shortened my reins this time and gave her a sharp tap with my heels._

_She tried to drop her head as she took a few uneasy steps forward but I held it up with both hands and gave her another squeeze, encouraging her to collect and stop walking around like she had a stick up her butt. She tossed her head, ears laid back and I spoke sharply to her and told her with as many signals as I could to _stop_. And she did, finally, relaxing and dropping her head just enough and relaxing her back. _

"_Good," the voice shouted, farther away now as the mare had been walking away from him. I turned her back towards him._

"It bit me," Faolan whispered, staring up at the rafters of the ceiling of wherever she was. The white shape moved from the corner of her vision and she turned her blue eyes to peer at the shape. She could now see it was distinctly horse shaped and looked suspiciously like a Companion. Somewhere deep inside of her she knew it was, and knew it had Chosen her, just like she knew what it was that had bitten her, but those thoughts were submerged, hiding in the mix of memories all melding together in her head.

_:Yes:_ Raul answered, flicking her white ears in Fao's direction. She stood in front of the fire, relaxed, her hide shimmering orange from the glow. Now Fao knew how it was so warm in here. Her legs were long, and her head a little too large. She wasn't full grown, there was no way she could be. She was perhaps the size of a large pony. Not even thirteen hands.

"You shouldn't be here," Faolan said, thinking of the mare who'd bucked her off. It seemed so long ago… too long. She frowned- she could clearly remember three years of life, and none of it involved riding horses… when had that occurred?

The small girl's hair spread out on a old white pillow, short cropped and bright red, like the fire burning in the fireplace with a passion like the emotions running through Fao's soul.

_:I know:_ Raul answered, blue eyes gazing in Fao's direction, _:But if I wasn't, neither would you.:_

_:What's going on: _Fao asked, but she knew the answer. Raul knew she knew it too, but she said it anyway, because they both needed to hear it.

_:You'll know when you heal.:_

Faolan closed her eyes, hiding the blue orbs that shone like Raul's. Darkness enveloped her and her hands clenched into fists. _But what am I healing from?_ she wondered and unconsciously reached across her bare chest, warm and smooth, and felt the puncture wounds. They were just scabs now, although oozing and damp scabs. The dried blood was gone.

_:There's too much in my head:_ Faolan told the Companion as she started to drift once more into sleep, _:Where did it come from? Why do I know so much:_

_:You'll know when you heal.:_

Three weeks passed, and Faolan felt something changing inside her. Her mind still felt like a pile of mud, but her body was solid once more. It knew where it was, it knew what it was doing. It called on her for food, for waste removal, and it could sense something changing. It felt like an itch, one she couldn't scratch, and she found herself staring at the door to the one room shelter she was in, wondering what it looked like outside with a passion that surprised herself.

"Am I healed, Raul?" Fao asked, sitting up in the bed that swamped her. She was wearing her underclothes now, and the warm cotton shirt covered the scaring tissue in her shoulder.

_:Do you think you are:_ the white shape in the corner asked.

_:I don't understand what's in my head:_ Faolan confided, turning her gaze from the door to meet the Companions, and she shivered. Raul's gaze was so intense, it reminded her of someone that she didn't know. A man, a Captain in an army… But she had left… before… something. Anything. His eyes were so intense and Faolan could see him clearly in her mind.

"I've never been in the army," Faolan whispered, fingering the quilt, "I didn't know what an army was until I met you. Until I came here."

_:Then something has changed, hasn't it:_ Raul said, stepping closer and breathing horsey breath into Fao's hair, messing it up further.

Faolan reached up a small hand and ran it down the filly's face, looking more at her own small hands, that seemed so tiny against the Companion. She couldn't reach the filly's ears if Raul touched her nose to Fao's shoulder, her arms were that short. Part of her said this was normal, but a hundred other parts shouted out in confusion, and swamped her with images of horses… so _many_ horses.

_But Raul isn't a horse_, Faolan thought and then a memory pulled over her and she fell backwards onto the bed, images flashing before her eyes…

_There was a chiming, soft and confident; I could just make it out. What was it? I peered over the heads of the children- my children and looked for the white that the chiming heralded. Sure enough, walking along the cobblestones, there was the Herald. He sat straight in his saddle, tall and as confident as the chiming suggested. The mare he rode had a calm and content expression on her face and I wondered if I'd ever seen a horse look as happy as that mare looked, that day. _

_The children ran forward and I turned around, going back into the bakery and the scents of bread, cooking and cold. Flour coated my arms, burly with muscle from kneading dough and keeping a fire going all day long for years and years. Despite the wrinkles upon my face my hands were still strong, and I knew, or rather, hoped, that they'd stay strong long enough for my children to take over the bakery…_

"No," Faolan murmured, as she woke. Raul still stood above her and she slowly pulled herself back into a sitting position, her head aching and the room blurry. As it came into focus she thought about what she'd just remembered with a sinking, cold feeling in her stomach.

Everything was wrong about it. Yet it wasn't as intense and real as _him_, nothing like him. Those memories were content and old, like parchment turning brown. They were important, but had moved on, and no longer mattered. However, when she thought of that Captain, something inside her shifted, and she _knew_ that those memories were fresh… they'd happened recently and still vied for her attention, still rung out with a thousand lost possibilities.

"Do you see them?" Faolan asked, turning her eyes onto the Companion and then, as if seeing Raul for the first time, she asked, "Did you Choose me?"

_:Yes:_ Raul said and then Fao remembered, and she blushed, for once knowing she wondered how she could not have known…

_:No:_ _a voice screamed and then the weight of the wolf was off Faolan's back, but the pain still raged through her body, spreading like hot oil and permeating every cell and fiber of her body. _

_After what seemed like ages later, and Fao had the feeling that something had happened where she couldn't see it, growling and neighing, a white shape appeared above her. She could see it through the pain, blurred and red vision and she squinted, trying to decipher it._

_:You can't go:_ the voice said, warm and soft, like an older sister, and comforting, _:You can't go yet Faolan. Because I am Choosing you, and you are my Chosen.:_

_Faolan didn't have time to respond because that was when she finally succumbed to the blackness inside her mind that promised safety, promised an end to the pain, and promised a place where'd she never be unhappy and never have to worry again. But something held from sinking totally in, like a white glowing line. And finally she followed it out again…_

"Raul?" Fao hugged the filly's nose, pressing her cheek against the velvety hairs and closing her eyes, "Raul…."  
_:I'm here:_ Raul answered as Fao inhaled the deep horsey scent.

"Are those memories from other lives?"

_:It's possible:_ Raul conceded and Fao looked up at her, her young face serious and somehow more intelligent and understanding that it had been… before. It was more mature, with the knowledge of years that couldn't exist in her eyes.

"The ones, the old ones, are from lives long ago," Fao said and then leaned back to peer at her hands, and almost superimposed she could see her old arms, strong and ready to bake bread and she thought she could make a fine loaf even now.

"The new ones," she finally said, "The ones that feel like fresh bread, but not yet tasted, are from the life I was in before this one."

And she thought of the war. And the Captain with his intense eyes burning into hers. What had happened to him? If that was her last life, then that would have been about four years ago, and she knew this was unearthly certainty, despite the fact that she knew the rest of her lives were spaced about every hundred years or so. Why had she come back again so soon? Was that why her memories had been close enough to the surface to be brought back by a traumatic experience?

_:I think you may be right:_ Raul said a moment later, her voice wrapping through Fao's skull, touching the memories and giving Fao and mental hug, _:And that's a lot to deal with for a three year old.:_

_:I don't feel three: _Faolan said, and just that statement in its own was not one of a three year old's.

_:You never will:_ Raul told her, and Fao felt the Companion sifting through her thoughts and memories, _:You shall probably always have trouble controlling your emotions, although Empathy training will help that. Many people will seem strangely familiar to you and you will never feel your age. You will probably have a stronger understanding of what's important than most and have uncommon knowledge about things you've never learned. You understand, I know, that you mustn't let others know about this.:_

_:I don't know if I can act three…: _Fao started to say but as she said it she knew she could, because being three was even more real than the memories of the war. They were the ones that were _real_, and Fao realized she could submerge the memories, let them sink back into the corners of her mind unless something brought one forth, but when they were all back there, the extras, she could feel three, sort of. She could most certainly _act_ three if it came to it, but she didn't really want to.

_:Are we going to go to Haven:_ Fao asked a moment later, curling up under her quilts and looking up at Raul.

_:Not yet:_ the filly answered, _:It depends. For now, it is best we stay here. Or at least, in places like this.:_

Faolan didn't need to ask why, but before _those_ memories had been the submerged one. She knew why Raul didn't want to go to places not like this one. What made this place special was that it was in the middle of nowhere. Despite not having seen the outdoors of this shelter, she knew all she'd see would be woods, and that's all she'd see for miles and miles in any direction. And that was because she might not be safe in populated areas. Or rather, the populaces of those areas might not be safe… from her.

_From me_, Faolan thought and she stared at the door, feeling a deep desire stirring within her, a need to be _out_…


	3. The Moon

**A/N: And here is another chapter...**

"Raul," Faolan whispered, her voice the softest breeze in the darkened room. It was night, and Fao could _feel_ the moonlight's rays burning through the walls and ceiling. It itched, like skin just before a sunburn.

_:I'm here:_ the filly said, and sure enough, Fao could make out a white shape laying beside the bed and gazing into the dying embers of the fire. It was chilly, but quilts piled over her and kept her warm.

"Something's happening," Fao whispered, her voice cracking with fear as her hands convulsively made fists around the blanket and pulled it around her, "My skin hurts."

_:Now?_: Raul asked and she stood up, pushing her legs up beneath her and then she nudged Faolan gently with her soft nose.

"Yes," the words cracked from teeth that were now clenched shut and her eyes started up at the ceiling, no longer seeing anything, "It _hurts_ Raul."

The hot oil was churning through her veins once more and the image of that too-big wolf with green eyes boiled in her mind and she almost felt like he was there, in front of her, burning her down with those flaming green eyes.

_:It will: _Raul said as Faolan started shaking all over, her body convulsively twitching and moving as her blood burned holes through her flesh.

"What is it?" whimpered Faolan, closing her eyes and biting her lip so hard that a warm, metallic taste filled her mouth.

_:You know what it is:_ Raul said, her voice a soft whisper in Fao's mind and she wanted to hug the filly, she wanted to be hugged but she couldn't get her arms to do that and Raul didn't have arms of her own.

"I don't want it to come," Fao whispered, but that was too hard, so her next words she only thought them, _:Make it stop.:_

Raul was silent and unbidden, someone started speaking in her mind. An old voice, fatherly and kind, and he spoke as if reading from a book...

"_Werewolves have been around for a long time, as long as humans and perhaps longer. They are those cursed by the moon, taken in by its call. It has been theorized that the first werewolf came from longing too much and too long, the way a wolf does when it howls at the moon. Today, werewolves are made when one bites a human, but does not kill him or her. They can change any time the moon is out, but usually they can withhold the change, except on the three days that are the day before the full moon, the full moon, and the day after, then the call is too strong and the bitten is forced to change into a creature not quite wolf, more evil, more dark, and not at all human."_

"_I never want to meet one," I answered, looking up at the man sitting in the rocking chair, the firelight playing softly over his lined face._

"_I hope you never will Natasha," the man answered with a smile, lifting his loving eyes up and peering at me through glasses, before turning back to the book that rested on his lap..._

_:Has there ever been a werewolf in Valdemar?_: Faolan asked. It felt like a long time had passed and she still drifted in a dreamlike sleep, her eyes closed and unseeing. But she knew Raul would hear.

_:Not that I know of:_ Raul said, and then added, _:You may be the first Valdemaren to be bitten.:_

_:Where did he come from?_: Faolan asked, thinking of the green eyed wolf- werewolf. The pain was gone, but Faolan knew if she came back to her body a little more it would still be there, raging and tearing away at her flesh like fast forwarded sunburn.

_:Hardorn perhaps. Or Karse… Or maybe somewhere farther away:_ Raul mused, _:We will never know.:_

Something in the way that she said that made Fao pause and she inquired after a moment's consideration, _:What happened to him?_:

_:He is dead:_ Raul said softly and Fao opened her eyes and saw her Companion gazing away, a hint of sadness about her, _:There is no way to save a werewolf. You must be very careful Fao.:_

_:Did you kill him?_:

_:Yes. I did. But at that moment, he was not a Valdemaren, he was not even human. I will not say a werewolf is better off dead, where there was no hope for him. He did not have a Companion to help him through what he had done to you and undoubtedly to others, nor did he have a Companion to stop him from doing it. I am not justifying the murder, remember that Faolan, for it was murder, I am simply explaining to you why it had to be done.:_

_:I think I'd rather have died:_ Faolan said, and because her eyes were open she was beginning to feel the pain again, _:I don't want to live with this.:_

_:Faolan:_ Raul said and Fao turned her eyes once more upon the filly, _:I think there is a reason you are here today.:_

Fao only stared at Raul, not really comprehending what was being said and then something in the way the Companion had said something, before, clicked in her head and she asked, _:Are we still at war? With Karse?_:

_:Yes:_ Raul answered but if she was going to say more it was cut off as Fao felt a pain like a knife stabbing through her and a scream tore through her lips. She could not longer see the room, nor Raul, and there were _knives_ stabbing her, all over, everywhere and it hurt more than anything, more than the Bite itself and Fao _knew_ there was no way she could live through it.

"_Hold back!" someone yelled, "Hold it back!"_

_I can live through it_, Fao thought and her thoughts returned to her, crystal clear, and the pain was still there but she could think. She took a long slow breath, that felt as if she was _inhaling_ the knives now, but it could be ignored, like those memories. Set aside and thus dulled. She pulled open her eyes and looked up at a fuzzy and skewed Raul.

_:You will grow to be an extraordinary person:_ Raul said and there was a smile in her voice, although her shape couldn't express that.

_:I feel like I should be dead, but I'm living:_ Faolan said, and she knew that if that memory of pain control hadn't surfaced she be unconscious right now.

_:It's almost over:_ Raul answered and nudged her softly.

Fao picked up a hand and saw it was a paw, covered in thick gray and white fur with a red tinge to it, like the tips of each strand was red. Her eyesight clicked, like putting on a pair of glasses, and she could see again, but it was different.

_:The change is not only physical:_ Raul warned a moment later and as she said it Faolan felt something in the back of her mind changing now, in the same painful way that her body had changed.

_:I know:_ Fao said, feeling a deep chill deep inside of her as the wolf tore out of her mind and out of her mouth in a high pitched, angry growl.

She leapt to her paws and stared up at Raul but then fell, tripping over the shirt that was much too big for her now and hung around her legs and over her chest awkwardly. She shook her head and it slipped down and when it was off she bit it, ripping it to shreds with tiny, needle like teeth and tore at it with the sharp claws on her paws, claws that would dull as she grew older.

When it was only bits of cloth she looked up at the thing that smelled of horse, the thing that called itself Raul and she felt a red rage come over her, turning her vision red. Saliva foamed in her mouth and she felt her tiny body shaking with the anger of it. _It's all her fault!_ something inside her screamed, _It's all her fault!_

_:No:_ a voice said firmly into her mind, and it took Fao a moment to identify as Raul's. When she did her rage, if possible, burned brighter and she snarled her answer to Raul, her fur bristling.

_:No Faolan:_ Raul said again, her eyes flashing in an arrogant, demanding fashion that made Fao want to bite something.

And then, while Fao was musing over the ways to kill a Companion, the door was suddenly open, and a cold breeze was wrapping itself into the room, curling around her and with it, the moonlight. Shining, like a mage light, into the room. The moon itself hung bright and full over the horizon, reaching its beams through the bare winter trees and to her.

_Yes_, Faolan thought, rejoicing in the feel of the light over her fur, relishing it. She had prayed to the moon and it had answered, giving her the gift of life in the face of death, and a life better than it had been before. Raul forgotten, Fao jumped off the bed, her small form darted across the floor and past four white pillars that made up Raul's legs and out into the forest. There was no snow, not yet, and the ground was too hard for her to make prints.

Pausing she looked back at the shelter that had housed her for so long, knowing she'd never see it again, or Raul. It was a Waystation, one for the Heralds, but one little used. She would have to go far to find someone, to find people, but she would, and _then_ everyone would pay for the hurts she had suffered, now and in all her other lives.

_Suffer_, she thought blood thirstily and burst into a run, stumbling over the leaves and branches on the path with typical puppy-like lack of grace.

_:Faolan:_ said a voice and a white shape, large, ducked around her and stood in front of her, blocking the way. Fao snorted through her nose and sprang through the legs, but as she came out to freedom again a white leg stomped down in front of her, once more demanding.

_:No:_ Fao snarled back, looking up at the Companion above her, _:You are not my Master:_

_:You will not let it consume you Faolan:_ Raul said but her voice had lost its edge and it was soft and kind and for a moment Fao believed her, but then the moment was gone and she ran off. When Raul did not chase her she rejoiced, rolling in the leave and biting sticks. There were no animals for her to chase, for it was winter, but Fao knew that this world was hers and come spring the entire forest, and then all of Valdemar would know it...

Later...

"Raul!" Faolan cried out, her eyes leaping open to a cold, frozen world. Tears were seeping down her face and freezing and it was so cold…

_:I'm here:_ Raul said, and Fao's eyes flickered up to the white form standing over her, _:Get on my back.:_

Fao nodded slowly and pulled herself to her feet as Raul lay down. She took the filly's mane in one hand and scrambled on, laying down over Raul's neck and holding on tight to the warm body as Raul stood up once more. Although she was trying to ignore them, to reject them, memories surfaced that reminded her body of her balance, of how to sit on a horse, although most of them got muddled up in the fact that she was much smaller than she had been last time she walked the earth on horseback.

But Raul's movement was comforting, and she was warm, and Fao buried her face into the Companion's mane and let herself cry, ignoring all the adults thoughts in her head and letting herself be three years old.

Soon, sooner than Faolan expected, they were inside a warm room and the cold wind was away and she was wrapped up in quilts and a fire was burning merrily and Raul was laying down beside the bed, her head along Fao's body and everything was warm…

Hours later she awoke once more. She judged it to be midday, although she had nothing to go on but her sense of time and how hungry she was. Raul was still asleep, her eyes closed and her breathing peaceful. Fao ran her hands along the Companion's white face, her fingers gentle and light as she traced the spiral of hairs at Raul's forehead. Fao's face was dry and she no longer felt the overwhelming unhappiness from the morning when the moon had set and she had changed back to human, that disgust at the feeling she could so clearly remember. Her past lives were back as well, and helping her.

"I feel sorry for the child that is bitten and doesn't know how to handle it," Fao whispered, thinking of how she felt and imagining what it would be like if she was unable to feel any other way. Would they be able to live with it? A strong child perhaps, one used to hardship, but not a pampered middle class or noble baby.

_I am different_, Fao thought, looking at her small, smooth hands, _My life will never be the same._

**A/N: **** I do have one question before you leave to those with this story on Alert... If you like the story enough to put it on alerts, can't you find something to say about it in a review? I have nothing against people who read a story and don't review it because they have no feelings about it but... I really would like feedback on this! Say it's crap if that's what you think. I do not roast marshmallows on flames **


	4. Archer in the Making

**A/N: Thanks to:  
Mad-4-Manga- That confusion is totally understandable- apparently some formatting doesn't go through including stars and question marks. I fixed the last chapter and am about to fix this one. Sorry about the trouble! I hope this story becomes awesome too and I shall try!  
Stormy Phoenix- Okay, thanks for the idea!  
Kathleen McCrory- Wow, two people suggested the same thing!  
Asra Ky- Thanks, and I shall- here's the next chapter!**

_:Is there anything you can't do?_: Raul asked with a teasing voice, standing before Fao with an amused expression on her face as she scanned the cards laid out on the table beside the bed.

"I can't cook Karsite," Fao answered with a chuckle that came out like a giggle and then she paused, suddenly serious and looked up at the filly, "I can't do archery."

_:Weren't you in an army?_: Raul inquired and then pointed her nose at a Jack, _:That one.:_

Faolan nodded, to both statements and flipped the Jack over before saying, "Yes, but I was a scout, not an actual soldier. Most of my lives I've done more on the sidelines, working with horses and stuff, when I've been fighting. Most of my lives haven't touched much warfare."

_:Except your most recent one:_ Raul said and Fao nodded with a grin, flipping over a Queen so it lay face down.

They both stared at the cards in thought, but Faolan had the feeling that Raul had stopped thinking about the game, for her eyes, thought pointed at the cards, didn't move, and didn't look quite focused. Fao waited, and her wait was paid off.

_:You know we will go to Haven eventually, yes?_:

"Yes," Fao said softly, abandoning all thoughts of the game as she pulled the blankets around her shoulders tighter.

_:We do not go until you can control the change:_ Raul stated simply and Fao stared at the Companion in surprise.

"I can't- that won't be for… it might not ever be!" she cried out and jumped to her feet incredulously, this movement only adding about a foot to her height.

Raul simply stared back at her and finally Fao sat back down and whispered, "Can't I just… be locked up?"

_:Too risky. You would end up either hurting yourself or someone else. The only place for a werewolf that is not in control of herself is in the Pelagirs and even there she is not always safe, for the Hawk Brothers have no mercy for one taken by their own anger.:_

Fao looked away, abashed and chastised and then finally shrugged and said, "Do you think it's possible?"

_:For you to control it?_: Raul asked and without waiting for an answer she nodded, _:Yes.:_

_:How long?_:

_:One year, give or take:_ Raul answered.

"A year," mused Fao, looking back at the cards as if to consider their positions.

_:And you're going to learn archery:_ Raul added and Fao looked up once more, startled again.

"What?" she said, "How? You can't show me and there's no one to teach me."

_:You will teach yourself:_ Raul said and tossed her head, moving around her forelock to her satisfaction.

"I can't teach myself," Faolan sputtered, "You just can't _do_ that."

_:You can: _Raul answered and turned to glance at the fire and then said, effectively ending the conversation, _:I'm going to go get more firewood. And you can, Fao, it just takes longer.:_

_:So much longer you might as well not try:_ Fao muttered to Raul as she pushed open the door, letting in a gust of cold wind and making Fao crawl back under the blankets.

Raul deemed not to answer and simply disappeared, kicking the door shut with an arrogant switch of her tail. But it didn't anger Fao, the way it had the night before. It made her smile and she leaned back against her pillow, staring at the wood rafters and wondering if Raul was going to have her make her own bow as well.

_:No actually:_ Raul put in from outside, _:There is a spare bow here. It's a little big for you but it will build your arm strength.:_

_:You should build _your_ arm strength:_ Fao retorted without malice.

_:I don't have arms:_ Raul pointed out wickedly and Fao fell silent, a smile drifting across her face, and when Raul came back in, dragged a blanket load of firewood through the door, Fao had fallen asleep.

_Later..._

_:Do you know how to hold a bow?_: Raul asked of Fao.

They stood outside, on the road a hundred feet from the Waystation. No one traversed it this time of year, and even in busy seasons few walked it, so it was most certainly deserted for archery practice. There was no snow yet, so moving through the woods was easy, although Raul stood out like the sun in the sky, gleaming white and long legged.

Faolan had found a old blanket which she'd folded up and drawn on a target with charcoal. A nail and large rock had sufficed to attach it to a tree near the edge of the road.

For starters, they stood twenty feet from the target and they had driven ten arrows into the cold dirt of the ground. Fao stood, dressed in all her clothes once more and outside for the first time as a human. The bow was small for a Herald but it was a good six inches taller than Faolan.

"This is really awkward," she said, "I'm not going to be able to pull the string back all the way. And yes, I do know how to hold one. I learned _how_, just never practiced."

_:That does make it more difficult:_ Raul said, and Fao could tell she was amused, _:But that's why we're only twenty feet away- you should be able to pull it back far enough to get it to go that far, and if you can learn to aim it well then size and strength shouldn't matter too much, although we should consider making a smaller bow for you. Any woodcarving in those pasts of yours?_:

"No, actually," Faolan said, looking up at the filly and then staring at the sturdy wood bow in her hands, "But I do know metal working and baking, so my hands are used to that sort of work. I can figure it out if it comes to that. After all, we're stuck here a year… What happens if Heralds need to use this Waystation?"

_:They won't:_ Raul assured her, _:This one is really sort of a spare, the Heralds only use it if absolutely necessary… in fact, circuits don't use this road anymore, which is why we aren't too well stocked. You should learn to use that bow quick or we'll have to go and claim trainee's right in a town.:_

Fao looked up again, startled and frightened by this prospect, "You mean go and… talk to people?"

_:Afraid so, love:_ Raul said, nudging the three year old on the shoulder gently, _:But there are some traps in the wood shed and we still have a months worth of oatmeal- and I can live off the grass until it snows so I won't be infringing on that supply.:_

"Let's go sooner- I'm sick of oatmeal," Fao said, making a face and Raul snorted her amusement.

_:Now get that bow ready and show me what you can do:_ she ordered, sniffing the arrows curiously.

Faolan nodded and positioned herself, setting her feet into the right position before pulling up an arrow that was almost as long as she was tall and she muttered, as she knocked the arrow, "This is so ridiculous."

_:You look lovely:_ Raul assured her Chosen and stood back, well out of the way of the arrow.

"Here goes," Faolan said and pulled the arrow back to her face, moving it about seven inches and then sighting down to arrow at the target. She relaxed her fingers, letting the string magically slip by them and the arrow out of her hands. It clattered down to the ground about two feet in front of the target and three feet to the left of the tree.

There was a snort from behind her and Fao turned around to see the Companion filly looking curiously up at a tree. Then she coughed and turned her blue eyes upon Fao and said, very seriously, _:You're doing great.:_

"This is gonna take a while," Faolan muttered and picked up another arrow.

_Three months later...  
_

_:There is a reason you're doing this:_ Raul said, three full moons later as Faolan lay on her bed, aching and tired from the night's change and staring at the piece of wood she was slowly shaping into a bow. They had spent two of the last three months trying to find a piece of wood the right age, type, and size.

"Doing what?" whispered Faolan, staring blearily up at the ceiling and ignoring the wind beating against the doors. The winter snows had started long ago and this part of the country turned out to get lovely blizzards in February.

_:Archery:_ Raul said. Fao was surprised at how much _both_ of them had grown recently. Raul had to be a good couple of inches taller and she was starting to fill out a little more, and had less of that fillyish look. Fao too had grown, but not enough to fit the bow, and so while she was still working with the too big one, they had decided to attempt to make their own as well.

"Why?" Fao asked, if not for curiosity then for conversation's sake. Her voice certainly voiced no enthusiasm.

_:Concentration. As you hone your skills with the target, you focus your mind and strengthen your control. I cannot teach you much in the ways of your gifts, so this was the second best. As you sharpen you mind that will carry over to your change. And it has. Have you noticed?_:

"No," Fao answered dryly, thinking of the way she shredded a bush to pieces the night before and ended up with twenty-three thorns in her hide and paws as a result.

_:I've noticed. And I think a year was a good estimate:_ Raul announced and Fao let her eyes fall sideways so they stared at Raul.

"You think?" she asked.

_:I do:_ Raul replied, _:And let me tell you, I'm really missing the Companion's Field right now. Not that I don't enjoy your company, my Chosen, but it's cramped in here and oatmeal just isn't the same as the fine grain there…:_

"You're not the only one missing a variety in food," Faolan pointed out sarcastically, "I mean you don't get a change whether or not the traps catch anything, but I sure would like a rabbit."

_:I never actually had rabbit before:_ Raul said thoughtfully and Fao blinked at her.

"You don't eat meat, remember?" she pointed out and Raul nodded quickly and laughed in Fao's mind.

Silence passed between them and finally, as the fire burned lower, Raul inquired, _:You know you won't be able to tell anyone, don't you? Even the Heralds.:_

"Tell them what?" Fao asked, her eyes closed now and her mind wandering.

_:About your past lives. And being a werewolf. A few will know about the second, like the Queen of course, but none others:_ Raul said and Fao rolled onto her side, hugging her pillow.

"Not even the Heralds?" Fao asked and her voice sounded troubled, "I thought they could know…"

_:No:_ Raul said and fell silent for a long moment, _:Not even the Heralds.: _But Fao didn't hear the last part, for once more, she was asleep.

_:You are centuries old in your mind, yet your body is still that of a three year old's:_ Raul mused at the child and then lay down beside the bed.


	5. Call of the Night

**A/N: Thanks to Stormy Phoenix for reviewing the last chapter! Hopefully this one will be interesting enough for all those who didn't review last time to have something to say about. And thanks to Tessabe for reviewing chapter one!**

"The night calls to me," Faolan said, "Even now, when the moon is hiding behind the other face of the earth."

She sat on the floor, stretching her muscles out, one by one in the meditative way that Raul had described. Although it was still quite cold outside the fire kept it warm inside, and Fao wore nothing but a thin pair of pants, her feet bare against the wood floor.

"I can touch my toes," she commented lightly as she did so, "I could never do that before. Being three sure does make you flexible."

_:Yes:_ Raul said indulgently, standing off to the side to make room for Faolan to jump around if necessary.

"Up!" shouted Fao, jumping to her feet and then jumped up as high as she could, bringing her legs up tucked against her body before dropping back down and landing squarely on her feet and she whispered to Raul, "Down."

_:I suppose you learned martial arts somewhere along the way as well?_: Raul teased, her blue eyes twinkling in amusement.

Faolan shook her head with a grin and said, "No, I'm just making this up. A lot of the things I know, my head knows, but my body doesn't. Like swordplay. I've learned that so many times I could describe in detail exactly what moves to make against an opponent if they did this or that, but to actually go against someone? I'd lose."

_:And that wouldn't have anything to do with your size and/or ability to lift a sword:_ Raul said, nudging Fao's small body.

"Of course not," Fao grinned back and then her expression turned somber and she sat down on the floor, folding her legs pretzel style and resting her elbows on her knees and her chin on her hands.

"It's so weird," she said, "Having all these memories. I guess I seem well adjusted to them, but that's because they're all mine but I don't feel like me anymore. Sometimes I lay there as I fall asleep and I'm Faolan again, but then I'll start thinking about how to shoe a horse and I'll get confused, because I've never shod a horse and I don't even know the word shod. It's almost like this life has been stolen from me, and now I'm just a mixture of all my old lives, just a bunch of knowledge without any personality. And I won't really have the chance to explore in this life, because I've already done it. I mean, this life wasn't shaping up very nicely until you and the wolf came along… Of course, I didn't think much on it then either…"

Fao heaved out a long sigh and then crawled up onto the bed to look at Raul a little more directly and her eyes, usually bright and cheerful from the energy of a small child, but now they were shadowed.

"It's surprising actually how much I _don't_ remember from this life. I have flashes of being wrapped up in a bundle of cloth, of being warm, of drinking my mother's milk, but that's all hazy. The real clear memory starts after I could talk- that makes sense though, because that's when I would have started thinking, and thus remembering, in words, right?"

Raul only nodded, but didn't speak and Fao gazed at her for a long time, her expression deep and upset. She sighed again and flopped backwards onto the blankets.

"But once I could walk and talk…" she said, her voice turning into a whisper, "Things went bad. And it makes me hate having so much experience, because I know I should talk about it, I know what I'm feeling, I know why I'm feeling it and I know how to remedy it, but I don't _want_ to! And even that, I understand! I have too much experience; I don't _need_ it all to draw on! Every moment I keep speaking I know this ranting is pointless and the fact that I'm not shutting up represents my inability to accept those memories!"

_:Faolan…:_ Raul whispered, stepping over to her and pressing her nose against the girl's chest, her words wrapping around Fao's mind like a blanket, _:It's all right.:_

"I know," Fao whispered, wrapping her arms around Raul's face and burying her own face against the filly, letting salty tears seep from her eyes and down her cheeks and onto the filly's fur.

"I know," she whispered again…

"I was born on a farm, this life," Fao whispered, shaking her head what seemed like ages later, her face was still sticky though and the fire wasn't too much lower, "Having my old lives with me almost seems to dim this one, and I wish they wouldn't. This is _real_, right Raul? This is my life now, not those ones."

_:Yes, although do not disregard what they can tell you:_ Raul advised with a nod of her head and a flick of her ears as the wind howled against the door.

"They tell me to keep talking," Faolan spoke softly, folding her hands in her lap, "Because it hurts, even though I can now call upon memories of other lives to support myself. Because I _have_ had parents that loved me, I _have_ been surrounded by love and support before, I'm _not_ alone and someday I'll find someone to love me if only as a friend."

"I think I like my second to last life the best so far," Faolan mused a moment later when Raul stayed silent, "But one quite a while ago I was a noble… A lady. I can still feel her inside of me, and that's one life I almost wish I could forget. It was harsh, and I really didn't like it, which is why I think I had trouble in the life after that, in the beginning anyway."

_:You grow and learn with each life. Your past lives normally affect you in ways you cannot touch, like the things that are considered personality traits that are not inherited or learned. You just remember yours with more clarity, and thus can learn from them with more clarity, although usually they cause more trouble than help. The people you were in past lives are not who you are today, just as a young adult is not the person they were as a child. The memories do not make you someone else, you are still Faolan and it is how Faolan deals with those memories that will turn you into yourself:_ Raul explained.

"I've never been a Herald before though, or a Companion," Faolan said with a smile, "Am I ready for it now?"

_:Yes:_ Raul said and Fao could feel the smile once more, gentle and sweet in her mind.

"Not everyone will grow in that direction though, right?" Faolan asked and then added, "I haven't been human in my most recent lives either… The one before the noble I was a deer, but those memories don't come up as much, I suppose because I'm human now and can most easily interpret the memories most like those I have now…"

_:The soul assumes many forms:_ Raul answered mysteriously, _:And yes, not everyone, not every life, leads to being a Herald, nor are the oldest souls all Heralds. Heralds, you must realize, do not represent the epitome of the human race, we are simply the most suited to carry out the tasks needed of us.:_

Faolan nodded slowly, "I think I understand that."

_:Good:_ Raul said and peered at the fire for a moment, _:I think there is a lot you will need to learn to understand in order to live with your past lives.:_

"Yes," Faolan agreed and lay back against the blankets, her eyes drifting to the door of the Waystation and suddenly she sat up quickly and said, "Let's go for a walk. Or a ride, which ever."

_:All right:_ Raul nodded and Fao pulled on all of her clothes, letting them slip over her body, following Raul out into the snow covered ground, her boots sinking deep into the snow and cold air wrapping around her.

_:The outdoors entrance me:_ Faolan said, gazing around at the light woods around the Way station, and Raul could tell by the overtones in the words sent by mind that Faolan didn't want to disturb the peace of the woods with her voice.

_:It's cold:_ she continued, _:but I like it anyway. I think once I'm a Herald I'd like to do circuit duty, or be a messenger. I couldn't stand being cooped up in a city year round.:_

_:Faolan:_ Raul said, nudging the girl in the small of her back, _:I'd like to point out to you that the opinion you just made is most definitely Faolan's and not anyone else's, am I correct?_:

Faolan stopped walking through the snow that was now only a few inches deep- there had been enough warm days to melt away the really deep snow, although under this short layer was patches of slippery ice. As the wind blew through both of their hairs, white and red, Faolan realized her Companion was right.

"Yes," she whispered, the wind catching her words and tossing them away to the trees, "Because I've always been outside, every day since I was born…"

And then she laughed and spun around, spreading out her arms and looking up at the spindly trees above her, waving down cheerfully and leaflessly in the wind, skeletal yet friendly.

"I'm me Raul!" she shouted, her cheeks growing red from the cold and cheer, "I'm me!"

_:Your are:_ Raul agreed and then said, _:Let's ride.:_

Faolan nodded and once Raul had laid down on the ground she pulled herself up, holding tightly to bits of white mane and feeling quite small on the broad expanse of the filly's back, and feeling warmer with her legs against the soft hairs and warm body.

"Where to?" Faolan asked and then answered herself as she whispered, "Anywhere. I wish it were night. I never liked the night much, but recently… it's the moon. I like the night, the way you can barely see except for starlight or moonlight flashing in black and white shades through skeleton like trees. It's somehow magical, less dull and solid than in daylight. Shadows create creatures that are nothing during the day. A rock at day is just a rock, but at night… it could be anything. The night has so much more potential!"

_:I can see what you mean, although I myself prefer the warmth of daylight:_ Raul commented.

"Just wait until summer- _then_ you'll like the night better!" Fao laughed and Raul moved into a canter, gracefully moving through the trees towards the road, her hooves pressing into the snow and leaving small prints behind her, and nothing else…

Slowly, without either being aware of it, their schedule changed. They no longer moved with the sun, and on occasion Faolan found herself shooting at the target at night, only guided by the light of the moon and stars- when it wasn't full that is. The night filled her with a sort of energy unlike that of a normal three year old, and nearing the full moon Faolan was unable to fully sleep now that she was fully healed, and Raul adjusted to that.

And before they knew it, they had turned somewhat nocturnal. Faolan first acknowledged it when they started setting out traps again, in attempt to catch the awakening and not so cautious animals that had been hibernating all winter. It was night, of course, and the air had a warm and dirty smell. The ground was wet from the melting snow, and patches of it still lay scattered, but wet and mushy.

"Oh for a rabbit…" Fao whispered, carrying a trap in each hand and walking in front of Raul, not riding. Her boots, getting too small and worn through at the toes, sunk into the soft ground.

_:I take it you _do_ know how to set these?_: Raul inquired, only half expecting an answer, for they both knew what it would be.

"Yes," she nodded, "It's one of the things I did often in my last life."

Faolan looked up at the sky and the moon, growing rounder each night like one pregnant, with a soft sigh. If she was unlucky, she'd probably catch a rabbit the night of her change and end up eating the captured creature _then_, and she'd miss a nice warm stew.

"You know," she said, her eyes now studying the buds on the trees, "We're kind of nocturnal Raul."

_:Yes… we are, aren't we?_: Raul answered and stopped, her hooves falling silent and Fao turned around to peer at her Companion.

"What is it Raul?" she asked, tilting her head slightly and letting the breeze mess up her hair even further- it was now down past her ears.

_:We don't have much time:_ she said and her voice had a far off quality, _:Faolan, how soon do you think you are to controlling the change?_:

"Pretty far," Faolan muttered, and although she had been trying, Raul's words made her feel guilty, as if she _hadn't_ been trying.

_:Faolan…:_ Raul started, her eyes now burning into Fao's, _:Do you think you could change yourself right now? If you could do it more often and of your own will… that may make it easier on the days where you are forced by the moon's rays.:_

"Now?" whispered Fao, her face expressing a mixture of confusion and fear. The traps slipped from her hands and landed with dull thuds in the mud and Fao leaned back against a tree, staring up through its branches at the stars.

_:Not now, but maybe after we set the traps:_ Raul said, dropping her nose to sniff at the cold metal things.

"Did you just think of this now?" Fao asked, her voice taking an accusing tone as she shivered, suddenly noticing the chill beneath the Spring warmth.

_:No, I've been dwelling on it for a while now:_ Raul admitted, _:But not until now did I think we'd actually need to try.:_

"It makes sense," Fao said with a shiver, looking down at her hand and imaging the reddish gray fur sprouting up but she quickly shoved that away because the moment she had she'd started to tingle all over and had become almost painfully aware of the proximity of the moon and she whispered, "I can do it Raul, if it's needed."

_:It is, Faolan:_ Raul said softly.

"Then I can do it."


	6. Control

**A/N: Here is the next chapter! Tomorrow is the last day of the semester! I own nothing except Faolan as a character and Valdemaren werewolves. And now... thanks muchly to:  
Stormy Phoenix- Yeah, I hope it continues to 'pull you in'. I try and make each chapter include something new.  
mugglepirate- It'll be fun to write that!  
Kathleen McCrory- Read on and you shall have your answer about yon bow. XD.  
Mad-4-Manga- Thank you! I try and bring in new ideas to my fanfics so they aren't just Vanyel repeat types of things.  
Ray Ven Hakubi- I think this is either before Brightly Burning or after... not sure. It probably won't come up but its before Selenay... if only for the reason that I haven't read the Owl books yet. I've been meaning to though! Once I've updated my reading I'm greatly interested in bringing in Mage stuff. For now, alas, I'm sticking to the Gifted. XD.  
**

"The bow needs working on," Fao said as they came back into the Waystation and she hurriedly picked up the piece of wood resting by the door way and a small knife they'd found in the stores.

_:Faolan:_ Raul spoke, her voice stern and controlled.

Fao dropped both wood and knife and sat down heavily on the floor before muttering, "I don't want to."

_:You must:_ Raul urged, stepping close to the child and nudging her comfortingly. Fao leaned her head against the filly's nose and sighed, closing her eyes.

"I don't want to," she whispered and then hugged Raul tightly before letting go and standing up to walk across the room.

Raul made to move after her and then Fao suddenly leapt up onto the bed and grabbed the pillow with a giggle, hiding behind it.

"You can't catch me!" she shouted from behind the pillow and a pair of round blue eyes peeked out from above it, playful and daring.

_:Faolan, now is not the time:_ Raul reprimanded, stepping over and grabbing the pillow in her teeth, intending to take it away but Faolan hung on and was suddenly dangling above the floor, her hands clenched onto the pillow.

"Why not?" Fao shouted up at Raul, "Why not Raul? Let's have some fun and _then_ go to the dangerous parts. I'm not forgetting what I have to do, I know what this means. I may look three Raul and it may be easy for you to forget that I'm not, but I _never_ forget Raul. My memories permeate my every thought, movement and action and I can't escape them."

_:I'm sorry:_ Raul said and dropped the pillow onto the bed, along with Fao, making the girl squeal with delight as she landed with a thud, jumping back up again immediately, her eyes dancing, the pillow still clenched before her like a shield.

"Let's play chase," she said and jumped off the bed, running under Raul's legs and pushing her way out the door and into the night's darkness. Her eyes easily adjusted from many nights practice and she weaved through the trees away from the glowing rectangle that was the door to the Waystation.

She heard a neigh behind her and glanced back to see a white form weaving after her, and she darted off to the right, hiding behind trees and sneaking around. The odd game of chase, heightened by both's magnitude of experience and senses, continued on for almost two more hours, with Raul unable to find her Chosen using only her senses, and Faolan unable to _quite_ get away.

Tired and warm, Raul finally returned to the Waystation to find Faolan flopped on the bed, staring at the ceiling and stripped down to only her underpants, her small form glistening with sweat. Her expression was triumphant and happy.

"That was fun," she said quietly, her voice weak with fatigue.

_:How much longer do you need to rest?_: Raul inquired, kicking the door shut and then nudging a new log onto the fire that had burned ever since they first came to the place. Soon, it would no longer be needed, a mark of their time spent there…

_Flash, through the darkness, dodge the trees, guide the horse…I leaned over the gelding's neck and urged him faster. I could barely see, but the darkness enveloped me anyway. Then, as I sensed something else in the woods I pulled the gelding to a halt and slipped off, my eyes straining in the darkness. A sudden fear ran through me._

_Would he be all right? I wondered, thinking of leaving my Captain there, all alone with the enemy moving slowly towards us through the trees. _

"_Name?" a voice hissed and I felt a form press against my back and a dagger press against my throat and I let out a sigh of relief. It was only the border guard, checking me._

"_Carry Rolf," I said and he let me go, giving me a friendly smile. I went back and retrieved the gelding, feeling now _safe_ that I was back in camp and could look forward to a warm bed. If only Raleigh… I shook those thoughts away and rode all the way into camp and straight to the command tent, where I dismounted and handed the maps to a man who waited outside. He gave me a terse nod and disappeared and my job was done. _

_I took the gelding over to the picketing line and made sure he was comfortable- and he didn't need much, before going to my own tent, one I still shared with a comrade, unlike many others… whose comrades were dead._

_:Faolan:_

The girl opened her eyes and looked up at the Companion hovering over her and nodded slowly with a yawn before saying, "I must have been more tired than I thought. I'm ready now."

She sat up and stretched, the memories that had flashed through her mind in symmetry to her current doings already fading and she looked to Raul for direction. The filly was tense and looked slightly uneasy.

_:I suppose there isn't much I can tell you. You know what it's like to change… so do it:_ Raul said and stepped back as Fao nodded, a cold fist of fear tightening around her stomach.

She looked up, searching for the moon in the sky without her eyes and yes, there it was. _Me_, she whispered to it, calling to it and letting it fill up her skin. And then the itching started, the itch before the pain, but Faolan didn't stop, she only let the wolf inside of her grow, let it push its way out. It was tempting to quench it down, squelch it inside of her, as she did every month when the moon grew strong. But she took a deep breath and let the change consume her, let the pain begin to rip through her body.

"No!" she screamed at one point as the pain became almost unbearable, and she shouted because if she didn't she'd really stop it.

And then, she was a wolf. A young wolf, as always, and more cute than ferocious, but a wolf nevertheless. But it was different, because the moon was weak, its power not as strong over her as it was on the nights she was forced the change. She felt angry, but it wasn't as forced, didn't feel so much like someone else's rages pouring out through her.

Faolan looked up at Raul, confused inside her now wolfish mind. And then she glared and her lips raised into a snarl. For it was _Raul_ now that forced her into this form, that put her under the power of the moon and made her go through the pain of the change!

_You_, she thought darkly and dropped off the bed to curl around the Companion's long legs, inhaling the horse-like scent with something akin to hunger. And then she let her jaw drop open, glancing up at the Companion as she did so. Had she noticed? Not yet…

Whirling around Faolan's jaws snapped at the Companion's leg, but met hoof, solid and unbitable. She dug her teeth in anyway, disgusted at the lack of blood in her mouth. And then the leg thrashed out and she flew across the room, hitting the door with a low thud and sliding to the ground. It left her uninjured; the fling was done with almost not force at all.

_:**Don't** bite me:_ Raul said, her mind voice as ferocious as Faolan's growl, _:Don't you _dare_ bite me Faolan! Have you lost all your senses?_:

_Yes actually_, Faolan thought but did not say, _I have…_ She snarled in response to Raul but didn't move, staying limp and curled at the foot of the door.

_:My love you for will not hold me back in protecting the two of us:_ she warned, _:So do not think I will be a pushover.:_

_I don't think that_, Faolan mused and then stood up, sniffing at the foot of the door. She could smell the night out there, and longed to be in it. And perhaps tonight, with Spring around the corner, she'd find a nice juicy young animal to feast on. It would be a welcome after so much oatmeal and preserved bread.

_:Wait:_ Raul said and Faolan stepped out of the way as the Companion moved over to the door and nudged up the latch with her nose, pushing it open.

_It seems like it would be so easy_, Faolan thought as she trotted out of the door past the four white pillar legs, _To just bite one. Ah well… I suppose Valdemar isn't ready for Companion-Werewolves._

At that amusing notion Faolan felt extremely cheerful, so much so that she didn't mind her paws sinking into the mud, in fact, she enjoyed it. There wasn't much to be angry about, either that or the moon was as potent, but Faolan did not run around in a blind rage.

She stopped, about twenty feet from the Waystation and looked backwards, at the white shape silhouetted and glowing from the fire within, and she knew Raul would not pursue her this night. However, Faolan realized with a twinge of guilt, that was because Raul expected her to try and control her wolfish self, when it was her human self that really needed controlling.

She shook her head with a sneeze through her nose and then continued, feeling the blue eyes of the Companion upon her until she was too far from the Waystation to be seen, until she was out of sight…

_Later…_

The sun was rising but the moon still hung in the sky, low albeit, but still there, and Faolan wondered if she'd just turn back when the moon was gone or if she'd have to initiate the change herself, the way she had turned herself. The idea of changing back wasn't very appealing.

She lay on a rock, dry, her head resting on her paws and her blue eyes peering at the eastern horizon and the pink and orange glow that could be seen through the trees. _It's quite pretty_, she was thinking and then yawned, rolling over onto her back and stretching before returning to her musings.

_Maybe I could stay a wolf_, she thought and snarled with delight at this, _And just run off, forever a werewolf bringing terror through Valdemar! And with the war, I could start turning soldiers into werewolves and then there'd BE no Valdemar anymore! _

But her emotions turned at this thought and she stood up, staring darkly at the sunrise and feeling decidedly sleepy. _No Valdemar_, she thought again and felt a twinge of pain deep inside her and something asked, _But don't you want to be a Herald?_

_No!_ Faolan snarled and leapt off the rock, all sleepiness gone as she pounced on a rude appearing stick and sunk her teeth deep into her- but it wasn't blood and it just made her angrier. So she tore off, running through the trees away from the sunrise as if she wished to outrun it and live in night forever.

And then, up ahead she saw a brown building and she slowed, the hair on her back raising in deep suspicion. She had lost all sense of direction- was it possible that she had found her way back to the Waystation? She supposed so, and crept forward slowly, her paws as light as faeries upon the wet leaves and sticks- there was no mud off the path.

She could smell Companion, and human as she neared, and she slowly crept around the side, brushing against the damp wood until she reached the door. It was open, and Faolan peered inside to see Raul, her end to the door, dozing and gazing into the fire. She did not see Faolan.

_How strange…_ Faolan thought, _To be gazing in upon the life I had with the knowledge that I will never have it again._

And something inside her switched and before she could stop herself she was darting inside, leaving wet and muddy paw prints on the floor and she was leaping up onto the bed and curling up with the pillow and changing herself back, faster than she ever had before, ignoring the pain and she following the need to be _human_ again…

"I hate my wolf self," Faolan croaked once the change was over and Raul was standing over her, her eyes concerned and curious. Bits of leaves and twigs and mud and water still stuck to her bare skin and she felt thoroughly dirty and in need of a good bath. Not to mention the sheets would need cleaning as well.

_:Well… yes. You are a bit of a work in that form, Faolan:_ Raul agreed with a tilt of her head and a smile in her voice.

"I wish I wasn't," Faolan said, her voice dull like her eyes, "I can still feel her inside me, angry and plotting. I don't want to have something like that in me. It's like there are now two me's one a wolf and the other human, but I can't get rid of either one and in both forms I'm forced to suffer the consequences of what I've done in the opposite!"

_:There are not two Faolans:_ Raul said softly, nudging Faolan with a soft nose, _:There is only one, and she is sitting right before me. The wolf form, it only allows you to release feelings you have as a human without guilt or shame. Those feelings are still real and understandable and cannot be ignored or dismissed as the workings of the moon. All that your curse can do to you is put you into another form where the paths of thought are changed, it cannot _create_ emotions.:_

Faolan closed her eyes, feeling her stomach curl at those words with a horrible guilt and she curled up, unable to look at Raul as she whispered, "Then that means on some level it's really me that hates you?"

_:Yes:_ Raul said, her voice holding a hint of sadness, _:But that is truly natural for a human. Under normal conditions you would be able to reason your way through and dismiss such thoughts, however, your wolf form will continue to bring them back again. I'm afraid you might have to convince yourself as wolf why you needn't be angry, and sometimes anger has logic on her side- I will help as I can.:_

"I don't want to change again," Faolan said with a shudder.

_:Then you are not facing yourself:_ Raul said sharply and Fao opened her eyes in surprise, _:You are not three years old, although you may feel it! You have the strength of centuries behind you, and even if I will be the only one to remind you of this in Haven, I will _still_ remind you! I don't expect you to change soon, but I do expect you to take on some of the burdens of someone of your true age, not all, because in some ways you _are_ three years old, but I would not have Chosen you if you were _nothing_ but three years old.:_

"Sorry," Faolan whispered, squeezing her eyes shut again, "It's just… it's so easy to feel resentment and push away hard work, it's so _easy_ to feel you're being too hard on me."

_:That is where you are three:_ Raul said, _:And you will have to learn again how to control your emotions, although I don't doubt you will learn much quicker than most. But I have confidence in you, Faolan.:_

"Okay," Faolan said and sat up, opening her eyes once more to stare deep within Raul's deep blue ones, "I won't let you down."


	7. On the Road to Haven and Recovery

_Thunk!_ An arrow sunk deep into the wood of a tree. Faolan picked up another arrow and strung it onto the bow, pulling back the string with delight at the ease of handling. She grinned up at Raul before releasing this arrow. It landed closer to the center of the target, but still not quite there.

_:You know Faolan, we'll be leaving soon:_ Raul commented lightly as the girl admired her random patterning of arrows stuck into the target tree and the trees around it.

"I really like this bow," she said, holding up the one she'd made over the past months and running her hand down the bowstring which happened to be made of Companion's tail hairs and shimmered like moonlight in the darkness. The bow itself she'd painted black, using a mixture of things they'd found in the storage part of the Waystation.

_:It's an impressive accomplishment:_ Raul agreed, looking at the shiny black paint through which you could just barely see the wood grains, _:I'm proud.:_

Faolan glanced up once more, feeling surprising happy by Raul's statement and with renewed vigor she shot another arrow out at the tree, however- it thoroughly missed. A few hours they returned to the Waystation for dinner- the eastern horizon was starting to lighten.

"I'm not sure I want to go to Haven," Fao confided as she perched on the edge of the bed, digging into a bowl of oatmeal flavored with the last of the cinnamon. She wore only an undershirt and her thinnest pair of pants. Her feet were bare, for two reasons. One, she'd outgrown her boots, and the second was that it was high summer and shoes were no longer entirely needed.

_:I know I want to go, but I have misgivings about the welcome you'll receive:_ Raul said, bobbing her head.

"I really don't like condescending adults, and I'm afraid I'll meet some in Haven," Faolan added, "I've never met any in this life, and back when I knew adults I was still actually a three year old."

Absentmindedly she reached and under her shirt to touch the two scars on her shoulder that marked the changing of her life. Raul heaved a sigh and then went back outside, leaving the door open to let in some ventilation and started nosing at some grass growing in patches that were probably sunny during the day.

"And everyone will probably treat me like a kid," Faolan said with disgust, raising her voice so Raul could still hear, "And we'll have to get up in the morning."

She slid off the bed and stepped outside, peering at the horizon and added, "Instead of going to bed."

_:You'll get used to it:_ Raul said but Faolan was sure as she went back inside and lay down on the bed, drifting slowly into a confused sleep.

Faolan threw her head back, her eyes staring wide and unseeing at the ceiling and her fingers clenched tightly into fists. And then just as she had tensed she relaxed and fell backwards onto the bed, her eyes slipping shut and her body only shaking the tiniest bit. Raul watched silently as the fire crackled and spat and fur slowly spread across Faolan's body. Her bones began to twist and move and the Companion closed her eyes, looking away. Meanwhile Faolan basked in sunlight scenery, totally gone from her body to escape the pain.

_"An apple?" a voice asked and I turned my head, peering over my shoulder and letting a gentle smile cross my face at the sight of the well dressed young man standing behind me, a shiny red piece of fruit balanced in his outstretched hand._

"_Thank you, sir," I told him politely, giving him my sweetest look as I plucked the apple from his hand. _

_Keeping my eyes on him I leaned back against the tree neatly and took a bite of the fruit. It was sweet, as it should be, for the season was perfect for apples. Warm sunlight washed against my face and I felt like basking. Nearby my mare was cropping at grass and behind me the son of Lord Garry was absolutely _swooning_ over me. Nothing could possibly be better. _

_Suddenly I looked up at the sound of hoof beats and a man dressed in the livery of my family quickly dismounted from a horse- one I recognized as ours. The man bowed to me and Tom._

"_Lady Alexandra, your presence is required by the Lord," he said and then, his eyes properly down, waited for an answer._

"_Tell him I'll be there," I answered and daintily pulled myself to me feet, turning to look at Tom, "Would you escort me back to the house?"_

"_It would be my pleasure," he answered and as the servant spurred his horse back to the house and we moved over to our horses. I took Lady's reins and Tom helped me up into the saddle of the pretty white horse. I patted her neck as Tom mounted up, admiring his grace upon horseback._

_We rode back through the orchard in silence, ducking occasionally to avoid a low branch and the only sound around us was that of the birds and our horses' hooves. It was pleasant, but I had a suspicion that what my Father wished to speak to me about wouldn't be. I was already sixteen and unmarried and he had been dropping hints about finding me a Lord at recent dinners. He'd _also_ been dropping hints about nunneries and sending me to school. I shuddered at that thought. Imagine be shuttled off to _learn_ for years and then being expected to work as a nurse or secretary in the Palace all day when one could be out and working one's way to the King's side!_

_Tom did not leave my side when we reached the house, and in fact insisted on coming inside with me. I made no moves to halt him, and so when I entered my Lord Father's study, it was with Tom by my side. My Father was a tall and imposing man- he kept himself well in shape unlike some higher Lords that let themselves go fat. His hair was black and his eyebrows were thick and bushy and like a hawk. Tom, on the other hand, had the appearance of a schoolboy. He was in fine shape but his hair was fair and golden and hung against his back in a loose ponytail, while his eyes were the lightest blue and sparkled with mischief. _

"_Alexandra," the Lord said and walked over to me, giving Tom a hard look, but saying nothing about his presence, "I have found someone to marry you to." At those words he gave Tom a pointed look and continued, "In fact, several someones. Your suitors will arrive tomorrow for evaluation. All are wealthy men, young as well, I would not give you to an old man, and all are in high standing. I will take your opinion on them, but your word is not final. Mine is, and it is in your best interest to remember that."_

"_But sir," Tom put in and we both looked at him in surprise, "Your daughter already has a suitor."_

"_Excuse me?" my father said slowly and my heart leapt._

"_Me," Tom said with a cocky smirk, "I'm courting your daughter. You need none others to come, for I am asking you now for her hand."_

"_I am afraid you do not have what you are offering," my father said dryly, "I have already spoken to your Father and he does not find Alexandra acceptable for you. I suggest you look elsewhere for a bride."_

_My eyes widened and Tom's jaw dropped and I turned to stare at Tom. I knew he loved me but I hadn't expected him to ask permission to propose to me _now_… although I'd expected him to do it eventually but the idea that _his_ father would refuse the marriage was unspeakable!_

"_Father isn't there something you can do?" I cried out, tears springing to my eyes. I would marry none other than Tom!_

"_There is nothing," my father said and either it was just me or there was a hint of kindness in his voice. _

"Ow," Faolan whispered, but it came out more like, "Aerrr…"

She blinked blue eyes as the room came into focus and then pulled herself shakily onto her four paws, still half lost in the memory that had consumed her. And then she wrinkled her nose in disgust.

_To think I was ever such a priss!_ Faolan thought and snarled under her breath, _And Tom! What an ass! _

_:Faolan_: Raul's voice sounded in her head and Faolan looked up and supressed a bout of anger that threatend to rage up inside her chest and she stared at the door, knowing that _this_ time she wasn't here to run around and play.

_:I'm here:_ Faolan snarled up at the Companion, peering up at the horse shaped being with eyes as blue as they were in her human form. She sat down on the bed, peering around the way station with the attitude of an offended teenager, _:Just reminiscing about the good life.: _

_:Hmm_:Raul's ears flicked back and forth as she watched her Chosen carefully, clearly surprised at finding a talkative Faolan-wolf.

_:As a noble. It wasn't a good life. I was being sarcastic:_ Faolan drawled as she lay down, resting her head on her paws and resisting the urge to bite Raul's head off. It was _her_ fault she wasn't gallivanting off around the countrysideand _enjoying_ herself. But no… they had to stay inside and she had to 'control' herself. But even as she felt this, this tiny bit of Faolan inside her kept her from attempting to do just that and Faolan _hated_ that about herself. Hated that she had turned into such a goody good as to not _want_ to go gallivanting.

_:This is such a pussy way of being a wolf:_ Faolan commented a few minutes later, digging her claws into the soft bedding beneath her paws.

_:Well it's what you'll have to do in Haven:_ Raul reminded her and Faolan leapt to her feet with a snarl.

_:I know that you arrogant horse:_ Faolan snapped, biting her teeth together with an audible snap and whirling around on the bed before falling down into a lying position once more, _:It just sucks.: _

With that she closed her eyes and imagined ways that she could terrorize Haven once they arrived, and thought of what the idiotic Heralds would think when they realized that one of their Companions had Chosen a madwoman. Suddenly she felt something brush the hairs on her back and she popped her eyes open to see Raul standing above her. The Companion's nose touched her back once more and then ran down the length of her spine and before she could stop herself Faolan had rolled over and nudged Raul back, playfully, kindly, and most of all without anger.

_:What a wimp:_ Faolan thought of herself as she dozed into an uncomfortable sleep.

_Two months later…_

"Farewell," Faolan whispered to the Waystation as Raul used her teeth to pull the door shut. The place was dark, and it looked strange that way, for in all the months they'd spent there Raul had always kept a fire going. She'd never cut wood for it, it had burned solely on wind fall.

Then Raul dropped down to lay on her stomach so Faolan could climb up onto the saddle much too big for her. Her things, the bow and extra clothes, were tied to the back of the saddle and the stirrups had been tied up as well- they were much too long for Faolan anyway.

"We're a motley pair," Faolan commented as Raul began to walk steadily down the path from the Waystation to the road.

For the saddle and bridle that hung upon Raul were too big for her, just a little, and Faolan looked like a sparrow perched up on the saddle that swamped her. Her eyes drifted up to the sky, and the stars. The night before had been the last night she'd been forced to change to a wolf, so as to hopefully avoid having to go wolfish in an Inn. They had debated whether or not to stay at Inns, because of Faolan's age, and in the end they decided Waystations were better; there was no one to make explanations to there, but something could happen to force them to make a pit stop at an Inn, and if Fao turned into a wolf that would make things that more complicated.

Last night had been rough, for although Faolan could control herself to an extent now as a wolf, it was quite difficult, and mostly she just bristled with bridled rage whilst laying on the bed in the Waystation. It was, as predicted, difficult to convince her wolf self that attempting to take over the world was _not_ the best thing to do. The strange thing that happened though, as her wolf self became more and more Faolan, was that her Faolan self became more and more wolfish. Not in appearance but in actions. She started liking any non-meat foods less and less and she was often tempted to growl when frustrated. And her emotions as human became harder to control. Raul said that may have been the affect of centuries of different attitudes and ways of dealing conflicting with each other and not just from the change, but Faolan wasn't too sure. She'd became fairly good at ignoring her lives when they'd only complicate things, and relying on _Faolan_ for personality.

_:I hate to think of the shame we're doing Heralds just by walking on a public road:_ Raul commented, her voice amused as the bridle bells chimed.

"When are we going to see people?" Faolan asked at that, her voice holding an anxious note.

_:I'm not sure, in a few days probably:_ Raul said and shook her head, sending the bridle bells into spasms of tinkliness.

Faolan didn't answer but Raul could feel her sitting tensely on the saddle. Her eyes gazed out over the dark woods around them, without any fear of darkness, and she was off in her own world.

_:It'll help that we're traveling by night.:_

"Maybe we shouldn't- you know, to get used to a diurnal lifestyle," Fao suggested,

_:No:_ Raul disagreed, _:It'll lessen the questions about why a young Companion is carting a four year old off to Haven. Not that anyone will ask, but the whole affair would be uncomfortable- and believe me, readjusting your sleep schedule while spending the entire day, or night, riding won't be fun.:_

"All right," Fao said with a nod, happy to agree with that.

_:What ever did happen to your parents, Faolan_: Raul inquired a moment later and the girl tensed more in the saddle, her hands tightening around the reins. Raul, in the silent darkness, could hear her breath quicken, and she wondered if now was the right time to finish the subject up.

"Uh…" Fao said once she was sure Raul expected an answer. However, 'uh' wasn't an answer so she added on, "I don't know what my Pa's doing, and I don't really care. Looking back, he was really a cheap bastard. I didn't understand it before I was bitten, all I knew was I didn't like him much. It makes me angry to think of the way I was manipulated, or could have been manipulated. My Ma was okay, she didn't whip me or anything but she didn't treat me like one of her own. I was their only child and I think I was the only one they figured they'd ever get- there must have been infertility problems and I suppose part of the fuss was with me being a girl. Pa would have wanted a son to help with the farm. A lot I'm inferring from my memories… Raul I knew so little."

_:It's all right: _Raul said, her quick yet comfortable walk comfortable and as sleep inducing as the rocking of a ship.

"I don't know, Raul… It's so strange to think about them, now that I remember my old lives, I mean, they're not the _only_ parents I know anymore, but despite that knowledge I think of them as mine… you know?" Faolan mused, alternatively gazing at Raul and the scenery disappearing around them, "Anyway… I ran away. The night you and the werewolf found me was the first night I was spending outside. I wasn't lost- but you must have known that otherwise you'd have brought me home first instead of carrying me straight off to some Waystation."

_:I knew because you told me:_ Raul said and Faolan started in surprise, _:But you were feverish- it's no surprise you don't remember. Once the wolf was dead I asked you were you lived, who your parents where, and you whispered up to me, "Don't take me home, whatever you do, please don't take me home." I remember it very clearly because your voice was so full of pleading, as if it were life you were asking for and not a destination. I didn't try and search for your parents but I've always wondered Faolan. Yet you've never seem inclined to speak about it, nor does it seem to bother you much, yet I wonder… People can keep things deeply buried. Are you sure you're all right_:

"Oh," Faolan said and ran a hand through her hair nervously and then nodded quickly, "I'm all right. It doesn't seem so… important, what with you and the wolf and my other lives. I mean, if I didn't have my other lives I think it'd be a lot harder to cope, but I can see things from an outside point of view now and that makes it a lot easier. It hurts, Raul, but nothing life destroying. It hurts that it hurts, but it isn't my life- that's not what matters. I suppose I should talk about it though?"

_:You should: _Raul said with a nod of her head, the moonlight sparkling over her white mane. It was keeping Faolan awake, despite the repetitive motions and woods around her. It was so unlike the nights when she'd first changed it made Faolan feel like it was a different world. The trees had leaves upon them, and although she couldn't see the green of the leaves in the black and white night world, it was still beautiful. Warm air curled around them and the moon seemed less stark and demanding, it was more playful, more friendly in the summer.

"Well…" Faolan sighed and stared up at the moon, and the rabbit shape inside it, wondering how such a powerful object could be represented by something as innocent as a rabbit, "Again, I wouldn't be able to describe it like this if it weren't for my memories, but my Pa was… an abusive man. And my Ma left. She abandoned me and him, and I felt angry at her back then, but now I see she was wise to do so- I only wish she'd taken me along. After she was gone Pa turned to me to take out his anger on, not that he hadn't already done that before, but just not as drastically. It only took a week before I was off too. I was looking for Ma. I doubt I'll ever see her again, even if I'd run away in summer and hadn't run into you and the werewolf I probably wouldn't have found her."

_:Oh Fao…:_ Raul whispered and her steps faltered as she turned her head to gaze directly back at her Chosen, _:I suspected some of that… but that can't possibly be as little to you as you claim it to be.:_

"Maybe it isn't," Fao said, her face unreadable but her voice wavering, "I'm not really sure actually. It'll probably hit me once we start interacting with people again. You know- if I didn't have my old lives it'd probably be easier to deal with because by the time I realized what had happened I'd be so old I would barely be able to remember either of them."

_:Faolan:_ Raul said and Fao glanced up at the filly's ears, _:I love you, you know that_:

"I know," Faolan whispered and leaned down around the saddle horn to hug the Companion's neck, pressing her face into her silky mane.


	8. The Heraldic Collegium

**A/N: Here is the next chapter. My inspiration is dying so the next chapters might be a little more spaced out. I've already written 9, 10, and 11 so those will be up within a week each time, as usual but after that I'm not sure... Who knows, maybe I'll get reinspired by the time three weeks go by! Anyway, I owe a lot of my inspiration to you reviews so I give you all my heartfelt thanks...  
Stormy Phoenix- Yup, and thanks! I try and make each chapter continue to get better... If I'm getting boring or repetitive please tell me or if you have ideas tell me those too!  
Glaciours- Hands out cavities I know... I'm a cheesy person. Don't worry, it won't all be cavities. There'll be some hard packed action and tragedy and whatnot. Maybe not tragedy... How about angst?  
****mugglepirate****- Here are some people! I know I skipped over the road trip but it wasn't important to the plot- these meetings of people are the important ones. I hope you continue to enjoy this story!**

_:Well… here we are:_ Raul said as they stepped up in front of the Heraldic Collegium, _:And this is where we leave each other to face different obstacles with undoubtedly similar attitudes.:_

"What do I do Raul?" Faolan asked as the mare went to her knees for the girl to slip of her back, her feet still bare clad- the cobblestones were cool against her feet. It was early morning and she felt awake enough- she'd slept the night in the saddle while Raul plodded on, and they'd come into Haven before activity had truly started, and no one gave either a second glance.

_:Be yourself… well not entirely:_ Raul said with a wink, straightening up and shaking her saddle uncomfortably, _:Just put on your best 'I'm really four' look and they'll do whatever you ask. I'll be taking all the shit, no one will blame you for anything. But remember, they can't take back a Companion's Choice, and a Companion never Chooses wrong. Don't let anyone convince you otherwise Faolan.:_

"All right," Faolan nodded and ran a hand through her lengthening hair and then stretched, looking over at the rising sun on the eastern horizon with an awkward twitch of her nose as she added, "I think everyone should be nocturnal. I bet no one knows how great it is."

_:You wolf you:_ Raul teased and Faolan went quiet, only moving to run her hand along Raul's leg nervously.

"I'm afraid," she whispered and Raul pressed her nose against the girl's shoulder reassuringly.

_:Someone is coming for you now- the Collegium should already be well up and about- but you'll still get breakfast if you can stomach it:_ she said and looked up, pricking her ears forward as a Heraldic trainee, looking about thirteen and still half asleep appearing. He peered at Raul for a long moment and then said to her, "You're the one Noland has been speaking of."

His voice seemed strangely unemotional, but Faolan attributed that to sleepiness for his eyes expressed a sort of confused indifference to the world at large. They were pale blue and seemed to be staring off into a different world and not at the one they were in, even when they looked directly at someone or something.

Raul only snorted at him and he looked down at Faolan, and a smile twitched across his lips and he said, "Hi. I'm Christopher Alaska. I suppose you're the newest trainee."

The last bit was said with a lack of confidence, and unsurity that unsettled Faolan and made her shift her weight back and forth from foot to foot. She hoped Raul wouldn't leave soon- her presence, large and powerful, made her sure everything would be all right. Nothing in her past lives prepared her for this- for she'd never been a Herald before.

"Come with me… uh, what's your name?" Christopher inquired, kneeling down to peer at Faolan eye to eye.

"Faolan," she said, meeting his gaze directly and in a challenging manner, daring him to question her right to be there.

"Well… I'm supposed to take you to the Dean meanwhile," he said and straightened up.

"Meanwhile?" Faolan echoed, plucking at her warm and itchy shirt- Raul had insisted she wear one while in the city.

"Never mind," Chris said and turned around to go inside the building and Fao sighed- here was the start of it, the treatment towards her as a child.

_:Good luck:_ she said to Raul and the filly gave a low nicker and then Fao heard her hooves chiming away- chiming for the first time on the hard cobblestone. It was a beautiful noise and Faolan smiled, knowing it'd be a sound she could easily grow used to.

_:I'm afraid I'll need it:_ the Companion said, her mindvoice fading with the distance.

And she followed Christopher Alaska inside, her feet silent on the wood floors down fine hallways until they finally stopped before a door and the Herald trainee stopped and knocked.

"Come in," a voice answered and Christopher pushed the door open.

Sitting at a neat desk was a man with wavy brown hair that only came to his ears and sharp blue eyes peering at the two through glasses perched upon a sharp nose. He wore the whites of a Herald and had the air of someone who knows exactly what they're doing.

"This is the Dean of the Herald's Collegium, Jason Ashwater" Chris said softly to Faolan and then said to the Dean, "And this is the, uh, newest trainee, Faolan."

"Welcome to Haven Faolan, why don't you have a seat?" Ashwater said, motion at two chairs in front of the desk. Faolan chose the one with padding, finding it delightfully bouncy as she pulled herself up onto it, "And Christopher, you may leave."

She heard the door close as footsteps fade into the distance and felt very alone- even if Christopher had been sort of distant he had been someone, and not an adult. With a sigh she turned to look back at the Dean, meeting his gaze with her own.

"So," he said, looking her over and Faolan had to remind herself that he was a Herald, and wouldn't send her to be eaten by lions- because he certainly looked like he had it in him.

"Hi," she said, giving her cutest smile and thinking that if she was old enough, she could consider him quite handsome- but the oddest thing about having memories yet being a child was that she was _aware_ of things like that, but felt nothing in response to it, and along with that came the sense that she didn't really care either way.

"Well Faolan, you're a bit young to be Chosen, but we'll see what we can do," he said, with a sort of distant look, different to Christopher's but still 'away.'

"What are you going to do?" Faolan inquired, feeling that she had it much easier than Raul was undoubtedly having at that exact moment- adults didn't expect anything of four year olds.

"Train you, of course," he said with a smile that revealing slightly crooked teeth, but was friendly, nevertheless, "You won't start your Heraldic training until you're ten, but we'll find things for you to do until then. Now, I'll need some information about you, so pay close attention and try your best to answer these well."

Faolan nodded, holding back annoyance at him, at least he didn't use a different voice to talk to her- and it wasn't like they _knew_ she could understand things perfectly well. And as Raul said, that was something they _couldn't_ know.

"Can I have your full name and your parents names?" he asked, picking up a quill and posing it over a sheet of paper.

"Faolan of Dufret. I don't have any parents," Faolan said, wondering if he'd inquire further. It was a lie, she had parents, she just didn't associate with them. It'd be easier to be considered an orphan. Or would it?- she paused… It would be nice to imagine the look on her Father's face to discover she'd been Chosen, instead of freezing to death.

"Well…" Faolan added quickly, fidgeting some to display her indecision, "I mean I have parents but…"

"Yes Faolan?" he inquired and his tone sounded almost fatherly. Fao decided she liked him.

"Mama ran away before I was Chosen and I went after her, but I never found her and then Raul found me," she explained, choosing the simplest words she could think of- she supposed even if she acted the way she did with Raul they'd just think she was a smart kid but Fao didn't want to take chances.

"Would you like us to send word to either of them?" he asked, looking concerned now.

"Both, yes please," Faolan nodded, hiding her smirk. She supposed in any other occasion a child like her would be scarred by the experiences she'd been through- and she almost was, but her memories helped her work through what happened and she _didn't_ need to talk about it anymore than she'd spoken to Raul.

"All right," he nodded and wrote some more things down, "You're from Dufret then?"  
Faolan nodded and he then asked, "What were your parents occupations?"

"We were farmers," Faolan said and leaned back in the chair to peer at a ceiling in slightly worse shape than the walls- she supposed they didn't get as good care as the places you could reach easier.

"All right, thank you Faolan," he said with another smile at her, "Christopher will be back in a few minutes to take you to breakfast and then to get you measured for your uniform and shoes and show you to your room."  
Faolan nodded and the Dean stood up and came over to stand in front of her, and then, after a moment, he kneeled down and took her hand and said, "Don't worry about anything Faolan. We'll take care of you here."

She could see behind his eyes, _No matter what the Companions decide._ Still, a Choice was a Choice… She supposed the worst they could do was wait and see if she grew into someone who was still a Herald, and not a few of them was expect a repudiation like the one that happened with Trainee Tylendel- except not for murder. And they'd sigh and shake their heads and everything would be back to normal. She hid another grin- boy would they prove them wrong!

There was another knock and Christopher came back in, still looking sort of dazed and out of it. Faolan supposed that was just the way he looked, and not due to just getting up. He looked at her and Faolan slid off the chair. The Dean stood up and gave Fao a reassuring smile, or what was meant to be one, and then she walked over to Christopher.

"Okay Faolan," he said and she nodded and they moved back into the hallway and the shiny polished wood floors that felt odd and flat against her bare feet after dirt all summer.

"First," he said with a sort of wistful grin, "We shall get breakfast and you can meet all the rest of the trainees. Food first. Then we'll do the measurement stuff- my first class won't be for an hour after breakfast since I'm being excused from chores to tote you around until you get used to things."

_Or until something else is done about me_, Faolan thought cynically to herself but kept it silent.

"What do you like for breakfast, Faolan?" Chris asked, looking down at her as they walked side by side. Faolan's eyes came to just past his waste and she felt _short_ for the first time in her life.

"Uh," Fao said- she'd had oatmeal for meals, and meat, for the last eight months. What _did_ she like? She couldn't really remember eating anything interesting back before she'd been Chosen but in her most recent life… She specifically recalled, now that she thought of it, that she enjoyed cranberry jam on bread, still hot from the oven.

"Cranberry jam on bread," she said after a moment's thought, scratching her arm and wondering what was on the other sides of the doors they were passing.

"Never had it," Christopher said, "But it sounds good. Personally, I prefer eggs. And sausage."

"You should try it," Faolan said with a grin, peering up at Christopher. He caught her gaze and looked down, and a grin came across his face at the expression on _her_ face.

"You know what?" he said, "I think I will. And here we are."

He pushed open a wide door and aromas suddenly assaulted Faolan's nose in such a manner that it felt like tiny scented ants were swarming up her nostrils and screaming scents into her nose. _Swamped_ would accurately describe it. A chorus of voices and the clatter of utensils on plates met her ears- and this too was loud enough to send her into a state of shock. For the longest time the only voice she'd hear was her own, and even back at home they'd never gone to gatherings with so many _people_. In fact, she hadn't been in a city since being a noble!

"You a farm kid?" Christopher asked and for the longest moment Faolan stared at him dumbly before understanding and she nodded her head.

"You'll get used to it," he said and patted her shoulder, "We're a big family."

"Big is the right word," Faolan muttered, not meaning anyone to hear, but she must have spoken louder than she thought or Chris had excellent hearing for he laughed and lead her through the tables to a specific one among the masses.

"Everyone," Chris said and about five people stopped eating- Fao assumed that was his 'everyone', "Meet the newest trainee, Faolan."

"Bit small to be a trainee, aren't you?" a voice asked. It came from a boy that looked to be perhaps a year older than Chris. His eyes were squinty and his hair, brown and down to his ears, seemed a bit too bouncy to be natural. It wasn't curly, but it just… went up before coming down. Faolan would have nailed him as an ex-noble right away, and he had the air of someone who is used to being the center of attention and knowing everything about someone before they've ever met. But she supposed he had to be okay, because he was going to be a Herald, right?

Faolan tried to come up with a good retort to his comment, but she couldn't really think of any and she wasn't supposed to be acting their age, she was supposed to be acting four, so she said, "I'll get bigger."

"I'm sure you will Fao!" he said with a knowing grin that suggested he was not at all certain of that, but Fao knew what he really wasn't certain of was that she get bigger as a trainee.

"Go easy on her Keanu," another trainee said. His voice had a laid back tone and, indeed, he was sort of flopped in a relaxed manner in his chair. His black hair was longer than Keanu's and fell over his eyes, mimicking the way he seemed to fall over the chair. Now he turned his eyes on Faolan and smiled at her, "You'll have fun here Faolan."

Faolan only smiled back at him sort of nervously as Christopher pointed out another black haired trainee, this one quite skinny, that Faolan thought was a boy until she spoke up. Her name was Ranae. The other two had names that Faolan didn't quite catch, but both were interested and curious by her. In fact, Faolan realized as she let her eyes scan the room, most people were casting discreet glances in her direction.

"Sit, sit Faolan, and help yourself," Chris said, reaching over to another table and plucking up a clean plate for her and setting it down before her on the table. Faolan climbed into the chair and found that when sitting, her chin only came about three inches above the table. She moved up to stand on the chair and, leaning on the table, reached across her plate to pluck a roll from a plate in the center of the table.

"I didn't know they Chose kids that young," Ranae whispered to Keanu and Fao decided she'd have to get used to the idea that people would assume she couldn't hear them or didn't understand.

"The Companions know what they're doing," Keanu said with a bored yawn and stretched before returning to poke at a few piece of sausage left on his plate.

"But it's odd, don't you think?" Ranae inquired, nudging Keanu, her dark eyes nervous and she moved her arms in a way that seemed to Fao as if she would knock something over any minute.

"I suppose," Keanu shrugged and speared a sausage.

"So… Faolan," Tobie said from across the table. Faolan looked up at him from her roll, which she'd been methodically peeling the layers of bread off of.

"Huh?" she inquired, pretending she hadn't heard Keanu and Ranae's quiet discussion.

"Where you from? What do you think of being Chosen?" he asked. His plate was empty but for some crumbs and Fao assumed he'd finished eating.

"Uh," Faolan said, "Dufret. We were farmers."

"A lot of us were," Tobie nodded, "Me, my father was a blacksmith. I was learning the lay of the job when ole' Charan Chose me."

"Only gonna be one four footed animal whose hooves you'll play with now, huh?" Faolan asked with a grin, finishing her roll and reaching for another. They were sweet, and buttery, and Faolan found them immensely pleasing.

"Yeah," Tobie agreed then asked, "Who Chose you?"

"Raul," Faolan said with a grin, wondering how the filly was coping. As she looked around at those sitting around her, she felt it strange to realize that all of them had lived previous lives, lives that affected them strongly but which they could not touch, or access. All they knew were the short years they'd lived in one life. Raul was different, in that way. She was wise beyond her years and Faolan knew it had to do with being a Companion… or something. She certainly knew a great deal more than any of the Heraldic trainees did sitting around her, or any of the human adults she'd known in this life.  
"Is she a young Companion?" Keanu asked suddenly, and then, by way of explanation, added, "My Companion, Daveigh, told me your Companion's age corresponded to your own. Seems to be something of a… surprise… in the Companion's Field."

"Yeah," Faolan nodded, feeling like she should be suspicious of Keanu's words, but quashing that and forcing herself not to act hostile. Mostly, little kids didn't act very hostile.

"Maybe it's the war," Ranae poked Keanu and he turned back to her.

"Why would it be the war? She won't be able to assume Heraldic duties for _at least_ ten years… that doesn't make sense," he hissed back at her.

"You done?" Christopher asked. He must have eaten before getting her, because he hadn't touched anything and his plate was clean.

Faolan looked up at Chris and nodded. Full, she now felt like a good nap. Going on her old nocturnal scale, it was nearing the time she'd usually go to bed. Presumably no one would mind if she slept odd hours since they could pin it on her age, and she doubted she'd be given chores at her age, either. The way Chris had mentioned being dismissed from his chores made Faolan suspect it was something all trainees had to do.

"Yes," she said, and Christopher pushed out his chair and stood up, "All right guys. I'm taking Faolan off to show her around and get her uniforms and stuff."

"Okay, see you Alaska," Tobie said and waved a hand good bye.

"Later Alaska," Keanu nodded.

"Have fun," said Ranae with an uneasy smile.

"We will," Christopher, or Alaska, or whatever he went by said and led Fao out once more, through the curious eyes of the trainees and Heralds.


	9. The Beginning

**A/N: Thanks a bunch to all reviews of the last chapter! You guys all really helped a lot! So here is the next chapter, but first:  
** **Glaciours****- Hmm... I'm not sure exactly if I meant what you're thinking of. I can't even remember what I was referring to when I said angst... memory leaking down drain Anyway- go ninjas! I have actually seen a movie where there is a random ninja. A purple ninja! Whoop!  
mugglepirate- One word: yup! XD**  
**kytana****- Werewolves are TOTALLY cool! I try and be different. XD.  
Stormy Phoenix- Thank you- I know this story is very thought oriented... Problem is I'm writing in someone else's setting and that always makes me careful when it comes to settings and descriptions. Except for the Companion's Field. That's just fun. hugs the Valdemar Companion Tis very useful but on occasion not useful enough. I often have to go back to Arrows of the Queen to get basic descriptions of the Collegiums and stuff.  
Kathleen G. McCrory- Yup, Raul isn't a full grown Companion! I probably could have emphasized it more earlier. (I use filly to describe her a lot though). That's one of the reasons she's gets a lot of shit and stuff from the other Companions...  
Eric Thorsen- I think time jumps will work... I have trouble making time flow even when there AREN'T years that need to pass.  
**

"And lastly… your room," Christopher said and stopped at the end of a hallway that had many doors, each with a name plate on it, "The Dean tells me we can offer you a room of your own but… we could also find someone who'd be willing to share with you if you don't want to be alone. Or you could go to the dormitories of the Blues. It's up to you."

"Uh," Faolan said and looked up at Christopher. She'd been sleeping in a bed by herself for a long while, but Raul had always been there. It would be nice to share a bedroom, live with other people… But she needed private space. She needed a place that she could lock the door on and turn into a wolf, where no one would see or question her absence.

"I'd like my own room," she said slowly and the nodded, "If that's okay."

"Sure is," Christopher Alaska nodded and then led her down the hall, "This is the girl's side, us boys sleep over there."

He waved his arm presumably at rooms through the walls in the direction he waved and Faolan nodded, not too interested. What was the room of a Heraldic trainee like? She hadn't known the _trainees_ all got their own rooms- it seemed almost too luxurious! But Raul hadn't seemed to worry about where Faolan had changed so Raul must have assumed she'd get her own room all along.

"All right," Chris nodded as they stopped before an unlabeled door, "This room is yours. A label with your name will be placed there soon. Clothes your size will be brought up at some point, along with shoes. Like I said before, you'll be following me around until things are worked out for you. You're the youngest trainee ever, did you know?"

"I am?" Faolan asked, looking curious, even though she already knew she was the youngest person ever to be Chosen.

"Sure are," Christopher nodded and then pushed open the door to let Faolan take a look around, "Your Companion is probably the youngest Companion to Choose too, from what I've heard."

"Wow," Faolan said, not hearing the trainee's last words, and this time she wasn't saying what she _should_ say, she was really amazed. After sleeping in a Way station for so long this room looked like the sleeping place of the King and Queen! She stepped inside- the floors were still wood, and poked at the soft and large bed. There was a dresser as well, and a desk, both looking used and a bit battered, but still… it was wonderful!

"Cool, huh?" Chris asked- he had come in behind her, "I was surprised too. My father is a merchant so I lived in relative wealth but I hadn't expected the Heralds to provide for their trainees so well."

"I like it," Faolan announced, twirling around and letting the room blur together.

"Good. We have about half an hour before my classes start, so I'd suggest taking a bath. You can change into these for now. Inside the bathroom is a laundry shoot, and you can put your old clothes down there, they'll be returned to you later if you want them back," Christopher said. In his arms were the smallest set of trainee grays the Palace had in their possession. They were sized for a small and skinny ten year old, but the seamstress had assured Faolan that once the sleeves and legs were rolled up they'd fit fine. Faolan wasn't so sure.

Christopher led her to the bathrooms and ushered her in, after explaining how the baths worked in case no one else was in there, while they stood outside the door. He said if she finished and he wasn't back, to wait there and then she pushed open the door, a humid air of wetness and moisture greeting her.

The room was large, with several tubs and hot water available for all of them. There was only one other person in the room, a woman that was undoubtedly no longer a trainee, and she was submerged in her tub with her eyes closed. Faolan doubted she wanted to be disturbed so, clutching her clean clothes, moved over to take a towel and began pumping water into a tub.

"Faolan…" a slow, lazy voice said and Faolan jumped before realizing it was the woman Herald, "That's a pretty name. Mine is Rathmir."

"Yours is pretty as well," Faolan answered, still pumping water and staring at the woman who _appeared_ to be asleep. A single droplet of water slid down the woman's bare arm and dropped from her a finger, landing inaudibly on the floor.

"I know Raul," she added a moment later, and her eyes flickered open, revealing eyes that were almost teal in color, "She is the daughter of my Companion."

"Really?" Faolan's interested was piqued and she paused in her water pumping.

"Yes," the Herald nodded and then picked up her head from where it had rested against the edge of the tub and she returned Faolan's gaze. Steam seemed to rise from her wet hair.

_Does everyone know who I am?_ Faolan wondered, and wished she could see Raul once more, know how she was handling the situation. She couldn't feel Raul's mind nearby, but she suspected that had to do with a weakness in her Gift, and not with location.

"Raul is young to be Choosing, as you are young to be Chosen," Rathmir said and lifted up arms that looked delicate to squeeze water from her hair, "Conlan has worried about her."

"Is Conlan your Companion?" Faolan inquired, peering into her tub and deeming it to have enough water.

"He is," she nodded and then reached for a towel that sat on the floor beside her tub and pulled it up around herself as she stood.

"Raul never spoke much about her parents," Faolan said carefully, pulling off her shirt, glad to be rid of the encumbering garment.

"Companions usually don't," Rathmir said with a smile, stepping from the tub and then toweling herself dry.

As Faolan discarded the rest of her clothing and climbed into the tub and into hot water Rathmir added, "Do you have parents somewhere, Faolan? It surprises me that a Companion would take one as young as you from her parents…"

_Unless she were an orphan_, Faolan finished, surprised at the mix of emotions that bubbled up at that question and she preoccupied herself in rubbing soap onto a hand towel before answering.

"I don't have parents," she finally said, deciding that would be easier than trying to explain in a four year old's words why she would much rather be here than with her parents in the first place.

"In that case, I hope you find a family here with the Heralds," Rathmir said, and once she had donned Herald whites she walked over to Faolan's tub and kneeling down on the stone.

"It's so _warm_," Faolan mused as she sat in the water, running her fingers through it, "I haven't had warm water in _ages_."

"Hot baths were the one thing I missed when I went on circuit," Rathmir said with a wistful sigh, "I don't go anymore- I've been reassigned as a teacher here at the Collegium and I must say I think it suits me better. Do you want me to wash your hair for you?"

Faolan paused in washing herself to looked up at the woman, her eyes searching the Herald's face, momentarily confused, and then she nodded, agreeing. Rathmir leaned over and picked up the bar of soap, rubbing her over her hands and then wetting Faolan's hair and running the soap through it.

"Do you think I'll really become a Herald someday?" Faolan asked, realizing she had forgotten how wonderful it was for someone else to wash your hair- like being tickled, it doesn't tickle if you do it yourself. Rathmir's strong fingers working through Faolan's hair and she could _feel_ the dirt coming out.

"Yes," Rathmir answered and she sounded sincere as she met Faolan's eyes, "A Companion never Chooses wrong, no matter how old they are. Even though its different, and it may be hard for you, being so young, I believe there is a reason you are here, a reason that you _needed_ to be here. Usually Companions don't Choose a person until they are old enough that they have pretty much settled into themselves, so it surprised me when I first heard about Raul's Choice. But upon meeting you Faolan, I no longer doubt her. You are definitely something else. I hope I will get the chance to speak with you more, but because your hair is clean, I must be off."

And Rathmir stood and left, without giving Fao and chance to say thank you, leaving her alone in the warm room, feeling slightly unsettled. Was that Herald particularly perceptive or was she not acting her age well enough? She couldn't _think_ of anything she'd said that a four year old wouldn't have but maybe it wasn't in the words. She sighed and leaned back into the water, letting it come just to her eyes and no farther. She looked four, and that was what really mattered. People had a tendency to believe in what they saw and no matter how odd of a four year old she may be, people would still think of her as a four year old.

With a sigh she ducked her head under water once more, massaging the dirt and grime from it and wondering if she could get it cut again- she preferred short hair to long. Upon sitting up she realized the bathwater was quite brown and, wrinkling her nose, she pulled the plug and stepped out, quickly toweling herself dry and pulling on the trainee grays. The breeches absolutely refused to stay up and it didn't help that she had to roll them up about ten times to get them to be the right length- and the tunic swamped her, but despite this she felt the previous owner must have been a _small_ ten year old. Finally she returned to her old clothing and pulled out a worn belt from the pile of dirty clothing and used _that_ to hold up her breeches. Shoes were still in short order, so she came out of the bathroom barefoot.

Christopher Alaska was already there waiting for her and she saw a grin flicker momentarily across his face at the sight of her and she glowered back at him. His hair, still damp, didn't stick up quite as much but looked unnaturally flat. Faolan wondered absently if it would pop back up on its own once it dried, like grass.

"Don't worry Faolan," Alaska said, turning to lead her down the hallway, "You'll get stuff that fits right soon- and some shoes."

"I hate shoes," Faolan muttered and to her surprise he laughed.

"Yeah," he chuckled, "Well my first class is History. If it gets too boring there's some extra birch bark for scrap notes and stuff that you can doodle on if you want."

"I'm sure I'll find ways to keep myself entertained," Faolan answered, taking a few running steps to keep up with the longer legged boy.

"You know what? I believe you," Alaska said with a smile and pushed open a door, revealing a small classroom with ten or so desks. Standing at the front was an old Herald, much too old to be going on circuit and looking at some maps he'd hung on the board.

"Herald Pasternack?" Christopher inquired and the man looked up, his eyes immediately alighting on Faolan, and a smile crept across his old features.

"And the oldest Herald meets the youngest," he said and stepped over to them to kneel down before Faolan and offer his hand. Faolan took it uneasily and shook it.

"She's been assigned to me for now, until things get worked out, so she's following me through all my classes," Alaska explained and Herald Pasternack nodded.

"As long as you don't interrupt the class," he said genially and Faolan nodded, "You may sit in an empty desk, or where ever you like."

Once more Faolan nodded and Alaska took a seat near the front. No one else had arrived yet, so Faolan sat down against the opposite wall under the window and only a desk away from Christopher. Peering up at the maps she realized they were sections of Valdemar, particularly the ones where Valdemar and Karse shared a border.

_They're so familiar_, Faolan thought and suddenly images flashed before her eyes.

"_Here, here and here," the Captain said, pointed decisively at a few key sections. The maps were old and quite used and extra writing was scribbled all over them. They stood in a tent, lit by oil lamps and rather dim. Around the table stood four other scouts, all looking worn and worried, and I felt the same. The war wasn't going well, but unlike others this wasn't one of large wars. Neither side had gained or lost much, but it was wearing down on both. Yet recently, things had been changing. Scouts sent out were not coming back, and those that were, weren't always alive. This was not a war of large battles, it was a guerrilla war, and the enemy was well practiced, and the territory was wild enough that even when on Valdemar ground it didn't give their side an advantage. _

"_There have been more or less continual raids around this pass, and that's where we're focusing our actions. It's our job to go in and find out what we're up against before calling in the soldiers," at this he paused and looked up. Standing in the corner was a man dressed in white, watching over their shoulders with keen green eyes that had aged greatly in the last year. _

_The Herald nodded and gave an encouraging smile and the Captain continued speaking, "Herald Lauren will continue to act as our messenger, relaying what we find to the main army, although with our numbers getting low…"_

"_I can do scout duty," the Herald said, his voice low and raspy, "I'm here to help, and if helping means cleaning latrines day and night I can do it."_

_I hid a smile- it was a long time since I'd had the chance to work with a Herald and they really were something. They seemed to have a well of energy to draw on that was inhuman, and one could always be counted on. However, I knew the Captain wouldn't misuse him, and the two often spent long hours alone, working out plans and discussing the enemy, but the Herald never tried to usurp the Captain's position, and stayed content to advise on the side. It made me wonder what it really took to be a Herald. _

"Oy," Alaska poked Faolan and she blinked, staring at him for a moment before realizing her memories had been appearing up once more. Because of the maps.

A few more students had meandered into the room and it was almost full. Shy, cautious glances were being shot in her direction and Faolan smiled carefully at those who's gazes she caught. But then the bell rang and the attention was focused upon the Herald up front.

"Although this is a History class," Herald Pasternack began, "It is important also to learn how to implement that knowledge of the past. So today, we discuss the present. As you know, we have been at war with Karse for six years. Most of you probably haven't seen too much evidence of that war yet, because as wars go I wouldn't call it large. But in some ways, the war is touching all of us. Roads are being left to become rutted and holed and overgrown. Trade is lessening, as the economy focuses on the war, and most of us know at least one person who is away at war. Today, we will discuss the battlefront."

Faolan listened, fascinated by what she was hearing. This was _exactly_ what she needed to know- what had happened since her last life! She must have died in the war, that was clear from the memories of her most recent life, but so far how she had died hadn't revealed itself to her and Faolan didn't really want to know, and that lack of interest was probably one of the things keeping it in the shadows.

"Does anyone know what kind of a war we are fighting?" the Herald inquired. A few hands cautiously raised into the air.

"A slow one?" a girl answered and Pasternack nodded and said, "Yes, but not what I'm looking for…"

_Guerrilla_, Faolan thought, thinking of her memory.

"Guerrilla?" a different boy volunteered.

Herald Pasternack grinned in delight and said, "Exactly. Yes. This is a guerilla war. This is because the enemy does not meet us in open battle, instead sticking to sabotage and small ambushes. If they attack in larger numbers it is at night. And because you can only fight a guerrilla enemy with similar tactics, thus are we fighting back. You will all undoubtedly take classes in this kind of warfare because the majority of you, and I hate to say this, will end up on the battlefront, leading and directing."

The class went on and Faolan was never bored, despite Christopher's warning. In fact, she was quite delighted with the way things turned out and she prayed that when things were sorted out she'd be allowed to take classes, if not ones this advanced at least ones where she was learning. She hoped Raul would enjoy the return to Haven as much as she was.


	10. Alaska's Gift

**A/N: Damn... I didn't save or anything so all the blab I put here got erased! Oh well. I think it was something on the lines of Hello Everyone! And then I made a stupid science joke which probably no one will get so I won't repeat it... And then I got to the thanks, but I pretty much just said thanks four times to everyone and made a comment about how if you want me to say stuff to you ask questions and stuff, ya know... stuff I can respond to... And then to kytana I said something about using classes for your own reasons... Or something. Well. In that case... since I don't have the list of reviews listed anymore, Thanks to Stormy Phoenix, mugglepirate, Glaciours, and kytana! And here's the next chapter!**

"Raul!" Faolan shouted, spying the filly immediately as she and Christopher entered the field.

Raul picked up her head and cantered over, coming to a slow halt to stop before the four year old, dipping her head down to gently nudge Faolan on the shoulder, her white mane hanging long about her neck. Nearby, a Companions stallion had come up to meet Christopher, and Faolan could feel both sets of eyes upon the two of them.

_:How have things gone, Faolan?_: the filly inquired, her blue eyes looking soft and curious.

"Great actually," Faolan grinned, speaking softly as she reached up to stroke the Companion, "I have a uniform too big for me and my own room- also too big for me, but I've been following Christopher Alaska, that's the boy I followed here, in his classes and they're _fascinating_. In my last life I was a scout, but I never got any higher education, and none of my memories have recent events. It doesn't sound like they're going to have me continue following him around though… You probably know more- what's the response?"

Raul tossed her tail and took on an agitated appearance as she answered, _:Not good. The first response was 'Are you INSANE?' I wish I could explain but Companions have a tendency to leak to their Heralds and this is really something private. I managed to convince everyone that I would speak only to the Groveborn, that's Rolan, the Companion of the Queen's Own. I told _him_ everything, about you being a werewolf and the emergence of past life memories. He stills doubts it was a good idea, especially because I'm young to be Choosing, but a Choice is a Choice and there isn't anything anyone can do about it.:_

Faolan had the distinct impression that Raul was smirking, but then the filly glanced over at Noland and Christopher Alaska and she snorted softly, continuing, _:They've been watching me all day. Have you been getting a lot of stares?_:

"Yes," Faolan nodded, "Everyone seems to think I'm some novelty or something but most people think I'm cute, I think, more than anything, and they seem more confused about why I was Chosen than anything. Christopher Alaska is cool, he's been taking it all in stride."

_:Well, they've come to the conclusion that you'll be trained, just like any trainee. I told Rolan you could read and write, so I suspect you'll be put in some basic classes. Do your best, the most they'll think is that you're a highly intelligent child, so don't hold yourself back. When the time comes to change, lock your door and try and keep quiet. The Queen and the Queen's Own know you're a werewolf, but the rest of the Heralds don't, nor do their Companions. It won't be so terrible if they found out about that but do _not_ let your past lives slip. Intelligence in scholarly areas is all right but you must take care Faolan. And Faolan, I mentioned this before, but, I think there is a reason this has all happened. That I've Chosen you young, that you remember your past lives. Let those memories come, don't hold them back in your mind. They may make a difference someday.:_

"Okay," Faolan nodded, picking at the grass with her bare toes, "Do you know when they'll figure out my schedule?"

_:Actually… they already have. You're something new Faolan and no one is putting you at the bottom of the list:_ Raul said and this time she was _definitely_ smirking, _:You're to rise at the same time as everyone else, eat breakfast, and come down here to the Field. Because I've Chosen you they've decided I'm going to have to deal with you. So most of the morning you get to hang out here with me, play with the Companion foals and etcetera… After lunch you'll meet in your room with whoever is free and _they_ will educate you in whatever they know. Like I said, it'll probably be basic math, reading, and writing until they realize you already know most of that. Your Gifts aren't strong yet so they're being left alone- in fact Rolan is surprised they've manifested themselves already, but traumatic experiences often awake them young, just not this young in most cases. No weapons practice scheduled, but we'll see if we can change that. I think no one really likes the idea of a small child with a sword, real or practice. How does that sound?_:

"Wonderful," Faolan said and then hugged Raul, "I can't imagine anything better. Can we go for a ride? Christopher's next class isn't for two bells."

_:Of course:_ Raul said with a bob of her head and lay down gracefully for Faolan to pull herself up onto the white back.

"Hey, uh Faolan?" Alaska shouted over as Raul pulled herself up and Faolan clung like a burr to Raul.

"Yeah?" she shouted back, peering at the boy and his Companion.

"Let's go ride together, okay?" he asked and Faolan nodded. Raul moved into a smooth trot and stopped beside the other two just as Alaska was pulling himself up onto the large stallion with surprising ease.

"This is Noland," Alaska said as he adjusted himself onto the stallion's back, "And Noland, that's Faolan. I assume you know Raul."

_:That's right we know each other:_ Raul said with an amused snort.

"Hi Noland," Faolan said, smiling a bit nervously at the big Companion.

The Companion snorted amiably and Christopher Alaska said, "He'd like to return the greeting."

The two white creatures moved on their own accord, setting off across the long lush grass, green despite the summer heat. Faolan's feet, still bare, brushed up against Raul's sides as they moved, and Fao could almost imagine that it was wild out here, that the Companion's Field wasn't in the middle of the city because here she could not hear the sounds of city life unless she listened closely. Only that noise of the crickets the wind and nearby shouts of people from the Collegiums.

"Noland actually wanted to speak to Raul, he just didn't have a good excuse," Alaska said with a wink to Fao, which she returned with an unsure smile, "But you're fun to talk to yourself."

"That's good," Faolan ventured slowly, glancing over at the other trainee through dangling threads of messy red hair, and then, on a spur, she asked, "Do you learn archery?"

"Yeah, actually," he nodded and then paused a moment before asking, "You interested in it?""I've learned a little of it already," the girl admitted, winding her fingers through Raul's mane and looking at the spot between the filly's ears and thinking of the mind just beneath it, wondering what her Companion was saying to Noland.

_:I have my reasons for Choosing her, just as you have yours for Choosing Alaska. What more can you need? The Groveborn accepts my Choice and that too should be enough for you…:_

Faolan blinked. The Mindspeech had been faint, as if it were far away and with a sinking, guilty sort of feeling Faolan realized she was probably not meant to hear it. Was her Gift becoming stronger? Did Gifts do that? Grow? How long did a Gift continue to grow? Were those old Heralds carrying around Gifts so powerful from years of use that they could read every mind in Haven if they wished?

Faolan gulped and glanced over at Alaska, suddenly blurting out, "Do you have any Gifts?"

"Funny you should ask," the boy said with a mysterious chuckle and Noland's ears momentarily flicked in their direction, "I have thought projecting. It's not the same ask thought sensing and Mindspeech. Thought sensing allows you to hear the thoughts of others and combined with thought projecting forms Mindspeech, which is exactly as it sounds- speaking mind to mind with something and if they also have Mindspeech they can speak back, but they don't need it to hear. Now, thought projecting by itself in general allows you to put your thoughts into the minds of others, allowing them to 'hear' you speak to them, in other words. Sometimes it manifests itself by first projecting dreams, but that's usually clamped down on quick because no one wants to experience someone else's dreams. Mine however… it's a bit different. Instead of forming words in others' minds or creating dreams I can create illusions. Not the sort that Mages did back in Vanyel's times, because these ones are only in one's Mind and can only be seen by those who are being projected at. It's hard to explain… Watch."

Faolan suddenly saw a bear standing in front of them, huge and brown and looking almost unreal in its cuteness. It stood up and sniffed the air for a moment before dropping to its feet and disappearing. And then, a creature appeared that was not one of reality, and only one of stories. A gryphon. Huge and golden with brilliant red eyes it spread giant wings and clacked a huge beak before bursting into a shower of red and gold sparks and the Companion's Field was totally normal once more.

"Neither Raul nor Noland saw that, nor did anyone else in the Field," Alaska explained, a smile hovering about his dreamy face as he turned back to face Faolan, "It was only in our minds. My imagination becomes reality if you believe in it. Illusions a normal person can walk up to, touch, and it will go away, or something like that. They are simply pictures set out for all to see. Mine are _thoughts_. Thus, if you walked over to that gryphon, you could touch it, because it is a thought, and thoughts do not restrain themselves simply to sight. Trained Heralds usually have sheilds up though, so _they_ only see my Illusions if they want to."

"That is amazing," Faolan whispered, staring at the untouched spot of grass where moments before she'd seen the mystical form of a Gryphon and then she turned her gaze back upon Christopher Alaska, "When did you first learn about your Gift?"

"A little after I was Chosen. A few weeks into classes here at the Collegium the things I started imagining became solid- in my eyes I mean, and then others started seeing them too. I'd be thinking about my father and then I'd see him as if he were there, and others would see him too. That's when I started getting training for it, and now my thoughts only project when I want them to."

"Do they… um, get stronger?" Faolan inquired carefully, playing with some of Raul's mane as her body relaxed into the Companion's movement. They were moving through some trees now and Fao's ears were picking up the sound of a river.

"At first, yeah," Alaska nodded and ran a hand down his Companion's neck, "Just as your bond with your Companion grows, but eventually they reach full capacity. Some people, like Vanyel in the tales, had their Gifts forced out all at once, and in that case they don't grow much but naturally they slowly come up on you and grow a little faster once you start training. You ever heard any Vanyel tales?"

"Yes," Faolan nodded, because even though she hadn't in this life she had before and she figured it was something she could allot to this life safely, "But I haven't read any of the in depth histories."

"Uh," the other trainee paused and glanced over at her, "Can you read? I mean, you seem a bit young to have had much schooling…"

_Damn_, Faolan cursed in her mind, thinking to herself with amusement that _that_ was something else she seemed a bit young to know and then she grinned at Alaska and replied, "I got a little before Raul appeared."

"I suspected so," he nodded, "You're a smart kid." He ran a hand through his hair and then added in a teasing voice, "No wonder you were Chosen so young, you're probably some sort of genius."

_Not quite_, Faolan thought with a sigh, feeling an odd twisting in her stomach as she wondered, _Why _was_ I Chosen so young? It wasn't just because I needed Raul to recover from being bitten because she was already nearby, already out to Choose when I met the werewolf. I suspect even _she_ doesn't know exactly why she Chose me…_

_:Actually, it was very strange, Faolan:_ Raul put in suddenly, making Faolan jump, _:I had the feeling that someone of Heraldic making was nearby, not in distance, but in time, and I needed to be there when they came. As you know, you weren't very close to Haven at all, but I made the distance in four days traveling by myself. And sure enough, although no one was nearby at first, on the night of the full moon you came along.:_

_:How did you know…?_: Faolan inquired.

_:And don't worry about the idea that if you hadn't been bitten you wouldn't have been Chosen, because I'm fairly sure you would have been Chosen normally around the usual age if nothing had happened and you'd become a normal Herald:_ Raul answered and Faolan nodded, satisfied and then she wondered, _:Am I not to become a normal Herald now?_:

_:Ah Faolan… Somehow I doubt it. Look at yourself and you'll see why:_ Raul said with an amused tone of voice for the last bit. She tossed her head to rearrange her mane and peered over at Noland with a snort.

"How well do you ride?" Alaska asked then, turning once more to peer at Fao.

"Uh," Faolan answered, realizing she wasn't entirely sure. She knew how to ride a horse from her past lives, but most of that didn't apply to Companions. She could stay on at most gaits, especially since a Companion's stride was so smooth, but she didn't have the muscles or the balance to do it herself.

"I'll take that as a no," Alaska said with a chuckle and patted Noland, "So we'll skip the log jumping for today. But a good run around the Field would be nice, wouldn't it?"

"Sure," Faolan said with a shrug and Raul step picked up along with her head and she flicked her ears back at Faolan before saying, _:Don't worry, I won't let you fall- gallop is just a fast canter…:_

"Okay," Faolan said and tightened her hands around Raul's mane as they came out from the trees- the river noises were fading so she figured they must have moved away from it and then Noland was bursting past the two of them, his mane and tail billowing behind him like flags and Alaska hunched over and appearing small and burr like compared to the big stallion. And then Raul picked up her feet and her muscles bunched beneath Faolan and they too were flying across the ground, the wind was blowing back Faolan's hair and Raul's feet beat out a hard but graceful rhythm on the ground.

And Faolan closed her eyes, feeling for once, and thinking, _:I'm free.:_

**A/N: Please review! You're done... just click review! Ask me questions, I will answer them, as noted above!**_  
_


	11. Trees and Suspicions

**A/N: Okie dokie! Here's the President's Day chapter! On sale now! (Lol just kidding.) Thanks to...  
Stormy Phoenix- Yeah, I try and put new stuff in every chapter... sort of.  
Glaciours- Don't worry, I won't give up. Even if I get stuck I'll force myself to keep writing- no more half finished stories for me!  
mugglepirate- All right! You will learn, don't worry. XD. Can't give you an estimation since I'm not there yet but you shall know!  
Mad-4-Manga- About the gryphon scene, that was meant to further establish the time frame. (It's before gryphons were found to NOT be fairy tale creatures.) Sorry if that confused you!  
**

And so Faolan once more slipped into a new schedule. It was a bit hard at first, transition from nocturnal to diurnal, but being young she quickly adjusted after several awkward nights sleep- of which was awkward also because she was not used to such a large, soft bed in a large, empty room. Several outfits of her size were made along with a pair of boots and softer shoes that were a size or two too big. She continued sitting with Christopher Alaska and his friends during meals and found she enjoyed listening to their conversation, even if her age prevented her from joining in. Raul, on the other hand, faced a less compromising Haven. The Companions, she said, were still suspicious of her actions and doubtful as well.

However, one thing _did_ interrupt the joyful monotony of the days. Alaska came up to her in the morning as she was leaving breakfast, looking, as usually, either sleepy or in a daydream.

"Hey Faolan," he said, staring at a point above her head, "The Queen wants an audience with you. Since I'm still sort of your designated trainee mentor I'm to bring you there."

"Why?" Faolan asked, quickly following him as he strode down the hallways and into a part of the Palace that was no longer Heraldic Collegium and of which Faolan had never been into.

"I don't have any idea," Alaska shrugged and then stopped before a door where a uniformed guard stood. He saw the two of them and gave them a brief nod before pulling open the door.

Apparently it was a _private_ audience because there was no one else in the room except for the Queen. Standing before a window that was partially cracked open and allowing a warm, flowery breeze to flow through was a lady dressed entirely in white. The door shut behind Faolan and she glanced backwards to realize she was entirely alone.

"Your Highness," Faolan said and gave a small curtsy before realizing a four year old child of farmers probably wouldn't know palace etiquette and hesitated, unsure of what to do. The Herald-Queen continued to gaze out the window for what seemed like a long time. When she turned around to face Faolan she saw that the woman was old, but proud, and Faolan immediately liked her. Streaks of gray ran through black hair and wrinkles formed at the corners of her eyes, and she looked like she'd been handling a lot of stress recently.

"I see your teachers have been showing you more than reading and writing," the Queen said, and her voice was a powerful one, one that would, and was, leading a country to war.

"Uh, yes," Faolan stuttered, before realizing the Queen was referencing her curtsy, "Your Highness."

The Queen moved over to Faolan with a swish of skirts and then kneeled down to look Faolan more directly in the eye. _I can't wait until I'm tall again_, Faolan thought, picking up her gaze to meet the Queen's deep brown eyes.

"I have been told by Aram, my Companion, that you are something he called a 'werewolf'," she said, her voice turning soft and kind.

"Uh, yes," Faolan nodded, her noble past life kicking her angrily at her stuttering, "If it weren't for Raul I would have died from the bite though."

_Where is Raul when I need her?_ Faolan wondered, recalling that her Companion had said that the Queen would need to be told about her relation to the moon, but she hadn't expected the Queen to actually _speak_ to her about it.

"Are you a danger in any way to people?" the Queen asked bluntly and Faolan wondered if that was _all_ she'd been told or if the Queen was just a naturally brusque sort of person.

"No," Faolan shook her head quickly, "Raul taught me to control the change before bringing me here. I'll be fine alone in my room. I, I can change on days that aren't the full moon of my own will, not that I'd want to, but I can."

"All right Faolan," the Queen nodded and her eyes scanned the girl's face for another long moment. Faolan got the deep impression of being intensely studied, and she knew the Queen was wondering, as was everyone, _including_ Faolan, why it had happened.

"All right," the Queen nodded again and then stood up, "I look forward to watching you become a Herald. Thank you for coming and good luck."

"Um, thank you, your Highness," Faolan said with a nod and then, with a glance upwards she turned and pushed open the door, startling Christopher Alaska who was apparently in mid conversation with the Guard at the door. Both looked sheepish as Faolan pushed the door closed again.

"Need help getting back?" Alaska asked and Faolan nodded with a smile. They walked back to the Heraldic Collegium in silence and from there went their separate ways, with Faolan heading down to the Companion's Field and Christopher off to his classes.

"Raul!" she shouted as she crawled under the fence, peering at the huge field and at the white shapes dotted here and there.

_:Right here, beloved:_ Raul said and Faolan whirled around to see the filly coming out of the Companion's Stable. Another Companion followed, this one older and peering at Faolan cautiously.

_:Faolan, this is my mother, Companion Dayvar:_ Raul said with a slight toss of her mane as she stepped up to Faolan, her hooves pressing lightly upon the grass.

"Hi," Faolan said, staring at Dayvar cautiously, wondering if Companion family bonds were like humans.

_:Come, let's find a more secluded place:_ Raul said and then, in a way that seemed far away, _:I'll speak to you later Mother.:_

"Okay," Faolan agreed out loud and Raul dropped to her knees, allowing Faolan to scramble up onto the filly's back, to the curious stares of the other nearby Companions.

_:What are you learning in your classes?_: Raul inquired as they disappeared into the brushier areas of the Companion's Field.

"Basics, it's not too interesting yet, although it's a good review after four years of dormancy," Fao answered with a grin, running her hand down the filly's white and silky mane.

_:Let's stop here:_ Raul said, coming to a halt in a small opening in the trees where it looked like lightning had downed a tree and grass was now growing. Faolan nodded and slipped off the filly's back, landing on the ground in boots a little too big.

_:Now:_ she began, looking up a the sky momentarily before focusing her gaze upon Faolan, _:We're going to do some exercises They won't have you do. Physical and mental ones. You are due to change in a few days, and you need to be prepared for your first change in a populated area. I won't have you change of your own free will, that's too risky. But to get you warmed up I want you to climb some trees.:_

Faolan grinned up at Raul and said, "You call that an exercise? I call that fun!"

_:I did that on purpose:_ Raul admitted sheepishly with a tilt of her head, _:I want you to enjoy the things we do. Heraldic training shouldn't be work.:_

"So far it isn't," Faolan said, looking at the trees around them for one with low branches she could start on, "They've had a different Herald each day with me, going over reading and writing. I told them I could read, but they don't believe I'm really doing it when I read a page of a full text in a minute, so they're keeping me on easy stuff and quizzing me. My hand writing is atrocious, which is weird since I can _remember_ being able to write neatly. So they're having me copy the stuff I read and things like that. I'll probably be doing math soon and they'll claim I'm guessing… Am I being too smart Raul?"

_:No, you are not:_ Raul shook her small head, _:You are doing fine. It sounds like they see you as an intelligent young lady, nothing special. You need to learn quick, but at the same time you can't reveal the origin of your knowledge. And Faolan- learning too quick can get you into trouble later, when you reach a subject you've never studied before. You need to move quickly but quietly through your training, not raising any questions. Be a shadow, be a wolf. And climb a tree:_

Faolan grinned at the Companion's last statement but then nodded solemnly to show she understood what Raul was saying. Then she turned around, her movements strange in strange clothing and ran over a pine- sticky, but with low branches. _I can always wash my hands_, Faolan figured, grabbing the lowest branch and climbing up onto it.

_FLASH!_

One more branch_, I thought desperately, stretching out my hand for the skinny, sticky branch high above my head, _Just one more and I'll be done! _And then I felt a vibration in the branch beneath my foot and a creaking sound filled my ears._

_SNAP! The branch beneath me cried out in pain and then I was falling, sharp needles brushing against my skin and branches whipping me. Somehow I'd ended up falling on the side that _didn't_ have any branches, and the ones that reached more grabbed and tore at my skin. _

Crap_, I recall thinking and then I hit the ground in a painful thump. The air rushed from my lungs and a pain filled my chest as I tried to breath and no air would come in. Fear grasped me and I pulled myself to my feet, staring wildly at my brother and his friends before air suddenly rushed in with painful slowness and I heaved in breath after breath, finally leaning against the pine for support._

"_What did I tell you?" Jonathan inquired, swaggering over to me, a smirk upon his pretty face._

"_I almost made it," I said defiantly, feeling embarrassed and angry at the same time._

"_But you didn't," he pointed out, his eyes flashing._

"_So? I fell, and you don't even ask if I'm all right! Some big brother YOU are!" I cried out and ran off, tripping over my skirts in my hurry to get away, back to the bakery and the sweet smell of bread where my mother rolled thick lumps of dough with arms like iron…_

"Uh, Raul?" Faolan asked, blinking her eyes and looking at her fist, white and tightened around a branch a little above her head.

_:Yes, my sweet?_: Raul asked, looking over at me- a figure of white amidst the green and brown.

"I was afraid of heights in a past life," she answered tensely from a few feet up in the tree. Her hands held tightly to the branches and she stared at the ground that wasn't beneath her feet.

_:So?_: Raul said and for a moment Faolan wanted to leap back down and lash at her. How could she be so uncaring? Wasn't she going to _help_ her? But then the rational parts of her surfaced and Faolan realized Raul _was_ helping and she took a deep breath, loosening her grip and relaxing in the tree. 'So?' was the perfect response.

_My past lives are not my life today_, Faolan thought to herself forcefully and looked up the tree, _And in this life, I'm not afraid of heights._

She shoved away her bread-maker self with a sort of 'piss off' attitude and reached for the next branch, closing her eyes against needles and smaller branches that scratched against her face as she pulled herself up. Her hand shook as she did so, and nausea almost swept over her, but not quite.

Quickly after that she sped up the tree, finding holds and lifting herself as if she'd done it a thousand times before, when in truth this was the first time she'd climbed a tree in this life. It was strange to think of it, but Faolan didn't dwell on it because to her, things she'd done in this life weren't really relevant in terms of firsts.

When she reached the top the branches were thin, and an adult wouldn't be able to perch up there for the weight would cause the top to bend too much. It was windy, so high, and the few branches she clung to waved back and forth. Far beneath her she could make out a bit of white that she knew had to be Raul, and around her other trees reached up to the sky. A sigh slipped from Faolan and she leaned against the miniscule trunk of the tree, closing her eyes as the fresh breeze played with her lengthening hair.

_:Faolan:_ the voice of her Companion inquired, touching her mind gently, like the breeze and the girl pried her eyes open, noticing a grin was plastered upon her face as she did so.

_:Yeah Raul?_: she asked back, looking down at the whiteness below her.

_:You at the top?_:

_:Yup.:_

_:Are you going to come down?_:

_:I don't really feel like it…:_ Fao said with a sheepish smile that Raul couldn't see but would probably sense.

_:It is not time to reminisce, Fao! I have things planned for you.:_

_:But this is supposed to be my free time…: _Faolan pointed out, her eyes catching the towers and tops of the Collegiums above the trees.

_:It is my time for you:_ Raul answered and Faolan bowed her head, agreeing, and she slipped down, half sliding in some points, dropping from branch to branch.

_:Wait:_ Raul said when Faolan was half way down.

The girl stopped and looked down, and now she could make out Raul's bright blue depth filled eyes and she raised an eyebrow quizzically, inquiring to the filly as to her request.

_:Look around at the trees around you. Do you think you can get into any of them from where you are?_: Raul inquired and Faolan shrugged to herself, but did as she was said and looked.

The other trees were pines, and their branches intertwined to an extent. She had _thought_ the request was an odd one, but as she looked she realized that it would not be _too_ difficult to walk out on a thicker branch, holding onto the ones around her, and then be in another tree…

_:Yeah I can do it:_ Faolan answered, looking back down at Raul.

_:Then do it:_ Raul answered.

_:Gee Raul- you make me do such hard things that are no fun at all…:_ Faolan teased and then, with a wicked grin on her face, she studied carefully the branches before choosing the ones that would suit her needs.

Slowly then, she moved over to them and grasping one above her head, she edged out on a branch. It bent under her weight, and suddenly the new branch she was aiming for was just out of reach of her toes. _Crap_, Faolan thought, and stopped, tightly clenching the higher branch in her hands and then she pulled her hands out as far as she could reach and using it like a swing she pushed off the branch and jumped, reaching out booted toes for that other branch. With a sudden rising of delight inside her, her feet touched and she let go of the branch above and now behind her, moving her hands to the branch above _this_ one- but they missed. And with an anger that boiled up in her at the student mistakes she'd made that made her fail- she fell.

_:Faolan: _a voice yelled what seemed like ages later and the girl pried open her eyes- momentarily confused. Wasn't she falling?- _Oh_, Faolan realized, sitting up to an aching body.

"Ow," she said, remembering now how she'd hit the ground and a warm nose touched her shoulder, nervously, anxiously.

_:Are you all right? I'm sorry- I shouldn't have asked you to try:_ Raul said, her mind voice hurried and worried.

"Damn!" Faolan suddenly said and leapt to her feet, turning at Raul, "I could have done it! I could have done it Raul! I'll do it this time, I will!"

_:No:_ Raul shook her head, _:Another time maybe. But I don't want you to get hurt.:_

"I won't get hurt!" she yelled and suddenly, to her horror, she saw tiny, prickly hairs rising from her arms and hands, dark and definitely not human. Her eyes widened and she looked up at Raul and then back down, shame filling her and her face reddened.

"Sorry," she whispered, feeling scared- did this mean she couldn't actually control the Change as thoroughly as she thought? Looking back at her arms she realized the hair was gone, and she was completely human.

_:Oh Faolan…:_ Raul whispered and pulled Faolan close to her body, wrapping her neck and head around Fao in a horsey embrace.

"Raul," Fao whispered back, her voice hoarse, "What's wrong with me?"

_:Nothing, my sweet. You're living in a new environment, encountering new things and many people- it's very different from living alone except for me, and we were living like that for almost a year. The stress and pressure from changing your lifestyle like that- and I doubt you're getting much sleep from switching out of nocturnal. A lessening of control was to be expected, that's why I wanted to do exercises with you.:_

"Oh," Faolan said, feeling a little better but no longer confident.

_:Now sit down and do some meditating:_ Raul said and Faolan dropped down to the needle littered ground by Raul's legs and closed her eyes.

As she sunk into trance she did not see the other pairs of blue eyes that appeared from around the trees, inquiring and suspicious. And she didn't hear the conversation that sped through the minds around her….

_:That is not a normal four year old…:_


	12. You Can Come To Me

**A/N: You know... on my computer, I have all the chapters saved as Werewolf1, Werewolf2... etc. And my upload document tags are always w10, w9, etc... Yet the story's real title is Herald In Black. Does anyone else do this? Give their stories sub-titles that only they use? Just a thought... And now, thanks to...  
SuzSeb- I'm glad you enjoy it!  
Kathleen G. McCrory- Thanks! Yeah, I drop the description some in the Collegia because I'm not entirely sure about the layout and what it looks like and it just takes too long to go look it up (although I do use my maps in the Valdemar Companion). It'll go up once she's outta there- but I'm not telling anything. La la la...  
Stormy Phoenix- Fun is right! Mwaha.  
Glaciours- That is definitely the most interesting review I've recieved in a while. My response: Um...?  
mugglepirate- Yeah, sometimes I start forgetting about flashbacks so I put some in and then I don't put some in... it gets kinda spastic. There is just so much I need to put in and keep hold of! huggles outlines  
Mad-4-Manga- Hey, that was a great review! (I had a dream where the pregnant girl from Lost had her baby. I'm watching the first season on DVD. My bf owns it so if anyone reading this knows what I'm talking about don't tell me anything that happens beyond Disc 5 of Season 1.)**

Faolan walked through a bustling hallway towards the spare classroom that she met privately with a tutor each day. Those around her seemed to not notice her, but Faolan could feel the eyes as she slipped through tall bodies that just seemed too big. _I don't feel like I'm the small one…_ Faolan mused, wishing she had something to fidget with as she pushed open the door to her classroom. For the past week she'd been meeting with a member of the clergy, an old priest that had long taught small children, however, he'd hinted she'd be taught by Heralds soon.

Sure enough, the person sitting in the room, on the window ledge, was wearing the Whites of a Herald. Long brown hair spilled over her back in a ponytail and an unseen face gazed out of the window over the courtyard that this particular window looked down upon. They were a single level up, and Faolan was sure the Herald could still see the trainees running around, trying to get to their classes on time.

"Hello?" she ventured cautiously, stepping in, her hands clasped behind her back.

"Hello Faolan," a familiar husky voice said and the Herald turned around, in the same movement straightening up and moving a lanky figure more towards the middle of the room.

"Rathmir!" Faolan exclaimed with delight, feeling excited as her blue eyes looked up at the other Herald. She wasn't to meet someone new!

"Yes," the older Herald nodded, her almost-teal eyes shadowed in the room, "I told you I was a teacher, didn't I?"

"You did," Faolan agreed, "What do you normally teach?"

"I teach Gifts," Rathmir said, but then at Faolan's expression she smiled gently and added, "But I'm to teach you whatever comes to my mind. The Dean gave me an overview of what you'd need to know before entering the normal classes but basically I have free rein to impress my will upon you. They chose me because I'm the only teacher here who has children- none of the others knew quite how to 'deal' with you, so they claimed. Of course, I tried to explain you don't need 'dealing' with, but whatever. I'll enjoy having you as my pupil. Any questions?"

"Will you be teaching me Gifts?" Faolan asked, feeling a sort of nervous excitement as she asked, and then, "Can I meet your kids?"

She wasn't sure why she asked, but when Rathmir had mention children she had suddenly felt an overwhelming desire to see someone who acted their own age. She knew she wasn't truly four and especially at times like this she felt an acute desire _not_ to have those memories and simply… be herself. Be four. Which, of course, was silly, because even that desire to be four wasn't part of a four year old.

"Yes to both those," Rathmir said with a laugh and then grabbed a chair and sat down on it, motioning to Faolan that she could do the same, "But neither today. First of all… your old teacher explains to me you are quite advanced in the areas of basic reading and math. I'd like to see this myself. There are several books on the shelf over there, behind me. Pick whichever you like, and copy the first few lines onto the board. You may stand on a chair if you wish."

Rathmir spoke quickly and easily, almost without breaks, as if she had planned everything out, and the thing Faolan found strangest was that she held no assumptions and treated Faolan the way she'd treat anyone else. Faolan decided she liked her, and she moved over to the bookshelf the woman spoke of, reading the titles until one caught her eye, Horses Through the Shin'a'in, and she pulled it out.

"You like horses?" Rathmir asked as Faolan carried it over to the chalkboard and rest it in the tray for chalk, flipping it open to the first page of text.

"I guess so," Faolan said, the question taking her slightly off guard as she fetched a chair and pulled it to the chalkboard. She had ridden them an awful lot in her past lives, and in her most recent one she recalled finding a quiet joy in training her horses- especially the gelding she used in scouting. Suddenly, she wondered what happened to him. It had only been about five years since her death- he _had_ to still be alive. But Fao had no way of finding him, nor anyone else she'd known, and, thinking about it more, she figured that was probably better.

"Can you ride?" Rathmir inquired as Faolan fished for a piece of chalk.

"Yeah," Faolan nodded, thinking of her long journey on Raul, but as she said it she realized no one had ever taught in this life, and she felt a leapt of fear inside her- what if someone caught that? Then she realized that no one was going to track down her parents and interrogate them about her life before being Chosen.

And Rathmir then fell silent because Fao had picked up a piece of chalk and climbed onto the chair and was copying the first sentence onto the board. Faolan felt grateful then- that the woman recognized that she couldn't answer questions and read and write at the same time. The chalk felt strange in her hand, and as she made a clumsy mark on the board with it, she realized that in all her recent lives, she had not often used chalk.

Ten minutes later Rathmir called for her to stop, and had her put away the book and wipe the words from the board. Faolan, who found herself quite interested in the book, was reluctant to be done with it, but she did as she was told and then turned to Rathmir for further instruction.

"You write well, for a student of your age," Rathmir acknowledged and Faolan winced inwardly, "But I suppose not every child is reluctant to learn. Now, get back up onto that chair and do these problems as best you can, and take your time…"

The hours sped by and Faolan would hardly have noticed if not for the hourly breaks they took, and then class time was over and Faolan found herself at the door to the classroom, her mind buzzing in a strangely nice way and Rathmir was standing beside her, hovering before the open door and the two of them watching the students wind through the hall.

"Rathmir," Faolan started, looking up but the Herald shook her head to silence her.

"How do you like having me as a teacher? Would you be interested in having me teach you until you are ready to enter classes with other trainees?"

"I would," Faolan said, leaping at the chance.

"All right then," Rathmir smiled and Faolan found herself smiling back, "It's settled. And Faolan?"

Faolan looked up once more- she'd been about to leave, "Yes?"

"If you ever need to talk to anyone who isn't a mystical _know_ _all_ horse shaped person, you can come to me, okay?"

"Okay," Faolan grinned up at the Herald and then left, making for the library, to which Christopher Alaska had introduced her to before she started taking classes and was still following him around. When he had done so, she wondered how much he suspected about her, because although he showed her where she could find books more suited to a younger child (and there weren't very many of them), he didn't restrain himself to just that, and told her where to find everything and how to find a certain book, almost as if he _expected_ her to want to read. And Faolan had found she did. In her past lives reading was one of those things you did if you wanted to learn something, not something that was fun or particularly interesting, and she wasn't even that good at it. But being young, and unable to communicate with the rest of the world her mental age, she found herself turning to books for that company, for that fascination one normally got from good intellectual conversation.

Pushing open the solid doors of the place, the smell of old books assaulted her nose and she breathed deeply, moving quickly into the large room and to the sections that fascinated her most- history, and not books recounting this or that about Valdemar's history, but the primary sources. _Here_ was the only place in all of Valdemar that she could find such wondrous accounts…

"Hey," a feminine voice said and Faolan looked up, pausing before entering an aisle of books. A trainee was sitting at a desk, a few books open. She had dirty blond hair and it was neatly tied back in a ponytail; her eyes were soft, and friendly.

"Hi," Faolan said uncomfortably, glancing back at the books that were calling to her.

"So you're Faolan, huh?"

"Yeah…" Faolan glanced around again- where was this leading? She was bored already.

"Want to study with me? I mean, I know all the stuff I'm doing wouldn't interest you, but if you're bored or something I'll hang out with you. Play games, you know, whatever…" the trainee's voice had a condescending tone to it- the kind that Faolan hadn't encountered much of in the people she often associated with, namely Rathmir and Alaska.

"Uh," Faolan said and suddenly a few gray blurs zipped into the room and flopped down in other chairs around the table.

"Aine… did you _hear_ what happened today?" one voice exclaimed, emerging from a wild haired and bright eyed girl.

"No, but uh"-

"It was hilarious!" another exclaimed, this one with hair of brown. Faolan had the impression she was presented before a bunch of squirrels- fierce ones, but squirrels nevertheless.

"Oh hey- it's Faolan," the third and last said, turning dark eyes onto Faolan. She had a slight accent of some sort, and her hair and skin were darker than usual.

Faolan smiled sort of nervously as three new sets of eyes focused on her and she felt like just walking away. These were the sorts of people that she really didn't want to have to deal with. _Why does everyone have to know my name?_ She wondered, thinking that _that_ was an aspect she hadn't quite expected when she thought of coming to the Collegium.

"Hi," she finally said, thinking sadly that those history books would have to wait to be read by her… She'd never get to them in privacy now.

"You're cute," the dark girl said, "I'm Maura."

"Do they really let you run around on your own all the time?" bright eyes inquired and then added with a smile, "That's a big responsibility- I bet you're proud, huh?"

Faolan was too disgusted to even answer and she gave them all a blank stare, as if to say, 'I don't know who you are, what you're doing, nor do I care.'

"Ever played chess?" the final girl asked, the one with brown hair and suddenly Faolan's interest was piqued, "I'm Dunne."

_Chess_, she thought, an involuntary passion rising in her from deep within her memories. Now _there_ was something she could enjoy! And before she realized it she was nodding.

"Interested in playing a game?" she asked- in a calm tone, unlike the way she'd previously screamed "hilarious!"

Faolan glanced back at the books and then sighed. It would be better than be trapped as these girl's play doll. "Sure," she said and the girl motioned to a chess table nearby, that Faolan had not noticed. Intrigued, she moved over and sat down at black, while the other girl took white.

"So what happened?" Aine asked, turning to the remaining two girls before her.

"Tobie almost burned down the shed they practice in!" the bright eyed girl exclaimed, "I was there- we have our Gift class together and you wouldn't _believe_ it! I was fine, but that's because I got out really quickly, what with my Fetching and all- you know its weird."

_This is an age of weird things_, Faolan thought to herself, glancing sideways, half interested in the conversation. She recalled Tobie quite well- he was the calmer, nicer one of Alaska's friends. So he could burn things? Was that a Gift? And what was Fetching?

"How did he burn it down?" Faolan asked of Dunne.

"Oh!" Dunne seemed to suddenly realize that Faolan was not aware of all these Heraldic things, "He's a Firestarter!"

"As in… he makes fires?" Faolan inquired, her eyes widening. She knew _she_ could hear thoughts and sometimes feelings, but… fire starting? As a _Gift_?

"Yup," Dunne's grin was wicked, "I have Farsight. It means I can see things that are far away."

"Cool," Faolan said, realizing she knew so little about Heralds. Seeing things that were far away. If she could do that- she could have seen the werewolf coming and escaped from it. Although, if what Raul said was true, her Gifts wouldn't have surfaced then so… nothing could have changed it.

"Do you have Gifts?" Dunne asked and suddenly Fao found four sets of eyes on her again. Why did they do that?

"I think so," Faolan said slowly. She hadn't spoken about Gifts to Rathmir, or gotten any training except what Raul had taught her, and so she wasn't sure she should go blabbing on about what she could do before talking about it with anyone else.

"Can you speak to your Companion?" Maura asked and Faolan moved her blue eyes upon the darker girl and nodded.

"Mindspeech then," Aine announced, leaning back and then added, "Continue your game and let's continue our discussion of Tobie."

Something in the way Aine said 'Tobie' rang a bell in Fao's mind and she frowned, feeling sort of hot and cold all of a sudden. They sounded like wolverines now, plotting over a prey, or something… It was disturbing, and she realized she had never understood _that_ sort of talk from an outsiders point of view, because the only time she'd been interested in it was when, well, she was interested in it. And she wasn't now, not yet anyway.

_Odd_, Faolan thought, _I'll be able to see puberty approaching and know what it is... And now that I don't really think about things like that, it's kind of scary._

"Right- so you know all the pieces?" Dunne asked and Faolan looked up, shaken from her thoughts as Dunne added, "You sure are quiet."

"I haven't felt the need to say anything," Faolan explained, then paused, wondering if she was being a freaky intelligent mature child again. So, fidgeting in her seat, she reached up and plucked the black king from the board- Dunne had been pulling pieces from a drawer under the table, and she ran her fingers over the roughly hewn stone.

"That makes sense," Dunne said with a smile, pushing pieces into places.

"And I know the pieces," Fao added herself, putting the King down, "That's a King."

"Right," Dunne grinned encouragingly, "How much do you play?"

"Not much," Faolan shook her head, figuring a four year old probably wouldn't normally _enjoy_ chess, "It gets boring a lot."

"Yeah… I can see where you're coming from. It's a long, thoughtful game," Dunne nodded, "I'll make quick moves for you, okay?"

"Okay," Faolan agreed and sat up on her knees to get a better view of the board- sometimes being short had disadvantages.

And then the game began. It was a long game, despite Dunne being good, because Faolan kept forgetting that she was four and made a few intelligent moves. Luckily Dunne figured she was just doing that by luck and figuring out the game. By the time it was over Dunne had won, (Faolan would have gotten unneeded attention if she had won herself), and the other three trainees were falling asleep over their books, even though it wasn't that late.

"Let's go for a _walk_," Aine sighed, slamming shut a book and making Fao jump. She had started daydreaming while Dunne put back the pieces.

"Okay," Maura agreed.

"Wanna come?" Bright Eyes asked Faolan and she shrugged, not really caring.

"All right, then let's go!" Aine shouted, leaping to her feet. A few people scattered around nearby looked over and silence seemed to penetrate the area as Aine turned bright red. Faolan grinned and then shoved her fist into her mouth to stop from giggling.

"Taste good?" a voice breathed down her back and Faolan jumped, nearly falling off her chair as she whirled around to see Dunne standing behind her, her long hair falling around her face and shoulders in a way Faolan had never managed in _any_ life. Certainly not in this one- her hair never got long enough.

"Not really," Faolan admitted, running a hand through her tangly hair and deciding she should really brush it more often.

The other girls stood up and Dunne offered a hand as Faolan slid off of her chair and after a moment's hesitation, she took it. The older trainee's hand was large and warm and Faolan felt a strange sort of happiness wind through her body and she grinned up at Dunne.

Aine, Bright Eyes, and Maura wandered ahead, and Faolan found herself walking only with Dunne. They quickly emerged outside, where the day was already turning into night, and a warm summer breeze wound through the cooling air. Faolan breathed in a deep breath, realizing she missed the closeness to the outdoors that she had when spending time with Raul in that Waystation.

"I want to be a circuit Herald," Faolan said out loud, although to herself, not realizing that Dunne would hear.

"Really?" she asked, looking down at her smaller companion.

"Uh," Faolan looked up, glancing at those they followed as they wound over cobblestones towards the Gardens, "Yeah."

"Personally…" Dunne said slowly, looking up at the purple sky that was beginning to dot itself with stars, "I'm not really sure what I _want_ to do. I'll do whatever the Crown needs me for… you know?"

And then Dunne laughed, as if at herself, for asking a four year old such a philosophical question. Faolan sighed- she would have loved to answer it, but she had a feeling she wasn't acting very childish. _Funny_, she thought to herself, _Most people don't _want_ to act childish_.

"We going to the gardens?" she decided to inquire instead and Dunne nodded.

"It's a hangout that we like," she said and Faolan on shrugged. What else could she do?

They got to the Gardens, where the four girls sat down and Faolan was dragged up onto Dunne's lap. She didn't really mind- she liked sitting on people's laps, and people seemed to enjoy having small kids sitting on their laps so it was a win-win situation. Aine and Bright Eyes talked about stars and Maura was silent- as was Dunne. And thus the evening slipped by…


	13. Wolfish Demeanor

**A/N: Ayo all! Been having nice weeks? Mine's been okay. La la la... Vampires are cool... I hope this chapter is more interesting than the last! Thanks to...  
Stormy Phoenix**-** It does? That's good to hear!  
for reviewing the last chapter!  
**

Before anyone realized it, Faolan had fallen asleep. Leaning up against Dunne and watching the stars come out was just too relaxing, and her eyes began to droop, and she was asleep. When she woke she was being carried, cradled in a pair of strong arms like a newborn babe. It was pitch black out, and Faolan could tell they were still outside, by the freshness of the air.

"Where are we?" she whispered, and Dunne's strong face peered down at her.

"Going to dinner," she said, "We were going to drop you off in your room… but now that you're awake, do you want some food too?"

"Yeah," Faolan nodded sleepily, reaching up a hand to rub an eye, "Dinner sounds good."

"She's awake?" Aine whispered and Dunne nodded as Faolan found her eyes slipping shut again- but she wasn't falling asleep again.

"She's so cute!" Bright Eyes whispered and Faolan wasn't sure whether she should be amused or pleased at that comment.

Suddenly they went through a pair of doors and noise assaulted Faolan's ears. She opened her eyes and with a glance up at Dunne was set down on shaky legs to peer around at the great hall where a myriad of Heralds and trainees were all gobbling down dinner. And it smelled excellent.

"I'm drooling a waterfall," Faolan commented softly, rubbing her eyes again and peering around, feeling still partially asleep.

"Me too," Dunne agreed, then asked, "You seen many waterfalls?"

_Many_, Faolan thought but said, "Yeah. They're cool."

_I'm making metaphors- do four year olds make metaphors in their speech?_ Faolan wondered as Dunne led them to an empty table. As they moved she saw Christopher Alaska a few tables away and momentarily caught his eyes. She gave him a grin and he waved before turning back to what seemed like a passionate conversation with Ranae. Feeling a twinge of loneliness she sat with the girls, sort of wishing they could have sat closer to Alaska's table. One of the trainees on kitchen duty brought over a fresh selection of the night's meal.

"Yes salmon! I love salmon!" Bright Eyes exclaimed. _What IS her name anyway?_ Faolan wondered, feeling as delighted as the unnamed girl about fish.

_Have I always liked fish so much?_ she wondered, feeling like just _leaping _on it and sinking her teeth into that soft orange meat… _No, _Faolan decided a moment later, _I didn't always like fish_.

Once dinner was over Faolan felt wide awake once more- she suspected it had to do with the close proximity of the moon, but she no longer felt anywhere near sleeping. As Dunne and Aine and the others stood up, also finished, Faolan found herself following them. Dunne took her hand again and Faolan wandered away with them, feeling a contented sort of awareness, not really caring where exactly it was they were going.

It turned out to be Bright Eye's room. And her name was Danielle, or so claimed the name plate upon the door that they slipped through. It was dark in the room, but Danielle moved quickly through the room, lighting a few oil lamps and pulling a book from a shelf above her desk.

_This is cozy_, Faolan thought, looking at the old and ornate rug beneath her feet and the murals done directly onto the wall. She wondered who did them- was it Danielle herself or someone else?

"Come on Fao," Dunne said, picking Faolan up onto the bed, where everyone else was crowding.

_Story time?_ she wondered as Danielle flipped through the book and then started speaking. Fao settled herself cross-legged and leaned her chin on her hands.

"_Gwyn crept through the forest, her sword held out and ready. The night was silent, but the enemy was quick as a sparrow and could be behind any tree, or any boulder… Rymbn was miles away now, and everything was left to Gwyn. There was no one left to help her…_ Hey you guys sure this is stuff we should be reading to Faolan?" Danielle stopped and Faolan looked up, feeling momentarily pissed- of course she could hear stuff like that- hell she'd _lived_ through stuff like that! Suddenly the words clicked. Gwyn? Rymbn? Her eyes slowly widened and she reached out a hand.

"Can I see this real quick?" she asked and Danielle handed her the book. Aware that four sets of eyes were on her Faolan put her thumb in their spot and looked at the cover.

_The Tale of a Lost Soldier_, it read, _By Ryan Night_.

_No way_, Faolan thought, remembering the man in her memories that had once read her a story about werewolves. He had been a writer- it was his wife that ran the bakery Faolan's previous life had inherited and run. Thinking back, Faolan realized that life had probably been a hundred years ago or so, which would make this by now a relatively old tale. She smirked, wondering if 'Ryan Night' (which was his penname), would have expected that any of his books would reach Haven.

_This is so weird_, Faolan thought, handing the book back to Danielle and saying, "I'm not scared."

_I suppose it had to start eventually. My past lives weren't these vague dreams, they actually happened so it makes sense that I'd encounter evidence of them, but I never expected something like this!_ With a sigh and shake of her head she turned her ears back to Danielle, who had started reading the familiar tale once more.

As the tale stretched on and the lamps burned on Faolan suddenly realized that Dunne had began running her fingers through Faolan's tangly and totally unstyled hair. Looking up she met a pair of calm brown eyes. Dunne gave her a small smile and then leaned down to whisper in her ear, "Your hair is a mess."

"I know," Faolan grinned back.

"Hey, you want the story or not?" Danielle demanded and they both quickly turned back to look at the storyteller.

"We should just dress up Faolan," Dunne said, a hint of joking in her voice, "Instead."

"Okay," Faolan said.

At this and Fao's response Aine shrugged and Danielle put the book away. Maura, ever calm, just nodded, and then said, "These uniforms are fairly androgynous and I bet Fao doesn't have anything nice, right?"

Faolan nodded, feeling a bit embarrassed. She didn't feel any desire to _get_ something 'nice' but she wouldn't mind having something 'nice' either. Of course, she wasn't sure the pocket money that the trainees received was enough to buy a dress- was that what they had in mind?

"We can do her hair… but none of our stuff would fit her," Aine pointed out and Faolan found herself turning redder. Were they going to play dress up with her?

"What about Herald Rathmir? Her kids are a little older than Faolan, I bet she has some old stuff of theirs…" Danielle pointed out.

"I'll ask her about it," Dunne put in, "Why not we just do her hair for tonight? It's getting late- we don't have time to fully deck her out anyway."

"Sure," Aine nodded and suddenly Faolan had the feeling that she was a mouse beneath several hungry hawks.

"Uh," she said as Danielle leapt up to get a brush and Aine disappeared out the door to get ribbons, _Do I want to be their doll?_ At that question Faolan realized that, yes, she did want to be their doll. With a sheepish smile she looked up at Dunne, thinking that although mud and dirt was all fun, she wouldn't mind having some girly fun too…

And a candlemark later, Faolan found herself a new person. On the top anyway. She still had on the too baggy trainee grays, but her hair… It was a totally different story. All the tangles had been brushed out in a way that Faolan had never managed and one single blue ribbon had tied up part of her hair, pulling it from her face. After exclamations of cuteness Dunne escorted her back to her room and Faolan's longest day came to a close…

_For once, I feel like a girl,_ Faolan thought wryly as she fell asleep, the rays of the moon shining in through her window.

Two nights later Faolan found herself changing into a werewolf for the first time in an inhabited area. Raul moved close by, in fact, she stood just outside the window, where the moon that would change Faolan would turn her hide as white as snow. Faolan went to bed early, claiming sleepiness to the two groups of people that vied for her attention- Dunne's and Alaska's. She had been distracted all day, and now that night was coming on, her wolf self was itching to be out, and although the moon wasn't up yet, it was all Faolan could do to stop herself from changing as she fumbled with the lock on her door, her fingers made clumsy from need and fear.

_:Raul:_ she said desperately as the lock finally clicked shut and she stumbled over to flop on her bed, and then, after a moment's thought, she pulled off her shirt and shoes- the two things that might not fit once she turned wolfish.

_:I'm here, Chosen:_ Raul whispered back and Fao looked over at her window to see two shining blue orbs peering back in at her, and relieved, she sank back onto her covers.

_:Hold it back as long as you can, sweet: _Raul advised to the shaking child on the bed, _:I know its hard but the harder you try the better you will get at controlling it.:_

_:I know:_ Faolan answered, clenching her hands into fists.

And then her eyes slipped open, but they were unseeing, and a thick layer of gray, brown, and red fur slipped up from Faolan's skin, turning her into a strange humanoid looking creature. Her nose stretched out and reshaped, as did her legs and then body. A tail pushed out from her backbone, curling up uncomfortably in Faolan's pants, but soon her smaller size made those loose.

_:I'm back:_ Faolan growled a moment later, shaking off the last vestiges of the pain of the change, rolling over and pulling herself up onto her paws, her keen eyes that were not quite blue anymore taking in the room, _:So THIS is what the Herald's Collegium looks like through a wolf's eyes:_

_:Don't:_ Raul warned and Fao wasn't sure if she was warning her not to lose control or not to go explore the Collegium.

_:I look like a puppy:_ Fao growled in Raul's direction, pacing over the bed and marveling at the way her paws sunk down- it was so soft!

_:Its not worth the risk:_ Raul said and Fao hopped down off the bed and then- using her chair, she hopped up onto the windowsill and pressed her nose against the rough glass, meeting Raul's gaze harshly.

_:That is _your_ opinion, horse:_ Fao snapped and then leapt away from the window, landing in a sprawl on the floor as there was the thud of hooves hitting the wall outside.

_:Heh heh:_ she giggled, enjoying acting big and bad- although both her wolf self and her human self knew that she wasn't going to do anything.

_I might as well sleep…_ she said, feeling a bit regretting. Wolf was such a fun form, yet because of Raul's Choice, the only thing she could do was curl up like a good puppy on her bed and sleep the night away. When she woke- it would be to change back. Feeling said, she picked herself up off the slippery wooden floor, ignoring the slight gouges her claws were making, and she leapt up onto the bed, immediately curling up, tail to nose and falling into an uneasy and dreamless sleep.


	14. The Dream

**A/N: Sorry about the longer wait- I've had a busy week! I own nothing except Faolan without her Gifts and other such non-Mercedes Lackey characters except the Companions. Hugs and since this month includes St. Patrick's Day, also lucky clovers to those who reviewed the last chapter! They are...  
_Glaciours and Stormy Phoenix_**

Classes with Rathmir went on, and Faolan found herself enjoying the second half of her day to a great extent. Rathmir taught her the normal things, like having her read and do sums and review the things that had grown rusty in a Scout's life, but she was also learning in depth geography, all the sort of things she had _known_ as Carry Rolf but never been able to put a name too, and History, especially the History of Heralds, and every once and a while something really weird came up, like Anatomy- which Rathmir said they'd go into greater depth farther on in her education.

And so the weeks slipped by and turned to months. Her memories came up sporadically, when something inspired them- the flashes that is. As for the rest she had a general idea of events, the same way normal memories are. Until one night a certain memory came up that _wasn't_ one of a past life…

"_FAOLAN!" a deep and angry voice shouted and I scooted farther back in the closet, hoping he wouldn't find me. _

"_Anne, where is your daughter?" the voice asked in a drawling, sarcastic tone._

_A whimpering woman's voice answered, "Please…"_

"_Isn't that your JOB, woman? To raise kids?"_

"_She… I… Please John…" _

"_Damn! I live in a house of idiots!" the voice raged and there was the sound of something breaking. It sounded like wood. _

"_FAOLAN! You little rat! Stop hiding! I've got a chore for you- and this one I think you'll like…"_

I won't like it_, I knew and I tried to press myself up against the back of the closet even more, holding in a whimper, _Last 'chore' I'd like when he was like that took me all day without meals…

_Suddenly there was a scream and I jumped, swallowing hard and closing my eyes. There was another scream and the sound of furniture falling, and a thud._

"_Please John! I'll find"- _

"_Shut up," I whispered, my eyes squeezed shut. _

"_No! Please I can find her! Just don't"-_

"_Shut up shut up," I hissed through clenched teeth._

_There was another scream, this one long and drawn out. But no one would hear it. Not out here, away from everyone else. _If only we lived in town Papa wouldn't be able to…_ I thought miserably. _

"_Shut up!" I said loudly as the screaming continued and then I couldn't take it anymore and I jumped up, pushing open the closet door and running down the stairs to find my father standing over my mother, his hand made into a fist. _She_ was laying against the wall, have slid down into a sitting position, blood running from her lip and her face all red._

"_STOP!" I screamed at the two of them, "PLEASE JUST STOP!"_

"_Ah…" _he_ said, his dark eyes glinting, "You finally decided to show your face, Faolan."_

_I didn't say anything, just glared at him in silence. Anything I said would just make him madder. Like a bull. He once said bulls hated red, and would charge at anything red and that in some places they killed bulls for sport after making them charge all over an arena. Papa was like a bull when he was mad; he saw everything red. Sometimes I wished someone would kill _him.

"_Come down here, Faolan. I won't hurt you, I promise," he said, but a smile was on his face and I knew he was lying so I shook my head no._

"_GET DOWN HERE FAOLAN!"_

_I got down there. Standing before him, I ignored Mama and kept my eyes on my toes that were sticking out of my boots. My socks almost had holes in the toes again._

_There was a sliding sound and I heard the snap of a belt. _Uh-oh_, I thought, closing my eyes as I heard the sound of leather swishing through the air…_

"NOOOOOOOOOOO!" Faolan was screaming as she jerked awake and the scream was cut off with a short hiccup.

There was a bang and her door flew open. In a sudden, unreasonable fear, Faolan leapt off the bed on the side furthest from the door and in a quick movement slid under, the sharp sting of the belt on her sides, back, and face still haunting her skin.

"Faolan?" a soft voice asked and for a moment Faolan, expecting it to be her Father so badly, almost didn't recognize it.

"Rathmir?" she ventured cautiously.

There was a sudden loud thud against the window and Faolan closed her eyes- but then a voice emerged in her head, _:Faolan:_

"It's me Faolan," the person in the bedroom said and Faolan, opening her eyes, saw Rathmir's face, her long hair untied and falling around her face, peering under the bed at her.

_:Raul?_: Faolan asked inside her head, venturing a mind thought towards the thing outside her window.

_:I'm here Fao:_ the voice said, wrapping warm mindvoice arms around her and she breathed a sigh of relief.

"It was just a bad dream," she said, rolling onto her back and staring up at her mattress above her.

"Come here Fao," Rathmir said and Fao glanced over at her.

_:Go to her Fao:_ Raul ordered and surprised, Fao's eyes flickered in the direction of the window.

_:Why?_:she asked.

_:Just do it:_ Raul ordered.

With a nod she knew Raul couldn't see but would sense, Fao pulled herself out from under the bed, feeling embarrassed as she did so, and then moved around to where Rathmir was sitting on the floor.

"Hi," she said, feeling awkward and uncomfortable and just like going back to bed. But suddenly the idea of being all alone in her bed with such dreams wandering around her head didn't seem so appealing.

"Hi Faolan," Rathmir said. She was wearing a nightgown, its color undistinguishable in the darkness and her hair looking strange- Fao had never seen it dry _and_ down.

"I'm okay," Faolan said, leaning up against her bed and running a hand through her hair that was no longer tangly since the gift of a good hairbrush from Dunne.

"Come here," Rathmir said, holding out her arms and after a moment's hesitation (_I'm too old for this…_), she moved over with small steps, sitting down into the woman's lap and resting her head up against her chest.

Strong, warm arms wrapped around Faolan in a way that Raul had never been able to and suddenly a lump was in Faolan's throat and her eyes were wet. _I'm not going to cry_, she thought, _NOT going to cry. I may look four but I'm not and I've got to control myself…_

It didn't work and Faolan found herself sobbing into Rathmir's nightgown despite her embarrassment. The older Herald's arms simply enclosed her and Rathmir's warm breath stirred up against Fao's hair.

"Sorry," Faolan whispered what seemed like candlemarks later and her eyes had dried.

"Good heavens Fao!" Rathmir whispered into her ear, "There is _no need_ to be sorry!"

Faolan looked up, feeling too small and, at the same time, hundreds of years old and only four years old. The expression on Rathmir's face was nothing but love. And Faolan found herself smiling and then she closed her eyes and leaned back up against Rathmir, despite the many adult selves inside her screaming, "Ack! No!" in horrified embarrassment.

"Now, do you want to tell me what your bad dream was about?" Rathmir whispered softly and Faolan shook her head.

"It isn't important," she said, "Just a memory. A bad memory, but just a memory. It doesn't bother me."

"If it doesn't than why are you here crying in my arms after screaming loud enough to wake the entire Palace if they could hear?"

"Uh," Faolan said, looking back up, her cheeks flushing red, (although Rathmir couldn't see), and then she asked, "Uh- I was screaming out loud?"

"No actually…" Rathmir said and Fao heard a chuckle and imagined the smile that would be playing about the Herald's lips, "You were screaming mentally. But not powerfully enough to reach farther than the Heraldic Collegium and anyone who could hear that, is shielded right now."

"Then how did you hear it?" Faolan asked, thinking of Raul- Raul would hear anything, but Rathmir?

"I've been keeping a mental eye on you," Rathmir admitted unabashedly, "I knew your Gifts were surfacing… you'd start Projecting sooner or later."

"Did you see…?" Faolan asked in horror, her fingers tightening on Rathmir's sleeve.

"No," Rathmir shook her head, "I didn't. If it was just a memory what makes it so horrible that I couldn't see?"

"Uh," Faolan flustered, "It's just… not something I'd want you to see… Or anyone…"

_:Faolan are you _ashamed_ of your family?_:Raul suddenly poked in, making Faolan momentarily jump, _:To admit that your Father was abusive?_:

_:Well when you put it so bluntly… did you see?_: Faolan didn't feel bad about Raul seeing- she'd already told Raul about her life before the Wolf, but somehow the idea of anyone else knowing… It seemed more embarrassing than scary because everyone would want to comfort her, they'd pity her. She'd seen enough in her lives to know how people reacted to abused children. And she didn't need that. In truth, Faolan didn't feel like an 'abused child' because her experience allowed her to see past what had happened to her…

_:Any experience is still an experience:_ Raul put in, nudging Faolan's mind, _:It is like any memory from your past life that you wouldn't care to remember, except for one thing Faolan. It happened to _Faolan_. Not Carry Rolf. Not the Baker. Not the Noble, not the Village Healer. Those lives, with the possible exception of Carry, are settled in your soul. This one is _not_. Now you tell Rathmir all about your dream or I'll come in through the window and tell her myself:_

_:Raul!_:Faolan objected, but then she settled down, thinking over what the filly had been saying, and realizing, as the Companion had spoke, what made the difference between Raul and Rathmir. Raul's voice, as it always had been, rung in Faolan's mind like an older sister, a guide, a loved one, and a friend.

_:You mean...:_ Faolan started to Raul, _:That I probably am _not_ 'over' it, as I so neatly said before?_:

_:I suppose denial is something experience can't help you get over:_ Raul said lightly and Faolan felt like a cold rock had sunk in her stomach.

_:Denial:_ Faolan mused, feeling even worse than she had after she had first been bitten and then changed, _:No… not me. That's just…embarrassing.:_

There was a short laugh from Raul and then Faolan, to her horror, felt the Companion moving away, and her 'sense' of where Raul was, was diminishing.

_:Don't go Raul!_: Faolan said and her head whirled towards the window, but all she could see from her vantage point was stars.

_:I'm still here Fao. I'm always here:_ Raul said and Faolan breathed a sigh of relief. Of course. Raul was always there and when Raul pointed it out Faolan realized that there was a part of her mind and heart that said Raul, and she could always, had always, been able to reach it.

"Rathmir?" Fao looked up and the older woman looked down, (_Did she know I was speaking to my Companion? Can you tell?_).

"Yes, Faolan?" the Herald asked, her arms still strong and comforting around her.

"I'm scared," Faolan admitted, looking more and more like the four year old that part of her still was.

_I want to love you, I want you to love me, but I'm afraid. From some deep, ancient part of me, that scares me. _Rathmir stayed silent, only holding Faolan's gaze and Faolan had the feeling that she was taking someone's hand, taking their hand to never let it go, and so she spoke.

"I dreamed about my father," she said, reaching up to touch a cheek that was still damp and then to wipe the crud from her eyes…


	15. Childlike Demeanor

**A/N: Heya all! Anybody else get to enjoy that 80 degree weather last Monday? Thanks to...  
Stormy Phoenix, mugglepirate, Mad-4-Manga, and Glaciours for reviewing the last chapter!  
**

When Faolan woke, she found herself not alone, as usual mornings went. Curled up beside her under the sheets was Rathmir, still asleep. _Odd_, Faolan found herself thinking as she sat up and blinked her eyes in the streaming sunlight, _To see someone so strong look so fragile. Does everyone look that way asleep?_ Then, _She doesn't know the real me. I've told her so much, but at the same time so little. I never knew keeping secrets could be so… painful._

_:Raul:_ Faolan prodded, reaching out to the part of herself that was out in the Companion's Field.

_:Yes, love?_: the familiar voice asked.

_:Can I tell just one person?_:

There was a long pause before the Companion answered, and her voice was heavy when she spoke, _:No Faolan. You cannot. But… I don't think it will harm anyone to let her draw her own conclusions. Do you see what I mean?_:

Faolan grinned, having the feeling that Raul was bending some rule or other, and then, feeling mischievous under the guise of a four year old, she stood up and started jumping up and down on the bed, hopping over Rathmir's legs and reveling in the sunlight that pressed up against her body through the window.

"Ugh," came a moan from beneath Fao and she looked down to see Rathmir waking up slowly and looking annoyed in an amused sort of way, "Nice way to wake someone up Faolan."

"Your welcome!" Faolan giggled, landing in a sitting position and peering down at Rathmir with a grin.

"You know, you're so quiet when I'm teaching you one would never guess there really IS a hyper child inside of you," Rathmir commented, running a hand through her untied hair.

"There's a child in everyone," Faolan said quietly, in a serious tone, "I just have the luck to be able to express it."

"When you say things like that sometimes I wonder if you're just quoting a book, or you actually thought that on your own," Rathmir said softly, looking outside at the rising sun.

Faolan paused a moment and tried to look at it from Rathmir's point of view, and when she did, her good mood caused her to burst into a fit of laughter. Rolling on the bed, her eyes wet, she finally looked over at Rathmir and said, "I see your point!"

"Breakfast?" the Herald inquired and Faolan nodded, leaping off the bed and running over to her dresser, yanking out a set of trainee grays that actually fit her (the baggy ones had been gotten rid of once a few sets had been made by the seamstress). With the one four year old habit that had stayed with her, she unashamedly stripped her pajamas and jumped into her grays and stepped into her shoes.

"Let's go!" she said, turning around to see Rathmir sitting on the edge of the bed, her long nightgown hanging around her ankles. It, Faolan was curious to note, was purple, a fact she had been unable to differentiate in the night.

"We'll have to stop at my room so I can change," Rathmir pointed out and Faolan nodded.

When they slipped out into the hallway a few other trainees were wandering down, but it was late- most of them would already be in classes. Rathmir's room was farther away, and when they stepped inside Faolan realized it was a lot bigger, which made sense, because unlike most of the Heralds, Rathmir was living at the Collegium.

While Rathmir changed, Faolan looked out her window at the Companion's Field stretching out for acres. White shapes dotted it like exotic flowers and Faolan imagined she could see Raul- slightly smaller than all the rest and with a delicate beauty…

"Fao?"

She turned around and found Rathmir neatly dressed in Heraldic whites. Her hair was no longer loose; in a few short minutes the Herald had managed to get it back into a braid, giving her usual sharp appearance. _That was quick_, Faolan mused, and they headed down to the Great Hall for breakfast.

After a silent half hour of eggs and toast Rathmir left- presumably to teach classes, and Faolan wandered down to the Field that Rathmir had such a pretty view of from her bedroom window. Raul met her near the Stable and led her inside the large structure for a good brushing, of which part of it Raul had to lay down for so Faolan could reach every white hair that sprung from the Companion.

"I think Rathmir suspects something," Faolan admitted while Raul crunched on some hay.

_:Well there isn't anything she can do about those suspicions. Her Companion could ask Rolan, but the Groveborn isn't telling:_ Raul said calmly.

Faolan leaned down to brush one of Raul's fetlocks, when she felt the filly tense up. Fao spun around, and her eyes alighted upon a large Companion standing in the door to the stall they were stationed in. His blue eyes looked strangely dark and he appeared oddly imposing. Faolan sat down and wrapped her arms around Raul's leg, looking up to the Companion.

_:Don't say anything Faolan:_ Raul warned, and Fao found comfort in the fact that Raul's voice was not at all nervous, only perhaps a little angry.

Watching the two Companions, Faolan could tell they were speaking, but she couldn't hear what was said. Closing her eyes, she reached down her bond to Raul and _listened_, pushing her desire to hear what was being said. And then, as if she'd pulled pieces of wax from her ears, she heard, with perfect clarity.

_:You _know_ Rolan likes to play high and mighty:_ the Companion stallion said, _:The fact that he tells me its none of my business only concerns me more.:_

_:Conlan…: _Raul sighed, and shook her head, _:Calm down. What happened to 'A Companion Can't Choose Wrong?_:

_:I never said you shouldn't Choose Faolan.:_

Fao suddenly blinked, the name Raul had used clicking somewhere in her head and she felt a leap of fear. Conlan was Rathmir's Companion! There was a low snort and suddenly another Companion appear beside Conlan, and this one Faolan recognized.

_Shoot_, she thought, _Everyone whom I talk to has Companions being suspicious. I didn't think I was being so bad with _Alaska.

_:She doesn't act like a four year old:_ the new Companion said, Noland.

_:So? Does every forty-year old act forty? Faolan has experienced more in her four years of life than many people experience in twenty years:_ Raul said and a shiver ran down Fao's back and she clutched Raul even tighter, staring at the three Companions were nervous eyes.

_:Why not let Faolan tell us that?_: Conlan said, and there was a smirk to his voice.

_:What, so you can interrogate her like a Karsite prisoner?_:Raul retorted sharply and Faolan hid a grin.

_:Leave them alone: _a new voice said and another Companion stallion shouldered his way through the two and touched Raul gently with his nose, bowing his head with the added, _:My apologies, Raul.:_

_Who is THAT?_ Faolan wondered, and pricked her 'ears' even more, hoping to catch who he was.

_:Thank you Aram:_ Raul sighed, and then reached down to nudge Faolan comfortingly.

_:Listen- if she's not normal, don't you think the rest of us have a right to know? For the safety of our Heralds?_: Nolan put in and Aram's ears went back and he whirled upon the younger Companion.

_:Do you think Rolan would withhold information that could endanger your Heralds? NO. Be content with the knowledge you have. If Faolan does not act the way you expect her to, consider this: Is any Herald ever normal?_: Aram growled and Noland backed off, looking a bit edgy, and he bowed his head in defeat.

_:My apologies, Aram:_ he said, _:I will not question Faolan's place here any more.:_

_:Conlan:_ Aram asked, his ears still back.

_:The same:_ the big Companion muttered, _:Sorry Raul.:_

And they were gone. Faolan stood up, peering at Aram, whom she'd taken an immediate liking to. With a grin at him she peered curiously at Raul, pretending to have heard none of it.

_:Don't be silly Faolan. I know you heard every word of that- you were listening through _me_, remember?_ Raul gently rebuked, peering down at her Chosen.

"Oh," Faolan said with a short, embarrassed laugh, before looking over at the lanky Companion dubbed Aram, "Who are you?"

Aram snorted, looking uncomfortable at being Heard and said, aiming it at Raul, but still watching Faolan to see if she was still Listening, _:Is her Mindspeech that strong already?_:

_:Yes:_ Raul said, with a hint of pride to her voice, _:Although it was amplified through me. Mindspeech isn't her strong suit. She won't be able to Hear any shielded person on her own.:_

And Faolan wondered what her strong suit _was_, if it wasn't Mindspeech, and then Raul added, _:She's still listening, so you might as well say what you want just to her, through me:_ Raul said and Aram shifted again.

He said softly, _:Do you think its right to… let her listen?_:

Then Raul said, to Faolan, _:He's the Queen's Companion- he knows you're a werewolf.:_

"You do?" Faolan asked, startled, but she supposed it made sense.

_:And he thinks that's why you're strange:_ Raul added with a mental wink, and Fao knew Aram hadn't heard that last comment.

_:Maybe you should… uh, prove you're still a kid, albeit a strange one…:_ Aram suggested hesitantly.

Faolan raised her eyebrow at him and he jerked back, visibly startled at this expression on the face of a child. She grinned and stood up, reaching out to pat him on the nose, and as her fingers touched his white silky coat she felt a flash of wonder, fear, and confusion flood through her and she stepped back, leaning up against Raul's leg, staring up at him in confusion.

_:What do you mean, prove it?_: Raul inquired suspiciously.

_:So far she's been acting very mature- going to classes on her own, taking her studies seriously. She's very independent for a child. No one sees her playing very much. I mean:_ Aram looked at Faolan, _:There's nothing wrong with being serious, but you could, you know, have a little fun sometimes Faolan. Run around. Be a kid. It's okay, the people here are ones that will respect and care for you. You can… let down you guard, you know?_:

"Uh," Faolan said, glancing up at Raul and then back to Aram, "Okay…"

When he left, Raul gave Faolan a mischievous look and said, _:He means you should do something only a kid would do.:_

"Nu-uh," Faolan said with a smile, "He just wanted to me to relax. I like him."

_:Me too:_ Raul agreed, _:But if he knew the rest of it that's what he'd say. So… what's something only a kid would do?_:

"I dunno… run around naked, jump on beds, randomly attack people with clods of grass, refuse to go to bed…" Faolan shrugged.

_:You jump on beds already, dearest:_ Raul pointed out and Faolan giggled, running a hand through hairless tangly than usual, and she picked her brush up once more and resumed removing dirt from Raul.

"I don't know. There really isn't anything I _can _do to convince them I'm a child. I think in the long run I'll just keep the big sentences down and let them think what they want- why can't anyone know about… the rest, again?"

_:Faolan:_ Raul's voice became deadly serious, _:It is not something people are ready to know about.:_ The filly sighed and Fao stared up at her, and she continued, _:Fao.. If people or Companions knew you remembered your past lives they'd start questioning your knowledge of the afterlife, which we both know is nil, and they'd want to know if you knew such and such… That knowledge is there for _your _use, not their's, and people would try and take advantage of such memory. A werewolf is something solid, something that will frighten a few people and entice some others, but it won't hurt _them_. Do you understand what I'm saying?_:

_:Yes:_ Faolan said, speaking to Raul with direct Mindspeech.

_:All right then:_ Raul said, with a mental smile, and the brushing resumed.


	16. Morning Walk

**A/N: Here is that fun little adventure you asked for, Mad-4-Manga! And thank you also Stormy Phoenix for reviewing!**_  
_

_:It gets easier to act my age the more I do it:_ Faolan admitted one morning as she rode Raul along the edge of the Companion's Field, moving easily with the filly's smooth walk.

_:As with everything:_ Raul conceded, nipping at a few long strands of grass as they passed them by.

_:I want to continue learning Archery:_ Faolan announced, looking up at the bright morning sun, shining through a few fluffy clouds that wandered lazily across the sky.

_:All right:_ Raul nodded in Fao's mind.

The girl fidgeted uneasily and then added, "_Now_, Raul. I want to start _now_. Let's go find the Weaponsmaster and get me in an Archery class."

Raul's footsteps paused momentarily and finally she said, _:All right.:_

And then she turned around and moved into a graceful trot, her mane and tail bouncing lightly, heading up towards the Salle and training grounds. This was a part of Haven that Faolan hadn't been near or had a chance to explore, and as they approached the training grounds Faolan took in the lines of gray uniformed youngsters, holding wooden practice swords and listening attentively to a golden haired man in Whites, who stood with a casual easiness as he spoke.

_:Looks like they're practicing outside today:_ Raul commented, stopping about ten yards from the edge of the area.

_:Do they practice inside, sometimes?_: Faolan wanted to know.

_:Yes, in winter or very bad weather:_ Raul said, _:Although they're trained to be able to fight in all conditions.:_

The Herald, whom Faolan presumed to be the Weaponsmaster, had noticed them, and he gave Raul a wave to tell her to wait, causing a few trainees to glance in their direction curiously. A few minutes later they were paired up and hacking at each other with clumsy, confused blows that were blocked with equal awkwardness, and the golden haired Herald was making his way over to the two of them.

"How may I help you?" he asked in a lilting voice, glancing at both Faolan and Raul and clearly unsure as to which of them he should be addressing.

His hair was tied back in a loose ponytail and shown in the morning sun. His eyes were a bright, fervent blue, set in a face that was still handsome despite a few signs of aging- slight wrinkles at his eyes and an expression born of long years of hard work.

"I want to learn Archery," Faolan announced, and Raul dropped down to her knees, allowing Faolan to slip off and walk up to the Herald, Raul trailing behind.

"Is that was this is about?" he asked with an easy smile and he leaned down, "You will learn archery Faolan. Every trainee does."

"I want to start learning _now_," Faolan announced and his eyebrow momentarily twitched upwards.

He shrugged and said, "Faolan… Not yet. You _will_ learn Archery… but not now."

"Why _not_?" Faolan asked, "I already know a little and I have a bow of my own, just set me up with the other trainees!"

The Herald look a little surprised at this tirade and he asked, "Why do you want to start learning now so badly?"

"I just _want_ to," Faolan sighed, "Why _not_?"

The Herald paused and then he looked up at the sky and laughed, turning back to her with a shake of his head and said, "You got me there. From what I hear you're probably mature enough to handle it. I think mostly we didn't put you in weapons classes because we figured that it wouldn't interest you nor would you be up to it, but I can see from this conversation that you are both interested and able to handle it. You have your own bow?"

"Yes," Faolan nodded and then smiled as she said, "I made it myself."

The Weaponsmaster now took on an expression that said he doubted it would be up to standards if _she_ had made it, but once more he shrugged and said, "Okay. I'll talk to the Dean and get word to you when to come on over."

"Thanks," Faolan said with a grin, and climbed back up onto Raul, leaving the Weaponsmaster to his students.

_:You handled that well:_ Raul said as they headed back to the Companion's Field.

_:It wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. He's nice:_ Faolan said, scratching Raul's mane.

_:I'm glad you'll have some structured exercise in your day now:_ Raul said, _:Something to concentrate on and focus on. It'll help your change.:_

And nights later Faolan found herself, for the third time now, laying on her bed in nothing but a pair of gray breeches, staring fervently out the window at the night sky. The moon was barely above the horizon and so Faolan couldn't see it, but she could _sense_ it. It rang through her blood like fire and she burned, the way she could imagine Lavan Firestorm burning when he called down the firestorms on the Karsites.

And when she awoke from the mix of pain and fear, she awoke someone who was not quite the Faolan she considered herself as a human. Being a wolf unlocked part of her inside that she normally didn't let out, or _wanted_ to let out. Raul had stayed in the Companion's Field, as she and Fao had decided, to not arouse suspicion. Besides, there wasn't much Raul could do for Faolan- the amount was equal no matter _where_ the Companion filly was.

_:Ahh…:_ Faolan sighed, yawning and stretching, letting her claws dig holes in her sheets, before jumping off the bed with a clicking of claws, _:Somehow I don't feel at all tired…:_

_:Faolan:_ Raul's voice rang cautionary in Fao's mind and she sighed, feeling a sullen, childish anger at the Companion for being so overprotective.

_:Raul:_ she sighed, _:I look like a puppy. I don't look like a wolf. No one will suspect a thing.:_

_:What exactly do you plan on doing?_:

_:Going for a walk: _Faolan declared and leapt up onto the chair by her window and bit at the latch. She managed to slide it to unlocked, but there was no way she could get it open.

_:Damn:_ she thought, nosing at the latch, but her soft nose had no power to lever it up and she bit at it in anger, feeling the moon rising within her and along with it, the desire to be out.

Miffed, she let out a growl, scratching at the windowsill to vent and finally snapping, _:Isn't there _some_ way I can get it open, Raul?_:

_:If you can't… and you already locked yourself into your room…:_ Raul said slowly, not wanting to sound happy about the fact that she couldn't get out.

_:Ah ha:_ Faolan laughed and ran over to her door, leaping up and pressing her paws against the wood, but she couldn't reach the door latch, so she ran over and sunk her teeth into the leg of one chair and slowly, awkwardly, she dragged it to the door, her claws sinking into the wooden floor and leaving even more claw marks that didn't worry her in her wolf form.

With an easy jump she perched herself on the chair, and ignoring the pain in her gums, she bit the latch and pulled it open with her teeth, relishing the salty taste of blood in her own mouth as she jumped back down and dragged the chair out of the way and then, giving a powerful jump with her hind legs, she latched onto the door handle with her teeth, and let her weight drag it down.

But, as she hung there by her teeth, literally, she realized that although her door was able to be opened, she had no way now to pull it open. She tried to pushed off the side of the door, but that didn't work, and her jaws were beginning to ache.

_:Crap:_ she thought miserably, but just as she was about to let go, there was a knock on the door and it was pushed open by a surprised Christopher Alaska, and Fao slid out of sight behind the door.

"Faolan?" Alaska asked, "Are you here?"

He looked at the chair in the middle of the room and the bite marks on its side and the mussed up sheets and gave a shrug.

_:Maybe she's in the baths:_ Faolan heard with a stark clarity in her mind and felt relief seep through her as he turned to go back out. Quickly, and to the joy of her aching jaws, she dropped to the floor and padded around, slipping behind Alaska as he swung the door shut, moving like a small shadow in the darkness of the hall.

_:What a stroke of luck:_ she thought with delight, and ran down the hall in the opposite direction as Alaska, her puppy claws clicking on the wood floor. Faolan could feel Raul sighing in the back of her mind, but she ignored the filly and managed to slip outside as a few trainees slipped in, unnoticed by all in her even smaller form.

The night air was cool and Faolan stopped on the steps outside, her nose twitching as she breathed in deep and took in the various scents of a living city. Then, eagerly, she trotted down the steps and soon made her way to the Companion's Field, slipping under the fence and delighting in the beautiful feel of grass beneath her paws as she slipped between stalks that grew taller than she did, her large ears pricked and excited.

Suddenly a white form materialized before her and Fao stopped short, sitting down on her fuzzy bottom and looking up through eyes as blue as they were before she had changed. A pair of deeper, more intense blue eyes peered back at her, a pair of very familiar eyes.

_:Fancy meeting you here Raul:_ Faolan chuckled and the filly stomped a hoof. Fao thought, as she tilted her head sideways, that Raul had definitely grown since her first change in that Waystation.

_:Nice to see you as well Faolan:_ Raul said amiably, but with a pinch of sarcasm in the back of her voice.

_:You don't like me do you?_: Faolan inquired, feeling surprisingly hurt all of a sudden and she lay down, resting her head on her paws and looking up at the filly with endearing eyes.

_:Of course I like you Faolan:_ Raul answered sharply, her blue eyes flashing.

_:I mean you don't like the wolf me.:_

_:Well… you are sometimes a bit much to handle, but I love every bit of Faolan- even the parts you can't always control:_ Raul said and reached down a soft nose, pressing it against Faolan's back and breathing soft breath into her fur.

Quick as lightning as only a puppy can, Faolan whipped around and snapped her jaws shut millimeters from the filly's nose. Raul jerked backwards and stared at her in surprise as Faolan jumped to her feet, and tongue lolling, looking up at Raul with a barking laugh.

_:Fooled you, huh?_: she said and ran off through the grass, cackling in her mind.

_:Faolan!_:Raul shouted, angry but laughing at the same time, _:Don't DO that Faolan! That isn't funny!_:

_:Then why are you laughing?_: Faolan demanded wickedly as she danced through the grass and the filly chased after her with long strides.

_:You:_ Raul growled at Faolan and the wolf laughed again and shied away from the thick scent of Companions, sticking to the lonelier patches of forest and running along the edge of the river, inhaling scents and the thrill of _everything_ running through her blood, the chill wind, the crisp air, the trees moving gently and exuding the powerful scent of pine and sycamore and oak, the cooling dirt pressing up against the pads of her feet, the bushes pulling at her fur, she inhaled it all.

"_Arroooooooo!" _she sang to the moon as she reached a small meadow in the field, abandoned by the Companions. The moon was high and Faolan felt the lonely longing of the wolves and she called this out to the moon, sending shivers down the spines of all who heard it and deep inside recognized that it was not the calling of a common wolf or dog.

And then she ran again, playing with her shadow, chasing Raul and simultaneously hiding from her until the poor Companion never knew what game her Chosen was playing. She darted past a few Heralds whom she hadn't know where there because the wind had been blowing their scent away from her, a few Heralds who were momentarily startled to find a lost puppy running through the Companion's Field, but what startled them even more was the young Companion who came through moments later at a brisk trot, going and coming in the same direction as the puppy.

And the next morning, when Christopher Alaska found Faolan curled up asleep outside the Herald's Collegium, completely naked, he didn't comment, only carried her into her room, ignoring Faolan's half asleep and mumbled excuses about a 'mor'ing walk.'


	17. Rathmir's Kids

**A/N: Here is chapter 17! My mom is coming home from India today! Yay! (But I don't get to meet her at the airport because I have a babysitting day that was scheduled like _before_ her flight home day was scheduled. I didn't even realize it was the same day until a few days ago. Me: Ohh... Ah well... Thanks go to... Kathleen G. McCrory, mugglepirate, little cat, and Stormy Phoenix for reviewing the last chapter!**

"You have good eye, but you hold the bow wrong, which is why your arrows always fall left of their target," William Sommer, the Herald-Weaponsmaster said and then he sighed, running a hand through his loose ponytail, "I never thought I'd see the day where I was teaching a four year old archery."

"I'll be five soon," Faolan pointed out peevishly. It wasn't _quite_ true, but soon was a relative word anyway.

"Yes, you will," William agreed with the nonchalant sort of voice that said he'd didn't really care either way and he kneeled down, white breeched knees becoming dusty as they touched the sand of the outdoor training field.

It was sunny, with a slight chill to the air, reminding all those who basked in the warmth of summer that September was not quite a summer month anymore. William's strong hands moved to hold Faolan's shifting them and showing her how to properly aim and sight down the arrow at the target.

"Where did you learn to shoot, anyway?" William asked as Faolan relaxed her fingers and the string snapped back into place, hurtling an arrow at the target thirty feet away. It sunk into the edge of the target, just barely _not_ flying off in the sand behind it.

"My Pa taught me some, but mostly I just practiced by myself," Faolan shrugged, plucking another arrow from the quiver thrust into the ground. Her own arrows had been abandoned as totally useless once William had looked over them, but he had given her bow the sign of approval- it wasn't high quality, but since they didn't really have any bows Faolan's size, it would have to do.

"That would explain the practiced eye and arm," the Weaponsmaster said with a wink in Fao's direction that she missed as she slid the arrow into place and pulled back the string.

_FLASH!_

_An arrow whizzed by my head, just barely missing the skin of my cheek and I spurred my gelding into a quick canter. I had been seen! _Damn_, I thought vehemently, as another arrow missed me by a further mark. Cautiously I pulled the gelding in a direction different from my camp, but no more arrows fell beside me. Either way, I could still be followed, so I spent an extra four hours cantering and trotting and walking periodically through the trees, going in every direction but never anyway near the camp. When I came in I could smell the dawn on the air, and a few birds chirped restlessly from their perches, sensing the sun's imminent arrival as well._

"_You're back," the Captain said as I tethered the gelding and gave him a flake of hay and a handful of grain to munch on. _

_I almost jumped- for I hadn't heard him approach, and by that I knew it was time for me to sleep. If my reactions were that down… I planned to sleep all day and all night and not get up until tomorrow morning._

"_I'm back," I agreed, turning away from the gelding to look at him. He had the air of someone who has just woken from a refreshing sleep. I envied him- but of course he'd be back out on the borders soon as well, risking his life to tell the army where the enemy was. _

"_Have you had breakfast?" he said, and I saw to my indignity a smirk hovering about his lips._

"_No," I growled, "Nor am I remotely hungry. I'm too tired to be hungry."_

"_Your horse is hungry," Raleigh chuckled under his breath and I looked at the gelding. He was entirely absorbed in his food and I leaned back against his side, looking up at the beautiful starry night sky above me and feeling the gelding take deep breaths beneath my back. He was warm._

"_I'll join you for dinner then- I assume you'll be up?" he inquired, a curious light in his eyes when I looked at them and I felt a sudden sort of giddiness._

"_Yeah," I said quickly, conveniently forgetting I had planned on doing no such thing, nodding in a breathless sort of way and I straightened up, patting the gelding on the neck. He didn't look like much but he was as surefooted as anything, which just went to show that no matter how good of a form a horse had it didn't show what they had inside, and that was what matter. Brains and guts. _

"Good," the Herald-Weaponsmaster said and Faolan blinked up at him owlishly, not quite comprehending what he was saying and feeling an odd mix of young woman and child- something about Raleigh was haunting her now, but away from her memories it only confused her. He certainly didn't make her feel breathless _now_… It was like knowing you understood something once, but no longer being able to comprehend it. Frustrating.

"That was a good shot," the Herald repeated.

"Uh," Faolan said, then looked at the arrow protruding from the target, "Yeah. Should I try again?"

"Please."

"I heard you met my husband," Rathmir said one afternoon as she read to Faolan out loud from Horses of the Shin'a'in.

"I did?" Faolan asked, still thinking about horses and feeling Carry Rolf, itching to try some training exercise of some green horses, inside of her.

Rathmir smiled, looking at Faolan with teal colored eyes and said, "He's the Weaponsmaster."

"You're married to _him_?" Fao exclaimed and Carry Rolf started laughing in Fao's brain.

"Yes," Rathmir smiled and then shut the book, "Do you want to meet our kids this afternoon? You saw our room- well it's actually a series of rooms, one of which is the kids'. The Herald's take turns keeping an eye on them when I teach, but since William mostly teaches in the morning and I mostly teach in the afternoon it's not _that_ often that we dump them on someone else's lap."

"Yeah!" Faolan leapt to her feet, excited and worried at the same time- what would she find _real_ kids her age like?

Rathmir nodded and stood up, putting away the book and then leading Faolan down through empty hallways (everyone else was in class) until they reached a door that read _Rathmir Sommer _and then next to it _William Sommer_. Funny- she hadn't noticed it before.

Rathmir pushed open the door and stepped inside, peering around before calling out, "Kayin? Maemi?"

Two blond head appeared and two small bodies threw themselves at Rathmir, shouting a random bundle of words that Faolan couldn't make out and Rathmir kneeled down to meet their embrace, laughing at her children's exuberance. Then they noticed Faolan and fell quiet- and Faolan suddenly wished she was anywhere but here.

"Maemi, Kayin, this is Faolan," Rathmir said with a smile at Fao, and then, pointing at the taller one, a girl with her hair pulled back in a cute ponytail, she said, "This is Kayin. Maemi is her younger brother."

Maemi, also endowed with his father's gloriously colored hair, although shorter cropped, had Rathmir's teal eyes, while Kayin had blue. Maemi looked about Faolan's age, and Fao figured Kayin was probably a year or two older.

"Hi," Faolan said shyly, hugging her arms to herself.

"Hi," Maemi answered, while Kayin stepped sideways behind Rathmir and clutched at her mother's shirt.

"Faolan is a student of mine," Rathmir said, untangling her daughter's hand from her shirt and standing up.

"Is she a Herald?" Maemi asked in a soft voice, looking up at Rathmir.

"Well, she will be," Rathmir answered, "I brought her over here to meet you because most of the other Heraldic Trainees aren't her age."

"You have a Companion?" Maemi asked, his teal eyes wide.

Faolan nodded, glancing up at Rathmir.

"Well," the Herald said, and Faolan could have sworn she winked, "I'll leave you three to entertain yourselves… How were they?"

Faolan was confused for a second but then she saw the white outfitted human standing in a doorway to the right, from where the children had emerged and assumed that the question had been directed at her.

Faolan looked at Maemi and Kayin. Kayin and Maemi looked at her. Shy silence stretched between them until finally Maemi, the less shy of them, said, "Bears!"

Kayin grinned in agreement and the two of them ran off, shoving past the two Heralds to a part of the rooms that Faolan knew not of. Cautiously, she followed, peering past Rathmir and the other into what she saw to obviously be the children's room.

'Bears!' meant stuffed bears, several of which were scattered about the room and Kayin and Maemi were throwing onto the bottom bunk of a set of bunk beds, neither of which were made.

When all five or six were safely heaped in a haphazard pile Maemi turned to Faolan with a grin and climbed onto the bed, taking a bear and saying again, still a little shyly, "Bear!"

Then, taking that same bear, he climbed down again and handed it to Faolan, repeating once more, as if to cement it as a fact, "Bear!"

"Bear…" Faolan said slowly, looking at the stuffed animal. It was a teddy in style, all black with brown beads for eyes and a pink puffball for a nose. She ran her hands over its soft, (and loved), fur, figuring 'bears' had to be a favorite game of the kids.

Kayin and Maemi had climbed back on the bed and were rearranging the sheets to form what looked like mountains and caves. Walking carefully over to them Faolan kneeled down beside the bed and set the black bear on the edge of the bed.

"Ralph," Maemi announced, brandishing a white polar bear shaped stuffed animal at Kayin.

"Little Bear is gonna come an visit, kay?" Kayin inquired, brandishing a brown bear at Maemi.

"Kay," Maemi agreed.

_Heavens of heavens…_ Faolan thought, climbing up onto the bed with them, feeling self-consciously _not_ four years old, _I don't act four at all._

Ralph wandered over to Little Bear and they fought some, shoving into each other with uncoordinated motions and then, to what Faolan could tell, they ate a cat stuffed animal and then took naps.

"What's this one's name?" Faolan asked Maemi, holding out her bear.

"Blackie," Maemi informed her with a proud delight.

"Blackie," Faolan repeated. It fit.

Ralph then bit Blackie, as far as Faolan could tell. So she had Blackie bite Ralph and got into a stuffed animal scuffle with Maemi, upon which Little Bear then joined in until all the bears were once more tired and had to go home.

"Can you speak in minds?" Kayin suddenly asked, once all three bears were safely under their blanket 'caves.'

"Uh…" Faolan said, "Yeah."

"Can you speak in my mind?"

"If I wanted…" Faolan said slowly.

"Please?"

_:Hello Kayin:_ Faolan said, pushing it towards the five or six year old.

Kayin giggled, reaching hands up to touch her head and said, "That tickles! You sound funny in my head."

"Chase?" Maemi suddenly inquired and then, slyly, added, "Faolan's the monster."

Kayin screamed and dove off the bed, and the two of them disappeared into the other room. Not sure what to make of this sudden change in games, she crept off the bed and then stealthily crept into the other room, creeping along the walls until she found Maemi hiding behind the bed, upon which she leapt at him, growling, and he screamed in fear, running through another door and slamming it shut.

_Am I that scary or is just the game?_ Faolan wondered, chasing after Kayin as she darted past her back into the bedroom.

It went on for several hours, chase, then hide and seek, then they looked at stories, had a pillow fight, and finally played bears again. By this time the sunlight was dying in the sky and Rathmir came in- she had been in the main room reading most of the time and announced it was time for Faolan to leave.

Two choruses of "Noooo!" rang through the room and Faolan heaved a sigh of relief- they were fun, but tiring, and all it had down was make her realize how _not_ four she really was.

"Yes," Rathmir said and Faolan stood up, taking her hand and leading her out the door, "But she'll come back another day, right Faolan?"

"Yeah," Faolan agreed, and that she was sure of. If only to find her 'inner child.'

Rathmir left her to find her own way back to her rooms, which Faolan did with ease, finding them cool and somewhat empty after the mess and life of Rathmir's rooms- and her children. With a long look out the window she finally left once more, heading down to the Great Hall for dinner.

"Hey Faolan," Alaska said as she slid into an empty chair beside him. Keanu and Ranae were not in sight but Tobie was sitting on Alaska's other side, poking a fork with a sort of bored interest at a piece of steak.

"Hi," Fao answered, then leaning forward she grinned at Tobie, "Hi Tobie."

"Heyla Fao," Tobie answered and Fao thought of Aine, Dunne, Maura, and Danielle- and the way they had spoken of Tobie.

"I met Rathmir's kids today," Faolan announced as she served herself a pile of mashed potatoes.

"Did you?" Alaska asked, sounding uninterested but that was Christopher Alaska's way- Fao knew he wasn't ignoring her.

"Yeah," Fao nodded and delved into her potatoes.

"I burnt the practice shed down again," Tobie muttered and Fao felt a hint of depression in his voice- or was she imagining it?

"You the next Lavan Firestorm?" Alaska wondered, sipping at a glass of milk.

"I hope not," Tobie said with shudder and Faolan paused in her eating, looking over at the black haired boy with concern.

"Yeah, I hope not too. If you ever get out there on the front and have to start burning Karsites make sure Charan is out of the way, and try not to burn yourself down."

"I don't have firestorm power," Tobie muttered, "But what I do have is enough to get away from me."

"Tobie?" Faolan piped in and the trainee peered over her, curious at this intrusion.

"Yah Fao?" he asked, black eyes humoring.

"Don't worry about your Gift," she advised, wishing him happier days, "You'll get it under control, and the Heralds training you know what they're doing."

"Yeah, you're right Faolan," Tobie said, leaning back in his chair, "You have some surprising insight for a four year old."

Faolan winced. _I do, don't I?_ she thought awkwardly, and busied herself eating mashed potatoes for the rest of the meal.


	18. Gift Training

**A/N: Happy almost the last day of March! And thanks to all who reviewed the last chapter!**_  
_

_  
:Hey Raul?_: Faolan asked a few weeks later as they rode sedately through the Companion's Field, enjoying the changing colors of the leaves around them.

_:Yes, Chosen?_: Raul asked.

_:Why am I here?_:

_:I don't know Faolan.:_

"Sometimes, I'm sitting in the middle of the Great Hall and I looked around at everyone eating beside me, and I think- _they're_ normal, _they _don't know the things I know and I wonder why. My past lives and my werewolfism seem to be closely tied together- I never would have remember them if not for my bite, and I would never be able to handle being bitten if it weren't for those memories and your Choosing of me. And you wouldn't have Chose me if I my Lives had resurfaced _from _being bitten and… it all makes one big, jumbled loop. None could have existed without the others," Faolan sighed, looking at the leaves on the trees without seeing them, "And then… no one knows. No one knows but you. It's like there's this me, but _no one knows me_. I mean, Alaska likes me, and I'm sure he figures I'm not normal, but I think most people think it's just because I was Chosen. I can't sit down with him and have a theoretical philosophical debate and I can't tell Rathmir how it hurts to change into a werewolf, but I love the freedom of being one- even though I have the horrible desire to kill everyone and take over the world- which, thankfully, my wolf self seems to have put on hold…"

_:Ah Faolan…:_ Raul sighed and stopped, looking back at her Chosen, _:I never said your life would be an easy one, my sweet.:_

"I know," Faolan said, then added with a grin, "I never asked for an easy life either. It's just weird though…"

_:I have no doubt that someday most all the Heralds will know you're a werewolf- I doubt that one will stay a secret forever. But you cannot speak of your past lives.:_

"Why can't I just tell them now then?" Faolan wondered.

_:It is not the time. And you have not mastered the change enough:_ Raul said, reverting to the annoying Companion mysteriousness, _:However… I believe you will soon be starting a new train of lessons which will undoubtedly help.:_

Those 'new lessons' turned out to be Gift training. And it was not as fun as Faolan had expected it to be, after hearing about Tobie burning down buildings and Christopher Alaska creating monsters in his own mind…

No, her Gifts were much more mundane than that and the lessons were even more boring. She had, as the Girls had pointed out, Mindspeech, entailing both thought sensing and thought projecting, although the latter was much weaker and neither were particularly strong unless amplified by Raul. However, she _did_ have one other Gift that she hadn't heard of before and that was Empathy. Apparently her 'good sense' of people's emotions wasn't just a good sense, it was an actual Gift.

_:Gifts are really only extensions of that sort of sense anyway, Faolan:_ Raul pointed out at one point.

Faolan already knew meditating, so when her first lesson rolled around she was already, sort of, prepared for what she was being taught. Rathmir, who as a Gift teacher was teaching Faolan Gifts now as well, as they both knew she would eventually. The first lesson though, came as something of a surprise.

"Faolan," Rathmir said as the red headed four year old entered the room, looking excited and a little red cheeked from being outside with Raul in the increasingly colder afternoons.

"Yes, Rathmir?" inquired Faolan as she sat down in a chair across from Rathmir in the empty classroom.

"Today, you start Gift training."

"I do?" Faolan echoed, peering at Rathmir with surprise.

"Yes, you do," Rathmir said, "We'll still practice here, your Gifts aren't so strong that we need to be in a protected area, as with your friend Tobie."

"All right," Faolan said, watching with her blue eyes.

"First off, you need to know how to ground and center yourself. Grounding involves pushing your power into a solid source, like the earth, or your Companion, and it gives you a place to funnel your power if it ever gets out of control. Centering is bringing yourself together, identifying what is you and what isn't. This is particularly important for those with Mindspeech, because sometimes when you hear someone else in your mind, you can't always identify it as a stranger- especially if they're trying to convince you they're your own thoughts. It sounds complicated, but once you get the hang of it, it becomes second nature. Most of us Heralds are walking around grounded and centered all the time- or at least centered and shielded," Rathmir explained and Faolan blinked.

"That does sound complicated," she agreed, fiddling with her fingers.

"But, like everything else," Rathmir said with a smile, "All it takes is practice. Now I want you to open your mind. You have internal blocks, a sort of subconscious shielding, that stops you from hearing things all the time, and stops people from hearing _you_. Just relax, and _listen_."

Faolan did as she was told and closed her eyes, trying to complete relax herself and sure enough she started to hear things trickle into her brain.

_This is so boring… Crap- what did he just… _

_..she hearing me yet? I can't tell…_

…_the farm… there was a lot less sweeping to do._

…_so wonderful. And those eyes! And…_

Along with the words came other things, feelings, emotions, strange and foreign and Faolan was tempted to try and thrust them out, but she kept herself relaxed, like a rock in a river, letting the words and emotions flow around her. _Irritance, worry, boredom, infatuation…_

…_good to be back. Ahh… I wonder what everyone's been up to in my absence? Havens, I missed being able to have a good bath._ Along with those thoughts there was a weary tiredness, like a person about to go to bed, but hidden, in the depths of those words, were pain and horror, fear and shock and Faolan pulled away from that person, as if she had touched a hot piece of iron.

Her eyes fluttered open and she jumped as a white shape walked by their open door, leather boots creating low pats on the floor.

"Faolan?" Rathmir asked, her eyes and voice worried.

"I'm okay," Faolan said, looking back at Rathmir, her breath coming in a little quicker than usual, "I'm not sure I like hearing other people's thoughts."

"You heard more than just me? Did you hear me?" asked Rathmir, her voice hinting of surprise.

"I'm not sure- I couldn't identify the voices at all. It sounded like they were all people near by, trainees, Heralds, servants… I'm not sure. I also felt their emotions."

"Ah… okay," Rathmir nodded, "Are you hearing anything now?"

"Just whispers, like in the back of my head," Faolan said, "But they'd become clearer if I let them. I can see how having this Gift untrained could drive someone crazy."

Faolan scratched her head with an annoyed expression and said, "It's already starting to bother me."

"I'm afraid now that you opened yourself up only training will make it go away again," Rathmir said, "but I want to discuss something of the ethics of your Gift."

"Ethics?" echoed Faolan, tilting her head at Rathmir.

"Yes. Would you want someone digging in your head, reading your mind?" Rathmir asked, and as Faolan shook her head Rathmir nodded and continued, "No one wants that. What you did now was hear things that people were letting loose, slipping out of their shields in this relaxed environment. Around trained Heralds in a tense situation you'd never hear anything unless you broke through their shields. Among those untrained… if you let down your Shields and listen you will hear those 'surface' thoughts of those around you, and their 'surface' emotions. It's not all right to do that just to listen, but if the need arises, and it will, you can lower your shields. If it means pinpointing the weakness of an enemy, do it. Ah… but I have the feeling you understand all of that, don't you Faolan?"

"Yeah," Fao nodded with a grin at Rathmir, "I understand."

"Good," Rathmir nodded, "Now I want you to try to Ground and Center. I will show you how to do it the first time, then I want you to try and copy me. Close you eyes and relax again."

Faolan did as she was told and soon she felt a _presence_ enter her mind, foreign and alien like, but at the same time familiar.

_:Hello Faolan:_ Rathmir said and Faolan almost jumped, but she kept herself calm, _:There is no need to 'voice' your response to me, I can hear your 'surface' thoughts right now. Just think it and I will hear it.:_

_Okay_, Faolan thought back to Rathmir.

_:Now, watch, feel, listen:_ Rathmir said and Faolan felt her powers being pushed into the earth and she felt… well, grounded to it. Stuck, like a tree putting down roots. It was a safe feeling. And then she felt Rathmir pulling her together, as if she had been spread out and there was this feeling like a click as a lock slides into place and Faolan felt like all of 'her' had finally been totally fit into herself. And then, it was gone and Rathmir was gone too and Faolan felt momentarily disoriented.

"Can you do it yourself?" Rathmir's voice floated through the room and Faolan opened her eyes, feeling only half there.

"Yeah," she nodded.

"Then do it."

Faolan tried, but it wasn't as easy as it had seemed when Faolan did it for her. It was hard to manipulate her 'power' and it seemed to spring from her whenever she tried to push it somewhere, like a slippery egg. It didn't flow down into the earth in that smooth line the way Rathmir had down it, but squirmed around like a worm trying to avoid being impaled on a hook.

_What's so bad about being grounded?_ Faolan growled at her power and then she felt a hand on her shoulder and she opened her eyes, blinking sweat away that she hadn't been aware was there.

"Enough," Rathmir said, "That's enough for today. Go take a shower and meet me downstairs for dinner. Your Companion will Shield you until you can control your power."

The Herald stood up with a swish of her long hair and Faolan hurriedly followed her out. As she walked she felt Raul's presence and the whispering that had been in the back of her head died down- it was like Raul had covered her ears for her and Faolan felt a part of her relax that she hadn't know was tense and her forehead throbbed in protest of all the mental work.

_:Why is it so hard, Raul?_: Faolan asked as she made her way to the baths, in a different direction than the one Rathmir disappeared to. Her feet hit the floor in a way that seemed a little too loud and the world seemed to be tilting slightly at the edges, _:And why do I feel like this?_:

_:It's a reaction headache, but not a bad one. You'll be fine tomorrow morning:_ Raul said gently, _:Don't push yourself so hard- and tell Rathmir you got one and she'll make sure you don't push yourself that hard. There is no need to learn any of this quickly, so take your time.:_

_:She made it seem so easy though: _Faolan protested, stumbling into the bathing room, where a few other trainees sat in tubs, conversing quietly. It was hot and steamy and Faolan breathed in deep, feeling she liked the warmth and steam- it was good for her head.

_:Well, your mind has never been forced to do those sorts of things before, Fao:_ Raul pointed out and Faolan moved to an empty bath, pumping hot water into it.

_:But… shouldn't my meditating and Changing and all my past lives give me _some_ sort of advantage?_: Faolan wondered, ignoring the customary curious glances in her direction.

_:I'm afraid not. In fact, they seem to what has made them come to a strength where they needed to be trained in the first place. However, keep trying and soon you'll be able to manipulate your powers as precisely as Vanyel, although not with so much power.:_

_:I wouldn't _want_ that much power:_ Faolan shuddered, stripping her dirty clothing and shoving it down the laundry shoot before climbing into her bath.

_:Neither would I Faolan:_ Rathmir said, _:Neither would I…:_


	19. Alone in the Past

**A/N: Sorry about making you wait a little longer than usual for this chapter! I had a busy week... But the weather is so nice today!  
Disclaimer: I own nothing except Faolan's personality, name, phsyical description, and past lives, Rathmir, William... the characters are mine but their Gifts and everything else Valdemaren related is Mercedes Lackey's!  
_Chapter Dedication: _For Trgiaol, who lives in my room and will soon be the reason I will have to vacumn every day. He likes to hear me type on the keyboard.  
_Thanks to..._ SweetSouthernBelle517, Ryalla-Swiftwind, Kathleen G McCrory, and Book Angel (It is quite possible as I got the name of I believe.)  
**

Faolan sat, digging into a pile of peas, or rather, she kneeled, because sitting put her just a little too low. Rathmir was on her left, and Faolan had seen neither Christopher Alaska and Co. or Dunne and Co. The peas were good, and buttery, and Faolan's headache never went above a low throb at her temple now and then, for which she was grateful. This was her first headache in _this_ life, but she could remember having some seriously bad migraines in past lives, and they were _no fun at all_.

"Hey Rathmir," a voice said and Faolan looked up, her eyes widened as the echo of a voice flashed through her mind.

…_good to be back. Ahh… I wonder what everyone's been up to in my absence? Havens, I missed being able to have a good bath._

But that hadn't been a voice- it had been thoughts, 'surface' thoughts as Rathmir had called them. Yet they sounded exactly like this voice now! Faolan blinked and stared up at the Herald, his face slowly manifesting before her. Now that she thought upon it, his voice seemed even more familiar…

"Jamie Lauren," Rathmir said with a delighted smile, turning around on her chair to peer up at the worn looking Herald.

_Lauren_, Faolan thought, and suddenly she remembered. And as she did a chill ran down her spine and into her stomach and then she was hot and cold all over and the world seemed far away, as if she were watching it from high above, and not part of it at all.

_He was the Herald that worked with Carry Rolf's Scout group. He knew Carry Rolf_. This wasn't like finding a book that you knew who'd written it. Here was a living, breathing person that had _known_ her in a past life. It was wrong, it was all wrong, and Faolan suddenly knew why lives usually occurred every hundred years or so. This was why.

"Faolan, are you all right?" Rathmir inquired and Faolan looked up, staring with wide blue eyes at Rathmir.

"Uh huh," she said slowly, raising her eyes to look up at Herald Lauren once more, the strength entirely gone from her muscles.

"This is James Lauren," Rathmir said, "He's off duty for a few months- he's been on the border, fighting in the war."

"The war," Faolan echoed and thought, _And I knew that. I wonder… could he tell me anything about Captain Raleigh?_

Then a lump filled her throat and she realized she couldn't speak. To ask him anything about her past life, _anything_, would be to… to push the borders, the lines that she knew she must have already pushed in coming here again so soon. _Why?_ Faolan cried out in her mind, _Why am I here?_

_He probably knows how Carry Rolf died_, Faolan realized and as she thought that, an itching, fleeting feeling of extreme horror and fear tingled at the back of her mind and she pushed it away, feeling sick and dizzy. _I don't want to know how I died_.

"I need to go," Faolan said and slid off her chair, abandoning her dinner and hurrying out. As she ran through empty halls the walls seemed to loom up at her and several times she wasn't sure where exactly she was, but then she'd see something that reminded her. Everything swam around in her vision and it seemed like ages before she finally found her room, where she shoved open the door and collapsed onto her bed, which immediately began to spin, rocking like a boat upon a rough sea.

She hadn't turned on the light as she came in, and the last vestiges of light from the sun slowly disappeared as she lay on her bed in a whirl of confusion and memories. _You knew it would happen eventually_, Faolan told herself, _Especially after the incident with the book. _

Yet for some reason it really hadn't occurred to her that someone from the war, someone that had scouted with her, would appear. The book was harmless, it brought only good memories, and perhaps from that she assumed that the people she'd meet that Carry Rolf knew would be equally unalarming.

_Then why I am so torn up?_ she wondered and then warm mental arms wrapped around her, cradling her like a child.

_:Raul:_ Faolan said, feeling as if she looked up at a pair of warm blue eyes, and feeling very small, as if she really were a tiny baby wrapped in a mother's arms.

_:I'm here Faolan:_ Raul said and the girl closed her eyes, leaning back and nestling herself into the arms, feeling warm and comfortable, as if every care in the world had been swept away and she'd never have to worry again.

_:I'm here…: _

And Fao slowed drifted off to sleep, curled up along on her bed and still in her trainee grays, but at the same time sheltered and watched by her Companion. So deep a sleep did she fall into that she did not hear the knocking until the fifth knock.

"Faolan I know you're there," Rathmir's voice rang clearly through the wood of the door.

"I'm here!" Faolan said in a loud, sleepy voice as she dragged herself from the realms of dreams and slid off of her bed and stumbled over to yank open the door.

Standing tall before her was white clothed Rathmir, and behind her, the cause of Faolan's departure, Herald Lauren. His hair was short and messy and brown and his eyes, which were green as Faolan recalled, were kind, yet gray sprung at his temples and his eyes had wrinkles around them. He looked tired, he looked worn out. The war was taking its toll on him and Faolan wondered what had happened since her death, what had happened in the time she had been Faolan?

"What happened Faolan?" Rathmir asked, worried, as she kneeled down and placed her hands on Faolan's shoulders.

"Uh," said Faolan, blinking stupidly at Rathmir, her focus still upon Jamie Lauren.

"Are you sick? Should I take you to the Healers?" she asked.

"No," Faolan shook her head and then shrugged, "I just…" She looked up at the Herald from the war, and his green eyes met hers, and showed no recognition.

Rathmir followed Faolan's gaze and then asked, "Is it Jamie?"

"In a way," Faolan mumbled, not sure what Rathmir meant.

"I can leave," Jamie said, looking uneasy.

"No," Faolan said quickly, and Rathmir looked surprised, "He… he looks like someone I once knew."

"All right," Rathmir nodded and then pulled Faolan into a tight hug and then stood up and waved goodbye, then disappearing back down the hall and as Faolan stood in her doorway, she realized there were tears in her eyes and she smiled a little sadly before going back into her room and climbing into pajamas.

A few days later Faolan found herself with Rathmir's kids once more. This time, she came on her own, at Rathmir's urging, and the two children were deep in a story being told by William Sommer. His eyes were lit up and he was clearly well into the story as well, so Faolan sat down at the edge of the room, catching the Weaponmaster's eye only long enough for a smile of hello. They were too far into the story for Faolan to listen in, so she turned her gaze to the two children, Maemi and Kayin. As she watched them, she felt herself fall backwards, as if in time, although her body never moved, and she felt her adult lives slipping away, hiding themselves in the corner of her mind and she thought of the time she played chase with Raul, that childish feeling of glee and true terror…

When the story was over and Maemi and Kayin pulled her into a series of games, this time, Faolan did not hold onto her usual self and totally let go, letting herself become the four year old she really was.

She ran screaming through the rooms when they played chase and she hid with a terrified intensity when they played hide and go seek, and when they played with stuffed animals Faolan let her imagination run free and lost all reserves about the silliness of bears bouncing around on a bed.

_I've been losing myself in my past lives_, Faolan thought as she walked back to her room, sweaty and exhilarated from the play, _And when the time came that I could come back to being Faolan, I blew it- the first time. I can't believe I had forgotten that- how to be a kid. _

She ran a hand through her hair with an embarrassed smile as she made her way through the halls with a freedom that no one would give a normal four year old. And then she sighed, and stared at the ceiling as she walked, realizing with a sad sort of loneliness that she did not want to be alone anymore.

She had Raul, of course, but her room was her own, and her schedule was her own and everyone expected her to do everything on her own, after all, she'd proven herself capable of such. _I can't live like this anymore_, Faolan thought, and when she reached her room she walked past it, and went outside to the darkening Companion's Field, where she found Raul waiting for her at the edge, a glowing white figure in the darkness.

_:I need a companion:_ Faolan whispered into Raul's mind as she embraced the filly, _:I don't want my own room. I can just slip off thrice a month when I change and no one ever need know…:_

_:Oh Faolan:_ Raul said, squeezing Fao close, _:I love you. I will always love you, my sweet, my Chosen.:_

_:I know:_ Faolan answered, hugging Raul tighter, and as she squeezed her eyes shut tears slipped out of them and before she knew it was crying, and Raul lay down so Faolan could bury her face into the filly's mane, Faolan's salty tears dampening the white coat of the Companion.

And watching, unbeknownst to either spirit or child, was another white form, but this one white clad instead of white coated, with teal eyes and long brown hair. That night, after Faolan changed into her pajamas, she wandered back out into the halls and knocked at the Sommer's door.

The Weaponsmaster answered, but before he could say anything, puzzled, Rathmir appeared, wearing a long nightgown, this one blue instead of purple and she stepped past her husband and picked up Faolan, wrapping her in strong arms and holding her for a long moment, the flames from the candles flickering across the three figure's bodies.

And that night she fell asleep sandwiched between two bodies, feeling happier than she had in a long time.

**A/N: Ee-hee! Short chapter, I know, but more to come soon!**


	20. Memories and Edges

**A/N: Happy Spring Break to those on Spring Break! XD. Thanks to all who reviewed the last chapter!  
Dedication:** **For Michael- who fell off the top of my computer a few days and I haven't yet put him back. **

A few days later Faolan had the luck to stumble upon Herald Jamie Lauren as she was brushing Raul in the Companion's Stable, early in the morning, just after breakfast but before her archery practice, and few were wandering the stable. A long legged Companion mare was following him, and when they walked past Raul's stall, Faolan asked the filly to wait a moment and sprang after them.

"Excuse me?" she called out quietly and the Herald paused, his Companion's ears flickering backwards.

"Um… Faolan, right?" he asked, raising a soft eyebrow over a single, intensely green eye.

"Yeah," she answered with a nervous smile, wondering what she was doing exactly, "Can I talk to you?"

"Sure," he answered, then paused and asked, "Is this about the time at dinner?"

"Sort of," Faolan admitted, glancing at his Companion every once and a while.

"Come, lets sit outside," he suggested and as they walked through the stable, Faolan trailing after the Herald, his Companion stayed behind.

There was frost on the grass and it crunched beneath their feet as they walked. About ten yards from the stable Herald Jamie sat himself down onto the grass and Faolan copied him, crossing her legs across from him.

"So," he said, his eyes calm and his fingers interlaced with his chin resting upon them.

"Do you remember Carry Rolf?" Faolan asked, and her breath caught after she spoke the name, as if saying it made the life real, made the danger of what she was doing even realer.

His eyebrows twitched as if in barely controlled surprise and it was a long time before he answered. His eyes became distant and Faolan thought he almost hadn't heard.

"Yes," he finally said and Faolan's heart leapt into her throat and almost screamed, _"I'm her! I'm Carry Rolf!" _But she didn't, and she knew she never would.

"Did you know her?" he asked, but he seemed doubtful, because, of course, Carry Rolf died six years ago, and Faolan was only about four.

"I…" Faolan said, unsure of what to say, "I knew of her."

"And how did you know of me?" Jamie asked and Faolan's eyes flickered up to his and her breath came in quicker.

"I…" Faolan said, "I…"

"Never mind," he said, shaking his head and Fao sighed with relief, "It doesn't matter. Was there something you wanted to know about her?"

_Yes!_ Faolan yelled, but said, "Um… Just… Why didn't you ever try and take Raleigh's place? As a Herald you could have, but you always sat in the shadows… why?"

This time his eyebrows _did_ flutter upwards, but he seemed to take it in stride for he shrugged and said, "It wasn't my place. And Captain Raleigh Van den Acker was a very skilled man. I do not honestly think I could have done a better job than he."

_He was, wasn't he?_ Faolan thought with an inside sort of smile and then she nodded, "Okay. Thanks."

They stood up and made their ways back into the stable, and when Faolan stepped back into Raul's stall she found the filly tense and on edge, and when she spied Faolan she stepped over quickly, and looking right into Fao's eyes she said, _:Do you have _any_ idea how close you were to-: _And then she stopped.

"To what?" Faolan asked, feeling like she sort of knew and sort of didn't.

_:Never mind:_ Raul said, and then, _:But Marcella had to nudge him several times in the right direction to stop him from asking the wrong questions of you. I'd be careful Faolan. If you ever meet someone from that life again, _please_ don't go and ask them about it, okay?_:

_:Okay:_ Faolan said, speaking the words silently but meaning them all the same, and she picked up a brush once more and moved to her Companion's side.

Doink

Faolan was still struggling to teach herself how to ground, and Raul was still keeping her shielded from the thoughts and emotions of those around her. Rathmir _said_ she was doing quite well, but Faolan wasn't sure what Rathmir was comparing her to. Well compared to who? Her powers, like a wellspring inside of her, were not the cool summer streams that Rathmir had tamed them into, but a flooded spring set of rivers, each angry and cold and unwilling to do her will. And grounding was only part of the basics!

On the other hand, she was, as far as she could tell, excelling in archery. She'd been set up to practice with other beginner archers, all Heraldic Trainees. Herald William strode behind them, shouting instructions and correcting any problems he saw as he scanned the trainees.

"Draw…" he yelled, "And shoot!"

Faolanreached down into the quiver and plucked out a white arrow and notched it onto the string, then pulling it back to her cheek and sighting down the arrow. She was pulling back hard, and her arm, as she tried to aim, quivered with the effort. But she was getting stronger, and every day she could hold the arrow longer, before releasing it.

As soon as she thought she had it aimed correctly she released, and before she had a chance to watch the arrow it was sunk into the target, not in the bull's-eye but not too far either. Glancing at the other targets Faolan found that she was averaging about the same skill as all the rest, and despite knowing she had past lives backing her up, she felt a glimmer of pride.

_I love archery_, she decided then as she plucked up another smooth painted arrow and prepared to shoot. To send that arrow flying from her hands and down a line she drew with her eye… it was beautiful.

Later that same day, at lunch and before lessons with Rathmir, which Faolan, for once, was _not_ looking forward too, Christopher Alaska approached, a sort of vacant expression in his eyes. He was staring right at her, and not at the sky or ceiling as he often did, but she had the feeling his eyes weren't focused on her.

"Want play a game with Tobie, Ranae, and Keanu?" he inquired, as if he didn't really care either way. But Faolan knew better than that and she smiled.

"Sure!" she said, her curiosity piqued, taking a sip of milk, "After classes? What kind of game?"

"Nah," Alaska shook his head, his messy blond hair staying in exactly the same position, "It'll get dark too soon after that. Tomorrow's Sunday, remember? No classes. Meet us at breakfast. And you'll see what sort of game it is."

"Okay," Faolan nodded and Alaska wandered off, lost in his own little world.

Faolan finished up her lunch and hurried to the empty classroom where she always met Rathmir. When she entered, Rathmir was already there, leaning up against a desk with a nonchalant expression upon her face, and her teal eyes were distant.

"Rathmir?" Faolan inquired, shoving red hair from her eyes.

The Herald looked down at Fao and a smile crossed her face, "Today, we're going to practice outside, while the weather stays nice."

"I can't wait for snow," Faolan admitted as she followed Rathmir out the door and to the grounds around the Collegia, but not inside the Companion's Field.

"Yeah, snow is fun," Rathmir agreed, "But it really messes up travel and with the war… Soldiers can get lost in snowstorms."

"I know," Faolan said with a shiver, memories drifting up before her eyes…

"_Damn," I whispered up my breath, "Shit."_

_Small flakes were slowly starting to float down before my eyes and the forest had taken on a very quiet atmosphere. All the animals were tucked away, safe and warm, and that made me nervous. Would this develop into a storm?_

_I crouched lower and glanced around, taking in my position and trying to remember it. In any other war if it had begun snowing I would have headed back to camp, for fear of being lost. But not this one. We were drawn too thin and the Karsites were being too crafty. Abandoning the mission could mean death._

_My fingers hovered at the hilt of my dagger as I crept through brambles, moving as silently as a fox. I was alone, and if anything happened to me no one would know- except the Scout Carry Rolf wouldn't come back, and everyone would know what had happened, or at least suspect. These days, Karsites weren't too keen on taking prisoners but one never knew. Considering it and all, I think I'd prefer death to captivity by those sun worshipping devils._

_Snap! A twig broke beneath my foot and I froze, my ears tense and picking up every sound in the area around me. Nothing. No one was here. No one heard, but that was the sort of mistake that _could_ get me killed. It wouldn't happen again._

_I place my feet carefully, continuing on, winding through trees and brush. It was easier to move through the woods in the winter, with the undergrowth severely cutting back the ground cover. I drew my dagger as I heard the sounds of people up ahead, and in the darkness I could make out light. The snow was starting to come down heavier, and the ground beneath my feet was turning white. It was cold._

_A group of ten men stood around a campfire, wearing no uniform but clearly not Valdemaren. Their clothes were leather, old and worn, and I identified them as the enemy Karsites. It was strange, this war, because the enemy didn't look very Karsite all the time. There were a few open battles with red robed priests, but the soldiers they sent to ambush us in the night… No one was sure if they were Karsite or not. They were stealthy, and at times they seemed to slip through our lines like wolves, unseen and unheard. But my job wasn't to wonder why Karse was hiring soldiers from other lands- if that's who these were. My job was to find out what they were doing and where they were going without getting caught myself._

_I crept closer to the camp, moving slowly now, moving with more care, but the snow was beginning to muffle my steps and other sounds, and the men around the fire were looking cold and uneasy. One of them moved to a pile of packs and pulled out a few small tents and started setting them up. Was the snow going to be that bad- that a scout group was tenting? I debated turning around and going back with just their location, but they hadn't seen me yet and the snow was making me daring so I crept closer, listening. _

_One of the men paused, and looked in my direction and then said something to those around him and suddenly ten sets of eyes were staring right at me. How did they know I was here? Fear leapt through me and I turned around, running now, and no longer trying to be quiet. They didn't look prepared to fight or chase, and with luck I could escape them. The snow was heavier, and with a horrible sinking realization I knew I'd never be able to find my way back to the camp now. And with my thin scouting clothing I wasn't sure I'd be able to survive the night either. I heard footsteps behind me and pushed myself faster. They were catching up!_

_Suddenly I tripped and then I was rolling down a ravine, rolling over leaves and snow and rocks that cut at my clothing and then with a thud I was at the bottom, gasping for breath. Above me, with eyes that glowed yellow, stood five men, staring down at me through the snow that had begun to twist and wind in a picking up breeze._

_And then they were gone. I blinked, wondering if my eyes were playing tricks on me, but they were gone and I sat up, rubbing my head, with ached sorely. The wind whipped around my head now, slipping under my clothing and I shivered, standing up and wrapping my arms around myself. _

_There was a low snort and I looked up at the other side of the ravine, where a black horse stood, the white snow swirling around him in an ethereal manner. A man sat upon his back but I couldn't make out the face. Was he Karsite or Valdemaren? I couldn't tell._

"_Carry?" a voice called out and smile of relief came across my face._

"_It's me Raleigh!" I shouted and started to crawl up the hill towards his white wreathed shape. _

_He dismounted and made his towards me. Was his appearance what made the men disappear? Were five of them really no match for two of us? I supposed I'd never know. Right now, I was just happy Raleigh was here. The snow made the slope slippery, and I struggled to get up to him. A moment later I felt a strong hand grab by arm and pull me up, and then together, both of us with snow coating our bodies and soaking through our clothes, worked our way up to the hill to where Raleigh's black horse waited patiently, stamping his legs every once a while in the snow. He looked angelic, with the snow creating a white blanket on his back and putting tinsel in his mane and tail. _

"_You ride," Raleigh shouted over the wind that was beginning to howl, "I'll lead."_

_I nodded, too tired and cold to protest, and pulled myself up into the saddle. The gelding shifted underneath me and I held onto his saddle horn as Raleigh took the reins. A few minutes later I could barely see him ahead of me and I was numb to the bone. I had no idea if Raleigh knew where he was going or he was just guessing, but what seemed like ages later the wind suddenly stopped. _

_I pried open my eyes, just then realizing they had been shut and found that Raleigh had discovered a cave. The black gelding snorted once more and Raleigh helped me slide off his back. The horse was quickly untacked and Raleigh was building a fire from a small pile of sticks and a piece of flint. I sank down to the ground and leaned up against the rock, feeling myself sinking into a dark, dreamless sleep._

_Later, possibly only minutes later, I came to, to find a fire burning cheerfully, thick smoke billowing from the wet wood. Raleigh had gotten the gelding to lie down and he helped me over so that we leaned against the creature's warm side…_


	21. Alaska's Game

**A/N: And here is the next one- and I assure you, much less boring. Last chapter was kinda a filler... necessary but uninteresting. Relatively. Blah. BTW- here is the ninja!**

Faolan stumbled, lost in her memory, and fell onto the dying grass. Rathmir reached down and pulled her up and she blinked confused eyes up at her teacher and mentor, suddenly remembering where, and who, she was.

"You okay?" Rathmir inquired.

Faolan nodded and said, "Just got lost in thought."

"Clearly," Rathmir smiled and they moved over to a grassy area between two buildings and sat down, facing each other.

"All right," Rathmir said, "You know what to do."

Faolan nodded and closed her eyes, feeling Raul's shields around her, protecting her from a whirlwind of thought and emotion that lay just outside of it. _I want to be able to do that myself_, Faolan thought fiercely, and once more attempted to ground herself. After a few failed attempts she felt a touch on her shoulder and opened her eyes.

"Faolan?" Rathmir asked, "I think you need to try and different approach. You keep trying it the same way right, forcing the energy under your control?"

Faolan nodded, puzzled, as she looked up at Rathmir.

"Try… well instead of forcing it, working _with _it. Become the energy, and put _yourself_ into the ground. Understand?"

Once more, Fao nodded, "Yeah." _Too bad being a Herald and using magic is the _one_ thing my past lives can't help me with_._ Maybe this is too much too soon and they all thought I was ready because everything else I've done has been backed up by those memories. _

_:Have confidence, Chosen:_ Raul put in suddenly, _:I believe in you.:_

Faolan gave a short nod and closed her eyes again, feeling gently for her power, but again it eluded her and she heaved a mental sigh and then just… sunk into it. Once she had, it sort of moved and filled up her body, becoming part of her- but Faolan still didn't know how to get it to 'ground.' If only this was as easy as archery. Or at least as straightforward.

And then it occurred to Faolan. Instead of just sort of shoving at her power and trying to push and pull it where she wanted it to go, she should _arrow_ it to the ground. Now that she was 'inside' the magic, it was a lot easier to get this to happen, and suddenly, she was grounded. This strange feeling of attachment appeared, but it wasn't bad, it was good, and Faolan felt sort of… relieved. She opened her eyes and met Rathmir's gaze of approval.

The next morning, Faolan, feeling refreshed and excited, made her way to breakfast in a timely manner, and found that Alaska wasn't even there yet. However, she spied Tobie and Keanu digging through some sausages on the other side of the room. So she made her way through the mostly empty tables and the glances of those who didn't know her and sat down next to Tobie.

"Hey Faolan," he said, pausing in his conversing and mouth stuffing to look down at Fao with a grin.

"Hi," she said, "You guys are participating in the game, right?"

"Sure are," Tobie nodded and glanced over at Keanu, who was starting to look bored at this conversation, "We're the Gamers, us four."

Keanu shrugged at that comment and then peered at Tobie, "So what else did you tell them?"

"Nothing," Tobie shook his head, his smile turning in a slightly different direction, "Just that I was waiting for the right person. And so one of them asked me if I expected to find my lifebonded. So I, of course, said I didn't know. I mean, they don't seriously think guys like girls to be so… giggly?"

"Some of them have nice giggles," Keanu pointed out with a smirk.

Faolan sighed and poked at her sausages, leaning back in her chair to turn things over in her head, _Why does everyone only talk about the opposite gender? I mean, I suppose I must have been pretty boy crazy every time I was thirteen but still… No wonder people don't remember their past lives. I would have been much happier if this had all gone over my head… I think._

"Like me," Ranae interjected as she sat down beside Keanu and started heaping her plate, "_I_ have a nice giggle."

"No you don't," Keanu answered and for a moment, Fao glanced up, unsure if he was teasing her or being serious. He had _said_ it in a serious tone, but when you know someone well you _can_ joke like that… Ranae was still smiling so she assumed that he had been joking.

A little bit later Alaska appeared and ate his breakfast, and then all that was left was to go, so they all stood up and moved out as a group, Faolan hurrying to keep up with their longer legs and insanely curious to see what this game was. Christopher Alaska led them out to the Companion's Field and the five of them sat down in a ring.

"So what should it be this time?" Alaska asked, looking up at the crisp blue sky.

"Someplace warm," Ranae put in, "It's getting too cold in the real Haven."

Faolan raised an eyebrow at this curious statement, but kept quiet, listening.

"All right," Alaska said, "Tell me your characters and we'll go."

"Characters?" Faolan echoed.

"Make someone up, Fao," he instructed, "Like a character for a story. They can be you with other powers or history, or whatever. Then tell me about that character, okay?"

"Okay…" Faolan said doubtfully.

"I'm going to be a ninja," Ranae said, her eyes lighting up excitedly, "Okay Alaska? So, knives like everywhere and a cool black outfit."

"Any history I need to know about?" Alaska inquired, his gaze still above their heads. Faolan had the feeling he was thinking very hard.

"Nothing interesting. She was trained in a far off country but was exiled for murder and has made her way here, wherever 'here' is gonna be. She's looking for work as an assassin or bodyguard."

"All right," Alaska nodded, "Keanu? Tobie?"

"I'll be myself," Tobie said and Alaska looked momentarily surprised but that quickly went away, "As a Herald, though. Fully trained powers. You guys are gonna see me in Whites."

"Dude Tobie- you're probably the only one here interesting enough to be yourself," Keanu said with a grin, shaking his head and making his hair to lightly brush against his face, "I'm going to be a Mage- like Vanyel, right? Herald-Mage of course. I'm working with Tobie, and we can be on circuit or something…"

"Check," Alaska nodded, "Now for Faolan… you have a character, Fao?"

"Um," Fao said. She hadn't been thinking about it, too interested in the others conversation, "I'm a border scout. Tough. Good with horses."

"What does she look like? Clothing?" Alaska asked.

Fao hesitated and then, taking a moment to center and ground, she tapped his mental shoulder and presented a picture of Carry Rolf to him. _It can't hurt… right?_

"Gotcha Fao," he said, not batting an eye at the fact that she was playing an adult character, and then his eyes slipped shut and they were all sitting in a forest. It was clearly spring, and just after a rain. Tall pines stretched up around them and the ground beneath them was littered with damp pine needles.

"Mmm…" Fao said, taking a deep breath, and she almost jumped to realize her voice had changed- it sounded like Carry Rolf's voice.

"Nice, isn't it?" Keanu asked and she looked up to see a man resembling Keanu in White flowing robes and a staff.

"I don't think Vanyel wore robes and walked around with a staff, Alaska," Ranae's voice came from somewhere in the trees- Faolan couldn't see her anymore. And Alaska wasn't there either.

But his voice rang out as if he still sat beside them, "I know. I was adding some artistic touches."

"It's cool," Keanu said, admiring himself and running hands down the staff.

"So am I like an internee?" Tobie asked, standing up. He was taller, and looking stunning in Whites. He brushed pines needles from his pants and looking around, taking a deep breath of the air.

"Sure," Keanu shrugged and stood up as well, levering himself up on his staff and looking pleased with himself.

"Is that Faolan?" Ranae asked, and a head wrapped in black peered down from a tree.

"It's me," Faolan said, feeling very much like Carry Rolf as she stood up carefully. She was much taller than she was used to- about the same height as Tobie.

"Weird," Tobie said with a grin, "Just weird. You even did her voice, Alaska."

"Well, she wanted to be an adult," Alaska explained, "Any of you guys want voice changes?"

"Nah," Keanu said and the rest shook their heads. Ranae disappeared back into the tree and her voice rang out a moment later, "Let's start. Fao go off a ways and pretend you're walking down that road down there. You're coming back from the border on leave, that okay Alaska?"

"Sure," his voice said, echoing around this imaginary world.

"You never said you could do this much, Alaska!" Faolan laughed and walked through the trees with the lanky swagger she sometimes had used in her last life.

"Cool, huh?" he asked quietly, his voice whispering in her ear and she could tell he was only talking to her now, "Best imaginary game ever."

"Are we still sitting in a circle?" she asked.

"No," Alaska said, "Though the world and ourselves look different, when you move here, you're moving in real life. Don't worry though- I know the Companion's Field well enough that this world has the same obstacles. You won't bump into anything, and if you guys need to go farther I'll move the scenery along. The Companions appear as deer."

"I'm not sure I like the idea of walking around blind," Faolan said, leaning up against a tree. She could no longer see anyone else. Peering around through the trees she saw what looked like an old castle rising up from the pines perhaps a quarter mile away.

"I'm getting sick of Waystations," Tobie's voice came from farther down the road and Faolan heard the chiming of Companion's hooves. Keanu and Tobie's Companions must have been lassoed into the Game.

She perked up, letting her hand drop down to the dagger at her belt, knowing that in this game, she didn't yet know Tobie and Keanu. Soon enough she saw two white clad Heralds rounding a bend. They halted when they saw her and Tobie's Companion, Charan, Faolan recalled, snorted and stamped her hoof.

"Greetings, stranger!" Keanu said majestically.

"Good day," Faolan nodded with a friendly smile, "Are you to the border?"

"Jeez its hard to remember that she's _Faolan_," Keanu whispered to Tobie and then said, louder, "No. We're on Circuit in these areas."

"Well, good luck to you then," Faolan nodded, reaching up to tuck a stray hand of brown hair behind an ear- the rest was in a ponytail, and then whispered, "Hey Alaska? Do I get a horse?"

"Do you want one?" his voice whispered back.

"Yes," she said. And then Raul was standing in front of her, looking amused, but then she changed, and looked more pony-like, although she was the same height as before. Then her hair turned chestnut and her eyes turned to a sparkling, mischievous brown.

_:Cute, aren't I?_: Raul asked and Faolan laughed, but then Raul asked, _:But why did you have to decide to be Carry Rolf?_:

_:Was that a bad idea?_:

_:Faolan. You're _four_. Carry Rolf is in her twenties:_ Raul pointed out and Faolan shrugged.

_:Well… I'm already her so I might as well stay her:_ she said and moved over to pull herself up onto Raul the Pony's bare back, taking worn reins into her hands.

The two Heralds passed on and Faolan went in the other direction. Suddenly she heard, just barely, a slight thump and her head spun around to see an entirely black clothed figure standing behind her, a knife in each hand, poised at her, and only two, dark and very dangerous eyes peering at her.

"Fao- what's your character's name?" Alaska whispered.

"Carry Rolf," Faolan whispered back, and Raul sighed.

"Carry Rolf," Ranae hissed, twirling her knives, "I've looked for you a long time."

"Me?" Faolan inquired.

"Yes- you," Ranae said and stepped forward, "Do you have any last words before you die, scout?"

"Yes," Faolan said and then leapt off Raul's back, pulling out a dagger as she did so and hurled it. Ranae deflected it with ease and suddenly a dagger was against Faolan's throat, cold and very, very real seeming.

"Now- any _real _last words?" Ranae inquired.

_Dude, you suck at being a ninja_, Faolan toyed with but then, suddenly, Ranae was being hurled through the air and then she dropped to the ground, unarmed, about twenty feet away. And Keanu appeared, sliding to a stop on his Companion, robes swirling, and he leapt down, pinning Ranae down with his staff and magic.

"Are you alright?" he asked of Fao.

"I'm okay," Faolan said, rubbing her neck and glancing back at Raul.

"Herald Tobias, what should we do with this… thing?" Keanu asked imperially, looking over at Tobie, who'd ridden up on Charan.

"Tie her up and cart her to Haven," Tobie said, and then with a respectful nod to Keanu he added, "Herald-Mage Keanu."

"Right," Keanu nodded and robes swirled out of no where and spun themselves around Ranae's wrists and ankles. She glared.

But then- a feeling like being kicked in the stomach and the world was swirling around. When Faolan came to a moment later it was very bright and sunny, and the ground was moving beneath her. She blinked and stood up and saw that she was on the deck of a ship in the middle of a wide sea. It took her breath away- she hadn't seen the sea in many, many lives.

"This is beautiful, Alaska," she whispered, walking over to the railing of the boat, a salty wind playing with her hair as she looked at the sunlight glinting off the water.

"Where the hell are we!" a voice yelled and Faolan spun around to see a robed and confused Keanu stumbling out of the cabin.

"Watch your language," Tobie said, emerging from behind Keanu and motioning at Faolan.

"Oh right," Keanu grinned at Fao and then said, "I keep forgetting you're Faolan and not one of Alaska's characters."

"Easy mistake, I suppose," Faolan shrugged, "And I have no idea where we are."

"Maybe someone Gated us here," Keanu suggested.

"An enemy Mage?" Faolan inquired and jumped as a shrill cry rang out and Ranae leapt down from the ropes of the mast, her knives spinning and she screamed, "What did you do- Mage?"

"We didn't do anything!" Tobie shouted back.

"Look," Faolan said, stepping forward, her soft leather boots quiet on the warm wood of the ship's deck, "We'll have to work together to get off. None of us put us here. It was probably an enemy Mage. If any of us want to live…"

_:Faolan:_ Raul's voice appeared, _:I'm not in the game, but listen to me a moment. YOU ARE FOUR YEARS OLD. I'm asking Noland to ask Alaska to put you in a different character, all right?_:

_:But- I'm having fun:_ Faolan pointed out.

_:Too much, and its because you finally _look_ more your age, but you can't do that, Faolan:_ Raul said and Faolan heard a hint of anger in the Companion's voice.

_:Okay:_ she said. A moment later her height dwindled down and she heard Alaska saying ruefully, "This is gonna be fun."

Looking down at herself she saw bright, downy feathers and a beak protruded from her face, Stretching out her arms turned to wings she looked around and asked, "What am I, Alaska?"

However, it came out as a hissing so she asked, _:What am I, Alaska?_:

"You're a firebird," he said, "An intelligent one."

_:All right…:_ Faolan sighed…

A few hours later the Game was done, with the enemy Mage defeated and Faolan opened her eyes to find the five of them sitting in one of the grottos near the river. It was quite unsettling, because the Game had felt like a dream, yet they didn't 'wake up' in the same place. She blinked and rubbed her eyes, feeling mentally tired.

Yet as they made their way back to the Collegium, Alaska drew her aside and waved the other's on and he said, "Faolan?"

"Yeah?" she asked, feeling oddly uncomfortable and worried.

"Who's Carry Rolf?" he inquired and Faolan felt a rock drop into her stomach.


	22. The House of Healing

**A/N: Hello you few who have kept up with the last chapters! Here is another for a rainy day! (It's raining here anyway.)**

"Who's Carry Rolf?"

Faolan slowly moved her eyes up to meet Alaska's pale blue ones. They held no suspicion, only inquiry, and Faolan played with lying to him. _I can't lie to him_, she thought a second later. And then, again, _I can't lie to him_. She stared at him, knowing that he only wondered where this vivid character came from, knew that he was putting two and two together. He knew she wasn't four years old.

_:Raul?_: Faolan inquired, reaching for the Companion in a numb sort of horror.

_:You shouldn't have done it, Fao:_ Raul whispered, and Faolan heard the same sort of shocked-blank tone in the Companion's voice.

_:What should I do?_:

_:Faolan…: _Raul spoke, _:I don't know.:_

It seemed like ages passed between them, blue eyes against blue eyes, Alaska waiting patiently for an answer. And Faolan felt words begin to press against her tongue, forbidden words- words that could change Valdemar forever.

"I'm"-

"Never mind," Alaska said and stood up. He started to turn away and Faolan grabbed his shirt, holding him and he looked back down at her.

"_I'm_ Carry Rolf," she said.

"Oh," he answered, as if he were totally uninterested, as if he hadn't heard, and when she dropped her hand he turned and walked away, his footsteps leaving imprints on her soul.

_I will never go that close again_, she thought, watching his retreating back, and when she turned around she saw Noland standing beside Raul, looking serious, and then he turned his gaze to Faolan and she felt this sort of- shock, go through her, and got the intense feeling that he did not approve of her _at all_. Or at least he didn't approve of what she had done.

"I'm sorry," she whispered to the Companion and then she turned away from him and Raul and ran up to the Collegium to the solitude of her room, where she shut the door and collapsed onto her bed, staring up at the white ceiling, awash in guilt and confusion and shock.

That night she did not go to Rathmir's rooms, as she had every night since the first night. She hadn't slept in their bed anymore, but on a makeshift bed of some quilts in Kayin and Maemi's room. And Rathmir didn't come to inquire where she was, for which Faolan was grateful. She did not go to lunch, nor did she go to dinner, and that night, cold, alone, and hungry, she fell into a fitful sleep.

"_Faolan,"__Raul said, her voice sounding more like a voice and less like mindspeech. She was standing in the Field, glowing, but everything seemed to have an unearthly glow to it. It was white around the edges. The Companion's voice echoed a bit at the edges as well. _

_Faolan peered around and then stood up. And when she did, she was not in the body of a four year old. And when she looked at Raul, for a moment she saw a young woman, of about fourteen or fifteen, with dirty blond hair tied back into a ponytail and soft brown eyes smiling over at her- but then it was only Raul again, and Faolan felt momentarily confused. _

"_It's your manifest of yourself" Raul said and for a moment Faolan saw herself, looking about twenty or so, with long red hair tied back like Raul's had been, with intense blue eyes and a sort of lanky figure. _

"_Where are we?" Faolan asked._

"_At the edge," Raul said, "You're leaving yourself. I'm here to bring you back."_

"_Leaving myself?" Faolan echoed, and she realized her voice sounded older, too, although not like Carry Rolf's._

_And Raul stepped over to her and pressed her nose against Faolan's shoulder and Fao stepped up and wrapped her arms around the filly's neck, burying her face into Raul's mane._

"_I'm sorry," she whispered, "I didn't mean it."_

"_It's all right Faolan," Raul whispered, her voice soft and sweet, "No harm was done. You can come back now. We all love you, you know that?"_

"_I know," Faolan whispered and then she was three feet tall again, her arms wrapped around Raul's leg, her face against the Companion's silky hair._

"_Wake up now Faolan," Raul urged, "Rathmir is waiting for you."_

"_Okay," Faolan said._

She opened her eyes and immediately closed them again. Hot, angry sunlight burned through the window and through her eyelids and she moaned and turned over, burying her face into her pillow. She felt hot and cold all over, and her stomach felt so empty that it had shriveled up, like a wilted flower.

"She's awake," Rathmir's voice, sounding very far away, said and Faolan squeezed her eyes shut even tighter as the world seemed to rock around her.

"What happened yesterday?" a new voice asked, this one Faolan identified as the Weaponmaster's.

"I don't know," Rathmir shook her head, "She roleplayed with Alaska and his friends but… after that, she was locked in here from what I can figure."

"Should we take her to the House of Healing?" he inquired.

"Yes," Rathmir said, "Healer Josiah said if her fever became worse to bring her over."

"I'll carry her," William Sommer said and a moment later Faolan felt strong arms wrapped around her and her blankets and lifting her up. She kept her eyes closed and pressed her face against the soft silky Whites he wore, and in a dazed sort of way she realized she could hear his heartbeat.

"Faolan?" Rathmir asked, "Can you hear me?"

"I can hear you," Faolan whispered, and her voice came out thin and dry. Her throat felt scratchy and thick and dry and it hurt to speak.

"You're sick," Rathmir said, "We're bringing you to the House of Healing."

"Okay," Faolan said, but when she spoke she didn't hear anything come from her mouth, and then she felt Rathmir rubbing her shoulder comfortingly and she sunk back into a dizzying set of dreams…

"_Look," Raleigh whispered, touching my shoulder and I immediately sprung into waking. It was very bright, and I blinked until my eyes adjusted. Raleigh was crouched beside me and a large dark shape stood near us- the gelding. I looked to where he pointed. Outside, the world was white. The snow that had almost killed me the night before was so… _beautiful_. A smile came upon my face and I sat up, shivering as the blanket slipped down around my waist. A clump of snow fell with a soft wumpf to the ground, leaving tiny flakes sparkling and glistening through shafts of sunlight._

"_Wow," I said and stood up, hopping around a bit to get my blood going again and then, feeling suddenly playful, I ran out and grabbed a handful of snow that stung my hands with its chill and hurled it into the cave at Raleigh. _

_It hit his chest with a wet whap and he indignantly wiped it off and then, seeing I was about to get another one he sighed with a smile upon his face and said, "We need to get back to camp Carry and tell them what I- and you, saw. Charlie needs some good grain too."_

_Charlie was the gelding. He snorted as if in agreement and I nodded, stepping back into the gave and kicking the snow from my boots, feeling a bit embarrassed at my uncharacteristic show of playfulness. _

_Both of us suddenly plunged into uncomfortableness we packed up camp and after I mounted up on Charlie Raleigh swung up behind me, wrapping his arms around me to take the reins of his horse. _

_We rode in silence, and the only sound was the creaking of the snow under Charlie's hooves. We were pretty far from the camp, and it was many hours before we saw the tents of our camp. I heaved and sigh and looked back at Raleigh with a grin._

"_Nice to have a warm drink, right?" I asked as we passed the border guards, who let us through with a nod. _

"_Yeah," Raleigh said in a strained voice. The camp's ground was already churned into mud and we rode Charlie over to the rest of the horses before dismounting into the mush of snow and dirt mixed together. _

_Raleigh untacked him and I stood there, waiting for the Captain to be finished and he slung the gelding's bridle over a shoulder and held the saddle over his other arm. I followed him back to his tent where he deposited the tack._

"_To the lunch tent?" I asked, my stomach growling in agreement._

"_Yeah," he said, not meeting my eyes and then he turned to look right at me and his gaze was strangely intense._

"_Raleigh?" I asked, not sure of what I was seeing there._

"_Carry…" he whispered, and then he took my shoulders and pulled me close to him, leaning down to press his lips against mine, gently, not pressing or asking for anything, just soft and sweet._

"_I've been wanting to do that for a while," he admitted when he pulled away, leaving me breathless and warmer than I had been before._

"_Me too," I replied with a sort of silly grin up at him._

"_Uh.. lunch?" he inquired with the raising of an eyebrow._

"_Yeah," I answered and as he turned to walk in the direction of the lunch tent I grabbed his hand and squeezed it, my heart dancing as we made our way through the clatter of this part of the army's soldiers and the mud of the snow…_

When Faolan woke up again it was in a green tiled room in soft, clean, cool sheets. A damp washcloth was on her head and a man robed in green was standing beside her bed, holding a mug of something from which thick steam was emerging. Although the air and sheets were cold around her she felt burning hot on the inside, and a trickle of sweat ran down her forehead. She closed her eyes again.

"Faolan," the Healer said in a soothing voice, "I want you to drink this."

And then two hands were helping her sit up and she cracked her eyes open again as the mug was pressed into her hands. Automatically, she raised it to her lips and choked down the foul flavored drink. It had some lemon flavoring in it, but not enough to cover what tasted like dirt and chalk and mushroom- which Faolan did not like.

After drinking it, she felt a little more awake, and opened her eyes all the way in time to see the Healer disappear in a swish of green robes, closing the door behind her. Feeling sick and miserable, the closed door made her feel like she was in a tiny cell. Couldn't they have put her in a room with _windows_? Feeling her sleeve, she realized someone had changed her into a nightshirt and she slid down back into a lying position and stared at the ceiling, wishing she wasn't so hot and the room wasn't so cold.

For what seemed like an eternity she swam in and out of consciousness. Sometimes soft oil lamps gave light to the room, and sometimes it was very dark. Sometimes she heard voices of people talking, inside her room, outside her room, or imaginary she wasn't sure. Raul was there, all the time, but sometimes Faolan couldn't quite reach her. She knew Rathmir and William were sometimes there, but she was never aware enough when they were to speak to them. She had strange dreams, involving her past lives and this life mixing, and sometimes she _was_ Carry Rolf, walking around the Heraldic Collegium and taking classes- in a strange blending of lives. A few older ones came back to her with startling clarity, from what had to be thousands of years ago, back to times of magic and gryphons and wars of magic and horrible things… _So gryphons ARE real_, she thought bemusedly, thinking sadly she could never tell that to Alaska.

"I'm sorry Alaska!" she yelled at one point to an empty room, "I'm sorry Noland! I'm sorry Rathmir!"

At times like that Raul would come forth in Fao's mind and hold her tight, hold her and comfort her. And then… she felt the moon rising. _I'm sick, I can't change_, she thought, feeling it creeping closer and closer to the point where she would have to change. She guessed she had maybe an hour.

Sitting up to a room that was spinning around her she stared at the darkness around her. A faint light came through under her door from the hallway. _I have to leave_, she thought deliriously, and then said, _:Raul:_

_:It's too cold outside, Faolan:_ Raul said and Faolan felt tears slipping down her cheeks, and she asked, _:Do we tell them?_:

_:No one will enter your room tonight:_ Raul said a moment later.

_:Okay:_ Fao answered and sunk back down to her sheets, rolling her eyes back up at the ceiling.

When the pain of the change overcame her, in waves of feverish pain, she couldn't stop herself from screaming. But no one came. No one came and Faolan just kept on writhing in pain as fur sprung from her skin and her teeth grew into fangs. And no one came. Through the walls, Faolan could feel the moonlight pressing up against her, heavy, making her breath come short, and when the change was over, she was still sick. And she whimpered to herself, huddling under blankets and wishing she wasn't sick. Her fur was confining and she sweated against it, making the sheets damp.

At one point, she hopped off the bed and stumbled around the room, howling plaintively and deliriously and biting at the bed and scarce furniture until Raul asked her to stop. So she climbed arduously back up onto her bed to lay there panting, her tongue hanging out and her fur damp. As dawn neared, someone knocked on the door and as it started to open Faolan managed to crawl under the sheet and shove her head under the pillow. Her wolf self was smaller than her human self, but she hoped whoever it was wouldn't notice. And they must not have, because after she heard them moving around a little bit they left, closing the door again. Once they were gone Faolan started whimpering around, because despite her better sense she _wanted_ people to know, she _wanted_ to be comforted and held.

After she had changed back, what must have been the next day, when Rathmir came Faolan managed to ask her to stay. And Rathmir did, all day. After her third change, the last change for the month, Faolan felt more aware, and less did she sleep.

"Stay with me Rathmir," she whispered to her room, "Stay with me Raul."

_:I'm always here, Fao:_ Raul said and Faolan nodded, feeling tears once more leak from her eyes and she hugged her pillow tightly.

A few days later she was better enough to talk to her visitors in conversations, and she learned that she had been sick a week. They said she had caught a flu and it would go away on its own fairly soon. Raul said it was the stress that had made her sick and that she'd have to take it easy, and try to block out her past lives as much as she could.

_I don't want to block out my past lives_, she thought miserably.

The next day, she was allowed to go for a short walk around the Collegium, and it felt good to stretch her legs. Each day, they let her walk more, until one day they bundled her up and she went for a short stroll in the Companion's Field. Rathmir came in and gave her lessons in the House of Healing, but the Healers said she wasn't yet ready to leave.

And then one day, as she and Rathmir wound their way through the halls of the House of Healing, they passed an open door. And when Faolan looked in, she saw a very familiar face upon a man lying asleep in a bed. He was thinner and sicker than he had ever looked those years back, and his hair had a few unfamiliar strands of gray, but Faolan knew she'd recognize him anywhere. It was Raleigh Van den Acker.


	23. Keeping Silent

**A/N: Yay it worked! I tried uploading yesterday and it didn't work. Sorry about the long wait, I've had a busy week! AP exams... woot. Makes me glad I've written ahead of time, since I'm not gonna have much writing time in the next few weeks. Thanks to all who reviewed the last chapter!**

When Faolan saw Raleigh laying there, perfectly still, as if dead except for the warmth to his cheeks, she went hot and cold all over, as if she were sick again, and stopped dead in her tracks. A Healer was tending to him, checking his pulse and fussing. They had the pale green robes of a Healer in training- but Faolan couldn't see the Healer. All she could see was that face, rimmed by the starched white of the pillows in the House of Healing. His room had a window, and sunlight streamed in through it, landing on him and his bed and haloing his body like an angel.

"Faolan?" Rathmir asked, "Faolan?"

It was a moment before Faolan heard and she blinked and looked up, "Yeah?"

"Are you all right?"

It took another moment for Faolan to register that and she said, "I don't know…. That man, why is he here?"

_Why here, and not at the front, leading Heralds like Jamie Lauren against the enemy? _

"I don't know Faolan," Rathmir said, and Fao had the feeling Rathmir thought she was just being a kid again.

"Excuse me?" Faolan asked, and being Rathmir could stop her she had stepped into the room and was looking at the Healer, burning all over with the need to _know_. Seeing Raleigh lying there had stirred up all sorts of feelings she had thought she left in her past life. Not desire- that she couldn't physically feel yet. But this overwhelming need and want to be _with_ him, be _beside_ him, was raging through her body.

"Yes?" the Healer trainee looked up, puzzled, and then added, "You shouldn't be in here."

"I just wanted to know why he's here," Faolan said.

The Healer looked over Faolan's head at Rathmir, and when Faolan glanced back she saw Rathmir shrug with an apologizing smile. Fao sighed and looked back at the trainee.

"He's been in a coma," the Healer trainee said, and then added, "For six years."

"Oh," Faolan said, her eyes widening and she looked at Raleigh, feeling an overwhelming sorrow rush through her body and her eyes were suddenly damp.

_Oh Raleigh_, she thought, holding herself stiff, because if she didn't she'd run over to him and take his hand and start crying, and she couldn't do that. _What happened Raleigh? What happened? What happened when I died?_

"Come on Faolan," Rathmir said and took Fao's hand, and Fao let her lead her away, feeling dazed and shocked and not really wanting to leave him at all. There was a horrible fear, deep inside of her, of the day Carry Rolf died, and she had never let herself touch it, but now… the desire to know why it had resulted with Raleigh in a coma burned through her.

"Fao, I think we should go back to your room," Rathmir said and Faolan started to nod blankly but then she stopped and shook her head, looking up at Rathmir.

"No," she said quickly, "I want to see Raul."

"Okay…" Rathmir agreed, "But not for long. You're not better yet, Faolan."

They continued walking, out of the House of Healing and past the Heraldic Collegium out towards the Companion's Field. A few minutes passed and then Rathmir spoke.

"Faolan?" she asked, her voice venturing and cautious and Faolan looked up at her as they walked.

"Uh huh?"

"Jamie Lauren- you remember him? He told me that you asked him about a woman he once knew on the border," Rathmir said and a chill went through Faolan, "You were wearing the same expression when you saw that man in the House of Healing that you wore when you first saw Jamie."

"I was?" Faolan asked.

"You were…" Rathmir said slowly and then asked, her teal eyes meeting Faolans, "Why?"

"I…" Faolan was at a loss for words, "I…"

"Never mind," she said, and seemed to lose total interest in the same way Alaska had when _he_ asked about Carry Rolf. Faolan sighed, feeling bad about having pulled the Companions into it once more. She had the feeling they didn't appreciate it. She knew they had something to do with Alaska and Rathmir's sudden lack of interest. She doubted Christopher Alaska even remembered asking her about it, let alone her confession that she was Carry Rolf.

_:Faolan? What happened?_: Raul inquired as they entered the Field. She was trotting over, looking nervous as the chilly late fall wind blew through her mane. It _was_ cold, Faolan suddenly realized with a shiver.

_:I saw Raleigh:_ Faolan admitted.

Somehow she sort of expected Raul to have known all along, but the filly only asked, _:Who?_:

_:Raleigh:_ Faolan said, hugging the Companion's nose as Raul reached them and closing her eyes.

_:Who is Raleigh?_:Raul asked slowly, suspiciously.

_:He… Carry Rolf… he…:_ was all Faolan could sputter out but she knew that upon being asked to explain who Raleigh was, Raul had felt everything that was twisting around in Faolan's emotions.

_:Where did you see him? Did you speak?_: Raul asked, and her voice was worried.

_:In the Healer's Collegium:_ Fao said numbly, and then, _:No. He's in a coma. He's been like that… since I died.:_

_:Since Carry Rolf died:_ Raul said, her mind voice somehow urging the need to make that distinction.

_:Why…?_: Faolan started to asked but as she looked into Raul's eyes she knew she didn't need to complete that question.

_:Faolan… block out Carry Rolf and tell me exactly what you are feeling:_ Raul said.

Faolan, inspired by Raul's urgency and a bit scared at the way Raul was speaking, quickly said, _:I don't know. Sort of sick, but not in a stomach or body sort of way. Scared. I… He… He's been there for six years:_

_:What do _you_ feel, Fao: _Raul nudged, _:Block out your past lives.:_

Faolan nodded and pushed the clamoring Carry Rolf away. It was harder than before, she seemed to have melded into Faolan a little more, but she did it and then she sat down heavily on the cold ground and said, _:I feel the way a four year old shouldn't. Like I just want to be with him forever. Sit by his side until he comes out of that coma. I want to see him awake, alive, laughing, speaking! I want to look into his eyes, Raul. I want to hold his hand. Why am I feeling this way?_:

_:Faolan…:_ Raul fidgeted, looking very uneasy and finally she said, _:I think you're lifebonded to him.:_

It took a full two minutes for that to sink in and when it did Faolan shook her head fiercely and said, "No." _:No. I wasn't lifebonded to him in my last life. Why would I be now?_:

_:You're not feeling Carry Rolf's memories, Faolan:_ Raul stated, _:Are you?_:

_:No…But…:_ she looked up, searching Raul's eyes in confusion, _:I'm only four. And he… if Carry Rolf was still alive I couldn't be lifebonded to him… How…? How did that happen, Raul?_:

_:I don't think age has anything to do with it:_ Raul said with a sigh, _:Damn. You aren't ready for this. You were not lifebonded to him in your past life but you loved him. Deeply, am I correct?_:

Faolan thought back, and pulled up the memories of everything that happened since that first kiss, and the memories of a love as powerful as what she was feeling right then washed through her and she nodded numbly.

_:Well… Rolan will kill me for telling you this but I don't really have a choice… Faolan… that's what lifebonds _are_. The love you had for him still persisted even after you died. If he had died as well and you two had chanced to meet in another life, hundreds of years from now, you would be lifebonded, precisely _because_ you already loved each other. Lifebonds usually only occur when two people die young, die deeply in love, die not ready to leave each other. An old married couple that loved each other just as deeply, would be ready to let go, and they would not be lifebonded. Even though only one of you died, Raleigh still loves Carry Rolf, and you _are_ Carry Rolf, if only a bit changed and a few years younger. You are lifebonded to him, Faolan.:_

_:I don't think I'm ready for that:_ Faolan said and hugged Raul tighter.

_:No, you aren't:_ Raul agreed, _:And if things were normal you probably wouldn't have met up with him until you were at least a full Herald, well into your teen years.:_

_:But my life isn't normal to begin with: _Faolan pointed out frantically, near tears again.

_:Exactly. I doubt a lifebond like this has occurred in… well…since Vanyel's time:_ Raul mused and then she lay down so Fao could wrap her arms around the filly's neck.

_:I just want to be with him:_ Faolan sobbed into Raul's mane.

_:That's pretty much what being lifebonded is like, Faolan…:_ Raul said, and then she sighed, _:Talk to Rathmir about it, okay?_:

Faolan pulled away to stare at Raul, "Raul?"

_:She's lifebonded to William:_ Raul started and then she laughed and shook her head, _:Oh I don't mean tell her about your past lives. But she can help you. Here, I'll do the explaining to Conlan, and he can explain to her- in my own twisted version of what's happened of course.:_

Faolan could stop the tiny chuckle that emerged from Raul's words and she leaned back, wiping her eyes to looked around the Field. Rathmir had moved away and was talking to Conlan. Suddenly, her face erupted into the picture of surprise and shock and she glanced at Faolan, but when she saw Fao looking her way she quickly looked back at Conlan, the 'listening' look on her face that told Faolan she was still listening to Conlan.

_:I'm not sure I wanted her to know…:_ Faolan admitted, feeling nervous.

_:Well, she knows:_ Raul said, _:And I think I'm right in thinking that she's the one person you _would_ want to talk about it to, am I correct?_:

Faolan paused and then nodded, _:Yes. Is she coming over now? I don't think I can look at her.:_

_:Calm down Faolan:_ Raul said and Faolan peeked over Raul's neck to see Rathmir making her way over, an incredulous look on her face, _:She can help you. She loves you, she's your friend.:_

"Faolan?" Rathmir asked and Faolan put her face into Raul's mane.

_:Tell her to go away:_ Faolan said and Raul stood up, making Faolan sprawl onto the grass.

_:Stop being silly now and go to her! I'm going to go talk to Conlan:_ Raul said, _:I'll be here for you though.:_

_:Okay:_ Faolan said miserably.

_:You should go back inside too… you'll catch chill and get sick all over again:_ Raul added on as Faolan looked up at Rathmir, embarrassed and uncomfortable.

"Conlan tells me Raul wants me to take you back inside before we talk about this interesting situation," Rathmir said and Faolan felt herself turn red as she nodded.

Rathmir leaned down and picked her up, scooping her up into strong arms and making her feel even more altogether _way too young_ to be dealing with this sort of thing. She leaned up against Rathmir and closed her eyes as they walked. A few minutes later Faolan heaved a sigh of relief as she was laid down in her own bed in her own room in the House of Healing- they had not stopped to see Raleigh.

_This will so be all over the Collegium and then people will have a _new_ reason to stare at me…_Faolan thought miserably, pulling the blankets up around her as Rathmir sat down on the edge of the bed, her weight making Faolan roll towards her slightly.

"Do you want to sit up?" Rathmir asked and Faolan opened her eyes and sat up, resting her hands in her lap and avoiding the Herald's gaze.

_:Oh Faolan…: _Raul put in, giving Fao a mental hug, and then adding in a way that didn't seem quite directed at her, _:I'm not even sure if it's a good thing or bad thing that he's in a coma:_

"Conlan tells me… well," Rathmir said and then paused, "Why don't you tell me?"

Faolan looked up, feeling a blush still hovering around her cheeks as she met Rathmir's eyes and the moment she did she was overwhelmed with emotion and she leaned forward, hugging Rathmir tightly, a low sob emerging from her.

"It's too much," Faolan whispered as tears once more brimmed up in her eyes.

"Faolan…" Rathmir whispered sympathetically, wrapping her arms around Fao, "It's okay baby… It's alright."

A few minutes later Faolan pulled back and looked up at Rathmir. Rathmir looked back down at Faolan, her face contorted with sympathy.

"Let me tell you one thing," Rathmir said, "I wouldn't want to be in your place. I know that doesn't help, but you're in a real predicament! I would give my life ten times over to know how you became lifebonded to a man at least five times your age! Havens, he could be my brother and you could be my daughter!"

Faolan gave her a slight smile but didn't say anything, just looked up at Rathmir, waiting.

"No wonder you were out of it!" Rathmir said, pushing Faolan's hair from her eyes in an affectionate gesture, "I remember when _I_ first saw William- and I was much older than you are!"

"What happened?" Faolan asked.

Rathmir smiled and looked off and then said, "Well… I was fourteen I think, freshly Chosen and just getting used to having a bond to a Companion. I was in the Great Hall, nervous and unsure of my way around and I looked over and there he was. He was standing up, about to leave, and he didn't see me. But I knew at that moment that I was in love. It wasn't until a few months later that people realized we had to be lifebonded. I never spoke to him, thinking it was just an insane crush, and just sort of watched him day in and day out. It drove me insane not to be able to be with him. He had a girlfriend at the time you see, and they seemed pretty tight. She was another Heraldic trainee, and I'm sad to say we don't really get along even to this day. Once we met, we were inseparable. Couldn't get enough of each other. She understood, of course, but I know she had to be jealous. They might have married if it weren't for me, although they also might have broken up too… Anyway, once we were together… it made me happier than I'd ever been in my entire life. I can't imagine how _you_ feel though, Faolan. You're too young to feel… anything else, but a four year old feeling the love of lifebond pulling through them!" And then she pulled Faolan close and hugged her tightly once more.

"Thanks, Rathmir," Faolan said once she was realized, knowing that she wasn't _quite_ four years old, but a lot of the time, she still felt like she was.

"I'll get William to visit you later," Rathmir said, "He can explain to you a little more about lifebonds than I can."

"Raul already explained a lot of it," Faolan confessed, _Probably more than even William knows…_

"Yes," Rathmir nodded, "You should get some rest. Sleeping on that will do you good."

"I want to go see him again," Faolan said.

"Not now," Rathmir shook her head, "Now Faolan, you sleep. You'll get sick again if you get too worked up."

Faolan nodded in defeat and sank back onto her pillow, feeling immensely tired, "Okay Rathmir."


	24. Lifebonded

**A/N: Here's the next chapter! I only have one more written and a very busy week ahead of me, so updates might not be so regular... However... reviews would inspire me... nudge nudge All ye who don't review it, you don't know how lucky you are that I update regularly and hugs and candy to those who do!**

When Faolan woke up the next morning, it was to find she was not alone. Except the person sitting beside her wasn't a bemused Rathmir, but a bemused William, leaning back comfortably with one leg crossed over the other. Fao yawned and stretched, feeling better, feeling hungry, and feeling a strong desire to go see Raleigh. _Havens…_she thought, _When he was just a memory I wasn't pining over him!_

"Hey Fao," William said and she looked over at him, "How you doing?"

"Waking up," Faolan said and yawned again as if to prove it, "And hungry."

"You look a lot better," he told her, a hint of a smile playing about his lips.

"I feel better," Faolan said with a grin and then asked, "You think they'll let me go soon?"

"You make it sound like you're in prison," he teased but then said, "Yes. I expect they'll want to keep you here another day or two to make sure it doesn't come back."

"It gets boring though, now that I'm not asleep…" Faolan complained, leaning back on her pillow and staring at the ceiling, "I miss the outdoors."

"And the outdoors misses you Faolan," William informed her, "I hear you found yourself a lifebond."

"Uh," Faolan said, glancing at him sideways through the corner of her eye. His expression was nonchalant.

"Hey, nothing to worry about. It's all right," William reassured her with a smile, running a hand across his hair and ponytail, "Being lifebonded is the most wonderful and most terrible thing that can happen to you. It's wonderful, because you're with a person you can never stop loving and that loves you back equally powerfully, but it's hard on one's self to love someone so much. To emotionally _need_ someone that much. If anything happens to one half of a lifebond… well, it's like losing a Companion. Most people don't recover. Your lifebonded completes you, weighs out your faults and makes you whole."

"What if he never wakes up?" Faolan whispered, fallen into a serious mood.

"Ah…" William sighed and looked up at the ceiling with a wry laugh, "Well, I can't help you there. But you know- I think _you_ might be able to help _him_ there. I asked the Healers about him and the only reason he's still here is because he has nowhere else to go, no family, no loved ones… And sometimes when a person is in that kinda of coma, they need someone close to bring them back. You have empathy, reaching out to him with your Gifts, calling to him with your mind, that might bring him back."

"You really think that?" Faolan asked, her eyes lighting up and then she asked, "What if… I mean what happens when he _does_ wake up?"

"If it really is a lifebond, he'll be as smitten with you as you are with him," William said and then chuckled, "Although I don't envy the poor guy. Usually lifebonds don't meet each other until they're both of an age that… well, above thirteen usually. You'll just have to work through it with each other then I guess Faolan. But don't worry, we'll all be here for you. I know this isn't the best thing for you to hear but… I think it'd probably be better if he _didn't_ wake up until you were a bit older, you know?"

"Yeah," Faolan said slowly, a lump appearing in her throat, "I know what you mean. It might not be good for a relationship for one person to be… four."

"Uh," William said, clearly having not actually expected her to quite get it, or to put it so bluntly with such obvious understanding, "… Yes."

They spoke no more of lifebonds, and William changed the subject to Faolan's growing skill in Archery. An hour or so later breakfast was brought in for both of them and a little later William left and Faolan felt back into an uneasy sleep. The Healers didn't let her leave her room that day, on the grounds that they were releasing her the _next_ day and wanted her to be as fully rested as possible, and Faolan didn't really want to explain to them exactly _why_ she had to go and see Raleigh Van den Acker. She already got enough attention as it was and she really didn't want everyone to know she was lifebonded to Raleigh.

And sure enough, the next morning Rathmir came to take her back to the Heraldic Collegium and Faolan was finally better, although the Healers told her to stay inside as much as possible, what with the cold weather.

"Can we stop and see Raleigh on the way out?" Faolan asked quietly as she changed back into trainee grays once more, discarding the Healer's nightgown with joy.

"Of course," Rathmir answered and took Faolan's hand as they left the room and out into the halls of the House of Healing, "Did Will talk to you?"

"Yes," Faolan nodded, "I'm glad to be better."

"Yeah," Rathmir agreed with a grin, "Being sick is no fun. It'll be nice to be teaching you again."

"And to get out riding some more," Faolan said with a sigh of longing, "Although I guess I'll be taking it easy today. I want to go see Christopher Alaska."

"Everyone has missed you," Rathmir added, "I've been getting inquires as to how you're doing. You seem to have become the pet of the Heraldic Collegium."

"Wow," Faolan said with a raised eyebrow, her voice conveying her controversy on that concept, "I'm not sure if I like that…"

"Don't worry," Rathmir assured, "They'll get over it soon enough. You're going to grow up pretty quickly."

_That sounds ominous_, Faolan thought, but she didn't say anything because they reached the door that led to Raleigh's room. Feeling suddenly clammy Faolan reached a sweaty hand and pushed the door open. Rathmir stayed outside and Faolan stepped in.

He lay just as he had the day before, silent and still in a way totally unlike being asleep. His eyes were shut but Faolan knew if they were open he'd look just the same. Like a living corpse. She shivered and walked over to the side of the bed, her feet against the floor creating the only sound in the room and as she thought about what William said, tears sprung to her eyes.

"You don't have anyone, do you?" she whispered and took the hand that lay at his side, motionless, into her own smaller hands.

His hair looked strange- he had always worn it long in the army, but now the Healers were keeping it short for easier caretaking. He looked far too pale and Faolan traced his fingers slowly, thinking that those were hands that needed to be used. The palms were soft; any calluses he once had were gone from the years spent motionless.

Faolan bowed her head and sank to the ground, arms reaching up to still clutch his hand. Her hair fell into her eyes, covering her face and she sniffed as a tear ran down her cheek and dripped off her chin. A few minutes later she stood back up, wiped her eyes, whispered so quietly no one could have heard, "I love you Raleigh," and then walked back to Rathmir.

As it turned out, few ended up with knowledge of Faolan's newly found lifebond. The only ones who knew were Raul, Conlan, Rathmir, and William. No one else was told, nor did Faolan feel the need to tell anyone else. Yet it made her realize even more that she was separated from the rest of the Heralds. Heralds were supposed to be close, almost a sort of brother/sisterhood. Yet none knew even the basics of who she really was! Raul said they'd know she was a werewolf sooner or later, but she said she could _never _tell about her past lives, even though those memories almost totally encompassed who she was.

And so, healed, Faolan went back into the now familiar schedule of lessons and time spent out in the field with Raul. Everything was the same, except for one thing. Faolan had changed. Part of her mornings with Raul she slipped into the Healer's Collegium and sat by Raleigh's side, but never more for an hour and never less than a few minutes. Every day, he lay unchanged, and every day Faolan longed to know _why_.

Yet one day, she ran into trouble. It was early morning, near the end of October and almost All Hollow's Eve. She was sitting in Raleigh's room, watching him breath, slowly, his chest rising up and down, his eyes shut, as if we were just asleep. And then another Herald entered. Faolan heard him first, his footsteps moving down the hall- she left the door open to show there was someone in here. The Healers seemed to have assumed she was a relative. But when those footsteps, stopped, Faolan looked up, and met the green eyes of a Herald she knew.

"Jamie Lauren," Faolan whispered under her breath in horror.

"Faolan?" he inquired, looking at her and then at Raleigh and back again.

"Hi," Faolan said with a smile, because there was nothing else she could do.

"Let me guess, you knew Raleigh too, huh?" Herald Lauren inquired, moving into the room and leaning against the wall, watching the two of them.

Faolan nodded slowly, watching him carefully out of her two blue eyes. But Jamie only nodded with a sigh and closed his eyes for a moment, looking deep in though. When he opened his eyes he looked at Faolan once more.

"I was gone when he… got like this," the Herald said, "When I heard about it, I was devastated- he was one of the best Scout Captains the army had. I come in here, to see him, every time I'm back here at Haven. To see if maybe he's woken up or… something. I've really given up thinking he'll wake up though. It's sad, Carry Rolf was the only person he had- sometimes I wonder if he, knowing she was gone, simply left his body… never to return. But then I think, why didn't he just die? Maybe he's waiting for something."

The Herald shrugged and then gave a half laugh, as if to excuse his musings. Faolan looked at Raleigh, thinking of what the Herald had said. _Did you leave for me?_ she wondered to him, feeling horrified at the idea that he would never return to his body, and then called, _:Raleigh! Come back! I'm here! I'm here for you!_:

If Raleigh heard, he did not come back. Faolan doubted it had worked. Because if his soul wasn't there, he wouldn't be able to hear what was said to him, mentally _or_ out loud. Jamie Lauren coughed and Faolan looked back up at him.

"Well, I'm off," he said, and then he saluted to Raleigh, "Best dreams for you, Captain."

And the white clad man disappeared out the door, leaving Faolan alone. She blinked at where he had been standing, feeling as she had just escaped a near catastrophe. Was it chance that he didn't dwell on her being here? Somehow she doubted it. _Sorry to your Companion_, Faolan whispered in her mind and stood up, knowing she'd have to hurry now to get to Archery.

"Christopher Alaska?" Faolan asked that evening at dinner, wearing a fresh outfit.

"Uh huh?" Alaska asked, slowly and thoughtfully chewing a piece of steak, his gaze misty and far off.

"Can you make a world for me?" she asked, "After dinner?"

"Sure Fao," he said, continuing to chew, and if Fao didn't know him better she'd think he hadn't really heard her.

She'd been thinking a lot about Carry Rolf lately, and the desire to _be_ her, look and be able to talk like an adult, was overpowering her. She knew it might cause a little trouble with Noland, Alaska's Companion, but she just _had_ to. So that evening, after dinner, Alaska and Faolan, alone, went to her rooms, which were getting lonely and dusty without Faolan- she only ever went to them on the nights of her change now.

"What world do you want, Faolan?" Alaska inquired as they sat on her bed- his gaze on the wall behind her.

"We could be here- anywhere, I guess," Faolan said to her horror Alaska moved his gaze and stared straight at her, his blue eyes meeting hers.

And a smile crossed his face and he inquired, "Carry Rolf?"

"Uh," Faolan said, staring up at him, too shocked to be caught under his gaze- the intensity of it!- to be able to say anything. She had the feeling, with him looking straight at her, that he knew everything about her, had read every inch of her mind, and… well… it was scary and slightly disturbing.

"I'll take that as a yes," he said and his gaze once more disappeared to the clouds and Faolan let out a slight sigh of relief.

And suddenly, the world around them changed. Faolan felt herself slipping away from herself and she heard, in the back of her mind, _It'll be easier if you imagine everything- our physical bodies won't move tonight…_

Faolan opened her eyes and she was standing at the edge of a cliff, jagged and rocky- with a forest behind her. A salty air blew the hair back from her face and far below, waves crashed up on the rocks, beating away and eroding them. She turned around, and realized that she _was_ Carry Rolf now- and she felt much more 'in' the body than she had the first time. Was it because she was imagining it more now?

A white shape emerged from the woods, and Raul appeared, followed by Noland, who looked slightly annoyed. Seeing Faolan's confused raised eyebrow, Raul winked and said, _:We're invading. You have no idea how much of a trouble maker you are:_

"Alaska?" Faolan called out as Raul stood beside her, and she ran her hands along the Companion's mane, marveling at the change in her height. Her voice too- it sounded so different!

"I'm here," Christopher Alaska said, appearing upon Noland's back, relaxed and comfortable upon the Companion stallion.

Nervously now, Faolan buried a single hand into Raul's mane, holding on to it and stepping close to the Companion. Now that she was here, she didn't know what to say, what to do. Alaska seemed utterly calm and Faolan suddenly wondered what was beneath his eyes, his calm. What thoughts whispered behind that unreadable shield?

Then Alaska did again what thoroughly shook Faolan- he looked straight in her eyes. That small smile once more jumped at the edges of his lips and he slid off Noland's back and walked up to Faolan and looked up at her- which was supremely odd.

"Faolan?" he asked, staring straight into her eyes.

"Yeah?" Carry- Faolan, inquired back.

"Whoever this," he waved a hand at her, "is, she isn't you anymore. Who is she?"

And then Faolan was sitting on the ground in front of him, back in the red headed body she was born into her, and she let her hair droop around her face and she leaned forward, staring intently at the ground.

"She was me," Faolan whispered, "She was me, Alaska."

"I don't know Carry Rolf," the boy said, kneeling down and lifting her chin up with two fingers to stare once more into her eyes, "But I know Faolan. And I don't think the two are the same."

Faolan stared back at him, lost in his blue gaze. _You would make a good Companion_, she thought hazily. Then she stood up, stepped forward, and embraced Christopher Alaska, wrapping small arms around him. As she did, the world he had created swirled away, leaving only an echo of the beat of the waves on the cliffs, and they were sitting on Faolan's bed again, but Fao was still hugging Alaska, her eyes squeezed tight shut.

"What if he doesn't love me?" Faolan whispered, and felt Raul still in the back of her mind.

"He'll love you," Alaska said, and Faolan felt a hand touch her hair and then Alaska's arms wrapped back around her, giving her a tight squeeze, "How could he not?"

**A/N: Now go read my newest Valdemar one-shot, Not Another... poke poke**


	25. Blackest Dreams

**A/N: This is the last fully written chapter I have... Since it's long, it will have to make do until I can find time to write another. Thanks to mugglepirate and StormyPhoenix for reviewing the last chapter.  
**

_  
:Raleigh:_ Faolan whispered, standing by the sleeping man's bed, and staring at his lidded eyes fiercely, _:Raleigh come back!_:

And, reaching out with her magic as Rathmir had taught her, she touched the Scout's mind, and what she found was more horrifying than the coma itself- it was blank. There was nothing there, nothing. _He really is a vegetable!_ she thought with horror, _His soul is gone._

Faolan stepped backwards from the bed, staring at the handsome man laid out before her like a breathing corpse, and then she fell to the ground, sobbing. _What if you never come back? You have to come back, Raleigh! I need you!_

Faolan felt Raul suddenly touch her mind, gently, softly and Faolan choked of her tears with a sudden determination, _:If he's still alive, his soul can still come back, can't it Raul?_:

_:Yes:_ the Companion filly answered and Faolan felt a nudge of confidence.

So Faolan stood up and stepped back up to Raleigh, took his hand and whispered, _:Raleigh.:_ She sent her thoughts into him and then out, searching for his soul, _:Come back to me Raleigh.:_

_:Come back…:_

But he did not. And winter slipped by, and Faolan let certain things slip to the back of her mind. She still visited him everyday, calling for him to come back, telling herself if she kept calling he'd hear… some day. She began to master her Gifts, and had progressed to small thought sending/receiving exercises. She continued to surprise the Weaponsmaster with her rapidly advancing Archery skills. The weather grew absolutely miserable, and Faolan enjoyed many afternoons spent curled up in Danielle's room with a bright fire, listening to her read stories out loud with flair and passion.

Only one thing marred the passage of the time, and that was the Midwinter. Rathmir and William and their kids were going to stay with relatives for the brief week and invited Faolan to come along as well. Faolan managed to discreetly do shopping for her friends when Alaska dragged her along to Haven, and hoped no one would think it too strange that she did it all on her own. They all exchanged Gifts before everyone started to leave and that's when the trouble happened.

Faolan had managed to catch Christopher Alaska after breakfast, to shove a small wrapped package at him with a mischievous grin. People jostled around them, ignoring Alaska's surprised amusement.

"Hey Fao," he said as he inspected the package, "Come over to my room so I can get you yours."

She nodded and followed him through thronging students over to the dormitories and into his room, where he dug under his bed before finally coming out with a tiny box with a red ribbon tied on it. He handed it to her and then sat down on the bed to open Faolan's.

She crawled up after him, watching him slowly take apart the wrapping, to reveal a warm woolen hat that was almost the exact shade of his eyes. He looked at it for a long moment before turning to Faolan with a shadowy smile and looking briefly into her eyes, said, "Thanks Faolan."

She grinned back up at him and said, "Even though it would be a shame to cover up such interesting hair!"

Alaska only smiled and urged, "Open yours."

Faolan obliged and pulled the ribbon off before cracking open the tiny box. Resting inside was a leather necklace with a sterling silver pendant. To Faolan's surprise and suspicion the pendant was formed into the shape of a wolf, sitting and staring up at her.

"You like wolves, right?" Alaska asked, "Here, let me help you put it on."

"Okay," Faolan said with a smile, because thinking about it, she _did_ like wolves, and it was a very nice pendant, "Thank you."

Alaska's fingers plucked up the necklace and he fastened it around her neck, letting the pendent fall down against her shirt. Fao reached up to touch it, stroking the smooth metal and looking down at it, and suddenly her fingers starting burning and she dropped the pendant, staring at them and the redness that was spreading down her fingers and beginning to blister.

"Uh," Faolan said, looking up at Alaska in surprise and fear.

"Here!" Alaska quickly took hold of the pendant, closed his eyes for a moment, and Fao saw it transform before her eyes. The sheen became less white and a little more metallic. Pewter.

"Oh," Faolan said, as he dropped it back down and she touched it again, with her other hand. No reaction. She grinned and asked, "How did you do it, Alaska?"

The boy only winked and said, "If you _believe_ it's not silver, it _isn't_ silver."

Faolan looked back down at the wolf and a shiver went through her as she thought of the extent Alaska's powers could be used. If he could make _her_ believe it wasn't silver… could he make an army walk off a cliff? Could he make someone step into a fire, believing it to be water? She shivered again and looked back up at Alaska with a smile.

"Thanks," she said again and they slid off his bed, him hurrying to his chores, and Faolan going down to visit Raul.

And then winter passed into Spring and Faolan began to think everything was finally settling down- although Raleigh still did not wake up. She acted four, she acted like an adult, and if anyone noticed no one commented. Fao had a sneaking suspicion that both Rathmir and Alaska knew a lot more than they were letting on, but she was grateful they didn't talk about it to her. She continued to stay with the Sommers, playing with their kids and progressing in her studies with Rathmir. Thrice a month she slept away to sleep in her own room, and once more, Rathmir never questioned this and Fao assumed _she_ assumed it was a occasionally need for privacy and did not notice it occurred always on the full moon. This was a false assumption.

For come April, nearing Faolan's fifth birthday and two years of living with the memories of her past lives, which were still creeping up on her. Yet one memory still did not surface, and Faolan was reluctant to let it so. The memory of her death. The memory that could unlock the truth behind Raleigh's coma. It could not stay in ambivalence for long…

It began as many nights began- with Faolan lying on her own bed, in her own room, feeling lost and alone and wracked with pain. However, she'd become quite adept at leaving her body during the Change itself and was currently floating around inside her head, at the time when her memories were most prone to surface. And this night, after seeing Raleigh once more, both alive and dead, she wanted to know _why_. This deep, inner desire, forced one particular memory to begin unraveling…

"_Raleigh!" I yelled happily, tossing a bucket of water over the half dressed man. He ducked, a not really angry grin on his face. It was summer, it was warm, and we were beating back the lines. _

"_Hey!" he shouted, and tackled me into the damp grass we had previously been bathing the horses on. A brief scuffle in the grass ended in an activity that did _not_ involve wrestling, tickling, water throwing, or talking. _

_It was warm, and we were basking in it. The sun playing on the grass, the high spirits of the horses… all of it made it very easy to forget that we risked our lives every night, stalking across the border to figure out where the opposing army was and then conveying that information to our side. The horses were now tearing up the fresh green grass and thoroughly enjoying the weather, and their new found cleanliness after the mud of winter and spring. _

"_Raleigh," I whispered as we sat on the grass, watching the woods and horses nearby, listening to the birds chirped. One of his arms was draped around my shoulder, and neither of us minded that we were both soaked. _

"_Yes?" he asked, gazing at me with beautiful eyes._

"_I love you," I whispered and he kissed me before saying, "I love you too, Carry."_

_And that night we were both back on the front line- or what we thought the front line was, tracking the movements of the bands of mysteriously allusive soldiers. One night they were in a pass, the next night they were in a totally different set of mountains! We were not on horseback this night, and the five of us in this scout group, including Raleigh, crept through the night, spaced evenly. The moon was just starting to peak over the horizon, to soon light our way- although it was also going to light _their_ way. _

_Suddenly I heard a muffled groan to my left and I looked over, peering through the trees for Calandra- but I could see nothing. I gave a low hoot, mimicking an owl to tell everyone else to halt for a moment while I crept over. But before I could find her I heard Raleigh shout out in a horrified fear, "RUN!"_

_Was this it? Were we surrounded- we had to be, if he was shouting. I ran, and stumbled over the torn and bloody body of Calandra. I barely had time to gasp before stumbling on, because I had heard someone behind me. _

"_Carry!" Raleigh shouted, grabbing my arm and followed him, winding through the trees, not having even once seen one of our attackers. There was a loud thunk as a knife sunk into a tree near Raleigh's head, and we ran faster, not even bothering to try for a certain direction, just _going.

_And then Raleigh stopped and I slipped on some leaves, falling down. Then I saw what had made him stop. Standing before us, and now around us, were five men. Something was odd about them, but I couldn't put my finger on it, until there was a growl behind me and I whirled around, to see a half wolf, half human in now ill fitting clothes standing before me. _

_In plain sight fur sprouted over his body and fangs sprouted from his mouth. My stomach rolled, although whether it was in disgust or fear I did not know. All around us, they were changing, and I heard a slicing sound as Raleigh drew his sword. In a quick motion he leapt forward, and to my surprise his sword sunk deep into one of the wolf things chest. He pulled it out- but the man didn't fall to the ground, and suddenly all the horrible rumors that were threading through the camp about superhuman soldiers flooded into my mind- the very rumors I hadn't paid a lick of attention to before- but I, as a Scout, had never been in direct combat. _They aren't trained wolves, _I thought hazily, of one rumor. _

_But then my senses returned and I let a knife slip into my hand from a sleeve, although I knew it couldn't possibly save me. Blurrily, I saw the wolves creep forward, preparing to attack, and then in a whirl of bodies several things happened at once. First, one leapt on Raleigh, and he fell back onto the ground, his head heading the ground with a sickening crack, then there was a shout, and from the distance I heard hoof beats, many of them, thudding onto the ground- our side. _

"_Raleigh!" I screamed, tearing out a knife and hurling it at the wolf standing over him. _

_They turned around, in momentary confusion and I thought briefly, _They don't want us to know…_ Then I saw a set of white fangs and a heavy weight pressed me down, claws sinking into my chest.. There was a terrible pain as the fangs sunk into my throat and ripped it out, but after that- blackness. There was blackness for an age until finally there was light. And it grew…_

Faolan's eyes jerked open and she leapt up, ignoring the pain still racing through her body, ignoring the awkwardness of moving like this, and she stumbled to the door, only aware of the memory of soldiers changing into wolves, of the pain of multiple sets of teeth sinking into her, only aware of fading in a blackness that had light at the end…

_They're werewolves!_ She thought, _They're werewolves and NO ONE knows, even now! No wonder we're losing the war! They're werewolves!_

_:Faolan!_: she heard Raul shouting in the back of her mind.

_:I have to tell them!_: Faolan screamed back, and she was screaming out loud too, clawing at a door she couldn't open with her half changed hands.

_:Not now!_: Raul was saying but Faolan didn't hear.

_:They're werewolves, Raul!_: she yelled and then she was howling instead of screaming, the door open and Rathmir appeared, saw the bundle of claws and fur that was Faolan and dropped down.

_:RATHMIR: _Faolan cried in her mind and through changing eyes saw the play of emotions across the Herald's face, _:THEY'RE WEREWOLVES!_:

"Faolan?" she whispered as the pain disappeared from Fao's body, taking some of her panic with it and she lay on the ground, breathing heavily, fully wolfish.

_:It's me:_ Faolan whispered back, staring up at Rathmir with horror filled eyes.

For a long moment they stared at each other and then Faolan pulled herself to her feet and almost at the same time Rathmir pulled Fao into her arms, hugging her tightly. Faolan submitted, letting the Herald push away the horror that was flooding through her.

A few minutes later Rathmir pushed Faolan away and, looking right into her blue wolf pup eyes, "Now- who's a werewolf?"

Faolan let out a low snort, licking her nose with the irony of that statement and said, _:THEM! The Karsites. Or whoever they are. They are werewolves.:_

"What makes you think that?" Rathmir inquired and Faolan heard Raul poking in and adding, _:Damn, you can't tell her Fao! Even now, you can't tell her!_:

_:I just know:_ Faolan wailed with a whimper, then said, _:Raul, how else will they believe me?_:and then to Rathmir, _:Because Carry Rolf was killed by them:_

"Who's Carry Rolf?" Rathmir asked intently, her hands resting on Faolan's wolf shoulders, her fingers brushing the necklace that still decorated Fao's neck, "Speak clearly, and tell me everything."

_:I can't: _Faolan said desperately then took a deep breath and said, _:I was bitten by a werewolf the night that Raul Chose me. Somehow, the whole combination of being tired, hungry, cold, bitten, Chosen… it awoke… memories. Carry Rolf was a Scout in the Valdemaren army. She died six years ago. She died by Raleigh's side. She died at the hands of werewolves.:_

Rathmir stared at Faolan for a long, long moment and the girl heard Raul cursing in the back of her mind. Then she pulled Faolan close once more and whispered, "Okay Faolan. Who knows you're a werewolf?"

_:The Queen and the Queen's Own and their Companions. The only people who know about Carry Rolf are Raul, Rolan, Noland, Marcella and-:_

"Conlan too, yes, he just told me," Rathmir nodded and stood up.

_Alaska probably suspects like hell too…_ Faolan thought grimly, standing up as well.

"We're going to see the Queen," she said and took off down the hallway, Faolan trotting behind and musing over the fact that Rathmir never once realized that in a different time, Faolan would have bitten her by now.

The halls were dark and lonely and Faolan trotted determinedly behind Rathmir, the silver pendent Alaska had given her bumping against her chest. They wound through the palace, parts that Faolan hadn't even wandered into, until they came to a set of double doors, where a single blue uniformed Guard stood.

He looked curiously down at Faolan, who grinned up at him intently as Rathmir said, "We need to see the Queen. Now. It's more important than anything else she could possibly be doing."

The Guard nodded, looking faintly surprised, and gave a slight knock on the door before opening and saying, "Herald Rathmir hear to see you."

"And Faolan," Rathmir added as she stepped in to a room where the Queen, the Queen's Own, and the Herald Lord Marshall all sat around a table littered with papers. The three white clad beings were all staring at Faolan with a mixture of surprise and fear.

"As in Trainee Faolan?" the Marshall inquired incredulously, peering behind Rathmir as if to see her over there. The door shut behind them.

_:Yes, as in Trainee Faolan:_ Faolan said directly into the Herald's mind and he sat back.

"She's a werewolf," the Queen's Own said.

The Queen sighed and rubbed her temples and then asked Rathmir, "Dare I inquire as to why you came?"

"Faolan…" Rathmir said, "Has some very interesting information for you."

Fao looked up at Rathmir in surprise, her expression very clearing saying that _she_ didn't expect to have to explain. But Rathmir only gave her a stern glare and so Faolan stepped forward and ducked her head in a bow to the Queen.

"Could you, sit her up here?" the Queen inquired of Rathmir.

Faolan gave Rathmir a funny looked as the Herald lifted her up and set her on the table so she could be more eye level with the three Heralds.

"Well?" the Queen asked as Fao stared at them.

_:What do I say, Raul?_: Faolan asked, reaching out for her Companion.

_:Do as you did with Rathmir. Imply that you can only remember one past life:_ Raul said, _:And remember that Rolan, the Queen's Own Companion, knows about your past lives.:_

_:Your Highness…:_ Faolan began, _:When I was bitten by a werewolf here in Valdemar, and that werewolf is now dead, certain memories surfaced in my mind. They entailed the life of Carry Rolf, a scout in the Valdemaren army who died six years ago. Only just tonight did one specific memory come to my mind in full awareness. It was the memory of her death- because they wouldn't have let her live once she knew. The Karsites, or whoever they have working for them, are werewolves too, Your Highness. I know because I saw them. They changed in front of my eyes and killed me. _That_ is how they've been slipping past our lines, _that_ is why they are very hard to kill. And I think that is why I came back again, so soon.:_

There was dead silence in the room. Faolan had projected her voice so that everyone heard, and even Rathmir, who had heard it in briefer words, was struck dumb. The Herald Lord Marshall gave a low cough, and looked at the Queen.

She nodded and then the Queen's Own spoke up, "Rolan confirms this."

The Queen then slowly began to speak, staring at Faolan, "This means a lot. Thank you Faolan. I see a true Herald sitting before me. Rathmir, you and Faolan may leave now."

Rathmir nodded and plucked Faolan off the table and with a bow, they left, leaving the three Heralds in a flurry of activity. Faolan felt that was a bit anticlimactic and she asked, _:So now we just sit here, uninvolved:_

"Correct," Rathmir said as they made their way back to her rooms. William was awake and the three of them sat on the bed, waiting, and listening to the sounds of doors opening and people beginning to walk around.

And Faolan whispered, _:I'm scared Rathmir:_


	26. Werewolf Herald

**A/N: Sorry about the long update time! I thought I'd uploaded it, but I'd really only put it into Documents... No wonder no one was reading it! Anyway, here it is!**

"I always thought you were a little too mature for a four year old," Rathmir whispered as the night drew on, running her fingers through Faolan's reddish fur.

_:I didn't try to conceal it much:_ Faolan answered, feeling more adult than she had before because finally, _finally_, someone knew.

"But you're still very much a child," Rathmir added, looking at William, where he stood gazing out the window towards the Companion's Field.

_:It's because there's more than one life in my head:_ Faolan said, _:I'm still Faolan… just… with a little more earthly knowledge on my hands.:_

"So much makes sense now," Rathmir said with a small chuckle, looking back down at the werewolf pup laying beside her on the bed, "Raleigh for one…"

A pain ran through Faolan's heart and she picked up her head to rest it on Rathmir's leg before saying, _:Rathmir… I think I might not live through the war.:_

"What makes you say that?" the older Herald asked.

_:I want to certainly- if only to be with Raleigh for a little longer. But- and I don't remember anything that happened after I died so I can only guess but… I think I came back so soon because I _had_ to. Because Valdemar needed me too. Because I was the only one who knew. And Raleigh- I don't think he's going to wake up anymore. If he was then why would I have come back:_

"Oh Faolan," Rathmir said and drew the girl into her arms again, hugging her tightly, "The Queen was right- you _are_ a true Herald."

_:My sole purpose here was to tell them they were werewolves. And I wasted so much time being afraid of that memory:_ Faolan said, feeling so bad that she squeezed herself closer to Rathmir, her eyes squeezed shut. A moment later she felt a weight on the bed on her other side and William's hand giving her shoulder a squeeze.

"Hey Fao," he said, "If there's one thing I can tell you- it's that life never does what you expect it to."

_:I always had the feeling that everything that happened to me happened for a reason…:_ Faolan mused as she cuddled up between the two Heralds, _:My being bitten and then Chosen… if either of those two events hadn't happened… If I hadn't been bitten I wouldn't have been Chosen, if I hadn't been Chosen I would have died… If neither happened I would have probably died too… They all added up to _create_ the scenario that would allow me to remember what had happened:_

"Faolan…" Rathmir whispered in her ears and before she knew it, she was slipping into an uneasy sleep.

Morning came quickly, and Faolan turned back into a human as the moon faded away. She got dressed, and Maemi and Kayin woke up- Faolan heard them playing in their bedroom. Soon someone came to watch over them, or at least watch Maemi. Kayin had started attending school.

Then Faolan, William, and Rathmir headed down to breakfast. The Great Hall was full of whispers, but no one seemed to know exactly what had happened and already rumors were rampant. Apparently everyone who knew something wasn't telling. Somehow though, most seemed to have got that it somehow centered around Faolan.

The room fell almost silent as they entered and sat down at a table. Faolan saw Christopher Alaska a few tables away and he gave her a grin and wink. Faolan smiled weakly back and tried to ignore the stares as she piled a few sausages onto her plate- going wolfish always made her much more hungry for meat in the mornings.

The three of them ate in silence, and when the bell rang for classes to start they quickly filed out ahead of the crowd and separated from William to head back to the Sommer's rooms. There had been no word yet from the Queen, nor did anyone else seem to know what was going on. Faolan wondered how many knew now that she was a werewolf and if _any_ knew about Carry Rolf. She doubted they would had let that one slip. In fact, she doubted any of the three informed about Carry Rolf the night before were the ones who spilled on her werewolfism- after all, she _had_ trotted through the halls at Rathmir's heels only slightly late at night, passing a few Heralds and trainees in the process. It even could have been the Guard…

"I guess we'll be changing your lessons around," Rathmir said inside her rooms, picking up Maemi and giving him a kiss on the nose, "Now that I know where your wellspring of knowledge is coming from."

Faolan blushed and nodded and said, "I guess I won't be a star pupil anymore… all my excelling was from prior knowledge."

"No," Rathmir shook her head, "You learned the new things quick too. You're doing great with your Gift training, picking it up much faster than most do."

"I am?" Faolan inquired, confused- hadn't she been doing horribly?

"Yes," Rathmir said with a smile, "I suppose you got some of that control from turning into a werewolf- am I right in guessing that you can turn whenever you wish?"

"Correct," Faolan nodded, wondering now, that everyone knew, or would know, if she could change any time and run about the field like a crazed puppy. It might be fun. She grinned.

Faolan went to Archery as normal- where everyone was too polite to ask her anything, but all the trainees stared discreetly at her as she flung arrows at the targets to the Weaponmaster's call. The day seemed to creep by infinitely slowly, and Faolan longed to know what was going on, what would change, what would _happen_. After lunch and a shower, she met up with Rathmir once again, blissfully away from the stares and whispers, and delved into some coursework that was more on Carry Rolf's level before practicing controlling her Empathy and Mindspeech.

That evening, Rathmir's room was swarmed by a horde of trainees- namely Alaska and Co. and the Girls.

"What's going on?" Danielle wanted to demand, "Faolan- half the palace says you're a werewolf, and the other half says the Karsites are werewolves…"

Faolan grinned at the eight Heraldic trainees all trying to squeeze into one room while Rathmir hovered by the edges, acting as something to hide behind for Maemi and Kayin. They all fell quiet once it became clear that Faolan was going to speak.

"It's true," she said and Alaska had on a sort of knowing look- she knew he suspected all along, "I'm a werewolf _and _the Karsites are werewolves."

"Why didn't you tell us?" Aine inquired from where she sat on the floor.

"It was a big enough sensation that a four year old was Chosen anyway- I didn't need the extra attention. Besides, it meant you got to know me before knowing I bite," Faolan said with a grin.

"Were you bitten by a Karsite then?" Keanu asked, leaning up against the doorway.

"Probably…" Faolan shrugged.

"Why now?" Alaska piped up, his quiet voice nevertheless penetrating the buzz that had started up again in the room.

"Because I realized that the man that had bitten me- after he changed back, was wearing the robes of a Karsite priest," Faolan quickly lied, "Which I hadn't before. I saw a picture of one in a book and made the connection."

"No _wonder_," Ranae whispered from behind the crowd.

"Can you change right now?" Tobie asked.

Faolan nodded slowly and said, "I can… And I have control over my wolf self as well. Most of the werewolves in tales were the ones who _couldn't_ control the Change and went rampant. So there's no worries."

"Yeah, I think we'd have noticed by now if a crazy wolf was in Faolan's bedroom once a month," Dunne chuckled.

"Okay, you've had your interrogation session, now out of my room!" Rathmir said, stepping forward and making shooing motions with her hands.

"You're a werewolf?" Maemi whispered from behind Rathmir once everyone had filed out. His eyes were wide and Faolan immediately felt bad.

"Yes," she said, sliding off the bed, "But I'm not a mean one Maemi. Want to see?"

He shook his head and said, "Werewolves are scary."

"But I'm not," Faolan insisted, stepping over to him, "Do I look scary now?"

"No," he shook his head.

"Then I'm not scary as a wolf. Besides, I don't turn into a big ole' wolf. I turn into a puppy. I'll show you," Faolan said and for the first time in over a year she pulled on her wolf self, urging it to come out.

The change went quickly- it got easier every time, and Faolan barely noticed the pain and in a few minutes she sat before Maemi, a lanky reddish hued wolf pup. He let out a squeal of delight and said, "I wanna be a werewolf Mommy!"

"No you don't Maemi," Rathmir said with a chuckle as Kayin came in from the other room, holding a blanket and looking in to see the commotion.

"Puppy!" she exclaimed, running over and petting Faolan with delight.

"It's Faolan," Maemi announced proudly.

"Fao?" Kayin asked in confusion, looking up at Rathmir and then back at Faolan.

_:Sometimes I worry about you Faolan:_ Raul stuck in, _:And losing control. But at times like these I realize you have iron control…:_

_:I'm just sitting back and waiting for my chance:_ Faolan remarked evilly back to Raul before licking Maemi's delighted face.

_:Somehow… I no longer believe you:_ Raul said and Faolan's wolf self almost bubbled up in anger- but the sight of the two children before her stopped her.

Then she snarled playfully and started chasing Kayin and Maemi around the rooms, barking and wagging her tale like a puppy with too much sugar, until all three of them collapsed on the rug in the playroom, panting and out of breath. Once Fao realized the other two were asleep she stepped up again, meeting the amused gaze of Rathmir before trotting back to where she had changed and her clothes were piled.

"You really are something, Faolan," Rathmir whispered as Faolan made the change back and climbed back into her clothes, and then on second thought, stripped them off again and pulled on pajamas, feeling entirely worn out.

"I got a second chance," she said quietly, sitting down on the floor and looking up at Rathmir, "I want to cherish every moment I'm in this life."

"Faolan…" Rathmir said softly, kneeling down near Faolan, "I don't think you're going to die any time soon."

"But if I do," Faolan started before Rathmir stopped her, "I want to have enjoyed every moment and if Raleigh never wakes up… well it wasn't like I expected to be able to see him again anyway."

"Faolan," Rathmir said again and squeezed the girl tightly.

The next morning Faolan awoke from her cot in Maemi and Kayin's room to hear Rathmir storm in and slam the door shut. It was early and Faolan wondered why the Herald had been up so early. Sleepily, she yawned, pricking her ears as Rathmir started loudly exclaiming to William.

"The very _fact_ that they came to me and not her shows that they're not thinking clearly!" Rathmir shouted, "They _know_ she's got the mind of an adult yet they tell _me_ before her! The very proposal suggests they're treating her as an adult but then…"

"Maybe they thought she'd rather hear it from you than them- that you'd be able to explain it to her more clearly," William's soft voice floated in.

"Faolan is not a child!" Rathmir growled, "She understands it when you speak!"

Faolan lifted her eyes to where Maemi was staring wide eyed at the door to the other room. She sighed and stood up, moving over to him with a slight smile before kneeling beside his bed.

"'Morning Maemi," she said cheerfully and a bit loudly, so the Sommer's would know they were up. She wasn't entirely sure she _wanted_ to overheard the rest of that conversation.

"You know…" William said, his voice softer, "I think they still might intend to tell her themselves. Maybe they wanted you to know so you'd hear it from them and not her. Maybe it's the other way around. You _did_ go poking around for information early in the morning."

"Perhaps…" Rathmir's voice was softer but then she cursed, "Still- I don't know _what_ they're thinking!"

"You said yourself she's got the mind of an adult," William said. Faolan stood up and quietly walked over to the door and pushed it open, slipped through and shut it again before facing Rathmir and the Weaponsmaster.

"What is it?" she asked.

Rathmir stared at her for a long moment and William only looked at his wife with a curiosity, his eyes asking her as well. She sighed and sat down heavily on the bed and William pulled her into his arms.

"Are you sure you want to hear it from me?" Rathmir asked and Faolan nodded.

So Rathmir slowly said, "They want you to spy. As a werewolf. In the ranks of those thrice cursed Karsites."


	27. The Werewolves

**A/N: Here is the first chapter I've ever put it without having anything written of the next... Guess I'd better get writing! Thanks to all who reviewed the last chapter!  
drifter950- thank you for your long reviews. I've been to the Queen's Own website, but never considered joining- (I think I found it for reference material...) Maybe I should!  
**

_Two years later…_

Faolan's nose twitched as she padded through the forest, her paws sinking into cool moss. It was dark, but Faolan's wolf eyes allowed her to see the woods as if lit by a lamp. Her wolf form was getting taller, and lanky, her paws still much too big for her body.

After she'd found out about her proposed use of a spy, there was a very hurried year of cramming information. In that time the tide for the war had changed slightly, with the knowledge of the werewolves- but that didn't make them any less quick or fast healing. Faolan was taught mostly wild survival skills and acting from a Herald that had been part of a traveling group of players before he was Chosen, and she even talked to a few Heralds that already _were_ spies. She worked ferociously at her Archery and the year had sped by- a blur of everyone giving her advice. And though six was still awfully young to be sent out in the field, the Heralds couldn't really afford to wait until she grew up- the war would be over by then. And, as the Queen knew when she gave Faolan her Heraldic Whites, Faolan was not _just_ a six year old.

"_Faolan!"_ she could hear Christopher shouting as if it were yesterday, and her ears twitched reflexively.

"_Here, Alaska!"_ She had shouted back, deep within the Companion's Field.

The Companions were all there, gathered around in a solemn circle to see her off. She'd been given Whites that day, specially made to fit her size. She was the youngest Herald to ever be made, and Raul was proud. But those Whites were only worn once, for she left the capitol in disguise, riding a gray 'horse' and wearing a brown cloak. And even Raul had only gone so far, for what wandering seven year old werewolf would manage to have a horse?

An owl hooted from somewhere in the distance and Faolan paused, staring into the distance, remembering Alaska's face as she rode away in the predawn light, remembering the way Rathmir had hugged her that one last time, with the knowledge that they may never see each other again. But now they were gone, memories in her mind. It was the now that mattered. And she was alone. Raul… was too far away for contact. And so Faolan was alone in the way that she had not since the night she'd been bitten.

"Arroooooo!" she howled into the night, her voice high and lonely and searching, searching for her kin that ravaged the Valdemar lines. There was no answer. There had never been any answer, not in the long nights that she had searched. She was afraid to go too near the battle lines- Valdemarens were shooting every stray wolf that crossed their path now, and Faolan didn't want to run that risk. In fact, many people had expressly forbidden her from going anywhere near the fighting. So she stalked the borders, searching for werewolves. Until one night, she found them.

This night the moon was full, and Faolan was werewolf by force and not choice. She had paused to lap cold mountain water from a stream when she saw another reflection in the water beside her, in the form of a very large wolf.

A cold shiver of fear ran through her body and she slowly moved her head to look at the wolf standing a few feet away. His eyes were greenish yellow, and colder than ice. His fur was gray, darker on top and varying on his face, and he stood about three feet tall at the shoulder, with huge paws that sunk into the mud beside the stream. Faolan's nose twitched- he stank of werewolf and blood, but it was a rich stink, and Faolan found herself attracted to it. His tail stood tall and erect and proud, and when he turned around and began trotting through the woods, Faolan knew he meant her to follow.

So she did, the two of them moving silently through the mild night, Faolan moving at a quick lope to keep up with the older wolf's ground eating strides, her nose right at his tail. They moved for miles, winding through the mountains, over streams and across gullies until Faolan's paws ached and the horizon glowed from the coming of the sun. Yet he kept going, quicker now, for the moon too, hovered at the horizon. Doggedly, Faolan kept after him, stumbling in the haziness of the predawn light.

And then, he stopped, halting so quickly that Faolan almost bumped into him. She blinked tired eyes and looked up at the werewolf. He was standing very still, the only movement on him was the wind ruffling his fur. Faolan sat down and peered up at him, for there was nothing different about the place he'd stopped, though there was a nice view. They peered down over a valley, black in the morning and small.

But then he howled, lifting his head back, closing his eyes, and letting out a bone chilling sound that lifted from his mouth as if it were his soul, rising into a crescendo and wavering over the valley, sad and lonely. When it was done he stopped and looked out over the valley expectantly. And innumerous howls answered him, high and low, young and old, strong and weak, emerging from all corners of the valley. _How many are there?_ Faolan wondered with awe as she listened to the unearthly chorus. And the wolf looked at Faolan, his greenish eyes now glowing with some sort of expectancy. So Faolan lifted up her head and howled, her voice high and puppyish but strong. And when she was done she looked back at the werewolf and could have sworn there was approval on his strong face.

That was when the moon disappeared. She felt it leave like one feels sun leave your face on a hot day, and it was as if her skin had suddenly become loose and prone to tearing, and she could just slip out of her werewolf form. But the older werewolf before her made no move to Change, so Faolan held onto her wolf self and followed him as he leapt down the rocks into the valley.

As they slipped through dark trees Faolan was suddenly aware that others were around them, slim dark shapes that sidled near them, just barely out of obvious sight. The fur on the back of her neck rose and fear threatened to run through her- for after all this searching she was finally in the holds of the enemy, those that would kill her if they knew her true identity. _Raul_… she thought forlornly, hoping the Companion would catch up now that she'd found the werewolves and could begin her true task. _And play the Herald in black_, she thought, _The spy and the betrayer…_

Then, just as suddenly as she noticed the other werewolves, she noticed that they threaded through what had to be a _village_. But the huts were made of living trees, and blended in, thick and secure. Amazed, she looked around, catching glimpses into homes where wolves writhed on the ground, pink skin pushing up out of fur and chewed bones mixed with carved bowls and soft skins of deer and elk.

They stopped once more in a clearing where in the center was a much larger home than those before, made of trees that had to have been saplings at the beginning of the war, and only that small if they had grown quickly. Sniffing the air, she realized they were willows and poplars, which were notorious for quick growing.

The werewolf moved inside the home, pushing past a door of stiff bear skin. Faolan slipped after him and found herself in a cool room, smelling of tree and blood and werewolf and human. The werewolf she'd followed was now changing back, his teeth tightly clenched as his claws changed into fingers. Faolan took this as a sign that she too, could change back, and this she did eagerly, wanting the use of a mouth to communicate with those who would steal Valdemar away.

"And where do _you_ hale from, pup?" the now man asked, his accent foreign, almost as hairy as man as he was as a wolf, both of them naked as the days they were born. Faolan shivered.

"Valdemar," she whispered, looking up at him with wide blue eyes. He leaned down and threw a fur at her, dressing himself quickly in light leathers.

"I'll find some furs for you in a bit," he said, "When were you bit? By who?"

"When I was three," Faolan answered, pulling the large fur around her tightly, "He was black furred."

"And pray tell me"- he stopped as a woman roughly shoved in, saw Faolan and immediately descended upon her, growling soft words. She was burly and strong, dressed in man's leathers, but she cooed just as some of the Heralds had. Fao liked her, but she looked past her at the startled man as she was embraced by the woman.

"Excuse me…" the man tried to put in.

"Yes, you're excused to go," the she-werewolf growled, "The girl's no spy, she's one of us."

_Well- at least they needed no convincing_, Faolan thought wryly. There were uses to appearing seven years old.

The man- and now Faolan saw he really couldn't be older than eighteen, but his beard made him look older, stormed out, bowing to the woman's stronger will. When he was gone Fao turned her sky blue eyes upon she who'd rescued her from interrogation.

"Is everyone here a werewolf?" Faolan inquired softly, though she knew the answer, making her eyes wide and scared.

"They are, child," the woman smiled and gave her another hug, "You'll be safe here, you're among your own kind now."

Faolan returned the embrace, and thought of what could have happened to her back when she was bitten, and she thought of the childhood that'd she lost because of it, and let the tears slip from her eyes. _Sometimes acting isn't just acting_, Faolan thought.

"My parents…" she started to whimper, but the she-werewolf shushed her gently.

A little later Faolan was left alone in the room as the woman left to fetch some child sized clothing for Faolan to don. It was warm, and little clothing was needed, especially not of heavy leather. She wondered if they wore anything else, or if it was a werewolf tradition to only wear the skins of prey. Did they hunt, like wolves, in packs? Something deep in her blood perked up at that thought and Faolan shivered, pushing down her excitement- for the woman had spoken a few words of truth. As a werewolf, she _was_ among her own kind, but she was also a Herald, and her true family was thousands of miles away, and dressed in white.

The woman returned with a tunic of soft leather that came to Faolan's knees and undergarments so thin and light Faolan wondered if they were sewn of mouse skins. The woman before her had long brown hair, thick, and tied back with a leather thong and there was dirt deep underneath her fingernails, and if Fao guessed right, there was probably more than dirt too.

"Now," she said, sitting down on the cool dirt floor. The sun was growing higher and higher and a thin light had made its way over the mountains to shine through the cracks around the bear skin door. _Did they slay a bear?_ Faolan wondered, but the woman werewolf was continuing to speak.

"My name is Magdalia," she said, "I'm somewhat of the leader here. Discipline is key to living as a pack. All the werewolves in the world start from this pack and this blood. You say your sire was black?"

Faolan nodded after a pause, confused for a moment by the term 'sire'. She supposed most werewolves not born here would consider the one who'd made them their new father or mother. The woman- Magdalia, frowned at the ceiling.

"He had green eyes," she volunteered, although she didn't know if all werewolves had green eyes at night or if they kept their human colors. The fact that hers were blue as a wolf didn't tell her much- after all, didn't wolf pups all normally have blue eyes?

"Where were you bitten, child?" she finally asked, her eyes puzzled.

"Uh… I lived outside Dufret…" Faolan said hesitantly, playing uncertainty.

"Well inside Valdemar," she said with a satisfied smile, "And here I thought you were another war casualty. If you don't mind me asking- what happened to Markku? The wolf that bit you?"

"He… died," Faolan said slowly and guiltily, looking at her calloused feet, "Papa cut his head off with a sickle."

Magdalia winced and the nodded, "That would do it. Listen Faolan- take him as your first lesson. A werewolf alone and unable to control his change always dies, no matter how many he brings down with him. Markku was once a brother of the pack."

Faolan nodded, but inside she felt sick. The werewolf that had bit her had always been a crazy beast in her mind- but now he took the form of a person, a living human being that Raul had killed. She remembered, vaguely, hearing wolfish cries of pain… _Markku_, she thought, and then, _I'm sorry. _She looked out through the crack between the bear skin and tree, and felt the slight breeze coming in through it, and realized what had never occurred to her before- _My enemies are human_.


	28. People in Wolfskins

**A/N: And here it is. Up the moment I finished it. Happy summer vacation everyone!**

Rain dribbled against the leaves outside the shelter, constant and soothing. Off in the distant thunder rumbled quietly, the last grumblings of a quieted child. Faolan's eyes glowed blue in the darkness, lit up by the faint light coming in from a flickering torch outside- lucky enough not to have been extinguished by the rain. There was a sigh from somewhere near and Faolan's eyes and attention briefly flickered that way. She was in a different shelter from the one she'd been introduced in; this one was larger and held Magdalia and her 'pups' as she called them. Each shelter seemed to hold an entire family, and they curled up like wolves on furs in the corners. Little was done inside shelters except sleep.

"_Carry!"_ she heard someone say, in a voice crying out with pain- it echoed, as if from far away through a winding stone tunnel, black with dangers.

"Raleigh?" she whispered, her eyes wide and staring.

A shadow moved and Faolan closed her eyes to see _a lanky form moving towards her, his eyes questioning and confused. And scared. I saw that once he was closer- deep, hidden back in those depths, he was terrified._

"_Carry?" he asked again, his eyes searching mine._

"_Sort of," I answered, standing up, and realizing that souls don't always correspond to physical appearance. He was probably seeing Carry, since that's the soul he recognized and body he associated with that soul. (Then why do I feel four feet tall?) _

A dream_, I sighed, looking over the man. His hair, unlike in real life, was still long, and tied back in a ponytail and he looked just as he had eight years before, nothing like the shell of a man lying in the House of Healing. _

"_Carry…" Raleigh said, dropping to his knees, "Where have you been?"_

_I peered at him, puzzled as to his question, so I said, "Learning. Telling. What about you?"_

"_Waiting," he answered, glancing behind him, "Watching. I can't ever find you, but the… the.."_

_He stopped with a shudder and closed his eyes before whispering, "They're all around us. I can't get away."_

_I thought wryly that here, yes, they _were_ all around. And you are in a coma far, far away._

_Around us trees appeared in a mountain I had once climbed over, searching for the enemy. I was Carry Rolf once more and this was the past. My eyes were wide in the darkness as I searched the valleys below for the movement of troops I would in the future learn were not all human. Cassandra, now dead, crept beside me, our ears in tune to the forest's whispering. Ahead, the Captain moved, swiftly, silently, stealthily, through the woods, tracking the footsteps of soldiers while we crept behind. _

_A howl rang through the night but we ignored it- a few wolves was no new concern, and we were deep in the wilderness of the mountains between the borders of Valdemar and Karse. Once we had their positions, Raleigh was going to report back to the Herald- Jamie Lauren, where he would transmit that information to the other Heralds, all over Valdemar. A communication system that couldn't be shot down by arrows. Sometimes I wondered what it would be like to hear voices in my head._

The next morning began as all mornings in the werewolf village began- with lots of noise. Faolan was woken by someone yawning loudly in her ear and there was some snarls and growls from even in human form as those who weren't early risers were jostled by those who were. Faolan opened her blue eyes and ran a hand through hair that had been recently brushed and now hung past her shoulders. The thin tunic she wore was soft against her skin and as she sat up she felt… cozy. For the year of searching she had dreaded this time, when she would live among those who killed her family and people but… it was different. The werewolves she had found were not the warriors, these were not those on the front lines. They were _people_. _And I must work against you_, Faolan thought grimly, glad werewolves couldn't read minds like she could- if she was careful.

The ten or so werewolves living in this particular shelter were all shoving out the door so Faolan stood, and followed them, listening to their chatters about meat and weather and war and love. None of it involved her, and few paid her any attention past her first day of introductions. It made her wonder how many stray werewolves wandered in.

Beside the center shelter was a great stone ring, and here a fire was burning, and what _appeared_ to be a whole moose was roasting itself slowly, skewered by a small tree. Noses were twitching from _that_ smell, including Faolan's. A few morning scuffles broke out, involving two or three werewolves rolling in the dirt, biting, kicking and scratching. One thing Faolan _did_ notice about these werewolves was that the werewolf part of them was very much alive in their human selves, where Faolan had pretty much managed to suppress hers. They were all proudly selfish, greedy, and power hungry, which made Faolan wonder how they managed to live in a pack at all. But they all agreed on one thing- the pack was life. Was this why they were fighting for the Karsites? For power? She knew _she_ had wanted to take over the world in the early stages of her change…

The sun was appearing over the mountains and the dawn air was fresh and Faolan allowed herself to enjoy it- spy or no. The dirt under her feet was soft against her calluses and everything smelled of pine and meat.

"Oy Red!" a girl shouted from behind and Faolan felt a shove to the center of her back. She whirled around before losing her balance, glaring at whoever was behind her.

A short haired girl of about ten stood there, smirking, wearing a tunic almost identical to Faolan's. Her eyes were such a rich brown they were almost red- yet the rest of her face was rather plain and she was skinnier than a stick, but wiry at the same time. She laughed at the expression on Faolan's face.

"Too stuck up to wrestle?" she asked and Faolan paused- wrestle? Her wolf self, more awake than ever among other wolves, growled happily in response but Faolan hesitated. _Wrestle_?

"Wolves are a pack," the girl said, "I'm Taryn. You're Faolan."

Faolan felt like sighing, for in truth, with the bright sun beginning to glint over everything, she didn't really feel like rolling in the dirt- Taryn leapt. In moments Faolan was flailing on the ground, struggling to get to her feet and get the _wildcat_ that was Taryn OFF of her! And then she was sitting on top of the older girl, her hands digging into her shoulders and their eyes locked.

"You win," Taryn said with a grin and Faolan stepped off of her, standing up glaring at Taryn in mixed confusion and anger.

_There is nothing her to tell the Heralds about,_ Faolan thought as some of the older werewolves lifted the moose off the spit and the feeding fight began. She waited in the back until everyone else had calmed down to move forward and get herself a scrap of meat for breakfast. _And no matter what anyone says, people need more than just meat to live_.

_:Werewolves aren't people though, are they?_: a voice put in and Faolan jumped from where she had sat down to chew at the fat dripping piece of moose she had found for herself.

_:Raul?_: she asked incredulously, feeling out for the Companion whom she hadn't spoken to in a month or so. Warmth flooded her body and Faolan recognized the mental arms of the Companion wrapping around her.

_:Faolan, Chosen, how do you fare?_:Raul asked, her mindvoice faint now that Faolan recognized it. The Companion was still far away.

_:Well:_ Faolan said, nibbling at the meat, _:These werewolves I find myself among… they are not the ones we fight. They are the friends and family left behind. There is little I can learn from them, Raul, and how can I go among the soldiers?_:

_:You _can_ learn from them:_ Raul insisted and Faolan felt her looking out through her own eyes at the werewolves she ate with, _:Watch. Wait. Listen. Learn. They know more then they let on. They can tell you where they are from, why they fight, their goals and loves and hopes and failures. They can give you their secrets, if you take the time and effort to do it. I have faith in you Faolan- and it is so wonderful to hear your voice once more.:_

_:I've missed you too, Raul:_ Faolan thought, thinking longingly of introducing her as a horse- but werewolves rode no horses, and then, because the Companion's words had spurred remembrance of her dream, _:I dreamed of Raleigh last night. Do you know how he's doing?_:

_:I have heard nothing- but that can only mean he still sleeps love. If he wakes, you shall be the first to know and if…:_ Raul left it and that and Fao felt something inside her clench. _He will not die_, she thought to herself and bit fiercely into the meat.

_:I will speak with you later, Fao:_ Raul said, _:And you can tell me all you know. Goodbye.:_

_:Bye, Raul:_ Faolan answered, feeling the Companion slip away and feeling a little sadder and a little happier for it.

A few minutes later Taryn came and sat beside her and the two werewolves both mused in silence, watching the sun grow higher in the sky, thinking thoughts a world apart from each other. Once the entire pack was satiated with meat the young werewolf that had found Faolan stood and beckoned all those under the age of fifteen, (there were none older beside him until the age of thirty), to follow him and Faolan stood with the rest. Only those unable to walk or talk did not go.

They wove through the trees, like every day, until they reached what Taryn whispered to Faolan was called the Rocks. It was no creative name- the area was rocky and pitted with crevices and pillars of stone. Between the woods and the beginning of the Rocks was a stretch of sandy scrub where Faolan learned that werewolves did fight with weapons. Of course- she had seen them do so. Each of them, there was about thirty all told, was handed a bow and a quiver of arrows and set before a target. This was Faolan's favorite part of the day. The targets were painted rawhide, and, this always gave Faolan shivers, they were all white. They were hung on the rocks and studded with holes and pockmarked from the practice. So Faolan knew that though she was not among warriors, she was among those that would one day take arms up against Valdemar. She practiced archery with her enemy.

Faolan, that warm and sunny day, found herself situated near the end, next to Taryn again- the wolf girl was beginning to stalk her. The one who taught them, he who had found her, was named Skylar. He was good at Archery, but no where near the skill of the Heraldic Weaponsmaster. And those he taught were all clumsy beginners. Well, mostly. A few were okay, and a few were better than Faolan for she too, was truly a beginner.

They started only twenty yards from the targets, each with twelve arrows in their quivers, spiked into the ground, all painted black and peeling. The tips were only sharpened wood- Faolan suspected the only steel they had was stolen. These people were no blacksmiths, they were a nomadic, bandit people. At that moment, Faolan felt a surge of rage at the werewolves. How could they live so happily and peacefully knowing their kind was slaughtering Valdemarens? How? Why? But then she quieted, because that's why she was there, to find the _why_.

Standing there, as one of them, Faolan pulled arrows from her quiver to the call of Skylar and releasing again at his call. She quickly sunk into the rhythm of drawing, knocking, and shooting, and the dull thunk of the arrows sinking into the rawhide. Some arrows hit near the center, others flew off into the rocks, but it didn't matter. The rhythm mattered. Around her other arrows thudded into their targets, before hers of after hers, and the whistling of arrows filled the warming air.


	29. The Dog Within

**A/N: Heyla! I'm ahead of myself again so no worries yet about updates. Got some more ideas for Faolan, looking forward to writing it. Thanks to all reviewers, you make this story possible!  
Snowbear**

Later that day Faolan sat on a log with Taryn, poking at the dirt with a stick. It was free time, designated, for the days of these werewolves was strictly regulated. Those older than thirty did the labor, and those younger not fighting were constantly being schooled. Weaponry, as Faolan had been shown, was one of them, and they seemed to assume everyone wanted to go to war, yet also… everyone _did_ seem to wish to fight with their brothers and sisters on the front lines. _There cannot be a race of killers_, Faolan thought, for the only one thing connecting them was their werewolfism and _Faolan_ herself didn't wish to fight… After a break from weaponry came lunch and then was time spent in tactical and strategy training. This was done more subtly, in the form of playing on the rocks, moving in teams and chasing one another. It was a bit of a miniwar in itself. Players would try and capture and then 'kill' all opponents, which could be done once an opponent was totally helpless. It was, Fao quickly realized, extremely fun, although the fact that she knew the werewolves that had killed Carry had probably trained in this game dampened the joy quite a bit.

But now was free time, and so Faolan poked the dirt with a stick. Taryn was staring at the sky, and both were silent, such that the forest noises could be heard in perfect detail. They were a ways off from the camp, but the camp could still be heard as well.

"I'm worried about my sister," Taryn finally said and Faolan glanced over at the older girl, unsure of where this was going, pulled from her musings about eavesdropping on the elders who, so far, had said nothing about the war.

"Why?" Faolan finally asked, her blue eyes curious.

Taryn sighed and slid down off the log to lean up against it, her hair getting stuck to the bark, "She's fighting now. She's fifteen, well sixteen now. She left last year. Sometimes they come back quick but others… They need time. And for every five that go, only three come back. What if she becomes one of the lost two?"

Faolan stared down at the dirt, pondering her answer. Would a direct question about fighting seem too obvious? Should she try prying, or would her curiosity be suspicious? She sighed and shrugged at Taryn and finally said the only thing she could, "You gotta hope."

_The longer her sister lives_, Faolan thought sadly, _The more likely she is to kill my people- so I want her dead._

But looking at Taryn, Faolan felt guilty for wishing such a pain upon a girl who so far had shown herself to be nothing but supportive. _And someday _YOU_ will go to kill my people too_. It made Faolan want to growl. _Why?_ she wondered angrily, _It can't be for the money, I see no need for money among these peoples. And you're certainly not blood thirsty monsters doing it for the kill… So WHY are we fighting this war? Why are our people dying?_

Faolan suddenly felt an arm drape across her knees and she looked over at Taryn. The girl was smiling gently and Faolan glowered, feeling tempted to shove the arm away. She held the feeling back.

"If there were another way we'd do it, right?" Taryn asked and Faolan stared at her, mystified.

"Sure," she finally said, and Taryn stood.

"Let's go to the game," the plain faced girl said, her almost red eyes dancing with excitement, "And forget the war, right?"

"Okay," Faolan stood as well, following Taryn as she darted barefoot through the trees, swiftly, silently, just the way she would to avoid scouts like she had once been…

The next day, over breakfast, Faolan overheard Skylar talking to Magdalia- the two that were the most in charge as far as Faolan could tell. She'd overheard them talking before, so at first she paid little attention to the words dancing over her head until a word caught her attention.

"…a Companion?" Skylar asked, his voice sounding worried.

"Or a white deer," Magdalia admitted, "My source isn't too trustworthy."

"Who was it, Shaun?" Skylar asked with a half laugh, "It was probably a white _rabbit_ in that case."

"Still- if this valley is found…" Magdalia's voice trailed off and she noticed Faolan watching them intently.

She smiled and Skylar nodded and wandered off. Faolan quickly glanced back at her breakfast, which was warmed moose from the day before. A moment later she felt a touch on her shoulder and looked back up to find Magdalia standing over her.

"Could you come with me, Faolan?" she asked and Faolan nodded quickly, standing up as her heart gave a lurch in her chest. _Please be all right, Raul_, she prayed as she followed Magdalia through the crowd of munching werewolves and their barbaric slavering over the meat.

Once they were away from the others Magdalia kneeled down, looking at Faolan seriously. Fao's heart crawled up into her throat and she stared back at the woman, feeling terrified and small.

"Faolan?" she asked softly, "If you need anyone to talk to, you can come to me, you know that, right?"

"Uh," said Faolan, blinking at Magdalia stupidly and wondering if she heard right, her mind on Raul, who undoubtedly _was_ the Companion sighted. If it was a Companion. She hoped it had been a white rabbit.

"Faolan… the bond of being a werewolf stretches beyond the ties of a nation," Magdalia said, "The Valdemarens stopped being your people the moment you were first forced out on your own. Your parents _did_ throw you out, right?"  
Faolan nodded slowly, for it was a truth… in a way. Although she hadn't been a werewolf when she'd run away. Her fear was beginning to fade as she realized Magdalia thought she still felt like a Valdemaren- which she did, but Magdalia couldn't know that.

"Never will you find a more loving family than with a pack of werewolves," Magdalia said and Faolan felt like growling, for she knew the Heralds were better, and she missed Rathmir terribly as she thought of it.

"Okay," Magdalia said, "Well… if you ever have trouble coping with who or what you are, just come to me. I'm here for questions."

Faolan's ears pricked at that. Could she ask now? Magdalia had opened to the door for it… So Faolan leapt. She paused a moment, letting out a shy sputter to grab the werewolf's attention before speaking.

"Um…" she said, looking at her feet, and not at Magdalia, "Why… why do… why do we fight?"

She was very careful to say _we_, because anything else would show her disassociation from the pack.

Magdalia sighed and looked up at the trees above them, before giving Faolan a sad smile, "It's a long story Faolan, and goes back to the very beginning of werewolves. Just wait, the tale will be told on the next full moon, as it is every month, to remind us why we are. Have patience, I couldn't tell it too you like Skylar can."

"Okay," Faolan nodded, feeling truly satisfied. If it was open like that, then she need do no mind prying. Rathmir had once spoken to her about the ethics of her Gift, but Fao was fairly sure that spying was one of the situations where mind reading was allowed. However, she had just mastered centering and grounding and only the basics of sending and shielding, before she was sent off. In order to listen in she'd have to drop her shields, figure out who she was listening to, pick out their voice, and do it all so they didn't 'feel' someone poking about in their heads.

_I could train myself_, Faolan realized suddenly, as Magdalia led her back to the pack, _I did it with Archery. Raul could help me even though she's far away… And then, if I could read Skylar and Magdalia's minds like that… _

As it turned out, telling the 'tale' wasn't all that was due to happen the next full moon. Faolan was to be Initiated into the pack as well. Those who were born a member of the pack went through the Initiation as babies, on their first change, but since that wasn't possible with newcomers they were traditionally scheduled on the next full moon. No one would say what the Initiation entailed, but Faolan could tell from their expressions and tones of voices that it wasn't anything bad or painful, so she worried little about it.

That night Faolan and Taryn were taken aside by Skylar and led off to the Rocks, alone. It happened over dinner, with Skylar catching their eyes and motioning them over. He would answer no questions and Taryn was silent as well, giving Fao no hint of what was to come. The night was dark for the moon was waning and cast little light through the trees that night. Pines needles crackled beneath their feet until they emerged upon the lighter area of the Rocks, where the litter was shrub and dirt.

Skylar sat on a rock, his shape silhouetted against the faint light, outlining the strong and burly young man that he was, and shadowing his face in darkness. Taryn sat down, cross legged, at his feet, her expression expectant, so Faolan did the same.

"Tonight," Skylar whispered, "Is your true training. This is the training that makes your blood, keeps your life, and is your deepest sorrow. Because werewolves are social, group creatures by nature, we train in two, Faolan. You're with Taryn, because Taryn seems to be with you."

Taryn and Skylar grinned at that, but Faolan didn't know what to make of it, so she spoke up, softly and puzzled.

"What training?" she asked Skylar the Werewolf, wondering if this had anything to do with the Initiation ceremony.

"Werewolf training," Skylar said, his voice intense, "_Change_ training."

"The blood, the life, and the sorrow!" Taryn piped up, "You have any control, Fao?"

"Shh," Skylar gently rebuked the older girl and ran a hand through his tangly mess of hair atop his head, pausing a moment to take in the night.

"Taryn…" he finally said, "I think I'll have you go first. You have a strong enough control, so if Faolan loses it you can keep her from doing any damage. You're both puppies, so there'd be little harm either way, but I'm taking no chances. I'll stay human, to watch with a clearer mind."

Taryn nodded and almost immediately Faolan saw gray fur sprouting up from her skin, and saw Taryn face's squint with pain- or was it concentration?

The ten year old Faolan knew was swiftly dwindling down to a lanky wolf pup, a bit bigger than Faolan was in wolf form. Her change went smoother than Faolan's ever did, and Taryn let out no squeak of pain, for which Faolan admired her. When she was done she sat and looked at Skylar, watching his face for instruction, but Fao sensed, with the Empathy she couldn't always _totally_ Shield, that underneath that façade was a vicious wolf ready to tear through the woods, even with the control she had. It made Fao puzzled, for hadn't Skylar said she had good control? Taryn's seemed elementary at best, like momentary stilling a wild beast- no true taming.

"Now you, Faolan," Skylar said calmly so Faolan pushed away her own concerns and, with trepidation, nudged at the wolf deep inside her. It eagerly burst from within her, closer to the surface from being around so many others who shared the same affliction.

_All of them_, Faolan thought as she withdrew from her body to avoid the pain of the change, _All of them make this change. Every one. Every one has the same beast inside of them… How do they live with it? How can they stand it? I have being a Herald, I have Raul, and they only have each other. Why are they not a pack of wild beasts, living deep in the Pelagirs? How did a society come from this?_

When the Change was complete Faolan found herself in her body again, in fully wolf pup form. She whined slightly and looked at Skylar, as Taryn had, to find, with her better night vision, a look of confusion and almost horror upon his face. Confused and upset at this, Faolan glanced around, wondering if this was truly directed at her. _What?_ she wanted to ask. Taryn too was staring at her, the beast that she had become struck dumb by… what?

She lay day on the ground, her own beast subdued by submissiveness. If Taryn had been jumping about… but no, so the wolf crawled away, living Faolan in it's skin. She tried wagging her tail gently but Skylar still stared, his eyes inscrutable. Finally he gave a low cough and looked away, mumbling something under his breath before looking back at her.

"_Not_ what I expected," he muttered incredulously with a hint of.. (disgust?) in his voice, "Definitely _not_ what I expected."

Faolan whined, upset by his lack of acceptance. She was just like Taryn… right? She sat up now and looked at the other wolf for support. The girl changed wolf stared back at her with eyes that were soft and brown, just like Taryn the Girl's. That answered her question about eye color anyway. Looking closer Faolan saw that her coat too, was browner, while Faolan's had a reddish tinge to it. _As human, as wolf_, she thought, and, bored by the lack of action, gave a large yawn and lay down, resting her head on her paws to stare forlornly up at Skylar.

"Both of you change back. Now," he said crisply and stood up.

Startled, Faolan began to obey before even thinking about it. The fur slipped away and her bones shifted back into shape. Too grounded to leave her body, Faolan felt the pain of the Change this time, and couldn't resist giving out a small cry of pain at the peak of the Change. The woods around her was silent, and when Faolan was human again and had pulled her clothes back on, she felt shame for making such a noise of it.

"What's _wrong_ with you?" Taryn immediately asked as _she_ pulled on _her_ furs, her voice as Skylar's had been.

Faolan only stared at Taryn, but Skylar answered back, sharply, "Be quiet Taryn. Nothing's wrong. She's just different. She wasn't raised among werewolves… it only makes sense. I suppose there you only get the opposite ends of the spectrum with the wild raised ones. Most of the ones who come to us have no control at all and the wolf tears them up inside, eating their human mind until nothing is left but beast. Faolan is simply the opposite."

_Isn't the opposite better?_ Faolan wondered, looking at Taryn, _I don't want to kill anymore. Is that why you fight? Because you have no true control?_

"Faolan…" Skylar sighed, but then stopped and turned to Taryn, "You can go. Thank you for your help but I think I'll work with Faolan alone until she's ready for wolf on wolf interactions."

Once Taryn had scampered off into the woods sullenly, Skylar added, "You seemed odd when I first met you, but I thought you were just scared in quietness."

"I'm not sure I understand…" Faolan started but Skylar cut her off with a wave of his hand.

"Let me speak first," he said, "I'm going to ask you questions in a moment. Faolan… it seems to me, and I apologize for my rude reaction, that you are not only controlling your change, but you have… overpowered and pretty much chained up your other half. You were feeling pain when you Changed, correct?"

"Yes…" Faolan said, confused. She'd never felt anything _but_ pain, it hadn't occurred to her that wasn't natural.

"The Change should not hurt Faolan. It should _never_ hurt. Taryn, who was born a werewolf, for a werewolf is made by blood _or_ bite, has never felt an ounce of pain in her life, while it is clear you feel pain every time you change. Those bitten later in life usually experience pain in their change the first few times, until they totally succumb to their wolf self and become crazed, as Magdalia tells me Markku became, the werewolf that bit you. He was born a werewolf, but he lost his humanity. A werewolf is not a wolf, nor is he or she a human. We are humans _and_ wolves. Remember that Faolan. You, however… seem hardly wolf at all," Skylar said, his voice quiet and patient.

Faolan stared up at him, feeling sick and confused and overwhelmed by what he was saying, for she thought she understood. The idea that the Change could _not_ hurt… She wanted to cry for the years of lying along in her room was she struggled through the change from human to wolf in the dark, with no one who could help her or tell her what to do. _I want it to not hurt_, Faolan thought.

"How?" she whispered to him, her voice barely audible but fervent.

"Who trained you?" Skylar asked, ignoring her question, his voice wondering and a bit awed, "Who helped you lock part of yourself away, tight inside, in that dark place you must be suffering in? What magic…?" But there he stopped with a short laugh and shook his head, "You must be mentally powerful… Didn't your parents throw you out once it became apparent you had become what had bit you?"

"Uh," Faolan said.

"Then who put the pressure on you to make such a shift within yourself?" Skylar inquired, his voice holding no suspicion.

Faolan thought of the times within the shelter, deep in the woods, alone with Raul, and the fire burning dully behind Raul as she shouted at her. _:Hold it:_ Raul shouted,_ :Hold it back! You can control it, Faolan:_ But there was no way she could tell that to Skylar… Nor could she reveal her mind gifts, for though these werewolves seemed little like Karsites, everyone knew how _they_ treated the Gifted, and the werewolves were working for Karse. And as she was a Valdemaren… it would associate her far to closely with Heralds, and she didn't want them to think she was about to be carted off by a white demon in the form of a horse.

"Sorry," Skylar said suddenly and Faolan looked back up at him, "You clearly can't answer that. I suppose it's possible you did it yourself. How old were you? Four? With such environmental stress… but being a wolf should have _helped_ you survive, not be detrimental…"

"There was no wild," Faolan spoke up, the answer coming to her as he had spoken, "Only people. Farms, towns… no wood, or wild. I had to push it away… else they'd kill me."

And then Skylar laughed and said, "Dog!" with another laugh and he patted Faolan on the head, shaking his head incredulously.

"You're no wolf, you're a _dog_!" he chuckled a little longer and then sighed, leaning back and stretching, "Well, its time you became the wolf you really are."


	30. Looking Inside

**A/N: And the next chapter... **

"Its time you became the wolf you really are," Skylar said, his voice turning serious again after his outbreak of amusement. Faolan only watched him, having no answer to his statement. She was intensely curious, for she _was_ a werewolf, no matter how much a Herald, and she wished to know these werewolves, how they lived, and learn more about the wolf inside her. And it was all being offered with open arms. There was no trap, no poison within the love- werewolves _accepted_, unconditionally- well, you had to be a werewolf, but that was it. Yet the Herald part of her, the part that Raul had Chosen to become a Herald, winced away.

_I'm not one of you!_ she wanted to shout at the same time as, _Show me what you know!_ She wanted to disassociate, and not befriend them. But she _liked_ Skylar, and she liked Taryn and Magdalia. She liked these people who sent out their friends to kill her people, to hurt Valdemar. _No one every said spying would be so hard_, Faolan thought, _And all for the wrong reasons. I expected it to be hard to keep my secret, to live amongst enemies… but they never said the enemies would be like friends. They never said I could _like_ them. _

"I think the Change still hurts you because you're keeping yourself in bars," Skylar said, unaware of Faolan's conflict, his gaze distant, "So every time the moon turns big and round, your wolf self must _break_ out, _break_ through your self hate and misery. And when you Change not on the full moon, as you just did and obviously have before, you're doing it against your unconscious will. It's time you and your self get to know each other, because you're not hating a wolf, you're hating _yourself_, and _that_ is what hurts."

Fao stared up at him, feeling half like crying and half like laughing, for Skylar was giving her the information Raul had never been able to, simply because _no one knew_. She wanted _so badly_ to take what Skylar was offering, but she wasn't sure if she should. She had managed to live with her wolf self locked up, for she was certainly happy in her years at the Heraldic Collegium, though short they were. But the true joys had been few… Mostly, she'd been serious, controlled… self hating?

Skylar kneeled down and hugged Faolan, wrapping his bare, strong arms around her and giving a tight squeeze before pulling away. There was a smile on his face when Fao looked at him again and she couldn't help but smile back- it was that contagious.

"Big, huh?" he asked and Faolan nodded slowly, feeling more calm and confident than a moment before. She would learn what he had to teach, she would accept the werewolves, for she was a werewolf. She _was_ one of them. But even with them, she was first and foremost a _Herald_, and she could never forget that. _It's okay to learn from your enemies_, Faolan thought, smiling up at Skylar, _And enemies… I guess they can be friends, too. Living with you, I think maybe I can teach you something too. Because I don't believe you're going to war because you're evil savages… So there must be another way, one where you don't kill my friends, my family, and my people. Ones where you don't kill Carry Rolf and put Raleigh into a coma… There has got to be a better way._

"Show me?" Faolan asked, her eyes serious.

"All right," Skylar said, giving her a warm smile, "You can always feel your wolf self, I can tell, even though you have yours in a closet. I can see where you think that's the right way, because one's wolf self seems rather… evil, upon first encounters. But she's not because you're not. Me and my wolf self are so at peace with each other they are no longer distinct personalities. Werewolves, when they get angry, get _angry_, but because they work _with_ their wolf self, it never goes overboard. What I want you to do, right now, Faolan, is open up that door. Don't try and change, don't try and _not_ change, just look at your wolf self and say 'hi', okay?"

Faolan nodded and closed her eyes, searching within herself. Her wolf self was there, hiding in waiting, as it always was, and the moment she started looking it was there, growling. _Hi_, Faolan thought, holding back her instinct to shove that growl part of herself away. She felt the wolf burn through her, not in a Change, but in her blood. Yet it was not part of her. There, but not part. Faolan had pushed it away to hard to just let it come out all of a sudden. She looked up at Skylar, wondering what to do next.

"Good," he said with a smile, encouraging and kind, "And enough for tonight. Pressing never works. Two days will give you time to practice acknowledging your wolf self, merging to the two together. Two nights from now we will change together, and perhaps go for a romp in the woods," he said with a grin and wink and Faolan knew he was speaking to her wolf self, and that wolf self was growling inside her in appreciation.

_That wolf self is me_, Faolan thought as they stood and made there way back through the woods, _It's all me, and I've been doing it wrong all this time_. It was odd, to think of Changing wrong, because it was a Companion who taught her such, and together it seemed reasonable. But now… sitting among those who Changed in peace and happiness, things were different.

Faolan fell asleep that night thinking of Christopher Alaska, because he was truly the first who knew she was a werewolf, even though she never formally told anyone until she remembered Carry Rolf's death. He knew, somehow… but he knew, and Fao knew he knew. His had been a quiet acceptance, and Faolan, curled up on a bear fur under a shelter made of living trees, could see him thinking of her as Faolan the Werewolf, instead of Rathmir, where she was just Faolan, wolf, human, or whatever form she might take. Others, like the Queen and Rolan and Aram and the Queen's Own, thought of her as a Herald with a _unique_ quality. No words like werewolf could be used around _them_ much, it was all dainty avoidance terms there. Only from Alaska did she get _true_ acceptance, _true_ understanding of what she really was.

The next day traded smiles brought Taryn back to her side, but Fao got the feeling Taryn thought of her as 'different' after that. They played together, talked about weapons and war and the Rocks game, but now, Taryn saw her as more than just the new werewolf, and they talked about it a little more too. And Taryn pointed something out that made Faolan a little bit nervous.

"You're calm too," Taryn said as they sat in the top of a pine tree they'd just scrambled up, "A lot of newcomers, kids, anyway, they're really emotional. They cry a lot, and stick to Magdalia, cause they've been so long without love and acceptance. But you… you walk in and you're cool with everything. It's like you expected to find us sooner or later."

"I kind of did," Faolan admitted, "I mean… Markku had to come from somewhere, right? After living on my own for a while, and getting to the point where I was pretty much a weredog… I got sick of it. And I decided that there had to be others out there, those who weren't crazy like Markku so.. I set out to look for you. And Skylar found me. So here I am."

"You're cool, Fao," Taryn said with a grin, bouncing a little on her branch and make the pine needles brush against each other, "I thought your Change was weird at first, but Skylar says you'll be normal soon, and… it's cool. Wanna go swimming?"

Faolan nodded, because she did, and it was hot. But she was also nodding to what Taryn had said, and she realized too, at that moment, that Taryn was a friend. Everyone at the Heraldic Collegium had been older than her. She'd been surrounded by many big brothers and big sisters, guardians and watchers… but no true friends. She definitely called Alaska a friend, but he wasn't the kind of person you could just _play _with. And she never really got to know his friends and the girls… they were sisters, while Maemi and Kayin were like younger siblings. Though they were the same physical age, she really couldn't mentally relate too well, but Taryn was old enough that Fao could look up to her and talk to her, and that was something she'd been missing.

When they reached the foot of the tree, their bare feet pressing against pine needle once more, Fao said to Taryn, "I like you too, Taryn."

Taryn grinned and they chased each other to the stream, which was a ways off from the village, but close enough that water could easily be carried or fetched when needed. There was a place where the rock in the ground made the stream widen and deepen, forming a slower moving pool about three feet deep in the center. The bottom was all rock still, slippery with algae, and the water was icy cold from the mountain tops, but Faolan liked it like that.

The two tore off their clothes the moment the stream was in sight and leapt in, naked and with splotchy tans from wearing clothing, and giggling so much that the shock of the cold water almost knocked the air from Faolan as she landed and sunk in. She struggled for a purchase with her feet as she sputtered to the top, strands of red hair dangling in her face. She looked at Taryn and giggled again, for the other girl's hair was also soaking and dangly.

"Brrr," Taryn said with a grin, which Faolan quickly caught.

"Mmm," Faolan answered, jumping up and down on the less slippery rock she'd found to stand on. The sharper ones cut into her feet, but not enough to do any damage.

Taryn ducked under water and frog kicked her way around the pool, bubbles marking her passage on the surface and she came up on the other side of Faolan, gasping for breath and laughing.

"No fishies in here!" she announced, "None we can catch and sink our claws into!"

She snarled and clenched her hands into claws, miming holding a live, wriggling fish. Faolan laughed until she saw the girl's skin darkening with fur. She stopped short, slightly scared and not sure of what to do. When Taryn noticed Fao's expression she stopped.

"Huh?" she said at first and then, "Oh," and the fur disappeared and then, "Sorry. I forget- Skylar mentioned I shouldn't play Change around you yet."

"Oh," Faolan said, feeling uncomfortable, so she jumped up and down a bit to get the blood moving in her body- the water was _cold_.

"No worries," Taryn said, "I don't mind. A lot of new werewolves have troubles- yours are just different, right?"

Faolan smiled and nodded, "I guess so."

"Right," Taryn said, a grin brightening her face once more, "Let's go look for crayfish."

"Sure," Faolan said, ducking under the water and opening her eyes. The water was very clear, so she could see right to the bottom where the algae covered rocks lurked to trip the unwary. But crayfish liked shallower waters, so Faolan only looked in the deep for fun, with Taryn, turning over rocks and stirring up mud in the silence beneath the water, only coming up for air and giggles.

**A/N: For those who are interested in role playing, I'm working on a Valdemar RPG on avidgamers 1.0. The URL is Go check it out!  
**


	31. To Be A Wolf

**A/N: Thanks to those who keep reviewing! And for my reviewers... another chapter. (Even if you think this story is bad, boring, or blah, please review and _tell_ me that so I can change it!) Also- if you're a role player (or not), check out my new Valdemar RPG. Just follow the link to my homepage.**

Faolan continued to meet with Skylar, alone, to learn to gain what Skylar termed as true control over her werewolf self. Because, as he explained, hers was no true control. What she had was a very abused wolf, abused into submission and thus _apparently_ tame. But no wolf abused like that is truly under one's control, and when you grow lax, they leap out and kill you or someone else. It gave Faolan chills to imagine _her_ wolf leaping out suddenly one day at the Heraldic Collegium…

_I came here to spy_, she thought, _But now I'm here to learn…_

By the time the next full moon rolled around Skylar termed her almost ready to accept herself. He hadn't had her change yet after all, so the first day of the three forced Changes would be her first Change since her first meeting with Skylar. That day, before the Change was among them, the werewolves were all very busy. The clearing with the center shelter was being cleared out and the fire pit cleaned. No fire tonight- fire was a thing of humans, and tonight was the dance of the _wolves_. The actual Initiation and Telling would be the next night, on the true full moon, but the dance was three days long, and everyone was ready to shed their human skins to become closer to their animal selves.

Taryn was excited, but also a bit sad, because, as she told Faolan, they were too young to go on the Hunts, which traditionally occurred on the nights of the full moon. Skylar had very specific instructions for Faolan for the first night. He thought it was best her first change after the lessons was with all the other werewolves, and he wanted her to _stay with Taryn_. Follow her, do as she did, just _stick with her_. That was his instruction.

And then, as the sun began to set, Faolan began to pick up on Taryn's excitement. She remembered being totally a wolf, when she had first changed, in that Waystation with Raul, and the horrible rage and anger she'd felt at everything- but now she was starting to remember the joy, the fierce, wild joy at running through the woods, that love of being free… She'd hadn't felt like that since controlling her Change, in wolf form or out. Is that what Skylar was offering her?

_If I were a normal eight year old, I would hardly remember that…_ Faolan thought, for her entire life was crystal clear behind her, _But there are already so many memories in my head, what's a few more?_

At that moment Faolan could feel the moon begin to near the horizon, and it's pull on her grew increasingly stronger. The sun was still an hour or so away from setting, but such was the way of summer. She and Taryn traded glances, identical smiles gracing their faces. Then Skylar came over and motioned to Faolan. She stood and followed him off a ways, wondering if this was just a few last minute instructions or… something else.

"How do you feel Faolan?" he asked, his voice low and hurried.

"Nervous," she answered, "Excited."

"Good," he said, with a satisfied smile, "And just remember, the wolf is _you_. It's okay if it still hurts- you have a serious mental barrier to break through, a few weeks of talking about it won't change anything. But _try_, that's the point. Got it?"

Faolan nodded and he smiled and straightened up, giving Faolan a supportive pat on her shoulder, "Then let's do it."

They wove back through the trees into the camp and Faolan quickly located Taryn amidst the werewolves moving about. The older ones were quiet and serious, mentally preparing for the challenge of the hunt, while the younger were rambunctious and jumpy- Taryn included. Skylar was isolated in his age group, but he seemed a mix of excited and edgy. Faolan wished it were tomorrow night, so she could finally hear the Why of the war, and tell Raul about it- after all, that's the true reason she was here. It made her feel guilty in a really horrible way, to want to spill the secrets of the werewolves so much, because getting to know them.. made it different.

"Skylar Bearsbane!" someone yelled and Fao's attention was caught. There was some shoving going on near the other side of the clearing, and Fao quickly saw that Skylar was at the center of it. She frowned. Bearsbane?

"Bearsbane! Bears_bane_!" a shout went up again, and others took it, turning it into a chant. Taryn beside her starting yelling and so Fao joined in as well, thinking of the bearskin that made the door of the center hut.

Then, suddenly, amongst the chanting, that filled each and every one of them, Faolan felt a chill run through her body and the entire village fell silent. Fao's blue eyes flicked towards the horizon, but she could not yet see the moon. But it was up. It was definitely up.

She took a deep breath and looked and Taryn, feeling choked and scared. The girl gave her a grin, and then a grow, as fur sprouted over her body. Fao held the change back a moment longer and then let loose, allowing it to consume her body and mind. At first it hurt, as it always had, in a searing pain like hot pokers burning through her blood and body.

_I am a werewolf_, Faolan thought, missing Raul, _The wolf is me. The wolf is me. The WOLF is ME. Come wolf! I AM THE WOLF!_

Reddish fur sprang up on her arms and her limbs shifted in length and shape. Her muzzle pushed forward and her nose turned black. Then an anger pushed up from deep within her and it was so strong it blocked out the pain. Now _anger_ burned through her body, terrible and painful in itself- for the anger was mostly _at _herself. Guilt pressed one side of Fao's mind, for imprisoning this part of herself, and anger was the other. But Fao knew that her mind couldn't be divided any longer- for that was causing the pain and the hate.

_I'm sorry_, Faolan thought, _Forgive me_.

And as she lay on the ground, panting, her anger subsided- at least, that anger. There was still a deep frustration, and a sort of sly anger at the world, as when she had first changed- but the original, burning, hot and cold anger was gone as quickly as it had come.

For a moment, Faolan almost pushed the wolf away again, for being angry, but then she realized, _I AM angry at the world. I was not dealt a very nice hand in life!_

But then a cold nose pressed into her side and Faolan looked over to see a normal, brownish gray wolf staring at her with reddish brown eyes. Taryn's form was lanky, like Faolan's, except slightly bigger, nearing full grown. She looked about as big as a _normal_, adult wolf. But the difference was in her paws, tail, and ears. When Fao's gaze was caught Taryn whined with excitement, her tail giving a twitch of a wag.

And Faolan forgot the last four years of her life. She forgot her past lives. She almost forgot she was a Herald, but she never forgot Raul. And with a nip to Taryn's tail the two were rolling in the dirt. Fao rejected everything that wasn't the then and now, and wrestled, her jaws snapping on empty air and her claws scrabbling at dirt.

But an eerie, lonely howl jarred the two from the fight, and they stopped simultaneously to stare at the wolf standing on the living tree home, dark and big, with his nose lifted to the stars. Those strong enough and old enough to hunt answered, and Fao followed Taryn's call in not answering. In a quick blur of motion the hunters were off, slipping silently off through the trees, leaving the village to the old and the young- and Magdalia, watcher of the pups.

There was a growl and Faolan whirled around quickly, to find Taryn watching her with those reddish brown eyes, dark and glistening with a playful fierceness. Faolan gave an answering whine as Taryn burst off through the trees, in a different direction from the hunters. They would be back by morning, Faolan sensed, and now was the time for the young to play. She followed Taryn's wagging gray tail through the dark, her eyes picking out every detail of the forest landscape- entirely in black and white. Things that as a human would be cloaked in shadow were crystal clear before her- a joy Faolan had little thought of in the years past.

She howled, her voice high and wavering and Taryn paused ahead to sit back on her haunches and answer that. It thrummed through Faolan's blood and she reveled in it. The night whittled away as the two werewolf pups explored the woods- splashing through streams, crawling into caves, finding views from rocks on top of the mountains around the valley, traveling miles and miles and stopping to play in between.

The moon was sinking again in the sky when they returned to the village. It was quiet and dark, and in the center of the village was Magdalia, huge and bushy as a wolf- two feet tall lying down, with a multitude of pups laying beside her, ranging all ages, a few near Fao's or Taryn's. Only one other was adult- a male werewolf, his coat color indistinguishable in the light, but smelling strangely. Faolan wrinkled her nose, trying to place the scent, but was unable. It bothered her little, so she and Taryn curled up near the rest, exhausted from their night of play. They fell asleep, nose to tail, giving each other heat in the cool of the night, sleeping as kin, sleeping as werewolves.

The next night was decidedly different. Faolan had woken that morning still a wolf- as everyone else was, but the moon's pull was gone and she knew she could Change back if she wished. But, Faolan realized, she didn't particularly feel like being human. Taryn woke up at Faolan's movement, and she too, made no move to Change back to her human form, so with a lick to her friend's face, Fao started sniffing around for something to nibble on. Magdalia was awake, watching seven or eight puppies snore. She met Fao's eye and gave a slight nod, acknowledging her awareness.

It wasn't until well after midday that the Hunters returned. They were greeted with a series of whines and licks and play wrestling, Faolan joining in with the rest. Each of the large, brawny, adult wolves carried a haunch of some sort of large creature, a few sported wounds, but none serious. To Faolan's finely tuned nose, the meat smelled like deer, and the scent made her mouth water. The feasted on it until all the stomachs bulged and everyone was, once more, satiated and sleepy. But the sun was only a few hours from the horizon, and everyone knew tonight was the special night. Tonight was the full moon.

Skylar was the first to turn back, standing up into human form in a Change that seemed at once both effortless and seamlessly graceful. He made the Change look like a dance, and it made Faolan ache with longing for that kind of Change. At his example, everyone else started to Change back, Faolan with a bit of trepidation.

She called at her human self and said to herself, _Lets now put on a human skin_. And her body agreed with her, taking back the claws and teeth and superior senses, returning her hands and mind and words. Once Changed, the group momentarily broke up to search for clothing, only returning once everyone was clothed in the scanty leathers that were their summer wear.

Chatter was high then, with discussion flying about the hunt. Faolan listened with half interest, her mind on what was to come- the Initiation and Story. She sensed the return to human form signaled that.

And she was right- for soon Skylar motioned for the werewolves to quiet and he sat down on a log stump next to the fire pit. Everyone else copied him, folding down cross legged onto the dirt or finding logs, all eyes on the wolf that seemed to be the leader of the pack. Skylar caught Faolan's eyes and gave her a grin, which Fao shakily returned.

"Tonight," he started, his voice ringing out over the wilderness, "Tonight is the full moon, the day of most importance for those of our kind. Tonight our blood will sing with the wildness of our ancestors and we will romp through the forest- the only creature with nothing to fear. We will howl for our sisters and brothers learning control on the front, and howl for those who did not make their lonely way home, and howl for those long gone… But first- the story.

"A thousand years ago the Mage Storms wracked the world of Velgarth… and many things were Changed. The Pelagirs are evidence of that, and there is where we find our origin. Somewhere, somehow, the magic warped and twisted a human and a wolf- combining to two into one. At the full moon and the two days surrounding it, the first werewolf, and all his descendants, were compelled by the power of the moon to take on wolf form- for the moon is the wolf's sigil, and he howls at it for that reason. And on the day of the new moon-for then the moon, though in the sky, casts no light on the world- on that day, the werewolf cannot be a wolf, for humans are creatures of the day and sun, and the moon holds no power over them. Deep in the Pelagirs the first werewolf roamed, unable to accept being both wolf and human. Crazed with rage as a wolf and wildly emotionally as a human, he created children among the Hawk Brothers and others unfortunate to find themselves in his path. Along the line, at some time, the werewolves formed a pack of creatures comparable to the wrysa, one of the Mage Storm changed creatures that stalks the Pelagirs today. Great and terrible to behold, they rampaged, hunting as wolves and little returning to human form. Though they tried to hold a pack, their lack of cooperation inside their own minds and bodies stopped them from truly being a pack, and they often tore themselves apart. They were not human, and they were not wolf.

"But finally… _finally_, they realized they could not live this way any longer, and a first werewolf went to the Mages of the Hawk Brothers, to seek their help. And help the Tayledras did. They taught that werewolf to Change upon his own will, and not lose himself in the emotions of either wolf or human part. _But it was not enough_. This werewolf, daring and alone, one day lost himself in his human anger and maimed a Tayledras brother- in turn, making him into a werewolf. He believed after that no werewolf could ever gain true control or have true acceptance within himself or herself, and thus he left, to live and die alone. He was wrong. This Tayledras brother had seen what the werewolf had learned to do, and knew that werewolves were not the beasts they appeared to be. He was the first to learn the way. He knew, even once he learned the same control his sire had, that there was a chance he could still lose that control if he become enraged enough. So this werewolf left the Pelagirs and went to a people where a bloodlust and red rage was _common_, to experience it for himself. He joined a Mercenary band and went to war. And when he returned, he returned with a control no werewolf had achieved before, because he had experience _true anger_. The anger of life, the anger of death. And having experienced it, having lost _total_ control, he knew he'd never go past that point again, for he knew where it was.

"But he did not return to the Hawk Brothers, for no longer was he a Bird. He was a Wolf, and he found one of the packs of the Pelagirs, and tamed them. Then he sent them to the Mercenaries, only to return after regaining true control. He did this with all the werewolves he found, until his death. We are the results of his work. And here we stand, a pack of werewolves… For those newcomers…" at this, Skylar looked at Faolan, "We are normally nomadic, moving around and sending our young off for a few years to return after gaining true control. But when Karse declared a need for a large amount of mercenaries… a few packs banded together and offered up their children. We settled here, on Karsite land, to wait for the end of the war, a time when we shall need to travel the lands of Velgarth, nomadic again, and search for other mercenary groups. We feel no true hatred of the Valdemarens, but we do what we must, for life, for love, and for ourselves. _We are the werewolves_!"

At this shout others joined, shouting things like, "Karse!" and "Werewolves!" or "The Pack!" Faolan was too deep in thought to join in this time. Her mind was in turmoil as she digested Skylar's words, the werewolves shouting around her. And all she could think of was, _There has got to be a better way_.


	32. Skylar's Path

**A/N: Ice cream to all those who reviewed the last chapter! Happy middle of summer break!**

Faolan didn't notice her eyes were wet until a tear dropped down from her half shut eyes onto her leg, making a wet splash. She blinked rapidly then, her surroundings coming back to her, and she rubbed the dampness from her eyes. _The pack is _based_ on war_, she thought sadly, _It cannot survive without it…How can that be? How can such a love, of a pack of werewolves, be fueled by murder?_

"Faolan?" a voice said, and Fao looked up, to find Skylar standing above her, looking worried.

"Yes?" she asked, taking a deep breath and hoping he hadn't noticed her crying.

"Can I have a word?" he asked and Faolan quickly nodded, standing up and letting him take her hand to lead her through the crowd and away.

"Are you okay?" he asked, when they were a safe distance from the pack.

"Yes," Faolan nodded, trying to look okay.

"I don't believe you," he said with a teasing smile, "Is it our origin?"

Faolan shook her head and then said slowly, "It's… how- isn't there another way?"

"Towards control?" Skylar asked and at the look in Faolan's face he knew that was it, "No. There isn't. For a werewolf to reach true anger within the pack… is very detrimental… Only on a battlefield can that be reached with a place to target the anger."

"How can you murder innocents, though?" Faolan ask, "You said yourself you don't care about the Karsites of Valdemarens! How can you fight their battle for them, holding no grudge against those you kill, in fighting?"

"That's how the true control is reached," Skylar explained, and then knelt down, to look Faolan directly in the eye, "It _is_ hard at first, but we don't start newbies out on the front lines. However… once you see a Valdemaren arrow go through your best friend's throat… It gets a little easier. That's what spurs the true anger. I…"

Skylar paused, his voice choking, and Faolan looked at him questioningly until he continued, "I reached control on the front lines, three years ago. I was fifteen. It was my first real fight, before that I'd been scouting, back up, skirmishing, no true battle. I was scared, and confused about what I was doing and why I was there. I wasn't born a werewolf Faolan… It's always easier for those born into the pack. Anyway, it was my best friend. He'd found me, taught me what it was to be a werewolf, took me away from the blind rage of one with no one else. We were fighting together and… I really loved him Faolan. And then I saw… one of those blue and silver painted arrows sink into his throat. And he was dead- like that. I looked into his eyes as it happened, and saw the life leave him. _I saw him die_. And even though we chose to fight, I could see the Archer that had released that arrow, standing in a tree- it was winter- about a hundred feet away. He was cheering. And I knew it should have been me to take that arrow, because Remi was a better person than I was, a better werewolf. He _deserved_ to live… while myself… No one needed me. And I lost it. I went crazy. Anyone in my way towards that tree died. I wielded a sword, broadsword, a huge one- I don't have it any more, no need. The weapons stay with those on the front, but I wielded it like a mace. Tore through soldiers like butter. Blood was everywhere. It was on my skin, in my eyes, up my nose, and I _reveled_ in it. I saw red- and not just from the blood of those I killed. I _enjoyed_ it, because I was killing those who had killed Reims. And when I reached that tree I scaled it like a monkey, sword in one hand the entire time, and I sliced that archer's head off. Sent it rolling. With glee. The anger faded after that, but I will always remember that feeling. That joy was a joy of killing, it was born of true anger, Faolan. The primal, terrible anger that tore the first wolves apart because they had never developed any control. Once you've built you're control, and you reach that stage- you can never go there again except by your own choice. You'll never lose it- you're incapable. And that is what is needed in order to live as a pack, to live the way we were meant to live. Those who waste their time mourning their humanity, hating the Mage Storms and the mages who created it… they never truly live." And Skylar looked straight and Faolan and said, "Which do you want, Faolan- life, or death?"

"Life," Faolan whispered, staring into Skylar's dark eyes.

"I thought so," he said with a half smile and stood up, "Now… how about that Initiation of yours?"

Faolan nodded, giving him a smile too, and followed him back into camp. The moon was almost risen once again, and Faolan could feel it even stronger than the night before, because _tonight_ was the _true_ full moon. Everyone had settled down and Skylar led Faolan to stand by the empty fire pit, in the center of the group of Heralds, a place Faolan found uncomfortable, as all eyes were on her.

"Tonight," Skylar said, his voice ringing out over the werewolves, "One more werewolf joins our stead, to be a pack mate, sister, mother, and daughter. Tonight, we welcome her to join _the pack_!"

There was a cheer and even a human howl or two, but once more, everyone quickly grew silent and eyes flickered between Faolan and Skylar. The leader's eyes were on the horizon, where a faint light could be detected now, growing brighter. Faolan felt a shiver go through her as she realized what it was, but whether it was one of excitement or fear, she could not tell. The other light was dimming and Faolan was beginning to have trouble seeing with her weak, human eyes.

"Let the moonlight fill you, Faolan," Skylar said a moment later, and the pack echoed his words.

"And join us in the hunt," he added, and the pack, again echoed this.

Then the first tip of the moon lifted itself up over the horizon and Faolan felt it's pull become too strong to fight, so she succumbed, falling to its power, and, as Skylar had said, letting it fill her. It hurt, as it always had, but not as much, more like a healing wound- as that, a _good_ hurt. As Faolan's eyesight shifted to black and white and she saw the werewolves around her, she noticed none had yet Changed. Were they holding back? Was that possible? No- a few were changing, but most stood, watching her. Faolan dropped onto four paws and pulled herself out of her clothing and looked up at Skylar. He stood, still human, but Faolan noticed sweat ran down his face and dripped off his chin. She growled, and he dropped into the Change, turning to wolf faster than she'd ever seen before. Around her, growls and barks told her that the others were changing as well.

Once again though, they fell silent, and a new ring was formed, one of wolves. Skylar stood the biggest and as Faolan bowed her head low, looking up at him, he stepped forward and then suddenly lifted a paw and in a swift movement, pushed her to the ground. His paw pressed into her shoulder, such that her opposite shoulder dug into the dirt. His eyes seemed to glow with a supernatural malice and Faolan whimpered in surprise. A low, terrible growl slowly emerged from his throat and for a terrifying second Faolan thought he meant to kill her. But then he lifted his paw and simply stood over her, looking her down, and Faolan rolled off her side onto her back and wagged her tail hopefully.

And then Skylar stepped back and lowered his head to her. At this, Faolan scrambled back to her feet and stood, as square and tall as she could, her tail raised now. After a moment, Skylar raised his head again and lifted his nose to the starlit sky, letting out a long, terrific, howl, that was joined by all the howls of the pack. Lastly, Faolan let out her own howl, joining it with those whom she could now call pack mates.

Then they ran. Fleeting shapes, dashing through the woods. The big, gray wolf that was Skylar led, dashing through trees, and all moved as one. It seemed to Faolan they ran all night, leaping logs and creeks, ditches and crevices, climbing peaks and tumbling into valleys until at long last they reached the village once more, in their own valley, as the sun crept over the horizon and the moon sunk towards it. It felt like a dream, as Faolan slunk through with all the rest, panting and tired. She never remembered changing back.


	33. Not So Alone

**A/N: And I do not yet have this finished as I pledged myself a few weeks ago I'd be by now... I'm working on chapter 37 so no worries about the steady update. **_  
_

_:Despicable: _Raul whispered into Faolan's head as the girl lay curled up on furs. It was a week after the full moon and things had quieted down once more. It was evening, and Faolan was reporting to Raul all that she had learned- though it wasn't much use to the war effort. She supposed once she was old enough to be sent to the front, as a werewolf, she'd be of more use.

_:Entirely selfish:_ Raul added as an afterthought, _:They kill others so that they can live. But I suppose not everyone has the morals of a Herald.:_

Faolan was quiet. She was torn between Raul's side and Skylar's, because she could see _both_. _If I were just a werewolf_, Faolan thought, _I would take every word Skylar uttered like the absolute truth, because after going through being a werewolf alone and uncontrolled… _anything_ is better than that. If a few more innocents have to die- it's only so _more_ innocents _won't_. But Heralds don't see it like that. _Every _life, now, is important. _

_:Raul:_ Faolan finally said, opening her eyes to gaze at the ceiling of her newest home, _:Raul… They think there's no other way. There has to be another way, right:_

_:I don't know, Faolan:_ Raul answered with a mental sigh- and Faolan wondered where she was, wandering alone in the reaches of Valdemar. She probably need a good brushing too… _:I can see why they do it, and from you, a little bit of how but… No treaty will stop them from coming. That is what this means. They cannot be persuaded to stop, because for them, stopping means death. And in most people, one's _own_ life is valued above those of others. Deep inside, no matter how kind they are. Just remember that Faolan, when you deal with those people. They're selfish, no matter how well they treat you.:_

_:I know, Raul:_ Faolan replied, closing her eyes again, _:I miss you.:_

_:I miss you as well, Chosen:_ Raul said lovingly, _:When this is all over…:_

But she let that fall silent, for neither of them knew what the end of the war would bring. They didn't even know if Faolan would survive it. And as for what would happen when they went home, to Haven and the Heralds…

_:My past lives are quiet:_ Faolan mentioned, changing the subject, _:They have little to say for this kind of situation. One old life, really old, keeps making references to dragons, but that's pretty much it. Did dragons ever exist, Raul:_

_:I don't know: _Raul sounded surprised, _:I suppose they could have. But certainly not in Valdemar's history…:_

_:That's an old life:_ Faolan said with a mental giggle, _:Huh, Raul:_

_:Very old:_ Raul answered, _:I suppose dragons must have existed if you remember them. You're an old soul, Faolan.:_

_:But a young body:_ Faolan retorted with a grin and rolled onto her other side of the furs, feeling so much better for having talked to Raul.

_:Why are they so angry: _Raul mused a while later, as Faolan was drifting off to sleep.

_:Hmm: _Faolan asked sleepily, _:Because of the injustice. People and wolves aren't supposed to be one. We- they think the world should suffer for dealing us such a hand. It's the melding of human intelligence and wolf instincts that breed the rage, and turns werewolves against even each other. Wolves don't howl to the moon, Raul. Only werewolves.:_

And then she slipped off into sleep, and Raul retreated from her mind…

"_Carry?" a familiar voice asked and I turned to see Raleigh again. He was like he'd been in the other dream, "I thought you were gone."_

_I wasn't sure if he referenced to the first eight years or since the dream I'd had, but it seemed to matter little. I shrugged, and moved over to him, studying his worn face. _

"_I'm here now," I said to him as he sat down- on what, I couldn't tell. This whole place was rather misty and undefined. _

"_What happened, Carry?" Raleigh asked, looking at me with a pleading expression in his eyes._

"_What do you mean?" I answered. Happened when?_

"_After… they attacked us," he whispered, seeming to be unable to relate the experience in a normal voice, "They… they're werewolves, aren't they?"_

"_Yes," I said, feeling a pang of sadness in my heart. I was a werewolf too. And I knew what he spoke of. The day I died. Momentary confusion passed over me- weren't we in the past? How did _he_ know about that?_

Faolan blinked and opened her eyes, and the moment she did she felt crushed by an overwhelming misery. _Raleigh_, she thought, thinking of the man far away in the House of Healing in Haven. She sat up, tears stinging her eyes, and quietly moved past those sleeping near her, and out into the woods of a village. It was dark, and the crescent moon hovered low in the sky. Faolan wasn't sure what time it was, but it felt either very late, or very early. She sniffed the air- it was warm, but with a hint of cool. Fall was coming.

"Hello."

Faolan jerked around wildly, instinctively raising her lips into a snarl- but it was only one of the werewolves. Peering at him, she realized he was the one other adult who had no gone on the hunt. His hair was white, but he was not old. His skin too, was the color of cream and his eyes… Faolan couldn't tell. _Mage?_ she wondered- but there were no Mages in Valdemar in this day and age… But the Mage Gift only bleached hair and eyes, and this man had bleached skin as well.

"My name is Aric," he said, looking over at the moon, setting behind the mountains holding in the tiny valley.

"Faolan," she answered warily, hoping he couldn't see her tears.

"So I'm not the only one who cannot sleep, then…" he said as a statement of fact. His voice was low but in a sort of musical way. He gave her a pointed look which Faolan could not define and then stood up from the log he had been perched on. His pants made little nose as he moved, and Faolan almost felt she was speaking to a ghost.

"Was it dreams that kept you up, or else?" he inquired, his gaze moved from her.

"Both," Faolan answered quietly, wanting to go off by herself, but also intrigued by this strange werewolf.

"You are not the only one in pain," he whispered and now his eyes turned upon her, almost glowing now in the way the light struck them. They were pink, almost red, and a little bit frightening.

Faolan shrunk back from him, stumbling against a tree and tripping backwards. She fell onto the hard dirt and with a whoosh, all the air left her longs. "Ohh," she moaned, trying, and not succeeding to get air into her lungs. But then the albino was above her, standing straight with burning eyes and it was then Faolan noticed the long stick in his hand, and she forgot about trying to get air into her lungs, with the fear that erupted in her.

_:RAUL:_ she screamed as fur started to bristle over her body. The stick in Aric's hand clattered to the ground at the same time as air suddenly returned to her lungs.

"Faolan?" he asked, a concerned expression upon his face, "Are you all right?"

The fur disappeared and Faolan stared up at him stupidly. She was still gasping, each breath a little easier but she managed to nod and pull herself up into a sitting position. Aric held out a hand and she accepted, pulling herself up and leaning on the tree she'd tripped over for support. Faolan felt a presence enter the back of her mind and felt Raul staring out through her eyes, worry written over the Companion's mind.

_:It's okay, Raul:_ she whispered, _:Me being paranoid.:_

Aric, seeing she really was okay, dropped to the ground by another tree, leaning against it and letting his silky white hair drape against the tree's bark. It was like a Companion's mane. Looking at him more closely now, Faolan judged him to be in his late twenties perhaps, and a person not used to doing physical labor- his hand, when she'd taken it, had been soft, and the muscles on his body didn't look like the result of years of hard work.

"I dream about home every night," Aric said, looking back at Faolan.

"Home?" Faolan echoed, wondering if he spoke of the Pelagirs or some other place.

The sky was getting lighter and Faolan heard some noises coming from other huts- the werewolves were all early risers. Then a sudden pounding of hoof beats entered her hearing and she whirled around to see a man on horseback slide to a halt near by and jump off his horse. He was dressed as a Karsite would be and Faolan felt revulsion and anger towards him immediately- a result of living with the Heralds for a few years.

"Hail!" he said in Karsite, "The caravan approaches!"

Aric stood up and moved over to him, an odd expression on his face. It was a moment before Faolan translated his words- someone in a life long ago had learned to speak it. The smell of horse entered her nostrils, thick and sweaty. It made her think of Raul- whom she hadn't physically seen in quite a long time.

"Caravan?" Aric inquired, looking puzzled and suspicious. Who was this rider appearing in their midst so early in the morning.

"Aye," the rider said, "We're camped just a mile away. Is…" he paused and pulled out a sheet of parchment, "Skylar Bearsbane here?"

"Asleep," Aric started to say, but at that moment Skylar appeared from behind Faolan, looking dark and hulking in the early morning light. Faolan sensed he was still half asleep.

"Bring them here when the light comes," he growled, and the Karsite looked worried, for he stepped backwards and the horse let out a high pitched whinny. Faolan thought that Skylar had looked at it hungrily for a moment. No wonder the horse was uncomfortable.

The Karsite then nodded and leapt back up onto the horse and galloped off, very eagerly it seemed, into the night. Faolan peered up at Skylar, wondering what this was all about. Aric too, looked curious.

"Payment," Skylar said as he turned around to go back to his hut, "For the war."

"Oh," Faolan whispered as he disappeared with a slouch. _Payment?_ she wondered, _In gold?_ But werewolves didn't need gold… did they?

However, an hour later found several wagons pulled by large drafts winding into the village, filled with the sorts of things werewolves needed but couldn't get. Soap, clothing, hatchets, saws, parchment and ink… books. Faolan's eyebrows were twitching at all the things they unloaded. No wonder she never saw any werewolves doing housework. And here was another reason for going mercenary- so they could live a mobile life and still get the necessities they couldn't make on their own.

"Strange, isn't it?" a voice whispered in Faolan's ear as she watched. She jumped, but quickly identified it as Aric's, and turned around to face him.

"Why are you asking me?" she demanded, "I should be saying that to _you_. You've been a werewolf your whole life. _You_ should know."

And then Aric smiled, a creepy, half smile and answered, leaning his face close to Faolan's, "No. I have not. My home was once in Haven."

**A/N: Now click the review button! You MUST be able to find SOMETHING to say about this story... Even if it's just "good" or "bad". Reviews are my inspiration and with nineteen people with this on their alert list I find it hard to believe only three people are reading this story. What are the rest of you people doing? If you like this story enough to read it and/or have it on your alert list you should be able to find something to say to it. Also- I DO read my reviewers stories if they're Mercedes Lackey, Tamora Pierce, or Harry Potter... poke poke**


	34. A White Meeting

**A/N: Thanks soo much to everyone who reviewed! I really, really appreciate your input and your ability to click the review button! And special thanks to those who don't usually review and managed to dig something from their brains to post. And also special thanks to those who have been reviewing all along for keeping me going all this way!**  
**mugglepirate**-Do you really want me to answer that? ;)   
**Takarameri**-I live to make things complicated... And exploring inner motives is my favorite hobby. XD.   
**Ray Venn Hakubi**- Two words: heh heh   
**hping**-Is this ASAP? Or did it take too long?   
**pythoness**-Here's the more you demand! I am the faithful servant of my reviewers!   
**Stormy Phoenix**-Yah, cliffhangers are fun.   
**Lizai**- I am very glad this has been making you think. That's the point, after all. XD.   
**kytana**- Pigeons?   
**Elskestar**- Yeah... I usually proofread before tacking another chapter onto Herald In Black but I didn't feel like it last time... blush   
**DragonFlame27**- You shall see. mwa. Ha. Mwaha!   
**stormsfury**- Wait no more.   
**Ban Capall**- But cliffies are fun! ;)   
**Niana Kuonji**- Moonchild? That's a cool turn of phrase. Is it ML's, yours, or someone elses?   
**kathleen mccrry**- XD. That's all I have to say. XD. Which, by the way, for those who don't recognize it, is a grin. An emoticon. Like :) except way happier.  
**SuzSeb**- hands you this chapter 

"_Remember that day, Carry?"_

"_I remember," I answered, sitting next to Raleigh in that misty, ill-defined place. It had been another summer day, and we had been training on horse back… Anyway, it was a long time ago, but I remembered it._

"_I miss those days," he said, looking at me with sad, lost eyes. _

"_Raleigh?" I asked him, knowing it was a dream, "What are you doing here?"_

"_Here?" he looked surprised, and glanced around, "I'm… not sure…"_

"_In my dream I mean," I said pointedly, staring at him and wishing him back to his body in Haven._

"_Your dream?" this seemed to make him even more surprised- and at that I started remembering a dream I once had in a past life…_

"_Lily," I said, turning around on the porch of our home to stare at her. I was lucid dreaming, but nothing was working and I was stuck in my dream realm with nothing to do anymore and I was really bored. So I decided to tell dream-Lily, whom I couldn't get ride of, that I was lucid dreaming._

"_You know… I'm lucid dreaming," I said casually, as one might say, "You know… this chicken is pretty good."_

"_Really?" she asked, perking up in an entirely un-Lily like way, "So am I!"_

_I sighed, and turned around. So much for conversing with bits of my memories…_

Faolan woke to a touch to her shoulder and blinked her eyes as Magdalia retreated, pushing past animals skins to get outside. It was morning, and the day smelled very wet. It must have rained last night, but none damp had gotten inside and it hadn't woken Faolan. She always found it strange when one woke to find the world changed. Like snow. She itched for snow.

She stood slowly, stretching, and then moved quickly outside and to the latrines, wet earth pressing against her calloused feet as she moved. The air smelled fresh and new, and very earthy, as it always did after a rain, and the rising sun pushed through the green leaves of the forest around them in golden halos- from the mist and steam rising from a warmed earth. _Mmm… _Faolan thought with a happy sigh.

As she wandered back from the latrines she spied a certain albino hovering about at the edges of the huts and stopped short in the trees, wondering if he'd seen her. Aric was a strange person, and Faolan couldn't quite tell if he actually had an dark intentions or if he was just weird. She was insanely curious about him- since he claimed Valdemaren heritage. And now that she knew what to look for, she saw it. His accent, his looks- she hadn't noticed at first because he was an albino but he definitely had a Valdemaren build. His actions too… But after that insomniac discussion, Aric had stayed away- except to give her creepy smiles every once and a while. Faolan decided to nickname him Ghost, since he acted _and_ looked like one.

But Ghost was just standing about, looking either lost or up to something, so Faolan went in the opposite direction from him and got back to Magdalia and others in a totally different route. He probably wouldn't have done anything but give her that creepy smile but… Faolan would rather avoid that. She had the feeling there was more to him- but she didn't want to risk losing control of her Gifts to try and read his mind or sense his thoughts. Besides, she didn't have any good reason to read his mind- other than sheer curiosity and that didn't qualify under her list of ethical reasons to mind read. So Aric the Ghost would stay a mystery…

That day Faolan had the normal training all the youngsters did, with the Game and archery and other weapons practice, but she also had private tutoring in her Change. Some days all Skylar did was talk to her, so that the knowledge and understanding of true werewolfism was in her head, and other days he had her Change with him, or without him, to practically apply what she was learning and to see how far she had progressed. It wasn't far, as of yet. She'd made the first step, and that was shown in the previous nights of the full moon, in which she at least wasn't _trying_ to suppress herself. But apparently, though she'd taken the first step, and a big one, there was still a long way to go, and the rest was much more difficult.

In fact, it was to the point where Faolan didn't look forward to her training. Sometimes she wished she had never come to spy, and just stayed as she was- a weredog instead of a werewolf… But then she'd remember that though she acted like a dog, she wasn't, and Skylar made this pointedly clear quite often. He also had some supplemental tales about those who tried to tame wolves. Apparently it worked- sort of. But sooner or later the instinct to kill would break out and those 'tame' wolves would realize that they weren't pets, and didn't really care to be worshipful omegas to the humans that had 'tamed' them.

But either way, Skylar said she _was_ progressing, and that was good, despite Faolan still feeling strange accepting tutoring from her enemies, those she spied against. Not that she had learned much that was useful so far….

_:You HAVE found out useful information, Faolan,_: Raul poked into that train of thought that had dawdled along after her days training.

_:Like?_: Faolan wanted to know as she wandered back towards camp, her feet pressing against the warm earth.

_:Like how werewolves live, why they fight, where they're from… Faolan, knowing an enemy's _motive_ for fighting is almost as important as knowing they're werewolves at all,_: Raul exclaimed inside Faolan's head and suddenly Faolan wished she could see Raul again. Then she paused- would anyone take it amiss is she wandered off for a bit?

_:Raul, where are you?_: Faolan asked, peering around the trees carefully. No, there was definitely no one around… No one to follow her and see her converse with a Companion…

_:Why?_: Raul sounded suspicious and Faolan mentally sighed. Of course, she hadn't thought about the cooperation with her Companion this would involve.

_:I need to see you,_: the werewolf answered, _:And I doubt anyone will question me needing some alone time.:_

_:I'm far away, Faol__an,_: Raul answered with a sigh, _:You can't just come visit me.:_

_:Not that far, or I wouldn't be able to hear you… Besides, this way YOU can give me some more teaching with my Gifts:_ Faolan pointed out with an impish tone in her mindvoice and set off through the trees in the direction she guessed she'd find Raul.

_:FAO!_: Raul said loudly in her head, sounding shocked, _:It is far too dangerous! Besides, it'd take you all day to get here._:

_:I don't care,_:Faolan answered determinedly, _:And no one is following me. I can use my mind speech to check.:_

And she did- at that very instant dropping her shields. No voices entered her mind. Triumphantly she brought her shields back up and sent an inquiry to Raul. The Companion was silent, but Fao felt her angry defeat.

_:With my shields down if anyone was anywhere near I would have heard them,_: Faolan announced, and then, just to make sure, she peered around the clearing as well, _:And you'll sense anyone coming when I reach you.:_

_:What if someone has Shields of their own?_:Raul retorted, but Fao knew she'd already won.

_:I doubt it… I got no impression of any of the werewolves having Gifts… Besides, isn't it only Heralds that have those Gifts?_:Faolan inquired, moving her pace up to a job. She hoped she was going in the right direction-it felt right. She was probably somehow following Raul's mindvoice or mind presence or something.

_:Well, the werewolves aren't Valdemaren,_: Raul pointed out with a mental sigh.

_:Hmm…:_ said Faolan. The ground beneath her was now sloping up slightly and she knew she was climbing up out of the valley now. She hoped she'd be able to find her way back, _:Where are you, anyway, Raul?_:

_:Inside Valdemar,_:she answered dryly.

_:Where am I?_:Fao then asked thoughtfully.

_:Outside Valdemar. In Karse actually,_: Raul explained. Faolan's eyebrows went up- she'd known she was somewhere near the border, but she didn't know she was actually _over_ it. But that made sense- why would the non-warriors be in enemy territory? If this was Karse, it looked an awful lot like Valdemar. Perhaps it changed more farther in…

A few hours later, after she had hiked out of the Valley and was wandering up and down some smaller hills in the mountains she, quite suddenly, came up Raul. The Companion mare had been running- it was clear by the sweat on her sides- but it was a mild sweat, so she hadn't been exerting herself to much, nor had she run too far.

"You came to meet me," Faolan accused, looking up at the white creature from a stance that was a lot higher up than it had been last time she saw the Companion.

_:You've grown,_: Raul said, copying Faolan by not submitting a greeting, then she added, _:I needed the exercise.:_

"You've grown too," Faolan commented- for Raul had. She looked more adult like- the fillyish part of her had been lost. At this, standing before Raul in a random part of the woods in the middle of nowhere, Faolan was struck by sadness. _We're missing each other growing up. Not that either of us weren't mentally mature already but…_ She sighed, and then moved forward quickly to wrap her arms around Raul's neck, something she was actually tall enough to do.

_:I've missed you:_ Raul said, putting her nose into Faolan's lengthening red hair, her breath warm and horsey, _:Wandering around as a wild white horse living off inferior grass and shrubs just isn't as nice as doing it with one's Herald.:_

"I've missed you too," Faolan replied, her voice muffled against Raul's soft coat, "Being around your own kind just doesn't make up for being with your Companion."

Raul stepped backwards and gave Faolan a reproving look, _:The werewolves are not your own kind, Faolan. Your own kind are the Heralds, and all Valdemarens. Being a werewolf doesn't make you one of them.:_

_By their standards it does,_ Faolan thought, but didn't say anything, because Raul was right. It was just so hard to keep herself an outsider while pretending to be an insider! Especially with what she was offered because she was considered one of them… _And I will pay you back with betrayal. _Yet to _not_ betray them was another betrayal… _If only there was another way to reach true control!_

Faolan stared at Raul, blue eyes on blue, and she almost cried. But… staring into her Companion's eyes, she didn't. Because crying wouldn't help her. She was in a tough situation, but as Herald, she was expected to deal with it. She _wasn't_ a seven year old, she _could_ handle this, so Faolan just gazed into Raul's eyes.

_:Just don't totally go over to their side,_: Raul said as a joke, _:I don't want to have to repudiate you.:_

And with a laugh Faolan hugged Raul again, tightly, hard, her eyes damp, but not from stress. It was from happiness. Happiness to be seeing Raul again, to have that support so close to her, to be able to hug and be hugged… After a few minutes passed Raul nudged Fao again and she stepped back to gaze at the Companion again.

"I feel older," Faolan said, leaning up against a tree, "I've always half felt middle aged and half felt like my physical age but today… I feel older."

Raul nodded, _:Your life and memories are starting to settle in and get used to each other, meld so fully you don't notice it as much anymore… Thus, instead of half the time acting like your physical age, and half the time acting like your mental age, you're nearing the happy medium. I doubt you'll ever quite get their, since you'll keep getting older and learning new things in _this_ life, and your other lives will always be adjusting to that, but at some point you'll get as close as you will. Am I right- your memories of other lives don't come so much as flashbacks anymore?_:

Faolan nodded, her thoughts renewed by this insight to her past lives. It was true- she just hadn't really been thinking about it what with the whole spying, werewolf stuff going on. Then she sighed and gave a smile, staring up through the trees.

"It's good to see you, Raul," she said.


	35. I Thought It Was Pewter

**A/N: Sorry about the long time between updates! I've been in MN for the last week and beforehand I didn't get a chance to put up another chapter... Anyway, my apologies. And super thanks to all my super dooper reviewers! And yeah, I was thinking when I wrote that chapter: Fao needs to see Raul again, in person. So there was a happy chapter but this one gets back into the tension stuff. XD.**

After visiting with Raul, Faolan hiked back towards the makeshift village the werewolves resided in. By then it was dark, because Faolan had spent more time than she had planned doing some Gift work under the guidance of Raul. She didn't progress much, but it was enough to satisfy Fao and give her an idea of what to practice if she had the time. She'd also told Raul all about Ghost, the Valdemaren werewolf, which made Raul give a loud, _:Hmmm:_ and settle into thinking for a while.

As she walked through the woods, only about two minutes away from Raul, thinking about turning into a werewolf for the way back, she heard a stick crack loudly somewhere in front of her. Faolan froze, her entire body on alert, listening and searching- but she could see no one. A chill running down her spine she opened herself to her werewolf self and let it out, drifting slowly into a furred form.

"Faolan?" a voice asked and she froze, sighing with relief and shivering with fear at the same time as a plain girl stepped into the view of Faolan's lantern like wolf seeing eyes. She reversed her change and straightened up, wondering with another chill if Taryn had been here all along.

"It's me," Fao said, wondering then if she _had_ been followed after all, "What are you doing here?"

"Looking for you," Taryn said and peered over Faolan's shoulder, "I thought I heard a horse back there so I got distracted from tracking you. Is there a horse?"

Faolan shook her head, "Why would a horse be here? It's like the middle of nowhere."

"I dunno- Karsites maybe?" Taryn shrugged, still peering about the woods.

"Are there Karsites around here?" Faolan asked, "Is there _anything_ around here?"

"Dunno," Taryn shrugged, "This isn't the direction our trade goods usually come from but it's still into Karse." Then her eyes lit up, "Let's go find some Sun Priests!"

"Or not…" Faolan said, shaking her head, "Don't they like to roast foreigners?"

"We're werewolves. They wouldn't roast us. We're allies," Taryn said smugly, crossing her arms to stare pointedly at Faolan.

Faolan gave her a disgusted look, "Not _all_ werewolves are. And they might roast us anyway, because they're like that. They're killing us because their Priests are using their god as an excuse to wage war on us for no reason at all!"

"Us?" Taryn inquired suspiciously and Faolan blushed.

"The Valdemarens," she quickly amended, looking away.

"You still think of yourself as one of them. After all they did to you," Taryn accused darkly, then asked, "Were you running away?"

"No!" Faolan retorted, "Why the hell would I run away?"

Taryn shrugged, "You're running, not me."

"I'm not running!" Faolan practically screeched, "I was taking a walk!"

"Long walk," Taryn said, then took one look at the way Faolan was bristling with rage and burst out laughing. Faolan couldn't help herself- despite feeling misunderstood and angry she laughed too- and the anger went away.

"Fine, fine!" Taryn said, still cackling, "Maybe you like taking walks."

"Let's go home," Faolan sighed, running a hand through her hair and thinking, _I have got to stop this war, if for nothing else than to save her life. I can't just sit here and spy and let the werewolves keep doing what they're doing, knowing what I know. I've got to stop it. _

"What about Karsite hunting?" Taryn asked, pausing in her laughter, "You still don't want to hunt Karsites?"

"_Hunt_ them?" Faolan was practically back to screeching again, "You didn't say _hunt_ them! We can't hunt other people! That's just wrong! And gross!"

Taryn sighed, but not without another giggle, "You know what I meant Faolan. Of course not _hunt_ them hunt them. I meant look for them…"

"Sure," Faolan said suspiciously, glad the topic was away from her departure and the mysterious horse, which had to be Raul. Cautiously she poked at the Companion, _:You far from here, Raul? One of my werewolf enemies caught up and thinks she heard a horse.:_

_:I'm gone:_ Raul assured her and Faolan mentally relaxed.

"Eh, whatever," Taryn shook her head, "Let's head back. We can go find them some other day. I can't believe you aren't curious about the Karsites. Well, I suppose you DID use to be Valdemaren so you would have an anti-Karse attitude…"

"With good reason," Faolan snorted.

"Well, hopefully by the time YOU reach fighting age this war will be over so you won't be forced to work with Karsites and fight the people you still like despite them having kicked you out."

_But they didn't kick me out. They took me in,_ Faolan thought sadly as the two of them headed back over the hills and towards the Valley. Eventually, after sliding down a rocky hill, Taryn changed into werewolf form and Faolan copied her with relief. _Now_ she could see, and move quicker and easier through the woods. The slunk into the village well past midnight and crawled into their respite sleeping huts, disturbing no one.

And the next day, no one commented on Faolan's absence, for which Faolan was happy. It was enough that she considered going to visit Raul again, perhaps in a week or so. Even though Taryn _had_ followed her, she hadn't got close enough to catch them together, and Fao thought if she'd been any closer either she or Raul would have detected her, and split up quickly. So there wasn't any danger- and who else would follow her the next time, especially with Taryn spreading the news that Faolan liked to hike?

That afternoon Skylar stormed into the center of the village, where Faolan, Taryn, and a few other youngsters had been playing a game with rocks and sticks. He hadn't been seen all day, and Faolan had wondered where he was. And he was livid. Faolan had never seen him so angry before. His movements were stiff and his eyes seemed totally black, shadowed by his eyebrows. He stopped in the center- where other werewolves were sitting or talking and everything went quiet.

"They know," he hissed through tight teeth. Faolan thought he looked hairier than normal- was he starting to change into a werewolf? And who knew what?

"They KNOW!" he yelled and picked up one the rocks they'd been playing it with to hurtle it through the trees, "They _know_. They KNOW!"

"Who knows what?" Faolan whispered to Taryn, feeling a bit scared by this version of Skylar.

"Dunno," Taryn shrugged, "He'll probably say so soon."

"THE VALDEMARENS KNOW!" he said, glaring at everyone, "How the _hell_ do they know? We NEVER have Changed where they could see- only using our Change to slip past lines, to hold the advantage…"

_Ooh…_ thought Faolan, _Yah. They do know. My fault, actually._ It made her feel very insecure to know that if Skylar knew, she'd be his first pick of targets for that rage. In fact, it made her downright queasy.

"What the HELL is that?" Skylar suddenly yelled, pointed at Faolan. She jumped and stared at him, wondering if he'd read her mind. But he only moved over to her and grabbed the necklace around her throat- only by the leather, and ripped it off. He held it up and stared at it for a long time, as Faolan rubbed her neck, more trying to push her heart back down to where it belonged than because of the hurt.

"What are you?" he asked, his eyes dark and suspicious, then he shouted for everyone to hear, "This is silver! Her necklace is silver!"

Faolan wondered absently why he hadn't noticed before- well, _she_ thought it was pewter but she supposed that particular charm Christopher Alaska had put on it only applied to her. Either way, Faolan thought she should have realized it'd get that sort of reaction. _WHY_ _didn't I take it off before?_ she moaned in her thoughts.

There were now suspicious grumbles moving through the werewolves gathered, all of them staring at Faolan. _Damn. How do I explain this without telling them I'm a Herald? They believe I've been running around in the country all this time, not hanging out with Gifted Heralds… _

Skylar was still staring at her with a mixture of horror and suspicion and then he asked softly, "Are you a Karsite spy? A demon- sent to watch us?"

Faolan quickly shook her head, trying to look as scared and innocent as possible, "N-no…"

"Then _what_!" he yelled and Faolan leaned backwards from him, her entire body shaking with fear that was all too real.

"I'm a werewolf," Faolan whispered, so softly Skylar almost couldn't make it out.

"No," he laughed derisively, "You are not. This is silver. Werewolves are allergic to silver. Silver kills us. If you were a werewolf, you'd be dead. An arrow through the heart of one of us _might_ kill, if not taken out and treated quickly, but silver… Silver kills."

Faolan stared at him, a whole new set of possibilities for the war occurring to her. She'd been aware silver was dangerous- after all, the necklace _had_ burned when she'd first put it on, but… it would kill them? Easily? Quickly? But Skylar was still staring at her, expecting explanation, so Faolan shoved those ideas away for the moment.

"I thought it was pewter," Faolan said, and looking at it, it _did_ still look more like pewter to her than silver.

"It is not-!" Skylar started to exclaim and then he looked at the wolf pendant again and frowned. A long moment passed and then he reached up one finger to touch it carefully. Nothing happened.

"It _is_ pewter…" he said, puzzled and confused at his 'mistake.' Faolan started at him, only just able to contain her glee. So Alaska's spell could be extended to others by the process of suggestion!

"Sorry Faolan," he said and dropped it back into her hands, "I guess… I just got so worked up about them knowing we're werewolves and thinking about what would happen if they all started using silver edged swords and arrow heads…"

Faolan felt a little bit guilty that she had just been thinking of the same thing, and intending it for the battlefront, but she pushed that away too and said, "It's okay," as she retied it around her neck.

"One more question," Skylar said with a sneaky smile, "Did you get that before or after you became a werewolf?"

Faolan reached a hand to touch the wolf that hung around her neck and blushed before saying, "After…"

"Thought so," he said, and with a brotherly smile ruffled her hair, before moving off to mutter angrily about the Valdemarens. Faolan watched him go, thinking sadly that she knew the cure for the allergy to silver, but could never give it to these people who had become her friends. _Someday, _she thought, _Someday when the war is over and there's another way to true control. When that day comes, I will make sure silver is never a problem for any werewolf ever again. _Then Faolan got lost in thought wondering _why_ silver was a huge allergy for werewolves- did it have something to do with the complexity and general randomness of magic that the Mage Storms resulted in? Or was it tied to something else?

Faolan turned and moved off on her own, shrugging at Taryn's questioning look- she wanted to continue the game. But Fao left, to find a quiet corner, where she sadly proceeded to relay information by mindspeech to the Companion she'd just seen the day before.


	36. Dark Dreams

**A/N: Hi guys. I am really sorry about my long update time. What with school starting I've had two really hectic weeks. I will try and update once a week again (if possible), and get a few more chapters written. My apologies, and here is the next chapter.**

Time passed, and Faolan become used to Skylar stalking about the camp, angry about the way the war was progressing. The atmosphere had changed as well. It became darker, more subdued, because no longer was Karse winning the war. Valdemar was pushing the lines back, and werewolves were dying. They were dying from weapons made and coated in silver, dying as humans, dying as wolves, and dying all over the place. All as a direct result of Faolan's doing- and resulting in giving her terrible nightmares by night and a plague of guilt and revulsion at her own doings.

_In the darkness, anything is possible. Something dripped down my arm. Slowly, wetly, winding across my skin. And it was warm. My hands were sticky, warm too, but I saw nothing. Darkness enveloped me like a blanket- and it smothered. I could hardly breathe in that darkness. Slowly, slowly, something was coming into view. Two tiny lights- orbs? Mage lights? No- Vanyel was the last magic user, and he was long dead. And then I saw. They were eyes. Below me, staring, begging, pleading… crying. Yellowish, wolfish. More light came into the area and I saw the face they were connected to. He stared up at me, blankly, half wolf, half human. It was blood on my hands. There was a soft splish as some dropped off one of fingers to land on the ground. Skylar stared up at me, and he was dead. Blood coated both of us, but none was mine. It was his- all his. I was covered in Skylar's blood and I knew, deep inside, that I had killed him._

"Skylar!" Faolan yelled, jerking awake to the calm darkness of the werewolf hut. A cold sweat covered her body and she shivered convulsively, avoiding the images burnt onto her mind. No one had woken from her coughed out scream. She shivered again and took a deep, shaky breath. Skylar was not dead, nor had she killed him. He could die though, from this war. And it would be her fault.

She stood up, wrapping a fur around her body, the soft leather underside against her arms, and she inhaled another deep, slow breath, calming herself down. _But I am a Herald of Valdemar, and these werewolves are killing my people_. Cautiously, she tiptoed out of the door and into the darkness of the early morning. The sky was red to the east, the kind of red that Bards sung of on the morn of great battles. Faolan sighed- no Bard ever sung songs of the enemy soldiers that were defeated. Of how they had loving families that would mourn their loss once the war was over and a letter arrived at their door… No one ever wrote songs about that.

"Couldn't sleep again?" Ghost inquired, and Faolan jumped, whirling around to see the albino standing silently behind her. Was he here every morning?

"Nightmare," Faolan said with a shiver, remembering the feeling of blood that was not hers dripping down her arms to splash softly on the ground below. That had been the only sound in the entire dream…

"About the war?" he inquired, and sat down on the ground, then waved a hand to indicate she should sit as well.

Fao nodded slowly, sitting down beside him on the soft pine needles, their scent wafting up into her nose. It made her relax, despite her wariness about Ghost. He let out a soft breath and leaned up against the tree, his eyes on the disappearing stars. Faolan pulled her fur tighter around her- the nights were chilly now. Autumn was coming.

Ghost began to speak, "It's something…"

Faolan peered over at him, wondering if he would finish that sentence. A warm breeze blew the trees, rustling the leaves and needles above them. She was insanely curious about him- was he a soldier that had been bitten, or had he met a rogue werewolf, like she had?

"Was your dream about Skylar Bearsbane?" Ghost inquired suddenly, moving his pink eyes to Faolan.

"Uh," Faolan said.

"I heard you call out his name," Ghost explained, albino eyes upon her.

"Yeah," Faolan nodded, "He was in it."

Ghost sighed and ran a pale hand through even paler hair, then shrugged. Faolan wasn't sure why, and Ghost offered no explanation. The sky was getting even lighter- soon others would be waking and moving about, begin the morning chores and rituals.

"Two years ago I led a normal life," Ghost sighed, "And now I reside with those I would have killed. War changes many things."

Faolan could find nothing to say to this, so kept silent. Nor was she certain if Ghost was speaking to her, or himself. He did not seem to expect an answer from her. And then, he stood up. Very suddenly, and in a quick movement. Fao looked at him, but his face was unreadable in the small light. He stalked off, his movements stiff, and almost angry. Soon his white shape had disappeared.

Faolan stood then herself and walked off in another direction, wondering if she'd offended him and abruptly ran into Skylar. He was slouched, and only partly clothed, and didn't seem to notice Faolan at all. His gaze was blank, staring off into the distance, reminiscent of Faolan's dream. She shivered, staring up at him.

"Skylar?" she asked, and the man looked down at her, blinking a bit before Fao felt he actually saw her.

"You friends with Aric?" he asked.

"Uh," said Faolan, "Not really…"

"It's good that you've found someone to relate with," Skylar began slowly, moving his gaze off of her.

"It is?" Fao asked, wondering if Skylar was suggesting she get to know Ghost better.

"But…" Skylar continued, "Be careful with Aric. His allegiance is not necessarily with the pack. You're too young to understand but…" Skylar shook his head and started to move off, but then he paused and looked back at her, "Don't trust him."

Faolan stared at Skylar's retreating back. Did he think Ghost was a spy? Faolan would have laughed if it weren't so serious. Me too young. Hah. I'm centuries HIS senior. But it soothed Faolan at the same time to think that Skylar dismissed her so. Ghost was freaky but Fao doubted he was a spy. Nor did he seem like he wanted to kill all the other werewolves in a fit of patriotic rage.

Bemused, Faolan wandered off on her own, finding a nice corner to have an early morning discussion with Raul, at a time when no one else would notice her strange detachment…. The next night she had another dream, but this one was not her nightmare. Instead, it was someone else's.

_Like most nightmares, it was dark. But this was not the total darkness that my dreams began in. It was a pale, misty darkness in a deep wood. I was hovering above, off to the side, watching the dream unravel- which was how I knew it was not mine. In my dreams, I am always there, never watching myself, like some dream._

_Dark, misty shapes wove through the darkness, and below, being chased, was Raleigh. He was tripping and stumbling and seemed half blind, but such is the way of nightmares. The shapes were so close they were right on his heels, but just before they leapt he jumped into a tree, climbing, climbing, to the very top. The creatures chasing him could not climb, but they snapped and snarled at the trunk, until finally moving off- though not very far. However, Raleigh couldn't see this and he slowly crept down, only to go into another running through the forest chase. Terror reeked from him like sweat- except he wasn't sweating, because it was a dream. This sort of hide and seek went on for what seemed like an eternity until both of us were jerked out of it right before one of the creatures leapt onto Raleigh. We were back in that misty area that was nowhere but everywhere all at once._

_"Is this the Havens?" Raleigh asked me- he was only aware of me here, never in his dreams._

_I shook my head, "You have to be dead to go there."_

_"Aren't I dead?" he asked, but at the look in my face he knew it was not so, "Why can't I be dead? Why am I forced to stay here, in pain, living these memories over and over and over again?"_

_"I don't know," I said, but I knew it was the reason I came back. Because he wasn't there. Either way, I was glad he wasn't dead, because as long as he wasn't dead, there was a chance he would wake up._

_"But they killed me. They must have…" he whispered, and faded away._

"Raleigh," Faolan whispered into the darkness. This time it was morning, and the darkness was caused by the coverings on the windows and doors.

_:Faolan?_: a voice asked in her head- Raul.

_:I'm awake_: Faolan said in a muttered mindvoice as she stood and stretched. It felt warm outside.

_:Good- I need to talk, are you available?_:

:_Yes,_: Faolan said, sitting back down on her furs. Everyone else was up, no one was there to see that she wasn't still sleeping.

_:The front line of the battle is being pushed back towards your valley-_: Raul paused suddenly and Fao stiffened- had something happened?

_:Were you just dreaming about Raleigh?_: Raul inquired softly.

_:Yes_: Fao said, feeling an ache inside her at the mention of him and she thought of him, lying in his coma, his soul far, far away, in Haven. But somehow, he felt closer.

_:And they weren't memories? That wasn't a memory, Faolan,_: Raul said, her voice urgent.

_:No, it was just a dream_: Faolan answered, puzzled. What did this have to do with the front moving?

_:I don't think it WAS just a dream, Fao,_: Raul said and Fao felt the Companion inside her head.

_:What about the front line moving_: Fao asked, trying to steer the conversation back to relevant information.

_:It's coming closer to your valley- you might have to pack up and leave. I wanted to tell you that if the werewolves choose to stay, and move in with the army, you're to leave them. Forget spying, its too dangerous. In a battle… I'm not worried about your mental experience, it's just that the only thing you're any good at right now is the bow, and you're small enough you might just get trampled. We need you alive to keep spying on the werewolves, not dead. All right, Faolan?_: Raul finished.

_:But Raul… I'm a Herald. My place is here, finding out what I can. I'm no use if I'm not with them… You said it yourself, I'm making a difference. And I wouldn't be in any battles anyway, the werewolves all think I'm too young too,_: Faolan pointed out.

_:Don't argue, these aren't just my orders_: Raul said firmly.

_:But YOU know I'm not just a seven year old_: Faolan argued.

_:And so does the Queen,_: Raul added, _:This isn't a choice. It's an order_.:

_:Whatever,_: Faolan said, having no intention of leaving if the time came. But she didn't feel like arguing with Raul anymore.

_:Faolan…_: Raul sighed, sensing this decision in her Chosen:_Just be careful…_:

_:As always,_: Faolan sent back with a grin.

_:Well… you get back to being the resident werewolf Herald. I'll talk to you about Raleigh some other time_: Raul said, about to finish the conversation.

_:Wait- is Raleigh awake?_: Fao leapt at what her brain had suddenly comprehended.

_:No, he's not,_: Raul answered and Faolan felt the Companion retreat away and with a sigh, she stood and walked outside, following the scent of roasting meat.

**A/N: Click the button! The shiny button!**


	37. Times of Change

**A/N: Sorry for the long update! With school starting I really haven't had time to write. I shall try and be more regular now that I've settled into the schedule again. Then again, I still need to find a college to go to. sigh But I picked all my classes this year since I did all my requirements in 11th grade, so it's all fun AP Calc and AP Lit and Creative Writing and Programming. Save the easy stuff for the senior year, right? Anyway... thank you to all my faithful reviewers for sticking in with me and reading this chapter! (You guys are actually what inspired me to sit down and pump out another one. I felt bad leaving you hanging for so long.)  
**

Faolan, whenever she woke at night, did not go outside anymore. She heeded Skylar's warning, and her own sense that Aric couldn't be trusted, and avoided him. But part of her had gotten to thinking- if Aric was still loyal to Valdemar, could he be convinced to _become_ a spy? He, unlike her, was an adult, and thus could be trusted to do things a child could not. He could be sent to the front lines, and learn the battle plans that could be given to Valdemar… But that would involve revealing herself to Aric, and things became too complicated there. She'd have to trust her life to him, and why would he even believe her- even if she showed him Raul? No… it was an idea, but not a plausible one. Still… she itched to talk to him… just in case. The idea of an ally was far too tempting to totally let go of.

But Faolan also had other things to deal with. Like developing her Gifts, working on her Change, working her way deeper into the werewolf society, dreaming about Raleigh… Which Raul wouldn't speak of any more, making Fao deeply suspicious and also deeply worried. Raul said he hadn't woken up- but could it be possible that he had… died? Fao got her chance to ask Raleigh the next night.

"_Raleigh, why are you here?" I asked with a sigh, fiddling as I watched the lanky man approach. He was not the same person as I, or rather, Carry, remembered him. Then, he had walked with a certain proud grace in his step. He was Captain, and for a good reason. He demanded respect, and was given it. But this man… this shadow, this ghost of Raleigh, that flitted through Faolan's dreams like an entity all his own… He was changed. He moved with the careful, scared step of the paranoid, the tormented, the weak. _

"_I don't know," he whispered, agony present in his words. I felt a mixture of anger and pity for him. _

"_You aren't a figment of my imagination, are you?" I inquired softly, staring into his soft gray eyes. _

"_I thought you were one of mine," he answered with a softer chuckle, "Unless we're both ghosts. Are we ghosts, Carry?"_

"_My name isn't Carry," I informed him, and immediately wondered whether that had been a good idea. _

_He stared at me for a long moment then sighed and looked away, "At least They aren't here. If I only I knew where _here_ is. It's like a refuge. And you're always here, which makes it better."_

"_How long has Here been here?" I asked him, suddenly intrigued._

"_I don't know," Raleigh shrugged, "Time is different. How long have I been a ghost?"_

"_You're not a ghost," I told him sharply, "You're a figment of my memory."_

"_I don't feel like a figment," he said with a wink, and I remember what Raul had said. She didn't think these WERE dreams, and if that was the case, then he really wasn't a figment of my imagination. But he couldn't be a ghost, because he wasn't dead- My gaze swiveled back to Raleigh and I stared at him intently, feeling hot and cold all at once. He was dead. That was why he was appearing in my dreams. He hadn't woken up, he had died. Raul- she wouldn't tell me because then I wouldn't be able to complete my duty- she wouldn't tell me for the sake of Valdemar. I felt a tight hand closing around my heart and I sank to my knees. How long would he stay? How could I hold him here when it was his time to go the Havens? Was it me who was holding him?_

"FAOLAN!" a sharp toe dug into her side and the girl woke up were a jerk, tears stinging her eyes. It was still dark, but Fao knew it was near dawn.

"What?" she growled, wiping the tears from her eyes and feeling a deep, horrible rage at whoever had woken her from this all important not-dream.

"Up," Skylar said sharply and started to stalk out of the hut, but then he added, when Fao didn't move, "Now. No questions."

Faolan pulled herself out from under her furs and stalked after him angrily, feeling chilly and hungry and tired and most of all, pissed. Outside the air was fresh and Faolan inhaled it gratefully, pushing away her suspicions that Raleigh was dead. Raul would tell her if it was true and she had no time to dwell on it now. She could see a dark shape that was Skylar moving through the huts and she trotted after him, noticing the coolness of the ground. The seasons were changing.

He stayed ahead of her, leading her out of the village and through the trees, almost a mile. He did not stop until reaching a river, one Faolan hadn't known about. She assumed the stream probably went into it and decided to follow the stream here someday. Skylar was perched on a rock at the edge of the bubbling waters, and the rising sun had struck him in the face. His eyes were closed and he faced east, absorbing the light and warmth.

Fao slowly crept over and crawled up on the smooth rock next to him. It was a pale stone, and worn down by the river's water over time. Faolan liked it. Around her, birds were chirping voraciously- the world was waking up. For a long time Skylar did not speak. When he finally did, he did it without opening his eyes and his voice was low and soft.

"There comes a time in every life," Skylar slowly began, "When great change comes about."

Faolan stared at him, puzzled. What was he talking about?

"The lines are being pushed back every day," Skylar said, and now he opened his eyes. Faolan saw sadness reflected in those dark eyes, and wondered what it was from. He turned around and faced more west and said, "Over there, just over those hills, those mountains, our brothers and sisters are dying Faolan. Soon this village that we have made our home will be overrun with bloodthirsty Valdemarens. If they reach us, they will spare none of us. We shall all be killed. Do you want to know why, Faolan?"

He looked down at her, dark eyes meeting lighter ones and Faolan obediently asked, "Why?"

"Because we're werewolves," he said and turned back to the west, the sun beating now against his back and tangly hair, "They will not spare the children. For them, a werewolf is not human, a werewolf is incapable of human emotion. Do you know what this has taught me?"

"What?" Faolan cautiously ventured.

"We are not human," he answered grimly, "We are werewolves. From the moment we were born or bitten, we ceased to be human. What are _you_, Faolan?"

Faolan stared up at him, wondering if she was actually expected to answer. She wanted to cry out, _'No you're wrong! We are human!' _but she wasn't sure if she could, or if she did, what Skylar would say to that. Finally Skylar looked back down at her, seeking out her stressed eyes.

"You are a very bright seven year old," he said, "But maybe I shouldn't be having this discussion with you just yet." Then he shrugged.

"But maybe I should," he continued, and turned back to face the east, "Because great change came in your life before you were ready to deal with it. How did you feel when I woke you up this morning?"

"Mad," Faolan confessed, "Sad."

"Good," Skylar said with a smile, and though he gazed at the sunrise still, Fao knew it was for herself, "But you are not mad now, are you?"

"I got over it," Faolan said.

"You are getting very close to being where a normal seven year old werewolf is in their change," Skylar told her, "And I commend you for this accomplishment.  
"But you still have more to learn. Strong, powerful emotions are linked to the wolf part of you, Faolan. I'm not sure if you noticed, but when I jabbed you awake this morning, you were half into werewolf form."

Faolan stared at him, thinking back and feeling horrified. Was this some sort of a trap, or just another lesson? What did he expect of her? And most of all… was Raleigh dead?

"What were you dreaming of?" he inquired gently, his voice not prying at all, "Out of curiosity?"

"I…" Faolan stuttered, because she couldn't very well tell him about Raleigh, "I uh… I don't remember dreaming…"

"Hmm," Skylar smiled, "Well. I want you to summon up the strongest emotion you can think of right now. Don't think about being a werewolf, just concentrate on that emotion, and why you feel like that. Build it and embrace it."

Faolan nodded, and let herself think of Raleigh. She remembered the way he looked in her dream. He looked broken, tortured… gone. There was a man who'd never walk in life again, never see the light of day and laugh. Tears once more sprung into Faolan's eyes. She'd never see him laugh, never hold his hand and feel him hold her hand back. She'd never be with him as he rode a horse or read a book in the light of a warm, sunny afternoon.

_Raleigh_, she thought sadly, _You aren't going to wake up, are you? _And then she thought, _Neither am I. We both die at the end of this story. _

"Look," Skylar's voice was so low it barely penetrated Faolan's thoughts, but she did look. Gray and red hairs were sprouting from her arms. Her bones were changing shape. And suddenly, without realizing it, Faolan sat in wolf form, a lanky puppy, upon the rock beside Skylar. She looked over at him with sad, wolf eyes and felt a deep longing to howl, and in that way tell him how she felt.

Skylar stared back at her for what felt like ages. The sun crept higher into the sky. The birds started to quiet down from their dawn escapades. And then he leaned over and embraced her, wrapping his arms around her furred body tightly. Startled, Faolan started to pull away, but then she relaxed and rested her head on his shoulder.

When he pulled away he gave her a slight nod and Faolan, understanding, lifted her nose to the paling sky and in the way only a werewolf can, she cried to the rising sun. Her howl, high pitched and mournful, lifted up over the woods and the valley. It rose alone, as it always would be, and when Faolan was done she slipped back into human form.

Neither Skylar nor Faolan spoke as they walked back to camp. It was only when they sat around the fire, ripping the meat from the bones of a deer that Skylar looked at her curiously and inquired, "What made you howl like that?"

Faolan blinked at him over her meat and pretended that the reason she wasn't answering was because she was eating. He saw through her ploy easily, but spoke for her anyway.

"The only time I've heard a werewolf howl like that…" he started and then shrugged, "But maybe I shouldn't be making assumptions. You have a lot to be sad about. Nor do you have to talk about it to me. But I guess I'd kind of like it if you considered me your friend, and trusted me enough to talk to me."

Faolan stared at him, but Skylar only stood up and moved among the other werewolves, speaking to them about other things. It was a long time before she continued eating, and as she did she stared at the dirt, thinking. It was true, she didn't really talk to the werewolves. How could she, knowing she was only betraying them with every breath she drew? But she liked Skylar. She liked Taryn, and despite the pain in her heart she felt when thinking of it- they were her friends.


	38. A Wandering Soul

**A/N: Hopefully I will be updating regularly again now that I'm in the swing of school again. Even though I have written nothing after this. I only have a week! Eep! I shall find time. Or try to find time. Anyway, thanks to those who hung on and reviewed the last chapter, I appreciate your perserverance! And thanks to those who missed the last chapter but are reading this one!**

Faolan was stumbling through the woods later that day, alone, and about a mile from camp. She was thinking on what she'd learned that morning, when Skylar had fetched her out of sleep. And she was mourning. The day was beautiful, the leaves with their changing colors with startling bright in the sunlight, which came clearer now that the humidity and haziness was leaving with the summer warmth. Faolan saw none of it.

There was a snort, and a stamp of hooves. Faolan jerked her gaze off the ground and saw a white creature standing before her, blue eyes angry and nostrils flaring. Raul? Faolan stared at the Companion for a long moment before reaching out, tentatively with her mind.

_:You were blocking me, Faolan!_: Raul practically screamed into Faolan's head and the girl looked at her Companion in surprise.

_:I was?_: she inquired softly, staring into Raul's blue eyes and feeling despondent.

_:Yes!_: Raul answered fervently, _:Now get on my back so I can gallop you off before someone finds me and we BOTH get killed._:

_:Why?_: Faolan answered, nudging a stone with a toe.

_:Just do it:_ Raul said so Faolan obeyed, wondering vaguely in the back of her mind why Raul had risked this, and also thinking that she'd really prefer to be in wolf form…

It felt odd, the movement of pulling herself onto that broad white back- she hadn't done it in so long. With that, she clicked back to reality and leaned over Raul's white mane to give her a strong hug and whispered, "I've missed you Raul."

_:I know:_ Raul answered and burst into a canter, darting through the trees with a swift grace that a werewolf almost rivaled, but not quite.

"Why are you here?" she asked, worried. Was Raul taking her to Haven? But if so- why the brusqueness, the anger?

_:Faolan, Raleigh is not dead:_ Raul said, sounding angry still, and suddenly Faolan wondered if it wasn't just at her.

"He isn't?" she asked hopefully, her voice cracking as conflicting emotions filled herself. If he wasn't dead then why…? And how…? But ohh, he wasn't dead!

_:No:_ Raul answered fiercely, _:And you've been blocking me so I couldn't tell you and had to come all this way just to break your stupid assumptions:_

"Oh Raul…" Faolan whispered, wrapping her fingers through the Companion's white mane as the wind from their passing pushed back her own red hair, "I'm sorry…."

_:You're forgiven. I'm sorry myself I didn't tell you earlier. I didn't think you'd jump to that conclusion when I told you it wasn't because he'd woken up:_ Raul said, explaining and explaining nothing at the same time.

"Where are we going?" Faolan asked, worried that a werewolf would come looking for her and find her scent intertwined with that of something suspiciously horse-like and unhorse-like.

_:Away. You and I need to talk:_ Raul said shortly, jumping over a lock, her hooves scattering the leaves beneath them.

The two were silent until Raul finally slowed, in a spot that look totally random. Fao figured she was just trying to get out of the werewolves' territory. At the speed they'd been going, it'd take a day for a werewolf to get here. She slid off the Companion's back, her bare feet landing in multicolored leaves. Raul turned to face her and Fao ran her hands along the Companion's face.

"If he's not dead"- Faolan started to say but then choked up, her vision blurring with tears until she took a deep breath and asked, "If he's not dead, then why is he appearing in my dreams?"

_:Because Raleigh is in a coma- a sort of living death:_ Raul said softly and pressed her nose against Fao's shoulder, _:I believe he's appearing in your dreams because, well, when a person is in a coma is when their soul has left their body for a time, usually because of a traumatic event, and no other soul has taken up residence so the body becomes sort of like a discarded husk. Alive, but not alive. You died very near to here, Faolan, I don't know if you realized that, and I believe Raleigh's soul never left this place, and now that you're here, he found you and is appearing in your dreams.:_

"Then- then," Faolan whispered, staring into Raul's blue eyes, "Could I tell him to go back to his body, and would he wake up?"

_:Maybe:_ Raul said, flicking her white ears back thoughtfully, _:But maybe not. It's worth a try. Then again, if he wakes up, what are _you _going to do?_:

"What do you mean?" Faolan asked as the chilly autumn wind gently brushed by them and disappeared into the deeper parts of the woods around them.

_:What will you do? What will it mean to you?_: Raul inquired, her voice soft and steady. Her words betrayed nothing but sincerity.

"I…" Faolan said, and the sat down, peering up through the leaves that were speckled with different colors, to the bright blue of the sky beyond, "I don't know. I guess I would go back to Haven…"

She looked up at Raul. The Companion stared down at her. They stayed like that a long moment and finally Faolan spoke again, "But I can't do that. I have to stay here. And even if I did go to him now, if he found his body again, how would he react to an seven year old lifebonded? But he knows I'm here, and alive- would Rathmir be able to explain to him? And he'd learn that Carry was dead and maybe he wouldn't understand… I couldn't stay here, Raul, I couldn't!"

_:But you can't go either. You have a duty here:_ Raul reminded her, but not in a reprimanding sort of way. Faolan had the feeling she was being led down a trail to a single answer.

"What should I do?" Fao asked, feeling a deep longing to push Raleigh back into his body so he could be alive again…

_:What you know is right:_ Raul answered, giving no answer at all.

"I can't not try to help him," Faolan said, shaking her head and giving the Companion a pleading look, "Raul, I can't do that. Knowing that I could help him, having to wait for the war to end… I can't do that to him. He's _suffering_, Raul."

_:Not even for the good of Valdemar? You are _needed_ here Faolan. Raleigh… is not needed:_ Raul pointed out.

"So should I help him or not help him?" Faolan burst out, standing up and kicking a tree angrily, "I can't do both Raul!"

_:Faolan…:_ Raul said slowly, and swished her silky tail, _:I'm not sure there is an answer here. Try and see if you can show Raleigh the way back to his body. Try and explain things to him if you can, maybe he'll remember when he wakes up, maybe not. But if does wake up, you have to stay here and let things take their own course back at Haven. Either way, you have a hard job to do. Think of Raleigh though… it might be easier for him if he stays asleep a little longer. At this point in time, is it really a kindness to push him back into a world where there is no Carry, where he is weak and without friends, where a war is still raging and he is left alone with terrible memories of what happened to him? Here he still has you, Faolan.:_

"I never thought of it that way," Faolan said and then perked up and asked, "If his soul is here, isn't it somewhere, physically? Could he be in more than just my dreams?"

_:Don't try and find him while you're awake:_ Raul advised, _:I think he's probably _here_, in this area, but he's locked in his own memories. His soul isn't moving around. If you brought him out of himself, so that he saw this place, that might make him go back to his body. And he might see you, which would only confuse him.:_

"What if I told him everything and asked him to stay?" Faolan asked, feeling a deep ache inside her- how could she plot to keep him away from life? But she forced herself to remember Raul's words, for the Companion was right.

Raul gave her the mental equivalent of a shrug, _:Perhaps. But again, once he returns to his body he may not remember anything of these interactions with you.:_

"Alright," Fao said with a sigh and stepped forward to lean against Raul's shoulder, pressing her face against the soft white hair and breathing in Raul's horsey scent, "It won't be easy, but alright."

_:Faolan, if you consider it, it's probably a lot easier than many of the things you're doing right now:_ Raul pointed out and Faolan laughed, _:And Fao- I'm proud of you. You're doing a good job.:_

Faolan returned to the werewolves, where, thankfully, no one had noticed her absence or tracked her to Raul. The Companion herself retreated to far enough away that her mindvoice was faint when Fao spoke to her. She found Taryn, and the two of them spent the rest of the day skipping rocks. Fao told her about how Skylar had taken her off to the side to Change, and Taryn thought that was really awesome.

"What made you Change?" the older girl asked, throwing a rock into the river with a splash, and a laugh.

"Huh?" Fao asked, kneeling by the stony shore, looking for a nice, flat, rock.

"He said great emotion is your werewolf part, right?" Taryn asked, "Or something like that, but that was it, right?"

"I guess…" Faolan said, not really paying attention to the conversation and turning over another muddy stone and trying to summon up that flick of the arm that she had once, in a life ago, used to send rocks hopping across water ten, sometimes even twenty, times.

"So what did you think of to Change?" Taryn asked, her voice turning persistent, "That _was_ you howling this morning, wasn't it?"

"You heard?" Faolan asked, straightening up to stare at Taryn- she hadn't realized anyone other than Skylar had heard her…

"Yeah," Taryn said, "but I'm an early riser."

"Ah," Faolan answered and then Taryn said, "I'm gonna dig out my boots and pants soon. It's getting cold."

"Yeah," Faolan agreed, wondering where she would get boots and pants.

"Who were you howling for?" Taryn asked now, chucking another rock into the water. She'd given up skipping them over half an hour ago.

"Huh?" Faolan said again, putting on a puzzled look.

"No one howls like that unless its for someone else," Taryn said, hefting up a large stone and pointedly staring at Faolan.

"Uh…" Faolan replied.

"Do you miss your family?" Taryn asked, in lee of Faolan's lack of an answer, "My mother died on the front lines, near the very beginning of this war, so I don't really remember her too well and my father is still there, fighting. I only see him about once a year. I was just thinking, its hard for me, knowing my father is in danger every minute, and I could lose him any day, but you… you're parents _disowned_ you. They're both alive, but at least my father still loves me. Is that why you were howling?"

Faolan stared at Taryn. She'd never even wondered about Taryn's parents… There were so many young werewolves around, of course their parents were all on the front lines. She hadn't thought of her own parents in a long time either- she had so many memories of fine parents in her head that the one of this life had sort of submerged below those. In a way, they _had_ disowned her, for her mother didn't take her with her when she ran, and her father had never cared… Fao sighed, it still hurt, but it was a faint ache, a sort of regret. She hardly even thought of them as her parents. If she sat down to think about it, her parents in this life were really Rathmir, and William, to an extent. And Raul.

"Yeah," Faolan whispered, looking at Taryn and letting herself almost believe the lie, "That's why I howled."

The two girls stood there, sort of not looking at each other for a while and then Taryn looked back at Fao and said, "I think you can talk to Skylar. He likes you. Faolan… we're your family now, okay?"

Faolan looked up at Taryn silently and the nodded, thinking, _I have two families. And they are the enemies of each other. The only thing that stands between them is me. The werewolf Herald, and there's nothing I can do to stop the fighting._


	39. The White Wolf

**A/N: This chapter is about Ghost. I'm sorry about the long update time, I've been really busy. I will try and get the next chapter up in a week and keep updating regularly after that. I hope you enjoy this chapter and I want you to know I really, really appreciate feedback and also appreciate your patience in waiting for me to get this story done!**

Raleigh did not return to Faolan's dreams for a few weeks, but for Faolan, it seemed like so much longer. The problems started just before the next full moon, when Faolan was alone in the woods, practicing her archery. It reminded her of the days in the Waystation, doing archery to help her learn control, to give her something constructive to do. She could almost imagine Raul standing behind her, encouraging her as her arrows went everywhere _but_ the target. Fao was now dressed in the long sleeved tunic, pants, and boots that the werewolves wore in the winter. The chill wind that blew around her whipped leaves from the trees and turned her hair into knots could not penetrate her furs, though it turned her ears and fingers red.

Fao nocked the arrow and pulled it back to her cheek, sighting down the wooden shaft at the tree she had made her target. Yellow leaves screamed in front of her path, impending her view and making her wonder why she even bothered to practice on a day like this. Her target was about thirty meters away, and for a tree, it wasn't that big. She'd already had a few arrows spiral so far off that they struck trees almost in a perpendicular direction.

Faolan released the arrow, and it sunk into her target tree about twelve inches from a white haired head. Red eyes stared at her in surprise and Faolan's hands shook in horror- had he been there when she released the arrow? Ghost glanced over at the arrow and reached up to pluck it from the tree. When his white fingers had yanked the arrow from its grip in the wood, he ambled over, moving quietly, the leaves swirling around him.

"Good day, Faolan," Ghost said, his voice soft and lilting; Faolan could hardly hear him over the howl of the wind and rustling of leaves. His whiteness shone in the bright fall sunlight- almost like he was an Angel instead of a Werewolf.

"Hello," Fao answered slowly, lowering her bow and taking the arrow he extended to her, "Sorry about the arrow- I didn't see you."

"Quite alright," Aric answered with a smile, "I'm good at sneaking up on people." He ran a hand through his hair and leaned up against a tree nearby, gazing up at the shining sky with his eyes like blood.

"Uh…" said Faolan uncomfortably. She wanted to keep practicing her archery, but Ghost… did he come to talk about something or was he just hanging around?

"Keep shooting, by all means," Ghost said a moment later when he noticed Fao was just standing there, "Don't let me get in the way. Your skills, by the way, are admirable for someone your age."

"That's the first time I hit the tree," Faolan replied ruefully, nocking another arrow and pausing to flex her fingers before pulling it back. As the string twanged with release her arm also protested and she stretched it out, peering through the trees to see where her arrow went. It was not in the tree. With a sigh she meandered down to find it. She'd already lost one arrow- hidden under the leaves or something…

"Still," Ghost said when she returned and he shrugged.

"Why are you here?" Faolan finally asked as she plucked an arrow from the cluster she had protruding from the ground.

Ghost looked surprised and he shrugged again, "I'm not really sure. You're an interesting character Faolan… We have backgrounds that are relatable…"

"Valdemar is no longer my home," Fao answered roughly, feeling bothered.

"Nor is it mine," Ghost said sadly, shaking his head and staring off into the distance.

"Why aren't you fighting?" Fao asked suddenly, digging the arrow back into the ground and staring up at Ghost.

He looked back at her in surprise and then smiled and answered, "I can't. I have never been blessed with the ability to slay with weapons. Swords practically jump from my hands. I was born to have claws, I sometimes think."

"Do… do you have true control?" Fao whispered up at him, feeling insanely curious yet also wary. Skylar didn't trust him but then again… did Faolan really know Skylar?

Ghost simply stared at her for a long time and then he nodded, "I do. I've had it since before I ever lived with these werewolf mercenaries."

Now it was Faolan's turn to stare at Ghost. Was that disgust in his voice? Or just a simple statement of fact? Uneasy, Faolan picked up all her arrows and walked down through the woods to gather up strays, intending to go back to camp. She didn't really feel like practicing anymore.

"When did you become a werewolf?" Ghost asked, trailing her as they wandered through the autumn woods, moving as silent as a cat.

Fao glanced back at him. He'd never really answered her question of why he had come. Was he stalking her? Nervously she shrugged and kept walking, pretending that she either hadn't heard or that her shrug was the answer. Leaves crunches under her feet and the wind curled around her in an enticing way, inviting her to play.

"Do you ever miss- not being a werewolf?" Ghost asked when Faolan stopped near the edge of the village. No one was around. Faolan looked up at him nervously- no wonder Skylar was suspicious of Ghost!

"I don't really remember much before," she admitted to him, "I was bitten when I was I was three, really little."

"Of course," Ghost nodded. They both stared into the village, but neither of them moved.

Finally Ghost added, "I'm sorry Faolan, if my questions disturb you. It's just… doesn't _this_ family ever disturb you?"

Faolan looked up at him and then said, "I've never had any other family." She strode into the village and deposited her bow and arrows with the other weapons before going off in search of food and Taryn. Ghost did not follow.

That evening was the night before the full moon, and Faolan felt it as she never had before. It made her long to run the windswept forest hills and howl at the moon. Taryn stood beside her as they gathered with all the other werewolves in the center of the village. Breath steamed out in white puffs around them and everyone was quiet as Skylar made his way to the center, looking more like a bear than a wolf.

"Good evening," he growled at them from behind bushy black eyebrows, "Welcome to the first full moon of Autumn. Let the moon fill your veins and I will meet you here again in morning, once we have all slipped out of our furs and crept back into a human life. Enjoy the night."

As he ended his short speech, the moon appeared from behind him, silhouetting him with its harsh white light and enhancing his sort of bestial appearance.

This full moon, Faolan looked at the white orb that had almost brought her death four years ago, and she no longer hated it, or dreaded its existence. She closed her eyes and let the light wrap around her body, drinking it in with her mind and soul. Fao slipped into wolf form like one pulls on clothes, and when she opened her eyes Taryn stood before her, a lanky young wolf. Faolan herself was much bigger than she had been her first change, and as she inhaled the scents of the night, she recalled those first Changes, so painful and emotionally stressful, when she galvanized the forest and plotted to rule the world, when Raul was her enemy by night and her best friend by day…

Taryn leapt off into the woods and Fao was quick to follow. They romped in the leaves and chased each other through the trees, running over rocks and logs and attempting to catch squirrels and the mice that scampered under the leaves at night. But suddenly, when the night was nearly through, Faolan found herself running through the trees alone. Taryn had disappeared.

She gave a short bark, but there was no answer. Faolan knew where _she_ was- but where was Taryn? Nervous she let out a short howl, but again, there was no response and so Faolan started following her own track back, intending to find Taryn's trail again and chase her down. But before this happened, a white shape materialized, lithe and red eyed. The fur on his back stood up and he looked angry. Faolan stepped backwards uneasily, eyeing him carefully before giving a low whine that Faolan intended as a question.

Ghost only stared back at her, as if surprised to find her there, like she caught him in the middle of doing something he shouldn't have been doing. Faolan glanced to the east, where the sky was lightening. The moon was sinking low and soon it would disappear over the horizon. Feeling satisfied Ghost wasn't about to do anything crazy, Fao started to slink past him, heading back towards the path.

A growl from deep within the white wolf stopped Fao. She turned back to stare at him, tail low and close to her body. He smelled angry, Fao noticed, and he smelled scared. But why? Had he and Skylar gotten into a fight? She started to move off again but Ghost growled again, and turned his red eyes back upon her, making it clear the growl was directed at her movement. Faolan whined at him, confused and tugged at her Gift- she could only smell emotions so far.

Cautiously she reached through her shields and let his emotions touch hers. A thick, deep, rolling anger throbbed through her, one that went deeper and farther back than a day's argument could. And she had been right, there was fear too, a curling, horrible sort of fear that made Faolan quickly retreat- what was wrong with Aric?

Faolan huddled against the leafy ground, frozen by Ghost's icy stare. But then the white wolf lifted up his head and howled, and dark lonely howl. Fao did not join him, nor did she hear any answering howls. Then he leapt, bowling into Faolan and flipping her on her back so that his paws pressed her into the ground and their faces were only inches apart. She could feel hit hot breath against her neck and a shiver went through her as she recalled the day she was bitten.

A low, deep growl burst from Ghost's throat and Faolan struggled against the weight and power of the full grown werewolf. _:RAUL!:_ she screamed, knowing the Companion was too far away to do anything.

But as he stood over her, growling, the fur was slowly inching back into his skin, his face was changing, and his shape reverting back to human. Faolan hardly noticed, but the same was happening to her. Scared still, she retreated back to her Gift. It wasn't trained to be used _on_ other's emotions, but there was nothing else she could do.

"You asked me how I gained true control!" Ghost screamed when he was human enough to have a voice, "And I will tell you!"

"Ghost!" Faolan screamed at him, struggling as his fingers pressed into her skin, "STOP!"

"I killed my family, Faolan!" he cried at her, and Faolan noticed tears streaming down his cheeks, "I killed them all! After I was bitten out in the country, I returned home and told no one of what had happened. I hoped nothing would come of it. I told myself it was just a mad wolf. But then the night, a night like this, came, and I changed for the first time. I killed my family. I killed my wife- her throat was torn out before she was even awake, and when my children, my babies, came into the room at the noise, I ripped Tommy's head off and ate Sarah's heart out! THAT is how I gained true control, Faolan! Being a werewolf is no game! If you had any sense, you'd return to Valdemar and let them lynch you! Let them burn you alive, because it's better than anything that can happen to you here. They've lost their souls, Faolan, every one of them, including me! GO BACK TO VALDEMAR!"

Faolan closed her eyes, feeling herself weeping too at this barrage of information. She hadn't been so pushy as to drive him to this, had she? And she dropped her shields, reaching into the tangled mess of emotions that composed the werewolf. Almost my instinct she pulled at the strings that were untangled and smooth, and softened his hatred, softened his anger, told him he was forgiven and pushed her own emotions onto him. Ghost fell back, his now naked and hairless body cradled by starlit leaves. He was sobbing, and wrapped his arms around himself as Faolan kept pushing his emotions, desperation driving her.

Fao pulled herself to her feet as there was a shout through the trees and Skylar appeared, looking ferocious and angry and still half in wolf form- thick black fur covering parts of his body and claws still protruding from his fingers. He saw Ghost and leapt at him, sinking long claws into that pale, white, white skin.

"NO!" Faolan screamed, running over to pull at Skylar as hot red blood spurted from the gashes Skylar was tearing in him, "He didn't hurt me!"

Skylar whirled on her and pushed her up against a tree, the claw slowly sinking back into fingernails and he growled, "Are you with him? Are you working together? _How long have you been a spy?_"


	40. The Herald

**A/N: Even though it has been less than a week I couldn't wait any longer to put this up. Plus the last was a cliff hanger so I suppose I should get the next one up quicker. I'd just like to say that I am really enjoying writing this story and revealing more and more to myself and to you guys. Thanks for reading and giving me feedback so I can keep writing!!**

"STOP IT!" Ghost yelled and pushed forward, shoving Skylar off of Faolan. The light was gray around them, and the two- one black, one white, stared at each other for a second, eyes burning and breath coming in short. Faolan slowly slid down the tree, the bark scraping against her bare skin and her blue eyes wide as she watched the scene unfold.

Skylar only waited that one second. And then he leapt, claws extending again and his fur growing thick and long again. The two met midair- white and black in the scene of gray- but this time Skylar did not immediately leave red gashes upon Ghost- for the white werewolf was ready, and thick white fur covered _his_ body. In seconds, it seemed, they were both fully in wolf form and the air rang with the snap of teeth on teeth and the throaty growls of the werewolves.

Ghost's teeth sank into Skylar's shoulder and the two rolled into the leaves, a ball of growling fur. They were fairly equally matched- Skylar was a bit more hulking, but Ghost was quick and his claws darted quick as his red eyes. Soon both their hides were streaked with wet streaks that Fao knew were red- but couldn't quite see in that light. She sat, huddling under the tree, sides shaking with cold and fear. It was all over know- if Skylar knew. But why was Ghost defending her? A moment ago, it had been Skylar- for she was sure he had first come in _her_ defense…

And then Skylar managed to get a hold on Ghost, and he threw the other wolf against a tree. The white body hit with a sickening _smack!_ and he dropped to the foot of the tree. A low, horrible moan escaped his mouth and for a second Faolan thought he was dead. But after another gasp he pulled himself to his feet. When Skylar saw he was still up for the fight, he leapt, a black blur and shoved Ghost into the dirt, the two sliding over a meter through the leaves.

But now Ghost was underneath, and his quick jaws latched onto Skylar's throat. With all four paws he pushed the werewolf over and flipped him, pushing him down into the ground. The black wolf gave a half whine/growl and his claws ripped into Ghost as he tried to gain his ground back. Ghost's teeth sunk further into Skylar's throat and the leader of the werewolves started to struggle frantically, his jaws snapping together on empty air.

"Don't kill him!" Faolan screamed, the words ripping from her mouth as it occurred to her death was hovering near Skylar. But at the look on the red eyes that seemed to drip blood, she fell silent, terrified.

However- Ghost's momentary pause had been enough and the fight broke out again, with Skylar slamming Ghost onto a rock and using his greater weight to hold the white wolf firmly on the ground. Chest heaving, Ghost stared up into his opponent's eyes, and after a last growl, he subsided.

Faolan watched, and the two slowly crept back into their human forms, but Skylar didn't move in position, and he held the albino firmly down, his hands wrapped around Ghost's shoulders. Blood leaked freely from dozens of wounds, and the ground around them was spattered with blood. Faolan noticed with horror that Skylar's throat dripped with blood.

"Tell me, Aric," Skylar rasped angrily, "Why exactly is it that Faolan should go back to Valdemar?"

Ghost stared back silently, his eyes at once sullen and cautious. But he made no answer; Faolan noticed the muscles in his arms were twitching. His body dripped with sweat and blood, despite the slight wind that had picked up, a chill, cold one, and Faolan shivered.

"Neither of us are spies!" she finally yelled at them, to break the deadly silence spreading between the two of them.

Both Skylar and Ghost turned to look at her, one set of eyes red, the other black, but in the predawn with human eyes, Faolan wouldn't have been able to tell the color of a leaf, and both men's eyes were shadowed.

"If he's not a spy, he's a traitor," Skylar informed Faolan darkly, "Go back to Valdemar?" then he turned to Aric and breathed, "Why did you join us if you never wanted to be a werewolf? _Why did you even come here?_"

Ghost looked away and Faolan saw a tear streaking down his cheek and he whispered, so soft Fao could barely hear, "I have nowhere else to go…" then he looked up, his eyes staring towards Fao and he added, "I'm sorry, Faolan, for my outburst. It's just… you look a lot like my daughter and maybe I thought… I don't know. But sometimes I think none of you…" Ghost glanced at Skylar as he said his, "None of you understand how terrible this curse can be. Our livelihood comes from killing. How can a species live like this?"

"It's the only way," Skylar growled and stood up, looking at Ghost in disgust.

He sighed and clenched his fists, giving Ghost a warning look, telling him to stay on the ground. Faolan stared up at Skylar, knees to her chest and arms wrapped around her legs, saying nothing, wondering what there was that she _could_ say. For a second she thought Skylar had somehow discovered… but no, it appeared she was simply guilty by association in his eyes. Hopefully. And Fao knew that Ghost was no spy- if Valdemar had a spy before this they wouldn't have needed her- and they would have known the enemy was composed of werewolves.

"However," Skylar then turned on Ghost with a nasty smile, "If you think Faolan here would be better off burned in Valdemar that does leave one thing up to question… why aren't _you_ burning in Valdemar, then, my dearest, loyal friend?"

"Not everyone has the courage to kill his or herself," Ghost snapped back darkly and Faolan saw that a fine lining of white hair was still all over his body. Skylar too- was much hairier than in normal human form.

"The world would have been better off if _you_ had that courage," Skylar growled.

Ghost simply stared back at Skylar and Faolan felt a momentary pang of sympathy- but it was Ghost who had gotten her into this mess. She looked at Skylar, searching his face, feeling like she was waiting to be led to her own hanging- did he still think she was a spy too? Ghost finally nodded and Fao knew it was her turn now. The albino had started to climb to his feet when a new white shape suddenly appeared five meters away, glowing in the morning light. At the exact moment she appeared, the sun peaked its face over the mountains, lighting her up in many colors. It was Raul, and sweat dripped down her heaving sides.

_:Raul!:_ she yelled in delight, in relief and she jumped to her feet. It was all over, _all over_, but Raul was here and they could escape and she could go home and maybe even Raleigh…

Skylar and Ghost stared at the horse like apparition, in shock and amazement, and slowly the white man's eyes turned and met Faolan's. For a second they stared at each other, blue eyes to red, and then he gave her a brief nod and a smile so quick she almost missed it, and he ran over to Raul. Before either Fao or Skylar, or even Raul, could react, his lithe body had swung up onto her back.

"No!" Faolan screamed, suddenly realizing what he was doing. Raul hesitated for a second and Faolan felt sick, but then the Companion whirled sideways and in moments her hoof beats had faded into the night, leaving Fao feeling more alone than ever.

The silence around them was broken with birdcalls, cheerful and happy now that the sun was up. An icy light was spreading and Faolan looked up at Skylar. They stood, gazing at each other in the scene torn with paw marks and a few scattered hoof prints. _What have I done?_ Faolan wondered.

Skylar seemed to be in shock. Half an hour must have passed, in which Faolan sat shivering for the first five minutes before her sense came back and she turned into a wolf, to then cuddle up at the tree and watch the man as he stood, gazing off to the distance where Raul had spirited the albino away.

Finally, he turned to Fao and said, "Back to camp."

He walked, in human form, apparently unaffected by the cold and hard ground. Faolan slinked after him, her stomach rolling and her paws quiet against the leaves. Before they reached camp, Skylar stopped and turned to stare at Faolan with blank, dead like eyes, and he said slowly, "I am sorry you were ever involved in this, Faolan. There was no way you, or any of us, including me, could have guessed he was a Herald…"

Then he turned and made his way back into the camp to a group of startled changelings- startled at the look of death on the face of their leader and the bloody wounds covering his body. He didn't need to say anything, for they all followed him to the center of the village and waited in uncomfortable silence for Skylar to speak.

"One of us is a betrayer," he spoke, his voice still torn and raspy and Faolan looked nervously at the wound on his throat, "And he has left us. But we will not let him escape. All those big enough to fight, come with me. Thorne, you stay with those too young."

Skylar gave Faolan a pointed look at this- as if she would want to track down Ghost! About ten of the villagers stepped forward, already discarding their leathers and growing fur instead. The rest- about twenty more of them, were all too young and a few, Faolan noticed, that were too old, like Thorne, an old werewolf with a graying beard and hair.

"_Herald_ Aric will not live to see tomorrow's dawn!" Skylar howled as he slipped back into wolf form and, wounds and all, sprang off into the woods.

_:Take care, Raul,:_ Faolan sent to the Companion, _:They're pursuing.:_

_:I thought they would,:_ Raul said, and Faolan heard the worry in her mindvoice.

She then sat down, still in wolf form, her tail curled around her, and stared at the ashes of the fire pit, wondering what burst of selflessness had spurred Ghost to save Faolan the death that Skylar meant to give the white werewolf. Fao had been sure that her time as a spy was over, for Skylar knew- or maybe he was just guessing, and Raul was coming to save her… It felt strange, as she later wound her way through the wooden huts, to still be there, alive and innocently viewed, when she should have been fleeing on her way back to Valdemar… She sighed, and thought of Raleigh, and longed to be with him, and see him wake.

_:Fao…:_ Raul spoke to her Chosen a little later, and the girl sensed she was still running.

_:Yes?:_ she asked, as she watched the village.

_:Aric… He wants me to leave him,:_ Raul said, her voice reluctant and uneasy, _:He says he has nothing else to live for and would rather die fighting…:_

Faolan felt a pang of grief inside her and she lay down, placing her head on her paws- in the moment when Faolan would have been revealed as the true spy, he had stepped forward to take her place- didn't he deserve life for that? Raul could bring him to Valdemar, where he'd be safe, she could outrun the werewolves easily…

_:But he can't die now!:_ Faolan cried out to Raul, _:Not now! He saved me, Raul! He saved us!:_

_:I can't stop him if he wants to go, Faolan,:_ the Companion answered, _:He knew what he was doing when he ran to me. He knew he was signing his own death warrant.:_

_:No, don't let him, Raul!:_ Faolan pleaded, but she knew it was no good.

_:He… Aric- Skylar will track us to the end, over the border. They don't need speed when they have noses and Faolan, I really need to be here with you. It's not my job to escort betrayers to a place where they may not even be accepted…Fao, he says… he says goodbye, Fao,:_ Raul said and Faolan despaired.

That evening Skylar and the hunters returned. None of them spoke, least of all Skylar, and Faolan watched them from behind a hut, her blue eyes gleaming in the light of the setting sun. It set red and Faolan thought of Aric's blood red eyes, and when she finally turned back into human form, in the safety and warmth of her own hut, she wept for him as the sun of his last day went down behind the mountains separating Valdemar and Karse.


	41. Aftermath

_ He's says goodbye_. The words floated around in Faolan's head as she went through the motions of life, sleeping, eating, training for a war she probably wouldn't ever _fight _in- but if she did, it would be on the other side. She went through the motions like a zombie. Taryn didn't asked why, and Fao figured later Skylar probably told her about what happened in the woods. They probably thought she was just in shock about the whole situation.

Skylar actually took her aside a day later, his dark eyes soft. He moved with a slight limp and Fao could tell his wounds still hurt him- not surprising since he hadn't really doctored them by running through the woods for a day after receiving them. When his fingers, rough with calluses, touched her shoulder, Fao started to flinch away, but Skylar forced her to listen, kneeling down and taking hold of her shoulders.

"Fao, what happened there was not your fault," Skylar said fiercely, his voice holding a soft note it had not held when he spoke to Aric, "I'm sorry I yelled at you, I know its hard for you coming out of Valdemar to live here. It was hard on Aric too, as you can see, but none of that is your fault. You don't deserve to go back to Valdemar. You _belong_ here, Faolan. We'll take care of you."

And Fao just stared up at him, knowing he could never understand. He thought she was only eight years old and as innocent as she acted. But Faolan was nowhere near eight years old, and she had the weight of Valdemar hanging on her shoulders. But she could not say any of this to Skylar, because her place was here, playing the role Skylar thought Aric had done, and doing so in silence.

A couple of days later Raleigh appeared in her dreams again.

"_I've been thinking," he said, "Not that I can think, since supposedly I'm a figment of your memory…"_

"_Yes?" I asked him, feeling a mixture of fear and excitement, for now I knew for sure that this was really Raleigh I was speaking to. _

"_I think maybe I'm a ghost," he said, "But I can't really see the world. Can you see it, Carry? Or are you an angel, sent down to lead me to the Havens?"_

Shit_, I thought. He was really confused. I shouldn't have said anything. I thought of my discussion with Raul and stayed silent. The incident with Aric… I was no incapable of doing anything that wouldn't be for Valdemar. His death… it was something new. His sacrifice… it would not be in vain. Even if it meant I had to cause the direct death of every werewolf in that village, I would do it. Because they were attacking Valdemar. And if this meant keeping Raleigh from waking up, so be it. If it meant Raleigh waking up and me staying here, so be it. But even if it's selfish, I knew I wanted him here. Because aside from Raul, he was the only friend I had._

"_I don't know anything, Raleigh," I finally whispered to him, "I'm sorry."_

"_It's all right Carry," he said, sitting down and hanging his head into his hands, "I just wish I knew… has it all been in vain? Did I die for a reason?"_

"_It's not in vain," I whispered to him, stepping closer to his despairing form, "It won't be in vain, Raleigh. I won't let it be."_

Faolan slowly came out of her mood after seeing Raleigh. Aric's death had opened her eyes a little wider. She was tougher- Aric shouldn't have died, but oddly enough, she felt even closer to the werewolves than she had before. Even though she also felt farther- as the true guilty one in their midst, she looked at the werewolves now, truly looked at them. Before, she had distanced herself in order to avoid the pain that was inevitable when one of them died. But now that inevitable had come, and because of her, Aric was dead.

So now she looked at the faces that sat around the fire at nights, sharing meat with her, and she put names to those faces. There was Skylar of course, and Magdalia, and Taryn, and now Thorne too. But there were others. Individuals, with stories all their own. And Faolan felt she owed it to them to learn there stories so if they died, if they died because of her, she could at least tell their story and maybe a war like this would never happen again.

And the werewolves saw that Faolan had changed. She was no longer the shy, fierce redhead, an orphan, who talked to few and seemed distant. To them, that was when she first became one of them, for though they had always held open arms to her, she had only ever accepted the friendship of Taryn and Skylar.

She learned their names and their ways. Thorne had three daughters fighting now, fighting to earn the control that would allow them live. His wife had died in the war, and as Fao would learn, there were few who did not know those who died. They were a hard people. The children younger than her were Vidar- two years old and just a puppy when he changed. He liked eating ants and when Fao approached the kids as they played under Magdalia's watchful eye, he would change into his wolf pup form to bite the heels of those he didn't know. Kalvin was a year older, and Vidar's brother and seemed to have a darker streak. He treated his younger brother roughly, and rejected the warmth of Magdalia and Faolan- his and Vidar's parents were both on the front. It made Faolan wonder at what age they _usually_ went to war. She really only knew Skylar's story, and he'd gained control when he was fifteen. No wonder people cheered for the name of Skylar Bearsbane. Speaking of which, she still didn't know why he was called Bearsbane anyway…

But of those in this village, and this was not the only village of werewolves, there was also Olaf, a middle aged man who had recently gained true control and had been sent back to the village when they were winning, and had an excess of soldiers. Faolan learned there was always some dispute as to whether or not they should keep those with true control on the lines- after all, Karse had enough soldiers to fight the war, though werewolves were an elite sort of soldier. From what Fao gathered, it was usually up to the werewolf. Olaf had chosen to return. Fao wondered why Skylar, obviously a warrior, had chosen to come back here. Either way, it wasn't surprising he was the leader, despite his youth.

Faolan also met Nils and Savea, a couple who'd fought together. From what they told Fao, they were opposed to war, as much as a werewolf could be, and were the most peaceful werewolves she'd ever met. Savea had a sort Druidic appearance and feeling, she wore her hair loose and knew every edible plant from the Dhorisha Plains to Lake Evendim. Despite the large amount of meat consumed by werewolves, they were still human, and it was Nils and Savea who did the gathering part of the group of hunters and gatherers.

Halle was an older woman, wizened in the werewolf ways and the teller of stories when Skylar wasn't inducting new members. She claimed to be older than dirt and Faolan liked her. She felt a bit of kinship will Halle's age, for though the old woman didn't remember her past lives she had a feel of wisdom, as older people often do, that Fao gravitated towards.

Esben was a warrior from another village farther south. He'd never been part of this war, and since he'd never shown an prowess as a war leader, he simply went with the villages. He had a craggy face and his wolf form was brindled. Apparently, when he'd hired out as a mercenary in his youth, he'd been shot in the neck. He survived, but had lost his voice in the process.

Then there were the younger ones. Like Donar, a sixteen year old youth that obviously worshipped Skylar. He was in the training classes with Faolan, and wielded a sword like he wielded his claws. His hair was blond and wispy- but as a wolf he was just brownish. He had yet to gain true control, and Faolan wondered if he'd be one to gain it in this war.

Toril was in her early twenties, and Fao could never figure out much about her. She wore her hair short cropped, like a man, and Fao had the uneasy feeling that if she could have chosen, she would have chosen to be a man, instead of just looking like one. She seemed a skilled enough warrior to be on the front, but she wasn't, for some reason.

And then there was Torvald. He probably spent half his time in wolf form. Fao wondered if he'd actually gained true control, because he seemed very angry and prone to outbursts. He was Donar's father, and the two seemed very close.

There were quite a few other children; in fact, most of the werewolves in the village were underage. There was a pair of twins, both with straight black hair, Aren and Bjorn that were never seen away from each other. They were under the care of Magdalia, so Faolan assumed their parents were at war. There was also Davin, a brown haired youth, Fao judged him to be about eight, who was more monkey than wolf. He was always in trees and had a very sneaky expression on his face most of the time. Dyre was a four year old with hair so blond it looked white. Faolan wasn't sure if she'd learned to talk yet because no words ever escaped her. Her parents too, were at war or dead. Roscoe was twelve, and very energetic- and noisy. Faolan often saw him bouncy around the village, wolf form or human. Sigourney was eleven and seemed to worship Roscoe… or something. The other children were Mikko, Mariuerla, Loki, Lars, Langer, Kirsi, Jorn, and Wray, and though Faolan didn't know it, she'd soon grow to know them all.

No one seemed to question the fact that Aric had been a Herald- after all, there had been a Companion with him. From what Fao slowly gathered over the weeks after his death, they'd found him in wolf form, against a wall of rock, and a Companion had stood fiercely beside him. They'd attacked, and there'd been a fight, but once Aric was dead the Companion had run off. The werewolves knew very little about Heralds and Companions, except that the Karsites considered them demons. From what Fao heard, it hadn't occurred to any of them to think the Companion was any danger once Aric was dead. This was good- for it meant Raul could still wander the hills relatively near, and that she would not be hunted down.

_:He died bravely,:_ Raul informed her once, when she found Faolan dwelling on him, _:Do not mourn him too long though- in some ways, I think his death was inevitable, regardless of whether or not you came.:_

A few weeks later Skylar told them that they had to move their village. He would had preferred to stay, but the werewolves working in command with Karse demanded this- and it really only made sense. It was sad, Faolan thought, watching the werewolves gather their things from the makeshift huts that would soon house the warriors. There was an air of home about the place, and Faolan wondered if they ever had any permanent villages except in extended wars, like this one, that had already endured over a decade. It gave her the shivers to think of how far the front had pushed into Valdemar- and how long it had stayed there. Now, _finally_, the tide was changing- but how much longer would the war go on? Karse could still win, because the knowledge of the werewolves only slightly evened the sides- they were still werewolves with all the strength of Karse behind them. Which all centered down to one question that Faolan wondered every day- _how much longer will I be here?_

**A/N: Please review!**_  
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	42. Wise By Age

_Twang!_ A hundred yards away, an arrow sunk neatly into the exact center of a target and Faolan set the tip of her bow on the ground with a satisfied smile. Her hair was long now, and she had it tied back into a ponytail with a leather thong. The past six years had changed her, and she was over five feet tall with a skinny, lanky sort of look.

It was summer, but it didn't feel like it. The village had shrunk some- no werewolves were returning now; Karse was feeling the toll of the war and demanding that more and more of the werewolves step forward. There were other villages, this was not the only one, scattered throughout the mountainous border, and from what Skylar said in his monthly reports, things were much the same.

The war had become one of attrition- if it hadn't been one before. After in the initial burst in strength on Valdemar's part once the werewolves had been revealed and Faolan settled in as a spy, the border had settled into a new spot, one that gave Valdemar more land than before the war, and Karse a little less. But in those mountains, with the werewolves that snuck across lines and attacked at night, the war was difficult. Little ground was gained, and Faolan felt sometimes that it wouldn't end until every last soldier from each other country and been thrown onto the front, and then every man, until there was no one left to fight. And then the war would end, with no winner and no loser.

The six years slipped by quicker than they would have for a normal fourteen year old, because Faolan remembered living far longer than fourteen years, and she remembered most of those fourteen years a lot better than she would have otherwise. Sometimes she despaired at how little she had learned, and sometimes she rejoiced at how much she had. Sometimes she despaired of ever seeing Rathmir again, or ever riding Raul freely, guiding Valdemar in peace, and sometimes she rejoiced in knowing that she was helping Valdemar in a way only she could, and when she forgot about the war she rejoiced in the friends she had made among the werewolves- friends that she betrayed with every breath she took in the new village.

Raleigh had not woken up either. Nor had he permanently left for the Havens. Faolan was never sure whether or not to be happy or sad about this, but she did enjoy the nights when he appeared in her dreams. He seemed to be getting more tired though, and more confused. Fao had the feeling that time passed differently for him- sometimes after a month without seeing him he'd appear and continue a conversation as if there hadn't been a large gap of time in between the last sentences exchanged.

In the times when she did get to see Raul, the Companion had given her Gift lessons, and by now Faolan could fairly accurately read and manipulate the emotions of those around her- though not to any powerful extent. She could, if careful, funnel anger away from someone, or cheer them up when depressed, but nothing more than that. She could read someone's surface thoughts, but not dig into their memories. But Faolan did not want powerful Gifts- she had those already, in the form of her past lives, and in being a werewolf.

Faolan had gotten to know all those living in the village, and considered more than Taryn a close friend- though none could ever _truly_ be close. Roscoe and Sigourney, now eighteen and seventeen, respectively, often joined Faolan in free time. Though the elder was no longer quite as bouncy, he still had a sort of wild energy about him that Fao admired. Sigourney, Fao could never quite tell- he was quiet, and just followed Roscoe around, rarely voicing his opinion in the conversations.

"Good job, Faolan," a hoarse, gruff voice said. Fao looked up to see Esben standing there, his hands thrust into the pockets of his pants. His brownish hair cascaded down his back, only held by a leather thong, like Fao's. Esben did the training of the older werewolves in training, while Skylar stuck to the kids, and focused on gaining control of the werewolf form. Everyone Fao trained with now was nearing enough skill to go to the front, definitely in case of being a werewolf, and only somewhat when it came to weapons. Donar had left two years ago, and everyone agreed he could have left even earlier. It had been around then that Faolan had finally learned what determined who stayed and who went. It was Esben who had done the explaining.

"How long will he be gone?" Faolan had asked Taryn as they watched Donar, in wolf form, as was tradition, bound off through the woods towards the front.

"We won't know until he returns," Esben had answered for Taryn, stepping forward, "It is different with every person. Skylar, for example, was only on the front for three years. He returned because he is not a warrior- he is a teacher, and a leader. I am here too, to teach, because although I can fight, I can also show others how to fight like I do, and not all warriors have that gift. Torvald, Donar's father, he is also not a warrior, though I think he wishes he was. Does that answer your question, Faolan?"

Faolan nodded, and her memories drifted back to Ghost, who had, in a moment of brilliant clarity of thought, realized, upon seeing Raul, that Faolan was a Herald, and decided to sacrifice himself to save her. He had told her, before that day, that the reason _he_ didn't fight was because he couldn't, either. It made sense, and as Donar was gone by now, she nodded to Taryn and the two peeled off from the group.

"Thank you," Faolan said to Esben, lowering her bow and looked at the row of other young werewolves shooting at targets hung on the trees. It was morning, and around noon they were going to set off to go on a hunt, but this would be no ordinary hunt, for all would stay in human form, and the bow would be their instruments of death.

"Won't be long now for you, Fao," he said with a grin, "You're practically a master of both sword and bow and Skylar tells me you were ready for true control at least three years ago."

Faolan shrugged- she couldn't tell if Esben was just complimenting her or asking for an explanation. The old werewolf always sounded gruff, no matter what his words were.

"What about _me_, Esben?" Roscoe's voice rang through the woods from about ten feet away, where he had paused to listen to the conversation, "I get to go before Faolan, right?"

"We'll see," Esben growled at the boy and so Ros only sighed, and resumed shooting. Faolan copied him and a while later Esben shouted, "Lower your bows and collect your arrows!"

A few nights later Faolan sat beneath a tree, a mile or so from the new village, and talked to Raul in her mind. They never saw each other physically anymore- the risk was just too great, but they enjoyed a long mental meeting at least once a month- and they conversed lightly much more often. This night, Raul sounded worried.

_:Faolan…,:_ she finally said, _:Aram has related to me some… news.:_

_:Aram?:_ Faolan echoed, shifting her position under the tree and enjoying the warm summer evening. The winters had been far too cold in the past few years, and Faolan cherished her memories of long ago inside the warm Heraldic Collegium.

_:The Queen's Companion,:_ Raul said, and her voice sounded edgy.

_:What is it, Raul?:_ the girl asked her Companion, _:Did something change?:_

_:No… well. It's just that the Queen feels we need someone on the front, what with the way the war has been going. For the past year they've been considering it…:_

_:Considering what?:_ Faolan demanded.

_:You. On the front. Well, maybe not in battle, but around those who are. They want you to get to know the command, start getting troop movement plans, tactical plans, that sort of thing. You've done so much just here in the village but…:_

_:It's not enough,:_ Faolan finished, _:And I'm the only one who can be a spy in this war. I get it… But Raul, I can't go to the front until Skylar gives me the okay.:_

_:I've told them this. They want you to nudge him,:_ Raul informed Fao, _:Use your Gifts.:_

_:I'm not sure…: _Fao answered, picking up a stick and fiddling with it, _:Never mind. I can do it.:_

_:All right Faolan. Just… be careful,: _Raul said, and Fao heard the sadness in the Companion mare's voice. It was, after all, her job to protect Fao, but for the last seven odd years, Fao had been in a place no Companion, indeed no horse, ever really went.

_:I miss you too,: _Faolan said, and gave the Companion a mental hug before coming full back to her body and standing up with a stretch.

**A/N: Sorry this chapter is short, and about the long update time. I have been exceedingly busy, and will try and update more often, as always... Actually, I tried to put this up a week ago but wouldn't let me upload for some reason and now is my next chance to get on the comp... Reviews are greatly appreciated and are proven to increase updating! Thank you for reading!!**


	43. Inside and Outside

**A/N: Here it is. The long awaited next chapter. Today I finally have some real free time so I'll try and write a few more chapters so hopefully the next one will be up within a week instead of two weeks later. I apologize once more for the long update time, beg you to forgive me, read this anyway, and then tell me what you think. Profuse thanks go to those who reviewed the last chapter!!! Those two reviews were what made me sit down today and write another chapter- so this is for you guys.**

"Skylar?" Faolan asked nervously, approaching the man through the makeshift huts of the new village. Well, relatively new- for Faolan, they were older than the first werewolf village she'd lived in. Her throat felt dry, uncomfortably so, and Fao wondered how she would broach this…

"Yeah?" the now twenty-four year old werewolf asked, look at Faolan through dark, dark eyes. His hair had grown long enough that now he kept it tied back in a bushy ponytail, revealing the shape of his face more.

It was a few weeks later, and Faolan had finally worked up what meager courage she could to try and pressure Skylar into sending her off to war. It had been hard, especially because Faolan didn't really _want_ to go to the front. She'd spent the last seven years out with the werewolves- half her life, really, and to tell the truth, she was used to it. She was _used_ to spying, used to pretending to only pretend to be one of them, used to not thinking about the fact that she was both Werewolf and Herald, used to telling herself she could truly belong to both communities. Deep down, she knew that someday she'd have to leave the werewolves, or kill them, or somehow betray them utterly when all they'd done for her was give her a home and take her as one of their own… Not that she needed that but still, their acceptance was gratifying. So Faolan didn't think about this- didn't think about the day she'd have to leave them for good, and never see them again. Didn't think about the fact that she never truly saw them as enemy.

So it took her a few weeks. But the Herald in her knew what had to be done. It wasn't like she really had a choice, either. She was an Arrow of the Queen, what the Queen ordered, it was her duty to do it. Faolan took some comfort in the knowledge that Raul hadn't repudiated her yet- if Raul still accepted her, it meant she was still a Herald, no matter how much she felt like a Werewolf.

_And all my past lives don't make it any easier. Or if they do, I'm not noticing it_, Faolan thought as she looked into Skylar's eyes.

"I want true control," she said slowly, softly, earnestly. She'd planned out exactly what she'd say- her past lives gave her that much knowledge, at least. She knew _how_ to get Skylar to do what she wanted, it was the _implementation_ of that how that was hard.

"Don't we all?" Skylar asked with a smile, starting to turn into a joke.

"Skylar!" Fao said loudly, thrusting her hands into her pockets, "I'm serious. I've come a long way from when you first found me wandering through the woods half crazy."

"Actually you were quite sane," Skylar pointed out with another smile. Fao stared at him. He was being odd. Skylar never made jokes. At least- not since she knew him. He always kept a sort of brooding, angry look. She knew it was from the war- did his joking manner now mean something had changed? She felt a pang of worry and reached out with her empathy, tentatively touching Skylar's soul.

A rush of worry raced into her, twisting her stomach. Faolan stared at the leader of the werewolves. He was worried? But he- when Skylar was worried it just made him brood more. That still didn't explain his joking manner, but it certainly vouched for no change in the war. Fao sighed, and pushed her thoughts from _that_. So she touched his soul again, trying to get overtones from his thoughts- though her mindspeech really wasn't that strong.

Now, along with the worry, she could feel an odd tangle of protectiveness and love, curled up into a writhing mass of denial. _Ah_, Faolan thought, and held back a blush, _He doesn't want me on the front, and it's not because of my lack of skill_.

"Skylar, I can take care of myself," Faolan told him, "I'm a werewolf, right? And I doubt the Command will put me anywhere near the White Demons."

Skylar relaxed and he nodded, "Yes. You're right. But it's still dangerous. True control is often gained with a killing rage- but so many people _die_ for that, Fao. You're still very young."

"Only a year younger than YOU were when YOU went to the front- and I've got more maturity than anyone else," Faolan pointed out, "I'm sick of this uneasy truce with my wolf form, never sure how far I can push myself. I want to _know_ Skylar. I want to be free. You must understand that."  
"I do," Skylar nodded, looking up at the sky, "But I wonder if you realize the danger."

"Skylar…" Faolan sighed, "I spent the first few years as a werewolf with the threat of death hanging over my head _every day_."

"I know," he nodded and leaned up against one of the huts, scratching his head uneasily.

"So?"

"I'm thinking," Skylar growled.

"Come on Skylar," Faolan begged, "Remember how you felt before gaining true control?"

"This isn't about me!" Skylar exploded, grabbing Faolan's shoulders and staring into her eyes, "This is about _you_. This is about _you_ on the front line, _you_ in the way of those _silver tipped arrows_, under the gaze of those white demons. It's not a _game_ out there, Faolan!"

"I know it isn't," Faolan said seriously, "But I'm a better shot than even _you_, Skylar, and I'm not sheltered. I've seen death, I've seen pain, I've seen evil. I've probably seen more than you."

Skylar laughed and looked away, removing his hands. It was a harsh sort of laugh, with little humor and Skylar said, "Now _that_ I have to question."  
Faolan didn't debate it, because obviously she couldn't tell him about her past lives, "Well… I'm not inexperienced, is what I'm trying to show you."

"I'll talk to Esben," Skylar said and inwardly Faolan smiled- this was victory, surely, and she hadn't even had to nudge his emotions.

Skylar strode off and Faolan flopped back against the hut behind her, breathing a long sigh of relief. It hadn't been as hard as she imagined it would. Esben would say yes, once Skylar talked to him, she was sure of that. A strange sort of chill settled over her as she realized she would finally, after fifteen years, be back on the front- but this time she'd be fighting on the other side. Sadly she realized she probably wouldn't ever gain true control- she remember her conversation with Rathmir, before she knew she was going to be a spy, about not thinking she was going to live through the war. She felt it even stronger now. For the past few years it had died down, but now it throbbed up through her, powerful and real. She wasn't here for Raleigh much had been cemented into her, she was here for Valdemar. Faolan sighed and wondered in a depressed state of mind if she'd die another Vanyel, another Lavan. Her whole life certainly seemed to be leading up to something like that.

"OY FAOLAN!" a voice rang out and a blond headed kid leaped around to lean in close near Faolan, "Overheard your conversation… I sure did. Very interesting. _Very_. You trying to usurp my position as coolest dude around?"

"Uh," Faolan said, peeling open eyes she hadn't even realized she closed and staring into Roscoe's pale blue ones.

"You really wheedled him into it," Roscoe declared, draping himself against the hut wall beside Faolan, dropping on arm around her shoulders, "_Wheedled_. Very manipulative. No doubt you'll be on the front soon. Next time you go about manipulating our dear leader, join me in too, kay?"

And with that, he was gone, running off somewhere else. Faolan sighed again and pulled herself up, peering off in the direction the older boy had run, not sure what she was supposed to make of his little speech.

With a half shrug, she wandered back into the more populated areas of the village. Vidar ran past, in puppy form, snarling and snapping, and Kalvin ran after, looking like to murder his little brother. Faolan watched them go past with a half smile, hoping they'd both grow up a little happier. She paused, and thought about it. How many of the werewolves were really happy? With a start, she realized the number was very small- and mostly included those who hadn't gone to war yet, or hadn't lost family. There was a strong passion and connection among the werewolves, a determined spirit to survive, against all odds, that made them do what they did- but in the end… none of them were happy. It was a miserable sort of loop they'd been placed in. Kill or be killed. There was no escaping it. _If only there was another way_, Faolan sighed_, And then we could just end this stupid war. The only one fighting for a real reason is Karse- and that's not even a good one!_ _There are three parties in this war, and two of them are really fighting on defense. It makes no sense._

Faolan wandered around until she found Taryn, and the two sat down on a log- the elder sensing the younger's distress. Taryn hadn't changed much. She was taller, but still had a boyish look and a tough attitude towards life, a very rough and tumble attitude.

"I hate this war," Faolan admitted.

"And Roscoe says you've volunteered to go frontwards," Taryn mused, asking the question in a veiled sort of way.

"He sure spreads gossip quick," Fao attempted a halfhearted smile, "But yeah. I did. I want true control, get it over with, and come back here."  
"Or not come back here," Taryn said. Faolan gave her a sharp look and Taryn elaborated, "Roscoe thinks you're bound to up and leave. Your soul isn't meant to be a werewolf, everyone sees it. If you get true control, good for you, but how do you think it will affect you? Will you be able to handle what you may have to do to get there? You can live without true control, Faolan."  
"Not here I can't," Faolan shook her head, feeling the chill come back now.

"But alone you can," Taryn answered, "Ever think that might be better for you? You've got a good soul, Faolan. You can't ignore the evil in the world, that's just who you are."

"You know me better than I know me it sounds," Faolan sighed, poking a rock with her toes.

"Sometimes it takes an outside view," Taryn said with a shrug, "I know I'll be able to go to the front and kill people I don't really know or care about so I can live… but you? That'll break you, Fao, not make you. You value other people's lives above your own. _Maybe_ you can gain true control without actually killing anyone, but maybe you can't. You can't bet on that sort of thing."

"Are you suggesting I just leave?" Faolan asked, "Leave me home? Leave the people who love me?"

Taryn shrugged, "I'm not suggesting anything. I'm just telling you the facts. I don't want you to leave thinking you'll come back the same person."

Faolan stared into the dirt. She never thought of it from that point of view. From the selfish point of view. She always assumed she go to the front one day to spy there, if the war went on that long, but she do it not for herself, but for Valdemar. _It's already hard_, Faolan thought, _Now I see its even harder, because I do want true control…_

"Just think about yourself, okay Faolan?" Taryn asked and the two girls' eyes met briefly, and understanding passed through them.

Taryn shrugged, and the moment was gone, "Do what you need to Faolan. I won't stop you."

"Thanks, Taryn," Fao said and stood up, stretching and looking at the sky, "I'll keep it mind."

**A/N: Please review! Your comments/critiques are what make this story go on!**


	44. To War

**A/N: Greatest apologies about the exceedingly long time between this chapter and the last. I never understood how authors couldn't find time to write a chapter a week- then along came my own senior year and here I am, making the same excuses as all those others! No fears though, I promise this WILL be finished... even if it takes a little longer than I had hoped. **

"Roscoe, Sigourney, and Toril are going with you," Skylar informed her over breakfast, chewing on a loaf of bread.

"Huh?" Faolan said, confused at first as she looked up at the leather clad werewolf. Low, heavy clouds hung over them, threatening to rain later in the day. But it was warm, and rain would be refreshing, so no one minded.

"To the front," Skylar said. He sounded resigned and unhappy. Faolan was with him- if it were her choice who went to war, she wouldn't want to send a bunch of teenagers to go fight trained warriors. Even if the teenagers were, in fact, also trained warriors.

"Ah," Faolan said and then jumped to her feet and said, "I'm going? Esben said I was ready?"  
"Yeah," Skylar answered. He didn't sound very enthusiastic, and then he drew her aside, away from the rest of the munching werewolves.

"Listen… Faolan," Skylar begin, "Be careful, all right? Don't go charging into any battles- I don't expect they'll put you in real danger for a year or so but don't go _looking_ for danger, all right? True control will come to you."

"All right," Faolan nodded, having no intention of doing so. It was her duty, really, to extend her stay there as long as possible. To the end of the war, hopefully. To the day when the Karsites would be pushed back, and give up, and Faolan could go home, _truly_ go home, all the way back to Haven, back to Rathmir and Christopher Alaska… She sighed. Not even Skylar knew that she was lying to him. Sometimes she almost wished they'd discover she was a spy just so she could leave, and no longer have to be around those who she betrayed.

_I'm sorry_, she thought, _There's no way you can know you're sending your own side a spy, wearing the true colors of your side too. I'm sorry Skylar_.

"Hey," Skylar said, and Faolan looked back up, "Did I ever tell you why I'm called Bearsbane?"

Faolan shook her head, intrigued. She wasn't really aware there was a story to go along with the title- one more than him killing a bear single-handedly type story.

"Come," Skylar said, "I'll tell you."

Or maybe he just wanted to talk to her alone and the story wasn't really the point.

Faolan stood up, handing off the rest of her breakfast to Taryn and following Skylar out of the village and into the woods that surrounded it. A green canopy whispered above them and Faolan sat down on a rock while Skylar leaned up against a tree. For a long time he was silent, and Faolan wondered if he was ever going to begin.

"I was sixteen years old," Skylar said, "On the front still, with my newly gained true control," Skylar began, "It's a wonderful thing- true control. Some people have disputed its existence, but those people have never experienced it. It exists. It's like you've been walking blind all your life, and suddenly someone lifts your blindfold, and lets you _see_ the path you're on. But anyway… I was sixteen. The war was very raw for me then- after gaining true control I had no wish to fight anymore. But they wanted me to get a little more experience so I stayed on. It's hard, for us werewolves to be mercenaries, because mostly we just want our inexperienced young people to go fight, so they can have true control, but those who hire us want our experienced fighters, so we're a mix. Those who are good, and who can do it, stay on. I'm not one of those people, but they kept me there a little longer, letting me get some experience leading- I'm a good leader, Fao, no one disputes my position as leader here.

"Anyway, I was sixteen. I was with a scout group"- Faolan looked up sharply, remembering being Carry, creeping through the woods- but Carry died before Skylar went to the front. There was no overlap there.

"We were running through these hills at night, in wolf form, all of us but one had true control. The one was this girl a few years older than me. She had a very bipolar wolf-human relationship. As a person she was very quiet, very shy, but when she went wolf she was berserk- not out of control berserk, I quickly learned, more like she could only let go in wolf form. I don't even know why her village sent her out, she wasn't ready, so we kept her away from the front, on small jobs like this one. I was the Captain"-

Faolan slid off her rock and sat on the dirt, leaning up against the rock. Hearing the war stories was hard. Flashes, images, of scouting kept dancing through her mind. The dozing Carry was listening in now too. Despite herself, Faolan was curious now- after having _been _a Scout, she was eager to hear from one who had been a Scout as well.

"…so I was keeping track of her, when there was this rustling in a thicket. I thought it might be one of the enemy's scout groups, so I called everyone to halt. I couldn't get a scent of everything- the bushes were giving off this really strong smell that totally blocked everything, and I wasn't really sure what was inside. So we're all creeping around, some closer, some farther, when this _bear_ bursts out of the thicket. Full grown grizzly, female. I think her cub was probably inside the thicket, or something. Angry as hell. Roaring like a volcano. Charged straight at me. I've almost never been so terrified in my life. Well, you know my wolf form- I'm fairly large, but no match for a grizzly. So, I was about to call run, but the girl, the untrained one, leaps out in front of the grizzly- even today I have no idea why. Somehow this bear has it in her head _I'm_ the bad one, so she charges straight _over_ the girl, on towards me. Well, I couldn't leave then, because the girl was lying there mauled in the side and moaning.

"I did the only thing I could. Joined that bear in battle. We were pretty far spread out, you know we can communicate over pretty big distances, so there wasn't anyone else. Just me, the bear, and the girl, moaning over off to the side. Took me two hours to get the bear down. I couldn't meet her in close battle, so I'd just dart in, rip a chunk out of her hide, and dart out. When the others caught up no one joined in and I was too busy to tell them to help- they were in shock or something… Maybe they were wondering if it was actually me. But I took that bear down. Near the end, I managed to get a good grip on her throat, and I hung on. It was an awkward position for her, she couldn't really maul me too bad, so that was that. My fur is black, but after that it was even blacker. Slick with blood. I felt right faint, but we had to get the girl back. So we all changed back to human and carried her. It was autumn too, and cold. I managed to get myself to grow some fur, but not everyone has such _fine_ control over their change. Its all wolf or no wolf, but not with me. So that's why I'm called Bearsbane."

Faolan nodded, feeling sort of lost in thought. It _was_ as she suspected- odd circumstances setting up battle… Bearsbane. She stared up at the trees, watching them sway way up high, the leaves all rustling.. It smelled nice under the canopy. Like dirt.

"I guess, I'm telling you this now," Skylar continued a little later, "Well I'm not sure why. But there's more I want to talk to you about."

Faolan dragged her head back and stared at Skylar, waiting, head leaning up against the rock. She kept silent, letting him do the talking.

"I think Taryn talked to you, but I want to say something to," Skylar said, "You have very good control over your werewolf form now, so you could probably survive without true control. I want you to know that. You couldn't live among us, but you could live. You're the best shot I've ever seen with a bow, but you're not a warrior. You're tough, but you're not a killer. You survive by perseverance, not by lashing out. Not by blocking the world. The front… you can go there, but I don't think you'll be able to handle it. You're a wonderful person, and I don't want to lose that spark that gives you life. If you go out there, and you fight on the front lines, killing real people with real faces, ripping them open, shooting through their throats, however you do it, it'll change you Faolan. It changes everyone, of course, but it'll change you more. I'm sending a recommendation that you _don't_ go on the front- stick to scouting and the like, but it'll happen eventually, as a scout or no. So Faolan- if it gets too bad, if you're faced with a choice of running away or going crazy, or becoming someone who isn't you, run away Faolan. No one will begrudge you that. Especially not me."

"I think I can handle it," Faolan said, looking up at the black haired man standing above her. Carry Rolf handled it. Some of her other past lives handled it… Faolan thought back, way back, and suddenly realized that she couldn't actually remember a past life where was a mercenary. A few soldier ones, way, way back, but other than Carry she'd been living peaceful life after peaceful life. _Maybe that's why I love the world so much._ And Carry… she'd been a Scout. She had some combat, but not much. No open battles with lines of soldiers being slaughtered before her… Fao shivered.

"_Damn this war!" I screamed, slamming my fist on the table, and then I collapsed into a chair, sobbing, my head draped over my arms. Strong hands touched my shoulders and began slowly rubbing them. My sobs quieted and then those same arms wrapped around me and gave me a strong hug. I sat up and looked up at the man above me._

"_I don't like it either, honey," my husband said, eyes said. The letter sat on the table, folded back up as if it had never been opened. It swallowed up the whole room. _

"_It's not worth fighting for!" I insisted, looking up at him fiercely. Then I stood, meeting him almost eye to eye and repeated, "It isn't worth fighting for!"_

_He looked away from my piercing gaze, staring at the wood grains, I imagined. When he looked back his expression was grave and he said, "I think it is worth it. The lives of our children? Aren't they worth it?"_

_I looked up at the ceiling above us- at the rooms of our children. I thought of the sounds of their sleepy feet moving around up there before descending in the morning, sleepy and bemused and my ability to wake so early. Tousled hair and curls, big, bright eyes. I looked back at my husband, and my anger was gone._

"_Why you, though?" I whispered, reaching out to clutch at his shirt, "You aren't a fighter."  
"For Valdemar… I am," he said with a strange half smile and a shrug, "For you, for them… I am a fighter."_

_My fists clenched together and I stayed silent, because I knew what he meant. When I thought of our enemy, strangers, soldiers, bursting in here and- there would be no doubt in my mind if I held a sword in my hand at that moment. I sank back into the chair._

"_Perhaps what I really want is to go myself," I whispered, holding my hands together in my lap, "Not sit and wait for news of the war, never knowing if each day will be your last."  
"I won't die," he answered me, kneeling down and taking my hands in his own, "I promise you, I will come back for you and the children. Nothing can keep me away from you. Not war, not death."_

_Tears sprung into my eyes and I blinked, letting them fall, landing in quickly spreading patches on my apron. I looked back up through crystallized vision, meeting my husband's intense gaze. I leaned forward and wrapped my arms around him, holding him tight. _

Faolan blinked, and found tears in her eyes once more. She wiped them away reflexively and look up at Skylar, daring him to notice her sudden lack of composure. He hadn't come back- that husband, that life ago. He hadn't come back.

"Faolan?" Skylar asked, looking down at her, concern written over his features.

"Yeah?" Faolan asked with a wince as a tear dripped down her face, her breath coming in quicker. _He hadn't come back. _Just as, in this war, hundreds of husbands and even some wives weren't coming home. Herald, soldier, and commoner alike.And werewolf. And werewolf.

Skylar's face became achingly loving, and a little bemused. He leaned down quickly and pulled Faolan into his arms. Faolan dropped her head onto his shoulder and let all the tears come out- the long buildup of stress and anxiety all war based.

"Sorry," she whispered into the soft leather of his shirt, over and over and over again, "Sorry, sorry, _sorry_." But she whispered it so quietly that he would never hear.


	45. Werewolf Skins

**A/N: Look! It's been a week and I have another chapter up! Maybe I will be able to keep this up finally! Please review- that really, really helps- unless you write too, you have no idea how much a few reviews makes the next chapter come easier. If you do write, then you know, and have no excuse for not reviewing- unless you don't want me to write anymore and if that is the case I want you to review to tell me why. And here is chapter forty-five:**_  
_

_Raleigh stood there, glorious and handsome, dressed in scouting clothes. Sunlight was on him, but I couldn't quite tell from where. He was in a memory. I wasn't sure if it was mine, or if it was his, until he turned his head and look over at me, a smile playing on his face. I wanted to kiss that smile- both corners, first one, then the other. But I didn't. I just watched him back- knowing I was keeping him here, in his coma. Knowing that I lied to him, just as I lied to everyone else in my life. _

My life is a lie_, I thought and looked away from Raleigh, in a sort of despair, _And all for Valdemar. Are you worth it Valdemar?

_I thought of my most recent emergent memory- the one of going to war, and of my once husband's words. Of course it was worth it. The Herald in me had unquestioning loyalty to Valdemar, a crazy, unstoppable desire to do good. I wondered what it would be like to have grown up as a normal Herald would. Going and being a trainee, never really fully developing that sense until getting my Whites. _

_It made me laugh, and I felt Raleigh's curiosity upon me. Even trying to contemplate me as a normal person was amusing- there was so much that was different. And even though Raleigh would never wake up I couldn't tell him, for fear of stimulating his soul into jumping back to his body and oh hell, do I really have the right to decide his fate? _

"_You make it sunny," Raleigh commented and I looked up at him, feeling forlorn. _

"_What?" I said, puzzled. It was sunny on him- I could see the light reflecting off his skin. There was grass beneath his feet too, bright green and shining. It was like he was standing in a little patch of life. Maybe I was really the one in the coma, and he was awake and in life. Maybe Faolan was all a dream. _

"_It's always sunny when you're here," he said with a smile, stretching and lifting his face to his sunlight. _

"_Ah," I answered._

_Raleigh sensed my lack of enthusiasm and moved over to where I was. As he got closer, I felt the warmth of sunlight on my face. He leaned down and reached out to touch my hair, a wondering sort of look on his face._

"_Why are you wearing white, Carry?" he asked, then added on, teasing, "Sure you're not an angel?"_

"_No angel," I answered with a sad smile, looking down. Sure enough, I was wearing my Whites- the ones I'd only worn once, at the age of seven. I sighed and the white disappeared, and I was wearing my werewolf leathers. They felt more comfortable. _

"_You've changed," he said._

_I looked up at him, my eyes curious._

"_Since you appeared.. things have been different," he said._

"_And how long have I been here?" I inquired._

_Raleigh shrugged and looked off in his sunlit lands, "I'm not sure. Time passes oddly. A month? A year?"_

_A chill ran through me. He really didn't know that we'd been seeing each other for five years… What would he think when he woke up? If he woke up? _

_:Faolan, wake up!:_ Raul's voice pierced her mind and the girl's eyes flicked open quickly. Birds chirped gaily. It was half light out- just after dawn. A slight dew covered everything, and Raul looked sparkly. Fao rubbed her eyes and sat up, stretching and dusting her self off, before rolling up her furs and placing them in a secure spot.

_:Time to go?:_ she inquired of the Companion, feeling sad as she ran a hand along the mare's sleek soft coat.

_:Yes,:_ Raul answered, pressing her nose against Fao's shoulder sadly.

Faolan had gone out to visit Raul one last time before departing for the front. Once there, she'd no longer be able to sneak off by herself to visit the Companion. It could be only a year, but it could be more than that, so Faolan made an excuse and spent an entire day and a night with Raul, sometimes talking about the front, about Raleigh, and just about nothing.

"I'll miss you Raul," Faolan said solemnly, "As I always do."

_:I know,:_ Raul said and Faolan thought of the young filly that had chosen her over a decade ago- was it really that long?- and thought about how they'd both grown.

_:Sometimes its hard for even me to recall that you're older than you look,: _Raul said a little wistfully, _:You've got centuries of experience locked up in that head…But you look… so young.:_

_:I guess I'm lucky,: _Faolan said with a grin, then said out loud, "After all- how many times have you heard that youth is wasted on the young? How many times have I thought it myself? Now I get to be young again, and this time I know enough to appreciate it- while it's here."

_:Don't talk like that, Faolan,:_ Raul asked, flicking her ears around as the birds picked up a raucous amount of noise with the coming dawn.

_:We both sense it, Raul,:_ Faolan said softly, resting her hand on the Companion's neck, _:And I've accepted it… this life was really just a second chance.:_

_:We shall see,: _Raul replied, _:Now go- go to war, sweet Faolan. For Valdemar. For Raleigh. For you.:_

_:For true control,: _Faolan added with a nod, and picked up her things, taking a deep breath of the wild air. She looked to the east, where the sun was peeking itself over the horizon, returning color to the world. Raul looked sort of ephemeral in this light, and quite beautiful.

Faolan took a few steps back towards the werewolf village, then burst into a slight jog, her hard and calloused bare feet hitting the ground softly. After a few more steps, she turned back, waved and shouted, "Goodbye Raul!"

Her heart somewhat uplifted she ran, thinking that soon she'd be returning to Raleigh- to where everything all began. To the reason she was here, the starting point of these events that had unraveled. She was returning to the front.

A few hours later she was leaving the werewolves. She was taking nothing with her- no one was, because there was nothing here that she would need at the front. The real weapons would be there, and the journey would be made in wolf form, so no food or camping equipment was needed for the few days travel. Roscoe, unusually solemn, stood beside her- then there was Sigourney, and lastly Toril. The day was still early, and all the werewolves stood grouped together. At a nod from Skylar, they shed their clothing and pulled on their fur, wrapping themselves in the change and standing before their family in furs. Faolan, small and with a reddish hue to her coat; Roscoe, pale with paler blue eyes; Sigourney, slightly darker and larger than Roscoe, and then Toril, stocky and a more standard gray.

The four exchanged glances, then turned, and together bounded through the village and out in the woods, as the morning's first rays of sunlight shone over the tops of the mountains. The sun glinting on their coats, they ran, swift as the wind and silent as the growing of trees. Four lithe shapes running through the woods, up over the mountains. Towards the war.

They ran all day- and then, because none were tired yet, they ran all night, through the black and white darkness, then with white light glinting off their coats. They stopped at the peaks near the war, as the eastern horizon shown pink and the birds were waking. They stopped, paws gentling stepping on the rocks of the overlook, tongues out and sides heaving. Toril dropped herself down on one rock, under a spindly pine tree and stared North, out across the other mountains. In the distance, smoke was rising and a shiver went down her spine as she looked. The war was close.

Faolan sat down and watched the horizon for a long time, watching the day come to life. When she finally settled down the others had all fallen asleep.

A few hours later Faolan woke to find the others up, restlessly pacing about the rocks, watching the northern horizon- the direction of the front. The direction of Valdemar. Faolan was quickly awake, and she felt instantly alert and very aware of what was going on around. When she noticed where the other's gazes kept going, she felt cold all over, but did not let herself dwell long on where they were going.

It was midnight when they reached the first encampment. The moon was low in the sky, and just a sliver. Toril, the eldest and therefore the leader of their miniature pack, halted them about twenty yards off and let off a howl. Faolan, Roscoe, and Sigourney all waited, and listened, their wolfish ears pricked forward and tails up.

A long, low howl responded, mournful and curious. Once it was over, Toril immediately pushed forward, and Faolan was quick behind her. She smelled sentries as they made their way through dark trees, and she knew they could smell her too. She could smell their curiosity, and she could smell their nervousness. The front was not a happy place.

A moment after passing through the sentries, they left the trees, and Faolan's paws touched beaten down grass- so beaten it hardly resembled grass anymore, and was almost entirely dirt. She sniffed it slowly, inhaling the scents of many, many werewolves and warriors all living close together. She wondered if there were any Karsites in this encampment- she couldn't smell any, but the scent of werewolves could be cloaking it over.

Standing before them was the one who had howled. He was in human form, and dressed in chain mail and leather. A sword hung at his side. Fao guessed he had probably just turned his vocal chords to do that howl. His hair was almost entirely gray, and his face and hands- the only visible bare skin, were lined with scars. Faolan felt a shiver as she realized no one back at the village had been like this werewolf. The village was a place of dogs compared to him. For the first time, Faolan was scared.

"You may change," he growled, his voice hoarse and gruff at the same time. His fingers hovered near his sword hilt, as if a permanent movement. Faolan thought he probably slept with that sword too.

She shed her fur quickly, eager to be back with a human voice once more- two days of silence was enough. The others changed quickly as well, and as Fao crept into her human form she realized she was ravenous. Her wolf self hadn't really noticed. A soldier came over, and in his arms were bundles of clothing. War clothing. This werewolf, a younger man, still green by the looks of him, handed Faolan a pair of boots, pants, shirt, and a chain mail coat. She quickly donned them, her toes feeling odd and cramped in the footwear.

"Why shoes?" she asked Toril as she laced them up, balanced on one foot to tie the other.

"This is a land of steel," she answered brusquely, "It is not the village."  
Faolan sighed. She knew that already.

The howler, the gray haired man, cleared his throat once they were dressed, and the four turned to face him once more, standing at attention. He folded his hands behind his back and leveled his gaze at them carefully, staring at each of them for a long moment before speaking.

"I am Garth, Commander of the Mercenary Forces," he paused, then added, "Of werewolves. Once a secret but now… known. It is unfortunate. What is fortunate is that we long ago learned to defend ourselves. Did you know the first werewolves, when discovered, were hunted down and murdered?"

Silence met his words. Faolan realized she had almost forgotten what it was like to be with real soldiers. When it became clear none of them had an answer to that, he turned around and said to the soldier who had brought them their clothing, "Show them to their tents and explain to them how things work around here."

"Yes sir," the soldier said, and once the Commander was gone, he turned to the new four.

"Welcome," he said with a shaky, nervous grin, "I think you'll find he's a good Commander. He's kept us alive, anyway. Mostly, that is. Uh, come on."

He gave them another uncertain smile, then turned and strutted off, leading them between quiet tents and smoldering fires, to the far side of the encampment. Faolan and Toril were given one tent, Roscoe and Sigourney another. Inside were bedrolls and changes of clothing. Faolan stripped to just her shirt then sank down onto the furs gratefully. Her stomach growled, but sleep overcame her anyway. Food could wait until morning.


	46. On the Front

**A/N: Happy yesterday was Valentine's Day!**

Faolan woke up to a long horn, loud and long and ringing out over the encampment. When she opened her eyes, she found herself staring up at green canvas- the top of a tent. She blinked slowly and then stretched, feeling sore from the last day's run. The air inside the tent was still a little cool, and from the light coming in, Fao judged it be just after dawn. She heard some movements off to the side, and turning her head, she saw Toril getting up and pulling her boots on.

"Good morning, Faolan," she said with a smile, when she saw the girl was awake.

"Morning," Fao answered sleepily, sitting up. Out from under her furs, the open air was chilly against her bare skin, raising goose bumps- even though it was summer, and warm.

A hand knocked against their tent and a voice said, "The horn means rising time. Get dressed and meet me out here- I'll show you what to do."

Faolan quickly pinned it as the soldier that had led them here last night, and she did as she was bid. It took her a few moments to locate the clothing she'd been given- she seemed to have rolled around a lot in her sleep, and her furs were all over the place. But in only a few moments she was lacing up her boots as well, her fingers quickly remembering the old patterns. Toril then stood up, as much as she could in the low tent, and pushed back the tent flap.

A gust of cool early morning air flooded in and Faolan took a deep breath of it, finishing up her boots and then scampering after Toril. Outside, the a warm glow hovered near the eastern horizon. There was a low hum of voices and movement- the sound of the camp waking up. All around her, Faolan could see tents stretching for what seemed like almost a quarter mile. There was no tent that she could see that stood out- apparently the Commander was taking no chances about this camp being attacked. Near the center of the tents a huge column of smoke rose up, black and billowing- so maybe he wasn't worried about being attacked after all.

The tents were situated in rows, placed with about a foot between their sides, and leaving twenty feet between each row. All around, heads were poking out of the tents and strong warrior bodies were moving around. The slight clink of chain mail was all around, and the air was thick with the scent of smoke and werewolves and metal.

The encampment itself was inside a small valley- really more of a dip in between the mountains. Right outside the encampment the hills rose up steeply, covered thickly with pine trees. Faolan imagined that they must have a good perimeter to be down like this, where an enemy could come _down_ on them from the peaks. Then again, the other side didn't have werewolves- even as Faolan thought that she heard a high pitched howl rising from behind her. Turning around, she saw nothing in the woods in the mountains behind, but then she heard another howl. _Yes_, she decided, _We are definitely well protected_.

With a smile she turned to the soldier. In the growing light, she could see him more clearly, and she put him in his early twenties. His hair was cropped short, and brown, and his face was very youthful. Faolan doubted he'd been very long. His nose was round, a bit like Christopher Alaska's, and he was short for a guy, but still taller than Faolan.

"Good morning," he said, "I'm going to be your mentor for the first few days. My name is Henri."

"Faolan," Faolan said, shrugging her shoulders to make the chain mail sit better. She wondered if she would always have to wear it.

"And Toril," Toril added in, her gaze flicking around the encampment.

"Well," Henri said, "First thing's first. Breakfast."

He turned around and headed towards the center of the encampment, following the general flow of werewolves. Faolan look around as they walked, and was amazed at the sheer number of werewolves. As far as she could see, there weren't any Karsites.

As the sun peaked over the tops of the mountains, they reached the center, where a huge fire was roaring up. On one side of the fire what looked like an entire elk was roasting, and on the other side was what smelled like a pot of oatmeal. Soldiers- werewolves- were milling around, some seated on log benches, others standing, and all kept away from the heat of the fire, except for the ones that looked like they were assigned to cooking duty.

"Here's the meal place," Henri said, "Breakfast, lunch, dinner…." He motioned at a long, low tent to the right, "That's the cook's tent. If you ever need journey food, go there, or if you've missed a meal."

Faolan nodded absently and kept looking around at all the faces, and all the varying weapons strewn across backs and against hips. These were _warriors_ here. She kept her eyes moving, hoping to catch a glance of Roscoe and Sigourney- or even Donar. A few minutes later she saw the first two meander in, a different soldier leading them. She waved, and Roscoe caught it and waved back. They moved through the crowd towards them.

"Hey Fao," Roscoe said, shoving a lock of blond hair from his eyes, "Sleep well?"

Faolan nodded, feeling slightly overwhelmed by being back in a war camp. It was all so familiar, yet totally unfamiliar. She'd never been at war as Faolan, nor had she ever been in a werewolf war camp.

After a few minutes, the oatmeal was being dished out, so they all got in line for their breakfast. By the time they were finished eating, the sun was quite up, and most of the warriors had disappeared- to where, Faolan did not know. Henri led them through the camp to a large clearing near the edge of the forest. The dirt was hard packed, and off to one side was a set of targets. A group of soldiers were lined up, shooting arrows at the target. Faintly, across the field, Faolan could hear, "Ready! Fire at will!" In another corner, pairs of werewolves danced with their swords clanging against each other.

"The practice field," Henri announced, "As new recruits, you'll spend at least half your time here, until they know what your skills are and can place you to go to the lines. The rest of your time you'll spend in chores. Digging latrines, covering up latrines, cooking, hunting, gathering, perimeter building, arrow making, sword sharpening, waiting on the Commander, being guard, cleaning… all of those things and more. Depending on what you're good at, of course. And when you're ready: assignment."

"What do you do?" Faolan inquired, looking directly at Henri now, instead of letting her eyes wander around as they had all morning.

"Right now?" he asked, then with a half grin, he said, "I help the new recruits. Today- and I'll show you where the chore assignments are later, I'm on dinner duty. As I said earlier, today I'm sticking with you, and you're sticking with me, so you have dinner duty also. Either of you know how to cook?"

"Yeah," Faolan said with a nod, and Toril glanced over at her with a questioning look. Faolan suddenly realized she'd never worked with the food back at the village and so she shrugged and said, "Well, I'm rusty, but I know the basics."

"Good," Henri said, then looked at Toril, "How about you?"

Toril shrugged and said in her low voice, "I won't cut my fingers off or burn them."

"All right," Henri continued, "Well, let's get out to the practice field. If you're not in active duty- going out and killing the enemy, that is, or on scout duty or reconnaissance, you're separated into one of five groups, each with a subcommander. There's also a Scout Captain, and several Captains in charge of fighting and such, all underneath the Commander. I'm in Group D of the inactive. But you don't really need to worry about any of the hierarchy and organization. After the three days with me, you'll have a Captain to respond to. Your responsibility will be to take orders, and obey them. That's it. Now let's go practice."

Henri led them out to where a group of about fifteen werewolves were practicing with swords. A tall woman was watching them with a severe eye. Her hair was dark, and braided down her back. She didn't seem to notice Henri until the young soldier said, "Henri here, reporting for practice."

Then she turned and look at him with a critical eye and said, "Send the freshies to Kemp. Then get a sword and get in here."

Henri nodded briskly, and then marched them over to another part of the field, where an old werewolf leaned on a staff, watching several young, and clearly green warriors whack each other with sticks. A few days ago, watching them spar, Faolan would have said they were good, but after being here just a half day, she could already tell that an encampment was far, far different from a village. These werewolves were _trained_. They could _fight_, really fight. No wonder no one was winning this war yet.

Henri handed them over to the weaponsmaster then marched back to the woman weaponsmaster, leaving them alone. Fao spied Roscoe sparring with Sigourney off to the side, and felt more comfortable knowing she would be with familiar faces.

"Greetings," he said, then looked at Faolan, "Yer awfully young to be here. Think this is a game?"

"No sir," Faolan replied as curtly as she could.

"Good," he answered with a chuckle, "My name is Kemp. I'm the ranking weaponsmaster here, and my job is to make sure you're good enough that you don't die. Or at least you take down a few of them silvers before you do!"

"Silvers, sir?" Faolan inquired.

"What we call them Valdemarens," he answered, "They're armed with silver now, and they wear blue and silver. It seems to fit."

Faolan made no answer to that. She couldn't think of one. It scared her, to be here on the front, where the ones she was living with actually _killed Valdemarens on a daily basis_. Back at the village… those people hadn't really been her enemies. These people were. If Kemp, or Henri, or even Toril found out who she really was… They'd kill her. Without a second thought. She'd be just another silver. Faolan shivered.

Kemp leaned down and picked up a few extra staffs that were lying on the ground, "Staff work today- may seem inane, but I think you'll find it useful if you ever find yourself without a weapon and a good stick is on the ground."

He grinned, revealing crooked teeth, and handed both Toril and Faolan a staff, adding on, "Might as well pair up with each other. It'll give me an idea of both yer abilities."

Faolan nodded, and took the staff in her hands. It was smooth, sanded by the sweat and grip of many, many others. She stepped back, finding some space on the field, her boots quiet on the packed dirt. Then she found a comfortable grip on the staff, and faced Toril. The woman gave Faolan a half sort of smile and said, "Ready?"

"Ready," Faolan answered and jumped forward, swinging her staff around to whack Toril on the left leg. Toril's staff swept downwards, meeting Fao's in a sharp _thwap!_

They danced around each other, each trying to avoid getting the sun in their eyes, and put it in their opponents. Faolan, who hadn't done much staff work with the werewolves, was a bit rusty in dragging up her memories of the moves. But she was good enough to block Toril most of the time. As the sun grew higher, Faolan's world dwindled down to just her staff, Toril, and Toril's staff. Sweat trickled down her back and forehead. Her muscles ached, but she was in autopilot- she could keep going until she dropped from sheer exhaustion. The _thwock!_ of staff against staff became monotonous in her ears- she didn't even hear it.

Finally, when the sun was nearing the peak of its path through the sky, Kemp called out a halt and Faolan stopped, blinking to get herself back into the real world. She pressed her staff into the ground and leaned on it, panting heavily, and looked up at Toril with a grin.

"That was fun," she said breathlessly.

Toril stared at her for a moment and then shrugged and said, "It was exercise. It was fighting. It'll keep us alive some day."  
Faolan shrugged back, not sure what to make of Toril, as usual, and looked over at Kemp, and the rest of the fighters around. All were in similar positions of grateful rest. Roscoe was laughing at something Sigourney must have said, and she found herself smiling.

"Break," Kemp said, "Water- no food. Be back in five minutes or you'll be running around the field the rest of the day."

Faolan glanced around to see what everyone else was doing, and saw them going over to a set of huge double barrels. Placing her staff on the ground she moved over to Roscoe and Sigourney, announcing herself with a, "Hey! Roscoe! Sig!"

"Fao!" Roscoe said with a grin and jogged over to her, then grabbed her and picked her up in a hug, "Feels like a long time since I saw you!"

"Uh, Roscoe," Faolan said once he set her down, "We've been in the same practice group all morning."

"Really?" he inquired, pretending to look startled, "Well never mind. Let's go get some water. Wonder where we could find a good water skin to drag some water around with us?"

"Probably in the supplies tent, wherever that is," Faolan answered as they walked towards the barrels with the rest in the group. It was hot, and everyone smelled of sweat and dirt. It was a good smell.

Once everyone had congregated around Kemp he looked at them all gruffly and said, "Right. We're done with staffs for the day. Everyone run around the practice field ten times. And yes, with your chain mail on."

There was some groans from people who'd been there longer. Faolan looked at the practice field. It was about an eighth of a mile across, so that meant one time around was about half a mile. That meant they were running five miles. She shrugged. That wasn't so bad. Easier in wolf form of course, but soldiers should be in good enough shape to run that much. Endurance was something they would all need, in the long run.

"Get going!" Kemp said, and waved a clawish hand at them. Faolan looked at Roscoe and he nodded. They started running, first towards the edge of the field, at the forest's edge, and then around it. It felt strange to be running in boots- Faolan had gotten used to the feel of having her toes dig into leaf, dirt, and rock when she ran, but no more. In the sun, it was hot, and Faolan began to feel her chain mail shirt pressing against her body, hot and heavy. A slight breeze had picked up, and it dried the sweat to some extent, but it was still hard going.

She could hear Roscoe and Sigourney behind her- hear their footsteps and their heavy breathing. They ran for about two hours. When they were done Kemp called practice over, and all the werewolves except for Faolan, Toril, Sigourney, and Roscoe left to go to other things. Chores, Fao mused.

"You all did good today," Kemp offered, "Skylar trains them well. I think you'll be reporting to me once you're settled in. Yer mentors' are finished their practices too, so go and get with them and I'll see you tomorrow."

Faolan quickly spied Henri off to the side of the practice field, and she and Toril made their way over to him. He looked sweaty and disheveled, and Faolan figured she and Toril probably looked the same.

"Lunch time," he said with a grin, and Fao realized she was ravenous.

After lunch they went to the cook's tent, where the three of them were assigned to start help cooking the night's stew. Faolan spent the rest of the day chopping meat and vegetables in a hot tent, surrounded by many moving bodies. It was loud and noisy and Faolan decided she enjoyed it. By the time she fell onto her furs that night, she was exhausted, and she fell asleep almost instantly.


	47. First Assignment

**A/N: Sorry about long update time- I think chapters will come quicker now- I made a layout. Shoulda done that like a year ago. Wow... has this story really been going that long? Kudos to all you people who have stuck in with this story that long!**

The next few days with Henri were much the same: get up, eat, fight, eat, work, eat, sleep. On Faolan's forth day at the werewolf encampment, Henri woke her and Toril to tell them they were assigned to work in Kemp's group during training, and they should report to him after breakfast out in the practice field. He would give them their daily training, work assignments, and any other training they might need, until their skills were assessed and they were assigned into an active group.

As Faolan hurried over to get in line for breakfast, she saw the first werewolves in wolf form. A group of five of them were moving quickly through the tents, looked tired and worn. Their coats were streaked with sweat and their tongues hung out. Faolan watched them until they disappeared and wondered why she didn't see more of them changing than at the village. She suspected it was the amount of clothing they had to wear in human form. It was summer, so being naked as a human wasn't so bad but she supposed it was enough to make one just want to stick to one form until necessary to switch.

The day was setting out to be a hot one, already the sun boiled over the horizon, making Faolan sweat under her clothing and chain mail. She fidgeted impatiently while waiting for breakfast, eager to get started and eager to not be just _standing_ in the heat. She wondered how anyone fought in this weather without fainting from heat exhaustion. She imagined winter was the bloodier time of the war, with more people getting hurt from exposure. Werewolves had an advantage in winter- they had fur. She grinned, though right now she wouldn't want a coat of fur for anything.

After a hurried cold breakfast, she reported to Kemp, where they did their first practice in werewolf form. There were fifteen werewolves all told, and Fao felt an eagerness to be a wolf in such a pack. She was also curious to see what their werewolf forms looked like. As she stripped her clothes and started to call on her fur, she noticed Roscoe watching her. When she caught his gaze, he only winked, and looked off, leaving Faolan with an uneasy feeling in her stomach as she dropped to all fours.

Kemp stayed in human form, and once they were all Changed Fao was not given time to dwell on what Roscoe was thinking about. Most of the others were bigger than her, and none others had the particularly reddish hue to their coat. The grizzled weapons instructor set them to fighting in pairs, and so Fao spent a hot morning facing off first Toril, then Roscoe, and then finally Kemp, as a human, in her fur. It was fun- wolves were made to spar each other, and by the time Kemp told them to change back, it was well past noon, and Faolan was exhausted, but also exhilarated. Being a werewolf, that was something so new, so wonderful, her past lives just couldn't relate with.

They were dispersed to clean themselves up and get a quick lunch, afterwards which they were required to meet at the fire of their section of the camp. At this time of the year, only the central fire was kept burning, and that not usually very big- because smoke was a signal that any novice Scout could easily read. The Group A fire was just a pile of ashes and blackened old logs, with larger logs scattered around the edge for seating. The ground was entirely dirt- Fao figured they must have been here at least half a year in order to get such a destruction of grass. She wondered how long they intended to stay here- or would they stay until they were found? The idea of a few scores of Valdemaren soldiers creeping in at night, into their tents, gave her shivers. There was never such a threat of death in the werewolf village…

_I thought I was a spy before_, Faolan thought as she sat down on a log, dragging the toe of one boot through the dirt to make a line. Kemp was hunched across the fire from her, polishing an already gleaming sword, _But that was nothing… _

She sighed, missing Skylar's good natured humor and gentleness. This place was all hard. Kemp coughed, and Faolan looked up at him curiously. His eyes met hers from under a pair of bushy eyebrows.

"Ye'll do all right," he assured her. Fao stared at him, slightly surprised- what was it about her that made people always want to reassure her?

"Yeah," Fao answered, when it seemed he wanted something in response.

"War is a hard thing," he added on a few moments later, "But it's something everyone has to go through. Ye'll do all right."

"Yeah," Faolan agreed again, staring at the ground again. She supposed she was young to be there, but she felt so much older. Being in this camp again, it was just like Carry all over again- well, not quite, but it was very similar. It was odd how familiar the whole scenario was, and odd how it was so strange to her at the very same time. She supposed that was a result of having past lives. A paradox of emotion.

A few other werewolves returned and Kemp stood up, sheathing the sword at his waist. He pulled a long piece of thin slate from a pack at his feet, and peered up and down at it. Then he turned to Faolan, and asked, "You like to run?"

"Sure," Faolan answered, wondering what kind of assignment that involved.

"All right then," he said, "Report to the messenger's tent- it's near the Command tent, and has a red flag outside it. They've got a short run for a greenie- they're all out today. It's low priority too- that's why we're landed with it. You may go now."

Faolan nodded, and stood up quickly, nodding to Roscoe as she passed him coming in on her way out. He gave her a half smile, and then they were past. Faolan hurried through the rows of tents, making her way towards the center. She didn't once get lost- three days was plenty enough to learn her way around camp- she'd been doing it for years, after all, as Carry Rolf. At the specified tent she stopped, and knocked gently on the tent flap.

"Come in," a woman's voice said, and Faolan entered, ducking under into shadowy heat. A rough desk was positioned in there, and paper and quills were everywhere- as well as a pile of odd, collar like objects. Fao let her gaze linger on them for a moment before looking at the woman who had told her come in- the one sitting at the desk.

She was middle aged, not quite young but not getting old. Faolan wondered if she had true control- probably, if they had her in such an out of combat position. The woman smiled in greetings and stood up.

"Are you from Kemp?" she inquired, looking Faolan up and down.

Fao nodded, wondering what exactly she was being measured for, but keeping her respectful silence. In a place like this, it didn't do to ask questions. The woman seemed satisfied, for she produced a roll of parchment, then reached down and picked up one of the collars. Attached was a leather barrel, and into this slid the rolled parchment- and it clicked in Fao's head. Werewolves rode no horses- messenger duty was not done on hooves, but on paws- and wolves had no pockets or saddlebags.

Then the woman slid a map out from under other pieces of parchment on the desk, and spread it out in front of Faolan. Fao stared at it- and realized it was a map of the mountains they were in. Once she picked out a few landmarks, she was able to quickly locate their own encampment on it. It was marked by a red flag.

"That's us," she said, pointing, "Right?"

When she looked up, the woman werewolf had a keen smile on her face as she answered, "That is correct. I see Kemp made a good choice when he sent you to me. Got an eye for maps, then?"

Fao nodded with a slight blush- it had been Carry Rolf speaking there. Scouting and mapping went hand in hand. She looked back at the map, and noticed a series of other red flags scattered through the mountains- and to the north, blue flags. She felt a shiver run down her spine as she realized what she was staring at. It was a map of all the werewolves' encampments- and the ones they supposed of Valdemar.

"You're going here," the woman said, pointing at a red flag about twenty miles from the encampment Faolan was in. It was steep- over a series of tall mountains, but in wolf form Faolan figured she could do it in a day.

Faolan nodded, and looked up at the woman, waiting for further instructions, and they soon came, "Bring this message to the corresponding messenger tent. It doesn't need to go directly to the Commander- Fellay will take care of it. Don't dawdle on the way, or on the way back, but if you need a rest in between, Fellay will take care of you. Your number one priority is to get this message delivered. If you see any of the enemy- go the other way, though there hasn't been any enemy activity in this pass for weeks. Good luck."

Faolan nodded and looked up as the woman folded up the map and gave Faolan an encouraging smile. She then picked up the collar again and clapped Fao on the shoulder, "You'll be doing it in wolf form, of course. After you Change, I'll fasten this about your neck."

Fao nodded again and stripped off her clothing quickly, folding it up- the woman motioned to a corner where Faolan could leave it until she returned. Then she called upon her wolf self and donned it like a jacket, sliding in like a well worn glove. When she was done, she looked up with eyes that had yellowed over the years from her puppy blue, at the woman in charge of this camp's message relay system.

The woman leaned down and tied the thick leather collar around Faolan's neck, just tight enough to be secure, but not tight enough to be restricting. Faolan shook her head and shoulders a bit until it settled into a comfortable position, and laughed inwardly as she recalled Skylar's comment when she first changed before him about her being a dog.

"I'm Dagny, by the way," the woman added, once she was done, "Good running!"

Faolan gave her a quick nod and then leapt out from the warm tent into the open air outside, taking in a strong gulp of air. She paused, getting her bearings, then ran west through the tents, moving at a quick trot until she passed through the sentry line. Once out in the woods she burst into a strong run, working the soreness out of her muscles as she weaved through trees and over rocks, placing each paw carefully and gracefully.

She did not see an Valdemarens, as predicted, on her twenty mile jog- but she did see some deer, which quickly bounded off at the scent of her, and a couple of hawks, soaring above on the thermals of this warm day. It didn't take long until sweat was streaking down her sides and her mouth was in a lather, but Faolan didn't care. Running in wolf form was wonderful for its own sake.

The werewolf was one of the more dangerous of the changelings from the Pelagirs, but, Faolan decided, it was also the most wonderful, once control and unification of the werewolf and human spirit occurred. How terrifying it must have been, she thought, for those first werewolves, forced to become a monster every full moon- the very worst of themselves, and having no way to stop or any idea of how to control it.

_The werewolf was not born of this world_, she thought as she ran, _We are mutations, twistings of the world's true workings. Is that why it is so hard to be a werewolf? So hard to live in a working society, so hard to gain true control? Because we weren't designed for this world? If so- then let it be a gift, let everyone take it as a gift. For few get to experience the joy of being a wolf, the joy of true freedom. _

Faolan reached the top of a ridge and paused on a rock outcropping, peering out at the land stretching out around her. To the south, she knew, was all Karsite lands, and to the north, it was all Valdemar. But to her eyes, to an animal's eyes, it was all the same. It was just land, and for a werewolf, borders were not the end of freedom. She couldn't resist a little howl.

**Please review this chapter and tell me what you think about it!****  
**

**Thanks to...  
mugglepirate- to whom I am very glad is still enjoying the story,  
Stormy Phoenix- to whom I owe a lot of my inspiration,  
Ban Capall- to whom I am happy liked the previous chapter!  
**


	48. To Be a Werewolf

**A/N: And here is the next chapter!**

To Faolan's surprise, she rose over a ridge and found herself staring down at the other werewolf encampment only three hours later. She knew werewolves could cover ground quickly, but she'd never actually had the chance to clock herself over a measured amount of distance. This _was_ a quick run then. Visualizing the map in her head, she realized the two farthest apart encampments could get a single werewolf messenger between them in a day or two. Faolan paused, contemplating that fact. Messenger speed in Valdemar had been no where near that quick when she was Carry… No _wonder_ this war was going on so long. Werewolves were a tough enemy.

Then she sighed and shook herself over, and looked down at the spreading tents below her. It looked much like the one she'd been sent to, but it was a little smaller. That made sense- her camp had the Commander. But the sun was still high in the sky, and Faolan had to make the return trip, so she ducked her head down and made her way down the slopes.

She smelled the sentries before they smelled her, so she gave a slight howl to announce herself, and a lithe black wolf appeared a few moments later, staring at her curiously. He came up to her and they sniffed noses for a moment before he nodded, and let her pass through. A fur covered skin was an all access pass to any of the werewolf encampments- and Faolan shivered.

Soon she broke through the trees into the clearing. This camp was a little newer too- there was still grass on the ground. It was very beaten grass, but still grass. She sniffed at it and inhaled the scents of werewolves- in both human and wolf form. The side she entered on wasn't very busy- she only saw a few people as she wove through the tents, looking for the one marked by a red flag. None took any notice of her- and why should they?

Feeling relaxed and comfortable- feeling welcomed, she finally spied it, and moved right towards it. She paused outside and peered under the flap. A werewolf sat there- half in human form, half in wolf. He only wore his leather pants- the rest of him was bristling with grayish brown fur. His yellowing eyes glanced up as she entered and he grinned, showing teeth too big and pointy for a human mouth.

Faolan came in all the way and sat down as the man- Fellay, she suspected, stood up from his desk and walked over to her, his gait and odd, half walk. The claws retreated from his hands and he reached down, unbuckling the message from her neck. He swallowed, and his mouth looked more humanoid, and said, "Thank you…" as he was opening the message, "From the Command, eh? Wait here a moment, I think I need to get a reply for this."

Faolan gave him a nod and lay down, resting her head on her paws as she watched him curiously. He did his odd walk back to the desk, read the entire message, then pulled out a log book of some sort, flipped through it, jotted down a few notes, and then pulled out a fresh piece of parchment and a quill. After a few minutes of dipping and scratching, he blew on the ink to make sure it was dry, ran a claw (his hands had slowly been growing more wolfish) down it, then grinned (still human) and rolled it up, tucking it back in the collar. Then he stood once more, did his walk over to her and kneeled down. Faolan sat up in anticipation, watching him still.

He grinned and said, as he buckled the collar back on her, "Yah I'm weird, I know. Give Dagny my greetings. Oh- do you need anything? Food, water?"

Faolan shook her head in the negative and stood up, shaking herself all over and stretching with a yawn. When she was ready, she looked up at him. He nodded and she gave him a nod back, then turned and slipped out of the tent. Before she left, she turned and looked back into the shadows and say Fellay standing in the middle of the tent, swiping with wolfish arms at the air and growling under his breath. The fur was thicker all over him.

With a snort of puzzled amusement, she turned and trotted back through the tents, past wolf forms and human forms. But then, from a far part of the camp, a high scream rose, pained and terror filled. Faolan felt as if someone had dumped cold water on her. She stopped dead in her tracks, ears pricked towards this horrible the sound. The Empath in her cried out, and she let it out, a little bit, reaching towards that scream. What she felt made her recoil in horror. A horrible twist of fear and pain and determination and horror… What was going on?

She turned around almost before she knew what she was doing and set off towards the screaming. Whoever it was, whatever it was, she wanted to know. If it was another werewolf- maybe she could help. Dagny had said these messages weren't top priority, and she was making good time. Taking a short break wouldn't hurt anyone.

As before, no one bothered with her, or even seemed to care that she was moving through. She was just another werewolf. As she approached, the screaming died down- but she knew still exactly where it was coming from. She paused outside a tent- nondescript, in appearances, just like the others. But Faolan was in wolf form, she could smell the tent's purpose. Her nose wrinkled. It smelled of blood, and death, and pain, and fear. With a cold feeling in her stomach, she knew that the person screaming had not been a werewolf.

Carefully she stepped forward, her ears pricked. There was silence, but then a voice spoke- a werewolf voice, cold and calculated. It sent shivers down her spine, and she could tell the person who had screamed was scared of that voice too. Even if she wasn't an Empath, she could still smell the fear rolling off of him.

"Tell me, my silver friend," the voice said, "Tell me, and maybe I will let you live."

"You," the screamer coughed- Faolan could imagine blood leaking from his lips as he spoke, "Will never let me live."

"That is where you are wrong," Faolan could hear the torturer grinning, "We might just let you live. But I suppose that sort of life would be worse than death, for you, wouldn't it?"

Faolan stepped a little closer, then glanced around the area. No one was near. She wasn't surprised- the werewolves in this camp were all probably as far from this tent as possible within the confines of the encampment. The easiest way to forget your side did cruel things was to ignore it when it happened. Faolan had done it- as Carry.

Since no one was watching, she stepped closer, and nudged the tent flap away at the bottom, peering in. The torturer stood with his back to Faolan, tall and straight. He still wore all his human garments, but Faolan could see his ears creeping up the side of his head, turning pointed and fur covered. She knew his hands would have claws on them, and his teeth would be pointed. His eyes would probably be yellow. She felt sick then, but let her eyes trail to the tortured. He wore blue and silver, as Faolan knew he would. Blood ran down the side of his head, and his eyes rolled in his head. For a second, his eyes met hers, and the fear in them became so intensified that Faolan leapt backwards.

She turned tail and ran off- she heard the tent flaps open, and someone shout, but she ignored it and kept running. She darted past the sentries- who let her go- just another messenger on a quick run. Her eyes narrowed to a slit, Faolan covered the twenty miles back in only an hour and a half, the message locked inside her collar hitting against her breast with every bound she took.

It was evening when she crawled into her own camp. The sun still had a few hours to be up, but things were quieting down. Sweat streaked down her sides and her tail hung low as she slowly made her way back to Dagny's tent.

Dagny congratulated her on her first run, took the message, and sent Faolan off, but Faolan was only half there. Her mind was wandering. She changed back and got her clothes from the corner and got dressed, then went to find herself some dinner- and then go to bed. The fire was burning low when she came to it, her eyes empty. She didn't even taste the meat stew that had been cooked up.

Her tent had been moved- it had been in Kemp's area of the camp. Roscoe and Sigourney were trading stories with a few other werewolves around their own dead campfire, but Faolan slipped silently past them and lay down on her bedding in her new tent. Well, new was a relative term. It stank of something that was a mix of decaying meat and stomach acid. Fao figured she'd get used to it eventually.

Closing her eyes and rolling over on the furs, she felt a wave of homesickness wash over her. And not for Haven. She wanted to go back to Skylar's village. She wanted to go back to the day's of running through the woods in wolf form, with not a care in the world- just some training for this vague concept of a war that floated around and stole between them, touching none of them but affecting everything they did. She missed playing games with Taryn, her long talks with Skylar, she missed knowing Raul was close.

Haven seemed like a dream. Faolan couldn't even directly recall what Rathmir and Alaska looked like. They were just presences in her memories, warm feelings that didn't seem quite real. Faolan sighed, and hugged her furs to her side.

_Is it all just a dream?_ she wondered, _Did I dream being a Herald? Am I really just a fourteen year old kid that was bitten too hard and hallucinates? I'm just another werewolf with crazy dreams of being a werewolf spy, and Raul is just another voice in my head. _

Faolan knew that wasn't true, but what scared her was how much she _wanted_ it to be true, because if she was just another werewolf… A sigh slipped through Fao's body… Everything would be so much easier if she could just throw away the part of her that was a Herald.

"I just want to be a werewolf," she whispered to herself, so softly no one else could have heard, _I want to gain true control and go home, wait until this war is over, then travel with Skylar's village across all of Velgarth, seeing the world, and being a pack._

_Raul is so far away,_ she thought, _I hardly feel like I have a Companion. Has any Herald ever been so separated?_

_:I'm right here, darling,:_ Raul's voice drifted in to Fao's mind, faint and like a whisper.

_:Raul?: _Faolan reached out, and just barely, just barely, was able to trace that thought to the source, _:You're so far away.:_

_:I know,:_ Raul answered, and her mindvoice contained overtones of sadness. Faolan felt sad too, and a little guilty about her thoughts from before- thought the guilt was more because she still thought them.

_:How are you doing?:_ Raul wondered and Faolan rolled over again so she was staring up at the greenish brown ceiling canvas of her tent that glowed with setting sunlight.

_:I'm okay,:_ Faolan said, and realized they were so far away Raul couldn't just read her mind- she really didn't know how she was doing without asking, _:Its hard, being on the front. The war is real again. Being here makes me realize why the war has gone on for so long. I ran forty miles today, Raul, in werewolf form- and it only took me four or five hours. I'm barely even tired from it.:_

_:What were you running for?:_ Raul inquired and Faolan suddenly remembered she was supposed to be passing on information to Raul, to the other side.

Feeling bad, really _bad_, for the first time, she said, _:I was delivering a message. I don't know what it was about, but I did get to see a Map.:_

Then she concentrated really hard, holding the image of the map in her head, and pushed it towards Raul, _:Got it?:_

_:Yes, Chosen,:_ Raul answered, then she laughed softly, _:We should have sent you forward earlier if this is what we'd have been getting!:_

_:I couldn't have gone earlier,:_ Faolan said, feeling a little resentful, _:They wouldn't have let me. What would a ten year old do on the front, anyway?:_

_:I was just teasing, Faolan,: _Raul answered, her voice serious again, _:Keep hope- this war won't last much longer and then you can come home. I know its hard, but you can do it. That's why you're a Herald.:_

_:I know,:_ Faolan answered, and then Raul was gone. Faolan could just barely feel her spirit touching hers, from very far away, but the connection was too faint to talk anymore. Faolan closed her eyes, and felt tears squeezing out of them.

_Home is not where you think it is,_ Faolan said silently to Raul, wondering if she should have told the Companion how she was feeling.

Then she sat up quickly, and wiped her eyes, thinking fiercely, _What am I doing? Moping around in my tent being upset?_

She rubbed her eyes, and went outside into the setting even sunlight. The temperature was wonderful, no longer hot, but not yet too cool, and she stretched, moving easily beneath her clothing, then she made her way through a few tents to the fire- or lack of a fire.

"Hey Faolan!" Roscoe greeted her with a delighted grin.

Faolan grinned back, feeling the comfortable warmth spreading through her again, and sat down beside the fire, leaning against one of the logs and letting her head drop backwards onto her shoulders to gaze up at the blue sky turning orange at the edges, a smile drifting across her face.

"Hey Roscoe," she answered, grinning back at him.

**A/N: The more chapter will have more action, I promise! Now please review and tell me what you think of this one!  
**

**_Thanks go to...  
_**

**GinaLee- Well, here's the next chapter! And another will be up soon!  
Stormy Phoenix- Thank you for informing me wolves don't sweat. Oops on my part! And there IS more than one village- didn't I mention that? If not, now you all know! There are many werewolf villages, spread out- usually werewolves live only with those villages and fight just with those people, but Karse needed a lot of help, so just about all the werewolves were hired on and one Commander was chosen from among themselves.  
Ban Capall- Thanks for your support!  
**


	49. The Scout

**A/N: Happy Saint Patrick's Day!**

Two weeks later Kemp came up to her and told her she'd been assigned into active duty. Scouting. Faolan grinned- no surprises there. It was evening, after the day's exercises. Faolan had just spent six hours digging new latrines and throwing dirt into the old ones- a smelly job, but physically exerting, and Faolan enjoyed that.

Kemp's expression was unreadable as he took one of Faolan's hands and put a piece of parchment in it, then growled, "You're reporting to her from now on. Good luck, Faolan- and may you get true control soon."

"Thank you, sir," Faolan said with a nod, taking the parchment and giving him a salute.

She felt taller than she had when she came- she probably was, she'd been growing like a weed in the last year, but she felt taller in the older sense. The Faolan that had come to the camp had been a confused pup with too many memories in her head. This Faolan… Fao had never felt more like Carry Rolf in her life.

"Yer stuff's already been moved," Kemp added, "Ursula expects you. Don't shoot yer eyes out with her."

Faolan grinned- in the past weeks Faolan had proved her skill in archery, and managed to impress several of the werewolves, Kemp included. With a nod, she turned around and unrolled the parchment. The first thing on it was where her group was now located. It was closer to the edge than Kemp's- so they didn't disturb others coming in and out, she supposed. Just as she was making her way towards one of the main paths through the camp, she heard a shout behind her, and then felt strong arms wrapping around her tightly, and lifting her up.

"Roscoe!" Faolan yelled, turning around to stare at her attacker, "Put me down! I've been assigned!"

"I know," he answered, setting her down with a uncharacteristically unhappy expression, "Why couldn't you have been worse at scouting and gotten assigned to something more on the Roscoe level?"

"Uh…" Faolan laughed and shoved him, "Because I can't control what I'm good at? Don't worry Roscoe, I'll still see you. Just get true control real quick and we can go home."

His grin returned and the werewolf paused, then hugged Fao, whispering in her ear, "You be careful, okay? Don't let any of those silver blades and arrows touch you!"

"I'm immune," Faolan replied, poking him away, then added seriously, "Don't worry. They know what they're doing with their assignments. I have a Scout Captain to meet now. Try better at scouting, maybe you'll be assigned into her group too!"

"Yeah right," Roscoe rolled his eyes and then yawned, "I'm a hack and slash kind of werewolf- no sneaking in bushes for me."

"I know," Faolan answered, then waved and said, "I'll be in touch!"

She turned around and kept walking, feeling Roscoe's eyes on her the entire way. The chain mail draped over her shoulders didn't feel so heavy anymore. She was getting used to it, and to boots. She was getting used to war camp life. On her way to meet Ursula, she passed the healer's tent. None of the werewolves were Healers in the Valdemar sense of them, but there was a Karsite priest, a very dark eyed man that most of them avoided, and some of his magics worked in healing. For everyone else, the 'hack and slash' healing method had to be good enough. She barely noticed the smell of blood from it anymore, nor heard the moans of wounded soldiers.

A few minutes later she entered a bunch of tents that she knew belonged to her new scouting group. Standing by the fire ring, in the center of the tents, was a woman whom Faolan assumed was Ursula. She was short, with a lot of bushy brown hair confined to a ponytail. Her chain mail hung on her like she slept in it, like it never came off, and a sword hung at one hip.

Her back was to Faolan, so she stepped forward and said, "Excuse me? Are you Ursula?"

The woman turned around. Her face was a series of hard lines. She glared at Faolan for a few moments, then said, "That I am, and that's sir to you. Faolan right?"

Faolan nodded, then added, "Yes sir."

"Welcome to my scout group," she said with a tight smile, "I hope you're as good as Kemp says you are, because if you're not we'll soon be one Scout short."

"Yes, sir," Faolan answered, not sure if there was anything else she could say of this comment.

"After dinner, report back here," Ursula instructed, "And I'll introduce you to your new brothers and sisters. Tomorrow morning we're leaving, so you'd better know all their names by then. Dismissed."

Faolan nodded, but Ursula was already stalking off. Feeling a little disgruntled, she turned around and headed to the cook tent and fire, her stomach rumbling. Already many werewolves were milling about, wearing variations of the same outfit- some cleaner, some dirtier. Faolan looked at the many faces as she was eating and thought, _We're all werewolves. We're a pack, fighting together to live. _

When she was done eating she went straight back to her camp area, where, to her surprise, one of the scouts had procured a recorder and was playing a lilting, haunting tune on it. Three others were sitting nearby, in different positions of relaxation. One of them was in wolf form, sprawled on his side.

The one playing the recorder stopped as Faolan stepped into the ring and put down his instrument with a friendly grin, partially hidden by a half inch growth of brownish beard. Above his smile was a pair of twinkling greenish eyes. He wasn't wearing his chain mail, so his white undershirt hung loosely over his body.

"Heyla," he said cheerfully, "You must be the greenie."

Faolan nodded, feeling shy, and sat down across from them, saying quietly, "Faolan."

"Good ta meet yah, Faolan," he answered, "I'm Alistair."

"You play well," she said, motioning at his recorder.

"Thanks," he said, his grin broadening, "Figured we need a little entertainment around here so I whittled this in my free time."

"Be better if he played more cheerful songs," a woman growled from her position to Alistair's right. She had a bush of blond hair sprouting from her head, and bushy eyebrows to beat, arching over blue eyes.

"That would be Alayne," Alistair introduced, "She's our resident sniffer of trails."

"Humans stink," Alayne retorted to this comment, staring with a broody expression at their lack of a fire. Faolan could tell it was good natured though with her empathy. She wondered how many people thought Alayne was a grouch.

"I'm Joras," the third humanoid formed werewolf introduced solemnly, sitting on Alistair's left. His hair was cropped very short, just to a buzz. What was there appeared to be black.

"And this," Alistair toed the dozing wolf formed werewolf, "Is Seath."

"Hi," Faolan said to all of them in general, thinking about the scouts she had worked with as Carry Rolf, and missing Raleigh. She hadn't seen him in a few weeks.

Alistair picked up the recorder again and started playing a new tune. Faolan had never played a recorder in any of her lives, nor had she ever been passionate enough about it to want to be a Bard, or even a Minstrel, but she had a feeling he was mostly making up what he was playing as he went along.

The light was slowly fading out of the sky, and before Faolan noticed, it was almost dark. The music had put her in a kind of trance, and she broke out of it suddenly, noticing that more werewolves were milling about, talking in quiet voices, listening to the music, or dozing, like she had been. Faolan looked around and counted about twenty heads, wolf and human. Did Ursula really expect her to get to know all these people by morning?

But as Faolan started making eye contact, werewolves, one at a time, or a few at a time, would wave, grin and tell her their names. As the conversing slid her through all the werewolves, Faolan realized what a tight bunch these all were. What did they do when they returned back to their own villages? How much influx and outflow was there in this group?

When Ursula stalked in later, when the stars were coming out, and ordered everyone to bed, reminding them that they were going out the next day, Faolan was surprised to realize she _had_ learned everyone's name. Ursula pointed her to her tent, and Faolan, feeling comfortably tired, retreated. Berit was already inside, a young woman only three years older than Faolan. She was the kind of person that, if not a werewolf, Faolan would have pegged for a snotty high born- she _seemed_ like the kind of girl who would scream at the sight of a cut. But as a werewolf… Faolan smiled as she slipped under her warm furs. Berit was already asleep and in moments, Fao was as well.

Faolan was woken by a kick at their tent flap, long before the customary horn that would wake the entire camp. She sat up, blinking confused, and Berit grinned at her as she pulled her thin black hair into a ponytail.

"Time to go," she said in a low voice, pulling on her chain mail and buckling a sword at her waist before slipping outside.

Faolan quickly copied her, putting a dagger at her waist and a quiver of arrows across her back with a bow in one hand, instead of a sword. Outside the moon hovered near the horizon, brightly casting light over the camp. Faolan noticed it was almost full, but not quite. She could feel her fur itching to come out under its rays and fidgeted her chain mail into a comfortable position.

They met at the campfire, huddled around with quiet clinks of metal.

Ursula stood at the center, looking over everyone with a sharp eye. When it was clear everyone was up, she passed out pieces of sausage wrapped in heavy bread to everyone and told them in low voices were they were going, and who was in what group. Faolan was with Berit, Axel, Joras, and Wray- who'd be in charge. They were scouting out a pass about thirty miles away and they'd be there for a week. If they saw any small activity, they'd kill it- if there were larger movements, they were going to call in reinforcements. In this kind of warfare, every soldier was part scout, part warrior.

In a few more minutes, they were setting out, hiking quietly through the sentries and out into the woods. For the first twenty miles they'd hike in human form- probably take them a day. When they got closer, half would go into wolf form and the others would stay as human, going about half and half in each group.

It turned out to be an uneventful week. The first hike was long and hot and slightly tedious, but she got to know those she was working with a bit better as they talked in hushed voices. In the valley they were scouting one scout group encountered some of the Valdemar's scouts, and their was a skirmish, but all Faolan's group saw was eagles and deer. To maximize the capabilities of scouts in both human and wolf form, three of them went into wolf form, using their better senses to do all the rough scouting work, then coming back and telling it to those in human form, who passed the information on, kept hold of packs, and held an armed line, weaving through the ground already scouted by the wolves, and doing battle when those in wolf form encountered trouble. Faolan was placed in human form all week, carrying a pack on her back and hiking along behind those in wolf form, her bow ready- for nothing, it turned out. She quickly realized that all the action was for those in wolf form- those in human form really acted more as back up and pack carriers. She wondered how long it'd be until she got to take wolf form scouting.

A few days in, the full moon did come about. It didn't really change anything, just that Faolan and Axel, who stayed with the packs, stayed with the packs in wolf form instead of human form. When she got back to the encampment, Roscoe told her excitedly about the fun of the full moon there. Apparently those not on sentry duty did a lot of running around and romping- no one wanted to sleep, or needed too. He actually saw the Commander stalking among them, growling and holding his tail high. Extremely fun, in Roscoe's terms. Faolan hoped she'd be around for the next full moon, but as she remembered from her scouting days as Carry, time spent at camp was very irregular.

**A/N: The next chapter is promised to be very exciting, so please keep reading and reviewing!**

Thanks to those who reviewed the last chapter!  
GinaStar-Wow! I'm glad you like this story- also impressive reading it all at once! I know its been getting longer and longer and longer...  
StormyPhoenix-Thanks! I hope you like this chapter as much- though it's mostly an over view of Faolan's assignment.  


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	50. The Witches

**A/N: Have a Middle of the Week Distraction! (I'm supposed to be studying right now. Instead I decided to distract both myself and whoever gets an email alert for this story. Heh heh. Spread the procrastination! **_  
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_:Raul?: _Faolan asked, while lying inside her tent, before drifting off to sleep. Faolan had been with the scouts for a few weeks, and they'd just gotten back a few hours ago from another uneventful scouting adventure- well, uneventful for _her_. They were taking a three day break, break meaning they weren't outside the encampment. It didn't meant they just sat around all day doing nothing. She saw Roscoe on and off- more to his unhappiness than hers. She was being absorbed into her scouting group, absorbed into being a scout again. Though she hadn't seen any action, scouting was in her blood. She'd died a scout after all, in this very same war- though on the other side. Thoughts like that gave her the chills.

_:Yes?:_ came the faint reply a few moments later, and a familiar rush of warmth, like a tight hug.

_:I'm a Scout again,:_ Faolan started, _:Though I haven't seen much yet. They do it in a wolf-human pattern, with the wolves leading and the humans trailing with clothes and packs and steel weapons. It's pretty good, and secure. My group's been in a few skirmishes, but no one's been hurt yet. Why hasn't Karse won the war yet?:_

_:Because of you,:_ Raul answered, without missing a beat, _:We know they're werewolves. We were losing, truly, before we got that information. The soldiers don't hear howling anymore. They reported, after learning the enemy was werewolves, that they often heard howling, sometimes all night long, and even would see wolves slinking along in the woods. That doesn't happen anymore. Any wolf is shot on sight. That was one of their greatest advantages.:_

_Our greatest advantage_, Faolan thought silently, musing, _And I gave it away._

_:I really hate this war,:_ Faolan confided a moment later, _:I _am_ a werewolf, not matter how much I'm a Herald, and… it's really hard to keep turning against them. It feels so wrong, after all they've done for me. They trust me like one of their own… And their reasons for fighting are all good- I've run out of reasons to be working against them.:_

_:Except that they're killing your people,: _Raul pointed out, _:Living off Valdemar's pain.:_

_:Not everyone's a Herald, Raul!:_ Faolan thought 'loudly' to Raul, _:Not everyone can sacrifice themselves! Werewolves have a right to live!:_

_:Faolan…: _Raul's mindvoice was soothing, _:It's hard, I know it is. You didn't think it would easy, did you?:_

_:No,:_ Faolan answered, letting Raul change the subject. There was no good answer to that argument, she knew. There was no answer to the war. No way she could stopped her loved ones- on both sides- from eating each other up.

_:Hello?: _a new voice suddenly broke in, and Faolan's connection with Raul was gone. She opened her eyes, her heart pounding in her chest as she tightened her shields over her. Who was that? Who interrupted them? What had they heard? She didn't dare reach out to Raul- not if someone was listening in. She hadn't been aware people _could_ listen in to private channels like that- but she and Raul were both broadcasting very far- maybe their shields stretched thin too.

Faolan waited, staring sightlessly up into the darkness, the pounding in her heart slowly fading. But her tension did not. She kept waiting, and soon enough, she felt it. A slight, curious nudge at her shields, one like she had not felt in years, since being at Haven. Her heart beat into its quick dance again and she pulled her shields in tighter around her mind. But then it retreated, and all was quiet in the spiritual realm once more.

Faolan had almost fallen back asleep when she heard soft foot falls outside her tent, stealthy and creeping. They stopped right outside, and Faolan thought she could hear someone breathing. A hand ran across the canvas, making a sound like claws, and then the flap was gently pulled aside. Despite her fear, Faolan closed her eyes, faking sleep, and kept her ears pricked for any sound. For a long time, all she could hear was the intruder's soft breathing.

But then, softly, ever so softly, she heard a voice whisper, "Come outside. You've nothing to fear. Please. I want to talk."

Faolan slowly pried her eyes open to see the her tent flap fall back into place. She heard the footsteps back off a few paces, then stop. There was silence. Whoever it was, they were waiting out there for her. She hesitated a moment, then crawled out from under her furs and out into the cool night air.

A young man was standing there, watching her- or so she surmised from the direction his face was pointing. Faolan reached into the tent and slipped her boots on, all the while watching this werewolf who watched her. When she was ready, he made a hand motion, telling her to follow, and turned around. He led her through many tents and out onto the silent practice field. When they were fifty feet from the tents, he stopped, sat down, and motioned for Faolan to do so as well.

"My name Dashiell," he said softly, his words wafting through the summer night. Faolan still couldn't quite make out his face- the only light shining down on them was from the stars.

"I'm Faolan," Fao answered reluctantly, wondering if this was the person who'd poked into her conversation with Raul.

"Are you aware of the fact that you are a witch?" he inquired.

Faolan started for a moment at his terms- who'd taught him? But she quickly recovered and said, "What?"

"You can speak with your mind," he said, "I heard you… just bits and pieces of your thoughts, slipping through your walls. You have to know- your walls are very good."

"I…" Faolan stared at him, at a loss for words.

"It's all right," he said, "I can do it too. You won't be burned here. You're not crazy, what you have is special."

"Burned?" Faolan echoed, not entirely following his train of thought, and still debating whether or not to admit it or deny it. Either could lead to safety or death.

"That's what the Karsites do to witches," Dashiell said slowly, "It's what Jessen- the Karsite Priest, wanted to do to me. The Commander wouldn't have it- told him to train me instead. We won't tell him about you though, now will we?"

Faolan peered at him, and managed to make out a grin on his shadowed face. She only frowned back at him, too surprised to find someone with Heraldic Gifts among the werewolves to do anything but try and figure out if this meant she was dead or not.

"So- tell me, Faolan, about your magic," he said a moment later, when it was clear she wasn't replying to his previous comment.

"I… I didn't know I could speak in minds," Faolan said carefully, "But I did hear you. Tonight."

"You did?" he grinned again, "I thought so- you were awake when I came to your tent. But you must have known- you have iron walls."

"Walls?" Faolan echoed, playing ignorant.

"Yeah… like a mental barrier that stops others from reading your thoughts," Dashiell explained, "'Cept yours wasn't working too well tonight. That is, until I spoke to you. Then they got very, very tight."

_Whoops, _Faolan thought, _Maybe I shouldn't have done that._

"Ah," Faolan said, "I think I know what you're talking about. But I didn't know- it was for speaking in minds."

"You must have known. Did you ever hear things that weren't your own thoughts?" Dashiell inquired.

Faolan paused, as if she were thinking it over, then answered, "Well… yeah. I have. I thought I was just… my mind making things up. I found that when I concentrated, they'd go away- I built mental walls- just as you said, and that kept the words away."

Dashiell was silent, and Faolan stared at him, trying to see his expression and tell if her lies were working. He let out a long sigh, then reached over and patted her knee- she could tell he was grinning again, and relaxed.

"Very interesting, Faolan," he said, "I suppose being a werewolf gave you that edge- like me. Jessen said I was a fast learner. I wonder if I'd have made my own shields if my speaking in minds hadn't been caught so quickly when it sprouted up."

"Jessen," Faolan started, "The Karsite Priest. He has Gifts, too?"

"Gifts?" Dashiell echoed and Faolan cursed in her mind, "If that's what you want to call it, then, yes, to an extent. But neither of us can go into Valdemar, over the actual borders. That's why I stay back here- it's okay here. Inside Valdemar though… it's creepy. You've been over the border though- you're a Scout. I'm not even sure where the actual border is, come to think of it. I know I get the creepies about fifteen miles north of here. The border from the war is in a different place- well it's really a two hundred mile stretch, I suppose that we're fighting in… but… anyway. You?"

Faolan stared at Dashiell and then answered, "I… no. I've never noticed anything… What do you mean by creepies?"

Dashiell sighed, then peered at her and said, "Like I'm being watched. Constantly. Malevolently. Only inside Valdemar."

"And this happens to everyone who has… magic?" Faolan inquired, honestly puzzled. Magic had once existed, she even remembered it- everyone else knew through the tales of its long lost use, and of the Herald-Mages. Those had been exciting days… But it wasn't around anymore, except for the Heraldic Gifts. Unless there was still magic outside of Valdemar and somehow it was Valdemar that was expelling the magic.

"Yes," Dashiell nodded eagerly, now that she had understanding, "Everyone. Except you, apparently."

He peered at her a little longer and then said, "Are you… Valdemaren?"

Faolan stared at him then said, very carefully, "Not anymore. I was born in Valdemar, but I was bitten when I was three, and when I was seven I found a werewolf village. Now I'm here."

Dashiell laughed, and it sounded very loud compared to the hushed voices they'd been using. He quickly cut it off, glancing over her shoulder at the tents, and then turned his gaze back onto Faolan and said, "Sorry. I guess that explains it. Those demon riding Heralds or whatever have magics too- but they're fine, obviously, so I guess the Watchers only affect foreigners."

Faolan stared at him, and made a note to talk about this to Raul at some point, and didn't say anything more.

Dashiell filled the silence, however, with a, "Well, now we know your secret, Faolan. Things will be a lot more fun for you- especially since you can cross the border. You're a Scout, right? You were sleeping in Ursula's camp so you must be. You won't need any human relays anyway- all the stuff you see can come straight to the Command's quick message focal point. Me. Unless of course they decide to send you to one of the other main camps and you get to sit in a tent all day relaying messages… Huh. Not my choice, anyway. That will be the Commander's."

"Uh… Dashiell?" Faolan asked, "I don't know how to use my speaking in minds…"

"Ah!" he said, once more a little too loudly, then quieted himself, "Of course! I forgot- you just have walls." He chuckled and said, "Well you won't be sent off any time soon then. You'll be here. With me. Training."

"Training?" Faolan echoed, "What about scouting?"

"You like that then?" he wondered, peering at her, "Well- everyone's different, I suppose. You're here for a few more days before going out, so you can get some training before then, if you're not transferred out of Ursula's group. Who knows? You know- I bet the Commander is still awake. Let's go see him now."

"What about sleep?" Faolan asked as he stood up. She reached behind herself and shoved herself up, her hands pressing into the dry dirt of the practice field.

"Meh," he replied, "This is more important."

He broke into a trot and Faolan hurried to keep up as he entered the rows of tents and wove quickly between them. Faolan almost lost him in the darkness, but managed to tail him all the way to a large, long tent marked with two red stars on the tent flaps, which were closed. But a faint light was coming out from beneath them and as Faolan realized Dashiell was right about the Commander's sleeping habits, she felt the first shiver of real fear since she'd heard Dashiell whisper to her in the darkness, _"You've nothing to fear."_

Dashiell gave the tent a light whap and the tent flaps peered back, revealing a dark wolfish face, who stared up at them accusingly, nose twitching and eyes suspicious.

"Dashiell," Dashiell said, "I've got a little anomaly in our normal workings. Very important the Commander should know."

The werewolf stared at them a little longer, then pushed the tent flap aside for them to step through. Dashiell did so quickly, and Faolan followed. The wolf guard then let the flap drop shut again and he sat down behind the flaps. The tent was lit with four torches, one in each corner, burning brightly and casting moving shadows over the wall. At the far end was a cot piled in furs, a chest, and a weapons rack. Closer to the center was a large table, littered with maps and papers and small wooden pieces. Faolan realized she was staring at the center of command for the entire werewolf army.

The Commander, Garth, as he'd introduced himself when Faolan first came, looked up with tired eyes as they entered. He was standing to the right, leaning on the table and staring at something Faolan couldn't make out. His hair had grown a little since Faolan last saw him, but he looked much the same: tall, powerful, and commanding.

"What is it, Dashiell?" the Commander inquired, straightening up.

"Faolan can speak in minds too, sir," Dashiell said with a salute, "Thought you should know."

The Commander's eyes flashed over onto Faolan and he stared at her with no expression for a minute, then said, "You knew about this?"

Faolan shook her head, "Not until tonight, sir. Dashiell heard me accidentally broadcasting, sir."

"I see he's done some explaining," the Commander's eyes swept back to Dashiell and he asked, "Is she any good?"

"Strong walls, sir," Dashiell said, "I haven't tested anything else, sir."

"Test her," the Commander said, then to Faolan, "You're a Scout?"  
"Yes, sir," Faolan answered.

"Excellent," he said, and his head turned back to Dashiell, "Wait until morning. Take her off any other duties. My orders. Tell Ursula. When you know her strength, report back to me. Before noon tomorrow. Understood?"  
"Yes, sir," Dashiell said with another salute.

"Dismissed," the Commander said, and turned back to the table.

Dashiell started to leave, and Fao following, then the Commander added, "Make sure she's not lying, Dashiell."

"Sir- yes, sir," Dashiell said smartly, and led Faolan out of the Commander's tent, then escorted her back to her own.

Faolan sank gratefully onto her furs, and though she didn't think she'd be able to sleep a wink after that, she almost immediately sunk into a deep sleep, and didn't wake until the wake up horn of the next morning.

**A/N: So what do you think?  
**

**Also, thanks go to:  
cosmicfalcon-Well _I_ happen to know when they run into Heralds, but do YOU really want to know? Heh heh heh.  
oneswordsworn-Thank you! I am glad you enjoy my writing. (I enjoy writing it.)  
Stormy Phoenix- Yah, I already responded to your comments. But uh... yeah Roscoe likes Faolan. That's all I'll say.  
hannah- Thank you for giving me your support! It is extremely appreciated.  
ginalee- Yeah, Faolan is one of my favorite characters, and no, she doesn't have it easy at all! But that's kinda typical of a lot of Heralds.  
Sunfairy-I try to update regularly- I think there was a two month stint where I didn't put anything up but I've gotten things going again- it was around end of semester, new classes and stuff. I think I can safely say updates will be regular from now until the end of the story! I just figured that out myself a few weeks ago actually. Mwahaha.**


	51. A Dance of Minds

**A/N: And here is another chapter... Hmm... I can't really think of anything more interesting to say here... so go ahead and read. **

After what felt like only five minutes of sleep, there was a slap at the tent's door, jumping Faolan and Berit awake. It was still dark out, though Faolan suspected the horn would call out over the camp in less than a candlemark. In the faint, predawn light, Fao's eyes met Berit's and they stared at each other in equal puzzlement before Faolan heard Dashiell hiss from outside the tent.

"Come on Faolan- we have work to do. Before noon, remember?" he said and Faolan saw the tent move again slightly.

"It's for me," Fao whispered to Berit, "Go back to sleep. Ursula will probably explain once she knows- I can't really."

She then threw her furs off herself and wriggled into a pair of pants. In a few moments, she was entirely dressed, chain mail and all, and she shoved outside into the morning. It was chillier than it had been, but with a promise of warmth- that soft scent that wafts on the air like pollen in the spring.

"Good morning," Dashiell greeted her, wearing what appeared to be the same dark clothing he'd had on the night before. Faolan wondered if he slept at all- he seemed wide awake. Faolan, on the other hand, felt kind of like she'd slept on a rock for a pillow.

"Yeah," Faolan agreed quietly, peering at the lightening east and then yawned loudly, stretching out her body before relaxing, "Do we get breakfast or are we jumping right into… testing me?"

"Food first," Dashiell said with a grin, "Doing magic takes extra energy. You'll sleep better tonight than you have in ages, I assure you."

With that he turned, and started to lead her over to the main campfire; Faolan tailed after him but asked, after a moment, "Why would I be lying?"

"Huh?" Dashiell glanced back at her, "Oh- no reason, really. Just whenever anything odd happens the Commander makes sure it's not something that needs more attention, you know?"

"Sure," Faolan agreed, feeling a little better with that explanation. So Garth was just paranoid- he didn't have suspicions about her. Or at least that was Dashiell's interpretation. Faolan had a feeling that this young, sort of unobtrusive man had a lot more power than he looked like he would. He probably knew what he was talking about.

The main campfire was mostly deserted at this hour, so Dashiell ducked over into the cook's tent, where Faolan could already hear some moving about. She waited outside, noticing the lightening sky in increments of about five minutes. Dashiell returned quickly, holding two large slices of some sort of nut bread. He handed one to Faolan, then, with his mouth full, waved for her to follow him.

"We need quiet," he said when he'd swallowed his first bite, "The sentries will let us out- but don't worry, we won't go far."

"Okay," Faolan said, pretty much willing to go along with whatever Dashiell said, as long as it didn't reveal her position as a spy.

By the time they reached a spot Dashiell liked, the sun was up, filtering soft light through the trees. They were about ten minutes from the camp, in a clearing made by a fallen down tree. A rock was in the center, covered in moss and grass that struggled to reach up to the sunlight in the space the tree had made. It was pretty.

"Sit," Dashiell ordered as he climbed onto the rock and folded himself into a comfortable sitting position. Faolan copied him and sat, waiting for him to continue.

"So," he said thoughtfully, his eyes distant, "You made your own walls- and they are very tight. That is good. So… do you really know what speaking in minds is?"

"Uh…" Faolan stared at him, not entirely sure what the question meant, "It means you can hear others thoughts and speak into their minds?"

"Basically, yes," Dashiell nodded, his eyes still somewhere about a foot above her head, "You heard me the night before, I heard you. I guess what I'd like you to do is drop your walls for me- if you can. Since you made them subconsciously, that might be hard."

"No- I think I can," Faolan answered, "I'm always sort of half aware of it…"

"You never wondered if you were going crazy?" he asked, his eyes on hers now, curious.

"I guess I had other things to worry about," Faolan said slowly, "Like staying alive. It never occurred to me those voices belonged to other people."

"Well- now you know!" Dashiell laughed, "So try dropping your walls. Tell me if you hear anything, and what you hear."

Faolan nodded, and closed her eyes, falling into a comfortable meditative state- after all, she already had real Gift training. She played around with her shields a bit, and then finally, slowly, lowered them- knowing Dashiell was watching she tried to make it look amateur. When they were down, Faolan suppressed a shiver. She felt naked. Carefully _not_ thinking about anything that would reveal her, she wondered casually if Dashiell could hear her- if he was listening in. She couldn't really hear anything herself- Dashiell probably had- walls, as he called them, of his own up, and they were far enough from the camp she couldn't hear any other people. It was quiet, in a nice kind of way, like swimming naked for the first time. It's kind of scary, and you keep expecting to feel things brush up against your bare skin, but then there's nothing, and it's like swimming with clothes on except a little more free, and little more dangerous.

Faolan felt something nearby sort of drop, and then a thought drifted into her mind, _Hello Faolan. This is Dashiell- I'm not sending my thoughts, I only dropped my walls to so you could pick up my thoughts._

The words were in her head and understood in seconds, so much quicker than speaking. She opened her eyes and stared at Dashiell, wondering what she was supposed to do, and holding back the urge to snap her shields back over her unprotected mind.

_You're doing well,_ the thoughts drifted in afterwards and Faolan sort of traced them until she touched Dashiell's mind. His own walls sort of almost bounced back into place- she supposed he wasn't used to working with other mind speakers either, so she sort of hovered near, picking up a few random thoughts as they drifted out, and then suddenly his walls were back, and she was blind to his mind.

_:Put your walls back up,:_ she heard, distinctly and clear, with no overtones. He was sending now, and so she obeyed, gratefully.

_:Now- you are doing good, as I thought before, and I think you heard. In case you were wondering, I did pick up most of what you were thinking before- you have very orderly thoughts, if you'll take the compliment, Faolan. Not much wandering. From what Jessen told me, most minds are cluttered and crazy- even if the person is talking in an ordered fashion, their thoughts are chaotic- yours are more like a person's words. I suppose Jessen hasn't much experience with werewolves though. We have higher degrees of mental control by necessity,: _Dashiell spewed off. Faolan digested what he said, then stayed silent, waiting.

_:I want you to try speaking back to me now,: _Dashiell instructed and then gave her a series of steps to do that and how to hear thoughts from other mind speakers, how to send thoughts to other mind speakers, all of which have their own shields and whatnot.

Faolan did as he told her, making herself fumble as if it were all new, and using all her concentration to be what she pretended to be. The stress of her mind combined to give her a thundering headache by the time he told her to open her eyes and take a break. She supposed that was only realistic if she was really being newly trained in her Gifts, but it was still annoying.

"My head really hurts," she said, rubbing her temples with her hands and blinking in the bright sunlight. It wasn't noon yet, but the sun was definitely a couple of candlemarks above what it had been when they started.

"Good," Dashiell said with a grin, "That means you're exercising your abilities."

_More than you know,_ Faolan thought from behind her rock solid walls once more, and she leaned backwards, stretching herself on the sun warmed rock, her chain mail pressing into her skin. It was slightly uncomfortable, but nice because it was a change in position.

"Feel up to one more test?" Dashiell asked. Aside from showing her how to use her thoughts, he'd put her through a series of trials to test the strength, endurance, and reach of her mindspeech. Those Faolan had not faked, she couldn't think of a good reason not to. She knew her mindspeech was strong enough to pick up the thoughts of people near her, but not incredibly strong- for she could only just barely speak to Raul, and that was through one of the strongest bonds on Velgarth. Dashiell basically confirmed this for her, giving her a general pick up range of about a fifty foot radius around her, and a sending/receiving range of about five miles. He didn't detect her empathy- but then, how would he? He was a mind speaker.

"What kind of test?" Faolan inquired, sitting up once more, wondering what else he could possibly gain from her.

"You're a nice person, Faolan," Dashiell started and Faolan stared at him, puzzled, "Sounds like you had it rough from a young age, which explains how you're here at the front so young- because you're tough, and basically you're one the last people I'd ever suspect for anything odd."

"Odd?" Faolan echoed, having a feeling where this was going.

"Like the Commander said- I have to make sure you're not lying. Abilities like mindspeech are pretty rare- even if you're not consciously being used, it's possible someone's using your abilities, funneling off your magic, even if you're not aware of it- funneling thoughts into your head. Hell, it's even possible that you really did know about your mind speaking before I found you and are using it to transfer information to the enemy," Dashiell said, and grinned at Faolan's slightly alarmed expression, "But- not very likely, from what I've gathered about you."

"How exactly…" Faolan started, feeling her headache pound harder, "Are you going to determine that?"

"Well…" he said, looking away, "I'm going to read your mind. You'll have to drop your walls for me, and no arguing. Without this, the Commander won't trust you. Ever wonder why this camp is 'interrogation' free?"

Faolan stared at him, and when he met her eyes he grinned again and said, "I don't need pain to know what's going on in those Valdemaren minds."

A silence stretched between them, in which Faolan was half thinking about how she really should tell Raul about this, and about how much that would really help, and how much it would endanger her if it became clear the enemy knew the werewolves had a mind speaker, and also about how exactly she would manage to let him read her mind without revealing everything.

"I know," Dashiell broke the silence a moment later with an uncomfortable sigh, "That you don't want me to do it- everyone has little things they don't want others to see, that sort of thing, but I'll tell you- pretty much everyone is the same. We all have the same weird thoughts, dirty thoughts, random thoughts that really don't represent our true feelings, memories we think others will hate us for that are really nothing, secret shames and loves and guilts… It's all the same. So whatever is in your head that you don't want anyone seeing- I'm not telling. Nor am I caring. All right, Faolan?"

Faolan stared at him. One of the first things she learned about her Gift was the morality of it. Dashiell was definitely violating her own moral Gift code- but then again, in war time, almost every moral code was broken that existed. In war, anything that won the war was moral, because the enemy is always definitely immoral. Not human. Faolan felt sick for a moment, then regained control and nodded slowly.

"All right," she said, preparing herself for a crazy mental game with him. She wasn't sure she'd be able to keep it up- but from what Dashiell said, if she _didn't _do it, it'd almost be the same, so she asked, "But what happens if I refuse?"

"Exile, I suppose," Dashiell shrugged, "We don't know if we can trust you, so you're exiled from the werewolves. Forced loner. We can't have you on the front, so you probably won't get true control, so you can't go back to the villages. Then again, some werewolves like being alone…"

"No," Faolan shook her head fiercely, surprised at the rush of emotion going through her, "Not that."

"I thought so," Dashiell grinned and Faolan met his eyes, knowing that she had said no to being a loner not because it'd lose her position as a spy, but because she _truly_ didn't want to go. She wanted to stay. Part of the pack. Acceptance.

"Right," Dashiell said a moment later, "I'm ready when you are."

Faolan felt fear clutch at her stomach, but she shoved it away, and tried to shove her headache away too, but that only prickled at her harder so she ignored it and nodded to Dashiell. With that, she dropped her shields and closed her eyes.

Then she felt a tickle at her mind, a brush at the edges of her thoughts. She recoiled from it, but then forced herself to relax. And then the game began. Faolan gently, very gently, pushed Dashiell away from memories he could not touch and put in front of him ones that he could, including memories she'd never had. She twisted a few she did have, presenting them to him in a way that fit with her story. Each movement she made had to be so subtle that he wouldn't even realize he was being guided through her mind. If he even suspected her touch, that was the end of her. It was like an endless dance where she could not touch the other dancer, nor let him even know she was there, but yet she must orchestrate the entire dance, beginning the end. One misstep on his part, and she was ruined.

It was enough that when he retreated Faolan gasped in relief and almost fell backwards. It was enough that she wished she had no guilty memories that she had to hide from the werewolves. It was enough that she wished she was no Herald, and was no spy, and was just a werewolf with mind speech- a gift to help her people, instead of a weapon she was turning against them.

It was enough that when she felt Dashiell wrapping his arms around her, she sank into them, resting, and letting herself be comforted. If he spoke, she did not hear it for a long time. The first words she consciously recognized were this:

"Faolan… it's time to see the Commander," Dashiell whispered into her ear.

Faolan let her eyes flutter open, and she blinked in the harsh sunlight. The first thing she noticed was that her headache had gone- somehow, someway. She pulled herself from Dashiell's arms and stood up carefully, rubbing her head, half in pain and half in thought.

"Are you all right?" Dashiell asked, and Faolan glanced over him. There was no pity or true empathy in his gaze, just common inquiry.

"I'm fine," she answered quickly, "I just feel a little.. disconnected."

"Not surprising," Dashiell answered, and from the tone of his voice Faolan knew he hadn't held her because of some growing liking for her specifically- friendly or romantic, but because he knew exactly what he had done, and knew what the reactions were, and knew what was needed. He'd have done the same for anyone- and Faolan couldn't figure out if this made him a very nice person, or a very emotionally detached person.

"Let's go," Faolan said a moment later, hopping down from the rock and wincing as her muscles complained from being locked in a single position for hours.

"Of course," he answered and leapt down easily, then jogged through the woods, back to the werewolf encampment and the Commander. Faolan wondered uneasily what would happen next.

**A/N: Thanks for reading this chapter, and also much thanks to those who reviewed the previous...  
Sunfairy- I try and put in lots of interesting twists. Must keep you guys on your toes. XD.  
mugglepirate- It won't ever stop getting more interesting. Mwaha.  
andi- Let's see... Projected end is I think chapter 67... and at my rate of update that's still a couple of months away. So you're in luck.  
GinaLee- Most of this story I thought up in the first few months of writing it, but a lot of it I come up with as I write. Me: Well what if THAT happened?  
StormyPhoenix- Oh yeah, spying is definitely not simple. It makes my brain hurt to think about how much thinking one would have to do as a spy. I don't envy Faolan one bit.  
impsy- Thanks! I've thought about doing vampire/werewolf things in Valdemar before, but not until this one did I think I had a plot that could fit in- there's a fine line between fun mixing of stuff and just plain silly.  
hannahbob- I shall keep writing to the end! But for today I think I'll settle with writing the next chapter. XD. Also- have you ever heard of the a capella musical group called The Bobs? Your username is what sparks this- they all call themself like so and so Bob so...  
The-Elven-Bookworm- I do that too- read stories all at once. It's very fun. Though sleep depriving... I think I stayed up to eleven one school night where I had to get up a six... but anyway, thanks for pointing those grammer things out for me. (I tried to proofread this one carefully.) Sometimes it's late and I don't feel like rereading my stuff though... I can be lazy. Also thanks for your earlier reviews too- I don't expect people reading the whole thing at once to review every chapter- I don't even expect everyone to review the most recent chapters, but I do appreciate it! About archery, I've done a little myself. I try and write mostly about what I have actual experience with, since I hate catching people writing about stuff they clearly know nothing about- like people writing about horses calling baby horses ponies. Otherwise I just get vague and hope for the best. I've actually considered deLackeyizing this story- taking out Companions and Valdemar and stuff... but it might be too complicated. Who knows!  
**


	52. The White Witch

**A/N: So this is the last chapter and Faolan gets killed by another Herald and the story is over... Actually I'm joking. Happy April Fool's Day! (The end is projected to be around chapter 67 and I'm not telling you what happens. XD.)**

This time when Faolan followed Dashiell into the Commander's tent, he was relaxed in a rough hewn wooden chair, sipping at a goblet of some liquid Faolan couldn't immediately identify. She wondered if it was wine. She wrinkled her nose, sniffing the tent- it didn't smell like alcohol. Thinking on it, she realized she'd never really seen any werewolves drinking. Maybe the combination of a very emotional wolf and the lowered inhibitions and decision making brought on by drinking was such a bad combination no one did it. Either way, Faolan wasn't a drinker- at least not in any recent lives.

"Report," the Commander said crisply, standing up as they entered and setting the wooden goblet down on the center table. As usual, his face was expressionless, and he gazed at the two of them as if he couldn't really care about them either way.

"She trained herself in the basics- making walls, that is. She can read what people are thinking in about a fifty foot radius, mind searching she needs to be very close, touching preferably. However, she can send and receive specific messages to up to five miles. I think she'll need about a week to be up to par, and then she'll be fully usable as a telepath," Dashiell explained quickly, "And she isn't lying about anything. Faolan is Faolan, same on the inside as she on the outside."

"Excellent," the Commander said, and Faolan wondered if she caught the hints of a smile at the corners of his lips, "We need more people with skills like yours- when fighting against an enemy like Valdemar. Their white demon riders have mind powers of their own."

He paused, then looked directly at Faolan, his cold blue eyes digging into her own and he added, "Faolan- your Scout group is in camp for the week. Do the morning workouts with your group. After lunch, report to Dashiell for mind training. At the end of that week, your Scout group will be sent out again. Dashiell will be staying here, and you are to relay everything your group sees to him. Directly. You'll be on the front line, scouting among the most dangerous parts of the front. If you get close enough and see enemies in white, or of high command, read their minds. I expect you to use your skills like any other. Understood?"

Faolan nodded, and said, "Yes, sir," feeling a shiver of nervousness run through her. One little slip in the middle of the night and now she was thrust into the center of things, instead of hanging around the edges as she had before. Being at the front part of the front meant she was going to be on missions where action was almost a given.

"You are dismissed, Faolan," he said, "Dashiell, stay for a moment."

Faolan turned around and slipped outside past the wolf formed guard, glad to be out of the tent. The sun was very bright, and Faolan closed her eyes against the glare, her head giving her another twinge to remind her it was still in pain. Frowning, she went over to the medical tent, wondering if werewolves had any good cures for headaches. The tent flaps were open, but it was still warm under the thick canvas. A series of white cots formed three lines inside. About a third of them were being used, and on them were a mixture of minor to severely wounded werewolves. It smelled like blood and festering wounds. Leaning over one patient was a man that had a distinct stink to him, and he wore robes Faolan immediately identified as those of a Karsite priest. It was Jessen- the one who'd trained Dashiell. Faolan wrinkled her nose in dislike, but made herself walk over to him.

"Excuse me, sir?" she asked softly and he looked up and frowned at her.

"What?" he asked with a glare.

"Do you have anything for headaches?" she asked, feeling slightly inane.

He muttered something under his breath and straightened up, peering at her with intense disinterest in her and then said, "No. Do I look like a Healer? Go lie down out of the sun, put a washcloth over your head, and try to find someplace quiet."

Faolan nodded and said, "I am sorry for interrupting you."

"Don't be," Jessen growled and turned away from her.

Faolan sighed and left, deciding to follow his instructions. But first she needed to talk to Ursula, and see if the Scout Captain knew what was going on- and if anything more was required of her today. She found the woman on the practice field, hurling throwing axes at a target. She stopped when she saw Faolan approaching.

"Found yourself a knew skill?" she asked wryly, twirling an axe easily in a hand.

"Sort of," Faolan answered, "However useful it may be- it has given me a killer headache today."

"Hah," the woman snorted, "Witches. Well- I've been told we're off for a week until your ready. I suppose I should just be grateful we get to keep you, though I know not everyone will appreciate us being moved up in the order of scout groups. Better soldiers means harder assignments. We're doing sentry duty and messaging- though I'm told you have your own schedule for the week. I don't have anything for you now- take an hour break or so, see if that headache will go away, then come back here and show me your archery skills, headache or no."

Faolan nodded and said, "Yes, sir. Thank you."

"I need to keep my Scouts in good shape, don't I?" Ursula inquired, turning back to the target and letting an axe sail through the air to impale the straw humanoid shaped target's jugular. Faolan winced, and turned to go, taking that as dismissal.

OOO

A little over a week later Faolan found herself running through the woods at night, adrenaline coursing through her veins. She was, by herself, scouting out a small canyon. A group of six soldiers were behind her, three human, three wolf, ready to ambush any Valdemarens they stumbled upon. Faolan hoped it wouldn't come to that. The soldiers had been in this area for a few weeks, and they said it was tough stuff. The Heralds, or 'white demons' as they were most oft called, had many tricks up their sleeves, and the local Captain was being very cautious. The rest of Faolan's scout group was dispersed over the mountain, keeping a relative contact with their human-wolf system, and, of course, with Faolan.

It was dark, but Faolan was in wolf form, and her eyes easily saw through the trees and caught every stray mouse darting under leaves. They'd been going through this pass for the last couple of days, and so far no one had seen anything. But that didn't mean nothing was there. Faolan paused in her jog through the woods and stepped backwards, her nose twitching as she scented the wind. She thought she had picked up something- but no, there were no other smells on the wind but those she expected.

Waiting another moment, she decided it was nothing, and kept going, meandering up a hill and onto the top of a small ridge before ducking back down into the canyon. In the old days, Scouts had kept in touch by howling, but no longer. Ursula had warned her several times to keep absolutely quiet.

Fifteen minutes later she caught scent of something again, and she stopped short, shooting her eyes down into the canyon, peering with black and white vision through the trees. She couldn't see anything, but the wind was bringing the scent of Valdemarens strong into her nose. It awoke old memories, from years ago in Haven, and for a moment Faolan wasn't sure what to do.

Then she got hold of herself and darted down into the canyon, following a creek bed as the scent got stronger and stronger. When she got close, she moved up to the side, carefully stepping silently. Now would be the time that she would stop and alert the other scouts nearby and the soldiers that she'd found something and was going in- but Faolan was going to wait until she knew a bit more, because Faolan's real job was to try and _stop_ Valdemarens from getting killed.

She took a deep breath and crept closer, all her senses on alert. And then she saw them, all of a sudden, weaving through the trees in what would be a quiet way to anyone who wasn't a werewolf. She heard their footsteps as loud, crunching steps, and saw their nervous eyes darting around the forest, looking for the likes of her. She wondered if they had a camp nearby, if they were a scout group, where they were going- and knew Ursula expected her to try and find all that out. But Faolan kept her mind to herself, and kept watching.

After a moment of watching them she lay down to think for a moment. She needed credibility as a Scout, she needed them to know she was good at it- and this was her first time seeing activity. But she also wanted to hinder them as much as possible. Looking back down, she counted about thirty soldiers, they were moving slowly and she could only see about ten at a time through the thick underbrush and woods here, but she guessed about thirty. It was a large group- for the guerilla warfare they were doing.

She sighed, and prepared to send a message to her Captain that she'd found some soldiers, when a sudden glimpse of white down below her caught her eye, and she stopped, almost forgetting to breathe as a Herald materialized in her field of vision, sitting a top a shining white Companion. The creature seemed to glow with Fao's night vision and she marveled that Heralds were even allowed to go on missions like this- even to the bare human eye that Companion had to be extremely visible. Maybe they decided there was enough cover here.

Faolan's eyes went to the rider, and with a jolt, she realized she recognized him. His face was older, and worried, but it was exactly as it had been back at the Heraldic Collegium. Faolan stared down at Christopher Alaska, feeling a strong desire to run down to him, and an equally strong desire to run away as fast as she could.

_Alaska!_ she thought gleefully, her mind racing as she wondered what to do. She couldn't call in soldiers now- not knowing that Alaska was there, and could get hurt. But then a cold feeling sunk into her stomach as she realized that if she didn't tell, and Alaska managed to cause some trouble- and Faolan shivered as she thought of the games he had played with his powers of illusion, then Fao would be the one blamed for not seeing him.

_Damn it Alaska!_ she thought, standing up and growling under her breath, _Why do you have to be here, reminding me who I'm fighting?_

Alaska's eyes, gray in this darkness, like everything else in Fao's vision, glanced upwards, and for a moment she thought he'd seen her, but then he looked back down and patted his Companion's neck. Noland- wasn't it? Faolan dug her claws into the dirt, then turned around and darted back through the woods. When she was far enough away that she could no longer smell them, she stopped her quick speed and slowed back to a jog, her heart pounding in her chest.

_Should I have tried to speak to him?_ she wondered, but then realized it wouldn't have really done anything, except make him not want to kill every wolf he saw on sight. And it wouldn't help her either. Nor would it be good if he somehow knew that a werewolf attack was about to happen. Faolan growled again, wishing she hadn't been assigned to Scouting.

_:The canyon is clear,:_ she sent a moment later to Ursula, _:There's no one there. Not tonight anyway.: _

She had no way to know if Ursula had anything to say in response, for at that distance Faolan could only hear from other mind speakers, and Ursula definitely was not a mind speaker. With an unhappy sigh, Faolan worked her way back to Alistair and Ewan- the other two werewolves she was working together with. When she stepped into the small camp Ewan was guarding, she was shaking all over, uncontrollably. She nodded to Ewan then lay down by their packs, sending him a quick, _:All clear. I am exhausted. Wake me when Alistair returns.:_

And then she fell asleep, ignoring Ewan's curious glance at her twitching body. _Let him wonder all he wants_, she thought, drifting into dreams.

**A/N: Thanks for reading this chapter, and double thanks to those who review it and the last one!  
StormyPhoenix- No, he doesn't know about her past lives. She did some serious mental acrobats to keep him from knowing- but really- Dashiell was trained by a Karsite Priest... XD.  
GinaStar- Yeah, sometimes works funny. Hopefully it told you about this chapter in good time!  
hannahbob- Thanks for your support!  
ginalee- Hey, wanting to read more is never greed. (It's a good thing, actually.) But I won't tell you more about Dashiell- you'll just have to read and find out!**


	53. The Messenger

**A/N: Here's an uber long chapter!**

"_I'm a Scout again, Raleigh," I told him as I leaned against a tree. Raleigh was watching the wolves run through the forest, sleek and silent, below us in the valley. It was one of his memories- or dreams- or nightmares or… whatever. He was pale, and drawn. His hair was long, as it always was in these dreams. He didn't know they kept it short on his body, back in Haven. He didn't know his muscles were gone and he was a pale skeleton, lying in a forgotten room in a forgotten part of the Healer's Collegium. What would it be like to wake up and find out fifteen years had gone by- that you'd aged fifteen years? He was twenty when I died- when Carry died, so he'd been around thirty-five now. _

"_Did you ever stop being a Scout?" he replied a moment later, looking over at me sadly._

Did I_? I wondered, kicking at the leaves on the ground. I wondered if I could just pinch Raleigh and make him wake up. Pinch yourself to make sure you're not dreaming. That didn't even make sense. I'd felt pain in my dreams before… I'd had dreams so vivid I couldn't even convince myself it was a dream to wake up. _

"_I guess not," I said in answer to his question and watched him watch the wolves. I wondered if he always saw wolves. It was so terrible, what was happening to him. He was trapped inside a nightmare- permanently. Or at least until he could get it together and wake up. Or die. Wake up or die. I shivered. A horn sounded somewhere and I realized it was time for me wake up. I smiled farewell to Raleigh as the_

canvas of the tent materialized above Faolan. She sighed, then groaned and rolled over, Raleigh's image still flashing in front of her eyes. Berit was moving over on the other side of the tent though, so Faolan pulled herself into a sitting position and forced her eyes open.

It was a few weeks since she'd seen Alaska, a few terrible, stressful weeks. She'd hadn't seen him again, and no one had questioned her scouting of that valley. They'd come in yesterday, and Faolan was glad to be back at the camp for a break. She'd forced herself to report the positions of two Valdemaren guerilla groups, and gained some status in Ursula's eyes- having mindspeech was a great asset to scouting.

A few minutes later she stepped outside in the morning air. A bit of mist hung over the area, floating and twisting between the tents. The sun would burn it away soon. Just as she was about to turn and go find some breakfast, Ursula materialized and barked a short, "Faolan!"

Faolan turned, reaching a hand back to adjust her long ponytail and said, "Yes sir?"

"Dagny wants you for a messenger run. Report there right after breakfast- might be all day," she growled and Faolan nodded and then Ursula was gone. A few werewolves poked their heads out of the tents, yawning and getting ready to go get breakfast. Seath padded out of his tent, in wolf form as usual, and wagged his tail when he saw Faolan. She grinned and as Berit came out of their tent she headed over to the main fire.

As she munching a bowl of oatmeal, perched on one of the log benches, Roscoe appeared, bowl in hand, and sat down beside her, a grin upon his face. Sigourney came over a few minutes later and sat down as well with a faint smile for Faolan.

"This guy in my group got true control," Roscoe said offhandedly as he shoveled the oatmeal into his mouth, "Intense, huh? I hope we get it soon. War sucks."

"You've been assigned?" Faolan asked, wishing the oatmeal had more flavoring.

"Yeah," Roscoe nodded, "Sigourney and I are still together- we're both soldiers of course. No scouting for Roscoe!"

His expression darkened after a moment and he stared at his oatmeal with a sigh, then added, "It's rough out there, Faolan. I'm glad you're not in the real dirty part of the war. But hey… it's what we do, what we _have_ to do."

"Scouting isn't all that nice, either," Faolan answered, "I hope you get true control soon, Roscoe."

"So uh…" Roscoe hesitated, glancing over at Faolan uneasily, "I heard that you can… uh read minds. Rumors, you know."

Faolan nodded and said quickly, "I can. Read minds, I mean. The Scouts like me- I don't need to be physically present to transfer information. Ursula's put me on messenger duty today- I suppose that has to do with it."

"Have you always been able to?" Roscoe inquired, looking as if he weren't sure if his questions were appropriate or not.

Faolan shrugged, "Apparently. I didn't know it though."

"Weird," Roscoe declared, and finishing his oatmeal, stood up, "Well good luck messaging, Faolan. I'll talk to you later, kay?"

"Yeah," Faolan answered, watching him leave with a smile. Her spoon scraped the bottom of her bowl and she stood up too, depositing her utensils with the rest and turning to head to Dagny's tent with it's familiar red flag.

Dashiell was waiting outside of it and he smiled when he saw Faolan and motioned for her to come inside. Dagny was sitting at the desk, scribbling rapidly on a piece of paper. She didn't look up as Faolan entered.

"Big stuff," Dashiell whispered quietly to Faolan, waiting for Dagny to finish, "They're sending you to an encampment a hundred miles from here and hand over the message- then you'll return- with another werewolf I think. The moment you're in range you and I will be doing some communicating."

Dagny's pen stopped scratching and she quickly rolled up what was written and tucked into one of the collar barrels. Her eyes slid to Faolan and said motioned her over and said, "This is to be delivered to this encampment."

She motioned down at the map spread out on the desk and pointed at a far encampment and looked up at Faolan, "From what I heard Dashiell explained the rest. Got it?"

Faolan nodded and Dagny waited while she pulled on her fur, fangs, and claws and sat down on the floor, looking up with yellow eyes at the people standing above her. It felt good to be in wolf form, as usual. Dagny leaned down and fastened the collar on her.

"All right," she said with a smile, "Good luck!"

"Don't get shot by a Valdemaren," Dashiell called after her as she slipped out, padding softly through the tents. It was humid, and by the huge clouds in the distance Faolan suspected it might storm later in the day.

A few hours into the run- and this one would take all day, Faolan heard a mindvoice brush against her own, and immediately recognized it as Raul. She slowed down a bit, letting her focus drift inwards and her paws navigate the terrain on their own.

_:Faolan?:_ Raul inquired again, her voice stronger, filling Faolan with warmth.

_:I'm here, Raul,:_ Faolan answered, feeling the message barrel beating rhythmically against her chest. They'd spoken before- and Faolan had explained what had happened when Dashiell caught her mindspeaking. Raul had sounded angry, but Faolan hadn't quite managed to get if the anger was directed towards _her_ or Dashiell. It didn't matter in the long run, she supposed.

_:How are you?:_ the Companion wondered softly, _:I miss you Faolan.:_

Faolan could imagine the little mare running around in the woods, dirty and unbrushed- looking wild and free, and felt an ache inside her. She missed Raul too- though not as much as she had when she'd first left her for the werewolves so many years ago. As horrible as it sounded in her mind, Faolan had mostly become used to _not_ being around Raul all the time. Raul had become sort of a mystical link between her and Valdemar, less of a person and more of a physical- well mental really, reminder of who she really was.

_:I'm good, Raul,:_ was all Faolan could think of to say in answer, _:I'm getting used to being on the front. Ursula is a good captain. I'm worried I'll have to get involved in fighting though- recently we've been very much in the midst of things…:_

_:Yes well… I suppose that couldn't be avoided forever,:_ Raul replied, _:Keep strong, Faolan. You've been doing wonderful. I know we can't push you too hard… but… any news for me?:_

Faolan sighed and leapt over a series of rocks, letting her mind be momentarily distracted by her physical reality- then stopped short and said, _:Actually… I'm on messenger duty now and I'm carrying a message…:_

_:What does it say?: _Raul asked quickly.

_:I don't know- I haven't looked. But I can,:_ Faolan answered, wondering why she hadn't realized this before. She sat down and checked her surroundings, making sure she was alone, then made the change back to human.

The humid air pressed uncomfortably against her bare skin as she pulled the collar off her neck and opened the barrel, letting several rolled sheets of parchment fall out onto her hand. Her neck prickled suddenly as a low rumble of thunder echoed from the east, over the mountains and a wind blew suddenly through the trees, rustling all their leaves. She glanced up, but couldn't see anything through the thick canopy, and so turned back to the parchment.

As she flipped through the parchment, scanning over the words and drawings, Dashiell's words came back to her, _"Big stuff…"_

_:What is it Faolan?:_ Raul inquired and Faolan almost jumped, then glanced around the forest again, feeling exposed and blind without her wolf senses. She felt like someone would happen upon her- just because she was doing what she wasn't supposed to. A stick was pressing into the bottom of her foot and she shifted around nervously.

_:Faolan?:_ Raul asked again, and the girl sat down on a rock.

_:It's big, Raul,:_ she said, _:Really big.:_

_:And…?: _the mare prodded.

_:They're planning a coordinated attack on the border. A sweep. Almost all soldiers will be out, forming an organized, communicating line of werewolves and Karsites stretching all the way across the front. Here- this is what the plans look like.:_

Faolans stared intensely at the drawings first and felt Raul peering at her thoughts, then she read through the plans several times, until Raul confirmed it was all transferred over. Then she rolled the parchments back up, thrust it back into the barrel and put the collar back on before transforming quickly back into wolf form as a louder rumble of thunder crept up from the east.

_:Thank you Faolan,:_ Raul said, _:This is very… useful. Be careful, love. I'll let you go finish your duties now.:_

_:Good bye, Raul,:_ Faolan sent, stretching and sniffing the air. It smelled wet. Faolan wasn't sure if she'd be happy or upset about the rain- certainly it would make it cooler… She felt the Companion retreat from her mind and then set off again and her quick jog, darting through the trees and away from the approaching storm.

By the time she got to the encampment she was destined for it was pouring down rain, and there had been lightning and thunder for several hours. Faolan was almost entirely soaked through, but werewolf fur was quite good and she wasn't _totally_ wet. Her vision was cut down though, and she almost didn't see the sentry that suddenly leapt in front of her, his large shape lit up by a sudden bolt of lightning. His lips were raised in a snarl and Faolan stopped short, dropping her tail low in submission.

Seeing this, he reached out and they sniffed noses carefully, and then he sniffed at the wet leather collar around her neck. With a snort through his nose, he nodded, and stepped aside to let her pass. Faolan did so quickly, and was soon among tents. There was no clearing here- the tents were arranged under the trees. From what she could see, this camp was quite small, only about a fifth the size of the one she was in. The ground of the camp was a mixture of churned mud and leaves, and Fao's paws sunk deep into it, leaving mud to cling to her lower legs and paws.

Winding through the camp she found the messenger's tent quickly by it's red flag, and ducked inside out of the rain. Inside, the rain made an odd echoing sound on the canvas of the tent, and it was still very humid inside. Faolan resisted shaking herself off and looked around for a person to deliver her message to- but no one was there.

Mentally frowning she stuck her head back outside and peered around- but only a few werewolves were in sight, and they were all quickly hurrying through the sheets of rain that managed to get through the leaves of the trees, their heads down.

She crept back inside and lay down in the center of the tent, her nose twitching as she inhaled the scents. After fifteen minutes had passed by she stood up again and peered back outside into the darkening evening. The rain was still pouring down and thunder still boomed over head- but no one came to the messenger's tent. With a frustrated sigh she went back out into the rain and went to search for the commanding officer's tent.

This too, only took her a few minutes to find. The guard sitting just inside the door let her pass when she saw the collar around her neck, and Faolan stepped into a very full room. An extremely large and burly man stood in the center around a smaller table like the one in the Commander's tent. A few other werewolves were also standing around, and all of them were peering at her. None of them looked like they expected her.

Faolan bowed respectfully to them, then sat down, waiting for someone to relieve her of her collar. After a moment, a tall, thin werewolf came over and kneeling down in front of her and unbuckled her collar, then stood up and brought it over to the table.

"Didn't expect anyone to be making runs in this weather…" he muttered as he handed the barrel to the large man.

"From the Command," the large man answered, pulling out of the still dry pieces of parchment that the enemy had already read.

His black, beady eyes scanned over it, and a line across his forehead became increasingly creased. Silence filled the tent except for the occasional retreating rumble of thunder and the pattering of rain from above. Faolan waited.

"Darach," the large man said, setting down the sheets, "You're to return with Faolan- that's the messenger. She's a speaker of minds apparently and will notify her camp ahead of time of your impending arrival once she's close enough to communicate. We're doing a massed attack on the border four days from now- right after the full moon is over. The Commander wants one officer from each camp to be at the Command- the attack branches from the center…"

Faolan listened absentmindedly as he went over the papers with the other werewolves, making marks on some other pieces and making a few adjustments to some maps. It was half an hour before the large man- presumably the one in charge, turned back to Faolan.

"Message says you're to return right to your own encampment," he growled from under a shaggy mane of hair and beard, "Do you need anything before that?"

Faolan shook her head. She was a little hungry- but as a wolf she found she needed less regular meals. She'd be fine until their return. He nodded and then motioned to another werewolf, this one with reddish brown hair and evenly built. She guessed he was Darach, for he immediately started changing into werewolf form. A moment later, the large man shoved a bunch of papers into the barrel of her collar and the tall, thin werewolf fastened it back around her neck with an encouraging smile.

"Good running!" the large man barked as Darach, in wolf form, slipped from the tent, Faolan tagging behind him.

They went out into the darkness, the rain, and the wind, and as they left the camp Faolan, moving steadily through the storm, had the feeling that this was the beginning of some very important happenings. And she had a feeling that those happenings would not, could not, be all good. She shivered, bent her head against the wind, and plowed through the trees.

It was extremely late- or very early, when Faolan heard a new mindvoice in her thoughts. She had no idea how far she'd come- in the darkness and the rain that had insisted on pouring down all night, she was having trouble keeping track of where she was.

_:Faolan?:_ it was Dashiell.

_:I'm here. The werewolf Darach is accompanying me. The message was delivered and received,: _Faolan answered, feeling strange to be talking to someone she wasn't bonded to.

_:Excellent,:_ Dashiell replied, _:The Commander is here with me. He wants to ask Darach a few things, right away.:_

_:All right,: _Faolan said, glancing over at the dark wolf that padded along beside her.

_:I don't understand this, but presumably Darach will- how many in total?:_ Darach asked.

Faolan looked at Darach again, then pressed her thoughts at him, gently and said, _:Darach? This is Faolan. I'm in communication with the Commander through another mind speaker at the main encampment. The Commander would like to know this: How many in total?:_

Darach almost leapt sideways when Faolan's voice touched him, and their eyes met in the darkness. After a moment he nodded and continued trotting along beside her, and Faolan touched his mind again, listening to the thoughts that flitted through head.

_One hundred and twenty, _she heard, and quickly conveyed this to Dashiell.

After about an hour of this, Faolan suddenly found herself confronted with her camp's sentries, and she told Dashiell they were there, and slipped into the tents. To her surprise, many lithe wolf shapes were flitting through the tents, splashing through soupy mud and howling softly every once and a while. Fao's eyes flickered upwards to the heavy clouds above and realized it was the full moon. How had she forgotten?

Moving through the tents and wolves, Faolan led them to the Commander's tent. Inside it was dark- no lamps or torches were burning, but she could see all right in what light there was. The Commander was sitting there, looking regal and powerful even in wolf form. He was slate gray and his eyes had a very piercing look. Dashiell lay nearby, looking relaxed and even bored in darkish-black furs.

_:Welcome back, Faolan,:_ Dashiell drawled into her mind, _:The Commander gives his greetings as well. See if you can't slip out of that collar- leave it over near the table. This is it for the night- the moon's setting anyway and we're all free to run around as we please after a few more questions for our dear friend Darach.:_

Faolan nodded and sat down. Darach copied her with a bow of his head to the Commander and the four of them sat in silent, telepathic communication for a few minutes longer. Then the Commander stood up very suddenly and stalked past Faolan and Darach out into the night. Dashiell gave a wolfish grin, letting his tongue hang out for a moment, before darting after and saying, _:See you later Faolan!:_

Faolan glanced at Darach, then went back outside into the storm herself. Lightning flashed behind the mountains- now in the west, and Faolan was presented with the sight of werewolves running around and romping in the mud. There weren't too many- Faolan figured many were out on patrol. She gave a little yelp, and then, feeling full of sudden energy, went off to look for Roscoe or some of the scouts from her group.

Before she found anyone, however, Roscoe found _her_. With a loud bark behind her the lightly colored wolf leapt over to her, splashing mud onto both of them. She recognized Roscoe by his smell- not by his coloring though, because by this time most of the werewolves were colored brown. Mud brown.

She responded to him by nipping him lightly on the ear then dancing around him. After a moment, Sigourney appeared, looking quiet and subdued as usual, and then the three of them ran through the tents, chasing each other and whirling around the practice field. They did it for hours- to when the sky started to lighten.

Faolan was skidding around a turn when she slipped and rolled through several large puddles, right to the feet of another werewolf. In the predawn light she stopped, and looked up at whom she'd splattered with mud, and found herself staring at the cold eyes of the Commander. He growled, and Faolan leapt to her feet and scrambled backwards, her tail and head low.

Roscoe and Sigourney appeared beside her, and they all paused to look at the Commander. He stared down at Faolan for a long moment, then heaved a great sigh and, with a head tilted glance at Faolan, lifted his nose to the sky and let out a long, loud, unearthly howl. Before it was done Faolan was howling in response, and the voices of many other werewolves joined them.

Shivers ran up and down Faolan's spine as she felt herself connected to the wild, wild and wonderful song that sprung forth from the collective throats of them all. It was the sound of freedom.

When it was over, the Commander gave Faolan one last piercing look, then padding away. Faolan watched him go, then turned to Roscoe and nipped his tail. After a moment, she felt her fur start to crawl back into her skin, and she nudged him a good bye and went to return to the messenger's tent, where she had left her clothing and chain mail.

After going to bed, Faolan did not wake until after midday- no one did, in fact.

**A/N: Thanks to everyone who has read this story and thanks to those who reviewed the last chapter...  
StormyPhoenix- Yeah Faolan is struggling with that- she communicates with Valdemar through Raul- probably via Rolan.  
The-Elven-Bookworm- Dashiell isn't watching her constantly- he's the only one with mindspeech and he isn't trained very well himself. My impression on mindspeech was that you couldn't usually hear it unless it was directed at you or directly at no one- so Dashiell overhearing Faolan the first time was a chance, one of a kind event- he must have been focusing on Faolan- even if he didn't know who she was.  
ginalee- She can get in deeper. This chapter was nice and happy but not for long!  
hannahbob- You sense well. XD.  
oneswordsworn- Yeah, being on the front is not going to be easy.  
**


	54. The Spy

**A/N: And just when I thought I'd never get this uploaded... Here it is! Sorry about the long wait- for some reason wasn't letting me upload. I kept getting an error. **

A week later the plan Faolan had read about in the message was implemented, and Fao found herself on the front with her Scouting group, reading and sometimes only pretending to read the minds of Valdemaren soldiers they happened on. They had formed a communicating line of werewolves, as the plans had detailed, and their Scout group changed intermittently with others, scouting out valleys and pushing farther and farther into Valdemar, only leaving empty lands behind. When they met Valdemarens, the soldiers went forward and fought- if they lost the Scouts reported it. If they won the Scouts reported it. Faolan was often sent off to run mental messages up and down the lines- the messaging system was at the heart of this tactic.

The scary thing was, it was actually seeming to work. Sometimes they had to wait as other parts of the line cleared up, but they were pushing into Valdemar. Faolan wondered sometimes as she slept on hard dirt under a leafy sky, if telling Raul had helped at all.

Except then, suddenly, it stopped working.

Faolan woke up one morning to a rough shove, and a face peering down at her. It was Ursula, and she her expression was especially dark. It was still night, and Faolan wondered if they were doing a nocturnal scout- but Ursula hadn't mentioned anything from before..

"Up," the woman hissed, "Get dressed. You've been called back. No idea why. Actually- don't bother getting dressed. Wolf form will be quicker. The message sounded urgent. The Commander wants you."

Faolan did as she was told, quickly moving to wolf form in the cool darkness of the night. Little chills of fear get going through her- what if something had happened? It was probably nothing- well, nothing concerning her that is. She _was_ a mind speaker, after all. She wondered what message would have to be sent this time.

Soon Faolan was loping through cool woods, Ursula's eyes trailing her out of sight. It took her about an hour to reach the camp the Commander was in- the larger encampment had been abandoned for smaller camps- it wasn't good to stay in one spot too long anyway. The sentries let her pass with barely a nose sniff, and Faolan hurried to the Commander's tent. When she entered, she was surprised to see not only the Commander, but Dagny, Dashiell, and Toril.

"Change," the Commander ordered as she entered, "You may where those clothes."

Feeling some trepidation, Faolan climbed out of her wolf form, barely noticing the odd sensation of her bones changing shape- the sensation that had once, a long time ago, pained her every time. She quickly pulled on the clothes and then stood before them, wishing she had something to tie her hair up in. It was getting way too long.

"Faolan of the Harailt pack," he said sternly, and motioned at a chair, "Take a seat."

Fao glanced at him nervously as she sat down and wishing she could talk to Raul. She let out her Empathy a bit and touched the Commander's soul- but it revealed little, only a swirl of coldness, confusion, and frustration. Dashiell was his usual selfish self- his emotions were purely curious and self confident. Toril's was confused, and Dagny was confused as well. What were they confused about? She didn't dare risk reading their minds.

The Commander cleared his throat and then frowned and Faolan and said, "Did you know, Scout Faolan, that the Valdemarens managed to sneak through a hole in our lines and make several ambushes on our soldiers from _behind_?"

Faolan quickly shook her head then said, for good measure, "No, sir."

"Do you know _how_ this was managed, Faolan?" the Commander inquired, pacing in front of her, his hands knotted behind his back. His frown was deeper than before.

"No sir," Faolan said, fidgeting on her chair. She had a cold feeling that she knew where this was going.

"I shall lay it out for you, Faolan," the Commander said and Dagny shifted uncomfortable off to the side, "They snuck through a valley _you_ reported clear. They snuck through _before_ we formed the continuous line. This ambush of theirs was planned with knowledge. _Inside_ knowledge. How, do you imagine, they'd get that?"

"I don't know, sir," Faolan replied, glancing up at him before lowering her eyes to the ground, "There couldn't be a werewolf spy- could there?"

"That is the exact question that has arisen in the minds of all of us," the Commander said, his voice low and dangerous, "It is hard to imagine, of course, what possible reasons a werewolf could have for revealing our plans to those of the enemy. What would it get them? Not true control- and it _would _get them exile from the werewolves, and death if they were caught. What _werewolf_ would want that?"

"No werewolf," Faolan answered, and thought, _A Herald werewolf…_

"Well," the Commander said, "As unlikely as it seems I am forced to confront my suspicions. Dashiell will be reading your mind again to make sure you are not lying to us Faolan. If you are what you tell us, you should have no problem with this assurance of your loyalty. I apologize ahead of time, but I have given Dashiell orders to _make sure_ you are not lying."

Faolan stared at him, dread filling her every pore. She wasn't sure she could withstand that sort of mental.. mental _rape_ again. But she'd have to. Faolan looked up at the Commander, and realized she was staring at Death incarnate- if she slipped.

_Raul, Raul!_ she thought, _We've gone to far, you've got to save me! _But Raul was too far away- and she couldn't risk calling for help with Dashiell so close to her and giving her such scrutiny.

"I'm not a spy," she said vehemently, "I'd never betray us… why would I betray us?"

"That's what we'd like to know," the Commander told her darkly, "Toril tells us you're Valdemaren- came in at the age of seven and said you'd been running wild for a few years in Valdemar. She said you had some trouble with the Change, some odd aspects of control. You're not here at a young age for no reason- you must be good, and your history affirms this. Dashiell confirms what you've said from his first look into your memories… but from what I've learned about witches, there are different levels of power. Dashiell does not have the greatest training… perhaps he _missed_ something?"

"N-no," Faolan shook her head, looking at Dashiell. He didn't meet her gaze- didn't even look concerned, in fact, "I swear, sir, I'm not a spy."

"That fact, I assure you, will be ascertained," the Commander said, then turned to Dashiell, "Are you ready?"

"How do you know _he_ isn't lying? He has mind speech too!" Faolan said, risking voicing her own opinion.

Dashiell looked at the Commander, who stared at Faolan and said, "No suspicious lines of information point towards _him_, Faolan. If they did, I assure you your positions would be reversed."

With that, Dashiell stepped forward and sat down in front of Faolan. The Commander said, as she sensed him going into trance, "Do not try to resist, Faolan. This will be over quickly."

If the Commander said any more Faolan didn't hear it, because at that moment she felt Dashiell push at her shields, and she dropped them quickly, not knowing what else to do. Her heart pounded so hard she felt sure it would burst. Dashiell's mind pressed through her own, a hard force that ripped through her thoughts- not like the gentle prodding of the first time. In horror, she clutched at two facts: the _I am a spy_ and _I am a Herald_, wrapping them in a tiny cocoon of pure fear and pure need to keep those concealed, and she held them tightly in the darkest corner of her mind, unable to stop and adjust the rapid burrowing that Dashiell was doing. There was no chance of pushing him one way or another like before- apparently Dashiell was making sure she wasn't going to try and do just that. She felt memories and words and thoughts flit before him, and they went so fast Faolan barely had a chance to register what they were, and if they were of danger to her. She felt him nearing memories that were a danger like a bludgeoning hammer, that she _knew_ were dangerous, and clutched Raul to her tighter. She clutched the Heralds to her, and she clutched her spying out of the way of his blunt, angry mind reading.

_Please not this, not this, don't find these, _she thought fervently, not caring if Dashiell heard because if she stopped concentrating on it he'd know it all anyway.

What felt like hours- _years_ later, she felt him leave, and she sank backwards into the chair, not even realizing she'd been sitting with every muscle on edge, tight and coiled and rigid. Her breath sank out of her with a whoosh and she just sat there, limp, her eyes closed and her shields slowly crawling back up, not even caring what happened- if she were to live or die by this. Her _mind_ hurt, with a painful, pulsing sort of way. It wasn't a headache, it was purely mental. She felt _drained_; she felt burnt out.

Faintly, as if from very far away, she made out voices talking above and around her. At first she couldn't understand what they were saying, but slowly, slowly, she forced herself to listen. She couldn't tell who's voice it was, but she listened.

"… very strange memories."

"Like how?"

"I'm not sure… I think she's more powerful than I initially thought- just not necessarily in range. I think those memories may be from people she came in contact with, probably accidentally. The training she has must not be sufficient enough control. It seems like she has control, but she clearly doesn't, not on the subconscious level."

"What does that mean then?"

"I don't think she's a spy- at least, not of her own will. Those who are witches are kind of like lights in a darkness of non-magic. The Witches of Valdemar can probably see her like a lantern on top of a mountain on a dark, clear night. She seems extremely receptive on a subconscious level- she's probably subconsciously broadcasting. There's certainly been others in her mind before… Her memories aren't that coherent, pieces seem to be missing and they don't all match up with what we know about her, but from what I've learned being a mind speaker, memories aren't reliable at all so that really doesn't tell us much. I don't know _why_ she decided to read the plans you sent with her, but she did and I think that's the cause of this. It's also possible that the Witches have been manipulating what she remembers from scouting- through her mind speaking magic. Those who have such magic and notoriously more susceptible from such manipulation. There's that one Witch- the Dreamer, they call him- I think she's come in contact with him so who _knows_ what she thinks she been seeing."

"Don't _you_ know?"

"Well- an expression, sir. Basically it means her memories are unreliable. All of ours are."

"Can we trust her?"

"Well, I think we can trust Faolan, the girl…. but I don't think we can trust her power."

"What do you recommend we do?"

"Stop using her mind speaker abilities. Keep her as far away from important information as possible. I'm still not sure… it's possible she actually is a spy. She was in Haven once, for a few years, it wasn't clear why in her memory- that could have been a picked up one too… her memories aren't linear at all…"

"Might it be simpler to exile her… or kill her?"

"Simpler yes… However if she's being used then exiling her won't stop her from being used. We can't send her back to Skylar- she doesn't have true control yet and killing her… I think if she got better training- we could sent her out of Karse to a place where there are Mage schools, get her some real training and then she could be the greatest werewolf of our time. We could both go, actually…"

"But she doesn't have true control."

"No…"

"Send her to the front. Not as a Scout. As a soldier. Put her where many trained werewolves are, ones that just fight and don't know any plans. Keep her as low as possible in the line of information, keep her very busy fighting. That'll stop her from causing trouble, and get her true control as soon as possible. And if she dies, then she's just another werewolf casualty. They can't all live, after all. Better death than living without control, after all."

"There's a good idea… we could have her back to Skylar in a few months, maximum I bet… Then once the war is over we can go find some Mages…"

"If the war ever ends."

"We're winning."

"Not since _her_."

"The war is what keeps us alive. It doesn't matter how long it goes on, it doesn't matter if Valdemar defeats Karse. We are vultures, we feed off the fighting to give ourselves life. We are werewolves, we live for ourselves. The only thing the end of this war would bring is a separation of the Packs again- a good and bad thing. Most werewolves prefer the small Pack life, sending out their young to gain true control in small parties… But more werewolves have gained true control, and actually _learned_ something from it in this war."

"Right, sir."

"Well- someone notify Ursula… and wake up Faolan. Dashiell I want you to keep an eye on her- is it possible _you_ can keep a wall on her thoughts until we get her back on the front in a fighting group?"

"Yes, sir, I can do that."

"Excellent. Stay here with her- she's not going back to Ursula so we don't have a tent for her right now. Dagny, find someone to be a messenger, Toril, you may return to your group- thank you for your help."

Faolan felt a light slap against her face and she winced, but couldn't force herself to open her eyes. The words she had heard were still going through her head- her brain couldn't really comprehend them as fast as normal and she was still struggling to understand what they'd been talking about. Suddenly she felt cold water splash onto her face and her eyes opened not of her own will. She leapt up, gasping and sputtering, then choking as some of the water went up her nose. The light of the tent burned her eyes, as if the fire was on her eyes physically, and not just in the form of light.

Vaguely she realized she was yelling and she stopped, then stared at the people in front of her. Dashiell was standing there, a smirk on his face, and the Commander was on the other side of the tent, leaning over a chest. Her vision seemed oddly blurry, and she couldn't tell what he was doing.

"Dashiell?" she managed to sputter. Her voice sounded off too somehow…

"Hi Faolan," he answered and Faolan suddenly had the strong desire to hurt him physically.

However, she still felt so disoriented all she managed to do was glare at him, feeling like she'd been strongly violated by him. He glanced over the Commander and some words were exchanged- it was taking all of Faolan's concentration to stay up and aware that she didn't make them out, but then Dashiell was taking her arm and steering her across the room, then sitting her down on a cot and pulling off her boots. A warm fur covered her and then before she realized it, Faolan had fallen into a very deep sleep.

**A/N: Thanks to all who reviewed the last time- I'd say more but I think my bus is coming so I must go!**


	55. Waking Up to a Dream

**A/N: And here is the next chapter! I'm on a writing roll... this story is so much fun to write!**

That night, as Faolan slept in the Commander's tent, she had terrible dreams. In all of them, she was a werewolf, carrying a message, and she was running as fast as she could, through woods that would not change, and something, something _terrible_ was behind her, chasing her and chasing her and gaining, ever so slowly gaining. She couldn't escape from the dream, no matter how much she tried to wake up, and she was always running, until her entire body ached and the woods were a brown and green blur. And a _thing_ was coming, coming behind her. If and when it caught her- she would die. Faolan knew this as a fact, and so she ran, ran and ran until _finally_, suddenly, she ran into Raleigh.

"_Carry!" he cried out as I collapsed at his feet, rolling into a ball of pain and fear. The thing chasing me was gone- he had dispelled it simply with his presence. All I could do was moan in response to him; I seemed unable to find words to form to speak to him._

"_Carry…" he said, leaning down and pulling me into his arms. He was warm. And he smelled good. I wondered vaguely if he still smelled like that, back in Haven. And then I was sobbing into his arms, uncontrollably. The tears just poured out of me- like nothing before. In all my lives I could never remember ever crying so hard, so much, or so passionately. _

_When I was done he just held me, cradling me in his arms. For the first time we were in switched positions. I was the one with nightmares and he- he was the one who was calm. I had a sudden moment of fear- that this would send him back, back to his body in Haven and he'd leave me, leave me here alone and I cried out, "Don't leave me Raleigh!"_

"_I won't," he whispered into my ear, his breath warm and soft and I knew he spoke the truth, and relaxed back into his arms…_

When Faolan woke, she could still feel those arms wrapped around her, and for a moment she thought he was really there- but then she realized she was still lying in that cot, with a thick fur over her. Oddly enough, despite the summer, she felt comfortably warm beneath it. Her nose twitched- an unfamiliar smell clung to the furs and she realized suddenly it was the smell of the Commander. She was in his bed.

Waking came over her very slowly, and it was a time before was able to pull her eyes open to the faint light inside the tent. It was a while longer before she could realize what she was seeing, and that was when she noticed she was ravenously hungry. Her brain still felt foggy, and she struggled to think in coherent way. The Commander wasn't in the tent- at first she thought it was empty, but then she noticed Dashiell dozing in a chair, and she remembered that he was supposed to be watching her- shielding her too. Sure enough, she realized she could feel a thin, hard shield around her mind and thoughts. She tried to touch it, but a sharp pain lanced through her head and a small gasp slipped from her lips.

This made Dashiell stir, and he peered over at her, then looked surprised to find her awake. He leapt to his feet and strode over to her, frowning down at her and saying, "How long have you been awake?"

"Not long," Faolan croaked, finding her throat dry as sand.

He reached over to somewhere Faolan couldn't see and then a skin of water was at her lips and Faolan drank, rejoicing in the feel of the lukewarm water sliding down her throat. A few times she coughed, but she kept drinking until the water was entirely gone. Then, she found she was able to sit up, though she felt weak and shaky from hunger. How long had she slept? What time of day was it?

"You've been out for a day," Dashiell commented, as if reading her mind- Faolan realized with a sudden horrible shiver that wracked her body that he could be- but no, she would have felt him. She shivered again, then looked over at him with a mixture of hatred and revulsion.

"Yesterday, very early morning, still dark, was when you fell asleep. It's a few hours after noon now… You hungry?"

Faolan stared at him in surprise- had she really been out that long? Then she nodded, realizing what he had said and he handed her a slab of meat and cheese wrapped in two slices of bread. Fao quickly ate it, ignoring her stomach's protest at so much food being thrown in after so long without. Dashiell watched her as she ate, his eyes narrowed.

"So," he said, when she was done, "Looks like you're not the Faolan we thought you were. My first mind probe didn't reveal what it should have."

"What?" Faolan said to him, peering at him through her still a bit hazy vision.

"We know everything," he drawled, sitting back down in his chair and leaning backwards, "Your mind magics are way out of control. No idea how you managed to get this far with such wild magic. Did you know the enemy was using you through it?"

He laughed, and then before Faolan could answer, said, "No, of course not. I know all, Faolan. I know you through and through. I do have a question though- did you read people's minds on _purpose_ or did you accidentally see all _their_ dirty secrets?"

Faolan stared at him, not sure whether or not to be shocked, embarrassed, or angry- he had to be referring to her past life memories- that she gathered from what she could remember of the discussion that had occurred before she'd been put to bed. Hadn't Dashiell said that all minds were the same? So why was he taunting her about her memories?

"Ah, never mind," Dashiell said and stood up, "I don't really care, anyway. If you can walk, I'm to take you to your new Captain. Not a Scout Captain of course, can't have you doing that anymore. You're going to the _real_ front- and maybe you'll even get true control out of it. But if not… I don't think anyone's going to care if you die."

Faolan just continued to stare at him- but he turned away and walked across the tent then paused and looked back at her with a raised eyebrow. Faolan shot him a glare, then pulled herself into a sitting position. From there she swung her legs off the bed and stood up. For a moment the world swam around her, but then her balance came to her and she stalked after Dashiell, following him out into the camp.

He led her towards the small practice field- which was really just an area under the trees where there wasn't much undergrowth. Just leaves. Faolan could hear the clanging of steel on steel and the dull thunking thuds of metal on wood.

Before they got there however, they ran into an argument- the Commander was standing in the middle of the walkway, looking bored- and Roscoe was standing in front of him, looking livid, his face flushed red.

"FAOLAN IS NOT A SPY!" he was yelling- when he saw her and Dashiell. His face softened and he shoved past the Commander and grabbed Faolan into a hug.

"Faolan!" he yelled, "Gods- where have you been? Are you okay?"

"I'm fine…" Faolan said, feeling distracted. She looked over Roscoe at the Commander. A dark glower was on his face.

When Roscoe pulled away from her the Commander said slowly, "Roscoe- from now on refrain yourself from voicing your inane opinions on matters outside your control. I think your Captain expects you."

Roscoe glared at the Commander, gave Faolan a grin, then jogged off, his shoulders clenched tightly together such that Faolan could tell he was still raging angry. Somewhere she felt glad that _someone_ cared about her, here in this world of silver and steel.

Dashiell started to lead her past the Commander, towards the practice field, but the Commander held out a hand to stop her and said, gazing into her eyes with an unreadable expression, "Be careful Faolan."

Then he turned and walked past, leaving Faolan to wonder what those words meant. They weren't said in compassion, that was for sure. Dashiell seemed to disregard it, for he just led her on and introduced her to a young werewolf Captain that was to be in charge of her from then on. Faolan didn't really pay attention- she was still distracted… distracted sort of by life in general. Dashiell then left, but his shield stayed on her mind and she knew he was probably nearby, keeping a mental eye on her as her Captain, Brodrick, ran her through several physical exercise to test her fighting skills. Faolan's mind was only half there- but her body remembered how to fight, or so she presumed it did, because Brodrick seemed pleased with what she showed him.

OOO

It was another few days until Faolan felt fully herself again. She wasn't sure why she'd gotten so out of whack, but it happened. Faolan had a sneaking suspicion in the back of her mind that what Dashiell had done to her _was_ something akin to rape- but she didn't think about that. For some odd reason, she couldn't really seem to get hold of Raul to tell her what had happened- their link was stretched so thin…

By the time she did manage to talk to Raul again, she was already on the front as a soldier. It was very different- Faolan had never been anything other than a Scout. It was much more… real. She was out there to find the enemy- and kill them. She hadn't done any killing yet- hadn't met any action, but she knew she would soon, and for this reason she was desperate to talk to Raul.

Unlike the scouts, as a soldier, Faolan spent half her time in human form, with human weapons- the bow and arrow to be specific. The Scouts would tell her Captain where some Valdemarens were, and they'd go track them down. So far she'd had the luck that while she was creeping around the woods, waiting for Scouts to call on them, they'd always been too far away and other groups had been the ones getting the action.

Faolan felt a bit lost and abandoned without input from Raul. Dashiell wasn't shielding her anymore- after she'd left the camp he'd taken it down, more from convenience than trust, she knew. She was also far enough from him, here on the front, that she didn't think he could keep a constant eye on what she was doing with her mind but… she was still worried. It was mind speaking that had gotten her into this mess.

As a spy, she was pretty lousy right about then. She was in no position to have any idea what was going on, and she felt fairly blind after having been in the thick of things. Dashiell had expressly ordered her _not_ to use her gift, and to make sure she had tight shields all the time, so she was treated like just another green soldier. Her days as a fighter passed in eat, sleep, go out and trail the scouts, eat, sleep… There was no strategy, no intrigue… And Faolan didn't know what to do.

Finally, one cool evening, she was lying on her bedding, staring up at the sky between the patchy openings among the leaves of the trees above, and she felt a whisper on her mind.

She almost leapt up screaming, her mind on fire, when she realized the touch was a softer one, and she gently, carefully, fearfully, reaching out with her own mind to grab hold of it, and with relief, knew it was Raul.

_:Faolan!: _Raul exclaimed immediately, _:What happened, Chosen? What happened?:_

_:I… they found me out, Raul,:_ Faolan said, _:Sort of. They looked at what happened and realized it all pointed towards me and so… they… Dashiell… but it's okay- mostly. They're not killing me anyway. At least not directly...:_

_:Oh Faolan…:_ Raul answered, her mind voice wrapping Faolan gently- so gently that Faolan suspected Raul could sense how _raw_ her mind was, _:I told them it would put you in danger… I told them but they said if you're going to have a spy you have to use that information…:_

Faolan felt a wash of guilt suddenly and she wrapped her arms around herself and said, _:Raul… I hate this. I really am a werewolf and sometimes I realize what I'm doing and I feel like I'm betraying my people. The werewolves aren't the bad guys, Raul. Isn't there a better way?:_

Raul was silent for a long time, but she finally answered, _:There is no better way Faolan… I suppose you can't understand how much we- the Heralds, have discussed this fact, know that we know about the werewolves but the plain fact is that they've chosen to be murders, chosen to work for Karse, chosen to kill innocents for their own freedom. And because of their choice, we have to oppose them.:_

Faolan heard Raul's words, and it made the pain in her heart grow worse, her mind was also starting to twinge uncomfortably from the use of mind speech, so she said, _:But Raul… I _am_ a werewolf…:_

_:But you're a Herald first, Faolan,: _Raul reminded her, and Faolan felt she didn't quite consider this true, _:Tell me what's happened, though.:_

_:I'm not a scout anymore,:_ Faolan said, glad to lapse onto a different topic, _:Dashiell seems to have formed some sort of idea that my mind speech is way out of control and the Heralds have been manipulating it to gain information. They don't really trust me either, though they seem to generally believe I haven't been spying on purpose. But at least they decided not to kill me. They want me to get true control as soon as possible so I can go back to Skylar…:_

Faolan felt an ache there, and thought, silently, _So I can home… _

_:Oh Faolan- that's as good as wanting to kill you,:_ Raul said, _:There's no way you can gain their trust again?:_

_:No- I don't think so,:_ Faolan answered, _:Since they seem to think I mostly wasn't doing it on purpose and the only answer is killing me or getting me more training. Does this mean I'm not a spy anymore?:_

_:I don't know, Faolan,:_ Raul said, _:I'll have to talk to the other Heralds, and the Queen- it's up to her I suppose. Maybe you can come home, Faolan.:_

Faolan withdrew slightly at those words, thinking that she didn't want to go back to Haven. She wanted to go back to the Harailt pack, back to Skylar. She wanted Roscoe to get true control and come back too… She wanted to go back to playing in the woods with Taryn, and happy full moon hunts…

_:Raul…: _Faolan said carefully, _:I want true control.:_

Raul was silent at this, but she finally said, _:You will get true control, Faolan… somehow. But don't think that killing our people is the only way.:_

_:Raul?: _Faolan inquired softly, _:What should I do now? I mean… they have me fighting- what do I do if I have to get into a fight with Valdemaren soldiers?:_

It took Raul a long time to answer this one too, but she came up with this, _:Well… I suppose the value of life is on you Faolan, as cruel as it sounds. As a spy, you're tactically worth a lot- don't say you aren't doing any spying because you still may be able to help, I don't know yet- but if it comes down to you or someone else- anyone else- pick yourself. Fight doesn't mean kill though, remember that. Know what I mean, Faolan?:_

Faolan nodded, even though Raul couldn't see and then, fingering her silver-pewter wolf necklace she said, _:I'll place my arrows and my claws with care, Raul. Just.. tell me what to do soon.:_

_:I will, love,:_ Raul said, then paused and added, _:Remember there are people who love you Faolan. Remember that. And be strong, my Chosen.:_

_:I will,: _Faolan answered and felt Raul slip away, leaving Faolan feeling very alone and torn between conflicting emotions. She fell into a fitful sleep, her hand clutched around the necklace that Christopher Alaska had given her.

**A/N: And that's that! Thanks a lot to everyone who reviewd the last chapter!! I will also reply to those who reviewd chapter 53 here, since I didn't have time to last time I was updating.  
_For those who reviewed chapter 53..._  
Stormy Phoenix- Yeah you pretty much have captured the gist of what Faolan's going through. XD.  
GinaStar-Oh... there's always a way out! ;)  
LightningStorms- Yeah well... he's got a lot on his shoulders, the Commander. I'd say he has pretty good reasons to be grumpy. Also he's not a very emotional guy.  
ginalee-How's this for getting rougher?  
The-Elven-Bookworm- Yeah... Raul is supposed to seem a little distance, and I have been trying with Roscoe but yeah, I see what you mean. I'm kinda trying to squeeze a whole lot in a little bit of writing soo... yeah. Maybe when I make this into a not-fanfiction I will try and flesh the characters out more- this really is kind a rough draft, you know? Thank you for the feedback- I do appreciate constructive criticism!  
andi- You suspect correctly!  
thargor01- Thanks! I hope I don't sound too much like Lackey though since I'm trying to be a writer myself!  
_For those who reviewd chapter 54...  
_GinaStar-Well... I suppose you know a little more now, but I will let you read to find out what happens next!  
thargor01- Wow, two nights! This is getting on the long side to be reading that much in two nights! I am impressed. I do that too sometimes- stay up really late reading fanfictions and then end up going to bed at like 3 in the morning... not good for sleeping patterns, that. XD.  
ginalee- Is this soon enough? I'm glad Faolan seems like a real person to you- she seems like a real person to me too!  
LightningStorms- I'm writing as fast as I can! XD. (Which really isn't that fast, considering how much I like writing...)  
**

****


	56. Herald In Black

"Faolan," a voice said, terse and low and not at all the usual bouncy energetic voice Faolan was used to. A hand grabbed her arm gently and turned her around and Fao found herself looking at Roscoe- a subdued, pale looking Roscoe.

"What is it?" she answered quickly, searching his face, wondering what had happened. Her group was at base camp for a one day break, and Faolan had just been making her way to dinner.

"Toril… she was killed," Roscoe said and looked away, his pale blue eyes unreadable.

"What?" the words burst from Faolan- she couldn't quite believe it, "She… she _died_?"

"It's a war Faolan- that's what happens to people," Roscoe told her, his voice holding a biting tone to it.

"I know- I mean…" Faolan stared at Roscoe, trying to convey her emotions. She sat down heavily on the dirt near the edge of the path and Roscoe folded himself beside her, reaching over to take her hand and give it a squeeze.

"You've been out of it, mostly," Roscoe said, "But I was assigned to a fighting group and.. it's bloody. War is bloody. It's horrible, really… I'd hate it if it weren't for true control. I wish I'd been born in a time where we weren't involved in this mass mercenary agreement. I hardly ever see Karsite soldiers- I know others who work with them a lot, but I sometimes get the feeling we're just trying to slaughter Valdemarens for the sake of our own liberty…"

Faolan stared at the dirt in front of her, feeling tears suddenly threaten to overtake her- here was Roscoe saying everything she'd be thinking… and Toril had died… and it was just too much to handle. She took a deep breath and then leaned her head over on Roscoe's shoulder.

"I know," she whispered to him, "I know… It scares me. I was out there for four days, running around with my bow and arrows, looking for Valdemarens- I think Broderick gives me light assignments on purpose so I can get into things without being in too deep. I think Ursula did the same. They still see a child when they look at me."

"You shoot like hell though," Roscoe said and Faolan glanced over to see him grin, "Your Captain will realize that quick- or he should, unless he's an idiot. You could probably shoot a fly in a blizzard from a mile off."

Faolan chuckled, appreciating the compliment, and said, "I wouldn't say _that_…"

Roscoe was silent for a moment, then he said in an odd voice, "Uh… Faolan?"

"Yeah?" she asked him, feeling relaxed and sleepy as werewolves walked past them through and around the tents, and the sun slowly sunk down towards the horizon.

He didn't answer but just picked up her chin and gave her a quick kiss on the lips, just brushing his against hers before pulling away with a blush and looked away. Faolan stared at him, feeling sort of shocked into silence. An odd thought popped into her head, _I wonder if that was his first kiss?_ It wasn't hers- well not mentally anyway. She wondered what he'd think if he knew how much was in her head.

"Roscoe," Faolan started, feeling the peace start to leave her once more, but he interrupted her.

"Fao"- he said, still avoiding her gaze, "I like you- I like you a lot. I worry about you- the whole incident with your uh… mind reading… it worries me."

"I know," Faolan answered, reaching out and touching his shoulder to get him to look at her, "I like you too- but... just that, Roscoe. We're just friends, and it'll stay that way."

His eyes held an expression that seemed to say, _"Are you sure? Why can't we be more?" _ But he didn't say anything. He just stared at her then sighed and looked away once more with a shrug.

She waited- and then he finally spoke up, and said, "Why _not_ Faolan?"

Faolan wanted to say, _"Because I'm in love with someone else."_ But then he'd wonder who and there was no way she could tell him about Raleigh, asleep in a coma a thousand miles away. So she only shrugged and said, "I don't know… it's just not us- okay?"

"All right," he said with another shrug, but Faolan knew he wasn't shrugging it off so easily. She opened her Empathy a bit and touched him with it to confirm what she sensed. Then, because she didn't want him moping or distracted, she gave him a little prod that would set him healing quicker- he wasn't madly in love with her, but it was still hurting.

"Dinner?" she asked, and stood up, then reached out a hand and helped him to his feet as he nodded in agreement.

She started to turn to lead them off, but then he pulled her into a tight hug first. When he pulled away he gave her a sheepish grin and said, "Still friends, Faolan."  
She grinned back at him, and they went off in search of dinner, leaving Faolan feeling better than she had in a while.

OOO

Rain was pouring down in the darkness, and Faolan felt soaked to the bone. She peered through the darkness, letting her eyes slip into being more wolfish than humanoid, to better see through the rain and trees. Three others were with her- an older woman, already with true control and hanging around to help out the newbies, and two men, both in their twenties. All of them had more experience than Faolan by far. They crept along, grouped at intervals of about twenty feet, waiting for instructions from their Captain and the neighboring Scout groups.

They were looking for a camp that they suspected, and everyone was on edge- there would be bloodshed tonight. After a little longer sliding through the wet leaves they got the message as a slickly wet werewolf bounded up to them, dirt and mud streaking his coat. He changed back just enough to growl out, "Camp found. Two miles north of here- you and two other groups prepare to attack. Good luck."

Then he bounded back off into the woods, moving faster than any of them could. Faolan reached back and touched the quiver of arrows there, then secured her grip on her bow, then, on second thought, strung it. Two miles was a ways away, but Faolan was taking no chances. The older woman- Constance, motioned them forward, and led them through the pounding rain.

What seemed like ages later, climbing up hills and then winding down them, Constance held up a hand to stop and they all clustered together. She pointed and Faolan followed her hand's direction until she saw- midway up the slope, a scattering of tents. There was no movement, but Faolan could see the human forms of several sentries stationed around the border, a few half hidden. She was sure they'd be totally invisible to anyone but a werewolf. Adrenaline coursed through her system and she took deep breaths, feeling the need to run around- she was on the front of a battle, and she hadn't been someplace like this in years and years- not since Carry Rolf. Not since the day she died.

Constance soon spotted the other groups, and went over to speak to the other leaders. She came back with a battle plan. There were six sentries total, spaced with ten meters between them. They had twelve warriors total- so the plan was to take out all the sentries at once, then move into the camp, hopefully catching the Valdemarens unawares.

In a few moments they had spread out and Faolan crept closer, trying to get within range of her bow. It didn't take long, and she pulled an arrow from her quiver- her hands shaking and water running into her eyes, then nocked it and pulled it back to her cheek, sighting down the shaft towards one black and white- and mostly grayish humanoid form she could see. Her aim rested briefly on the heart- the place she'd been taught to aim, but then she brought it down and sent an arrow singing through the air to thud into the sentry's leg. There was a muffled scream and suddenly Faolan realized she'd ruined their attack plan by not killing him. In the darkness, she could see no blood, but the sentry was still screaming, his hands clutched around his leg.

Feeling a wave of sickness wash over her, Faolan nocked another arrow, then crept a little closer, waiting for new targets to present themselves as the other sentries were taken out and the soldiers in the tents woke up. Off to the side, she saw a werewolf with two long knives stalking up upon a sentry that was hurrying over to the fallen one-

And suddenly all hell broke loose. Down at the campsite, the area was swirling with moving bodies. Lithe werewolf forms- mostly human except for one or two, darted forward through the blackness of the night, and the sentries were shooting arrows out into the woods and drawing swords.

Faolan started loosing arrows as fast as she could get them, taking down soldiers she knew were about to be attacked and always hitting them in non vital areas, a leg here, an arm there, then a shoulder or two. Her arrows almost always hit right on, even with the rain and darkness. There was screaming now, and yelling, and Faolan couldn't tell who was doing the screaming anymore. In fact- she couldn't really tell who was foe and who was friend anymore and she felt a leap of fear as she realized she had no idea who to aim at. So she slid down through several more meters of wet leaves, closer to the camp and settled herself beside a tree, peering through the rain at the figures doing battle.

Finally, after loosing a few more arrows, she lay down her bow and quiver and pulled out her knife- the fighting was too thick for archers, and she wasn't doing any good anymore. Though she wanted to just sit back and wait for the fight to finish, she knew she couldn't do that. It was her responsibility to go down there and fight- for Valdemar and for the werewolves.

So, her long knife in hand, she crept over to the battle, slowly and full of trepidation. When she was only a few feet from the old sentry line, she heard a shout and whirled around to duck as a sword swung in an arc towards her.

Rolling through the leaves she brought her knife up, and jabbed it deep into her attacker's upper thigh. It sunk in with just enough resistance to make Faolan want to vomit, and she pulled it out as the soldier dropped to the ground, blood that looked black in the darkness running over his hands, pumping out of his leg. Fao turned away from him and moved farther into the battle.

From there, it turned into a haze of dancing around silver edged swords, trying to avoid being damaged and avoid doing too much damage at the same time. She could see better than the Valdemarens, she could tell by their more clumsy movements, but they were still good, and a few times Faolan only noticed just in time that an attacker was closing in.

But then she felt the cold bite of steel- steel not silver, catch her across the arm, and suddenly the liquid dripping down her skin was warm. She whirled around and sunk her weapon deep into the man's side, having only a moment to realize what she had done. She stared at the man in shock as he dropped, hollow eyed, onto the ground. Their eyes met momentarily and Faolan felt his death like a punch to the gut. She almost didn't see the lightly colored shape from the corner of her vision bringing a sword up, and reflexively, she whirled around, her knife slashing as she ducked the blow. Blood sprayed from her attacker as she cut his jugular and he too fell to the ground just in time for Faolan to notice he was wearing white. _White_.

Faolan fell to her knees and dropped her knife, grabbing the man's- the _Herald's_ shoulders as she stared into his eyes where the light was fading fast. He gasped, and coughed up thick black liquid- it would be red in the daylight.

"No," she whispered, staring at the horrible gash in his neck, "No no no…"

Another white shape appeared above her and Faolan looked up into eyes that shown blue even in the darkness and she grabbed her knife and scampered away, slipping through the wet leaves and running, running until the sound of hoof beats and the Companion's high, wrenching neigh split the night. She ran until gasping, she slid to the ground and grabbed a small tree for support. She looked down at her right hand and saw the blood stained knife there and she threw it aside in revulsion, pausing only a moment before vomiting repeatedly onto the wet leaves.

"RAUL!" she screamed as she fell backwards, the rain pounding down onto her face and into her eyes, her nose, and mouth. It tasted like blood.

**A/N: There, how was that? Thanks muchly to...  
LightningStorms- Hee hee... Raleigh as a knight in shining armor. Cute image. They have to be my favorite couple out of all the romances I've written...  
thargor01- Ooh.. I gets it. XD.  
The-Elven-Bookworm- Yeah... I didn't get a chance to read over it before posting. Stupid school. XD.  
**


	57. Running Away

**A/N: Sorry about the long update time, I've been really busy. AP exams are next week!!! Ahh... I'll be glad when all that is over. **

Constance found her a few hours later- she was in wolf form, big and splotchy grayish white. She nosed Faolan's motionless form, then slid back into human shape and leaned down to say, over the sound of the rain that was still falling, "Faolan. Faolan, it's Constance."

Faolan rolled over and looked up at the werewolf with half blank eyes. It seemed unreal to her that the woods could still look the same- black and rainy, as they did a few hours ago. How could they look the same when so much had changed? Faolan started to think about what had happened, felt sick, and pushed the thoughts away. She stared up at Constance, feeling cold.

"Come on Faolan- back to camp," Constance said and pulled Faolan to her feet. Then she moved over and picked up Faolan's knife, wiped it off on the leaves, and put it back in the sheath on Faolan's belt with a soft, "You'll be needing that."

"I don't want it," Faolan murmured and turned away. Constance only growled, and Faolan saw she'd shifted back into her wolf form.

The werewolf growled again and started trotting off through the woods. Then she stopped, looking back, and growled again, so Faolan, with a sigh, reluctantly jogged after her. In an hour they'd reached Broderick's small camp- a series of three tents hastily erected in a very bushy area- so the tents were mostly concealed.

When they got there, Constance shoved Faolan inside a tent, then went off elsewhere, leaving Faolan to flop wetly down onto a bedroll and stare up at the black ceiling, listening to the rain pound and wonder if the morning would ever come. It felt like it shouldn't- like time should have somehow stopped because of what she'd done. What seemed like no time and centuries later, Constance returned, this time as a human and dressed. Her clothing was already quite wet though it was clear she'd gotten it dry. She crept into the tent and sat down on the other side from Faolan.

_I'm an Empath_, thought Faolan, _But I can't heal myself… How ironic. Maybe I should just die- then I wouldn't have to fight in this stupid war. I wouldn't have to be a Herald- wouldn't have to be a werewolf. I wouldn't have to live with murder on my hands._

A wave of grief poured through her and she rolled up in a ball, clutching part of her furs close to her body and hardly noticing as the wetness from her clothes soaked into the fur. _Raul saved my life…_ she thought, thinking back to that full moon so many years ago, _She saved my life… but now I wish she hadn't. I wish… I wish I was just a werewolf, and fighting was what I had to do to live… _

"Faolan…" a voice pierced her thoughts and Fao almost yelled at Constance to shut up and leave her alone- but she was too tired, so she just whimpered an acknowledgement and closed her eyes.

"Faolan," the voice persisted, "It's all right to run away- the first battle is always hard. As horrible as it seems, it gets easier. And once you get true control you can go home and never fight again, if you so wish."

"I don't want true control," Faolan whispered, though she was lying. She wanted it more than anything in the world- she wanted to go home and never fight again.

She heard Constance shift around and then- suddenly, the rain stopped and Faolan almost sat up in surprise as the hard patter of rain on canvas trailed off. The tent felt very, very quiet, and Faolan relaxed into that quietness after a moment, as she had relaxed into the rain.

"It's all right, Faolan," Constance said, and Fao felt her give her shoulder a reassuring pat, "If you need to talk I'm here- I got your bow and arrows by the way- they should be okay if you oil it tomorrow morning."  
"Thank you," Faolan murmured automatically as Constance left the tent and Faolan slipped into a deep, dreamless sleep.

OOO

She woke to feel Raul hugging her through their bond. It felt like ages later, though it had been, in truth, only a few hours. The tent was lighter, but day hadn't quite come yet. Faolan almost wanted to choke in the warmness of the bond around her- it felt constricting and comforting at the same time.

_:Faolan, my sweet,:_ Raul said, _:Tell me what's wrong.:_

The Companion must have felt the emotions from even the great distance between them. Faolan felt completely unable to answer- and she realized that Raul couldn't just read it from her mind either. Guilt poured over her and she squeezed her eyes tightly together, wondering if she really had to tell Raul- and if the mare would be able to spot a lie.

_:It doesn't work,:_ she finally whispered down their bond, sending the thoughts to the Companion so far away.

_:What doesn't work?:_ Raul wanted to know.

_:Fighting- me fighting,:_ Faolan said mournfully, _:I can't fight and just injure my enemies… It just doesn't work that way, Raul. War isn't like that. It isn't planned, or calculated- you can't control it, Raul! It just doesn't work that way!:_

Raul was silent for a while, and then she said, _:Faolan… what happened?:  
:I killed someone!:_ Faolan sent to her forcefully and opened her eyes, staring at the top of her tent. Beside her, snoring gently, slept another werewolf. Faolan didn't know who, and didn't move to look over and see.

Raul waited and so Faolan added, _:I killed a Herald too.:_

_:I know,: _Raul said and Faolan's arm twitched.

_:What?:_ she sent, confused- her mind wasn't working properly again and she wondered if she'd heard Raul correctly.

_:I know what you did, Faolan,: _Raul said, _:The Companion- Leola- she recognized you. You're still wearing that necklace too… She's still alive, Faolan, and she reported the battle. You might actually want to keep a heads up- return forces are stalking you down.:  
_Something was wrong with what Raul had said, but Faolan couldn't quite figure it out for a moment- and then she realized, _:But… I'm here.:_

_:Well… that doesn't seem to matter anymore,:_ Raul said carefully and Faolan detected something she'd never heard in Raul's voice before- uncertainty. Had Raul really detected Faolan's emotionally turmoil as she originally suspected- or had she just been investigating the murder of another Herald?

_:Faolan…:_ Raul continued_:I love you, Chosen… but… the Queen and Rolan are doubting your allegiance. You're a Herald, Faolan- I reminded them of that but…:_

_We're so out of touch you don't know me anymore, _Faolan thought silently, aghast- but somehow she didn't feel as bad as she expected she might, _They don't trust me anymore._

_:But it was an accident!:_ Faolan cried out- but accident was really the right word. She had meant to kill that Herald- she just… hadn't planned on it. Nor had she planned on him being a Herald.

_:I know, Faolan! I tried to talk to them… I even pulled Raleigh as a holding point but Rolan isn't listening,:_ Raul said, and then her mindvoice turned urgent, _:You are a Herald, Faolan- you mustn't forget that. Even in the heat of battle, even among friends, you _cannot_ forget that you are a Herald! I Chose you for a reason, Fao- don't let me down.:_

Faolan was silent for a long time, and then she sat up, feeling totally not tired, and she pushed out of the tent in a damp, misty morning and stood up, feeling frustrated and full of pent up energy- despite her lack of sleep. Nearby, a sentry glanced over at her, startled by her sudden appearance. She gave him a half hearted smile to reassure him and moved over to sit down on a rock. Her clothes were still wet- and the rock just made them wetter.

_:Faolan…:_ Raul's voice prodded in, _:Tell me you'll remember you're a Herald.:_

Faolan paused a moment and then shouted, "I don't want-!" then switched to mindvoice, _:I DON'T WANT TO BE A HERALD, RAUL!:_

The sentry had glanced over at her again, and Faolan stood up and slammed shut her connection to Raul and stormed around the camp, kicking up leaves and wishing she was back at the main encampment, where she at least had a few friends that could understand here. She hardly knew these werewolves-

Broderick appeared, and concern was written on his face and he said softly, "Faolan? Are you all right…?"

"Fine," Faolan growled and felt fur started to creep out of her skin- another reminder of how un-Herald like she really was, "I'm fine. I couldn't sleep, is all."  
"Bad dreams?" he asked, then yawned, as if for emphasis, and ran a hand through his light, short hair.

"Of a sort," Faolan answered, letting the fur grow thicker on her arms.

"First time is always hard," Broderick said, then stepped closer and clasped her on the shoulder, glancing momentarily of the signs of Change on her, and said, "Go be a wolf- hell I'll come with you. Running always helps to get it out."

Faolan, feeling a sudden, overwhelming gratitude towards the young Captain, let the Change overcome her, stripping off her clothes before she lost her hands, and then sat on the forest floor a wolf- a drier wolf. She yawned, and stretched, reveling in her different body. Broderick changed quickly too- and then they were two werewolves, sitting in the woods.

He gave a slight bark- almost a howl but not quite, then bounded off through the trees. Faolan chased after his brownish form, her claws digging into the slick dirt as they ran together, side by side, wolf by wolf. The sound of her paws hitting the ground could almost drown out the screams of the Companion that echoed in her head.

And Faolan ran away from being a Herald.

**A/N: Thanks to everyone who reviewed the last chapter!!  
ginalee- If I didn't already have the whole story planned out I'd want to change things just to make it easier for her... Thank you for your enthusiasm!  
GinaStar- I find it amusing that two people with sn's starting with 'gina' are reviewing my story...  
LightningStorms- The answers will come... At this rate and my layout the story should be finished... In July or August... Wow... I started this a long time ago, seems crazy that it's almost over!  
The-Elven-Bookworm- I'm glad it's still interesting! I try and make each chapter have something new in it.  
**


	58. The Lost Soul

**A/N: Once more apologies about the long interval between updates but I have been swamped with two AP exams, then a all night drive to Minnesota for my older sister's college graduation, and then I have another AP exam tomorrow for which I need to be studying for! I can't wait for it all to be over!!**

Faolan wondered sometimes, in the next few days, if Raul was trying to contact her. She didn't know- for the simple fact that she wouldn't let herself know. She had completely blocked out her mindspeech and avoided thinking about Heralds at all. Her mind skipped around that idea like it was poison. In a sense, she _forgot_ she was a Herald.

The first day- after her run with Broderick, she was put back into duty, and Faolan performed it as if she weren't a spy. She went out with her group, in wolf form or with her bow and arrows, and hunted Valdemarens. There wasn't any more large battles, like the one before, but there were a few skirmishes, and Faolan's well placed arrows shot down a few soldiers. She worked hard, and quietly, and without questioning her orders.

And after another few days her group went back to camp for a day break, to let some different werewolves push the line in that area of the mountains. Faolan spent her evenings with other werewolves, talking with them about the fighting, about true control, about the things that were important to them. She let herself drift with things. And she felt that maybe she was being trusted again. Broderick certainly trusted her. Those she worked with trusted her. For Faolan this meant one thing- that maybe she could earn the Commander's trust once more before getting true control. Not that it mattered to her- getting close to the Command. All she wanted was peace.

One thing was missing- and that was Raleigh. She hadn't seen him ina while- he appeared sporadically at best, but Faolan missed him. At night, when nightmares stole through her sleep, she missed him, and wished she could leave her dreams, leave her body, to find his soul and hold him close, have him hold her close, and tell her everything was all right. She missed him like she'd never missed him before.

It was turning into autumn, and the trees were turning multicolored. The days were crisp and cool and leaves crunched snappily under Faolan's feet when she walked. They crunched under her boots and they crunched under her paws. Faolan spent more time as a wolf as well- changing whenever she really felt like it instead of just when required. She felt like she could relate to Seath- for being in wolf form was an escape like that no other human or Changeling could experience.

Back at the main camp, where tents were scattered under the trees in a more permanent fashion, Faolan would trot among the tents, her tail up and her head low, moving among the werewolves and inhaling the scents and smells of the camp. She would wander the woods around the sentries, and roll in leaves for the fun of it. At times like those, she wished Taryn was there to play with her, to chase her in the woods, and she couldn't wait for true control so she could go home to Skylar and her own pack. The pack she'd grown up with.

Faolan fell asleep in wolf form one night, about a week from the incident, curled up inside her tent, her nose poking out from the canvas to let night scents and night air in. Her tent partner was sprawled across her bedding, snoring softly and Faolan hovered in that state between sleeping and waking, where one's thoughts drift like dreams, yet the physical world still curls around one's awareness. Such was Faolan- and this was when Raleigh finally appeared.

She saw him first as if he in the outside the tent, walking towards her- though her eyes were closed. She thought she could smell him, and her nose twitched. She almost stood up, but then remembered it was his soul, and the physical world did not touch him.

Raleigh stopped what felt like a few feet away- distance was arbitrary and peered around. His soul was fuzzy around the edges and Faolan couldn't tell if she was seeing him in a dream or still awake. But then some part of her gave in and she was really dreaming. Raleigh didn't seem to know she was there. He leaned against a tree- a tree in his imagination, and shivered- or shook, Faolan couldn't tell which. He was still soft around the edges.

She twitched her nose and stood up, creeping around the edges of the spirit world that he lived. She wondered if he had trouble coming to her, where all these souls of werewolves resided, or if the places his soul wandered over played no relevance to the state of his mind.

For a long time it felt like, she watched him. He was quiet, and forlorn, and Faolan's heart ached for him. He shook almost constantly, and every once and a while he would glance around nervously. Faolan realized she couldn't let him go on like this- he was getting worse. He seemed to be sinking deeper and deeper into the nightmares as the years had gone by, that his spirit was getting closer and closer to breaking under the strain. How long could he hold out?  
With a cold feeling Faolan wondered if he'd die when his spirit broke- if he'd drift away from his body permanently and never come back. If only he could get stronger, and return to his body! With a frustrated growl, Faolan crept into Raleigh's dream world.

_His eyes lifted as he heard me approach, and I saw them wide and white and desperate appearing. I smiled to see him and then paused as a look of cold, tired dread spread across his face and he sank to the ground with a moan, a whisper coming from his lips._

"_No," he said, staring at me, his eyes confused and scared, "Don't come to me like this. Don't torture me any longer."_

_I wanted to cry out, "But it's me, it's Faolan- it's Carry!" but I found I couldn't- because I was still a wolf. And a wolf was what Raleigh was seeing. _

_I stood there and stared at him, my wolfish yellow eyes staring into his own brown ones. My expression was undoubtedly unreadable, but in his I could see everything. It was despair, and the longer he stared at me the more despairing he got, until finally he cried out again._

"_Leave me alone!" he begged, "Or do something… you cursed spirit. Tormenting me to my soul's end…"_

_He stared at me in puzzlement, and I realized his confusion must come from the fact that I felt like Carry and I sat down with a whine, wondering what to do- wanting to go up to him and lick his face, let him bury his face into my fur- but he wouldn't do that. From his body I sensed any movement against him, towards him, any possibly threatening movement would only make him more scared, more confused, more desperate. He was very close to the edge- to the breaking point. _

_In final despair- I broke first, and ran away from him, unable to look at his mourning eyes any longer. As I changed swiftly back into human form, my eyes stung with tears. My hair- long when down, hung over my face as I crouched, still in a wolf's stance, but human in form. My fingers dug into soft, leafy dirt as my tears spattered onto the ground beneath me. _

"_Raleigh!" I gasped out, "How can I help you? Raleigh, let me help you!"_

_I gasped in several heaving breaths and then stood up, and I was wearing clothes- for this was a dream world, and no true physicality. They were not the clothes I wore as a werewolf, but the clothes I wore as Carry, and they were the softest leathers, comfortable and worn to fit my body- though my body had changed. I couldn't feel the dirt beneath my feet anymore, so I stood up, and pulled my long red hair back into a ponytail, then let it drape around my shoulders. _

_Then slowly, carefully, I peered back to where Raleigh was, and wondered if I dared approach him. Would he let me, or would he see right through me into my wolfish core? A sharp pain ran through me and I clutched my arms around myself as I realized that part of me which I cherished most, was that which he despised most- was that which haunted him and kept him terrified for fifteen years. _

"_Oh Raleigh…"I whispered, "We're not so frightening. I'm not so frightening."_

_Slowly I stumbled through the woods back to him, and found him hunched under the same tree, his body shaking with what I presumed was terror and despair. I paused a bit away and watched him again, as I had before, wondering if he could sense me, and then I took a deep breath and stepped over to him._

"_Raleigh," I whispered, and took another step so I was standing above him, and I reached down to run my hands through his hair, pulling it out of it's ponytail and letting it fall loose about his shoulders- it wasn't quite as long as mine. _

"_Carry," he answered, and his voice held this note of relief. I sank down beside him and leaned against him, feeling my eyes well up with tears again._

"_I'm sorry," I whispered to him, "I've been lying to you."_

_His face curved towards me and I saw his strained face and he said, "You can't lie to me, Carry… If you're even real. I knew it all along."_

_I stared at him, then to make sure, prodded, "That I'm a werewolf?"_

_"Yes," he answered, and I saw his eyes flicker with fear even now, as I sat close to him, "Yes… It's how things should be, right? This is a nightmare- and nothing could possibly be worse than you being one of them. I sensed it around you, whenever you were near, but ignored it, because it's you, Carry… And I love you. But then, just now…seeing that wolf and knowing deep down inside it was you… I couldn't take it. So I'm sorry, Carry. I'm sorry that I'm afraid of you."_

_"You're not afraid now," I whispered into his ear, letting my lips brush his skin gently. A long sigh slipped through him and he leaned against the tree._

"_No," he said, a half smile appearing on his lips, "No I'm not…"_

"_It's all okay," I told him, "I'm a werewolf, but I'll never hurt you. They'll never hurt you again because, Raleigh… they're just like us. They're like me. They're human."_

_He shivered, and I slipped an arm around his shoulders, pulling him tight to me and letting our heads rest together. On sudden inspiration, I let out my empathy, and touched the writhing mass of blackness that formed his poor soul. He seemed to quiver when I did so, but he didn't move or say anything, just let me gently work through his emotions, prodding here and there and pulling there. _

"_What are you doing?" he asked me after a while._

"_Putting your emotions straight," I whispered, wrapping him in my empathy, wrapping him in my love. _

_He nodded and sighed, leaning against me. It was like giving a shoulder massage to someone who's needed it for years, who can barely move for the tightness and pain in their muscles. It took forever, and I barely realized I could do it, but it happened. In a sudden twist, and sudden nudge, his soul fell straight and I heard Raleigh gasp from it. He was still afraid, he was still a little despairing- but he wasn't twisted up inside anymore. He was at the point where he could heal normally- where his soul could heal. _

_Suddenly I realized I was in wolf form again, lying by his side and leaning my furred head against his arm, feeling him breath. I hadn't changed, I had just… changed- switching between forms without the twisting of sinews. At the same moment I realized it I knew Raleigh had realized it, and he let his arm fall over me, letting his fingers run through my fur and I felt like leaping for joy because I could feel the happiness in him, feel the comfort- and feel the fear. It was still there, but it was realistic fear. His fingers shook slightly as they moved across my fur, gently touched my ears, my paws, my shoulders. He was forcing himself, I knew, and it made me proud, made me love him more, that he was doing it for me. _

"_Raleigh," I said, in human form as suddenly as I was in wolf- my soul was one of duality and it changed forms easier than a body._

"_Raleigh," I said, and pressed myself close to him, turning so I could face him directly, then so I could reach up and pull his face to look at mine. _

_He was pale and still a little shivery, but when I looked into his eyes they were strong, and it brought a smile to my face. A smile lit across his as well, and that made my smile turn into a grin._

"_I love you, Raleigh," I told him, "I do- I love you in this life as much as the last. I'm with you, Raleigh, forever and ever. I'm by your side and you're safe with me, safe where you are."_

_My empathy still open I could feel him sigh to my words, feel his soul reach out for mine and in a sickening sort of way, he slipped a little farther away from me. I realized I felt like I was holding sand, and he'd slowly been trickling away the whole time I'd been with him. Tears stung my eyes as I realized he was leaving._

"_I love you too," he whispered to me, and his soul was almost transparent. But he wasn't gone yet. He was still here. I sensed it was within my power to keep him here- the right words, the right actions… _

_So I leaned up to him and pressed my lips against his, softly and gently. His were warm, as they always were, and I could taste his own tears there. My arms wrapped around him and his wrapped around mine and the entire world fell away around us. I felt like we were falling through a haze, a mist, towards something. _

"_I love you Carry," Raleigh said. And then he was gone._

Faolan woke in wolf form with a terrible, hollow emptiness inside her. She awoke instantly awake, standing, and she woke with every hair on her wolf form alight, standing up, and brisling. She awoke with an odd haze over her vision. The peaceful tranquility, the sadness of letting Raleigh go that she had felt moments before was gone, and it was replaced with this _hole_ that was eating up her insides, sucking her in, _swamping _her. Faolan's legs shook from the effort of holding herself up under the weight of the emotions she was feeling.

It took her a moment to realize why she felt like that, to remember what had happened. It was dark and quiet, and as she also came to her sense of where she was, she almost slipped away from thoughts of Raleigh- but then she remembered. And she started shaking, worse than she had when she murdered a Herald, worse than she had ever before. She stood, unable to see or feel anything but blackness and coldness because this place where Raleigh had been for years- ever since she'd come to the werewolves, was sickeningly, terribly empty.

_:RALEIGH!:_ Faolan screamed and the person in the tent beside her stirred.

A sudden, erupting, terrible anger burst through her, like none she'd felt before, and it replaced the horrible swimming emptiness that had been in her before. It coursed through her like fire, eating through her veins and body, and through it ran the feeling that if Raleigh was gone, _no one deserved to live. No one deserved to be happy_.

Faolan looked around her, and her vision swamped red…

**A/N: And now... thanks to those who reviewed the previous chapter!  
GinaStar- Wow, you graduated high school three years before I was born! Now I feel young. Even though I'm going to be eighteen in nine days!  
The-Elven-Bookworm- Still writing! I find myself rereading old chapters too, when I should be writing new ones! Ah, I can't believe it's almost done!  
ginalee- Yeah, Fao doesn't really have it easy!  
LightningStorms- You'll have to wait until the next chapter to hear from Raul!  
Ban Capall- That you have only one word in response to that chapter is both inspiring and thought provoking. XD. Have anything specific that made it 'wow'?**


	59. Thrice For Love

When Faolan woke up, it was a few hours after dawn, and in the low valley she was in, the light drifted through low, and it was still cool. She could feel the sun would burn it all off soon though, when the day came into itself. A stick was pressing into her back uncomfortably, and when Faolan sat up she was surprised to find herself completely naked. Looking around, she saw no one else- only a series of bloody paw prints leading up to where she was laying.

Faolan leaned over and vomited as she realized, at the moment she saw the footprints, that her entire mouth tasted like blood, and she could feel dried blood on her chin, caked beneath her fingernails, between her fingers, and streaked across her chest.

"Uhhh…" she moaned, and lay on the leaves, gasping for breath.

She still felt achingly empty, but the emotions that were going through her were too fast and tumultuous for her to be able to think straight. After a moment she sat up and stared at the paw prints, then stared at her hands, and almost threw up again- but she managed to hold it down.

"Is this true control?" she whispered, staring at her hands- and she knew it was. As the memories of the night before flooded back through her mind, she knew it was.

Never had something felt so bitter in her entire life. Faolan sat on the leaves, too empty and too tired and too despairing to even cry. She was completely, utterly alone, in a way she hadn't been since she was a tiny child, alone in the woods as a werewolf howled nearby, thirsty for blood and full of pain from no control.

For Faolan had lost herself the werewolves. She knew that now, because there was no way they'd accept her back after what she'd done. The _point_ of going to war was to force true control on young werewolves in an environment where it did no harm to the pack. But Faolan had violated that. She went to war, but when she got there, she gained her true control from the deaths of other werewolves. The blood covering her body was not her own- not any of it. It belonged to werewolves of whom she didn't even know the names of. Werewolves she was supposed to be working with so they could _all_ gain true control, and go back to their packs.

So Faolan had lost the werewolves. She lost them just when she made them her final choice, her only choice of a people to live with. For she had surely lost Raul as well, after this past week. Surely the Companion would not take her back. Surely she would be repudiated upon sight- and then she would be a true loner, doomed to stalk the woods and wild mountains by herself all her life.

"What have I done, Raul?" Faolan wondered as she heard the scream of the Companion of the Herald she'd kill echo in her mind, "What have I done?"

Then a chill ran through her, for a howl had just rang out through the woods, and Faolan realized she had left a trail any pup could follow. The werewolves would defend their family, their kin, their pack. They would not leave her murders without vengeance.

Without thinking she stood up and turned into her wolf self. With a last glance backwards and a sniff at the spot where she'd lain for several hours, she turned and ran. She ran like only a werewolf could, and she ran towards the place she had called home before she'd called Skylar home. She ran to a place where a Companion hadn't yet repudiated her. She ran to a place where she'd first learned she wasn't the only werewolf in the world. And most of all, she ran towards the place where Raleigh's body would finally be still and quiet, and at peace.

_Haven._

OOO

It was three days before Raul caught up to Faolan. She barely felt tired, through sweat and dirt streaked her sides. She felt filled with a boundless energy, such that she could run, and run, and run until she got to where she meant to go or until she died.

_:Faolan!:_ the words pierced Faolan's mind and she winced away from them like one winces away from an stab wound. Moments after this Faolan heard hoof beats and a lithe, white shape appeared, galloping beside Faolan.

Raul was so breathtakingly beautiful that Faolan almost forgot what she was doing. She almost stumbled and fell down- where she was sure she would never get up. But she didn't. She kept running, though she did glance up and over at the horse shaped creature that ran beside her, pulling in air sharply through delicate nostrils that flared wide, who's muscles rippled under a shining white hide, who's eyes were focused neatly ahead and were filled with a deep, indescribable blue. Faolan felt herself falling into that blue as she had the day she was Chosen.

_:Raul…: _Faolan said, and the words came from her mind like a moan, _:Oh Raul… I am so sorry and I feel like I should be dead and if you repudiate me I won't argue but oh please Raul, please, _please_, don't repudiate me.:_

_:I'm not repudiating you,: _Raul said, her voice strong and certain- and almost amused over the deep worry that pervaded each word she uttered.

Relief sunk through Faolan's body like drinking water and she said, _:Really?: _and slowed to a fast walk, staring up at Raul.

_:Yes, really,:_ Raul answered, _:Now stop and let me talk to you.:_

Faolan obeyed, and she stopped and sat down, her sides heaving and her tongue hanging out as her body adjusted to the change in motion and took the chance to tell her that she was tired, thirsty, and hungry.

Raul turned and faced Faolan, then put her head down and nuzzled Faolan gently on the shoulder, breathing warm, horsey smelling breath onto Faolan's bloodstained, sweatstained fur. Faolan's heart pounded loudly in her ears, and it seemed to her that everything else around them was strangely quiet.

_:There are some… that think I should repudiate you,:_ Raul said softly, _:There are some that believe you have done things that cannot be forgiven in a Herald… But they do not know you Faolan. They do not know what is inside your soul. And though I may not have been close to your soul these past years it still shines brightly in my eyes, as strong and pure and wonderful as it did when I first saw you and knew I had to Choose you.:_

Faolan just stared up at Raul, feeling like crying but unable to in wolf form. She found there were no words she could think to say in response to that anyway.

_:But Faolan…: _Raul paused, and her blue eyes pierced into Faolan's, _:Tell me why I should not repudiate you.:_

And now Faolan felt guilt, the terrible guilt of betraying someone you love that loves you, of doing wrong in their eyes, and she bowed her head, dropping to lay on the ground below her Companion, and she said, _:Because I'm still a Herald in my heart. Because I love Raleigh. Because I love the werewolves. Because I love Valdemar. Because it is love that drove me to do what I did, and it is love that drove me out of it. Because I love you, Raul.:_

Raul seemed to find this answer acceptable, because she was standing silently before Faolan, staring at her with eyes that had turned soft and kind and loving. Faolan sat up and gave the Companion's nose a little lick.

_:You will have a hard time convincing the Heralds of that,:_ Raul said heavily a while later, _:A hard time. This war… there is not one Herald who has not been touched by it, and there is not one Herald but you that wishes the werewolf had never been created. And as wonderful as Heralds are, they are still human. There are those that say, and will say, that my opinion of you no longer counts, because I have been away so long that our bond is too weak for me to properly read you. There are those that say you are to young for the duties placed upon you, and therein lies your fault- and the fault of the Queen for placing you in that position, and me for letting her. And Faolan… there are those that will look into your heart and they will find you guilty for the things that I forgive you for. And some of those people will be Companions, and some of them will be their Heralds.:_

_:I don't care,: _Faolan whispered, _:As long as you accept me I'm still a Herald. I can handle everything else.:_

_:You shouldn't have to, though,: _Raul said, softly.

_:Raul?:_ Faolan asked after a brief silence, _:The Herald… that I killed. Leola's Herald… what was his name?:_

_:Belar,: _Raul answered quietly, _:His name was Belar.:_

_:What's going to happen to Leola?: _Faolan inquired, sitting before Raul and looking up at her forlornly.

_:Either she will Choose again, or she will slowly fade away, and die,: _Raul answered, bowing her head, _:I do not advise trying to find her- she's back at Haven now, when we get there. I do not know her feelings towards you, and trying to talk to her will only make her feel worse.:_

_:All right,: _Faolan said, her heart weeping, _:I just wish I could tell her I'm sorry. Though I don't think it could ever have happened differently.:_

_:I know you are sorry, Faolan, and that is enough for now,: _Raul said, then sighed, and tossed her head, _:Come… It's a long way to Haven.:_

OOO

It was a day later that they broke into Valdemaren countryside, and Faolan was amazed at the change. Valdemar was a broken country. The fields they walked by, wolf and Companion side by side, where empty and weed covered. Houses were falling down. The people they saw were downcast, and did not look or even notice the strange pair that passed. Almost all the people they passed were women and children. There were no men or boys over the age of ten or under the age of sixty. Sorrow hung over the country like a blanket, despair hung around it like a noose.

After a while, Faolan changed back into human form, found some clothes in a way station, and rode Raul bareback as she hadn't in years, down ill kept, abandoned roads that had once been thriving passages between towns and villages and cities. Everything look gray, and even the calls of birds in orange leafed trees seemed forlorn.

It reminded her of Raleigh, in a eerie and deeply painful way. Faolan found herself crying almost half the time she was awake, making Raul's mane wet and sticky with tears. And thinking of Raleigh made her think of the werewolves she had once wished she could life with forever, and that made the pain even worse.

The past years seemed so unreal Faolan wasn't even sure who _she_ was anymore. She was Herald, she was Werewolf, she was Faolan, and she was Carry, but those things seemed to hold little meaning over what happened to her. Raul made her way through a dark, sad Valdemar, carrying a dark, sad Herald upon her back, and that was how they arrived at Haven, one dark, cold autumn evening.

**A/N: Well, that's the next chapter, and I suppose it answers a few of your questions, but not all of them! Thanks to those who reviewed the last chapter!!  
oneswordsworn- Now you know what Raul has to say! Let's see... Raleigh was supposed to still be in the storyline (he's only been out for a few chapters) but I suppose a few chapters is a long time on   
Ginastar- I think I will refrain from saying anything on the subject of Raleigh for now but at least she has Raul back now!  
The-Elven-Bookworm- I think this chapter answered most of your questions quite directly- yes she has true control, apparently the werewolves have turned on her, and the next chapter shall reveal the acceptance of Valdemar towards her!  
ginalee- Thank you- I hope this wasn't too long to wait for this chapter!  
Ban Capall- Wow- I didn't even realize I was putting an unthinkable concept into my story... I'm sure someone else has a nice plot that wraps around to create a situation where a Herald kills another Herald too somewhere. Hmm... I THINK I explained true control fully when Skylar explained it to Faolan... to clear it up for anyone who is confused as you are, true control is gained after a werewolf totally loses control, not like never having had control, as was Marku, the werewolf who bit Faolan, but when a normal werewolf loses total control. Usually only extreme anger or sorrow can drive a werewolf to this point, but afterwards the werewolf in question knows where that line is- the line between extreme emotions and losing control, and they will never cross it again. This is important because at some point in everyone life, it is likely they will be pushed over that limit- and this is a danger to the packs. Thus they go to war, forcing young werewolves to gain true control in an environment where they will not harm the pack, and the packs can live safely and happily, with each other. Make more sense now?  
LightningStorms- Heh heh... keep reading and eventually everything will make sense. ;)  
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	60. Gone Back Home

**A/N: This may not be entirely edited for spelling/grammer as I have to leave in like five minutes to go babysitting! Sorry bout that.**

Haven was a miniature version of Valdemar- it that is seemed deserted too. Even though it was night, there should have been people out, people in taverns… but nothing. It was quiet and lonely and had a hollow feel. All the pubs were closed- no merry singing and laughter and warm firelight came from within. Raul's hooves chimed forlornly on the cobblestones.

When they entered the palace compound and walked towards the Heraldic Collegium, past the Companion's Field, Faolan was surprised at how few white shapes she could see dotting the field. Where were all the Companions? With a sinking heart, Faolan knew. They were at war.

Three figures clad in white were standing near the front steps to the Herald's Collegium, and three white horse like shapes were standing nearby. In the darkness they all seemed to glow. Faolan felt a clutch of fear in her gut as she looked at those figures, and brought Raul's words to mind- but it quickly went away. What else had she to lose, anyway? They couldn't make Raul repudiate her, no matter what, unless Raul wanted to. And Raul had made it clear she didn't want to repudiate Fao.

"Faolan?" a voice asked as one of the figures turned to see Faolan and Raul chiming slowly towards them.

Raul stopped as Faolan slid off the Companion's back and ran over to the person who'd spoken- because she knew that voice, even though she hadn't hear it in around eight years. Strong arms embraced her and Faolan felt an old warmth spread through her. She was a lot taller since the last time she'd seen Rathmir, but the woman seemed to have changed little herself.

"You've grown," Rathmir whispered into Faolan's ear as they embraced, "You're not a little girl anymore."

"I never was," Faolan replied, as they pulled apart, their eyes meeting in a mixture of happiness and sadness. Faolan felt herself overcome with emotion- she hadn't really thought about the reuniting aspect of returning to Haven… only the essence of it.

"Faolan," a new voice said, and Faolan looked over Rathmir's shoulder to see William Sommer standing their, a slight smile on his face.

"Hi," she answered, then paused before stepping forward to hug him too.

The third Herald coughed, and they all turned to look at him. He was a young man; Faolan would have placed him in his early twenties, and his whites were of a particularly fine cut. Fao did not recognize him.

"Faolan," Rathmir said, "This is Herald-Prince Dante- the Heir to the Throne."

Faolan gave him a small bow, trying to remember her courtly manners from several past lives ago. Dante didn't really seem to care though, he just nodded back to Faolan and then said, sounding like his mind was elsewhere, "We should continue our discussion inside- where there is light."

Faolan glanced back at Raul, who just bobbed her head in agreement and said, _:I'll be with you, Faolan.:_

Fao nodded, and then followed Dante, Rathmir, and William inside to halls that seemed smaller than they had the last time she was there. It was quiet in the Collegium, but the warm lamps lighting the halls made it feel comforting and safe. In the light she saw that Rathmir did look older- their were more gray hairs on her head, and more lines on her face, but the she was still the Rathmir that Faolan remembered. Dante too, she could now see clearly. He was tall, and had black hair just as Fao recalled the Queen having. It was cut short on him though, and neat. He walked like a Prince.

The Heir brought them to what appeared to be a sort of receiving room, where a large fire burnt merrily, but without the wild feel of the fires Faolan was used to sitting by with the werewolves. Faolan pushed thoughts of them away and, copying the others, took a seat in one of the chairs placed before a table. Dante sat facing her, and Rathmir and William chose to sit on either side of her in an obvious gesture of support. It made Faolan feel surprisingly loved- she had not expected that from anyone within the Collegium.

Dante sighed and leaned back in the chair, then said, "I never knew you when you were here before, Faolan. I was a trainee myself then, and not involved in the affairs of the state, but I know of you now. We- the Heralds, trust you Faolan Wolfsbane… but some of your actions were in direct defiance of your Companion and your country."

Faolan couldn't meet his eyes when she said, "I know this very well, sir, and I find it hard to explain my actions to someone who wasn't there, but I will say this… It is impossible to pretend to be a soldier, when one is fighting on the front. I accept full responsibility for my actions."

"Very well," he said, staring at her with dark, piercing eyes, "I hope you know how much you have helped us, Faolan- your words, your actions, what you've learned of the werewolves. We'd all be dead now, Valdemar in ruins, if it weren't for you, and on behalf of the Heralds, on behalf of Valdemar I thank you."

Faolan personally had trouble believing that- she felt she did more helping herself while living with the werewolves than helping Valdemar… but she couldn't explain that to the Prince, so she just said, "Valdemar will never fall, sir. If it wasn't me, it would have been someone else- that's what Heralds are for."

Dante gave her a small smile, shrugged, and said, "Well today it is you. Another time we will discuss what we'll do with you- for now, you're on break. I have never known anyone I thought needed one more."

Then he stood up and left the room, leaving Faolan alone with Rathmir and William. Once Dante was gone, she glanced at them, wondering what was to happen now. Rathmir sighed and leaned back in her chair thoughtfully for a moment before standing up and stretching.

"Are you hungry?" she asked Faolan, and the moment she asked, Faolan realized she was starving.

"Yeah," Fao nodded then added quickly, "It's really good to see you again, Rathmir."

"I feel the same," she said, "When I heard you were returning… it made an old Herald's heart turn a little younger. I never stopped expecting to hear word of your death- but here you are, alive, well, and all in one piece."  
Faolan stared up at her, then said, "Well, alive and in one piece, yes. Well… I suppose that's up for dispute."

Rathmir gave Faolan a hand and pulled her up, then embraced her again, holding her tightly before letting her go, and adding on, "Time will change that, Faolan. Now, let's go get some food in you and then we can spend the rest of the night catching up."

The three of them headed down to the common room. It was entirely empty, but William disappear for a moment then returned a few minutes later with a steaming bowl of soup, a large piece of bread, and a mug of hot tea. These he placed in front of Faolan, then sat down across from her at a table. Rathmir sat beside her.

While Faolan ate, Rathmir told her about the war from Valdemar's standpoint. She told her about watching younger and younger children come in, riding the backs of their Companions, then go off to war in only two or three years, still children. Both Maemi and Kayin had been Chosen and were trainees right now- Faolan's interest perked at that. They were both around her own age, and it would be interesting to talk to them after so long. Rathmir was praying for the war to end before they were sent out to war… The Death Bell tolled almost weekly these days. All the trainees Faolan had known were at the Front now, including Christopher Alaska- and he was a formidable Herald. Rathmir stopped there and said she wasn't going to load Faolan down with Death Lists, that now wasn't the time, so she went on to talk about some of the trainees she was working with right then.

Around then Faolan finished eating, and they went back to Rathmir's rooms and settled themselves down there. Then Faolan began talking. It was hard to start, telling about how she'd first met Skylar, and brought her into his village. She told Rathmir and William about control, and the problems she had with it. She told them about Skylar, Taryn, and Roscoe. She told them about archery, and being sent to the front, where she then told them about the Commander, and learning to be a Scout again- about being a Scout again on the other side of the war. Then she told them about Dashiell, and how she'd slipped. She told them about having her mind ploughed through like a book, then being sent out as a soldier. She told them about the night she killed a Herald, and told them about the feelings that drove her to wish she was no longer a Herald. Then she told them she'd gained true control, but killed a werewolf in the process and so had to leave. She did not tell them about Raleigh, or how she gained true control, because at that point she felt that if she were even to approach thinking about Raleigh, she just start crying and wouldn't be able to stop. Not that she wasn't already crying- going through the past eight years was hard enough just by itself.

Rathmir was quiet through the entire thing, and when Faolan was finished she moved over and held Faolan tightly for a long time. Faolan's eyes were heavy, and she knew it had to be very late in the night- maybe even nearing the morning. She peered outside the window, and sure enough, there was a faint glow on the eastern horizon. William stood up and stretched, then move over to peer outside for a moment before pacing around the room thoughtfully.

"Quite an adventure," he said softy, then glanced over at Faolan and said, "I expect you're ready to settle down a be a normal Herald… You've had enough adventure for several lifetimes."

"I hope so," Faolan said with a short laugh, and a shrug, from her position in Rathmir's arms, "Between Carry Rolf and I… I've had enough of war."

"Faolan…" Rathmir said, and Faolan looked at the woman. Her expression was cautious, and unsure, opposed to before, and Faolan wondered what was up.

"Faolan," she said, "I'm curious, but afraid to ask this… don't you want to know about Raleigh?"

Faolan felt her insides turn to ice and she said softly, "I already know… I… I kind of found his soul while out there. He was lost there, near where he… where Carry died. The night I gained true control… it was because I felt him go- watched him go, in fact. So… I know he's dead, Rathmir."

And then the tears were coursing down her cheeks again, uncontrollably, and the pain inside her was so great she almost felt like throwing up, and Rathmir's arms squeezing around her tightly just made her cry even harder. Rathmir pulled her close and ran her fingers through Faolan's hair comfortingly before interrupting Faolan.

"Faolan…" Rathmir said, and her voice held an odd edge to it as she pulled Faolan to look into her teary gaze, "Raleigh isn't dead. He woke up a week ago."

Faolan's tears stopped so abruptly she hiccupped, then choked, and fell into a coughing fit. When she finally regained her voice she looked between Rathmir and William and said quietly, her voice cracking with the emotion that was flooding her system, "Really?"

"Yes," Rathmir said, but then pulled Faolan back down to a seat as she started to jump up, "But Faolan- wait. You need to think before you rush off to see him. _He does not know you_."

For a moment Faolan was confused, thinking, _Yes he does… I've been talking with him for years…_ But then she realized that upon waking, it was possible Raleigh didn't remember- and he'd never realized that the person visiting him in his dreams wasn't Carry Rolf. She felt a cold shiver go through her and had the sudden horrible feeling that Raleigh, upon not knowing her, wouldn't love her anymore.

"He'll love you," Rathmir said, seeing the expression on Faolan's face, "No worries about that. But you can't just rush in there. Faolan… he just learned Carry Rolf died a few days ago- she was the first thing he was asking for when he woke. He was very adamant that Carry should be there. I told him- I was the only one who knew, actually but… He's still dealing with having been in a coma for fifteen years. That's a lot to deal with. He's very weak and… he doesn't know about you. So you need to take it easy with him. He may remember seeing you when his soul was wandering, but… I don't think he does. So just… be careful."

"Okay," Faolan said, only partly listening. Her heart was throbbing with the words _Raleigh isn't dead_. A euphoric joy was dancing through her limbs- she felt like everything was okay, everything was fine, the war was fine, the werewolves were fine, everything was good because Raleigh wasn't dead! He was awake!

"I need to see him," Faolan said softly, her voice intense, and once more she glanced back between Rathmir and William.

"All right," Rathmir nodded, then glanced out the window, "I suppose it's not too early. The Healer's Collegium should already be bustling by now. In fact, the Herald's Collegium should be waking up soon as well. Are you sure you don't want to get some sleep first, Faolan?"

Fao shook her head fiercely- the idea of sleep was as pleasing to her as the idea of stabbing her own eyes out. Rathmir seemed to understand this- of course, she knew what being lifebonded was like. Faolan wondered briefly how she and William had died, in their past lives, to create that lifebond, but her thoughts quickly moved back to Raleigh, and she thought of him as she had last seen him here- lifeless and deadlike, laying in that bed with his chest slowly rising and falling…

"I'll show her," William said, moving from his standing position, "You get some rest, Rathmir."

She nodded, then yawned and stood up, going over to William to give him a kiss before sitting down on their bed and pulling off her shoes.

Faolan stood up then as well, and looked at William. He nodded, and pulled open the door, shutting it behind Faolan as soon as they were out into the hallway. It was still dark, but a faint light was coming from somewhere, and Faolan knew the new day was about to start. As they walked quickly through the halls, Faolan saw a few trainees scurrying to do their before breakfast chores. Outside the birds that were still there despite the coming winter, were chirping voraciously. It was chilly, and their breath steamed out in front of them.

Faolan's heart was pounding like mad as they entered the House of Healing. William just waved at the green uniformed Healers, and they let him go through as he would. A few looked curiously at Faolan- she was still wearing her dirty traveling clothes and clearly hadn't taken a good bath in a while. It was only then that Faolan felt conspicuous- the werewolves weren't the cleanest of people, and while outside Faolan had just felt… like the outside.

William stopped in front of a closed door and turned to Faolan and said, "He's in there. Good luck."

"Thank you," Faolan whispered and turned to stare at the door. Her hand shaking, she slowly reached up and touched the doorknob, suddenly set with the terrible inability to turn that knob.

She took a deep breath, letting it go through her body and relax her shaking nerves, then turned the doorknob and slowly pushed the door open. It was still dark in the room, but light starting to come in through a window that overlooked the Companion's Field. Laying in the single bed was a sleeping form- though for a moment Faolan thought he'd fallen back into his coma. But then he stirred and twitched, and Faolan knew with a rising happiness that he really was awake. What she'd thought had sent him on to the next life had really brought him back into this one.

She stood in the doorway for a long time, staring at his dark sleeping form, barely able to breath or think. But then she stepped in, and closed the door behind her, then moved over to stand above him. He looked much as he had before, thin and weak with short cropped hair, but there was, she could tell in the slight light coming in, a flush to his skin that hadn't been there before. There was something very vibrant and alive about his sleeping, unlike the vegetable like thing he'd been while in a coma.

"Raleigh," Faolan whispered, staring down at him, not knowing if she wished him still asleep or wished him awake.

Then, as if something had passed over him, he heaved a sigh and his eyes fluttered open, soft and brown and sleepy. The quickly landed on Faolan and with a smile and a yawn he asked softly, still half asleep, his voice a hoarse whisper, "Carry?"

**A/N: And now for the thanks!  
GinaStar- Well technically Faolan IS a mindhealer- she has Empathy too... And Talia isn't for another few hundred years I think... This story is set in the ambiguous times after Lavan and before Talia.  
ginalee- Now you know what's facing her! To some extent, anyway... I'm glad it leaves you wanting more!  
LightningStorms- It's agravating to write like that too- then again I DO write ahead but... yeah. XD. Lol- I guess you could call some of the people in this storm bad people...  
M3m0rii- Rolan IS here, but he's grove born so no Talia... yet. This is set in ambiguous unstoried times. And yay, I've been faved! ;) The-Elven-Bookworm- Yeah, I've been reading some Mercedes Lackey too- but its her essays on Harry Potter so not Valdemar related... but whatever. As for lifebonds, I tried to stick with what she had given... just add some more to it. Then again, I haven't read the Herald Mage trilogy in a while soo... yeah. XD. I've been considering de-Lackeyizing this for a while actually... I have a whole magic system worked out already involving long years of training at a Wizard school, where Raul is a familiar, but not all Wizards have familiars nor do familiars choose the potential wizards, so Raul would be Rathmir's familiar. And Rathmir would still be a student because you don't become a full Wizard until like thirty years of training. XD.  
Beththeartist- Wow- I'm impressed. I like reading stories all at once, but I've never pulled an all-nighter. Thank you for your review!  
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	61. The Woken Dead

**A/N: Yay no more school for me!!!!!**

"Carry?" Raleigh asked in a hoarse whisper, staring up at Faolan. Then he blinked, and stretched, closing his eyes again.

But then they jerked open suddenly and went back to Fao and he said, his voice sounding confused and unsure, "Carry…? What- who are you?"

Faolan stared down at him, finding herself at a loss for words, then said, "Well… Raleigh… I guess I am Carry Rolf."

His eyes filled with tears and he pulled himself slowly into a sitting position, and Faolan saw how his arms shook with even that effort. He was wearing an a white long sleeved shirt- old and soft and worn. Then he looked out the window, blinked rapidly and said, "Carry Rolf is dead. A Herald told me…"

Faolan stared at him for a long time, feeling overwhelmed with love for him and sadness that they did not know each other- sadness that she had died, that their old relationship was gone. She just stared down at him, and he stared out the window, everyone once and a while glancing at her uneasily.

"Raleigh," Faolan finally said, "It's a really long, really, _really_ long story but… My name is Faolan. And Carry Rolf did die. I'm her reincarnate."

Raleigh looked at her sharply, staring at her suspiciously, opened his mouth, closed it again, then stared at her some more and finally said softly, "That isn't funny."

"I've never been more serious in my entire life," Faolan answered, wondering how to make him believe- she supposed he would have to realize it on his own though.

"You…" he said a moment later, then looked away- but not before Faolan saw the tears sliding down his cheeks. She heard a low sound, and realized it was a choked sob- and she wanted to go to him, hold him tight- but he was crying for her.

"I'm here," she whispered, "Raleigh.. it's me…"

"No!" he said suddenly, turning to look at her again with a shake of his head, "You aren't Carry.. you… you aren't Carry."

"Yes, I am," Faolan cried out, "I know it's hard but..."

Raleigh stared at her know, his eyes red, and Faolan felt the mix of emotion in him- the anger that she could just come in here and claim to be Carry, when she so clearly was _not_. But she could also feel that deep inside him, he knew it was here, knew it the moment she entered the room- his words proved that, and knew that he wanted to accept it more than anything, because more than anything else he wanted Carry Rolf. But it'd take time to bring that out.

So she stared back at him, not challenging, not angry, just… waiting. And finally he leaned back against his pillows, breathing heavily, then said, "I… I… Well I suppose you look the right age for it."

Faolan grinned and she had a feeling the tension was broken as they sat and stood there, smirking at each other. Faolan had always felt older than her age, felt like Carry Rolf, a grown woman, in a child's form, but not until today had she felt young. Today she felt like she really was fourteen, and was trying to convince this grown man that she was his love. It seemed almost ridiculous. She remembered when she was five, truly a child, sitting by Raleigh in a different room and holding his hand while he slept, and she gave a short laugh, the looked around the room with a shrug that wasn't really aimed at anything.

"How are you?" Faolan asked a little later, "Do you need anything… food… blankets… pillows?"  
"No…" he shook his head, glancing at her incredulously and still suspiciously, then said, "They keep me under fairly tight watch. I'm surprised no one has come in here yet this morning. They won't stop telling me it's a miracle that I'm awake. But it's not like I did anything about it… I don't remember anything from these past fifteen years… The only way I know they're not lying to me is they handed me a mirror two days ago. The last thing I remember…"  
He trailed off and Faolan saw a familiar haunted look in his eyes. It was the one that was in his eyes every time she met him in her dreams and she prompted softly, "The wolves?"

An involuntary shudder ran through him and he nodded then whispered, "They tell me everyone knows now- that they're werewolves… but it still haunts me."

"Raleigh?" Faolan asked, stepping closer to his bed so her knees were practically brushing his blankets.

"Yes… Faolan?" he answered, gazing up at her and Faolan couldn't repress a smile at the sound of her name from his lips, at the look in his eyes that told her he still loved her, even if he wasn't sure about her new identity.

"Uh…" she said, then she leaned forward and kissed him, just briefly, a bit like the way she had before he woke up, before straightening up with a blush.

"Oh," he said slowly after a moment, and she saw his eyes were glistening once more with tears, then he glanced over at her and inquired, "So… reincarnation?"

"Yeah," she said, then stepped backwards to stand about a foot from his bed, fidgeting uneasily.

"Ah…" Raleigh said, his eyes flitting over her face, her hair, her body, "Uh… who are you? I mean- you say you're Carry Rolf, and despite my rational side, despite my lack of faith in my knowledge of the afterlife, somehow some part of me tells me you're telling the truth- don't know where that bit came from. But, even if you're really her reincarnate, you must have some life here… and… how do you remember me?"

Faolan gave a sort of wince and looked out the window and sun spattered grounds outside- it was already much lighter in the room and she said, "Well… Huh… I'm not sure how to start. I suppose the basic gist of it is that I remember all my past lives. Carry most of all, but the ones before her too."

"Tell me about Carry," Raleigh said, his eyes intense, "For the sake of my rational side… Faolan, right?"

Faolan nodded, "Yeah. Well… in that life I was born sort of a country girl. I liked horses- and managed to get myself"-

"Not that," he shook his head, interrupting her, "You could have found that out and I didn't really know much about Carry's past anyway."

Faolan stared at him for a long moment, then nodded, and started over, "I miss being Carry. That life… it was very unfinished. It ended too soon- we- us, that ended too soon also. I remember when I first joined your scout group- you struck me as a very good Captain. I trusted you. I still trust you. I liked riding horses- that was why I was in scouting, in the first place. A bit ironic, seeing as the time spent scouting in this life has been with those who don't use horses… How terrible- to fall in love during war. I hate this war Raleigh… I remember our first kiss too- it was after you found me in that snowstorm. You had a horse- his name was Charlie. When we got back to camp you kissed me. It was war… but I miss those days."

Raleigh was quiet long after Faolan finished and when she turned her gaze back upon him she saw he was looking away, lost in the past that she spoke of. She heard and saw him sigh, saw his eyes slide back to her, and knew that he believed. So she smiled.

His eyes were sad- they were mourning, but there was a spark of hope in them, and he spoke, his voice a whisper, "How do I know you're Carry?"  
"Well…" Faolan started, then quickly finished, "We're lifebonded."

His eyebrows twitched and then he let out a long sigh and said, "I suppose I knew that somewhere inside me too... Though… why would I be lifebonded to you- and I wasn't to Carry? I've heard tales about those who are lifebonded, and I'm fairly sure she and I fell in love the normal way."  
Faolan grinned, remembering as clearly as he how they'd fallen in love, and her heart felt lighter for it, before she answered, "Raul probably won't like me telling you- it's sort of a Companion secret, but that's sort of how lifebonds are created… My death… As Raul said to me a long time ago- when I first found you again and realized I still loved you just as powerfully as I did when I died- even though I was only around five years old, well, she told me that when two people die young and still madly in love with each other, not yet ready to leave each other- then that's how lifebonds form. Usually people don't come back so quickly I think- so usually we'd both be in new lives and not know about each other until chance set us together again… but yeah."

"Ah," Raleigh said, digesting that with a slight nod; then he frowned and said, "Who's Raul?"

"My Companion," Faolan said with a smile, "I would be wearing Whites but I've kind of… not been around for the past few years."

"You-?" Raleigh looked at a loss for words but, oddly, relieved, "You're a Herald? Aren't they usually… a little older?"

Faolan laughed and shifted around before saying, "Well, yes… but I was Chosen when I was three because that's when my past lives resurfaced… so I was only three in body, really."

"Ah," Raleigh said again, sounding a little overwhelmed by all the information, "I've missed a lot. The war…it's still going then?"  
Faolan nodded, staring at him sadly, "Still strong. Valdemar's a changed land… it's got to end soon, Raleigh, it really has too."

"You…" he sighed, staring at her with that same incredulous expression, "You act so much like Carry but… at the same time not. I'm afraid I'm having trouble comprehending it. However- my heart says otherwise, which I suppose makes things simpler. I never imagined Carry would be Chosen… but that fact that you're a Herald makes everything you say much, much more believable."

"She wouldn't have been- Carry," Faolan answered, stepping a few inches closer, "It's just Faolan that's a Herald…"  
"How is that?" Raleigh asked, gazing at her as he dropped his hand.

"Well…" Faolan looked away from him, then back at him, "I think it was because of why I came back so quickly. I came back- well I don't remember the afterlife, but this is what Raul and I have surmised, I came back because someone needed to tell Valdemar that the enemy was werewolves- that Karse had hired werewolves. And you were in a coma and unlikely to wake up so… it was up to me. And I guess that changed me…"

Raleigh seemed at a loss for words as he stared at her with his soft brown eyes, but then he sighed and leaned down into his pillows more, letting his eyes close briefly before opening them again and saying, "Then you're a Herald. Have you… been fighting?"

"Sort of," Faolan said, wondering how she could tell him that she was a werewolf- when he was still so afraid of them. But she recalled his reaction in her last dream of him, and knew it would all end up okay, "There's something you should know…"

"Yes?" he asked, sounding more tired than before. Well, after not using your body for fifteen years it _would_ be fairly weak.

"The reason I remembered my past lives…" she began, "When I was three… I was bitten by a werewolf, Raleigh. It was only Raul that saved me. She brought me to an unused Waystation and helped me… control the Change. I've been gone for eight years- away from Haven and… I was spying, Raleigh. Among the werewolves. Because I'm one of them."

"Oh," the words fell heavily from his lips and his eyes fluttered over her again, "That… that uh… you can Change whenever you want?"

"Yes," Faolan answered, "But Raleigh, the werewolves aren't evil! They're as human as you, as human as Carry…"

"Yes…" Raleigh said, looking out his window and Faolan felt him sit slighter stiffer than he had before and after a few more moments he said, "Change for me? Now?"

Faolan looked at him sharply and he turned to meet her gaze, so she said, "What?"

"You heard me," he said fiercely- or as fierce as he could manage, "It… it seems important, somehow. Just do it- for me, Faolan."

Faolan felt a rush of happiness of him saying her name, _her_ name and not Carry, as he always called her in the dreams and she never could correct. She looked into Raleigh's eyes, saw he was sincere, and nodded. Standing up she took off her shoes, then, unsure about how'd he'd feel if she took all her clothes off, she started the change with her clothes on, then took the rest off just before her hands turned totally into claws. The Change came over her quickly, easily, more easily than before, and Faolan knew it was because of the powerful emotions racing through her body.

When she stood before him, totally a wolf, large and gray with a hint of red along the ends of her fur, she peered up at him with yellow eyes. His expression was set into one of determination, but Faolan could see his hands shaking. She stepped over to him and pressed her nose against his hand, encouraging him to touch her.

"Faolan?" he whispered, his voice cracking, and she touched him with her empathy again, and saw that he was healing- had been healing, ever since she touched him with her empathy the night he woke up.

Then he moved his hand and touched her head, running his fingers through her fur, and she lifted her front paws up onto the bed and arranged herself sitting beside his bed, her head resting on his thigh and her paws half draping over his legs. He shivered a bit at first, but kept stroking her, staring into her wolf eyes.

"Ah… Faolan," he whispered after a moment, dropping his head back and letting his eyes close, "You… you really are Carry."

Faolan didn't answer- she couldn't anyway, just kept resting beside him, reveling in their closeness. As she watched, Raleigh's breathing slowed down, and his hand stopped moving, just rested on her head, and just before he fell asleep she heard him whisper in a voice that would be inaudible to human ears, "I love you."

**A/N: There's an extra long chapter for all of you! And now the thank you's...  
GinaStar- That's the question- isn't it? Thanks for reviewing!!!  
ginalee- There is definitely more! I have at least six or seven more chapters- probabaly more like ten, before it's completely wrapped up! Still- it's scary... because it IS approaching the end!  
LightningStorms- Let's see... it was about six years I think. Because she joined Skylar's pack at eight, and now she's fourteen... Then again she was wandering around for a while before finding the werewolves- maybe it was seven years. She'll change her name if they get married and it's up to the Companions if Raleigh gets Chosen!  
mugglepirate- Yup. After all the suffering, things are finally perking up in this story! It's fun to write happy chapters again.**

**And one more thing... I keep forgetting to mention. The title to Chapter 59 is a hint. See if you can figure it out! (I'll explain once what it's hinting at comes to pass.) **

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	62. Bound by Love and War

**A/N: Tomorrow I'm graduating! Here is the next chapter, enjoy!**

"You smell," Raleigh said into Faolan's ear- she was lying on his bed, in human form and fully clothed, curled up next to him. Faolan hadn't sleep in over a day, and after Raleigh conked out she couldn't keep her eyes open anymore. Sometime while they slept she had, in wolf form, crawled up all the way on the bed, and when she woke up she simply pulled her clothes on and went right back to where she had been. She didn't think he minded.

"That would because I'm literally right off the front. Not too many chances to bathe there," Faolan answered sleepily, stretching with a yawn and glancing out the window. It looked like late afternoon.

Raleigh chuckled and said, "I don't really mind. I suppose my nose is used to smelling nothing but this place, so any smell stands out."

He picked up a hand and flexed his fingers, staring at it, then sighed and stared up at the ceiling, saying, "I can't believe I've been in a coma for fifteen years. You make it a little easier- living proof that fifteen years has, indeed gone by. How old are you, anyway?"

"Fourteen," Fao answered, peering up at him from where her head rested beside his chest, nestled between his arm and side, "Fifteen next April."

"Half of me says 'well, love knows no bounds,' and the other half says, 'you are way too young to be in love with me- and for me to be in love with you'," Raleigh said and looked down at her, his lips twitching in half a smile.

"Well I'm not fourteen mentally," Faolan said, then winked at him with a mischievous grin.

Raleigh's lips twitched even more and Faolan could tell he was struggling between amusement and embarrassment – but then he leaned backwards, his face falling serious. Faolan watched him for a moment before interpreting his thoughts.

"It doesn't matter," she said, "That it's been so long… don't cry over the past Raleigh, just look at the present. We're together and you're awake and we're both alive…"

"Yeah," Raleigh said softly, his voice slightly hoarse, "But… I can't stop thinking about… Carry- _you_ died… You died. And even though you're here again… you're…" He stopped, floundering for words.

"Not the same person," Faolan finished for him with a sigh, "Yes. But I'm the same person too- and I still love you, into this life."

"Well," he said softly, "I suppose I don't get to have Carry back- but I'm sure as hell lucky to have you now."

"Isn't reincarnation wonderful?" Faolan answered with a grin, and scooted up so her head was resting on Raleigh's shoulder, and their faces were only inches apart.

Raleigh laughed, kissed her, then said, "Nice to see you still have your old sense of humor."

"How long till you'll be up and about?" Faolan asked, grinning at him, "I remember thinking- when I first saw you, that you'd never wake up- because if you were going to wake up then what was the point of my having come back so quickly?"

"The Healers don't know," Raleigh said, a hint of exasperation entering his voice, "They say no one has ever woken up from a coma after being in one for fifteen years. They seem to think _I _can give them some explanation though… as if I knew."

Faolan stared up at him thoughtfully- she had an idea _she_ knew, but Raleigh clearly didn't remember anything from the years his soul spent wandering around on the border, touching Faolan in her dreams. And since he didn't remember she couldn't very well _tell_ him…

There was a knock on the door, then it opened, and a Healer entered, carrying a tray with a steaming bowl of soup on it. He smiled at them and set the tray down and said, "Now Raleigh here needs his dinner, and his rest. Why don't you go take care of yourself and then you may come back later?"

Faolan glanced at Raleigh, then nodded unhappily, and sat up, swinging her legs over the side of the bed before standing up and stretching and saying, "I might just go get dinner and go to bed, actually…"

She looked back at Raleigh for confirmation and he nodded so she said, "All right. I'll come back tomorrow morning- I promise."

He nodded, hesitated, then said, "Thank you for being here, Faolan."

Faolan smiled, and answered, "I love you, Raleigh," before stepping around the curious looking Healer and out the door, where she ran into somewhere dressed all in white. She looked up and saw a face she hadn't seem since last time she was in Haven. It was a tired face- even more worn than it was before. Faolan was vaguely surprised he was still alive in a morbid sort of way.

"Faolan," Jamie Lauren said with a vague frown, peering around her at Raleigh, who was sitting up slowly and talking to the Healer.

"Jamie Lauren," Faolan answered, "It's been a long time."

"Yes…" he said, still sounding vague, staring at her intensely, "Is there a reason you're here…?"

"Um," Faolan said, holding back a wince- he never did figure it out, did he? All he knew was that Faolan was a werewolf… She counted in her head the people who knew about even Carry Rolf- it wasn't very many. Just a few from the Heraldic Circle and Rathmir. Probably William too, come to think of it.

"Why are _you_ here?" she decided to answer, knowing it was weak.

"I was on leave- supposed to leave last week, but then Raleigh woke up- and that was all over the Collegia. I got permission to stay a little longer," he stated, implying, _I have a legitimate reason-what's yours?_

"James?" a voice floated from the room, and both Fao and Jamie reflexively turned towards the sound of Raleigh's voice.

Raleigh was grinning over his bowl of soup as he stared at Faolan and Jamie- and then Fao grinned too, as she realized that the three of them were together once more- as they had been on the front so many years and years ago- only Jamie didn't know it.

"I feel like am I missing something extremely large," Jamie said with a sigh- sounding almost resigned to not knowing.

Raleigh raised an eyebrow and Faolan and she shook her head gently- saying _no, don't tell him_. She might, if it came down to it- a few people already knew about Carry Rolf anyway. She supposed one more couldn't hurt- but with that attitude it'd be all over the Collegium and… Faolan sighed. Rolan wouldn't like it, and with good reason. Reincarnation wasn't exactly fact among the general population.

_:Raul?:_ she asked, rejoicing in the ability to easily reach and communicate to her Companion. She'd been alone on the trivial things for far too long.

_:Yes?:_ the mare asked softly, tenderly and Faolan felt happier.

_:Jamie Lauren…?:_ she inquired, knowing that'd be enough for Raul.

_:Hmm,:_ was Raul's answer, _:I suppose once he hears about your lifebond he won't take vague answers, will he? And he's a Herald, so you'll see him more than if he were just some random person from your past lives… In that aspect as well he won't take a vague answer- nor will he forget about it. Marcella can only interfere so much…:_

:Are you saying we should tell him?: Faolan inquired, glancing at Jamie- he had a distant look on his face that suggested he too was communicating with his Companion.

_:I'm saying you may not have a choice,:_ Raul answered, _:But ask him if he'll go without explanation first.:_

"Would you be okay if I told you that you can't know?" Faolan inquired of Jamie, giving Raleigh a smile before doing so.

He shrugged, "I know what you've told me- that you knew of him and Carry somehow… What I would like to know is how."

"That's kind of what I can't tell you," Faolan said feeling fidgety and she shifted her weight around. The Healer in the room gave them a few dark looks and engaged Raleigh in a little interrogating again.

Jamie Lauren sighed, and ran a hand through hair that was longer than it had been last Faolan saw it, then shrugged again, "I suppose I can live with that…"

Faolan glanced at Raleigh and saw he was totally ignoring the Healer and instead listening in to her conversation. She glared at him- he was grinning. Apparently he had guessed what she knew would make Jamie not able to sit back and accept ignorance.

"Would you be able to live with it if I told you that we're lifebonded?" Faolan asked, tucking a stray strand of hair behind an ear, then suddenly realized that he was the first to know aside from William and Rathmir. With that knowledge came the idea that she'd have a lot of fun telling everyone else.

"Are you lifebonded?" Jamie asked, looking between Raleigh and Faolan.

"Yes," she answered, "That's actually the reason I was visiting him when I was a trainee."

"That wasn't because you knew of him?" he asked, then added sharply and quietly, "Who told you about Carry Rolf?"

Apparently he was forming an incorrect chain of events in his head- that she was lifebonded to him and then managed to find someone to ask about his past and discovered Carry Rolf and him- then asked him about Carry Rolf. There were large holes in that story- gaping ones, in fact. Faolan wondered if Jamie could see them. She wondered if she'd manage to not tell him that she _was_ Carry after all.

"Come in Jamie," Raleigh called out, then made a motion with his head for Faolan to leave. She gave him a last smile then walked down the hall gratefully- wondering if Raleigh would tell him or not. Anything Raleigh could explain would probably just make him more confused though.

Faolan decided to stop thinking about it, and headed back to the Heraldic Collegium. It was cool outside, and the sun was hovering near the horizon, about to set. Faolan suspected dinner would be in full throttle, and decided to bathe first and go when less people were there. She wasn't sure she could handle all the Heralds at the moment.

The baths were deserted, so Faolan got to soak in solitude. When she was clean she pulled on a fresh pair of Whites that didn't quite fit her properly. It felt strange to be wearing such target like clothing. So shiny. But it was a Herald's clothing, so she shrugged a couple times then headed down to the Common Room.

By the time she got there, there weren't too many other Heralds and Herald Trainees- but a few still were scattered around the tables. Faolan wondered how many Heralds there were- total, these days. Certainly there were a lot of gray uniformed sitting around- more than white. It was strange to be back at Haven, out of the war, with other Heralds again.

Faolan slipped in discreetly and got a plate and, after looking around and seeing no one she recognized, sat down. Apparently no one recognized her either, because no one approached. Were all her old friends gone to war? Would they recognize her if they hadn't? It gave Fao shivers to think about how _long_ she'd been gone...

She ate in silence, wondering where Rathmir was and wondering how'd she manage to sleep tonight knowing Raleigh was near, and she wasn't beside him. Sitting there, as low chatter filled the room around her, Faolan felt more lonely than she ever had at the Front. The food was good- better than she'd had in a very long time, but Faolan didn't enjoy it that much.

After dinner she meandered slowly up the halls and stopped in front of the door labeled Rathmir and William Sommer, and thought about her own room- the one she hadn't been to in years. She supposed the years were gone when she'd sleep in the Sommer's rooms. Pausing for a moment in the empty hallway she stared at that door, feeling a mix of happiness and sadness at being back, being taller in a place she still remembered very vividly. With another sigh she gave a short knock on the door.

An unfamiliar face opened it. It was a girl, wearing trainee grays, and Faolan knew immediately this had to be Kayin- Rathmir and William's daughter. She had long blond hair tied back in a ponytail and had the figure and face of her mother- but her eyes were blue. She stared at Faolan for a moment, then stepped back for her to enter with the shy smile of two people that haven't seen each other since they were very small- but still remember and like each other.

"Hi," she said softly as Faolan entered, "Uh.. Faolan."

"Yeah," Faolan nodded, feeling suddenly as shy as Kayin looked, "For some reason I remember you being younger than me… but you're sixteen now right?"

"Yeah," Kayin nodded, "Papa is bathing now- but Mama is in if you want to talk to her."

"Um…" Faolan shrugged, "She isn't busy, is she?"

Kayin shook her head with a smile, "Just reading a book. So you've been spying all this time? Since you left?"

Faolan glanced at her as she quickly added on the last two phrases, saw the curiosity in Kayin's eyes, and nodded. Strange- Kayin was two years older than her, but here was Faolan who'd already been through so much in just fourteen years.

"That is amazing," Kayin added on as Faolan just stood there, wondering what to do, "I can't believe they let you go there when you were so young… You were six, right?"

"Yes," Faolan nodded, and thought, _What DID the Queen give as her reasons for letting a six year old go spy? I mean she obviously couldn't tell everyone about my past life knowledge… _Her eyebrows twitched as she thought of this, but then she looked up as she heard footsteps from the other room, and Rathmir entered.

"Interrogating Faolan, are you?" Rathmir asked of her daughter with a smile, and Faolan watched them, feeling odd- Rathmir had always been somewhat of a mother figure to her, so watching her with her real daughters was always… odd. Faolan felt half like an intruder, and half one of them. It had been okay when she was young because Maemi and Kayin didn't really think in terms of family like that but now… Faolan felt odd coming back and… She sighed.

"No- we were just talking," Kayin answered, glancing at Faolan, who smiled.

"I don't mind," Fao said quickly, "Talking about spying, I mean. It's all right if she asks me questions."

Rathmir's gaze pierced Faolan as if she could read her mind for a moment before she nodded and said, "All right. How was Raleigh?"

Faolan grinned and said, "He's awake. I fell asleep there- not surprising considered I stayed up the entire night. A Healer finally kicked me out."

"I see you found some Whites," Rathmir added, looking at Faolan's outfit.

"Yes," Faolan answered, "I just wanted to stop in before going back to my rooms. I intend to sleep for another twelve hours at least."

"Not a bad idea," Rathmir said, "I imagine it's never easy to sleep on a war front."

"You're lucky you're a teacher," Faolan answered to that, "And never have to do it."

Rathmir shrugged, then said, "I'm a Herald, with all the training of one- if the Queen needs me on the front, I will go. But until then, I will enjoy my safety- and pray that those who do not sleep safe come home in one piece."

At those words, she reached over to a quiet Kayin and hugged her, then added, "And hope that the war ends before the Queen needs my own."

Faolan felt a sharp pang in her chest, and, not entirely sure what it was about, shoved it away and looked at her feet, feeling uncomfortable. She fidgeted a moment, then said, "Well… I guess I'll be going then."

"No"- Rathmir said, "Stay a while. Come in, sit down. We can all talk."

Faolan nodded and followed the woman into a sort of living room that looked like it also doubled as a dining room when they didn't want to eat in the Common Room with the rest of the Heralds. Faolan figured that was probably more for _before_ the two children had been Chosen. Rathmir sat down in a chair near a fire that was burning lowly- the coals orange and glowing. Fao sat down near her, and Kayin sat on her other side. The three of them were silent for a while, gazing into the fire, and Faolan started feeling uncomfortable again.

"What was it like?" Kayin asked suddenly, looking over at Faolan with the same blue eyes as her father, "Being with the werewolves? For eight years?"

_I was with them longer than with the Heralds_, Faolan suddenly realized, and her stomach tightened, and she answered slowly, avoiding looking at either Kayin or Rathmir, "Well… in a lot of ways it was extremely stressful… But… in a lot of ways it was really wonderful, Kayin."

"Wonderful?" she echoed sounding dubious. Faolan leaned back in her chair, feeling her centuries of memories and age, feeling Carry Rolf- Kayin was so _young_. That was how Fao should have been, if her life hadn't decided to take that crazy turn of events that led her here.

"They're werewolves…" Faolan sighed, feeling a sudden lump in her throat as she thought of Taryn and Skylar, "And I'm a werewolf. They taught me more about myself than I could have ever learned on my own… This war is not a good one, Kayin. It's terrible. If I could only find a way to end it…"

She took a deep breath, and let the emotion drift out of her with the breath, instead of boiling out, and felt like turning into a wolf- that always made emotions easier to deal with, even though it also amplified them. She'd done her crying already- last night when she'd told Rathmir everything. It was time to move on.

Kayin seemed to sense the deepness of Faolan's emotion and stopped asking questions. The three of them sat silently for a while longer- but the silence was no longer uncomfortable, and Faolan felt her self starting to doze off, so she stood up and said goodbye to Rathmir and Kayin to go back to her own room, a mild feeling of unsettlement running through her body as she sank into sleep.

**A/N: For being an extra long chapter, this one sure seems short! Thanks for reading this chapter, and extra thanks to those who reviewed the last chapter! Oh- and one question for those who are reviewing this chapter- so the Death Bell is in the old grove temple and rings whenever a Herald dies- that's written like everywhere. But isn't there a place where all the Herald's names are written down after they die? Like near the Death Bell? I can't find it written about on the Queen's Own or the Valdemar Companion, but I seem to remember it from the Arrow books or the Vanyel books... Anyone have an answer for me?  
Stormy Phoenix- Yeah, I think I might stretch it out a bit more when I de-Lackeyize it. If I ever get around to doing that. First I need to finish this version!  
GinaStar- Well the endings still quite a few chapters away, and I'm not giving any more hints.  
ginalee- Yeah, Faolan deserves some happiness after all that unhappiness. It's nice to write chapters where people aren't dying.  
LightningStorms- So you think the chapter means that either Raleigh or Faolan will have to die for the other? Well, luckily you are wrong. Then again, if you were right I wouldn't tell you so maybe I should tell you if you're wrong either...  
Book Wyrm- Thank you! I try and write as much as possible- that seems to be what all great authors recommend. It certainly gets easier to write the more I write. I'm glad other people can enjoy reading what I enjoy creating!  
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	63. The Second

Faolan woke up very suddenly the next morning, her entire body leaping into full alertness. For a while she lay on her bed, feeling warm and sweaty under her covers, her eyes closed, just breathing, and telling herself she was no longer on the front, that she could wake up slowly, and everything was okay. She was also keenly aware of the fact that tonight would be the full moon, and she would have to spend the night in wolf form, with the moon's power coursing through her. She hoped the Companion's didn't mind if she went for a midnight romp.

After a few minutes she got up and put on some Whites, then went out into quiet halls- it was still a little early for the trainees to be getting up. She went to the Common Room and got some breakfast- she hardly tasted it, her mind going to Raleigh. She wanted to see him again, know that he was really awake, really there, really loved her. It was hard, being back with the Heralds- and Raleigh… he wasn't a Herald. He didn't judge her for what she had done. Faolan wished Christopher Alaska was there- he was also someone she could talk to, but he was on the front, warring. The Dreamer, the werewolves called him. The one who makes dreams come true. Nightmares come true. She shivered, and shoveled down the rest of her food quickly before heading outside into the cool morning to cut across the lawns and paths to the House of Healing, where Raleigh was.

When she slipped into his room, she was surprised to find him already awake. He was sitting up in his bed, leaning back on some pillows and gazing out the window at the Companion's Field and some gardens. It was a nice view. When she entered, he looked over at her, and a smile crossed his face, and shy, sheepish sort of smile, and Faolan felt a little thrill that that smile was for _her_, because of _her_.

"Hi," she sat, pulling the door closed behind her and stopping.

"You're wearing Whites," he said, "So you really are a Herald."

"Did you ever doubt it?" Faolan asked him with a smile, teasing, "Should I introduce you to my Companion as well?"

"I would love to meet your Companion," Raleigh said seriously, "When I am well enough to walk down to the Companion's Field. I'm going for a walk today actually- the Healers are quite insistent on getting me out of bed as quickly as possible."

"What are you going to do?" Faolan asked, a thought occurring to her as she walked in, dragged a chair from the side right up to his bed, and sat down in it, "When you get out of here?"

"Well… I'm not going back to war, if that's what you're wondering," Raleigh said with a half smile, "I'm out of training and frankly- nothing could make me go back to fighting again. As a soldier for Valdemar, the Crown owes me to some extent- they're willing to give me some money until I can get back on my feet, provide me with lodging in the Barracks if need be… But.. after that… I'm not sure. Before I became a Scout for Valdemar I was a hunter- did I ever tell you that?"

Faolan shook her head, "No… you didn't. Are you going to be a hunter again?"

"I'm not sure I have any other options- I don't really know any other trades and I'm not sure I'd want to live in a city either way," Raleigh said slowly, "But as you're a Herald…"

Faolan eyes looked back and forth between his, feeling a clenching at her heart at the idea that they wouldn't always get to be together, then she took his hand, squeezed it, and said, "I suppose it's too early to make plans… I mean I don't know what the Heralds are going to do with me. I don't think they'll be sending me back to the front, and I'm not really a teacher, so I'll probably be going on Circuit… so I suppose living in Haven wouldn't necessarily be practical for you anyway but… We can figure that out later."

"Yes," Raleigh said with a sigh, dropping his head backwards against the wall behind his bed for a moment, "I suppose we can."

He paused, then picked his head up again and looked at Faolan and said, in a slightly different tone of voice, "Faolan… Speaking of… what we're going to do… I was going to ask you once the war was over anyway- when you were Carry but… Well… do you want to get married? Not right away- maybe once the war is over and if you want to wait until you're older…"

Faolan stared at him, feeling a crazy happiness jumping through and she said, "Any time, Raleigh. Anywhere. Yes, I want to marry you."

Of all the things Faolan had thought about while thinking about Raleigh- marriage had never been on of those things. She had considered it as Carry but… never as Faolan. He had intended to ask her as Carry? That made Faolan grin- and she wished wistfully that she was still Carry, still alive- the life she and Raleigh could have had together… But there was no use in brooding over the past.

"You do?" Raleigh asked with an answering grin, "I mean, I know we're lifebonded and all… which I'm still having trouble understanding but I just thought… anyway. Doesn't matter. I can't believe- I'd never believe that one day I'd wake up and find myself madly in love with a young woman whom I'd just met."

"But we haven't just met," Faolan said with a smile, "We've known each other longer than I've been alive."

"We have, haven't we?" Raleigh asked, and squeezed her hand, then let his eyes drift over her face with a smile and a slightly amused-incredulous expression.

"How much have you been up and around?" Faolan asked a moment later, looking at his thin arms and body- vegetating for fifteen years was definitely not good for the body.

"A little," Raleigh answered, "Just a few steps around the room. It wipes me out. I feel like a baby. But even just being awake is building strength. I feel stronger every day."

Faolan stared at him, feeling sad and happy at the same time- then she remembered that he'd just proposed to her and she grinned and leaned forward to kiss him. It was a stronger, more passionate kiss than the first one they'd shared, and she wrapped her arms around his shoulders as their lips pressed together, sending warm tingles through her body.

When she pulled back and sat down on the edge of his bed, Raleigh was grinning, and he said, "And suddenly I feel ten times better."

"Should I do it again?" Faolan teased, feeling sort of giddy, then asked, falling serious, "Raleigh… am I too young for you? I mean, you said we could wait to marry until I was older… you don't see me as just some young teenager?"

Raleigh gazed at her silently, and Faolan could tell her was pulling his thoughts together before he finally said, "Well Faolan- Faolan is a beautiful name, by the way, I still feel like I should be just twenty or so- even though I'm thirty-five apparently. So in some ways you don't seem that young and well… I certainly find you attractive… but I do sometimes look at you and see a fourteen year old girl. However my soul tells me I love you, my soul tells me you are Carry- albeit a changed Carry in a new life. My comment about waiting to marry… that was really more in reference to _your_ thoughts on _me_. From my experience most young people your age don't look to old geezer's like me with their romantic notions."

Faolan heard the hint of a question in his last statement and wondered what it was about. She answered, "All right," and stared at him thoughtfully, going over what he had said before adding, "Being thirty-five has not made you any less handsome. I also happen to know that there are quite a few young people my age that prefer their men nicely aged… So basically if you wished to marry me tomorrow, I'd consent to it. I'm only young in body- and perhaps in hormones and emotional states. I'm older than I'd be even if I was still Carry because there are more lives than hers crowding around in my poor head. I remember the founding of Valdemar, Raleigh."

"Do you really?" he looked fascinated, forgetting her previous statements, "Funny… to think Carry too had past lives. To think that I've had past lives…"

"Believe me I know the feeling," Faolan answered with a smile, "I've been dealing with that ever since I was bitten and they all surfaced up."

Raleigh's expression twitched as she mentioned being bitten, but it was gone as soon as it came and he said, "I told Jamie Lauren. I don't know if that's against your Herald or Companion secrets or what have you, but he seemed to need to know. I mean- that you're Carry- or used to be, and that's why we're lifebonded. He seemed to take it pretty lightly- said it made a lot of things make a lot more sense suddenly. I take the fact that none of your Companions have bounded in here and smashed me to a pulp as a good thing."

"I talked to Raul about it," Fao told him, "She said we probably didn't really have a choice."

"I'll get you a ring," Raleigh said suddenly, looking over at Faolan intently, "As soon as I'm strong enough to go into Haven. So we can be properly engaged."

Faolan grinned at him and nodded, tucking a strand of hair behind an ear as she said, "All right. All right."

She sat with Raleigh for a while longer, their conversation moving to lighter topics, skimming over things that touched on the war, until Faolan realized her stomach was crying out for nutrition, the Healers kept peering in agitatedly, and Raleigh was starting to fall asleep. So she said farewell to Raleigh and left, feeling sort of aimless and not sure what to do. So she meandered over to the Companion's Field and leaned against the fence, staring at all the white coated creatures and trying not to feel out of place. She _felt_ like she should be tense, on the watch, at war… Haven was no place for a soldier. She sighed, and then saw a particular white shape coming towards her- Raul.

_:Hello, Chosen,: _the mare said as she approached with a soft snort, _:I see your shadowed eyes and sense and shadowed self within.:_

"If you wanted to put it like that," Faolan answered, unable to stop herself from smiling- in her aimlessness the idea of visiting Raul had not occurred to her, so long had she been unable to do so on a regular basis.

_:Come into the Stable and give me a good brushing and we can talk,: _Raul said, motioning her nose at the large building nearby.

Faolan nodded and ducked under the fence to walk beside Raul over to the Stable. She rested a hand on the mare's soft neck as she did so, and felt the soft silky hair of all Companions. The Stable inside was warm and nice and Faolan quickly found some brushes as Raul picked an empty stall.

"This is so unreal," Faolan said, "To be brushing you here… after so long apart."

_:I relish every moment I can spend with you and not worry about compromising your position,:_ Raul said, sighing and leaning into the circular motion of the curry comb across her sides, _:I envy those who spy with people who use horses.:_

Faolan chuckled at this and said, "Yes… It is nice to be back with you…"

_:But you miss the werewolves- you miss that life,:_ Raul prompted, giving Faolan a knowing blue stare.

"Yes," she admitted, "I do miss them… It's really where I grew up, where I've lived… where I discovered who I really was. It's wonderful, beyond imagination to be with Raleigh as he's awake but… I don't feel like I belong here."

_:What if I told you I have something to tell you that might make you feel as if you belong?:_ Raul asked, the tone of her mindvoice changing slightly, and Faolan stopped brushing to stare at the mare suspiciously.

"What?" she asked, her blue eyes staring into the blue eyes of the Companion.

_:You are no longer the only werewolf Herald,: _Raul said softly, flicking her ears back, then forth before adding, _:And he needs your help.:_

"What?!" Faolan nearly jumped out of her skin. Her hands tightened and she discarded the curry comb, "Why didn't you tell me before?"

_:You weren't ready to hear it,:_ Raul answered, _:You needed a few days to settle in- get back with Raleigh.:_

"But… but," Faolan sputtered, unable to stop herself from seeing that logic and feeling more frustrated because of it, "But!"

_:It's an isolated case- the werewolves don't usually bite then not kill, and… basically it's never happened to a Herald before on the front. They brought him back here, but he's struggling with the Change. I've spoken to his Companion, but the things that helped you gain the semi-control you had before going to the actual werewolves isn't working on him,: _Raul explained to Faolan, _:He's also struggling a lot more with the fact of becoming the creatures he's been trained to think as enemy.:_

"But we're not the enemy!" Faolan cried out before realizing how what she'd said sounded, and she shrugged before saying, "How long ago was he bitten?"

_:Five months,:_ Raul answered, _:Five changes. They have to lock him up on the full moon.:_

"Tonight's the full moon!" Faolan exclaimed, alarmed.

_:Which is why you're being told today. We're hoping you can help him,: _Raul said softly and turned to touch Faolan's shoulder gently with her nose.

"I can try…" Faolan said, "But even if I couldn't help him I'd still want to see him!"

_:I know, love,:_ Raul answered, _:And you can meet him now, if you like.:_

"Where is he?" Faolan asked quickly.

_:Out in the Field. I'll tell Genevieve you wish to speak to him- that's his Companion,: _Raul said, _:Go- she'll find you and bring you to him. Be careful Faolan.:_

"I will," Faolan answered, "Always."

**A/N: Wow, another long chapter that seems short. What'd ya think? Thanks extremely to...  
GinaStar- Thanks! For some reason I seem to remember it being inscribed in stone somewhere, but I'll see if I can dig up mention of it in reference to archives and stuff.  
ginalee- That's exactly what Faolan's been wondering. However, as this chapter reveals, even the end of the war may not end up with her and Raleigh being together all the time. :( But I'm not telling what happens:)  
LightningStorms- Thanks! I'll check those books too... Gah research. So tedious.  
Takarameri- Yah I'm a college freshman now! Woot! Hope you enjoyed this chapter!**


	64. Morgan Derry

Faolan found the Herald she was looking for sitting under a pine tree in a small grove near the center of the Companion's Field. Fao's first impression was that he looked fresh off the battlefield- not five months off. He was skinny and tired looking, with dark circles under his eyes. His Whites hung loosely on his body, and his hair was flat in a way that spoke of illness- as if it normally was springy and fresh. He was a tall person, with black hair cut a to a few inches. A hint of a beard covered his face. He sat partly hunched, with his arms laying at his sides. One leg was stretched out and the other was bent up. His chest rose and fell slowly, and though his eyes were open Faolan had the feeling he was either deep in conversation with his Companion, or day dreaming. His name was Morgan Derry.

As Faolan approached he came out of his daze, and looked over at Faolan. By his lack of surprise in expression, Fao suspected his Companion had explained who she was. He stared at her for a while and Faolan just stood there, standing a few feet away and waiting for him to speak first. Her wait was rewarded.

"So you're Faolan," he sighed heavily and looked away from her, "The Wolfsbane- or so they've been calling you. You look well."

"You don't," Faolan answered, judging correctly where the last comment had come from, her voice soft as she moved a little closer. Her nose twitched- from this distance she could smell his unhealthiness.

"Yeah well," he laughed harshly, and it turned into a cough. When his lungs were clear he pulled himself up to sit a little straighter, and looked at Faolan again, "I suppose Genevieve has explained everything to your Companion."

"Raul tells me you were bitten five months ago," Faolan said, and kneeled down, letting her hand pick at the pine needles curiously.

"Seems like longer," he said, then looked at her curiously and said, "So… werewolves. You're one. The enemy is one. I'm one."

"No," Faolan shook her head, "I am a werewolf. Those whom you fight are werewolves. But _you_ are not a werewolf. Not yet anyway."

Morgan Derry frowned at her then said, sounding sour, "And what is that supposed to mean?"

"It means you are a person who unwillingly dons the form of a wolf on the full moon," Faolan answered, "Not a werewolf."

"Wouldn't that be the technical definition?" Morgan inquired, and tried to straighten himself even more.

"To some," Faolan answered, "But not to me. Not to the people you've been fighting."

Morgan frowned at her some more, peering at her from dark eyes, then he said, "You think you're one of them. Huh. No wonder they pulled you out."

Faolan refrained herself from glaring at him, then said, "I left because I did something that was unforgivable- something that werewolves fight to prevent. I left of my own choice."

Morgan stared at her some more, then grunted and shrugged, and pulled himself up, using the tree for support. Faolan copied him, and straightened up herself. She'd known he was tall- just by looking at his leg and torso length while sitting, but his height was truly impressive when he stood. He must have been almost a foot and a half taller than Faolan.

"So," he said softly, staring down at her, "So you're supposed to help me with the change."

Faolan wasn't sure if his statement was a question or not, but she took it as one, and answered, "Yes. I'm not sure if I'll be able to completely, but I will help you. We have about seven hours until moonrise- but I'm sure you can feel that."

Morgan impulsively wrapped his arms around himself and glanced upwards, at the sky, then back to Faolan, and said lowly, "How do you change?"

"Easily," she grinned, and held out a hand, showing him the fur that was sprouting out over it and her grin broadened as she felt a rush of excitement for the upcoming full moon, at the wolf within in her striving to be free under the pull of the moon, and run beneath the stars.

Morgan jerked back reflexively at this, and so Faolan reversed it and put her hand back to normal and her expression back to seriousness- as Morgan was looking rather alarmed and suspicious. He put on a grouchy expression and looked away from her.

"Don't worry," she said, "I had trouble for the first several years of being a werewolf too. In fact, it wasn't until a few weeks ago that I gained what the werewolves call 'true control' over my Change."

"True control?" one of his eyebrow's twitched in a partial raise. He still sounded dubious- Fao had the feeling he was resigned to his fate and his opinion of werewolves.

"It's a long story," Faolan said, wondering if she should tell him now, or later- she'd never given anyone werewolf training. For that matter, she hadn't really done much training of anyone in anything in a very long time.

"Well, we have time," Morgan said with a shrug, turning around and taking a few steps deeper into the pine grove, then turning around and leaning against a tree.

"All right," Faolan shrugged, "Where ever you're comfortable…"

Morgan sat down right there, leaning against a different tree now. Faolan glanced over her shoulder and saw two white forms watching them from a distance and smiled slightly before turning back to Morgan. She sat down opposite him, folding her legs and relaxing, pulling together all she knew about the history of werewolves in her mind and reciting the long tale that Skylar had told her on the night of the full moon so many years ago.

When she finished it was almost an hour later, and Morgan had a very thoughtful look on his face. He looked as if he wasn't sure he wanted to believe it. He looked as if he wasn't sure he entirely understood it. Faolan sighed and dropped her head against the back of a tree, wishing for a glass of water after all that uninterrupted talking

"So that's it?" he asked, "We're the descendents of some Pelagirs monsters?"

Faolan picked up her head and frowned at him, so he shrugged and said, "Okay, so not monsters anymore." He shuddered, but it looked involuntary, like a sudden muscle twitch.

"Yeah, that's it," Faolan said softly, then tilted her head sideways and looked at Morgan as she reached out to him with her Empathy, testing him. He was in turmoil, as almost all Heralds were these days, and no where near as troubled as Raleigh had been, fifteen years in coma.

"So you lived with the uh… these werewolves for all of the eight years you've been spying for us?" Morgan asked, his eyes flicking up at hers.

"Yes," Faolan answered, not liking the way he asked the question, "Yes, I lived with them. That's what being a spy entails!"

"Last I heard it didn't involve _becoming_ the enemy," he muttered in reply.

"I was one of them the day I was bitten!" Faolan hissed back at him, "And you're one of them now too."

"Yeah well I haven't killed any Heralds, now have I?" Morgan retorted and Faolan flared up in a mixture of anger and guilt- but when she looked at Morgan she saw by his expression that he immediately regretted saying that and she calmed down.

"Listen"- she started, but Morgan stopped her.

"Why did you kill that Herald?" Morgan asked, "You came back and you're still a Herald, so you mustn't have truly turned your cloak. You speak of true control, and of the history of werewolves… You screwed up- so why are they having _you_ teach me? I'm not trying to blame you for anything, Faolan, that isn't my job- but what I want to know is, can you truly help me?"

Faolan punched the pine littered ground with a fist and let some loose strands of hair hang over her face as she tried to determine whether or not Morgan was an asshole, or just tired and pissed and ready for answers and an end to the war.

"Yes I can help you," she finally spat out between gritted teeth, leveling a glare at him, "But that's it. I'll give you any answers, Morgan but for a lot- there _aren't_ any answers. Nor… nor can I get you true control. You'll probably have to go back to war for that."

To her surprise, Morgan laughed, a sharp, ironic laugh and he said, "So that's how it's going to be. The werewolves will fight us for their true control, and now that we're becoming werewolves too, we'll fight them for our true control. And thus the war will continue, perpetuated by nothing more than our own selfishness…"

Faolan heard him trail off and new what was left unfinished. _Better to kill yourself_, she thought bitterly_, Better to die then live in pain and live where you can hurt others_. And for a moment she believed that herself and thought Morgan had it right- that they both ought to die. Then she remembered Raul, and Raleigh, and Rathmir, and knew she had things to live for. So did Morgan.

"No," Faolan answered, "It won't end up like that. We'll find another way…"

"What?" he asked, "To true control? You'd think the werewolves would have found another way, if there was one. I'm not even sure I believe in true control."

"You'll believe in it," Faolan informed him, "Or you'll die."

"You have true control?" he asked, raising an eyebrow at her, "But you only got it recently- and I'm going to guess you didn't get it out fighting Heralds though…"

His eyes were shrewd and Faolan realized he'd picked it up from what she'd said early, by stringing bits and pieces together and she sighed, the nodded, "Yes. That's why I left."

"Ah," he said, shifting his position around a bit, then added, "It's terrifying. Fighting on the front, against an enemy you can't even see. Genevieve was our best scout- she could sense them before anyone else. I remember feeling her body tense up and knowing that meant that there were wolves around us. Knowing that tonight could be the night I die, be the night I feel those teeth tear into my throat… And in the end they didn't kill me. Just set me in store for eternal suffering."

"It is terrible," Faolan said vehemently, "Just as terrible and terrifying on the other side, Morgan. And it's got to end!"

"Somehow I think that will never happen," Morgan said, "It's gone on for sixteen years… _sixteen years…_ and still there is no clear winner."

Faolan said and punched the dirt again, less hard this time, and muttered, "Well it can't keep going."

"This isn't taking us anywhere," Morgan sighed and looked off through the trees, "Let's get down to it- you're here to help me with the Change so I can leave my room at night without fear of ripping someone's throat out myself."

"All right," Faolan said, and looked at him, "The first step is recognizing that part of you is now a wolf. Accepting that part of you. Realizing that isn't a separate entity, that it is you- all the emotion, both evil and pure, that pour out of you while in wolf form. Strong emotion and the change go hand in hand."

Morgan stared at her then looked away with a frown, then, after a moment, said, "I guess this isn't going to be like Gift training."

"Not at all," Faolan answered grimly, "And it's going to be a long, long process. It'll still be a while before you can come out in wolf form- but hopefully you'll learn quicker than I did."

"How long it'd take you?"

"I wasn't in a populated area… but it was a year after Raul Chose me that she deemed me safe enough to bring to Haven, to give you an idea," Faolan explained.

"Ah," Morgan said, his eyes growing dark. Faolan felt for him- he'd only been a werewolf five months, on that scale, a year was a millennia, and a thousand Changes.

"You'll make it, though," Faolan said, "Everyone does- and you're a Herald, so that gives you a head start."

"I can't wait," Morgan said dryly, but then he smiled at Faolan, and it made him look so much more energized that Faolan smiled back.

"Well, let's begin then," Faolan suggested.

Morgan nodded, "All right."

**A/N: So that's our new friend Morgan! Thank you for reading this chapter and extra thanks to those who reviewed the last chapter!! Also- any more guesses about that chapter title? Thrice for Love? And I did a little more research about the wall of Herald names and I think I have it figured out now. Thanks to those who helped!  
M3m0rii- Yup. Story isn't over yet. Another couple of chapters... eight maybe?  
GinaStar- Yeah... I always thought it was a little too happy happy that all the Heralds that end up lifebonded in her books also end up stationed in Haven so they can be with their love. I don't think Faolan and Raleigh's relationship is going to be like that- but I haven't written that yet so who knows- maybe I'll change my mind!  
ginalee- Hee hee... and only I know the end to this story... that's what's fun about being a writer. Well StormyPhoenix knows because I told her- she's my sister, BTW and I dump all my story thoughts onto her for detail poking before I write them down.  
sparkyCSI- Wow! One day! That must have taken a while! Last night I reread a Harry Potter fanfiction my sister and I are writing and it took a few hours- then we wrote another chapter... If any of you are HP fans too you should check it out once we put it up on it'll either be called A Twisted Past or some other cheesy romance title...  
LightningStorms- Lol. Angst is fun.  
**


	65. Home?

That first night with Herald Morgan was hard. She wasn't willing to mindspeech him in wolf form, so the entire night was spent either trying to stop him from ripping up the room and hurting himself, or defending herself when he directed his anger onto her. Morgan Derry was no werewolf to be reckoned with- in wolf form he stood almost three feet tall at the shoulder and was black as midnight. In the moonlight that managed to sneak through the window of his room, he glistened with a dark luminescence.

By the time morning came, Faolan was drained, and she left Morgan asleep and worn out on his bed to crawl back to her own, wishing she had the guts to just _talk_ to him in wolf form, and not quite willing to think about why she shouldn't. She slept only a few hours- there was too much light in the room and too many thoughts her in her head to do otherwise. Upon getting up she determined that what she really needed was a long bath, so she gathered up some clean Whites and headed to the baths, which, she presumed, would be quite empty at this time of the day.

However, she was wrong about that. When she stepped quietly into the steamy room, another Herald was there, stepping into a steaming tub. Faolan could immediately tell that she was just from the war- her movements, her attitude, the emotions Faolan could sense around her… this Herald was no teacher or student. This other Herald looked over at Faolan as she entered, peering at her from beneath black eyebrows and worn out eyes. Too many eyes looked like that these days.

"Hi," Faolan said with a half smile, deciding that she definitely didn't know this Herald. She didn't know most of the Heralds- a thing that made her sad. Usually trainees had more of a chance to befriend those they would spend the rest of their lives with.

"Hi," the woman said, sinking into her tub and leaning back to wet her hair. Faolan moved over to another tub, and glanced back at the woman before starting to pump her water- just enough to see this other Herald's dark eyes watching her suspiciously.

After a moment she heard a voice speak up, "You're Faolan, right?"

Faolan turned around to face the other Herald, and nodded, "Yes. I am."

"Ah," her answer was… dark. Faolan's spine prickled, but the woman said no more, so she continued pumping water, feeling uncomfortable.

Sure enough, a little later, as Faolan was stripping, she spoke up again, this time with the words, "You never should have been sent to the front."

Faolan looked over her shoulder at her, finding that there was really no way she could answer that in words, so she just looked at the woman, waiting for her to continue.

"Why, Faolan?" the Herald asked, her dark eyes piercing Fao's own, "Why did they send _you_ to the front?"

"Because I was qualified to go," Faolan said, "Because I could help."

The woman barked out a short laugh, shook her head and said, "No Faolan you most definitely were _not_ suited to go spying. No child can be a spy… Someone made a mistake, and lives paid because of it."

Faolan felt anger boil through her and she whirled around, glaring, and said, "More lives would have been lost had I _not_ gone! Don't you know that I feel guilty for every bad deed I've done every moment I live? Can you imagine I _wouldn't_? Are you a Herald? Because I am- and last I knew Companion's don't choose wrong. Raul hasn't repudiated me yet, and until then I will keep on being a Herald."

"Well," the woman shrugged, "Some Companions doubt Raul's competence."

"It's not their job to judge!" Faolan retorted, whirled back to her bath and stepping in, grabbing a bar of soap angrily.

"There have been mistakes made," the woman deigned to answer, "Whether or not you, as a child, are directly to blame, is up to questioning. But there have definitely been mistakes made among the Heralds and Companions."

"We're only human!" Fao hissed back, "Everyone makes mistakes sometimes."

There was an answering snort and Faolan found herself so angry that fur was sprouting from her arms and she scrubbed at it vehemently, wishing she wouldn't Change, not in front of so hostile a Herald. Morgan Derry's response to werewolves made her realize that the Change was not a welcome idea among Heralds. It made her even more angry- that she couldn't be free to be herself here in Haven.

Faolan rushed through her bath, finishing long before the other Herald, and as she pulled on her clean Whites, the woman muttered, "You should still be a trainee, child." There was a hint of tenderness in the words, but it was derisive tenderness, and did nothing to soothe Faolan.

"Don't take your anger about the war out on me," she growled as she stalked out, slamming the door behind her and hurrying down the halls of the Collegium as her still dripping wet hair soaked into the back of her tunic.

Before she realized it, tears were stinging her eyes and she moved quicker, blindly, until she suddenly found herself, without even realized how she'd gotten there, standing in front of the Death Bell in the Companion's Field. She stared up at it, then sank to her knees, thinking of how it must have rung when she killed Herald Belar. Then, all of a sudden, she was sobbing, and she let herself sink forward onto her hands, her head hanging between her arms.

"I'm sorry," she whispered to the ground, to the Death Bell, "I'm sorry..."

After what felt like a long time, Faolan pulled herself up and wiped her eyes. As she turned around she saw Raul standing there, still as a statue but for the breeze that wisped at her mane and tail. Her eyes were soft and Faolan stepped up to her, running a hand along the Companion's face.

Together they walked back up towards the Collegium. However, that was not where Faolan destined to go. Instead of going back to the Collegium, she went to the training grounds and found a bow that fit her and some arrows to go with it. Luckily the current classes were all working on sword play, so Faolan set up a target by herself off to the side and out of sight of the classes, and starting firing arrows repeatedly into the target. It felt good to stretch her muscles, and with each arrow that she released, she felt tension leave her body. However, it didn't hold the rewards it used to for her- the dull thunk as the arrow hit the straw of the target only reminded her of the softer, slicker wet sound of an arrow sinking into a human body.

When Faolan had shot all twelve arrows she set the bow down gently and walked over to the target to retrieve the thick cluster of arrows around the of the target. As she carefully yanked out the third arrow she felt a hand touch her shoulder and jumped- surprised not to have heard the person creep up. It was Rathmir.

"What are you-?" she started to ask, but Rathmir answered before she could finish.

"I've been looking for you," she said, "I know you were with Herald Morgan last night, but I imagined you'd be quite changed back by now. There's something I wanted to talk to you about."

"What is it?" Faolan asked, pulling out the rest of the arrows and walking back to her bow with Rathmir.

"First tell me how you and Raleigh are getting along," Rathmir said with a smile, "And tell me about Morgan."

"Raleigh…" Faolan sighed with a smile and thrust her arrows into the ground where she could easily reach them, "I love him so much… he… he sometimes is confused about me- and Carry, but he's so wonderful… He asked me to marry him yesterday."

"Did he now?" Rathmir didn't look surprised, but her eyes were full of happiness at Faolan's happiness.

"Yes," Faolan answered, "It's almost too much happiness, being with him, after so much… It's hard to be back here, Rathmir. Hard to have two families, one here, one with the werewolves… one that I can't go back to… And I don't mean werewolves in general, I mean I know Morgan is here but he isn't a werewolf. I mean the Harailt pack."

"Yes," Rathmir said reached over and rubbing Faolan's shoulder with a comforting hand, "It will all come to an end soon, Faolan…"

"What was it you wanted to talk about, then?" Faolan asked, feeling curious and apprehensive at the same time- something about the seriousness that had been in Rathmir's voice when she had first spoke.

"Well…" Rathmir said, standing with her arms crossed in a position of relaxation as she looked up at the sky, covered with low hanging clouds, "I suppose it was about family. Time went so quickly when you were a child, so much was happening then, Faolan… I suppose I never got to express it- and I know you've never really thought of yourself as a child, but if you wanted a real family- not just the Heralds in general… And I know it's a bit late now, with you getting married to man closer to my age than yours… but I've talked with William and Kayin and Maemi and basically… we'd like you to be part of our family."

"You mean… adopt me?" Faolan asked, feeling stunned and surprised and delighted all at once.

"Yes," Rathmir ascertained with a smile, looking directly at Faolan now, and she reached out to push a stray bit of hair from Faolan's face, "I love you like one of my own, Faolan."

Faolan suddenly realized that _this_ was a little bit of life that had been entirely missing and she'd never even fully realized it in all her time since being Chosen. Rathmir was right- Fao had never really thought of herself as a child and thus in need of a real family- guidance sometimes, love too, but the idea of being adopted by Rathmir and William hadn't ever occurred to her. She wasn't sure exactly how to react to it, either. She hadn't had a real childhood, what with all her memories and experiences, and there was a part of her- a part that wasn't quite Faolan, that rejected everything wrapped up in being childlike and determined to stand on her own feet as an adult, but the rest of her, the rest of her that had gained a hold of having the knowledge of all her lives behind her _and_ being herself, knew that she could be both fourteen _and_ an adult. And Faolan wanted a family.

"I…" Faolan managed to say, her expression revealing everything, "Nothing could make me happier, Rathmir."

The older woman's face lit up with a gentle smile and she said, "I only wish I could have asked you sooner- before you were sent off to war…"

"It's all right," Faolan shook her head, "I mean, in a sense you adopted me the time we first met- when you washed my hair in that bathtub… I was so dirty."

She laughed, and realized that she really had been a child- running around in the dirt without a care, being jealous, being pouty, being inexplicably delighted at small things… She hadn't been aware of it as a child for she thought all her actions were those she'd make as an adult… And she hadn't been a normal child, that was for sure, but… she had still been a child, just with far more experience in her head.

"You were wonderful," Rathmir said, then spoke in Faolan's mind, _:I love you Faolan.:_

Faolan winced at a sharp, lancing pain that ran through her head and slapped her hand up to her forehead, her brows furrowing- but then it was gone. She bent over slightly, took a deep breath, and looked over at Rathmir, feeling slightly scared at what had happened.

"Fao?" Rathmir inquired, her voice worried, and she leaned over to Faolan, taking her shoulders and straightening her up, "Are you all right? What's wrong?"

"My… head," Faolan answered, rubbing a hand through her hair nervously, "When you… spoke," she shivered, and didn't finish.

"Faolan… have you mindspoke anyone aside from Raul since Dashiell read your mind?" Rathmir inquired, her voice half soft, half urgent.

"No…" Faolan shook her head, "I've tried to avoid it, mostly."

"Ahh…" Rathmir said with a nod, glancing around with her teal colored eyes, "I think I understand…"

"What?" Faolan asked, and dropped her hand, then lay her bow down gently on the ground and turned to face Rathmir directly.

"Put your things away, then follow me," Rathmir said, "You need to see a mind healer."

"What?" Faolan asked, picked up her bow and arrows as Rathmir turned around and started walking off, "A what?"

"An Empath," Rathmir answered as Faolan hurried to catch up to her, "Someone who senses emotion- like you, except far more powerfully."

"Why?" Faolan demanded, thinking of what she had done to Raleigh's emotions.

"Because there are parts of you that need help in healing," Rathmir answered, walking quickly towards the Salle.

"Healing?" Fao echoed, feeling slightly put off by Rathmir's sudden words and actions.

"Yes," Rathmir stated simply, waiting as Fao put away her stuff, then moving off again at a quick walk once she returned.

"Where are we going?" Faolan asked, feeling edgy.

"The House of Healing," Rathmir answered, glancing back at Faolan, "One of the Healer's there is an Empath- a powerful one. He'll help you."

"But I don't think…" Faolan started to say but Rathmir cut her off.

"No," she said, "You _do_ need healing. I'm not surprised, either, Faolan. You're young, and lived in a war zone, as a spy, for many years. It would damage anyone."

"I've been to war before," Faolan pointed out.

"Not in this life and not at the age of fourteen," Rathmir answered, turning as the House of Healing loomed above some trees in the distance.

**A/N: There's the next chapter! Wee... I just got back from a four day camping trip- makes me appreciate a nice shower. Thanks to those who reviewed the last chapter! Hugs to you! Also- Happy Summer everyone!  
StormyPhoenix- I think you did already read that chapter- or part of it, perhaps. I'm fairly sure you have not read this one until now though!  
The-Elven-Bookworm- Yup! I bet there are some of you out there that thought it would end when she came back, huh? Well, there's still a bit of Faolan's story to tell. Mwahaha.  
GinaStar- He's not usually so depressing- he's just had a spat of bad luck... but Faolan will put that right! (Hopefully.) ;)  
ginalee-Yeah... most of the Heralds are a bit like that, as this chapter revealed... "Werewolves are eViiiLLLL!!!"  
M3m0rii- You are very speculative- which is good. :) You shall just have to wait until the next chapters come along to see where it goes though!  
LightningStorms-Yup! I need to get writing... I'm only part of the way through chapter sixty-six and I only have about five days to finish it up and start sixty-seven for you guys!! Gotta squeeze writing in around planning my trip to Iceland...  
**


	66. The Change

Healer Valentine was the kind of man you expected to see in the gardens, a bird alit on his finger. He was middle aged, with dark brown hair about an inch long and speckled with gray. His eyes had the beginnings of wrinkles around them, and were very kindly. Faolan liked him immediately. She felt she could relate to his serene expression- one of compassion, and she realized that she wished she could someday don that expression as her own.

"So you are Herald Faolan," he said and Fao nodded slowly as she stepped into the room, still not used to people knowing who she was ahead of time. It was unsettling.

Rathmir pulled the door shut behind her, leaving Faolan alone with the Healer. Valentine motioned to another chair and so Faolan sat down carefully, glancing out the window with warm sunlight streaming through it. She wondered what Raleigh was doing this morning, and wanted to see him.

"I have seen many Heralds these past years," Valentine said with a slight chuckle- a sad chuckle, "You seem most prone to mental stress… I suppose it comes from what makes you Heralds."

Faolan shrugged, not sure how to respond to that.

Valentine stood up for a moment and pulled his chair closer to Faolan's, then reached out and took both her hands, holding hers in his. A kindly smile lit his face and he looked at her for a few moments.

"Now, tell me what happened to you," Valentine said a moment later.

"In.. the war?" Faolan asked, though she knew what he meant. Valentine said nothing, just waited.

Faolan sighed, and leaned back in her chair, still holding the Healer's hands, and started, "Well for the first few years I wasn't on the front- I found a group of werewolves that were the non-fighters, the older, the younger, and those that had true control… They trained me there, taught me how to be a werewolf and then… a few months ago they sent me to the front- to fight for them, to gain true control… They trusted me like one of them and… they aren't fighting because they're evil… they're fighting for their lives. For their livelihood… This war is so screwed up… I miss Skylar and my pack so much… they practically raised me. It's my second home and I know it's so wrong to both fight the enemy and love them but I can't help it. It's _wrong_ this war, it's totally wrong… It's got to end, somehow… and now Herald Morgan is a werewolf too- and I don't know how to get _him_ true control except to send him back to the front to keep fighting- but that's what started all this in the first place!"

Faolan hands clenched around Healer Valentine's as she stared past his head at the wall behind him, not seeing it, feeling anger and frustration pulse through her. She clenched her teeth for a moment, then continued, when it was apparent Valentine was just going to let her talk. She could feel him starting to touch her with his Empathy, like a cool washcloth on a sweaty, dirty, fevered face. She forced herself not to keep him out, and to distract herself she kept talking.

"It was really hard- spying among the werewolves, giving information and Scouting yet trying not to help the werewolves too much and I guess… Well I guess it ended up being too hard because somehow Dashiell overheard me talking to Raul- which under normal circumstances really shouldn't have happened. So they knew I had mindspeech. And that was okay- I managed to fudge a story about it and Dashiell did a small mind probe- nothing big, nothing serious, but enough to make sure I wasn't lying but my training is so much better than his so he didn't find out anything that would hurt me…. But then… then I must have slipped up. I did slip up, somehow. I wasn't good enough and the Commander suspected me- against his will, from my impression, but he's a good Commander… so he interrogated me. And I suppose he just doesn't really know what how the mind really works because he ordered Dashiell to interrogate me mentally, using mind speech. It was horrible"- Faolan paused, her voice cracking, her eyes dropping to her lap and she whispered, "Worse than anything I've experienced. And I suppose that's what's brought me here… I can't… I can't let anyone except Raul touch my mind- mind speak to me. It's too… I guess it's too close to the way Dashiell ripped through my memories, trying to figure out if I was a spy or not…"

Valentine was silent and as Faolan stared at her lap she felt the tears well up, the tears of frustration and anger and stress and depression and the more the silence filled the room, the more the pain filled her heart until Faolan was sobbing, quietly, gently, the tears pouring from her eyes as the pain poured from her soul.

"It just isn't fair!" she sobbed, "It's too unfair! It's not right! There has to be another way!"

Healer Valentine's warm hands encompassed her, soft and dry, and then gave a gently squeeze. Gradually Faolan looked up at him, and his kindly eyes, and realized she felt better. She let out a last hiccupping sob, then, to her surprise, she yawned. Her soul felt wiped clean in a way it hadn't in a long time. She leaned backwards, reaching one hand to touch her chest and sighed, dropping her head against the back of the chair.

"Come and see me again some time," Valentine said softly and Faolan nodded as she straightened up.

"I will," Faolan said, because she know that though she felt better, Healing was a process of time- and that's what Faolan needed most just then. Healing.

OOO

"Morgan," Faolan said, reaching out an hand to steady the man's shaking arm. They were in his rooms, that evening, as night drew forward and the moon drew closer once more. Morgan was sitting in a chair, his hands braced on his knees and his head drooping. His arms were shaking and his fingers clenched his legs convulsively. He was on the brink of Change- as was Faolan, but it wasn't affecting her the same way.

"Morgan," Faolan began again, "Listen to me. Just relax. I know it sounds silly, but take a deep breath and let the Change flow through you. Try and ignore the pain, don't fight it, accept it for now. Deep breaths. Remember- there is no wolf inside of you. There is only _you_ inside of you."

He looked up at her, still shaking, his eyes scared and pleading, his face damp with sweat and his hair messy. She could feel the turmoil inside him, fighting and wrestling with two conflicting forces. She could feel hair sprouting over her body, inside her shirt, bristly against the cloth, on her neck, and face, and legs. It made her want to growl deliciously and roll on the ground in delight. Curl up in the moonlight. She was in a good mood tonight, and her wolf form would want to reflect that.

"Ahhhhhhhhrrrrrrrrrrg!" a pain filled scream that turned into a growl wrenched from Morgan Derry's throat as thick black hair sprung from his body.

"Let go!" Faolan said, but the words came out garbled as her mouth changed shape, away from the delicate structures capable of producing human speech. She felt fangs growing and growled deep in her throat.

And then, a moment later, two large wolves stood facing each other, fur bristling and fangs bared. Morgan Derry's yellow green eyes glowed in the moon light coming in through the window, making the white of room whiter and the shadows even deeper. Faolan eyed him warily, not sure how much of the sane Morgan Derry was inside the creature he had become, and feeling pained at the fact that she even had to consider that.

Impulsively, staring into his snarling face, Faolan reached out with the Empathy that still curled within her, a warm orb of magic inside her. What she felt inside Morgan made her recoil quickly. It was chaos- pure, unrestrained chaos inside his soul. Had she been like that, before? He was a chaos of all emotions, made powerful and warped together.

Faolan's tail sagged and she whined at Morgan sadly, feeling lost and helpless- how could she possibly help him? She could bring up his control once he and his wolf self were united, once that chaos was gone… but how could she show him what she had to figure out with only Raul's help?

The black werewolf snarled at Faolan and then leapt towards the window, scraping claws against the claws and making an ear rending noise. His rage at his inability to escape radiated off him in waves, both physical and mental and Faolan was, for a moment, frightened- for Morgan Derry was a large werewolf, large and powerful and utterly without control.

With a sigh, half snarl and half breath, she crept over to the other side of the room and faced Morgan Derry, then growled at him, letting her own frustration and anger seep out into that single growl, and it rumbled from deep within her. The black werewolf paused, his bright yellow eyes gleaming at her, his huge extended claws still digging at the window. She could hear him breathing, huge breaths that made his sides rise visibly. She could see him thinking behind those yellow eyes, see his human-wolf brain thinking. She growled again, her tail stiff and high, daring him to direct his anger onto her.

Morgan dropped down onto the ground, his huge paws making two thuds as they hit the floor, his claws clicking on the stone. He turned to face her, then stared at her, his ears pricked forward, suggesting a curiosity. Faolan, perfectly aware that she was only just barely half his size, snarled at him, then howled, not caring who heard and who shivered because of it in their sleep- it was time they got used to the howls of werewolves in Haven.

She howled long and good, and, just as she had hoped, Morgan joined in, near the end, adding his deep, low howl that also vibrated through the air to her higher pitched howl. It made _her_ shiver, with delight- to be howling with another werewolf again. Here was a werewolf who hadn't forsaken her from the packs- _he_ could be her pack, though it wouldn't be the same as those she had lost.

When she finished, she look at Morgan, and their eyes met. She had his attention. Excellent. With a wolfish grin she snarled at him again, crouching down, inviting a playful fight, instead of daring him to a bloody one. He stared down at her, his head tilted slightly to the side, and Faolan knew it was the werewolf in him considering her, not Morgan Derry. The true Morgan was hiding in the depths of his mind- protesting every movement, every action, that proclaimed him wolf.

Finally he growled back- but it wasn't playful, and so Faolan quickly stood up, and growled back at him. He made the first move, stepping forward to swipe at her with one paw, then quickly backing up. Apparently he was smart enough to know size wasn't everything in a fight. Faolan responded by leaping at him, and they met in mid air, their jaws clacking together as teeth snapped on empty air. Their front legs were locked together as they each braced on the other's chest, pushing away and trying to get closer at the same time. They broke apart, circled, and met again, fur flying as teeth ripped through hide and hair. Their growls and snarls rent the air.

Suddenly their was a soft splash, almost inaudible in the growls, and they both paused to look as a dark black drop of blood splattered onto the floor, dripping from a cut on Faolan's shoulder. Another moment passed, and Faolan did not feel the pain. Then Morgan growled, and the fight began again, but with an added ferocity. After what felt like ages, and they were both covered in wet and drying blood that was black in the gray vision of the werewolf, Faolan sensed a weakness in Morgan- a sudden hesitation, and she leapt at him- this time sending him tumbling backwards such that she stood over him, one paw pressing into his chest, the other on the ground. Faolan snarled, and reached down to sink her teeth into the folds of skin on his neck and then pressed in, just enough to draw a little bit of blood. Morgan whined then and the tension left his body- he surrendered. Content with this, Faolan backed off from him, licking the taste of blood from her mouth, and waited for him to stand, glad that she had gained superiority over him.

After a few seconds of lying on the ground, Morgan rolled over at stood up, then immediately sat down and started licking his wounds. Faolan paused, then went over and stood beside him, licking his wounds with him, until they were both licking each other's wounds. A few hours later found the two of them laying side by side, watching the moonlight, Faolan content and Morgan content to be content if _she_ was content.

They changed back a few hours before dawn and Morgan quickly went to where his clothes were, avoiding looking at Faolan as he pulled Whites on over his bruised and beaten body. Faolan paused, feeling awkward as she stood- in her past lives she would have been embarrassed, but a long childhood of change among many others had somehow managed to get rid of centuries worth of embarrassment at nakedness- until now. He was so careful not to look at her, to get back into his clothes- to be human again, and it made Faolan painfully aware of her old habits, engrained in by culture, made her aware of her lack of clothing, aware that she was a young woman again with a body that a man _would_ want to look at… And so Faolan too, quickly pulled on her clothing and averted her eyes from Morgan Derry, feeling uncomfortable and not sure how to remedy the situation. It couldn't continue- not if they were going to Change with each other many times in the months to come.

Faolan turned around, fully clothed- well pants and tunic anyway, and found Morgan looking at her guiltily. She decided to ignore that look for the moment and went over to the door to undo the lock at the top- the one that no werewolf could ever open- as she had tried as a young werewolf and Morgan Derry had surely tried before.

"Lets go down to the Field for a bit," Faolan said to Morgan as she pulled open the door, "I think we should talk."

Morgan nodded, casting his eyes away from her, and followed as she led the way down to the Companion's Field and to one of the secluded grottos near the river, the ones with benches, and she sat down, listening to the water leap rush by the shore. It was a soothing sound.

"I'm sorry," Morgan said almost immediately as they both carefully made themselves comfortable, trying not to pull at the some deep gashes- most were superficial and all were in the process of healing. Faolan thought she wouldn't even bother going to the House of Healing for them- just put some salve on them and they be fine.

"I can't believe…" he started to add on, but Faolan looked over at him sharply, and he fell silent.

"You can believe and you aren't sorry," she said forcefully, "It was perfectly in your control and it _was_ you that did it. I knew perfectly well what I was doing- even if you were a little lost. You remember hurting me, I remember hurting you, and therefore you cannot pretend it wasn't you that did it. That anger you felt- that I felt radiating off you- it was real. You do have things to be angry about- hell _everyone_ has things to be angry about! Being a werewolf just pulls out those emotions- werewolves are highly volatile creatures, but we've learned to let our powerful emotions flow through us- be one with us. We say '_Yes I feel this way, I feel this strongly, and yes there is nothing wrong with it.'_ Be it sorrow, anger, love, joy… We let ourselves experience emotions. Humans have a tendency to ask emotions to be forced away in some situations, and that makes the Change harder, makes the adjustment harder, but it's something you need to learn to live with."

Morgan Derry look slightly shocked at this rant- whether or not it was the ranting or what she said that shocked him, Faolan wasn't sure. She grinned at him, a grin that invited the thought of a wolf, and continued speaking.

"Last night was a step forward. You started thinking more like a werewolf- stopped concentrating on being angry and just let yourself be angry. So we fought, and when it was over we both felt better. I'll take a guess and say you've probably never been so content in werewolf form before, right?"  
Morgan nodded slowly, seemed on the verge of saying something, then decided that he really had nothing to say, and stayed silent. Faolan smiled at him, then turned her gaze to the river and watched it flow by, feeling the relaxation of a full moon change wash over her. Being a werewolf like that was a release, and all the stress she'd been feeling over the past few days was gone. Faolan wondered if Morgan was aware of that release- he probably was now, that she had explained a little more about the emotions of a werewolf.

"I think I'm almost looking forward to tonight," Morgan said softly, a while later. Faolan glanced over at him, and saw a smile on his face- though she knew he was still apprehensive about the Change, and would rather not be a werewolf, she could feel it in him, but his attitude was already Changing. She smiled back at him, showing him pointy teeth.

**A/N: Sorry it took me a while to get this up- I've been surprisingly busy these last couple of days. Saw four Bald Eagles and six Ospreys yesterday at Blackwater National Wildlife Refuge! And some foxes, and Delmarva Fox Squirrels, and a Nutria and a billion Great Blue Herons, and some Egrets... It was fun. Thanks muchly muchly to...  
StormyPhoenix- Yeah, that is true. Except people don't all see what she did as Heroic.  
ginalee- As you see, the mind healer is just a mind healer, and Fao needs healing. I like Healer Valentine. He's a fun character.  
GinaStar- Something of the sort... :)  
LightningStorms- I'm trying! Been trying to steal some writing time in for the last four days. :( Maybe I will find time today, and finish writing chapter sixty-seven. Did you know in my original layout 67 was the last chapter? Well, stuff has taken up more space and now I think 74 is the last one... or maybe 72...  
The-Elven-Bookworm- Yeah, I was thinking of having there be a Mage/Wizard School where Raul would be a familiar of some sort...  
SwiftShadow- Thank you! Always great to have new readers enjoying this as well as the old!  
Jennykin- And another new reader! Woot! Thank you. Yeah I'm just out of High School. Going to Bard College!  
**


	67. Children of War

"Hey," Faolan said as she quietly slipped into Raleigh's room and closed the door behind her.

The man was sitting up in his bed, reading a book, though now he was looking at Faolan with a smile on his face. He looked stronger than he had last time she had seen him- if that was even possible. Raleigh was such a world away from werewolves and Heralds that it just blew Faolan's mind. Nothing else seemed quite so relevant when she was with him, and just looking at his face she felt it all slipping away. Sure, training Morgan was important, the war was important, but none of it demanded her attention as it had before- it was just there, and what mattered was Raleigh. More important than anything else was Raleigh getting better, marrying Raleigh…

"Hi," he answered, setting down his book and marking his place by folding over the tip of the page he was on before closing it. Librarians must hate him, Faolan thought absently as she came in and sat down on the edge of his bed, feeling the characteristic happy sort of uneasiness she always felt when she first came in and saw him.

"What's this?" Raleigh asked after his book was away, a concerned frown appearing on his face as he reached up a hand to touch her neck just below her ear. Faolan followed his hand and felt a streak of dried blood and a slightly swelled up spot where a gash had scabbed over. She had washed her hands and face before coming to see him, but she must have missed that spot…

"I got into a fight last night," she said, "It was the full moon and… I wasn't the only werewolf in the room. After I left you the other day Raul told me a Herald was bitten, and I've spent the night's with him, trying to help his Change. He has almost no control… just the way I was when I was a pup."

"He… he bit you?" Raleigh looked like he wasn't sure whether or not to be worried, angry, or amused. Faolan smiled.

"Don't worry about it," she told him, taking the hand that still hovered by the gash and squeezing it in her own, then kissed it and held it in her lap, "It was kind of a dominance thing- I think it helped him, actually. I won, if that makes you feel better."

Raleigh laughed, then ran a hand through his shortish hair and shrugged, saying, "I suppose there's no need to be jealous- if we're really lifebonded then you love me as much as I love you. So you're training this new werewolf Herald?"

Faolan nodded, "Though I don't know how I'll get him true control- ahhh… there's so much you don't know about werewolves! Oh well… I suppose you'll learn eventually. True control is why the werewolves fight- so they learn where the line between fighting with anger and true bloodlust is- and never cross it again. And so they learn where that line is in an environment where it won't hurt the pack. I left, came back here, because I accidentally lost total control while in camp, with other werewolves, and only other werewolves and… I did what they fight to prevent."

"How did that happen?" Raleigh asked, peering at her curiously, seemingly intent on just letting her talk. His question was almost more to prompt her to go on than from true curiosity- though he did want to know.

Faolan paused- wondering if she could tell him, "Well… I guess I kind of had a link to you, ever since I first saw you here in a coma when I was five or something and I had this feeling of where you were… And when you woke up it felt like you had left or something… I thought you had finally died and the feelings inside me because of that… kind of imploded. I remember distinctly thinking- and it seemed quite logical at the time- that if you weren't alive then no one deserved to be happy. Or something like that."

Raleigh looked taken aback, and also thoughtful. He paused before saying, "Wow… This true control thing sounds pretty serious. You're supposed to get it on battlefield then- with a typical sort of warrior's bloodlust?"

"Yes," Faolan nodded, looking into his eyes, wondering what else he was thinking about.

"Ah," he said, then inquired, "And you gained this true control because you thought I had died?"

"Well… yes," Faolan answered with a embarrassed sort of smile, "Yes."

"I guess the werewolves had better hope no more of them form lifebonds," Raleigh said with a grin, then said, turning serious, "You know… I have this faint sort of images- dreams I suppose, that I think are from when I was in a coma. Of Carry, and werewolves… But… in light of what I know now… maybe it wasn't dreams."

Faolan stared at him dumbly- did he remember? He remembered their spirit talks and walks and conversations? He was peering at her now, questioningly, unsure, waiting for her to respond.

"I think that is possible," Faolan answered, "Seeing as I dreamed of you often when I was on the front."

"Dreams…" he said softly, looking down, "Would that be why you told me in one of the earlier dreams, that your name wasn't Carry?"

Faolan stared at him again, shocked into silence. She looked away, then looked back at Raleigh, and finally laughed and said, "I thought that you forgot about that- or disregarded it…"

"So it was you," he said, a smile creeping over his face, "And they weren't just dreams. Why didn't you tell me?"

"I didn't think you remembered," she answered, "When you and I first met, here… it didn't seem like you remembered."

"Well, you always appeared as Carry- not like this," he answered, squeezing her hand.

"I think that's because that's what you expected to see, and that's how I felt when I was around you," Faolan said with a smile.

"Ahh…." Raleigh sighed happily and leaned back against his pillows, closing his eyes momentarily, "That- Carry… I know your name is Faolan now but you're still Carry, Faolan… You're still Carry."

"Yes," Faolan replied quietly, "I suppose I still am."

She leaned over and kissed him then, falling into his arms, which he wrapped around her and pulled her closer to him. "Carry," he whispered into her ear, "Faolan. I've missed you… I've missed you."

"I've missed you too," she answered him, resting her face against his neck, "It's been a long time. A long time."

OOO

_A sharp pain lanced through my head and I leaped up, whirling around, a hand going to the back of my head and short cropped hair. My fingers encountered a warm wetness and I cursed under my breath. There was a short laugh from behind a low rock wall a few feet away. In all of my eight year old rage I ran over, leaped the fence and tackled whoever was behind it. There was a scream and my fist pounded into the rock thrower's face repeatedly until he was limp. Then I stepped back to see who it was._

"_Don't hurt me anymore Lea," Clay whispered, his hands covering his bloody face. I kicked him in the leg, though without the anger from before._

"_Don't throw rocks at me!" I told him, "It isn't nice!"_

"_I'm sorry," he said and I stepped back. The hands slowly came back down from his face and he sat up, pressing himself against the wall. _

"_Who put you up to it?" I demanded, putting my hands on my hips._

"_No one," Clay whimpered, "Everyone knows you're an orphan…"_

"_I AM NOT AN ORPHAN!" I screamed at him and almost started beating him up again when a pair of strong arms pulled me up and away from the little boy. _

"_Now, now Lea," a familiar voice said as I was set down. I turned around to face a bearded face and kindly eyes. I glowered. _

"_She hit me," Clay whispered from behind, still cowering._

"_That should teach you not to throw rocks, then, shouldn't it?" Master Morian said sternly, "Go home, boy. Don't come back here."_

_Clay ran. I grinned, watching him kick up dirt as he hurried away. Let him go play with all his stupid little friends. I was fine without them. _

_The Wizard took my hand and led me back to the house, passing over the spot in the dirt where I was tracing spells- wishing I could be a Wizard too- but Morian said I didn't have the Mage-Gift… I was almost positive he was completely wrong, and that if I tried doing magic enough, it would finally come to me. Then I could find my parents… People said they were dead- but they had only disappeared… not died. They'd come back some day. Or I'd find them. Even though it had been three years. _

"_Lea," Master Morian said softly as we walked, hand in hand, "I heard what you said- about your not being an orphan… and, while it's wrong of them to throw rocks at you, the way to stop it isn't to deny the truth."_

"_But I'm NOT an orphan," I muttered, kicking a rock and pulling my hand from his. _

"_Yes, my little one, you are," Morian said, "It's a sad, hard truth, but you have to face it. How will you ever survive in this rough world, little one?"_

"_They're NOT dead," I muttered darkly, avoiding looking at him._

_Morian sighed, then stopped and knelt down to look at me directly in the eye, "Lea… I know it was never fully explained to you, and perhaps that's why you hang onto this false hope… but they are dead. I saw them killed. They were the only casualties from that bandit attack- they weren't kidnapped, they didn't disappear. They were murdered- and those bandits have already been caught and hung. Now step up and look at the good things, okay, Lea?"_

_I didn't answer. He'd seen them killed? Why hadn't he told me earlier? I glanced up at him, risking a look at his face. It was sad, and loving. I turned and ran, back down the road, then over the fence and across the field into the forest…_

Faolan sighed, pausing outside the Sommer's rooms later that same day, lost in memories from very, very old lives. That had been a rough life. She hadn't, of course, had the Mage Gift, and had never developed it… some Lea learned to accept a few years later. She ended up falling in love with a soldier that passed through one day and marrying him and becoming a warrior's wife, raising his children and keeping a watch over his bit of farm… That had been a rough life. Fao wondered, briefly, if her descendants by that life were still around, still farming that bit of land. That wasn't even in Valdemar though- the language she remembered speaking was some variant of one of the countries southwest of Valdemar.

Then she took a deep breath and knocked on the door quietly before opening it herself and poking her head in. It was quiet, and she could tell immediately no one was there, so she shut the door and ran trainee schedules through her head. It was nearing lunch, so she headed down to the Common room. It was empty too, though she could hear sounds coming from the kitchen that announced lunch was on the way to being made. She went and sat down in a corner, intending to try and catch Maemi or Kayin during lunch time.

Faolan leaned back in her chair, staring at the ceiling, letting little wisps of memories float through her mind. She was Carry, yes, and many others too. Many others. She wondered if every soul was so old- if everyone had been living since the dawn of time. Her memories started fading before remembering any sort of beginning… but perhaps that was just fading. Was the whole world just a simple repetition of peoples and lives, growing and learning and growing and learning and pushing the world forward? But if ever soul was as old, why hadn't everyone learned to be nice to each other yet? Or were good and evil not determined by soul, but by the life one was born into? That was a scary thought- for it suggested that the way to solve dark deeds in the world would simply be to get rid of the conditions that bred them… Faolan sighed, and decided these were questions for after one died- questions only Gods knew the answers to.

_I can wait, I suppose_, she thought, _Wait until I die to figure all that. Though since I remember no afterlives I suppose it won't make a difference anyway._

The doors to the hall suddenly burst open, jerking Faolan from her thoughts, and she looked up as a group of Herald trainees walked in. Most of them ignored Faolan, though a few shot curious glances in her direction. _Just another Herald in from the war_, Faolan could see them thinking, though she must have looked young for that. Those trainees, some of them, looked almost her own age and it made Faolan confused. She felt so old… with all her lives and all that had happened in this life- and yet she was still only fourteen, still as young as those trainees over there…

After that people started filtering in slowly, in ones, twos, or threes. All looked hopefully towards the pass through, but the food wasn't quite ready yet- the lunch bell hadn't rung yet and Faolan assumed these were trainees that finished early. As expected, a few moments later, the bell rang and a few trainees appeared and started bringing food to the tables. Faolan stood up at that point and got herself a plate and cutlery. Her stomach rumbled as she smelled the food that was being served.

At this point trainees started pouring in- the doors were almost never still. Faolan spied Maemi soon and waved to him. He almost didn't notice her, but then their eyes caught and he motioned to Faolan to his friends and they all headed over to her. The small boy that had wanted to play bears and hide behind Rathmir was long gone- here was a young man just starting to shoot up in height, lanky, clumsy looking… And he was Faolan's age. She watched him approach with a smile, finding it hard to comprehend that this boy whom she'd known had as many years in life as she had- but he was so young! So innocent of the terrors and horrors of war!

"Hi," Faolan said as he sat down across from her, his friends seating themselves around him, peering at her curiously.

"Hello," Maemi answered shyly, glancing at his friends, then saying, "Um… this is Faolan- she's the werewolf who has been spying for us for the last eight years…"

"Eight years?" a boy spoke up- he looked a little younger than Maemi, perhaps thirteen, and was a little shorter too, "How can you have been spying for eight years? You don't look very old…"

"I'm not," Faolan answered, "I'm fourteen- fifteen next spring."

The four trainees exchanged glances and then Maemi said, "She was Chosen when she was three- right?"

Faolan nodded again, feeling torn between embarrassment and amusement. She met the eyes of each of the trainees, then continued eating, content to let them question her.

"_Three_?" it was another one who spoke up now- this one a little taller, with thin black hair that brushed his shoulders, "That's impossible!"

"No it's not," Maemi pointed out, "Because it happened- what- did you think Herald Faolan didn't exist? That the stories of a young werewolf Herald fighting out on the front were just stories?"

The three boys sitting around Maemi traded uneasy glances, then the one who had first spoken shrugged, and said, "Well we'd never _seen_ her…"

"It's because she's a werewolf," Maemi said, then glanced at Faolan for confirmation. She nodded, and let him keep talking, "She was bitten, then Chosen and her Companion saved her from succumbing to the wildness of a normal werewolf- so she's not like those we're fighting. Something about being a werewolf made her grow up very quickly- so she wasn't really like a little kid anymore. It cemented her personality or something- you know people aren't usually Chosen until they've started to grow up, formed the personalities they will carry through life…"

Faolan kept her expression one that did not betray her interest at this description- had Maemi thought all of that up on his own or was that what Rathmir told him? He probably didn't remember much of Faolan from when she had last been here- a nerving thought. The four trainee's gazes moved back to Faolan once Maemi was done talking- and they stared at her, in a not so discreet manner, obviously hoping she'd tell them a little more.

"Maemi has it pretty much down," Faolan nodded, glad not to have to manufacture stories of her own, "And then once it was known that the enemy were werewolves too, the Queen looked at her resources and found little ole' me- young, innocent, a werewolf- mature enough to care for herself, with a wise Companion to guide her… And that was that."

"Faolan…?" Maemi asked cautiously a moment later- looking startling like the little boy he once was again in the curious innocence of the way he spoke, "You coming home… does this mean the war is almost over? That we don't need you anymore?"

Faolan sighed softly, the breath whistling from her body, and she watched the faces of the four children fall when they read her answer on her face. She probably had that haunted look that most of the post-war Heralds had… She sighed again, and shifted around in her seat before taking a long draught of water from her cup.

"No," she finally said, "It doesn't. I came back because there was nothing more I could do there for Valdemar."

"They call you Wolfsbane," the third piped up- his voice still the high tenor of a boy.

"What's your name?" Faolan asked him, leaning forward and shoving her plate a bit to make room for her elbows on the table.

"Autumn," he said, looking shy- Faolan suddenly had a feeling that Maemi's little group of friends were the quiet ones.

"A nice name," Faolan informed him with a smile, "And pray none ever dubs you with any other."

No one asked her about being called Wolfsbane after that. The other two Maemi introduced as Micah and Teagan. Micah was the one with black hair, Teagan the one who had first spoken to her. Their chat was small talk after that, skirting around the war, Faolan avoiding talking about and instead inquiring about Maemi's own life in Haven. She felt distant as she did so, like she was moving without conscious control and her soul drifted above her. It was good to get to know Maemi again, but… their conversation had made her withdrawn. She had so many different reactions to her homecoming, but Maemi's had been the saddest. She should have talked to the trainees from the beginning… They knew so little, were so young! And these children were to be the next ones on the front, throwing themselves in front of the arrows and claws of her old friends… As Faolan wrapped up the conversation and headed back to her rooms, she barely noticed the tears slipping down her cheeks.

**A/N: And that's that! Next chapter coming up soon. Any more guesses as to the meaning of 53's title? And thanks muchly muchly to...  
GinaStar- Yup! No Morgan in this chapter though, and only a little in the next. Mwaha... next chapter is fun!  
SwiftShadow- Thank you! I very much appreciate your support!  
LightningStorms- Dunno if it'll ever get that far- if I ever get around to delackeyize it! I have so many novels I'm working on... Maybe I will. I like some of the characters I have in this story a lot.  
StormyPhoenix- :)  
The-Elven-Bookworm- It's good to know if I DO get this published there are people out there who'd want to buy it! Then again, if Eragon can get published and sell, this should be able to also. bashes Eragon  
ginalee- Yah I like Valentine too:)**


	68. Pesterings of Change

"You're wanted, Faolan," Rathmir said, poking her head into the living room area where Faolan sat reading a book by the fire as Maemi and Kayin went over bookwork assigned by their teachers. She was in the Sommer's rooms, per invitation via Rathmir- an invitation that she had pointedly informed Faolan was no longer needed.

"By whom?" Faolan wondered, standing up and setting her book down. Was it Morgan- had something troubled him? Or was there something wrong with Raleigh? A frown arched across her features.

"The Prince," Rathmir said, indicating her head towards the door, "Sent word for you. If you're not busy you're to meet with him now."

Faolan was too surprised to answer, so she just nodded and stepped past Rathmir where a Herald Trainee stood waiting, looking nervous. He swallowed when he saw Faolan and said, "Just follow me, please."

Faolan acquiesced, and quietly followed him through the halls to the room where she had first spoken with Herald-Prince Dante. He was standing, resting his hands lightly on the table in the center of the room. He looked up when Faolan entered, their eyes briefly meeting before Faolan bowed.

"Sit," he said, motioning her down, and taking a seat of his own before the fire. Faolan copied him, feeling slightly tense.

"Faolan Wolfsbane.." he said slowly, "It is time to discuss your future. You are teaching Morgan Derry, and that is quite good. I have also heard of your lifebonded- Raleigh Van den Acker, recovering from a curious fifteen long coma… You are aware of the fact that because he is not a Herald, your Heraldic duties may keep you and him from one another? I don't wish to be cruel, but I wanted to make sure you were aware of that possibility in your future."

"I know," Faolan said quietly, feeling a slight pang in her chest- knowing didn't make it easier.

"Good… then we can move on," he said with a smile, "I also know you are receiving mind healing- an excellent idea for any returning veteran. At this point now, you have several choices, Faolan. You may- if you wish, remain here as a teacher- of werewolves, and of whatever else you feel comfortable with- though if you chose that path recall that you are still young, and instead of teaching may wish to continue learning yourself… Another option is to start taking classes here, with other trainees or privately- the things that you did not learn while here previously. From there, you would be sent on circuit- for even in war Valdemar still needs guiding. You could too, if you so wished, go back to the front, as most other Heralds do. I understand you have friends there… a Christopher Alaska and several others… You would be useful there, for your knowledge of werewolves, Faolan… But… now I must ask you this… of the circumstances in which you left the werewolves. You, while fighting for the werewolves in order to keep their trust, killed a Herald- and then you blocked your Companion. A week past, and then, just after the man I now know is your lifebonded awakens, you opened back up to your Companion, and came home… My first impression, before I was informed of Raleigh Van den Acker, was that you were coming home because of the crime you committed against Valdemar… Tell me true, Faolan- what happened?"

Faolan stared at the Prince, resplendent in formal Whites that marked him as more than just the average Herald. She almost gaped, but managed not to. All that he had said swirled around in her head until she finally realized she had to answer him.

"Uh…" she started with lamely, "Well… I struggled with the fact that I'd killed a Herald and for a while I wished I wasn't one… which is why I blocked Raul. I… I'll never forgive myself for Herald Belar… and I'm not about to shed my Whites either… But I uh… I left because I gained what the werewolves call true control- the reason they fight"- Dante nodded so Faolan didn't bother going into more depth, "But I didn't gain it on the battlefield. I've known that I was lifebonded to Raleigh since before I left, and Raul told me that he had woken up. That stirred in me such powerful emotions that I lost control- the way one is supposed to in order to gain true control, but only on a battlefield. Instead, I ended up murdering… almost my entire fighting group… And that is why I left, sir."

"I understand then, that there is no chance of your going back to the werewolves?" Dante inquired, raising one eyebrow at Faolan and not even blinking at hearing of Faolan's mass murder.

She shook her head, "Very little… I can't imagine they'd forgive my actions… not after they were suspect already by their discovery that I had mindspeech."

"Ah," Dante nodded, and leaned back in his chair, glancing momentarily at the crackling fire, "I was just curious- neither you nor I is seriously entertaining the idea of sending you spying again. I'm sure it will come as a welcome word- you are spy no longer, Herald Faolan. I have given you your new options… do you need time to think of them, or do you know what you wish?"

Faolan shook her head and answered, "Right now… sir… I just want to help Herald Morgan and hope that the war ends soon… Perhaps by teaching Morgan I can delve deeper into the workings of the werewolf Change…"

"If you learn anything that can help us win this war, I've an open ear ready for the craziest suggestions," Dante said with a smile, then a sigh, "I doubt the existence of even one being that wants this war to continue."

Faolan sighed, and stood up as Dante stood up, thinking of the werewolves… out there, fighting… They did not care if the war was won or lost or went on forever, because war was what they lived on. If the war ended- if Karse was finally pushed back behind the borders, or if Valdemar was overwhelmed and destroyed… neither mattered to the werewolves. They would simply break up into their many clans and wander the world once more, sending their young out to fight as mercenaries and welcoming home those that returned with true control, and forgetting those that didn't…

"Thank you, Faolan," Dante said as he saw her out, "And remember- I'm always here for a word of advice from our resident werewolf expert."

"Of course," Faolan said, and gave a slight bow before turning and walking away down the halls, back to the Sommer's rooms. She wondered if Maemi had managed to figure out his class work, and wondered how Morgan would Change this night…

OOO

Faolan found Morgan Derry an hour before the full moon would rise- earlier than they had met the previous two days. She wanted to get him meditating before hand, to get his mindset freer, more relaxed. He was alone, in his rooms, as he often was. She wondered if he had any close friends, or what he spent his days doing, here at Haven, but she never asked. Her job was to train him, not to inquire about his personal life. She doubted he'd appreciate her questions, either- Morgan Derry was a proud man.

She knocked on his door, and he opened, carefully, as usual, peering at her for a moment before letting her in all the way. He gave her a questioning look, then sat down at his desk and waited for her to start talking.

"I was thinking we could do some meditating," Faolan said slowly, looking at him while she spoke to gauge his reaction. He shrugged.

"It'll get you working on what we talked about this morning… about emotions, and letting go. You're a long way from control, and even longer from true control, but you're on the right path, now," Faolan said to him, "I wish we had a giant forest to run around in, where the only things you could hurt are deer and the wild animals, as I did, but I suppose that's not really possible."

"Is the open space better?" Morgan asked, and Faolan almost smiled as she saw a certain glint in his eye- one that spoke of a longing to run, to hunt… to howl to the moon.

"Yes," she said, "It gets rid of the feeling of confinement- no one likes to be locked up."

"All right," Morgan nodded, then stood up, "Should we go to the Room?"

He was speaking of the one they Changed in- the one bare of furniture with a single window that let the moonlight stream in on them as it rose in the sky. Faolan nodded, and led them from his room and down the hallways to a stretch of uninhabited rooms- the Collegium was, like everywhere, sparser in population that in peaceful times. All the Heralds that could be spared were on the front, and the trainees were be trained as quick as possible.

Once in the room, Faolan locked the door and started Morgan on meditating, specifically asking him to concentrate on letting his emotions flow freely- even the ones he would normally suppress or reason himself out of. She wanted him to feel all the rage he'd felt last night- _before_ he was in werewolf form.

While he meditated, Faolan daydreamed, letting her thoughts wander to when she was a trainee, to times with Christopher Alaska, playing his game… To running around the Companion's Field at night, just a puppy, playing tag with Raul under the moonlight. Innocent times. Playful times. Alaska was a powerful foe, out on the front, making nightmares come true for the Karsites and werewolves he encountered, making them see… Faolan paused. Something had clicked in her mind, but she wasn't sure what it was yet- so she went back over her thoughts- then sat up a little straighter.

Maybe… maybe Christopher Alaska could somehow… create an illusion of the sort of scenario that induced true control? Or rather, induced the blood rage that led to true control… Except that the experience was individual to each werewolf. There was little to guide by- except that it often, like with Skylar, involved the death of a friend on the battlefield… And if the one undergoing the experience- the illusion, as her trailing thoughts suggested, knew that what he wasn't real, would it still work? Unless Fao herself could use her Empathy to stir up Morgan's emotions and perhaps pull images from his mind to create some sort of nightmare scenario? She shivered, feeling a cold lump inside her of that thought… it seemed something just short of torture, and unlikely to work. Then again, what every living werewolf today had to suffer through could easily be classified as torture anyway…

But the thought wouldn't leave her mind. It nagged at her as she and Morgan pulled on their wolf skins and as she stalked around Morgan, snarling at him and daring him to start another fight- though he didn't- at least, not on last night's scale. They did tussle a bit, and she could feel the chaotic anger writhing inside him… And when Faolan finally fell asleep in the early hours of the morning, in her own room, she knew she had to write a letter to Alaska- after so many years of wishing for another way she wasn't about to drop the first inkling of an idea she had- no matter how awkward it seemed. Especially when it kept pestering her.

OOO

"I really miss Skylar," Faolan said to Healer Valentine a few days later, as she sat in the House of Healing, peering out a window at the grounds that spread out between the buildings. It was her third meeting with the Healer, and she left each one feeling even better than the last.

"I haven't seen him since I left to go to the front, left the village to go and gain true control," Faolan said, "But he was a great friend. He was the one who took me in, showed me who the werewolves really are… He told me once that we aren't human, because humans have rejected us- he made me wish I wasn't a Herald, that I could just be a werewolf, truly be one of the pack. They're my pack. Maybe the Heralds are another pack… but Skylar and Taryn and Magdalia and Roscoe… they accepted me just because I was one of them… they made me part of their family. I just wish my two families weren't fighting each other on opposite sides of this great and terrible, terrible war…"

Faolan paused, wondering how much she could tell the old Healer, but then deciding that he was the kind of person one could trust with any sort of information, so she took a deep breath and spoke, feeling his magical presence around her, making her relaxed and letting her relive her memories in a way that let them Heal, instead of destroy.

"I remember when I was bitten very clearly," Faolan said, "Because even though I was only three years old, after I was bitten… I wasn't three years old anymore. I can remember my past lives, and that's what's given me the edge to, as a child, be a spy among the werewolves, be a spy for the Heralds of Valdemar… Everything that has happened since that day has seemed inevitable, the way things were meant to be… but I suppose if I had a choice, I'd take back being bitten, and I'd take back being a Herald… I wish, though the Herald in me says this is best, that I spent a cold night in the woods that winter, then found my way to some hunter's cabin and grew up as a normal child- maybe to still be Chosen, maybe not to be… Maybe to find Raleigh again, maybe not to… At the same time, though, I'd never give up those I've found and loved in this life. I'd never give up Raul, Raleigh, Skylar… Rathmir… Christopher Alaska… I'll never give them up…"

**A/N: Ah... it's so sad... this story is coming to an end. I only have seven more chapters planned out... It's been so wonderful writing this story for you guys, hearing your input and comments and communicating with you about my writing. It's been fun... and I shall miss it when this story is over!!! Today's thanks to...  
ginalee- Yeah... gotta have some warm stuff after all the bad stuff... Also the story is wrapping up.  
GinaStar- Yeah- she doesn't hang out much with normal people, does she:)  
The-Elven-Bookworm- Yup! There's so much more I want to add in though... looking back... I think as a non-fanfiction there will be a lot more depth in everything that happens.  
StormyPhoenix- Yeah, I try, but most of what she's doing doesn't really apply to her past lives.  
LightningStorms- Is this quickly enough? I need to get writing on the next chapters... eep!**


	69. The First Snow

It was another week before Faolan got a reply from the letter she wrote to Christopher Alaska. The scribbled words that were in a hand at once unfamiliar and familiar spoke to Faolan of a tired soul, a weary soul. He suggested that Faolan bring Morgan Derry to the front once he had enough control- though not to fight, just so they could be near Christopher Alaska when he wasn't actively fighting. He was intrigued by Faolan's idea of a different way to gain true control, and by the long paragraphs about Gifts and manipulations of them, he was quite eager to find a way to create the illusion Faolan spoke of.

The idea of going to the front repulsed Faolan- she wanted to be no where near the war, but if it meant getting Morgan true control without murder… She'd do almost anything. A few hours after getting the letter, Faolan went to Dante, and told him she wanted to go to the front with Morgan once he had enough control, because she and Christopher Alaska had an idea about gaining true control- one that, if they could work it out, could, presumably, end the war. Faolan hated making such high estimates but she didn't think Dante would let her go otherwise. To her luck, he agreed.

However, Morgan had to gain that control before they went, and she figured she'd need a few months for that, and that was only if she made him Change on days that weren't the full moon. And she definitely wouldn't mind spending more time with Raleigh- for that matter, she didn't particularly _want_ to go the Front at all, except for the sake of Morgan and to see Christopher Alaska again.

The months passed by quicker than Faolan could have ever imagined.

OOO

"_Herald Faolan, you may now rise as Herald Faolan Sommer," the Priest said, and Faolan stood up, resplendent in formal Whites. William, Rathmir, Maemi, and Kayin all stood behind her, and when Faolan turned around she met their grins with an identical one of her own. _

"_Welcome to the family," Rathmir said and the five of them fell into a large group embrace. _

_Faolan thought she'd never felt so happy… And some day, her last name would change again. Faolan Van den Acker… _

OOO

"_That's it! Hold it Morgan!" Faolan shouted as the large black werewolf drew his anger through him, let it flow out, then relaxed. His entire body lost its tension and he relaxed, sitting down on his haunches to peer at Faolan, his eyes glittering with elation. He'd probably be able to stay calm for the rest of the time he was in werewolf form- but the next time it'd take a while to settle down again. Especially since what incited the Change best when it wasn't the full moon was powerful emotion. Morgan certainly didn't lack for powerful emotions- not after all he'd been through. What Faolan wanted now was for that powerful emotion to be joy instead of anger or grief. For joy would truly release his spirit in wolf form, let the Change be a gift instead of a torture. _

"_Change back now," Faolan instructed him, shifting herself a bit to get comfortable in her sitting position on the stone floor of Morgan's Changing room. He obeyed her, and she gently averted her eyes as he pulled his clothing on again. _

"_That was excellent," Faolan said with a smile, "You've really come along. A lot quicker than I did… though I suppose my first training had a different goal in mind- one of submission, of pushing away all emotion instead of letting it be."_

"_It's… been hard," Morgan agreed, "The human instinct is to drive away that powerful rage and hide the grief… To be werewolf means confronting one's emotion, and people often aren't very good at that in this world. Instead of pushing it away… it just runs its course."_

"_Exactly," Faolan said with a smile, "I couldn't have put it better myself. I think next full moon you and I might go for a run in the Companion's Field… How about it?"_

_Morgan glanced at her sharply, and she saw a whisper of fear in his eyes, but it quickly disappeared and he nodded, "All right."_

"_You won't bite anyone, Morgan," she assured him, "I am confident of that. Your first Changes were overwhelmed with anger- in there was the danger. No longer. Anger is there, but you won't direct it at any humans… You know… my old teacher, a werewolf named Skylar… he once told me we weren't human, because they'd rejected us. He said we were werewolves, not humans… He wasn't a born werewolf… like you and I. If I hadn't been a Herald I would have believed him because so much of what that means is true. Most people don't consider werewolves human, they hunt them down, kill them like wild animals… I want that to change in Valdemar, Morgan. I think we could do it to- if this war ever ends…"_

"_You think you will find the answer with your friend, Christopher Alaska?" Morgan inquired softly, though they'd been over it before._

"_Maybe," Faolan whispered, looking at the floor between them, "If you can gain true control without murder, then yes. But that is a very big if. Very big."_

OOO

"_You do not need to see me anymore, Herald Faolan," Healer Valentine said, clasping Faolan's shoulder as he walked her out of the House of Healing. Fao glanced over at him, wondering if he was going to say anymore. He was._

"_I have heard a lot of tales that were difficult to tell and hear, but none has been stranger than yours, Faolan," the old Healer said, giving Faolan a smile from beneath twinkling eyes, "But that is Heralds for you, I suppose. Once you almost have them defined as normal in your mind then along comes one to show you just how odd they can get!"_

_Faolan smiled at him, pausing as they passed through the main entrance to the House of Healing and stood out in the cold of the coming winter, and informed him, "I usually can't comprehend it myself."_

"_I think I'm glad I don't remember my past lives," Valentine said thoughtfully, looking up at the cold blue sky, "I think it would confuse me too much."_

"_You probably never will," Faolan said with a sigh, wondering what it would be like to be an Empath Healer. She had Empathy, but she didn't use it to Heal as a Healer did… She just used it whenever it came in handy. Healer Valentine was the only one, aside from Raul, Rolan and Raleigh that knew the entire story in its full truth and it was comforting to have someone that was almost entirely normal to know it, and accept her as she was. _

"_You're a wonderful person," Faolan informed the Healer, then hugged him, "Thank you for helping me."_

"_You've been a pleasure to help," Valentine answered, hugging her back, then shaking her hand, "Good luck, Herald."_

OOO

_Raleigh laughed, and Faolan turned, her tongue lolling out as she perked her ears towards him curiously. He was leaning on a cane, bundled up in warm furs as his breath steamed out in front of him from the late autumn/early winter chill. A dead garden hung around them, looking forlorn and empty but beautiful anyway. Raleigh was laughing at Faolan's exuberance in wolf form as she chased winter sparrows for his amusement. She almost caught a few too- except that she didn't think Raleigh would appreciate watching her gobble down a small bird, nor would the gardeners appreciate the blood. And she didn't need the meat, though sometimes she wished the kitchens cooked theirs a little more rare. _

_She stopped her bird chasing and padded across the cold stones to the healing man, pressing her nose into the gloved hand that did not rest heavily on the cane. His fingers ran up her face and buried into the thick fur on her back, stroking her gently. Faolan sat down and leaned against him, just enough to half support him, rather than burden him._

_:I think I'll go Change back in a moment,: she told him, speaking into his mind:As much as I enjoy my wolf form I'd like to join you for dinner and half fingers to be able to eat with.:_

"_You could use your tongue," Raleigh pointed out with a grin, looking down at Faolan with his soft brown eyes._

_:And eat what? Salad?: she grinned wolfishly at him:I'm afraid I only like large, extremely undercooked meat while in wolf form.:_

"_I'm sure we could arrange for that…" Raleigh teased, glancing up at the cloudy gray sky. _

_:One would almost think you WANT me in wolf form,: Faolan accused:I was under the impression when I was Carry-:_

_Raleigh cut her short with a laugh and a shove with his fingers, looking down at her again, and said, "Don't be silly, Faolan, of course I want you in human form. All I meant was that if you want to stay as a wolf, we can still have dinner together."_

_:I know,: Faolan answered, gazing up at him with yellow wolf eyes:I was just teasing you.:_

"_I know," Raleigh answered, "I was playing along."_

OOO

_The moon hung full and heavy, peaking through the thick white clouds that had sneaked in around sunset. It shone above the two werewolves as they stalked through the dark trees in the Companion's Field, frost dusted grass crunching beneath their paws. The night was almost through, and the moon was sinking towards the horizon. The larger werewolf, entirely black, moved slightly ahead of the other, his body betraying a tense sort of excitement as he inhaled the world through all his senses. _

_:It's wonderful, isn't it?: Faolan inquired into Morgan Derry's head. He couldn't answer- he didn't have either of the forms of telepathy. Faolan recalled him mentioning he had Fetching, but she wasn't sure. It had never really mattered in their context. _

_However, Morgan did pause and glance back, giving her an acknowledging nod then stopped. His nose twitched and Faolan sensed something within him- a purely werewolf desire. She came to stand beside him, the pointed her nose at the moon and let out a ghostly, eerie howl that echoed across the Collegia. Morgan answered her, adding his voice to hers. It made Faolan want to run from Haven into the wilds, just be a wolf forever, rejoicing in the wonders of the form. It made her want to laugh and cry at the same time because while it made her happy, it also reminded her of the werewolves she had lost in the war- of Skylar, Taryn, Roscoe… Those she could never return to. Those who had first taught her to howl. _

_When they were done, Faolan felt something cold touch her nose, and she looked up to realize it had begun to snow. As she and Morgan padded across the Companion's Field, past the some suspicious, some curious blue eyed glances of Companions, their paws began to step on a white layer of snow. She ignored most of the Companions and continued on to the Companion's Stable, where Raul and Genevieve waited in a warm stall. There they guarded two sets of warm whites that had been stripped when the moon's call gripped them. _

_As dawn came and the moon sunk away, Faolan and Morgan slipped back into human form and donned their human clothing. Human again. For one more day. Faolan looked over at Morgan, caught his human gaze._

"_I think it's time to go," she said, resting a hand on Raul._

**A/N: A little different, that chapter. I jumped around a bit, trying to convey the three months in a series of flashes instead of writing it all out, which would have been a little boring, I think. Well anyway, thanks for reading and thanks to those who reviewed the last chapter!  
StormyPhoenix- Chugging! Woot! Well I shall have to write fast to get Chapter 70 finished in four or five days! As for stretching things out, that's why this chapter was like that. To stop blah blah. :)  
ginalee- I don't think I will be writing anything more about Faolan once this story is done but I definitely have some new Mercedes Lackey stories that I'm working on/will be working on. Summaries are found on my profile of all upcoming stories.  
The-Elven-Bookworm- Mwahaha.  
LightningStorms- Same comment as above. :)  
GinaStar- Yeah... as you see she has a LITTLE of that from Valentine in this chapter...  
SwiftShadow- Sometimes it is good to stay away from the computer- realize it is possible to live without the internet. ;)  
**


	70. Never End

Icy rain splattered against the window and Faolan shivered, feeling damp. She looked over at Raleigh as he poked by the fireplace, muttering curses about wet fuel and expressing a general dislike of city living. He was dressed now more as Faolan remembered him- and he was letting his hair grow out again. It was almost down to his ears now, and getting pretty shaggy.

The House of Healing had released him with a clean bill of health and a few incredulous stares at this fact. Raleigh declined a place in the palace barracks but had taken the gold the crown offered him with open arms, and immediately set about finding a room in Haven. When Faolan inquired as to why he didn't just go out and start being a hunter again, he answered that he wanted to get used to living normally again. Faolan suspected he was just waiting for the war to end, waiting for Faolan to come home again so they could figure out where to point their lives… if the war ended. If Faolan came back.

"Ah hah!" Raleigh said, leaning back onto his heels to watch as a small flame quickly ate up to the small twigs he had placed there and started latching onto the larger logs, "Fifteen years asleep hasn't made me lose any of my good woodsman skills!"

Faolan chuckled and moved over to kneel down behind him, leaning her chin on his shoulder as she peered at the fire. Then she wrapped her arms around him and said, "You'll fare well. You're a survivor. We both are."

"In truth, dear Faolan, I must point out that you didn't survive," Raleigh pointed out, turning his head to kiss her on the cheek, his eyes sparkling- but Faolan could see the sadness behind them.

"I don't want to go," she whispered, snuggling closer to him.

"I don't want you to go," Raleigh answered, standing up and pulling Faolan up with him. He peered around his new home, inspecting it once more dubiously. It was small, but well kept up. None of the cold rain outside was getting in, and with the fire burning it was starting to warm up a bit. There was a single bed under the window and a dresser beside it. On the other side of the room, closer to the door, was a desk and bookshelf. It felt empty, but Faolan knew once she returned it would have Raleigh's mark all over it. If she returned. She shoved that thought away and turned to embrace Raleigh, pressing herself against his chest and inhaling his scent.

"I love you," she whispered to him, "I'll come back for you."

"I love you too, Faolan," he answered, rubbing his nose against her hair, "My fire haired Herald…"

Then Faolan was crying, sobbing in Raleigh's arms. He led them over to his bed and they sat down on the hard mattress. In a moment Fao heard a low sob, and realized Raleigh was crying too. She pulled back from him and met his gaze- tears to tears.

"It's too soon," Raleigh whispered, "I've just got you back and now you're going… going to war again. To that thrice damned war. I don't want to lose you to it again."

"You won't lose me," Faolan said fiercely, though she wasn't entirely sure of that herself. As much as she didn't want to go, didn't want to go to the blood and anger and fighting again… a part of her did want to go. A part of her that called out for werewolves, that wanted to see them again, find her friends and run through the wild woods again.

Raleigh kissed her then, and the two of them fell silent, needing no more words to communicate their feelings. A while later Faolan rode back to the Collegia, hiding under a thick cloak as the rain pounded into her back and dripped down Raul's sides. Faolan, so used to loneliness, had grown used to the feeling of friends all about her, but leaving Raleigh made that old loneliness swamped over her again. As she and Raul made their way home, Fao felt the Companion wrap her in warm mental arms, comforting, reassuring…

_:Thank you Raul,:_ she said to the Companion.

OOO

The next morning found Faolan and Morgan riding off into a cold, bright morning. The rain from the day before was gone- the only sign it had been there a dripping city and cold steam rising from houses as the sun warmed everything up. Faolan had said her goodbyes to the Sommers the evening before, and no one had seen them off. She preferred it that way. It made it easier. She didn't know if Morgan had said goodbye to anyone- if there was anyone he needed to say goodbye to. They didn't talk much about their personal lives. It wasn't what connected them.

The streets were already starting to fill with people moving around on their errands, breath steaming from their noses and mouths as they moved. Faolan realized with a pang that she would miss the Midwinter festival… Not that she had celebrated the last couple of years. Werewolves held little to yearly celebrations. Theirs was a calendar of the month. They passed a few uniformed members of the Guard, and nodded to them as they passed.

It wasn't long before they were out into the countryside, and Faolan realized as a deep part of her relaxed that she had missed the open spaces, where one could run and run and run. The Companion's Field was a wonderful piece of grass and forest in a sea of buildings but it wasn't the same… She sighed, deeply inhaling the fresh country air, ignoring the cold as it burned down her throat.

They rode all day, and by the end, she wasn't enjoying the cold so much. She was sorely tempted to grow fur, but even with the war, even with winter, there were still travelers on the road, and Faolan wasn't sure _all_ of Valdemar was ready to accept werewolves in their midst. Raul agreed, and so Faolan was cold. She and Morgan slept in an Inn that night, as they did the entire way to the war front. They weren't on Circuit, so there was no need for the Waystations. It was odd, to stay at Inns. Faolan hadn't done it in such a long time…

She and Morgan talked little on their journey. When they did, it was about being werewolves. It was about the war. Morgan was very curious about the 'other' werewolves, as he called them, and so much of their talking was Faolan telling him the rites and customs of the werewolves she had grown up among. It made her sad, while she did so because those customs were no longer her own… Morgan was her only pack. And there was no way she could go back, even when she was going back to the front.

It took them a little over a week to reach the Queen's encampment, where Christopher Alaska was stationed, and said he would meet them. In the winter, the trees were all bare, and as they rode into the sprawling camp, with the smoke of cook fires creating a haze above the tents, it looked… desolate. They were far enough from the main fighting that there wasn't that tense edge from not knowing when the next attack was coming, but the faces of the soldiers they passed were downcast and mournful. Morgan mostly ignored it- after all, this is where he had been fighting from. But Faolan… she hadn't been into a Valdemaren war camp since Carry Rolf.

It was familiar yet so strikingly strange at the same time. It was neat and organized, all the soldiers wore uniforms, albeit some old and stained ones, the tents were ordered in very neat, straight rows and all were exactly the same make. The soldiers were older, with the demeanor of those trained all their lives to do battle. The werewolves, by contrast, were so rough and tumble… The other difference was horses. They passed several staked lines of horses, all snorting and stamping, breathing out white breath and watching them pass with curious eyes and shaggy coats.

They were directed to the camp manager- a man who wore the uniform of the guard but had the air of a trader, a businessman. He was a nervous, fidgety man, and directed them to several large, spacious tents that were given to Heralds. Alongside was another high tent, bedded down with straw, where Raul and Genevieve were to stay. Inside were already a few Companions, one which Faolan immediately recognized as Noland, Alaska's companion. There they stopped, dismounting and untacking their Companions to rest after the long day's ride. They carried their things to their new tents, and then Faolan, leaving Morgan in his tent, went off to find Christopher Alaska.

She found him inside his tent, sitting on a cot alone. He was not the Christopher Alaska she remembered. Gone was the soft looking boy- this Alaska was a man, and he was skinner than he had been before. He was more worn looking, and there was a trace of stubble on his cheeks- he'd been too young for stubble back when Fao knew him before.

As Faolan entered he looked up, and she saw his eyes were the same. Soft blue- and they were still soft, still sort of distant/other worldly. A smile crossed his face as he recognized her.

"Faolan," he said quietly, his voice deeper but otherwise the same, "I was wondering when you'd get here."

"Yeah," she said, stepping further in and pausing, wondering whether she should hug him or sit down or…

But Christopher Alaska answered that, as he stood up as much as he could in the low tent and pulled her into a tight embrace. When they pulled away, he was still smiling. She smiled back at him, then fingered the necklace she still wore around her neck. His eyes followed her hand, and the smile broadened as he saw what her fingers brushed against, though he made no comment.

"Come," he said, "Sit down. I suppose you're probably used to the cold, having been living on the front for more years than I… But I suppose we'll get into that later. How have you been? You've grown so much… I knew you were fourteen but somehow I still imagined you to as you were when you left… short, still a child…"

"And I still imagined you as you were," Faolan answered with a grin, "Short, still a thirteen year old."

"Time is funny like that," Alaska said, turning his gaze from Faolan and sitting down. Faolan copied him.

"I've missed you," Faolan finally said a moment later, when the silence threatened to swamp over them. She didn't want things to be awkward between them… not after having been so close when they were children.

"And I you," Alaska answered, turning his gaze upon her once more. He then sighed, and added, "I've wondered what it was like for you to be a spy… at your age… But you did okay. I knew you would of course… You're… not the same as everyone else."

Then he winked and Faolan stared at him, momentarily confused- she hadn't told Alaska, had she? But then she remembered how perceptive he was- he had known she was a werewolf long before she told anyone…

"I guess not," Faolan answered, giving him a smile, and said, "It didn't feel like spying, truth be told. I heard tales of you, among the werewolves. They call you the Dreamer, because you make nightmares come true."

Alaska sighed and wrung his hands suddenly, looking down at his feet as he answered in monotone, "Just what I always wanted…"

"No one wants war, Christopher," Faolan said, "Don't worry… with the idea that's poking around in my head maybe it'll be over soon!"

"Somehow I doubt it," Alaska answered, shaking his head, and then announced, "This war will never end."

**A/N: Harry Potter 7 comes out tomorrow!!!!!!!!!!!! Woot:) Okay, anyway... thanks for reading this chapter! I hope it wasn't too fast or skippy or anything... For those who reviewed the last chapter, special thanks!  
GinaStar- Hugs are always good. And everyone needs hugs. Hugs:)  
Stormy Phoenix- What I meant, sorry, was that she as a wolf was submissive- her wolf self submitted, became subdued and repressed. But I believe I already explained that to you.  
cosmicfalcon- Wow, I'm glad you think so! Thanks!  
LightningStorms- Well I just added one more chapter to my layout... The last one is seventy-six. Eep. Only six more to go!  
ginalee-Yup. It is quite fun to write him again. He's one of my favorite characters ever.  
SwiftShadow- There is something wonderfully delicious about fanfiction, I must agree. :)  
**

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**


	71. Anger Embodied

It was late evening when Faolan and Christopher Alaska were ready to start discussing Morgan Derry. Faolan had finished telling Alaska everything that had unfolded in her time with the werewolves a few hours ago. He had listened quietly for the most part, made only a few comments on certain situations. As for Faolan, it had been as easy as telling a story. She'd told enough people that it was no longer the emotional outpouring it had been… or maybe it was distant enough now, months later. It hurt to think that she might already be getting past missing the werewolves.

Then he told her about the other side of the war- the Valdemaren side. He told her how terrifying his Gift was, how powerful it was. Though its power came not from a particular strength in magic on Alaska's side, but on what it employed.

"It is at once terrifying and exhilarating to create an illusion in the minds of fifty soldiers, all charging at you with the intent to kill- and watch them stop as they see monsters crawl out of the ground. I've watched them drop their weapons and run, terrified, as they feel the hot, steaming breath of a demon running them down. To those who fight along side me, Valdemaren soldiers, they see nothing. All _they_ see is their enemy take one look at me and run screaming. I don't even have to lift a finger," Alaska said as he lay on his cot, staring at the ceiling of the tent while Faolan sat on the floor, watching him.

"And now we come to Morgan Derry," Faolan said softly with a yawn.

"Yes," Alaska said, turning his gaze onto Faolan, "The second werewolf Herald. He's not the only one who's been bitten, you know. Just the only Herald. We've had several soldiers come through, ready to kill themselves rather than become werewolves. They wait until the full moon, just to make sure. Then, when fur starts sprouting on their arms, they get a knife across their throat. We don't have a place to keep uncontrollable werewolves. Most bitten kill themselves right away, or have a comrade kill them. Only some play their chances and wait. And we certainly don't want them joining the enemy- not that they want to."

Faolan stared at him, then said, "I suppose we better get to work on Morgan Derry then."

"Agreed," Alaska said, and pulled himself up into a sitting position, leaning forward to face Faolan.

"He has enough control to Change in the open," Faolan ascertained, "Else wise we'd not be here, of course. He has the control of a young werewolf, wild and passionate but not dangerous- quite. He still hasn't passed the line of true control, and until he doesn't there always a chance he could go on a killing rage, succumb to the passionate emotions werewolves are known for and hurt someone… many someones… As I've described to you, the only way the werewolves know to solve this is to force a wild passion through war."

"But that is not necessarily the _only_ way," Alaska nodded, thoughtfully, "Because all we need to do is get him to a breaking point… War is only one way. If I could create an illusion of war, or of some other powerful image or situation tuned to him personally…"

"But it has to be real," Faolan pointed out, "If he knows what he sees is not real… Would it still work?"

"Maybe not," Alaska shrugged, "But maybe it will. You have not seen my illusions in a long while, Faolan… Sometimes the senses overwhelm logic. We may tell Morgan that what he sees is not happening, but when you smell the smoke burning in your nostrils it can be hard to deny it as truth. However… how much does he know about your plan?"

"Not much," Faolan shook her head, "Because there isn't much to it."

"Then we could surprise him," Alaska said, "Start the illusion while he sleeps. He need not know until it's over."

"But what if the illusion doesn't work? Doesn't induce him to gain true control? Then it would just be torture… and might not work again," Faolan pointed out, "Gaining true control is always an emotionally charged experience, it can take weeks to recover… Only the strong in werewolves survive."

"Morgan Derry is a Herald," Alaska pointed out, "I think he'll be able to handle it. We shall just have to be very careful. We'll make up several scenarios for me to create, based on his own personal fears and more general ones. You have Mindspeech, so you can take images from his mind- with his permission of course, and transfer them to me."

Faolan frowned at that- her experience with Dashiell made her very reluctant to delve into other's minds. She didn't want what happened to her to happen to anyone else.

Alaska read what was on her face and said, "Part of mind speech is reading minds, Faolan… You won't need to dig into his mind, just have Morgan visualize his fears or whatever and you can just read that."

Faolan nodded and said, "You're right. That shouldn't be too hard. Still… this makes me feel guilty. In order to give him true control we'll have to manipulate him severely. I'm not sure we have the right to do that."

"It's better than murder, Faolan," Alaska pointed out, "By following the werewolves' path we'd put him in wolf form, toss him out onto the bloodiest part of the front line with all his best buddies beside him, and hope he gets made enough to go into a true killing rage. Most likely this would be because he sees one of his friends murdered- then again, he's a Herald, and used to such stresses, so even that might not be enough. So we have to murder _all_ his comrades, and then put him on the brink of death to induce this rage in him. So he escapes, and gains this true control, so we now know he is trustworthy as a werewolf. However, we've lost all his friends, valuable soldiers and Heralds, and he is totally broken about this… Does this scenario make sense to you? If we're to accept werewolves into Valdemar, we'd have to do that to _every single werewolf_, and not just the Herald ones. The only other alternative is killing werewolves, which is what we've been doing until Morgan Derry. And he was only saved because you were back from the front, and there was a chance for him."

Faolan nodded and answered, "I know… I know…"

"So let's get our heads together and think then," Alaska said, "I need you to describe every true control scenario you know. We need to work out what the most powerful emotions for true control are, and how to make a neat lead up to them. We don't want to mess around with Morgan Derry, we want to get it right the first time…"

OOO

They did it three days later. Faolan had been careful not to tell Morgan too much of what they were doing- so that when they did it, his feelings would be real because he believed it to be real. She did get his permission though to do whatever she needed, and she hoped he felt that included reading his mind. It started out with Faolan taking Morgan, with the excuse that they were going to do some more practice in werewolf forms before attempting to get him true control, out into the woods where there was a small cave. Alaska remained hidden outside of the cave, and Faolan went inside with Morgan, making sure she was in between him and the door.

They started by sitting down, and Faolan told him that as part of a mental exercise, she wanted him to think of the worst moments in his life, and the things that most powerfully affected him- and know that upon thinking of them, he'd probably turn into a werewolf. She told him to accept that, and let the Change come, but keep thinking about those moments. Morgan only nodded, taking a deep breath, and Faolan felt a moment of guilt- the only reason he believed her was because she was the only one who really knew anything about werewolves. She probably could have said anything, and he'd believe her…

As Morgan Derry settled into a meditative like state, and starting pulling up his memories, Faolan opened her mind, dropping her Shields. She reached out towards Morgan, and visions started moving across her mind, crossed with words and splashes of emotion. She immediately reached out again, and found Christopher Alaska, then channeled the images into his mind. She was too busy being a human channel to think on what she was seeing- she left that to Christopher Alaska. In a few moments Faolan- her eyes still open, saw tears running down Morgan's cheeks and she knew the werewolf inside of him had taken hold. Indeed, she could see his shape changing, and hair was growing thicker on the visible parts of his body. Faolan started the Change within herself as well- as a human there would be no way she could truly defend herself against Morgan, once he crossed that line. But as wolf… she hoped she'd be able to protect herself _and_ keep Morgan from leaving the cave.

Once she was fully a werewolf, she stood up and positioned herself carefully in front of the cave entrance- a tilted jumble of rocks with an opening just wide enough for one human to pass through. The inner cave wasn't much better- it dwindled down to nothing within eight feet and one could just barely stand upon inside, though the floor was roomy, because of the slanting of the rocks.

She watched him, images still flying through her mind, until he suddenly stiffened, and his thoughts changed subtly. Faolan withdrew from both of the minds near her, knowing that this was the beginning. Alaska had started his Illusions.

Morgan, sitting in wolf form, opened his eyes and stared directly at Faolan. His gaze was dark and haunted and Faolan glanced over her shoulder, even though she knew Morgan was looking at one of Alaska's Illusions. She hadn't put her Shields up, and while watching Morgan, she felt a deep, deep sorrow that spoke of an old wound opened up. An image flashed through her mind, and she knew Morgan must think he was still meditating- for what he saw was a burning building, flames licking him into the sky with a devilish hunger. Then she heard it too- the screams of people trapped within those flames, and despair overwhelmed her.

With a shake of her head she pulled back from Morgan- the despair was his, not hers. She let out a low growl and shifted her position, watching Morgan intently. But now the mood had changed, she could sense it in Morgan. He stood up abruptly with a snarl, his eyes moving quickly back and forth in Faolan's direction. There was a flash through her mind, and to her horror she saw herself- still in human form, with an arrow protruding out of her chest, the pointing sticking out near her collarbone, and black fletching sticking out of her back. Morgan leapt- obviously intending to attack her 'attacker', and Faolan braced herself to stop him- but right before he met her, he fell back with a yelp.

When he stood up, he snarled, and his gaze moved back and forth again. He growled, and leapt to his find, snarling and backing up slowly…

"_Come to join us... Herald?" a low, dark voice asked, his tone drawling. A few more soldiers crept into the cave- much larger than Faolan recalled it, and formed a half circle around Morgan, blocking him from the entrance. They were dressed in an odd assortment of clothes, all of it old, dirty, and bloodstained. Unwashed faces with leering grins stared down at Morgan. _

_:No! Never!:__Faolan could hear Morgan shouting his head- but those around him didn't hear, because it was _only_ in Morgan's head. _

"_You're one of us now…" another werewolf sneered, "One of us now…"_

_There was a high, piercing neigh and Faolan saw outside the cave now, where a shining white Companion, wearing no tack, was rearing up, her hooves slashing at attackers. It was Genevieve. She watched, and saw a slash of red suddenly appear on the Companion's side as one of the many werewolves pulled back a knife that was dripping in blood._

_:NO!: Morgan shouted, and now she could only see Genevieve in the background, as Morgan leapt at the werewolves closest to the door. _

Faolan met his claws in midair and avoided his jaws as they snapped together centimeters from her face. Her back paws scrabbled on stone as he pushed at her, his teeth darting towards her every moment. Faolan wasn't sure how long she could hold him back until-

_Morgan saw the knife coming out of the corner of his eye, but it was too late. The blade sunk deep into his side, and he felt an excruciating pain flood through his body. He fell back from the werewolves, landing onto the stones of the floor, gasping. There was a laugh, and through the legs of the werewolves he saw Genevieve fall, her white coat spattered with blood as a dozen half Changed werewolves crawled over her, hiding her from view. Faolan felt rage spread through him as he leapt to his feet again, heedless of the blood dripping down his side from the wound…_

This time Faolan watched as Morgan did battle in midair. He leapt and ducked and slammed into the rocks around him- causing a few _real_ wounds but none that were deep, or serious. He never came near Faolan, but was always leaping towards her. His growls were deep, and Faolan could feel the anger pulsing through him. It was good, and it was a dark anger, built up from the raw emotions he'd been forced through before the Illusions began, then reinforced by the image Alaska had shown in him clarity- the burning house. But he had not yet lost control.

"_Stop fighting us!" the last unchanged werewolf growled, "Look around you! Who wears fur but us? Leave your old life behind and be free! Run through the wild woods, take down any prey- any enemy! Take what you want and obey no one's orders!"_

Morgan didn't answer in his mind, the words only incited more rage in him, as they were meant to. She got a few more glimpses of the battle he was seeing outside the cave, of swarms of werewolves overwhelming Valdemaren soldiers, of the high neigh of Companions, white and white with Heralds upon their backs. But she didn't pay attention to the images anymore, because her Empathy sensed something else. His anger was reaching a pitch, a high point, where it could go no farther without wrenching itself loose of human confines. Inside Faolan she felt herself saying, _No! No farther! You know what happens that far! IT ISN'T HUMAN! _But Morgan had no such voice inside him, no such powerful conviction… because he had never crossed that line, let his anger loose, lost his sense of human self. She felt fear within herself, because she had never seen, never felt someone gain true control, and with this outsiders standpoint, from the standpoint of one who had already crossed that line, she knew what was on the other side- and she was afraid. She was afraid of Morgan. Can we really control him, she wondered? Once he crosses, can we really stop him? She was on the brink of telling Alaska to stop, to stop because it was too dangerous but then-

_Through glimpses between the werewolves that kept coming through the cave, intent on killing him, there was a certain Herald- one that caught Morgan's eyes, caught his mind. He moved, fought, almost automatically for he could not tear his eyes away from her. Then, moving so fast he didn't even see it leapt, there was a werewolf leaping onto her Companion's saddle, claws scrabbling and jaws closing around her throat. Blood spurted, there was a scream, a high, terrible scream that rose above all the other sounds of battle. Morgan paused, and because of his momentary hesitation he was driven to the ground, to the rocks. Then, because he was still watching the battle, he saw another Herald, a man, screaming, his face wild as he swung his sword around his Companion, running it through werewolves as they clawed and fought around him._

Faolan felt Morgan reach the point of no return and to her surprise she felt him hesitate, as if he knew the line was there. It last no more than a billionth of a second, but it was there. Then he fell. Faolan felt Morgan Derry leave completely, and in his place was a monster. A monster seeing the world through red, a monster that _lived_ on anger, pain, fear, and unhappiness, feeding off of it like a giant leech. Faolan stared at the large black werewolf standing before her, in the little cave that truly had no werewolves but them inside, and realized she was looking at an abomination of human thought and mind. _Is this what we can do? This is what we can turn into, if the situation forces it? _She knew then, with a shiver of horror, that it was not just a werewolf that could reach this point- but few without the gift- the curse? of werewolf form, of werewolf emotions, were ever able to reach that point. _And werewolves reached it regularly_. She looked at Morgan Derry, and realized with a second shock that he was feeling absolutely nothing. All emotion had left him because no longer was he _feeling_ anger, he _was_ anger.

He leapt at Faolan, and she felt Alaska's Illusions swirling around him, barely able to keep up with the madness of his mind. Seeing him coming, seeing the glazed look in his eyes, Faolan wanted nothing more than to leapt out of his way and let him run off into the woods, away from her- but towards others. So she stood her ground.

When he met her, the force of his leap pushed them both outside the cave and there they rolled over the ground, clawing and biting each other- Faolan for her life. Suddenly she was thrown to the side and hit the ground hard. She leapt up, bristling, but Morgan had turned away from her. He was standing, staring at the woods, and Faolan had no idea what he was seeing. Then he collapsed, and Faolan looked up to see Genevieve was galloping through the woods, towards them, and she slid to a halt before Morgan. He stared up at her, and Faolan knew he was seeing her for what she actually was. Then he collapsed.

**A/N: Whew... I just finished writing that! I hope I shall be able to write chapter seventy-two in time to get it up properly... I have been quite busy lately. I will TRY and get 72 up by Monday but if I can't it may not be up until... August 6th at the earliest. Just giving you a heads up. Anyway, thanks to those who reviewed the last chapter!  
GinaStar- Not submissive as in to others- it was submissive to Faolan, when she first fought to control herself. :)  
SwiftShadow- Did you get your Harry Potter book yet? I finished it last Sunday... SO GOOD:) Thanks for reviewing!  
Stormy Phoenix- Yeah... hmm that's true. Though no one's in the mood for exuberance.  
LightningStorms- I agree. :)  
ginalee- Woot! Back to intensity! ;)  
balecka92- He's just depressed. :)  
**


	72. True Control

"Faolan- something weird happened," Christopher Alaska said as they stood outside the Healer's tent as Morgan Derry was poked over and made sure he was all right.

He was- Faolan knew that all right. He was just exhausted and had a few cuts and bruises from accidentally running into the cave walls. Faolan and Alaska had to pull him up onto Genevieve once it was over- he was unconscious almost right away. Personally, she was glad _she_ had some time to recover before speaking to her pupil. She didn't _think_ he'd be angry at her for throwing true control on him but… it would be good to give him some time to let his emotions settle. His body was already doing that for him to some extent by putting him to sleep.

Faolan glanced over at Alaska and raised an eyebrow and said, "What- you're an Empath too, now?"

The older Herald only frowned at her, looking puzzled, as he shook his head and said, "No- I meant in the illusions I created."

"Oh," Faolan answered, crossing her arms and glancing into the large tent, where Morgan Derry lay sound asleep in a cot, his Companion standing beside him with her nose resting lightly on his chest.

Then she turned back to Christopher Alaska and said, "Because I noticed something weird too. But tell me yours first."

"How much of the illusions did you see? Did you see the woman Herald that appeared? And then the man?" Alaska asked, "They were the two things that really pushed him- I think… you're the Empath though- what do you think?"  
Faolan rolled the memories over in her head, then nodded, "Yes… I think it was. Who was she?"

"I don't know," Alaska said and Faolan gave him a sharp look, and he added on, "I didn't create her- or him. They both appeared well into the illusions. I think… I think Morgan Derry put them there. They look familiar- I think I've seen the woman a few times, but I don't know what she was doing there."

"What?" Faolan said, confused, "But he doesn't have your Gift… does he?"

"No," Alaska shook his head, "Definitely not… but the powers of the unconscious mind… Then again, those two were not in the memories you channeled me from Morgan though. If they weren't connected to powerful emotions… then why did they appear?"

Faolan sat down on the ground, folding her legs and putting her chin on her hands with a frown, and finally she said, "Maybe he was suppressing them. Maybe they were connected to such powerful emotions that when I told him to think of powerfully affecting things… he didn't think of them. Because they were too much… His emotions were running extremely high during the illusions- when the woman appeared his attention focused on her, and after she was killed and the man appeared they were pushed to a peak, and he went over…"

"That still doesn't explain what they were doing in my illusions," Alaska said, "So they were the missing piece to forcing Derry to gain true control- but we didn't know about them… Faolan- do you realize this means that it's hardly true to say we gave him true control? Without them- would he have gained it? If not then he did it himself. He gave himself true control."  
"Are you saying he put them there? In your illusions? You said he doesn't have your Gift though…" Faolan trailed off, looking up at Christopher Alaska.

He sat down too, then, and frowned into the distance, then finally said, "What did YOU notice that was weird?"

"Right before he lost total control," Faolan began, "He hesitated. His emotions were at boiling point, and he was ready to go over that invisible line that true control teaches you to see… but it was like he already knew it was there and just didn't care, because he went over anyway."

Christopher Alaska's blue eyes gazed at Faolan as he said slowly, "Do… do you think it's possible he already gained true control? Somewhere, somehow that you didn't know about?"

"Not possible," Faolan shook her head, remembering the state Morgan Derry was in when she met him, "Besides- if he had, that whole thing wouldn't have worked. He _wouldn't_ have gone over again… Because that's the whole point…"

"Are you _sure_ of that?" Alaska asked slowly, his eyes very intense and focused, "What if true control just shows you the line- and doesn't stop you from going over again? Maybe true control isn't as foolproof as you've thought."  
"No," Faolan shook her head, "You don't go over again. Never again. Not once you've experienced it. There are no records of a werewolf ever losing control once gaining true control, either."

"Morgan Derry is a Herald, though," Alaska pointed out, "Could that affect it?"  
"Not in this way, I don't think…" Faolan shook her head, "It should make him less likely to go over again, not more… Besides- he _can't_ have gained true control before!"

"Why not?" Alaska asked, "Before you met him, perhaps?"

"Because he was so… he was messed up inside!" Faolan retorted, frustrated and slightly scared at the idea this conversation was driving at, "The werewolf part of him was so… it raged inside him… He was close to losing it, so close… but if he'd already gone over…"

"He wouldn't be like that?" Alaska finished for her, "Are you sure? Maybe he did when he was first bitten, and since he'd never had any control to begin with, afterwards he just stayed angry and full of turmoil…"

Faolan frowned at Christopher Alaska, unable to think of any _good_ reason to refute that, though her instincts screamed that it couldn't be, just_ couldn't_. She frowned at him some more, until he looked away. Then she said, "Still doesn't explain how he made his own illusions inside yours."

"Hmm," was all Alaska said. Faolan looked up at the sky. The sun was sinking towards the horizon. She glared at it.

OOO

"Morgan?" Faolan asked as the man opened his eyes blearily, looking tired still, despite having slept for hours- it was morning again, and Faolan had been watching him sleep for an hour, just watching his chest rise up and down. Genevieve was still there, standing off to the side, watching Morgan as well.

"Yes?" he said, moving his eyes over to her, from her chair near his bed, then he frowned and said, "So _that_ is true control."

Faolan laughed, then grinned at him and said, "Exactly how I felt." Then she frowned, thinking on her and Alaska's conversation- the idea that Morgan had already gained true control didn't seem to fit in light of his first statement- she remembered how after she'd gained true control she _knew_ it, there wasn't any doubt. Morgan clearly felt that way too- so he couldn't have already had true control.

"Sorry," she said to him finally, "For jumping it on you."  
"It's all right. Genevieve explained to me what you did- Alaska's illusions and all- last night. I'm glad I got true control without actually killing anyone although… I wish it was easier than that! It's hard… to realize that all I saw last night didn't actually happen. None of it was real."

"Who was she?" Faolan asked suddenly, "The woman? I don't mean to pry but… she and that other Herald seemed to be deciding factors in your gaining of true control- I was watching your emotions, so I knew the moment you went over…"

Morgan stared at her, his face unreadable and Faolan blushed, looking away.

"Sorry again," she said, "I suppose you don't have to answer. It's just… this may sound weird but… Alaska didn't put her there. Nor him. Apparently _you_ projected them into the illusion or something."  
"Really?" Morgan didn't sound as surprised as Faolan had been, just interested, "Is that possible?"

"It must be, since he didn't do it," Faolan said, "I channeled your thoughts- the ones that I asked you to think of, to him and… I suppose you already know that. But they weren't part of those thoughts…"

"Huh," Morgan said, still offering no explanation of how that came to be. He didn't even seem that curious about it.

"If you could tell me who she was maybe that could help us figure out how you gained true control… how to give it to others…" Faolan said a moment later.

Morgan sighed, and gave her a look that Faolan, again, couldn't quite read- she could have with her Empathy but she wasn't in the habit of just using it on anyone whom she wanted to talk to.

"Her name is Laurie, Herald Laurie," Morgan said, and a shiver ran down Faolan's spine- because she thought she understood the tone in Morgan's voice, "The other Herald is her lifebonded, Bolivar."

"Ah," Faolan said, thinking, _No wonder they pushed him over. Her death, his pain… He loves her, that's obvious, well now anyway- so her death was a huge hit to him- but she's lifebonded to this other Herald, so seeing _his_ pain made it even worse. And he lost it. _

"Okay," she nodded, "Thanks. Hmm… well you're officially the second werewolf Herald now- and no longer a danger to anyone- you see the line now, right?"

Morgan nodded slowly, "Yeah… I think- I mean I know I'll never go that far again- no matter what the circumstances, even if they were the exact same ones…"

"Yup," Faolan smiled, but then a harried looking Healer bustled over and engaged Morgan in a quick discussion. Faolan stood up and started to leave, but then Morgan was standing up too so she paused.

"I'm being kicked out with a relatively clean bill of health," Morgan said as the Healer hurried off, "They need the space for people who are really injured."

Faolan looked around the large tent she was in- she could only see a few cots, most were surrounded by privacy curtains, and she nodded, her heart feeling heavy. She and Alaska had saved one life, helped one werewolf, but the war was still going. People were still dying.

She, Morgan, and Genevieve left the tent, walking outside in the early morning rushing of a war camp. Faolan felt detached from it- she wasn't directly involved in the war anymore, and it was strange…

"Now what?" Morgan asked as Faolan shivered in the cold air outside, wishing she'd brought a cloak.

"Huh?" she asked, looking at him.

"Now what do we do?" he asked, looking down at her. Faolan looked back at up at him, thinking, _Go home. Wait for the war to end. See Raleigh again._

"As werewolves… isn't there something we can do for Valdemar?" Morgan asked, "I know you spied for a long time…"

"And can't go back," Faolan finished, "And I don't think they'd accept a full grown werewolf appearing in their midst already having true control… And asking to go fight on the front anyway… You don't want to do that anyway… It'll just make things harder."

"Well… why can't we figure out how to give everyone- all werewolves, true control like me?" Morgan wondered, glancing out over the camp.

Faolan stared at him- feeling awkward. Here she was, sick of the war and just wanting to go home, and he was so… ready to keep going. _I should feel more like that_, Faolan thought, _After all, I'm a Herald too_.

"Um…" Faolan said, "Well… we don't really know how you got true control, actually. And Alaska can't just like go to the other side and say 'hey, stop fighting, I'm going to give you all true control.' I mean… Alaska is just one person. He can't give all werewolves forever true control, you know…?"

"But he can help the soldiers who are bitten," Morgan said, glancing at Faolan, "Can he not?"

"Maybe," Faolan said, "I hope so. But… using Alaska is still such a temporary solution. It won't end the war."  
"And that is what we want most," Morgan said and sighed, looking around the camp, with a despairing air reminiscent of the way he'd been when Faolan first met him.

"What we want most…" Faolan echoed.

**A/N: Sorry about the long wait!! After Iceland (VERY COOL) I was busy packing and then we went to Assateague Island and now I am at college, doing this first year workshop thingy before classes start next month and that is keeping me busy, as well as just settling in and making friends. I HOPE I will be able to start updating weekly again but no guarantees though it WILL be finished, all the last chapters up, but Christmas at the latest. Thanks to those who reviewed the last chapter!  
balecka92- Morgan came out of it and Alaska dropped the illusions around the same time. Genevieve just came running cause she felt Morgan go over that line. :)  
SwiftShadow- Yeah- took me about that long too. Excellent book! Everyone should read Harry Potter. :) Good luck on your own stories. I should poke over and read them.  
GinaStar- Well, as this chapter reveals, it may not solve ALL their problems.  
StormyPhoenix- Yup. And they are fearsome during the period in which they have lost all control- as Faolan noticed.  
ginalee- Hope you aren't too upset by the long wait for this one. This one is a little less intense, but I will put up the next one very soon, hopefully. And that one will be more fun. Mwaha.  
The-Elven-Bookworm- Good observation! As you know now- it was kinda a lost love, yeah.  
M3m0rii- XD. I'm glad you like it. Also interesting ideas you have for an ending/continuation. :)  
nohaydeque- Yeah I know... that is the problem with doesn't really give you the chance to do more than the first draft! Maybe I'll do a revision or something... I don't really feel like it though. I don't think I actually will end up de-Lackeyizing it, though. I am amazed at how long it is, actually. I never expected it to go on this long. I mean- I planned out the end from close to the beginning, but I didn't realize how long it would take to get here!  
**

**  
**


	73. Musings of War

"Alaska!" Faolan shouted, bursting into his tent, breath steaming out from her mouth as she breathed, her eyes excited, "I figured it out!"

"What? How to end the war?" Alaska asked, looking up at Faolan. He was sitting on the floor, polishing his sword slowly with a rag, looking more like he was thinking rather than paying attention to the task- like he was just doing it to give his hands something to do, and he added, "I'm wanted back on the front, you know. I can't stay much longer, now that Morgan has true control. The Queen wants to talk to you- she's pleased. She doesn't really understand the whole true control thing, but she does understand that we did something amazing."

"Ah," Faolan said, then shook her head, "No- I just realized the odd thing I noticed when Morgan got true control. True control doesn't make you aware of the line- everyone knows about the line, even you Alaska, if you looked deep inside yourself. True control just makes you _not want to ever cross that line again_. I was thinking back to that moment- and realized that's what the difference between Morgan and I was. We both saw the line- he just, having never crossed it, had no compunctions about crossing it. And no part of me _ever_ wants to cross it again."

"Oh!" Alaska said, his hand pausing on his sword, and he set it aside and moved to sit his cot, "That makes sense. Does it change anything?"

"Not really," Faolan frowned, stepping all the way into the tent, letting the flaps fall shut behind her, trapping in the heat again.

"I was thinking about my oddity," Alaska said, "And I think it's really just that the human mind is powerful on its own- capable of creating illusions for itself on its own. Isn't that what insanity is? My Gift allows me to project my mind- that's the difference."

"Ah," Faolan said, "That seems obvious, in retrospect."

"Yeah, it does, doesn't it?" Alaska smiled at Faolan and she smiled back, despite still feeling depressed about the war.

"Hmm," Faolan said, her thoughts suddenly catching again, getting stuck on something Alaska said.

"What?"

"You know… I think I may have the way to end the war."

OOO

"I need to talk to the Queen," Faolan said to the Guard standing in front of the large command tent.

The Guard stared at her, then said, "The Queen is extremely busy right now…"

"It's important," Faolan insisted, "Tell her it's Faolan."

The Guard gave her an odd look- did he recognize the name? Then he turned around and pulled open the flap and said a few things to someone inside, then closed the flap again and said, "Just a moment."

After five minutes the tent flaps open and a Guard on the inside beckoned Faolan in. She entered into a large, warm tent, heated by several braziers. Towards the front was a large table, covered in maps and charts and quills. Several people stood around it, frowning- one of them whom Faolan recognized as the Queen. She wore not a dress as when Faolan first met her, but more practical clothing, a tunic and breeches of fine cut and design. Her hair was tightly tied back in a bun, and there was more gray streaking the white than Faolan remembered from previous encounters. Behind her, a servant was packing some things into a set of saddle bags.

"Faolan Wolfsbane," the Queen said as Faolan entered and bowed.

"It is a pleasure to be allowed this audience, your Highness," Faolan said as she walked up to the table.

"Please be quick Herald Faolan," the Queen said, "For I am leaving to another camp within the hour- but I trust what my werewolf Herald has to say may be important, indeed, and so I shall listen to her."

"I think…" Faolan started, then hesitated, not sure she wanted to make such a bold statement as the one she had made to Christopher Alaska, "I think I may have a way to end the war."

The others at the table- a few Heralds and some uniformed members of the Guard, turned to stare at her. The Queen was expressionless, and waited for Faolan to go on.

"Herald Alaska and I managed to give what we call true control to him- true control is the reason werewolves fight- in a way that was without bloodshed. However, it was dependent solely on Christopher Alaska. But… I think there may be a way for a werewolf to gain true control in this fashion without the aid of Herald Alaska. If it works… and if the werewolves will take it- I think they will, if it works, for they dislike fighting almost as much as we, then all that will be left to fight us is the Karsites standing alone."

The Queen stared at Faolan a little longer, and Faolan sensed suddenly that the Queen had hoped from the moment Faolan had been introduced as a Herald, that Faolan would find such a way- find some way to turn the werewolves off the path of destruction. She shivered, with the knowledge that such a weight had unknowingly been on her shoulders for all this time.

"What do you need?" the Queen finally asked.

Faolan paused- she didn't know, at least, she hadn't thought about it. But then she knew, "I need to go back to the front. I know I said I am no longer welcome there but I am willing to take the risk that they will kill me on sight if only for a chance to show them this new way, convince them to try it… If it doesn't work I suppose they'll kill me but by then I suppose it won't matter anymore…"

"You will take Herald Morgan Derry?" the Queen inquired, "He too is a werewolf."

Faolan stared at the Queen, then shook her head, "No- he hasn't been among werewolves before…"

"He will go with you," the Queen commanded, and Faolan stopped speaking, "He is a werewolf as well and they have more reason to accept him into their ranks than you, from what I know of your circumstances of departure…"

"Yes, your Highness," Faolan said and bowed again.

"Well, best of the luck to you Faolan, and I hope for the sake of Valdemar that you _have_ found a way to end the war," the Queen said, then turned to the servant who had been packing things and started putting on a tunic of chain mail.

OOO

Faolan was elated. She wasn't sure what she had expected, but she was glad the Queen had let her go so easily. She supposed she was sort of the free variable in the war- the odd chance to end it quickly, and the Queen was willing to roll the dice. She wasn't exactly happy about Morgan Derry being sent with her, and she wasn't entirely sure why. She just didn't think it would be a good idea. Or maybe she just wanted to go alone.

Either way, she went to her tent right away and started preparing. She wouldn't be taking anything much- that she knew right away. She and Morgan would have to go on foot for the first bit, while they were still in Valdemaren territory, for on paws they ran the risk of friendly fire. The Companions would stay behind, as usual- Raul gave Faolan a mental hug as Faolan considered that. They could take weapons for the first bit, but both clothes and weapons would have to be discarded…

_:Be careful, Chosen,: _Raul mindsent softly as Faolan was changing out of her whites and making sure her bow and arrows were in order.

_:I will, Raul,: _Faolan answered, feeling sad to be leaving the Companion again. She heard a few soft hoof beats and knew the Companion was just outside her tent. She stood and went outside to wrap her arms around Raul's warm neck.

_:You go into even more danger, you know that,: _Raul said, and it wasn't a question, _:More than last time… though I don't think at the time I could have believed it possible. Watch Morgan's back- and he will watch yours. I am glad he is going.:_

_:I'll be all right,: _Faolan said, though both Herald and Companion knew that might not be so. Faolan knew what she had told the Queen was possible- if her idea of true control didn't work… she'd be killed. Morgan too, probably. And that was if she wasn't killed on sight anyway. But Faolan had been prepared for death from the moment she remembered her death as Carry Rolf- because that's when she knew she was living on borrowed time.

_I love you, Raleigh,_ Faolan thought silently into the evening as she went back into her tent to finish gathering her things. It was time to go back to the werewolves.

OOO

If only there were any Valdemaren werewolves! But other than Morgan, there were none… All those who were bitten died- from the wound or by their own hand. Even if one could be convinced to not kill himself, if he or she hadn't done so already, and Faolan wasn't sure that was possible, she wasn't sure her idea would work unless it was on a werewolf that already had some control… So to the front it was.

Morgan and Faolan left only a few hours after the Queen, stealing off into the woods on foot with the blue eyes of their Companions watching them go. They went in roughly the same direction as the Queen, though their destination was slightly different, and they traveled on foot, and not on horse- or Companion. Faolan had rejected the idea of riding their Companions to the edge of the area held by Valdemar- she didn't want to run into any werewolves deep in enemy territory and be seen on a Companion, for that would ruin all hope of reaching the werewolves and regaining their trust.

Faolan's mind was whirling with all that had happened in the last few days. She was going back to the werewolves. This thought filled her with fear and excitement at the same time. She was afraid of their response at seeing her again, and she was excited to see old friends again… be back with _werewolves_ again. Those she had grown up with. And the idea that she brought with her… If it worked- _if_ it worked, if it would allow werewolves to gain true control without death and pain and war… Not only would it save Valdemar, it would save werewolves. It would stop them from being a parasitic race, living only on other's deaths. It would give them the freedom they never had before. _That_ made it worth it almost more than ending the war between Valdemar and Karse.

As Faolan and Morgan trudged through the winter cold, hiking up slopes with patches of ice hidden beneath the leaves, breath steaming out, Faolan was reminded strongly of Raleigh. Here was where she had found him, among these wild hills and places of war. She wondered how he was doing in Haven, in that little apartment of his, all alone… She hoped he'd make some friends, or find some old ones. She hated the idea of him alone, in this winter cold.

Faolan had already explained to Morgan her idea of true control, and she could see in his eyes he mused on it now, as he trudged beside her. A sword was strapped to his back, a great sword, and Faolan realized that until now she had never really thought of Morgan as a warrior. But he was, all Heralds were, including herself. He had always seemed too… lost, to be a warrior. Though, of course, he hadn't been lost before he was bitten. Bitten. Chosen and Bitten. Faolan laughed, and Morgan glanced over at her, his eyes curious.

"Nothing," Faolan shook her head then sighed, continuing on. The day was still early and they had a long way to cover on foot. A long way through a war infested country.

"What will it be like?" Morgan asked a moment later, "With the werewolves?"

"I'm not really sure…" Faolan said, "I came to them as a child, I return as a young woman, and I return brining a stranger. I got the gist from before that they do get strays sometimes, but not often. They will be suspicious of me, because I left after murdering almost my entire fighting group- and they will be angry. Werewolves are a vengeful people. They understand true control, but what I did was not on the battlefield. They do not even know it was because of true control, so they will be suspicious. Doubly so because of you. You, a full grown man, newly bitten and newly with true control. They will give you some trust, because you are a werewolf, but when we tell them of how you got true control- edited of course to fit the new theory… I don't know. That's if they don't kill me on sight. Though if they do- and they don't kill _you_, you'll have to try and convince them on your own."

She glanced at Morgan- he only looked impatient and he answered, "No- I mean yes. I mean… I know that. What I want to know is what will it be _like_? What is it _like_ to be among werewolves? As a werewolf?"

"Amazing… wonderful," Faolan said quickly without thinking and earned a sharp glance from Morgan. But what did he expect?

"You… you are a Herald," Morgan said a moment later, "I know you enough, have heard you speak enough… you place Valdemar before the werewolves. But I also see the passion in your eyes when you speak of them… they are your people now. How can you live like that? With two families? Two places to put your loyalties?"

"I don't know," Faolan whispered as her answer, "Until Raul repudiates me, I'll suppose I'm doing fine. It hurts, and that's why I want to end this war so badly. Both are families, both welcomed me in- the Heralds and the werewolves. I love them both…"

Morgan nodded, but didn't look quite satisfied, and he added a little later, "I'm afraid my own loyalties will become divided if I join among the werewolves, live with them for this brief time…"

_:Tell Morgan he has no need to worry,:_ Raul spoke into Faolan's mind. She smiled, and complied.

"I know- Genevieve tells me this too," Morgan said, then fell silent. Faolan did not try to continue the conversation. They had some werewolves to find.

**A/N: And the next chapter! Thanks so much to you all you faithful reviews who didn't mind that long gap in updates and still came to read the next chapter!!! Also college is fun. :)**  
**StormyPhoenix- Yup! My intent exactly. Well, I didn't plan _all_ of that out, but when I wrote it that's what I intended. I'm glad you like. :)  
SwiftShadow- Quality is what is important, not quantity. Though speed helps if you want to be a published author. Well... my favorite motto is practice makes perfect- in some circumstances anyway. :)  
Ban Capall- Thanks! I try my best! (I hope.)  
GinaStar- :) Fun phrasing. Mass produce a miracle!  
nohaydeque- Yeah... it would take a long time. And I have other, more original, ideas in my pocket. But maybe someday. And if I do it shall be dedicated to all you guys and you can all have a free, autographed copy:) Assuming if I de-Lackeyize it, it WILL get published... Be assumption, there.  
ginalee- Well now you know how it will help stop the war:)  
**


	74. Sommer

Faolan and Morgan found a Valdemaren camp as darkness fell, and decided to stay there. They were still deep enough in Valdemaren territory that Faolan considered it safe enough. And it was cold. Faolan didn't want to Change so deep in Valdemar either. So when the saw the flickering orange lights of campfires, they turned towards them.

A scout greeted them almost immediately with a drawn bow pointed at them from only ten feet away. The man was dressed in clothing that looked like it was once blue, but was fading into brown from use and wear. A heavy fur cloak hung over his shoulders and chain mail glistened beneath it. Under his hood, dark eyes glistened suspiciously.

"Herald Faolan and Herald Morgan," Faolan announced, feeling odd to be calling herself a Herald so openly… Her spying ways died hard.

"I see no Companions," the scout answered coldly, "You wear no Whites."

Morgan straightened up and spoke before Faolan could, "Need I perform the truth spell or exemplify my gifts? We are no werewolves or Karsites in disguise, sir."

"A little proof would be good," the Scout acquiesced with a sharp look at Morgan. His voice was still laced with suspicion. Faolan was impressed, and saddened at this aspect of war… It hardened everyone, made suspicion and paranoia part of life.

"Then I shall cast the truth spell," Morgan said.

The Scout was perfectly still, and then he gave curt nod. Morgan relaxed, and lifted his hands, then murmured the incantation that summoned the little blue air elemental, the Vrondi. Faolan, who was watching the Scout, was startled when he suddenly let out a small gasp, staring at her head. She jerked her gaze at Morgan, about to question him- but then realized it made sense. Cast a truth spell so _he_ can see the Vrondi.

"I am not a Herald," Faolan said, looking back at the Scout. She felt nothing, but by the expression in the Scout's eyes she could tell the Vrondi must have disappeared when she told the lie. She glanced at Morgan and grinned.

The Scout lowered his bow and motioned for the two of them to follow him into the camp. Faolan and Morgan stepped forward, Faolan feeling glad that soon she would be around warm fires and sleeping inside a warm tent.

The camp was fairly quiet, most the tents were quiet. As they walked in, Morgan explained that they just wanted a place to sleep for the night, and would be gone early in the morning. The Scout nodded, and didn't say anything in answer. He led them to the Camp's Captain, where they had a short discussion and the Scout slipped out, presumably going back to his position. They were given a tent to stay the night in and invited to have dinner in the mess tent.

Gratefully, they head over to the tent they were directed to- Morgan leading and Faolan trailing behind. She had expected to be the leader in this little expedition of theirs, but until they reached the werewolves, Morgan was older and as he didn't and couldn't know about her past lives... he took the lead. Faolan didn't really mind, in retrospect.

The mess tent was quiet, its thick canvas walls muffling most of the noise that went on inside. Even inside, it was fairly quiet. Murmurs filled the large tent. Two long tables were placed side by side and a large fire burned in the middle, the smoke funneling out of a small opening in the top. It was smoky anyway. But it smelled wonderful.

Her stomach rumbling, Faolan followed Morgan as they sat down at the end of the one of the tables. The tent was about half full, so there was room to seat them. Morgan almost immediately engaged in conversation with one of the soldiers sitting across from them, not revealing he was a Herald but acting as if he too, were a soldier. Faolan watched him for a while, amazed at his ability to just talk to people. He was still being his normal, almost sullen self, but the words that left his mouth just pulled others in. He hadn't been like that when Faolan first met him… in fact he'd never been like that with her. She felt a sudden sadness… what was she to Morgan? Some up-jumped trainee? She frowned and made a point to herself to have a real conversation with him the next day.

There was dishes with food laid out along the table, and so Faolan just reached out and took a chicken leg, munching on it as she peered around the room. The second time she scanned the room a face caught her eye. She paused, and frowned, peering through the hazy smoke and dim lighting, trying to figure out where she recognized the face and wondering why it was making her heart pound.

It was an older man, not _really_ old but not young either. Faolan would have put him in his thirties. His hair was short and Faolan _thought_ it might be red in this light. He had a sour expression- but the war made everyone look sour. Was he someone she had met at Haven, those long years ago as a Herald trainee? Somehow that didn't seem right…

He glanced up, their eyes met, and suddenly Faolan felt faint, because she knew whose eyes she was staring at. She took a deep breath and grabbed the edge of the table for support. Morgan looked over at her, frowning.

"Faolan?" he asked. She glanced up at him and gave him a grin- wondering whether she should put her head down, hope he hadn't recognized her, and just finish her dinner, or run out of the tent, hope he hadn't recognized her, and go to sleep and forget it ever happened.

She put her head down and starting chewing on her chicken, not sure of anything… she sure as hell didn't think she _wanted_ to see him again but then again… she was curious. Would he recognize her after eleven years? She vaguely heard Morgan start up his conversation again, something about supply lines and guerilla warfare.

Then a heavy hand landed on her shoulder, and a craggy voice said, "Hello Faolan."

Faolan slowly lifted her eyes and peered at the man that stood behind her. But before she could say anything Morgan had leapt to his feet and grabbed the man by the cuff of his tunic, yanking him from Faolan.

"Who the hell do you think you are?" he growled, and to Faolan's surprise she recognized in him the signs of the werewolf coming through. She knew he wouldn't change, not here- but had they been in a pack he'd already be half fur covered.

The man, the soldier, said to Morgan angrily, "Get your hands off me, you big lout."

"Faolan?" Morgan glanced at Fao, his eyes burning. Faolan wondered for a moment why he had reacted so violently… but then she remembered the tone in her father's voice when he said hello to her, and she shuddered…

"Let him go," she said, and Morgan's hold relaxed- albeit reluctantly.

Faolan thought back to her childhood, surprised to find it so hard to remember, and dredged up the name- John. She stood up, her hunger completely gone, and looked at her father.

"What do you want?" she demanded, her voice low, trying not to think about the fact that she was inordinately scared.

Faolan's father stared at her, his eyes going over her face, her clothing. His expression had lost the anger, though he cast a cautious glance in Morgan's direction every once and a while. Instead, he now looked… curious. Amazed?

"You…" he said softly, like a statement, then shook his head, "What happened to you, Faolan?"

Faolan stared at him. She had thought… he had sounded… she had the feeling that he wanted, at first, to drag her back home and give her a whipping- but now… he just seemed interested and somewhat amazed that at the situation that had brought them together again. In all Faolan's lives… the ones she could remember anyway, none of them ever had anything happening in them quite like this. This life, this Faolan life, was full of strange events- _marked_ by strange events. She took a deep breath.

"Long story," she said, "I never found Ma"-

Morgan cleared his throat and Faolan glanced at him. She had almost forgotten he was there.

"Um… Morgan," she said, "This is my Pa- John of Dufret… And Pa… this is my friend Morgan."

John looked as if he didn't quite believe he was her _friend_, per say, but let it go at that. He gave a nod to Morgan, but looked mainly uninterested. Faolan wondered if he thought she had become some sort of whore… She wondered if she should say they were married, but decided against it. Let him think what he wanted.

"Your Ma returned," John said, turning away from Morgan again, "Came home about three weeks after you disappeared."

Faolan didn't know how to answer that- didn't know what it implied. So she stayed silent.

"Ran off again about two years ago," he added, when Faolan didn't answer, "With some merchant."

Faolan wondered at his tone of voice. He sounded… almost repentant. Like he was sorry it had happened. All of a sudden Faolan realized she didn't care. She didn't care where her Ma was, or why she had left, if he was still abusive, if he was sorry…

"What do you want?" she asked again.

He looked almost startled at that- like it should be obvious what he wanted. He seemed to flounder for a moment, then said, "I want to know where you've been all these years, Faolan… you're my daughter."

"No I'm not," Faolan said, and shook her head- for she had just realized it was true, "My father's name is William Sommer- and my mother's name is Rathmir Sommer. _My_ name is Faolan Sommer. Who are you?"

John looked flustered. Faolan stared at him defiantly. With a confused sigh, he turned around and left the tent. Faolan could only assume he'd finish eating. She watched him leave with something near relief and something near not caring. She hoped she'd never see him again.

OOO

Faolan and Morgan sat down again and finished eating in silence, though Faolan could feel Morgan's curiosity the whole time. Later that evening, when they went into the tent the camp had let them use, and as Faolan was laying out her bedroll, Morgan spoke.

"So that was your Father?" he asked softly from the other side of the tent. His back was still to her.

"Biologically, yes," Faolan said, hoping she sounded like she didn't want talk about it. Because she didn't.

"Was he abusive?" Morgan asked. She glanced over her shoulder and met his eyes, wondering why he was asking her. Did he think she needed to talk about it, that it was an unresolved part of her past? What _did_ he think?

"I was Chosen when I was three, Morgan," she pointed out, "It was a long time ago."

He looked slightly surprised- she supposed he hadn't realized how early she'd been Chosen. She wondered what the general populace of Heralds thought about that… if they thought about it at all.

"Some things never die," Morgan said, sitting down on his bedroll and pulling off his boots, "And you didn't answer my question. Though you don't have to, if you don't want to. I just asked because I know what it's like."

Faolan sat down as well, sitting so she could face him, and she stared at him in the faint light that came through from outside the tent. She could barely make out his face. She wondered how well he could see her.

"When did Genevieve Choose you?" Faolan asked, feeling suddenly curious in a strange way… John had been her first experience with abusive parents in the childhood. She'd had some rough lives, been in some tough situations, even as a kid… but not quite like those first three years of her life as Faolan.

Morgan recognized immediately what her true question was- she wondered if all those who had abusive parents had that sort of connection- that sort of understanding. She wondered why they hadn't felt it before.

"I was Chosen when I was twelve," he answered, "Genevieve came up to me in all her white wonder and took me away from a life that had been hell."

Faolan stayed quiet, sitting on her bedrolls, watching him. Waiting. She had the feeling he was telling her for _her_ sake, and not for her own. He saw her as a fourteen year old, a child still; he had no reason to see her as anything else. In some ways… it was a relief. The werewolves had treated her as she was her physical age, but she had been so busy doing things that _weren't_ for a child her age that she hadn't really been able to enjoy it. Faolan smiled.

"You're not the only one out there," Morgan said, and Faolan wanted to say _I know_, but she stayed quiet.

Morgan pulled up the sleeves of his tunic, revealing twin scars that ran up his arms from his wrists. He ran a finger along one, then said, "I tried to kill myself when I was eleven, but my mother found me before it was too late. For that, I am eternally grateful. When Genevieve Chose me, I was about to try again. Except I wasn't fooling around with knives that time. She found me standing on top of Waterman's Cliff. It was a hundred foot drop, straight down. No bushes to catch me. Only rocks. Rocks on the bottom too. The wind was fierce up there… but Genevieve took me away from it. She saved my life."

"Raul saved my life," Faolan said suddenly, speaking up from the darkness, "I had run away from home- when I was three. My Ma… she had left about a week earlier I think… but it felt like years. Most of my memory of that time has gotten pretty hazy… I suppose Raul saved me from that as well. I would have died from my bite wound if she hadn't come along, still half a filly herself, and killed the werewolf that had done it. He was crazy, Morgan- he wasn't from the packs… He was what I would have become if I hadn't died from the bite and hadn't been Chosen. He was what you would have become."

"I guess we're both lucky then," Morgan said with a sigh, and shifted around to lay down on his bedroll, flat on his back, so he was staring at the top of the tent.

"I guess we are," Faolan said, and lay down as well, with a smile.

**A/N: Wow that feels short! Though it's not... Hmm. :) I really liked writing that chapter. I hope you liked it too. Thanks to those who reviewed the last chapter!!  
SwiftShadow- Was this soon enough? Ha- stupid question. Of course it wasn't. I shall try to have the next chapter up within five days!  
nohaydeque- Yeah but there are multiple elements in a story that make it publishable... I think I have better stuff than this would be de-Lackeyized and I'd rather write them and get them published first. Dunno, though. This chapter makes me love this story all over again. :)  
LightningStorms- Oh yeah. It's gonna be fun. ;)  
GinaStar- Yay! I'm glad people still like this... after all this time! Four more chapters after this one... So close to the end! This chapter wasn't actually in the layout. I thought of it like two days ago. So it's an extra! It'll probably end up being more than four chapters. I think there was six chapters left for like three or four chapters... :)  
StormyPhoenix- And you still don't know her idea! Mwahaha.  
Clarissa- Woot! I love hearing from people who have just read the entire thing just because I love doing that myself... reading whole stories in one go. :)  
cosmicfalcon- Thanks and okay:)**


	75. The Third Deaths

Snow was starting to fall as Faolan and Morgan trudged through the wilderness the next day. It was eerily quiet, and the light was already fading from the sky. Faolan could still make out the signs of the Queen's passing beneath the scant centimeters of snow that covered the ground. She wondered where exactly the Queen was going, and how long it would take them to get into werewolf territory. She hadn't looked at any maps in so long…

Faolan sighed, and pulled her cloak tighter around herself, glancing at Morgan to see how he was doing. His head was bowed against the wind that was blowing the snow around them in circles, and his hood was up. She could not see his face. It was odd, to see him out of Whites. She supposed she looked odd to him too, but for her, it was more natural not to be wearing white.

Faolan had not seen her father that morning as they left the camp, and for that she was glad. She had meant it when she decided she never wanted to see him again. She didn't want him part of this life- indeed, he was hardly part of it at all anymore. It had been so strange, though, for him, a figure of her past, to come into her present… She sighed again and concentrated on where she was putting her feet on the fast becoming slippery ground.

Suddenly Morgan stopped, reaching out an arm to halt Faolan, and he pointed ahead, through the trees, being entirely silent. A chill ran down Faolan's spine as she peered through the snow gently falling upon the forest, straining to see what Morgan had seen. His silence scared her- what was it?

Then, in the distance, Faolan heard a loud neigh- the neigh of a Companion. Just barely, in the distance, she made of the movement of people, figures. She frowned. What was it? What was going on? She looked at Morgan.

"Battle," he whispered, and Faolan turned her head sharply back. Sure enough she could hear now the sounds of sword of sword, the thud of arrows sinking into wood, flesh, and dirt. Faolan let herself sink partly into her werewolf self, just enough to enhance her senses, and sniffed. Sure enough, she could smell Valdemarens- and werewolves. She could also smell blood. Fear ran through her, and she stared.

"What do we do?" she asked Morgan, dropping into a crouch.

"Get closer," Morgan answered, "We're not here to fight but…"

Faolan nodded, understanding. Slowly, the two of them crept forward, hiding behind trees and keeping low. It was one of the few times Faolan wished she _was_ wearing White. They would blend in so much better. The snow was falling heavier now, and it muffled the sounds of the skirmish and blurred their sight of it.

Soon Faolan could make out the people fighting. None of the werewolves were in wolf form, all were wearing heavy furs and wielding weapons. It was a tight battle, with all of the people in a small area- not spread out. With a start Faolan realized that one of the Heralds fighting was the Queen- the other two arrayed out beside her in a protective circle.

"The Queen," she hissed out of the corner of her mouth and then grabbed Morgan's arm to stop him from going forward, adding, "No- we can't go."

Morgan growled at her, but relaxed, watching with her. They couldn't go because their positions as spies would be at stake if any werewolves recognized them, and as Faolan had learned, it was impossible to pretend to be part of a battle, and actually keep oneself out of it.

"Your bow," Morgan hissed a moment later.

Faolan's eyes didn't move from the battle, watching as the Queen and her companions, and the other blue clad soldier's with her battled, some falling, some felling. Her heart ached every time someone dropped to the snow, staining it red- both werewolf and Valdemaren. She wanted to run over and scream for them to stop because it was stupid and useless and pointless. Neither side was wining, and the fight did not slow as Faolan carefully pulled her bow from her packs and strung it, pulling an arrow from her quiver to string quietly. Just in case. Her heart thudded in her ears- she feared for both outcomes of the battle, and felt a horrible guilt to not be fighting- to not be helping either side!

"Faolan!" Morgan suddenly shouted- but Faolan saw it at the same time he did. A chance moment of weakness- and a young werewolf was swinging a sword at the Queen, in a position where he was sure to strike… Faolan loosed her arrow, pointing it right at the werewolf's throat before she could consider what she was doing. The moment her fingers opened she wished she could close them again because no matter who that werewolf was he did not deserve to die. She wanted to cry, to scream, all in the seconds that it took the arrow to fly through the air, going true, and killing the werewolf almost instantly.

The moment the arrow thudded into the warrior's throat, Faolan suddenly realized she knew who it was. As Roscoe fell to the ground dead, Faolan dropped her bow with a scream and cry of revulsion, feeling suddenly sick to her stomach. But she had to keep watching, watching the battle. No one seemed to notice the stray arrow- but the tide of the battle had turned, and soon the werewolves were running away, the Valdemarens on their horses and Companions chasing them down.

Then a knife was at Faolan's throat, cold in the winter and sharp. She stopped breathing, afraid to move, and glanced sideways. Morgan was in a similar position, with a strong werewolf she did not recognize wrapping his arms around Morgan, knife held roughly under his chin. A thin trickle of blood was dripping down Morgan's throat.

"Give me one reason why I shouldn't kill you- traitor," the werewolf holding her captive snarled- and Faolan realized he must have seen the whole thing… But she and Morgan smelled like werewolves.

"I'm Faolan!" she said quickly, trying to speak carefully with the knife to her throat, "I… I've been lost- I- Dashiell… the Commander's mind speaker?"

"Does this explain your position in regards to the battle?" the werewolf asked. He must have been a Scout, keeping to the edges… _Why_ hadn't she smelled him? Or heard him? Or otherwise sensed him?

"I didn't mean to shoot him, I swear!" Faolan said, and it was partly true- it she had known it was Roscoe… But then she felt a heaviness in her stomach, and knew she would have shot anyway. The Herald inside her wouldn't have let her do otherwise.

"We're traveling back to the werewolves…" Faolan tried to add but the werewolf holding her stopped her.

"Who's the other?" he asked in a low voice, just near her ear. Faolan's eyes flickered over to Morgan. He looked frightened, and Faolan hoped he'd keep his head and his reason.

"Morgan Derry," she said quickly, "He's an ex Valdemaren soldier- I found him, helped him with his Change… he wants to be one of us."

"What were you doing so far in Valdemaren lands?" he asked, and Faolan realized she was treading a _very_ thin line, and only her being a werewolf was protecting her. _Only_.

"I got _lost_," Faolan answered, "After gaining true control."

"Kill the other," the werewolf with Faolan ordered, "We'll take her back for questioning."

"NO!" Faolan screamed as the knife was jabbed upwards into Morgan's throat. Blood spurted from him as his heart beat its last beats, staining the white snow a dark red. Morgan gurgled for a moment, blooding leaking from his lips, and then fell to the ground. She yanked away from her captor- his hold had been loosening, and dropped to the ground, turning Morgan onto his back- but he was gone. He eyes were already blank and staring, and Faolan felt a terrible pain welling up inside, a frustrated pain and anger.

"DAMN IT!" she screamed, and punched the snow, tears leaking out of her eyes- because there was nothing she could do.

"Why the HELL did you kill him?" she yelled, whirling around in the snow to face the two werewolves.

"Valdemaren soldiers never truly turn their cloaks," the one snarled, "You should know that by now. He would have killed you in your sleep one night, or turned spy once he got into the camps. He was no true werewolf."

"He was one of us!" Faolan yelled, "As much as I am! As much as you are! He deserved a chance!"

"He was the enemy, _Faolan_," the other spat, and yanked her to her feet, "Need we kill you as well?"

For a moment Faolan considered saying, _"Yes, PLEASE kill me too!"_ but then she remembered her reasons for returning, and knew she had to keep going. Because what she knew could end this forever- and no more Morgan's would die. No more Roscoe's would die. So she clenched her fists, looked down at her feet, and shook her head.

"You'll come quietly?" her captor asked, and she nodded.

"Good," he said, "Then you're learning. You say you have true control?"

Faolan nodded as they started walking, leading her away from the body of Morgan Derry. She hated leaving him, to be covered by the snow. With a glance back at the area, she made a mental picture of the place, and sent it to Raul.

_:I'm sorry,:_ she said as well, but the Companion only answered with a mental hug, leaving Faolan still cold on the inside.

OOO

Cold and mourning, Faolan was brought into a werewolf camp late that night. The Captain interviewed her- but he didn't ask too many questions because once he learned that she was Faolan, he told her she'd have to be taken to the Commander. There was an order that if she returned, that she be taken directly to him. Two werewolves escorted her that very night another ten miles- they turned into wolf form for extra stamina and speed, and they reached the Commander's camp a few hours before dawn.

Exhausted, she was dragged into the Commander's tent. She wasn't surprised, in her numb state, to find him awake. The Commander was _always_ awake. He looked as he had those months ago, perhaps a little older, a little more tired, but pretty much the same. It was like walking into the past, after all that had happened.

"What has happened to you?" was what he asked as she collapsed into a chair before him, human again and wrapped in several heavy furs with a mug of hot tea thrust into her hands.

"I got true control," she whispered- her throat was raw and sore.

"So we suspected from the carnage that was all that you left of your group," the Commander said dryly, "Did you know Faolan- that you are supposed to gain true control _not_ by murdering other werewolves?"

"I know, sir," Faolan answered, sipping her tea. Her fingers felt numb around the mug, "And I apologize."

"Care to explain?"

Faolan sighed, feeling depressed, and said, "It was… a dream, actually. A nightmare. About my life before I became a werewolf, and some of my time in the Villages…"

The Commander stared at her, and then said shortly, "One does not gain true control from a nightmare, Faolan. Now tell me what truly happened."

She stared back at him, having no idea what to say. Somehow, it hadn't occurred to her she'd have to explain how that happened…

"Perhaps… Faolan," the Commander whispered, his voice suddenly silky dangerous soft, "Perhaps you are still a Valdemaren…? Is that possible?"

Faolan shook her head fiercely, "No- sir I swear that isn't it. Valdemar abandoned me and I have abandoned it."

"Then where did you go these months? Why did you bring a Valdemaren soldier with you? And why did you just watch the battle where your fellow werewolves were fighting?" the Commander asked. Faolan recalled him saying he was a suspicious person, and now she knew how very true that was.

"I wandered around… lost… scared… confused…" Faolan whispered, looking at the ground, "I didn't think you'd take me back after what I'd done. And then… I found Morgan. On a full moon. Wild, crazy… I ran with him, and when he changed back I explained to him what had happened to him. I helped him control his Change and then…."

"Then…?" the Commander urged her.

"I got him true control," she whispered, "Without killing. I told you a nightmare got me true control and… I was meditating when I had that nightmare. In a deep trance state. The nightmare was vivid, all my deepest fears. In the darkness of the night… Everything that ever happened to me fell down on me and I lost it. I'm sorry… I wish it hadn't happened… but when I met Morgan it gave me an idea. The mind is a powerful thing on it's own, and I taught him to find that meditative trance state. Then, with guidance, he pushed himself over the line- with the mind as his only tool. I think that maybe… maybe all werewolves can do that. That is why I returned."

She dared a glance up, praying, and saw a glimpse of hope in his eyes- but then it was gone, and his frown deepened. He stared at Faolan for a long few minutes, his face unreadable.

"Don't be silly, Faolan," the Commander shook his head, "One cannot get true control that way. But Morgan is now dead- and a good thing to for he could never be trusted, even if he had true control… I doubt he had true control, Faolan. You are young."

Faolan stared back up at him, then shook her head, "No… it works- it will work here! You must let me try!"

"You mustn't," a new voice said, and a chill ran down Faolan's spine. She turned her head, and saw Dashiell pushing into the tent.

"Explain this to us, Dashiell," the Commander said calmly, turning to the other werewolf.

"Because there are two ways to look at things here," Dashiell said, "Either she is telling the truth- and always has been, and is a poor young werewolf who gained true control in an accident with her group- probably got into a fight with one of them or something, and really did stumble upon a Valdemaren soldier… Or, and this is equally as possible, after gaining true control, she went back to Valdemar, because with her mind speech, the Witches there spotted her. They trained her, and have sent her back now to actually spy against us- and they sent an older spy to go with her. That Morgan soldier… I cannot believe she spent as much time with him as she claims to have without having been indoctrinated against us."

Faolan gave Dashiell a withering look and said, "Don't be ridiculous. I have never been an enemy of werewolves!"

At the same time the Commander sighed and said, "I think- Dashiell, that we have had enough suspicion regarding Faolan…"  
"Except when you were killing them," Dashiell added offhandedly with a laugh- ignoring the Commander. Faolan's gut clenched as she thought of Roscoe, and she swayed in her chair with dizziness from exhaustion. It was hopeless…. no one would ever try out her theory of true control and as she realized that- and that it probably wouldn't have worked anyway, she realized she didn't care anymore. She just didn't _care_. It was all too much. There was a dull thudding in the back of her head- a headache, from exhaustion, and she shoved to her feet, dropping the mug of tea. It cracked, and hot, steamy tea flowed across the dirt, quickly sinking into it.

"Damn it!" she yelled, whirling to face Dashiell and the Commander, "I HATE KILLING! I'm sick of it and this war! I WISH I COULD BRING THEM ALL BACK TO LIFE! I HATE THIS DAMNED WAR- watching YOU kill Valdemarens, watching Valdemarens kill YOU. AND IT'S ALL FUCKING POINTLESS! I HAVE FOUND A WAY FOR TRUE CONTROL THAT DOES NOT INVOLVE KILLING AND YOU THRUST IT ASIDE! I am a Valdemaren AND a werewolf and I CAN'T STAND WATCHING MY FAMILIES TRYING TO MURDER EACH OTHER! DO YOU _LIKE _WAR- that you are SO EAGER to dismiss any idea of true control that comes along?!?! You should be spending your time looking for NEW ways rather than fomenting the old! AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO WANTS TO END THIS WAR?"

She spun to the Commander, "I am a Herald AND A WEREWOLF. Morgan Derry too and your soldiers KILLED HIM like he was nothing because HE WAS FROM VALDEMAR! A FELLOW WEREWOLF! WHAT are your priorities?? MINE IS PEACE! My LIFE I dedicate to helping- my LIFE exists to END THIS WAR. What do YOU exist for? Do you WANT to live in war, in suspicion, in HATE, in SELFISHNESS, so that you and your children can continue to live in war, hate and evil?? YOUR LIVES ARE BASED ON EVIL! I KNOW you think it's the only war but am I the only one who ever looked for an alternative??? AND NOW I HAVE ONE! So you WILL try it because deep down inside you are a DECENT PERSON!!"

Then she collapsed onto the ground, sobbing, unable to stop, unable to see or hear or feel. But she did hear what the Commander said- a single sane voice among the other thousands screaming in her mind.

"Kill her."

**A/N: This is not the end! But getting close. :) Thanks MUCHLY MUCHLY to my wonderful reviewers!!  
SwiftShadow- Yeah... I'm not so good at updating recently. I just wrote this ENTIRE chapter in the last hour. Heh heh...  
StormyPhoenix- Yah... I decided it was time to bring back the old stuff. You know- I made up that entire chapter just then. It was totally not in the layout.**  
**Capiorcorpus- Yeah... about that... she made the bow so it is a very small one. Small enough for a three year old to draw.  
balecka92- Yup! A happy chapter to precede this very unhappy chapter.  
Clarissa- I guess we'll never now what happens to him:)  
ginalee- Mwahaa... gentle. I was softening you up for the blows of this chapter. (No I'm actually sad about this chapter too... I'm not an evil, sadistic author!)**


	76. The Line of Madness

"Kill her. Kill Faolan _Wolfsbane_," the Commander said, his voice cold, and aloof. Faolan felt a moment's additional pain that she would leave the world under such dark circumstances… But hadn't she always known she would die in this war? That her dream of living a long life with Raleigh was just that- a dream? She wanted to sink into Raleigh's arms right now… be with him and have him tell her everything was all right, everything was safe and happy and good… But it wasn't.

"Raleigh," she whispered, waiting for death to come.

"NO!" there was another shout, and a whoosh of cold air as the tent opened. Faolan heard someone stumble in- all of this as if it was from very far away. She hardly noticed. She was waiting, ready, to go to the Havens. She was sick of this horrible, sad life… She had done her best, and now it was time to spend a time in death that she didn't get between this life and Carry…

_I'm sorry Raleigh, _she thought, _I wanted to come back to you…_

"I'll try it! I'll try her idea!"

"Who the hell are _you?_"

"I don't want to fight anymore! I want there to be another way! I heard what Faolan said… I want to try it."

Faolan cracked her eyes open. So apparently she wasn't to die this instant. Peering blurrily around the tent, she recognized, to her surprise, Taryn. When had she come to the front? What was she doing here? How had she known she was here…?

"Go back to your tent and group," the Commander said fiercely, "You are _misinformed_. This spy here has not found a way to true control. _There is no other way!_"

"Is…" Faolan mumbled, using all her strength to get that one word out. But no one heard.

"What if there is?" Taryn demanded- Faolan heard the sounds of a tussle and suspected Dashiell was trying to throw her out. There was some snarling as well- as if the two were both half Changed.

"Come on!" Taryn was yelling, and growling, "WHAT IF THERE IS ANOTHER WAY?"

Suddenly Faolan, who had sunk back into her own mind, felt herself being pulled up to her feet. There was a slap across her face she barely felt, and claw like fingers digging into her arms. Then a voice- Taryn's- whispering into her ear. Softly. Warmly. Faolan, in her half mad state, was drawn to that voice.

"Tell me how to do it… is there another way?"

"Yes," Faolan answered, feeling herself coming back a little more again. Her eyes cracked open once more. It appeared it was the Commander holding her up- Dashiell was sulking in the corner, three red scratches across his face. Taryn stood in front of her, close.

"Then _tell me_," Taryn said, "Tell me, so we can end the war."

"Okay," Faolan said, and took a deep breath. She took her weight upon herself and straightened up, blocking everything from her mind except how to gain true control. She felt surprisingly aware, and sane… opposed to the craziness of the moments before.

"What do I need to do?" Taryn asked. Faolan looked at her, then reached out and pulled her into a hug, embracing her tightly.

Then she turned to the Commander and said, "I need a place we will not be disturbed."

"Here is that place," he answered, then added, "Dashiell- leave."

The Commander turned then, and left the tent, ushering Dashiell out before him, then returned a few moments and said, "We will not be disturbed."

"I also need a Healer," Faolan said, "Or whatever Karsite Shaman you have."

Taryn gave her a concerned look, but otherwise said nothing. Faolan ignored her for the time being, and waited, as the Commander left once more. In about ten minutes the Commander returned- a Karsite wearing the red robes of a Priest tailing behind him and looking as if he had just been awakened from a sleep.

Faolan turned to the Priest, shoving some hair from her face- she hadn't anything to tie it back with, and so it hung around her face, tangly and messy. After a few moments of conversation he left, then returned- to the puzzlement of Taryn and the Commander, with a specific drug that Faolan had requested from him. It wasn't used much for healing properties, so Faolan wasn't sure if he'd have it or not- but luck was with her, because he did.

"Eat," Faolan commanded, pushing a small pouch that the Karsite Priest had handed her, to Taryn. She waited while Taryn emptied the contents of the pouch, barely noticing as the Commander ushered the Priest out.

"I will need ropes," Faolan said to the Commander, and he nodded, disappearing once more. In time that seemed to pass in an eye blink, he returned, carrying a coil of rope. Faolan took it, and motioned to Taryn, then quickly bound the girl's hands together, and then her feet, such that she could barely move them.

"Now," Faolan said, "We will let the madness take you."

Silence filled the tent. Faolan realized she could acutely hear the breathing of herself, Taryn, and the Commander. She sat down, pulling the furs around her tightly. It hardly registered in her mind that upon the success of this experiment rested her life. She didn't care. She was dead already. Nothing mattered but ending the war.

"Breath slowly," she instructed to the bound and slightly frightened Taryn, "Let yourself fall into a meditative trance and do not fight any thoughts or images that come to you. Let yourself flow with them. In a few minutes, I'm going to start instructing you to think of certain things, to _imagine_ certain things. Are you scared?"

"Yes," Taryn answered softly. Her eyes were closed and she sat, relaxed despite her bindings. Her hair was still kept short, and just dusted the tips of her ears. Faolan wondered if her eyes still had that almost reddish tint they had when they were kids. She wondered if Taryn still liked to wrestle. But it hadn't been that long since she'd left… why did it feel like so much longer?

"Good," Faolan said, "You should be. Because you are about to release your inner self- the wild one, that lives in the back of your mind, the one that makes your dreams… and the one that would be called Madness if you were not a werewolf. All werewolves are insane. But we have learned to control that insanity, and we have learned not to cross that line. Tonight is the day you learn why you shouldn't cross that line. In order to do that… you must cross the line. There is a chance you might not come back."

Taryn did not answer, just kept keeping herself in trance. But Faolan's words had not asked for an answer. The younger girl watched Taryn for a moment longer, trying to judge without the use of her Gifts if Taryn was ready. The older girl's eyes were starting to move around, flick rapidly under her eye lids- before they had been more quiet… Now was the time. Faolan felt no fear.

"I want you to think of the last nightmare you had," Faolan said, "Bring it up in your memory, bring up the fear. Why was it so terrifying? Think on that- then think on this… _it was real_."

Taryn's breath came in a little quicker, and Faolan glanced up at the Commander and said softly, "I may need you in wolf form- Taryn might get a little wild before this is done," Faolan said.

She watched Taryn closely, looking for telltale signs. Waiting. She waited what felt like forever, and yet at the same time, time seemed not to move at all. The only movement was the flickering of firelight on the walls of the tent. Then Taryn slumped slightly, her head dropped onto her chest, her breathing slowed. Her fingers relaxed. She was ready.

"Remember that nightmare?" Faolan whispered, scooting closer to Taryn, "Think of it again. Wrap yourself in it. Bring it back to life. What are your worst fears? They are happening. What are your greatest hates? They are before you."

Taryn's eyes flickered open- a reflex, no more. Faolan could tell instantly that the girl was not seeing this world. Her eyes darted around, moving from random space to random space. She heard the Commander move slightly, and sensed his emotions changing, but ignored him. Her attention was on Taryn. Now was the critical moment- now was when Faolan would see if her idea really worked.

"Taryn…" she said softly, "I think you can see the Madness now. You've always known it was there- haven't you? But this little exercise we're doing has brought it into clarity, hasn't it? It's right there. Can you see it Taryn? Can you see over the edge- to what would happen if you went there?"

Taryn didn't answer, but her arms tensed against her bonds and her eyes rolled upwards, unseeing, and her teeth clenched together. Faolan knew Taryn had heard, and knew Taryn was standing before that line- driven not by her powerful emotions, but driven by diving into where those emotions resided, looking at them and bringing them forth. Now was the test- to see if one could voluntarily go over that line without the aid of real stress. If one could be made to be intensely aware of that line… could you push yourself over? Faolan though, and hoped, that you could.

"Go over the line, Taryn," Faolan hissed, "Funnel yourself towards it, let yourself be drawn over it. _Go_."

Taryn's hands clenched into claws and fur sprang up over her body as she Changed- and then suddenly Faolan saw it happen. A low shudder went through Taryn's body, and even with her shields up Faolan could feel the emotion that rippled through the girl's body- far more powerful than the normal emotions of a human. Faolan jumped to her feet as Taryn let out a horrible snarl, her face elongating into the snout of a wolf.

"What's wrong?" the Commander asked as Faolan bumped into him in her backing up. His voice held an edge of fear- and looking at Taryn, Faolan couldn't help but feel afraid as well. There was a terrible glint in her eye as she Changed- and Fao knew once the Change was complete she would rip the ropes from herself in moments.

"She's done it," Fao whispered, "She's gone over."

"Will the ropes hold?" the Commander asked, staring at the bonds that looked puny in front of the red glare in Taryn's eyes. Their was a beast hiding behind those eyes, waiting for the Change to be complete to rip forth. Faolan shivered.

"I don't know," she whispered in answer, then said, "Get more rope."

"I am not leaving," the Commander growled, and Faolan looked over her shoulder at the Commander- he was partly Changed, but Faolan could tell he wasn't going all the way. There was the soft sound of a sharp blade on leather, and Faolan watched as the Commander drew his sword.

At Faolan's alarmed look, he said, "One does not gain true control just by losing it. She has to come back now. If she does not…"

He left it hang, and Faolan felt a thrill of fear. Every true control tale she knew involved a coming back- she had come back, Morgan had come back… she hadn't realize _that_ was a danger as well. She assumed Taryn would come back after her rage died out- for no anger could last very long. But what if Taryn lost herself completely? What if she escaped- and injured more?

There was a sudden, deep growl, and Faolan whirled back to face Taryn as the now fully Changed werewolf tensed her muscles. The ropes made a snapping noise, and Faolan had a sinking feeling in her stomach- for she knew the ropes would not hold. Taryn was struggling wildly now, and the ropes were being strained- Faolan could see the fibers stretching.

Fao could feel the emotions rolling off Taryn, and she was scared by the power. With Morgan she had been too busy keeping him in the cave to fully comprehend the monstrous power he had gained in going over the line to the total loss of control. The total surrender of the conscious mind… She wondered if anyone truly remembered their true control experiences. She doubted it- that was part of the experience.

A dark howl burst forth from Taryn's throat, and it was bone chilling. Faolan doubted there was a soul asleep after that. She stared at the werewolf as she snapped at her bonds, rolling over the ground and struggling, her muscles bulging under her thick brown coat. Her jaws snapped together repeatedly, and anger blazed in her eyes.

Dashiell burst into the tent, looking frightened, and looked around. His eyes landed on Taryn, and then he looked at the Commander, and opened his mouth to speak. But then he decided differently, and disappeared. Faolan didn't spend time to wonder why he had come in- or who was guarding the tent, and why they had let Dashiell in. She took a deep breath and pulled her wolf self over her, deciding to Change as well. Let the Commander be ready with her sword. Faolan would be ready with her claws.

Taryn's madness had reached a frenzy, and as Faolan pulled off her clothing as she grew fur, the werewolf directed her fury towards the living creatures in the tent, and her head snapped towards Faolan. As her legs were bound, she was unable to crawl, but in her energy she could sort of wiggle violently in certain directions. Faolan easily jumped out of the way, but it still frightened her. In a few moments, she was completely in wolf form, and she snarled at Taryn as the girl lunged at her again, then hit the side of the canvas tent. Her claws raked at the fabric, and in sudden horror Faolan realized she might escape beyond the tent.

She quickly moved over and snarled at Taryn- hoping to draw the crazed werewolf back to the center of the tent. Taryn nicely obliged Fao and lunged at her madly, her growling reaching a new pitch in anger at her captivity, and captors. There was a snap as a few of the fibers of the ropes holding her broke, and Taryn, apparently sensing this, started struggling fiercely again.

"Taryn!"

Fao glanced over at the Commander, who had shouted, in surprise, and in this, almost got her nose bitten off as Taryn's teeth snapped shut with a loud click centimeters from where Faolan's nose had been before she jerked it back instinctively.

_:Taryn!:_ she yelled as well, using her mindspeech- then remembered she had to get Taryn true control without using her Gifts, and she let herself Change back just enough to talk- for the Commander at lit upon a good idea. Perhaps now it would be possible to _call_ Taryn back to sanity.

"TARYN!" she yelled, then jumped as Dashiell burst in again, this time holding a series of tent lines that he must have pulled off several tents. He looked, as before, terrified at the sight of Taryn, put he tossed the ropes to the Commander. Taryn quickly directed her insanity at the newcomer, and with surprising speed was at Dashiell's feet, snapping at his heels as he danced out of the way. Her howls were increasing in intensity, and all the hair of Faolan's body was standing upright.

In moments, the Commander and Dashiell had wordlessly managed to maneuver the ropes and Taryn to tie one around her middle, then another around her neck. Taryn was indignant at this, and fought even more fiercely, snapping a few more fibers of the ropes initially holding her.

"Hurry!" Faolan urged, "Her legs!"

They ignored her, and kept working, moving around the thrashing ball of teeth, claws, and fur that had become Taryn. Faolan growled, jumping around the tent and directing Taryn's attacks upon herself as much as possible to give the Commander and Dashiell more of a chance to tie Taryn up more securely.

"Taryn!" Faolan was yelling at the same time, "You can come back now! Come back! Remember yourself!"

"Remember wrestling in the streams! Remember hunting in the night! Remember sleeping under the full moon and dozing in the sun! Taryn!" Faolan shouted.

In a few more moments the tent rope that Dashiell had brought was binding Taryn doubly so- and both held opposite lines. They attempted to hold Taryn still in the center of the tent, but it helped little. Taryn's strength was such that she really was just jerking the Commander and Dashiell around as she moved. She bit and the line and claw deep furrows into the ground, taking turns lunging at the three of them.

"TARYN!" Faolan screamed and howled- the Commander and Dashiell added their voices. Faolan felt a sudden chill as she realized the yell had been taken up by werewolves outside the tent, echoing them. The entire camp was calling Taryn home. A few howls rose up into the night along with the yelling, from those in wolf form.

"TARYN!"

**A/N: So another cliffhanger... sorta. I decided to do some writing and update soon this time! The next chapter will be a bonus- I'll update the last two together. :) Thanks SO MUCH to...  
StormyPhoenix- I like having your comments saved with everyone else's, that's why! But thanks for reviewing anyway! Faolan IS pretty muched wacked from all the terrible stuff, actually...  
SwiftShadow- I like how you said, "So I won't have to think Faolan's dead..." Like you ASSUMED I wasn't really killing her. Which I wasn't, of course... If I were REALLY going to kill Faolan I wouldn't do it as a cliff hanger. You'd know for sure. :)  
M3m0rii- It's fun to hear your theories on where the story would go, because everyone always comes up with ideas I totally never even considered... :)  
ginalee- Yeah... that's why the chapter was called the Third _Deaths_- which by the way, is the answer to my hint before about "Thrice for Love." That was the third time.  
cosmicfalcon- Yeah... but you guys actually enjoy it! What's a good story without a few evil cliffhangers?**


	77. Rising From the Snow

A deep shudder ran through the crazed werewolf that was Taryn, and she fell still, except for the harsh breaths that she inhaled through her wide nostrils and mouth. Her eyes rolled, and then closed, and then her entire body relaxed. Her breathing slowed, and the ropes holding her fell slack as she no longer fought against them. Staring at her, Faolan realized she was not a very large wolf… yet she had seemed larger than Morgan in those moments when she raged with the anger and emotion of true madness. Now she looked so small…

"Taryn?" Faolan asked, her voice gravelly as she was only half Changed, and she dropped to her knees near Taryn.

The werewolf licked her lips slowly… and then started Changing back. The fur slipped off her body and her legs lengthened. Her tail disappears, and her snout slid back into her face. She became Taryn once more- wearing nothing but the ropes that had bound her. Red marks wound around her wrists and ankles, and the other places the ropes had chaffed. Faolan reached over and grabbed one of the furs that she had been wrapping herself in, and draped it over Taryn's body.

"Taryn?" she whispered- but the girl seemed to be unconscious. Taking the girl's arms, she carefully untied the ropes, freeing her from the bonds. Then the Commander stepped over and gathered up the girl, blanket and all, and carried her over to the cot at the back of the tent- the Commander's cot, and the one Faolan had woken in after having her mind read by Dashiell. A soft, gentle snore issued from the girl as she was laid down, and Faolan wondered how long she would be out. She followed the Commander over to the cot, then knelt down by the cot, going back into wolf form. She didn't have anything to say anyway. She rest her head on Taryn's side and watched her face, felt the soft breath brushing against her face every moment or so. She barely noticed anything going on around her- didn't think of anything at all, in fact.

A gentle touch on her shoulder brought her out of her reverie what felt like ages later. Faolan jumped, and snarled- but she quickly noticed it was the Commander. She also noticed that the tent had gotten strangely light… dawn had come, bringing day with it. Taryn still slept.

"Faolan," he said gently, staring at her- he was kneeling on one knee beside her and his expression was almost… awed?

She stared at him, then realized what he was probably going to say, and then all that had happened in the last day washed over her, along with grief. She stared at the Commander mournfully, not wanting to hear him say that she wasn't to be killed- listen to him speak of true control, of the saving of the werewolf race… So she turned, and ran, slipping out of the tent and through the werewolves that all milled around, in wolf and human form, waiting for word of what had happened in the Commander's tent. Well, _she_ wasn't going to be the one to tell them. She ran from the camp and into the woods. It was cold, and a thick layer of snow was on the ground. Outside the camp it was thick and untrodden, and Faolan's paws sunk in deep, slowing her as she ran. The forest was silent; few animals inhabited it at this time of the year.

She stopped after about a mile, panting, her breath coming in puffs of steam. She turned and looked back, but the only thing following her was her paw prints, deep in the snow. The sun glistened on the freshly fallen snow. Fao heaved a huge sigh and sank into the snow, shivering at the cold even through her warm fur. She licked at some of the snow, then dropped her head on her paws.

After a few hours Faolan was disturbed by the sound of a horse moving through the woods and she leaped to her feet, sniffing the air and staring through the trees. There was a low snort and a white shape appeared, mane lightly dancing along her neck as she trotted, tail floating along behind. Raul stopped in front of Faolan and bowed her head. The two creatures touched noses, and neither made a sound. Then Fao stepped closer and pushed her head against the Companion's shoulder, fur against fur, and closed her eyes with a soft whine. Raul curved her head around and rest her nose on Faolan's back.

_:Happy New Year, Faolan…:_ she said.

OOO

Raul and Faolan went back to the werewolf camp later that day. The entire camp was in an uproar, enough so that none objected to the appearance of a Companion, especially not if that Companion happened to be Faolan's. Taryn had woken up, and there was no doubt she had gained true control. Werewolves were running around in wolf form howling and playing, some fighting. General chaos had ensued after the Commander had announced that Taryn had gained true control through a previously undiscovered method and that Faolan, a Valdemaren spy and a werewolf, had been the one to create this way.

It was a few days before things settled down, and Faolan managed to explain the process of inducing true control. Messengers were sent out to the other camps, telling them to pull back and negotiations were being made with Karse. They had a contract, as mercenaries, to continue fighting for another year- but this far into the war there were more werewolf soldiers than actual Karsites, so the Commander didn't think Karse could really object if they wanted to stop fighting. Faolan was quickly put into contact with the Queen, and a peace treaty was arranged between werewolves and Valdemar, as the new method for true control spread throughout the werewolf camps and villages. There was some rebellion and fighting within the werewolf camps and villages- not everyone believed or wanted to believe in the new method- which hardly surprised Faolan, considering war had been their way for hundreds of years.

After about a week of hectic negotiations and discourses on true control- and the use of the drug to help it along, Faolan went back to the werewolf village where she had grown up, where she found Skylar and the others just as she had left them. Most of the werewolves followed her, dispersing back to their villages, abandoning the war camps and the war. The villages were breaking up as well as the individual werewolf clans starting making their own decisions as to where they wanted to go.

To Faolan's deep regret, Skylar's pack, the Harailt pack, chose to go back to their homeland farther south near the edge of the Pelagirs, beyond Karse. Faolan doubted there would be many werewolves in Karse for a long time to come. Other packs did choose to live in Valdemar though- the treaty negotiated with the Queen allowed for werewolf settlement and citizenship, if they so preferred- though both she and Faolan were aware of the fact that it would probably be a while before werewolves were accepted in Valdemar. These were all deep regrets of Faolan's… but as a Herald she was not free to leave, as the rest of the werewolves were.

So Faolan eventually returned to Haven, back to Raleigh, leaving Skylar and Taryn and the other werewolves she had grown up with the go home, far away from Valdemar. She returned a hero in Valdemar as well as among the werewolves- for most heralded her as the one who single handedly ended the war- and peacefully as well. Faolan didn't really think of it that way- she knew without the help of Christopher Alaska, Morgan Derry, and most importantly of all, Taryn- she wouldn't even be alive, let along had given the werewolves an excuse to stop fighting.

It was months before things were even organized back at the Collegium, and years before the country started to return to it's old self. Faolan married Raleigh, but even in the heart of Valdemar, she was not entirely happy. Her heart still roamed with the werewolves, wild in the Pelagirs… and her pack, far away and gone from her. It seemed there were so few werewolves in Valdemar, even with the war over, and in Haven Faolan had hardly ever felt so lonely, even with Raleigh and Raul and the Sommers and Christopher Alaska. On the full moons, there were no answering howls to the moon as she called out over the city for her pack…


	78. Epilogue

_Ten years later…_

Faolan let her face rise to the sun as she rode along the lonely country road. It was summer, and the sun was warm and nice. It was still early in the season though, and the grass still sprung up bright and green at the edges of the roads and in the fields. Raul's coat shone in the sunlight, sparkling and beautiful as she clip clopped along the dusty dirt road.

She was missing Raleigh, as she always did while on Circuit- he had a job with the Cartographers in Haven, mapping out the unexplored regions of the mountains around the borders of Valdemar, though not anywhere near Karse. He and Faolan always managed to arrange their home times to match up and spent most of their time while she wasn't on Circuit cloistered in their small house in Haven.

"I hope this next town doesn't have the same pig problem," Faolan said casually to Raul as they moved down the road, past farms and patches of forest.

There was an answering snort and a feeling of amusement from the Companion, and she said, _:I think we can safely say that was a singular event…For this Circuit anyway.:_

"Faolan," there was a raised voice from behind and the Companion Noland pulled up from a canter beside Raul. A crazy haired blond sat upon his back, and Christopher Alaska grinned at Faolan.

"What now?" she asked, glancing behind him.

"Noland says next time we go on Circuit," Alaska started, looking slightly dreamy- the war had made him more serious, but he still never quite seemed to be paying attention, "We should bring along a whole batch of that _cure-all_ herb. Can you _believe_ the number of summer colds around here?"

Faolan chuckled and shook her head, "Maybe we should report that the area needs more Healers…."

A sudden, high pitched howl broke the afternoon quiet. Raul stopped, her ears pricked forward, and she sent a questioning, _:Faolan?:_ to her Herald.

"Go," Faolan whispered to Raul, and the Companion mare moved forward again, now at a brisk trot.

The howl wavered on the highest note, then fell down into silence. Raul hurried, and then turned down a dirt path into a patch of trees. They emerged suddenly into a clearing, where there was a small farmhouse and a woman was hanging up damp laundry on a series of lines to dry in the warm summer sun.

She looked up, startled, at the arrival of a Companion and Herald. Faolan frowned, looking around- wondering if she had been mistaken about the howl. But then a small pup peered out from around the laundry basket, bright blue eyes staring up in wonder at Faolan and Raul. Fao dismounted quickly and walked over- meeting the pup, who was stepping out curiously, halfway. She knelt down and reached out a hand. The pup sniffed it carefully then snarled playfully and leapt on Faolan's arm.

"Sara!" the woman reprimanded, still looking shocked at Faolan's sudden appearance, but gaining composure, "That is _no way_ to treat guests!"

"What pack are you part of?" Faolan inquired, looking up at the woman as the werewolf pup pointedly ignored her mother and kept wrestling with Faolan's arm.

"No pack," the woman shook her head with a smile, "My husband Keenan was from a pack, but I was raised a farm girl, and we decided to stay farmers after my parents passed away. These are our lands, and someone has to farm them."

"Oh," Faolan said, surprised- she hadn't heard of werewolves living outside a pack.

"We have some cousins living in town," the woman said, "And visit them often. Sara likes to play with them."

Faolan stood up, giving Sara a pat on the head. The pup then proceeded to attack Faolan's boot with a playful snarl. Fao gently stepped around her and held out a hand to the woman.

"Herald Faolan," she said with a smile, as the woman took her hand.

"Jean Dumphrey," the woman answered, then paused and said, "Aren't you the one…"

Faolan nodded, "Sorry you recognized me. I'm really just another Herald who happens to be a werewolf- no special abilities or great magics."

Jean smiled indulgently, and invited Faolan in for lunch. She declined- they had distance to travel before nightfall, and a Waystation to find. She spoke a few more minutes with the woman, gave Sara one last wrestle, then left, mounting back onto Raul and trotting off.

As she rode back to the road, where Christopher Alaska waited, she felt a curious feeling of contented happiness settle over her, and she realized Valdemar was changing, and Faolan's mindset with it. She smiled, and let out a small howl- because Valdemar was her pack.

**A/N: There! It's OVER! Can you believe it??? I certainly can't. THANKS TO ALL MY REVIEWERS WHO HAVE EVER REVIEWED THIS STORY!! And also thanks to those who read and enjoyed this and never said a word to me- I hope you DID enjoy it because that, of course, was the point of writing this story. To those who reviewed the last chapter I put up...  
StormyPhoenix- Yay! I mean not that you were sad, but that it affected you so powerfully. As the writer I CAN enjoy my work but it is hard to look at it from an outside point of view and know if it is actually good or total crap. :)  
SwiftShadow- Well, as it is now the end of the story, I can truthfully tell you I don't know how Faolan dies! This story was all she ever told me... after this little epilogue thingy I have no idea what happens to her! She probably has kids with Raleigh- werewolves of course and maybe later she becomes a teacher at the Collegium... I can imagine she would be a great teacher after all she's been through and all she knows. Just not right away of course. Fifteen is too young to teach and she didn't really want to at that point anyway.  
Rickmer- I certainly hope to be a professional writer someday! Possibly even with this story, if you've been following the reviewer/author conversations down here. :)  
ginalee- Thank you so much for reading and reviewing!! **


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